Project Runway: Ping, Ponged.

Bare ass or drape’ries
Ping never bored the judges
Adios, Ping Pong.

Yeah. Not going to lie, folks – you know I was never a Ping fan. You know I never saw the avant garde appeal of her “fashions,” or how they would ever translate to anything “wearble,” or understood why she was allowed to stay after sending a bare assed model down the runway.

And I never got seduced by her personality the way a lot of people seemed to. I didn’t find her quirky and charming. I found her insane and ridiculous.

So, whatever. Not sad that she’s gone. Not going to miss her. I am a little bit sad that this challenge seems to have revealed a douche side to Jesse LeNoir, who I like for no other reason than having a name that destines him for porn. But at least we’ve seen a SIDE to him now. He’s been largely silent up to this point, so any side at all is a step in the right direction.

Anyway, there’s a newish restaurant in DC called Ping Pong Dim Sum that I haven’t tried yet despite a) loving the HELL out of Dim Sum and b) working literally within spitting distance of it. So maybe I’ll eat there today in tribute to her.

But let’s get down to it.

Morning! New York! In the dudes’ apartment, Jesus talks about how he needs to be himself, and NOT end up on the bottom again. This is one of the wisest things Jesus has ever said – right up there with that whole thing about people without sin casting the first stone and all.

Another of the dudes says he needs to hope that someone else “does a Ping.” I suppose that’s going to be the hip new slang for when one woman causes another woman to parade in front of a group of judges with her ass hanging out. It’s a phrase with limited usefulness beyond the boundaries of this competition.

Anyway, Emilio says it’s too early to be talking about Ping. Since I am writing this up at 5:39 in the morning, I can assure Emilio that it is NEVER too early to be talking about Ping. Jesse LeNoir, he of the pirate costume and porn star name, registers himself as anti-ping also. This could qualify as foreshadowing for the rest of the episode, but it’s more interesting as being the first thing I remember Jesse LeNoir saying. It will not be the last.

I digress for a moment here because there was much discussion among us last night about who Jesse LeNoir looks like. My personal vote is for Christian Bale, but other’s suggested Ethan Hawke and Logan from last season’s Project Runway. Thoughts?

Although in retrospect, I may be seeing Christian Bale largely because of the jaunty cap, because Christian Bale in Newsies is still my favorite flavor of Christian Bale (pre-Nazi Youth Christian Bale in Swing Kids might be a close second). What if the Delanceys come out swingin’? Will we hear it? NO!

Back on the television, the designers head for the Runway. Heidi asks them if they want to “meet the most iconic fashion designers of all time?” and then disappears. With Models of the Runway taking over most of the early decision making part of the runway process, Heidi’s role in the first half of the show is increasingly like that of some sort of Rumpelstitlskin figure – she says something cryptic, and then vanishes.

The designers all head out for the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City, bringing all of my latent From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler fantasies frothing to the surface. They’re totally excited because they think they’re meeting the MOST ICONIC FASHION DESIGNERS OF ALL TIME, like Heidistiltskin promised, but it’s just Tim with a bunch of mannequins dressed in those designers’ fashions.

Wah-wah.

Tim tells them that for their challenge this week, they’ll work in teams of two to create a high end signature look worthy of one of these master collections. They’ll have a budget of $500 – the highest single challenge budget in Project Runway history – and two days to work.

Jay will get to choose his partner because he won last time, and Tim draws the names of the other team leaders out of the velvet bag of dooooom. They are Jesus/Mexican Elvis/”Jesus”; Anthony/Tyler Perry as Anthony in Meet the Gowns; Janeanne/Liz Lemon; Mila; Ping; and Emilio.

Then they get to choose their teammates. Jay chooses Maya; Jesus chooses Amy (which is REMARKABLY good strategy on his part considering that he’s been the bottom two weeks in a row and Amy produced that stunning flower dress from burlap last week, so yay Jesus!); Anthony picks Seth Aaron/Keith Richards who reacts to this with “where’s my brown sugar?” and wins my momentary affection; Janeane picks Ben; Mila picks Jonathan; Ping picks a visibly ticked off Jesse Le Noir; and Emilio gets the adorable Anna.

They take sometime to wander among the mannequins, which include a LaCroix, a freaking magnificent vintage Dior, and a lovely Madame Gres. I am, admittedly, a fashion illiterate, but I’d never heard of Madame Gres until The Fashion Show, and the fact that she’s cropping up again so soon makes me wonder if this challenge is a little bit about Lifetime/Project Runway giving the fangoule to Bravo for how crappy all their replacement attempts have been.

Anyway, Janeanne threatens to cry from the beauty of the Dior. Janeanne threatening to cry is like me threatening to be a snotty judgmental bitch. It’s just going to happen, regardless, so you shouldn’t try to hold it over people’s heads.

They all head back to Parsons to sketch for awhile. Ping and Jesse LeNoir discuss how to combine her drapey/3-D/soft/organic look with Jesse’s more tailored style. Maya wants to take the lead on their team because she’s worried Jay is going to try and coast because he has immunity.

MOOD! Oh my god, first MOOD of the season, right? We’ve missed you so much, legitimate New York MOOD. Don’t ever try to stick us with your crappy L.A. cousin that apparently only carries stretch materials in shades of black and grey again.

They have 45 minutes. The highlight of the MOOD trip – beyond celebrating MOOD in all of its MOODiness—is Ping going nutterballs because she loses her sketchbook. Thank you, MOOD!

Back at Parsons. Anna is nervous about working with Emilio because his style is bold and hers is soft. Jonathan remarks that he and Mila have different styles – and here I was going to say “which, DUH, Jonathan. This show would be boring as shit if they cast designers who had the same style” – but then I remember that they did EXACTLY THAT just months ago, and let the both of them take their skinny pants and giant sweaters all the way to Bryant Park.

And then I pour myself another large glass of wine to get over the trauma of it all.

Mila is worried about the risk involved with being a team leader. Ping says it’s difficult to work with Jesse because she’s less “by the book” than he is. The book, in this case, is normal human behavior. Jesse, for his part, is worried about time because he’s busy trying to “reign in the crazy”. Commercial!

Back! To pick up exactly where we left off, Jonathan notes that Ping and Jesse have different work styles. Sometimes I get whiplash from the déjà vu on this show. Mila and Jonathan are very excited about their look.

Tyler Perry as Anthony and Keith Richards are making a bright yellow, red and black dress. OY. Tyler Perry as Anthony says he feels like “we are designing a gown for the Vice President of McDonalds. However, everyone needs a dress.”

HEE! I am seriously beginning to love Tyler Perry as Anthony. But I STILL HATE THE REAL TYLER PERRY.

Day 2! Tim appears in their midst like the magical creature he is. And then he tells them they have to create a second look. Ha-ha. Anyway, this one will be for the mass market customer, and the theme must be “the look for less.” They’ll make it for 10% of the budget for their signature look (or $50, for those of you who are mathematically impaired), and it must be derived from the look of another team.

So they choose who to be inspired by. Ping and Jesse choose Emilio and Anna; Janeanne and Ben choose Mila and Jonathan; Jay and Maya choose Ben and Janeanne; Mila and Jonathan choose Anthony and Seth Aaron; Anthony and Seth Aaron choose Jesus and Amy; Jesus and Amy choose Ping and Jesse; and Emilio and Anna choose Maya and Jay.

Phew! My fingers are exhausted from typing out that big ole mess.

They have 20 minutes to wander around being inspired by their counterparts’ looks, and then one team member takes off for an abbreviated MOOD trip. At MOOD, Jesse LeNoir buys “a nice hooker kind of shiny synthetic something.” Presumably this is at Ping’s behest, because he predicts that he can see the judges calling it cheap.

Back at Parsons, Maya feels like Jay isn’t working because he has immunity. Seth Aaron and Anthony argue about not finding a middle ground. Anthony complains that every time Seth Aaron likes something, he changes it.

Their models come in for a fitting. There’s more Jesse/Ping drama, and Emilio notes that “Ping and Jesse are like Lucy and Ricky.” That’s. . .ok, I see the comparison, but somehow I think I wouldn’t have loved that show as much if Lucy had been completely batshit crazy and made Ethel parade down the runway with her ass hanging out while Ricky just glowered silently.

Now I’m thinking about Vivian Vance’s ass. Shudder.

Tim thru! Maya is stressing because they have nothing done on their second look. Tim visits the Ping/Jesse team, and my notes say something like “haters crap fame” or “hates drape frame” or “hates drip fime.”

HATES CHEAP FABRIC! He hates the cheap fabric. This is like the biggest adventure of my week, deciphering my own handwriting on Friday mornings.

He tells Anthony and Seth Aaron that they have a clearly identified inspiration. At this point I notice that Seth Aaron’s shirt says “BEEF.” Just “BEEF.” It’s kind of awesome. They bicker a little and Anthony tells Seth Aaron to “stop acting out in front of company.”

Ok, I know that it makes me a giant hypocrite to be cracking up at Anthony’s stereotypical behavior now when I was so “oh my god, what a fucking stereotype” the first week, but whatever. I’ll live.

Anyway, Tim tells Mila and Jonathan their dress is beautifully done. Then there’s a fashion flurry, and we’re at the commercial!

Back! Day of show! In the guys’ apartment, Anthony tells us he’s “stacked, packed, and ready to attack.” Jonathan is concerned about Mila’s time management.

In the girls’ apartment, Ping loses a contact. Then she tells Janeanne and Anna that they look “so nice!” I briefly like Ping, because in college I used to tutor an elderly Chinese woman, and any time you told her good news, she’d say “so nice!” with exactly that inflection. Anyway, one of the girls – I think Anna? – replies that they’re dressed for a funeral for “the death of our hopes and dreams.” HA!

Over at Parsons, there’s some flurrying, then Tim heads in for Product Placement. Ben gets in his three seconds of the episode by interviewing that he’s worried for Jesse and Ping because they’ve been bickering and their look for less is off. Jesus talks about how he can’t be in the bottom again.

Ten minutes! Ping thinks their signature look is beautiful, but Jesse interviews that “at this point, safe is a victory. It sucks to shoot that low.” Ok, Princess Pouts a lot – you’ve ONLY been in the “safe” group every week so far. It may not be what you were aiming for, but stop acting like the middle tier is unfamiliar territory. Commercial!

Back! Runway! Heidi fulfills her contractual obligation to remind them of what the prizes are, and then introduces the judges – Kors, Nina, and Matthew Williamson. Who? Ok, apparently he’s an English fashion designer. Don’t look at me like that, kids, I didn’t even know who Madame Gres was until last summer.

Show! First we see the signature looks. Anthony and Seth Aaron’s is a bumblebee gown. Jesus and Amy have made a kind of luxe looking nude and black gown. Mila and Jonathan have made an insane superhero jumpsuit, with a coat that wings out in the back. Someone in the living room refers to it as a “flying squirrel” coat. I hate it.

Janeane and Ben have made a shitty cocktail dress with a vest. Seriously, $500 and you came up with THAT?? Emilio and Anna have made a kind of nice Hitchcocky looking cocktail suit. I love it until the model turns around and you realize it makes her ass look HUGE. Jay and Maya have made a neat rippled gown. Ping and Jesse have made some sort of insane opera costume that makes their model look really fat.

Next come the looks for less. Jesus and Amy have made some sort of shitty harem nonsense. Anthony and Seth Aaron’s is a fine cocktail dress. Mila and Jonathan have reinterpreted Anthony and Seth Aaron’s bumblebee ballgown as a cute bumblebee dress.

Janeanne and Ben have made a weird space jumper. Emilio and Anna have made an asymmetrical greenish tweed dress. Jay and Maya have made a cute black cocktail ddress with a vest. Finally, Ping and Jesse have made a boring black and grey dress.

Heidi tells Janeanne/Ben, Jesus/Amy, and Emilio/Anna that they are safe. She then tells Anthony/Seth Aaron and Ping/Jesse that they have the lowest scores.

The judges start with the highest scores first. Heidi tells Jay and Maya that their signature look is “something a collector would own.” Sometimes I think Heidi is slightly confused about the parameters of the challenges. Like, does she think that making a “collection” literally means making something someone will collect? Anyway, Nina tells them that she likes the bare side.

Turning to their $46 look for less, Kors tells them that it’s more interesting than the look that inspired it.

Of Mila and Jonathan’s flying squirrel jumpsuit, Heidi calls it something she’d “love to have.” That says it all. That’s your guarantee in writing right there that an outfit is beyond tacky and on the whorish side of the spectrum – Heidi likes it. They don’t love their look for less, though.

Moving to the low scoring teams, they look at Ping and Jonathan’s signature look. Nina says it’s “just a bunch of fabric wrapped around a model.” And. . .yep. That’s it. Of their look for less, Kors says “I don’t think anyone designed anything” and calls it just an “illfitting black dress.”

They do some asking about who did what work, and Jesse LeNoir makes a bitchy comment about how he couldn’t put much work in on some aspects because he “had to teach sewing classes.” The model in the look for less then pipes up and says Ping never even looked at her.

Damn, what is WITH the models this season? Is that the same model who threw Pam under the bus last week? I can’t keep them straight.

Turning to Anthony and Seth Aaron, Kors calls their signature look something for “a cotillion party in the South from hell.” THAT’s a cotillion party I’d want to go to. Kors then calls their look for less “an acetate cocktail dress on the cheap dress floor,” and Nina tells them that both looks are “really ugly.” Seth Aaron then kind of throws Tyler Perry as Anthony under the bus.

Deliberation. Matthew whatsisname says that Jay and Maya’s $46 dollar look was better than their $500 look. Kors finds Mila and Jonathan’s flying squirrel coat exciting, and the guest judge calls it unique.

Matthew Williamson then earns his name back and his per diem by calling Ping and Jesse LeNoir’s signature look a “confusing labored cacophony.”

Nina thinks Anthony and Seth Aaron were too literate, and Heidi calls it costumey. Matthew Williamson says it needs to go back in the museum. Commercial!

Back! Jonathan is in. Mila is the winner. “Skverrel Veens!” someone in the living room says in a Natasha voice. Anyway, Mila says it feels amazing to win. Maya is in. Jay is in.

Turning to the bottom four, Heidi says that Anthony and Seth Aaron gave them a costumey old fashioned ballgown, and their look for less was poorly made. Ping and Jesse’s look for less was ill fitting and a major snooze, and their signature look is a mess.

Seth Aaron is in. Jesse is in. So it’s down to the team leaders.

And Anthony is. . .in. Yay!

So Ping is out. She sobs a lot during her exit interview, causing one of the gays to say “oh, god, it’s like Tiananmen Square all over again,” and another one comfortingly says “don’t worry, Ping. Woody Allen will marry you.”

Next week! Designing for an inspiring group of women! The LARGEST challenge ever! Oh, please, god, let it be fatties. . . .

Project Runway: Old McHeidi Had A Farm, Ee-I-Ee-I-Oh

Dress was to “dye” for
Her favorite designer –
God – could not save Pam.

So to get a little business out of the way first, muffins, I had what I’m hoping was a 24 hour virus yesterday, and ended up watching Project Runway from my bed, alone, rather than surrounded by gays. And also I was in kind of a horrible mood from that ridiculous travesty of a clip show The Office had put me through an hour earlier. What the hell, Office? What’s next? A different stupid guest star every week, like Will & Grace? Clip shows are not a good sign, assholes.

So long story short, this recap should be super coherent, if less full of hilarity than usual.

Anyway. I’m kind of bummed that Pamela is gone. Not because I thought she was at all talented, but because now we’ll never get to hear the story of why she thought answering “God” to the question “who is your favorite designer?” on the application form for a fashion competition could possibly be a good idea. Also, I feel like she probably had a whole lot of untapped crazy that we never got to witness.

And also, I feel like the AUFs so far kind of show the opposite problem from last season. Last season, as you may recall, they got rid of two interesting but clearly whackadoo designers first, leaving us with that festival of boring crap and bucktoothed trannies that ended up dominating the runway.

This season, on the other hand, they’ve let go of two designers whose worst sin was being boring and tacky, and they’re protecting Jesus/Mexican Elvis/”Jesus,” who’s been in the bottom both weeks and seems to be designing strictly for the Lizard Queen. And they’re also keeping Ping, who got praised to high heaven for her exploded laundry bag couture last week, and this week sent her model pretty well bare-assed down the runway.

So I worry that the pendulum may be swinging too far back in the opposite direction. But we’ll see. It’s only two weeks in. I’m not going to start yelling just yet.

Let’s get going, then.

Morning! New York! Atlas Apartments! Oh, it’s still so nice to be home, isn’t it kiddos? The boys are sleeping and Emilio beats Jesus with a pillow. Jesus did not enjoy or expect being in the bottom 3. Someone else shows off their counting skillz by saying “challenge #2 is up next.”

Pamela has the realization that saying goodbye is going to happen one by one to everyone. Oh, here we go with the overstating the obvious again. Anna hopes their next challenge is something really New York.

Runway. Heidi gives them a subdued hello. Seriously, it’s like she’s dialed it back to about a two. Anyway, she reminds them that Emilio has immunity. In their next challenge, they want to see what the designers are made of. So they’re going on a field trip “to a place that is. . . a little out there.”

Janeanne thinks this could mean they’re going to “the moon” or “a Broadway show.” Um, ok, kiddo. Sure, they’re going to send you to the moon. That’s a totally logical assumption.

But no. It’s a farm. And Tim is there with all their models, who are all wearing potato sacks.

Tim tells them “you’ve heard the expression she’s so beautiful she’d even look good in a potato sack?” The designers get to prove that . The challenge is to make a party look from the potato sack. Plus, their models are their clients, and they’re wearing the look to an industry event.

Ok. . . this is the point at which I may start losing patience with this season. They just DID “make an outfit for your model to wear to an unspecified ‘industry event’” in season 6. Making it out of burlap is a twist, yes.. . .but a very minor twist. And it’s still fabric. It’s not the same as making a dress out of groceries or car parts.

Anyway, in a better twist, the models get to pick the designers they want to work with. Nice. That’s something I was hoping for last season, just to shake things up a little, and I think it’s good to do it now when model/designer loyalties haven’t quite set in.

So some model named Casey picks first. She chooses Jay; Jay is so happy about this that he cartwheels through manure. Ew.

And then all the models pick, but Tim doesn’t call their names and I can’t be bothered to remember because really, they’re just the models. And it’s not that I don’t watch Models of the Runway, it’s that I never watch it on time, and also that I really only watch the twenty minutes of tedious plot (seriously, last night the “old” models were mad at the “young” models for interacting with people at a party. What?) and model interaction to get through to the five minutes of model picking that I wish they’d never moved from Project Runway in the first place, because frankly, I care a whole freaking lot more about the designers’ reasons behind the picking than I do the models’ reactions to being picked.

Apparently they’re all sticking with the designers they had previously, so. . .BOORING.

Anyway, some model named Alexis spices things up by changing designers from Mila to Anthony. Mila is PISSED. Alison, who’d had Anthony, then has to change, so she picks Amy. Then Amy’s old model Valeria chooses Janeane, which makes Mila the last one standing. She ends up with some pale Wednesday Addams looking girl named Lorena.

They get to shop at a farm stand. WHAT? Is this Top Chef? Have I gotten my seasons confused? Did I fall asleep on the remote and wake up with the channel on Bravo? Where’s Tom and Padma.

Ok, so the farm stand has ribbons and notions and things, not berries and herbs and shit, like I was expecting. What the hell kind of farm is this, where models are the livestock and notions are the produce? They try to consult with their models while “shopping”. Amy finds taking her model’s input challenging. Ping wants to play with the texture of the sack. Mila is glad that she and Wednesday Addams have the same kind of aesthetic. Tyler Perry as Anthony thinks Alexis is very verbal about what she wants. He wants to make her happy “without sacrificing my thing here. Period.”

Tim tells them to grab their potato sacks and follow him. One of the gays texts me “Thank you, moo!” and then texts again to clarify that this is what they think Tim says as they leave the farm. I laugh out loud. Now I hate my stomach bug more than ever.

Parsons! Potato sack fashion flurry. Maya thinks the real challenge is making the potato sack look expensive.

Tim enters, and tells them not to lose sight of who they are as a designer, even though the models are the clients. They have until midnight.

Emilio thinks that this is a great challenge to have immunity on. Jesus says his model Brittany “wants a hoochy sexy dreaaaay-us.” Oh, Jesus. And by that I mean “Oh, Christ, prepare for a tacky fest,” not “Oh, Hay-soos, you rascal.”

Pamela is dying her sack. Heh. Sack.

Ben is making a voluminous inverted flower dress. Mila wonders if her former model wasn’t happy with her, and says to Anthony “it’s funny that she would pick you over me, because I thought we got along well.” She also says “it’s her loss,” and Anthony does a bitchy jaw drop and interviews “Mila can kiss me and my entire family’s asses.”

Ok. Now I’m kind of liking Tyler Perry as Anthony in Diary of a Mad Black Designer. But I still hate the actual Tyler Perry. Commercial!

Oh my god, the world premiere movie The Pregnancy Pact is only two days away. I know how I’m spending MY Saturday evening! Or not.

Back! Ping knows her way of working is very different, but she feels comfortable with it after being in the top 3 last time. Anna does a potato print on the fabric. Ok, remember how I said last time that the only thing I’d written down about Anna was “Adorbs”? I stand by that. She and her whole way of being. . . just ridiculously cute.

Tim thru! He starts with Pamela, and compliments her ombre dye. He does question whether her look should be one piece from a logistical/time/fit aspect.

Mila seems to have nothing but some paper with squiggles. He questions her decision to put tulle around the neck because the model wanted. Jay is trimming and dying everything, and Tim questions whether he’ll have the time.

Now for Ping. She is carving a necklace into the dress. . .or something. Tim tells her “I find it intriguing.” Ping replies “yes, I know. I’m always intriguing.” Tim also warns her not to make the skirt so short that the judges have model vadge all up in their faces. I mean, Tim says it a lot more eloquently than that, but it’s the same sentiment.

Amy has done a paneled skirt and is concerned about time. She explains what her model wants and Tim reminds her “if the judges don’t like the look, it won’t matter that your model does.”

Jesus is concealing his burlap with ribbon. Tim sees this as a problem because “it’s not intended to be a potato sack undergarment. . .I would say, forgive the pun, you’ve skirted the challenge.”

Jesus then blithely ignores him. Oh, Jesus. You may walk on water and all that good stuff, but seriously. When Tim talks, you mother effing listen.

Tim sends in the models. Ping makes sure her model’s buttocks are covered. Keith Richards says her construction skillz scare him.

Brittany loves Jesus’s dress, but shares Tims concerns. Alexis wants Anthony to put blue buttons on a cocktail dress. Anthony is not having any of this. Mila’s new model is chill, so she feels blessed to have had Alexis diss her.
Jonathan says people who are dying their burlap are at a time disadvantage. As though on cue, Jay’s material comes out navy blue, which I guess is not what he wanted. Commercial!

Does anyone else think the entire cast of Extraordinary Measures must’ve lost some horrible bet? I mean, it just looks like the worst movie ever.

Back! Day of Runway show! Pamela reflects on the things she has left to do and says she doesn’t want to end up having to sew her model into her dress. Jay freaks out about the fact that he has a lot to do.

Parsons! Sacking flurry! Janeane is stressed for time, but manages not to cry this week.

Tim enters! They have two hours to whore out their models for product placement purposes.

Models! Ben says that his model fell in love with the look the second she saw it. Amy says everyone is panicked, and half the people are going to have to sew people into the dress. Jonathan thinks Ping’s garment is not functional and doesn’t cover the model’s ass. But Ping seems unworried, so he muses “maybe there’s supposed to be an ass flap?”

I would LOVE it if there was supposed to be an ass flap. Can we make that a challenge for season 8? “Designers, today you’ll be putting your spin on an iconic garment: poop chute jammies. Your garment MUST be made of flannel, and it MUST have a functioning ass flap. Make it work!”

Anthony is shocked by Pamela’s model’s big ole’ butt, or at least the fact that it looks that way in her garment. Janeanne can’t get her model zipped. Everyone runs around insanely.

Tim tells them he “never dreamed that humble potato sacks could look this grand.” He also tells them to bring their equipment with them, because they’re heading down to the runway now. Commercial!

Back! Runway! Heidi reminds them what the prizes are, and introduces the judges – Michael, Nina, and Lauren Hutton! Let’s start the show.

Anthony’s dress is a flirty little cocktail dress in a warm pinkish color. I like it – mostly because I love the color--but I think it looks like a lot of fun with the little pouf to the skirt. The length is a little cheap looking, though.

Ping’s . . . looks like a potato sack with an ass flap. Lifetime, classy folks that they are, actually show us a flash of model crack as the girl walks back up the runway.

Ben’s is a really classic looking reddish pink dress with one shoulder and a full skirt. It’s kind of Audrey Hepburn. I like it. Mila’s is kind of a leatherette looking thing with space aged silver panels down the front.

Anna’s potato print technique comes out looking like burn-out velvet. The effect is cute, but the dress is just meh. Jesse LeNoir has made riding breeches with vest. Ok. I know I joked about loving him for his pornalicious name, but I also actually quite like what he’s done so far.

Seth Aaron has made an Eskimo from the future. It’s a sundress with a hood. Amy’s is a GORGEOUS flower looking dress in shades of brown. Janeanne’s is a dark grey dress with red accents.

Jay’s, despite his panic, is a hot little dark dress that has a feathered/Busby Berkley musical number thing going on. I kind of covet it.

Emilio has disappointed me this time with a blah tan and red halter dress. Jesus’s is a green lizard looking skirt with brown top. Why does everything he make look like lizards? Jonathan’s is a beige halter dress with lace down the front. It’s kind of ‘90’s trampy girl at homecoming.

Maya’s is an odd multicolored thing. Finally, Pamela has made a very ordinary strapless blue denim looking thing. It kind of looks like what the girls who tramped around with the shit kickers would’ve worn at my high school. In Arizona. In 1993.

Heidi calls out Pamela, Mila, Ping, Jay, Jesus, and Amy. They’re on the runway – everyone else is safe.

Out come the models. Starting with Jay, he tells the judges he loves to make patterns. Kors thought he’d cheated aft first because it’s so well done. Lauren Hutton tells him his design is “nicely abstract; lovely.”

Moving to Pamela, Nina says her dress is “too short and too tight. It also looks almost not sophisticated.” Kors tells Pamela “a plain potato sack would look more flattering on her.” He does say that her dye job is beautiful. Heidi asks the model if she’ll be comfortable going to an event in that. Her model says“uh. . .”

DAMN. The model totally sold her out.

Mila tells them she pushed herself to make a futuristic/modern dress out of farm material. Heidi loves it. Of course she does – it’s tight and shiny. If it were short, it would’ve hit her trifecta. Kors doesn’t like the gaping at the top of the dress. Heidi replies “I like that it gapes, that you can sort of see a little bit boobie here and there.” Holy god, could this woman be any tackier? Anyway, Nina says it’s “fantastic.”

Ping expected her model’s skin color to contrast more. Ping then cries. Her model comforts her. Then they talk about the ass factor. Heidi tells her “you do have an edgy eye. . .but does it really translate to real fashion?”

Heidi asks Jesus what percentage of his look is sacking and what’s other material. He says the bodice is sack and the skirt is layered ribbon. Heidi doesn’t see enough of the challenge in his outfit. Lauren Hutton tells him “dresses should be like paintings. And that’s sort of a very confused assault on the eye painting.”

I kind of love Lauren Hutton.

Amy talks about wanting to retain the organic quality of the burlap. Kors tells her that she “used the fabric but made it flirty and feminine” without trying to disguise it.

Heidi sends them off.

Heidi thinks this challenge is fantastic. Ugh. Stop overselling, Heidi. It’s better than the lazy ass bullshit "make a pretty dress" challenges you had them doing last season, but it’s not all that.

Starting with the positives, Nina loves the transformation in Jay’s. Lauren Hutton loves how he made the burlap light.

On Mila’s Heidi thought it was amazing and loved it. Kors thought it was “edgy and hot.” Nina thought it was a real collaboration between Mila and the model.

Amy’s was sophisticated and chic. Kors says she let you “see the potato sack so that you knew it was potato sack, but she’d transformed it.” Lauren Hutton is very impressed.

On the bad side, Kors was bothered about the way the color stopped on the skirt and made the ass asymmetrical. Yeah, “asymmetrical ass” is not something I look for in a cocktail dress. Nina says all they’ve seen from him is brown and pea green.

Heidi doesn’t know if Ping is using a language barrier as an excuse; Kors thinks she doesn’t listen. Lauren Hutton thinks if she’d been able to line her garment, it would’ve been something.

Well, it would’ve at least been something with the ass covered instead of hanging out to yonder for the good lord and all the little fishies to see, that’s for damn sure.

Kors questions Pamela’s creativity and the fact that her dress made her model look like a giant size 8 fatty. Heidi thought it was well made, and they all agree that the dying was incredible.

Commercial!

Back! Amy is in. Jay turned a burlap potato sack into a beautiful and sophisticated cocktail dress. Mila did amazing things with her material.

Jay is in. . .AND the winner of the challenge.

Yay! Two weeks in a row where I agree with the winner! This is a good start!
Anwyay, Jay does a little thank you dance and jumps around behind the scrim. Then he goes back stage and screams “I woooooon”

Mila is in. Ping is in, despite having sent a bare assed model down the runway.

So it’s Pamela or Jesus. Pamela’s dress was unflattering, and they question her taste level and ability to be fashion forward. Jesus missed the point of the challenge and covered up the potato sack, plus his dress was mundane and matronly.

But somehow he’s in. Seriously? SeriouslY? Mexican Elvis makes two lizard dresses in a row and he’s in? Oy.

So Pamela’s out. She interviews that she’s fallen in love with everyone in the competition, and is proud that they’re her friends. It’s kind of a spectacularly naive exit speech.

Next time! Iconic fashion designers! Teams of two! Ping issues! Anthony and Keith Richards fight. The Cotillion party from hell!

Project Runway: New York is in the Mutha-Effing House. Of Fashion.

Goodbye, Christiane.
Girl, you made no impression
But tacky/quiet.

It’s back, my loveable clinging limpets!

Except . . . we have yet to see what’s back, right? Is it the show we loved and cherished for oh so many years, or is it the logical successor to last season? I know that all the forward press I’ve seen for this season has been good, but I feel like it’s too soon to tell.

I mean, I’ve already heard people talking about how great this episode was, but 1) really? What are you basing this on? Did anything even happen last night, beyond eleventy million designers being introduced, quickly making dresses, and then doing a runway show before anyone really had time to process their names? And b) maybe it’s just me, but while I totally agree with the winner and loser, I think that some of the judges’ other selections show signs of the same levels of tacky ass crack smoking we saw last season.

So I’m reserving judgment.

I mean, not really. I’m still going to be horribly judgey, but I’m not going to go all “OMG, teh reelz Project Runway is BACK, bitchez” or anything just yet.

So. Let’s get to it.

The DVR seems to have cut off the first 30 seconds or so of the episode, so our version (and maybe yours too?) opens with the designers arriving. With blinding speed (because that’s the only way to fit them all in), we are introduced to:

Seth Aaaron, who likes to add elements to vintage clothes. By the midway point of the show, my group will start referring to him as “Keith Richards”, which is completely unfair since he’s only 38. But he does look like he’s lived every day of those 38 years.

Janeane is from Portland. She dorks out about being in New York for the first time, and cries a lot. We start calling her “Liz Lemon,” and one of my friends says “spoiler alert – she wins” the moment her name tag appears on screen. So, there you have it folks. Two minutes into the season, a totally unverified, unsourced, and unsubstantiated prediction.

Ping is a physical therapist and a designer. She says being a physical therapist helps her understand how the body works.

Ben went to school for comic book design.

Anthony, or Big Gay Anthony, appears in a tragic gold tux shirt and works really hard at making himself a caricature. We start calling him “Tyler Perry,” and any segment that features him is “Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Family Runway, starring Tyler Perry; produced by Tyler Perry; written and directed by Tyler Perry; with Tyler Perry and Tyler Perry. “

Remind me some time to write about how much I loathe Tyler Perry. The real one, not Anthony. Or at least, not YET.

Moving on, we get Jay, who is 31 and from San Francisco.

Anna is just adorable. That’s all I’ve written down about her. Actually, I wrote down “adorbs,” which is, if anything, even less informative.

Jonathan growls at the camera, which kind of endears him to me.

Then there’s my possible all time favorite, Jesse Le Noir. Jesse Le Noir has a name that’s crying out for a lucrative porn career, and he used to play Jack Sparrow at Disneyland.

Mila is a costume designer.

Maya likes fashion that takes risks. Which is the dumbest thing ever to say to distinguish yourself, when you think of it. Most designers aren't known for liking fashion that plays it safe.

Christiane has absolutely nothing next to her name. That’s how little of an impression she made before she left. Spoiler alert!

Jesus has very sincere eyebrows, and looks kind of like a Mexican Elvis. So we call him that, or “Jesus” with the English pronunciation.

Emilio is like Epperson's secret younger brother, and/or alternate identity so he can come back and compete again this season and maybe not get the shaft.

Finally, there’s Amy, who is Iranian.

(Except not finally, because I seem to have missed Pamela? Because in her bio she says her favorite designer is God, and I was too busy yelling "that's the one whose favorite designer is God!" and pointing at the screen when she came on to take any notes).

The designers get the inevitable invitation to join Heidi and Tim on the roof of the Atlas apartments. Heidi welcomes them back to New York fairly effusively, though she stops short of actually apologizing for dragging the show out to L.A. and turning it into a festival of tackiness and mediocrity. But maybe that’s just because this season started taping before she realized how much people were going to start hating her last season.

She introduces Tim, who tells them that they’re the most innovative group of designers the show has ever had. Well, that’s. . .something. They have their inevitable champagne toast, and Heidi makes the almost inevitable announcement that she’ll be having cider because she’s pregnant. Again.

There are jokes in the living room about Seal cubs and clubbing them which seemed hilarious at the time, but in the cold grey light of 5:50 a.m., just sounds like animal cruelty. So we’ll let that slide.

On screen, they do the getting to know you bullshit. Tim tells them that tomorrow they’ll meet him in Central Park to learn about the first challenge.

So cut to the next morning. They all turn up in Central Park, where there’s just a shitload of fabric sitting around on benches and in bins. Tim welcomes them and tells them they’ve got 100s of yards of fabric to choose from, and 3 minutes to grab as much of it as they can. They’ll then take it back to Parsons and design a look that should embody who they are.

Fabric flurry! Emilio tells the cameras that the designers run for the fabric like “fat people at an open buffet in Vegas.” Heh. It's funny because it's completely sizeist (seriously -- you want to see someone houseing an open buffet, unloose me on it my first year in grad school -- my 115 lbs, 22 year old, broke-ass self would've eaten her weight and lined her pockets with the leftovers).

After their three minutes are up, Tim tells them that they now have their first opportunity to edit: they have to select only 5 of their fabrics to take with them . This is very confusing to Ping, who somehow finds herself enmeshed in a bolt of diaphanous red crap as a result of trying to edit.

Commercial!

Back! Parsons! Tim tells them about the Brother sewing room next door, and that they now all have an HP touch screen notepad to sketch on. Because there wasn't enough product placement before. Their models have been preassigned. They have until midnight tonight and a little bit of tomorrow to work, and the winner will get immunity.

Fashion flurry! Ping drapes on herself because she thinks her designs look best on a body.

We’re told they have 8 hours left. Shortly thereafter, Tim sends their models in for 30 minutes.

At this point, it becomes painfully clear that Jesus/Mexican Elvis/”Jesus” has designed what can only be called a poop dress. It’s a short brown dress with a brown train coming out the back. A brown scarf train, that starts at a point right about where the model’s anus would be, and then widens out as it flows down the runway behind her.

The models leave. More sewing! Tim through!

Beginning with Christiane, he looks at all of the details on her dress and asks her whether not having something would hurt it. He then moves on to Ping, who is clearly insane, and wearing about 30 lbs of fabric on her body. Tim responds to her using the exact neutral voice you use if you ever get drawn into conversation with a clearly disturbed but benign homeless person outside of Safeway.

Seth Aaron loves zippers. Ok. Janeane has some sort of dress that my notes describe as either “pukey,” “puckery” or “flocky.” Anthony tells Tim he’s “wonderfully well,” and then shows him a really grotesque looking dress.

Tim is concerned about Mexican Elvis’s poop dress. Well, it’s a poop dress, Jesus. What did you expect? Finally, Emilio only has an unfinished top.

Tim tells them they have 2 hours left. Janeane cries again. Everyone in the living room yells for Jonathan to take his shirt off. Mila criticizes Christiane’s construction.

Jonathan interviews that “Ping’s outfit is. . . very Ping. Ping may go home.”

Tim then sends in the models for their product placement exercises.

Jesus’s model likes the poo dress, somehow. We get a good look at Anthony’s dress for the first time, and one of the gays says “THAT is PEE-GEE county.”

(That’s a gift for those of you in the DC metro area. The rest of you should google “Prince George’s County Maryland” to find out what it means)

Commercial!

Back! Runway! Heidi introduces the prizes, which have been expanded to include a $50,000 HP office suite. Then she introduces the judges: Top American designer Michael Kors; Editor at Large for Marie Claire Magazine, Nina Garcia, and Nicole Richie. Nicole Richie looks like death warmed over. I hope this was filmed right after she’d had the second kid or something, because there is NO other excuse for looking that wrecked. Anyway, we’re all so busy exclaiming over that that I miss Heidi’s rationalization for having her as a guest judge on the program.

Let’s start the show!

The first thing out is Jonathan’s, which is a black spacey looking dress. It’s ok. Seth Aaron has made a gingham picnic whore ensemble with a blood red zipper running straight up the ass crack. What is it with colored zippers running up the ass crack? Is that really a part of the anatomy we want to highlight, ladies?

Jesus has transformed his short cocktail dress to a long evening dress. So now instead of looking like she is pooping, the model looks like one giant poop. For Ben’s dress, I write down “Space Whores of the 23rd century.”

Jay has designed a costume for a younger Hedda Lettuce. Pamela’s is a crappily made hot pink DVF rip off. Emilio’s is an adorable purple dress. Jesse Le Noir’s is a cocktail dress/suit thingy of suiting material--it looks really ordinary until he takes the jacket off to reveal a red satin blouse. Then suddenly, it becomes stunning. I really like it.

Ping, who we’ve started calling Yoko, appears to have sent a pile of fabric down the runway. That’s the only way I can describe it.

Christiane’s dress is horribly tacky, and reminds me of Qristyl with a Q from last season. Reminding me of Qristyl with a Q is never good. Also, one of the gays says she looks like she's "waiting for the bus at P.G. Plaza" which is a shady mall in Prince George's County.

Amy has made a dress from NASCAR flags. Janeane/Liz Lemon has designed a beige and black thing that is ok but too boxy. Mila’s has an awesome capelet jacket.

Anthony has designed a costume for a girl in the 3rd line of the chorus in a High School Production of 42nd Street. In P.G. County. It’s that awful, that costumey, and that poorly made.

Anna -- or, as my notes call her, “other white girl,” – has made a yellow dress. Finally, Maya’s is a beige thing with a shoulder explosion.

On the runway, Heidi calls Amy, Anna, Ben, Janeanne, Jay, Jesse, Jonathan, Maya, Mila, and Pamela. They are SAFE. They leave the runway.

The judges start the conversations with Anthony/Tyler Perry as Anthony. Heidi likes the bottom, but not the top. Kors points out that not a lot of women are going to want to wear an “appendage” on their hip.

Seth Aaron/Keith Richards mysteriously calls his look “Little Tokyo,” despite the fact that there’s nothing recognizably Asian-y about it. If I’d named it, I would’ve called it “Slutty Americana” or “Trampy Farm Girl on the Rag” (because of the blood trail/zipper down the back). Anyway, Nicole Richie mysteriously says he made everything work. Heidi, unmysteriously (since she loves the tacky crap) thinks it’s fun and has a point of view. And in a turn so baffling that it literally knocks me out of my seat, Nina loves the back.

Just kill me now. If they’re rewarding menstrually inspired dresses right off the bat, I can’t survive.

Turning to Ping/Yoko, Nicole Richie calls it “a show within itself” and says she’d wear it. Now I REALLY hope she’s crazed with post pregnant hormones in this episode. Or she has the flu, because I can see how wearing something that resembles a giant pile of sheets would be appealing when you have the flu. Nina returns to sanity and says it looks uncomfortable, but Kors calls it a great opening project.

Jesus/Mexican Elvis/”Jesus” singlehandedly restores my faith in Kors/Nina with their responses.

Kors says it looks like “a huge crocodile trunk exploded on an evening gown.” Nina adds “she looks like a Hershey chocolate bar.”

Moving to Christiane, Nina likes the draping, but isn’t crazy about the combination of fabric.

Finally, Heidi compliments Emilio’s weaving. Nina likes the technical work and thinks it would have great hanger appeal. Nicole Richie loves the full skirt.

The judges send the designers off so they can confer.

Beginning with Anthony, Nina says there’s a problem between the choice of fabric and the silhouette. Heidi calls Christiane’s dress unsophisticated. Nicole Richie kind of liked Jesus’s, but Kors points out that it had all of the clichés of “wow, isn’t that glamorous. . .in a lounge, in Las Vegas, in 1972.”

HA!

Then they move on to the ones they – sometimes bafflingly – like. They want to know what Seth Aaron is about. Um. . . picnics, whores, and menstruation? That’s just my first impression.
Moving to Emilio—who everyone in the living room loves so far – Nicole Richie loves the cut. Heidi found it too sweet, but Nina defends his choice of fabric as “smart.” Finally, Kors says he was “transported” by Ping’s look. Me too, Michael – it transported me back to a time last week when it was 30 degrees out and I had that awful cold and I couldn’t do anything but stay in bed under 6 different blankets.

Commercial!

Back! Heidi tells them that one of them will be the winner. . . and one of them. . . will be AUWT.

Ping is in. Emilio. . .is the winner! Yay! He thinks winning the first challenge both throws down the gauntlet and puts a target on his back.

Seth Aaron is in. Anthony is in. For some reason, he double checks to make sure she said in. Heidi replies “I said EEN. Before I change my mind, Auf Weidersehn. Leave the Runway.”

WOW.

So it’s down to Christiane and Jesus. Christiane’s had issues with fabric and construction, and gave the judges no idea who she was. Jesus chose the wrong fabric and the wrong garment.

Ultimately, though, Jesus makes for better TV and they learned their lesson last season about eliminating all of the interesting characters too early in the season. So Jesus is EEN, and Christiane is AUWT.

Next week! Let’s see what you’re made of! A farm! Flabbergasted! Ping cries!

An open letter to my fellow Green Line riders

Hey you,

I just have to get something off my chest.

I know conditions are unbelievably shitty at the moment. I know that every train during rush hour is overstuffed beyond belief, and that this is only exacerbated by the fact that there seems to have been some sort of "ghost train" riding the rails for about 8 months now.

(Seriously -- every morning at about 8:50 at the U St. station, there's an invisible train. The display goes through the whole thing of telling you it's X minutes away, and then that it's approaching [blinking lights and all], and then that it has arrived and is boarding. But THERE'S NO TRAIN THERE. Has anyone else noticed this?)

But here's the thing -- and this comes down to both a matter of politeness and one of just simple physics:

If you are an average or above average sized American male, no matter how crowded the train is, you cannot, cannot, cannot lean your full body weight against the 129 lbs woman who, at barely 5'6", is only managing the most tenuous of two fingered grips on the bar above her head.

This has happened a lot recently, from -- as far as I can tell -- different people each time.

And at first I thought you were just creepy guys trying to cop a feel and doing it wrong because we're both wearing 20 layers of clothing and you couldn't figure out where the interesting bits were.

But the last few days it's been pretty clear -- you're just flat out leaning on me for support.

And you can't do that, guys. For one thing, it's fucking rude.

But you mostly can't do it just because it's physically unsu-fucking-stainable. You're taller than I am, you outweigh me by 60-100 lbs, and since I can't reach the goddamn bar, I don't have a reliable center of balance.

One wrong lurch and we all fall down and go boom, guys, like a pile of wool clad dominoes on the filthy disgusting floor of the train.

Is whatever relief or cheap thrills you're getting from pressing into me really worth it?

Oh, and you, with the blue argyle scarf this morning? Back the fuck off on the Old Spice too.

--JB

Insult Guy's New Year's Message to His Fans

I just passed him on my way home. He wants you all to know he's "still 100%, still damn sexy, and I work out every day."

So the next time you rage out on the "Resolutioners" clogging up your gym, remember: one of them might be Insult Guy.

I should also mention that he had the sleeves of his track suit jacket pushed up to the elbows. Insult Guy is impervious to the cold, yo.

(This makes him markedly different from the other disturbed African-American little person who hangs out in my neighborhood, the one who berates us all as we head into the U St station in the mornings. At first I thought s/he was friends with the Express distributor, but we've got a new one now, and the little person is still there. How did I luck out to live in such an AWESOME neighborhood?)