Jordan Baker Reads the Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade Magazine ONE LAST TIME, So You Don't Have To

A few days after we last speculated about the fate of Sandra Lee's Semi-Homemade Magazine, this little gem from the lady herself staggered drunkenly forth from her Twitter :

After my first snort of laughter wore off, I wondered three things: 1) is "professional twitter consultant" an actual job you get paid for, and if so, how do I get in on that sweet gig?; b) does that explain why she hasn't responded to my very polite query about the whereabouts of my magazine yet?; And iii) . . .

. . . .I forget what iii was. It can't have been that important.

Anyway, a couple of days after that, our postman managed to carve himself out of the snow bank he'd been encased in for a week, and staggered up our steps, and after knocking the icicles off his moustache, grunted out something that sounded like "oil can!" from his chapped lips and frozen jaw, and thrust this into my hands:

It's here! It's here! The February/March Semi-Homemade Magazine is finally --

WHAT THE HELL?????

So Sandra Lee has cancelled the month of February. In Sandra Lee land, the year goes February/March; April/May; June/July; August/September; October/November; December/January; and then March/April.

On the one hand, it seems pretty high handed to single handedly cancel an entire month. I mean, without February, there's no Valentine's Day, no Arizona Statehood Day, no President's Day, no Black History Month.

On the other hand, with SNOWZILLA (raaaaawr!) and all, this February seems pretty much lost even without Sandra's handiwork. AND if there's no February, I don't turn 33 at the end of it.

Thanks for cancelling February, Sandra! You couldn't have done that a couple years earlier?

Anyway, after I'd laughingly discarded the card reminding me that this was my LAST ISSUE, and that I could renew for $21.98 if I responded by February 10 (in the first place -- $22? Bitch, please. And in the second, the 10th of February was long, long gone by the time I got my copy), I poured myself a large-ish vodka tonic with a twist of lemon to go with the extreme yellow-ness of the cover, and set about reading and taking pictures. . .

And then the power went out. For two hours. During which time I had little to do but sit in the dark and drink my drink, and read a book by candlelight, and when the power came back on I was drunk and tired and in no mood for Sandra's foolishness. And then I had a really busy week. . .

. . . but here we are now, for one last trip through the hallowed pages. And I have to say, it's a pretty shitty issue, and not really worth a month's wait. They've cancelled a lot of the most delightful features -- like my personal favorite "5 things you can do with a . . .," and there's no "From One Semi-Homemaker To Another" section, which is probably the result of this magazine having 0 readership (except me) and thus 0 people to submit recipes.

Or they heard some mean bitch might mock you on the interwebs if you submitted, and that scared them off. Fear no more, sedentary homemakers of America! After this month, you can resume sending in your ideas about how to roll a Smithfield pork loin in McCormick Season packets and French's fried onions, and then cook it in your slow cooker in a bath of Dr. Pepper (hm, maybe that doesn't sound too bad. . . ) without fear of mockery.

But there are a few tings that are delightfully whackadoo enough that I feel like they're little "goodbye" kisses to me. There's not enough to make me even think about re-upping, but there's enough to make me think fondly of the days of "you can hang your jewelry in a spare frame!"

So inevitably, we start with the 1) Letter From Sandra

It's the weird blend of fantasy and incoherence we've come to know and love. Basically, Chinese cherry blossoms make her happy because she had 8 in her backyard growing up. Interesting how she deploys the abusive parents/serial abandonment/poverty so poor they had to live on dreams and Bisquik version of her childhood when it suits her, but other times she's all "my sisters. . .and I would run outside when the wind was blowing and stand under the falling petals. The blossoms blew a fantasy of pink fluff all around us, as f it were falling from heaven."

And now she's excited because she's planting a bunch of them in her own yard "at Lilly Pond." I think the fact that shes named her country place "Lilly Pond" sums up everything I find most pathetic about her -- it's a name straight out of a little girl's My Little Pony Magic Castle Fantasies, and naming your house that when you're in your forties is a grade A example of arrested development, and pretty fucking sad.

2) Behind the Scenes celebrates the fact that "February 2010 marked the first birthday of Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade Magazine."

Apparently the way you celebrate the first anniversary of your magazine is by cancelling the month in which it was launched. I'm including the picture of this page mostly for Carol and spoonieroonie, so they can enjoy the gorgeous picture of her li'l nephew Brycer over on the right hand side.

3) Spring Fling is the normal assortment of crap you can buy. . . or rather, must-have products. This month, we must have some sort of Ice Cream Scoop & Stack that makes your ice cream look like the squared off scoops you used to get at Thrifty Drug in Arizona. Ok, I kind of must have that, actually, just for the Arizona nostalgia factor.

4) Shortcut Chic gives us our usual range of things that don't save you any time at all, like making corsages out of cupcake wrappers, and turning a normal deviled egg into some sort of multi-tiered pastry-piped nightmare. (I tried to get a picture of this, but there was way too much white on the page).

5) Five Money Saving Meals gives us our delightful meals for the week.

This week, your family will start off the week with Crispy Baked Catfish with Creamy Coleslaw (from a bag) and Spicy Baked Beans (from a can,but with even more sugar added), and Slow-Cooker Swiss Steak with pre-made mashed potatoes. Then on Wednesday, we take things South of the Border (ai-yi!) with Taquitos Casserole.


Taquitos Casserole is such a thing of beauty that Have to share the recipe with you -- it's like the Burrito Casserole from the first issue come back to life:

3 boxes frozen taco beef and cheese taquitos
1 can nacho cheese condensed soup
1 can cheddar cheese condensed soup
1 can diced tomatoes and green chilies [sic]
1 package shredded sharp cheddar cheese
1 container diced fresh tomatoes
1 can sliced ripe black olives, rinsed and drained.
Garnish: chopped fresh cilantro

Preheat oven to 450. Bake taquitos according to package direction. Reduce oven temperature to 400. Spray an 11x7 baking dish with nonstick spray

In a medium bowl, stir together soups and tomatoes and green chiles; set aside.

In prepared baking dish, layer half of taquitos and half of soup mixture. Repeat layers once. Bake at 400 for 20 minutes; sprinkle cheese over top, and bake for 5 minutes longer or until cheese melts. Remove from oven and top with diced tomatoes and olives. Garnish with chopped cilantro, if desired.

I know, right? Isn't that just amazing? I especially love the fresh cilantro garnish -- it makes me wonder if Sandra is a fan of Fancy Fast Food, where they'll often use fresh herbs "for garnish and a touch of irony."

After that gastronomic delight, you finish out the week with Pork chops with onion gravy (from onion gravy mix) and Home-Style Potatoes (Simply Potatoes) and Turkey Piccata over Pasta with Spinach.

6) Decadent Delights is the dessert feature. I'm not even going to bother with this, because except for one cupcake recipe that uses cake mix and a pie that uses pre-made crust, these are distressingly un-Semi-Homemade.

So let's move on to 7) Kimber's Heirloom Easy

. ..which isn't Kimber's Heirloom Easy anymore. I guess not enough people sent in recipes for her to bastardize. Huh. Anyway. Kimber's Family Favorites are chicken drumsticks baked in a glaze of brown sugar, balsamic, mustard and garlic. It doesn't sound half bad.

8) 20 Minute Meals, on the other hand. . .



I guess you could call this the replacement of the "5 things you can do with a . . ." feature, since it's essentially 4 things you can do with a pound of ground beef and an Old El Paso seasoning packet. You can make Easy Burritos (with beef)! You can make Nachos Verde (with beef)! You can make Taco Salad (beef) you can make Tacos!

Sigh.

9) Egg-Cellent Ideas is a bunch of egg based recipes. It's all Quiches and Frittatas and Stratas (oh my!), and it's just dullsville.

So let's throw a party! Let's see. . . what kind of party can we throw for March?

Great idea! We'll 10) March into March Madness. Because people love to have parties and watch sporting events. And what will we serve? Oh, not your ordinary chili and beer, that's for damn sure. We'll have Tip-Off Bloody Marias! And Time-Out Shrimp Shooters with Avocado Remoulade! And Sideline Tortilla Soup (because who DOESN'T love balancing a bowl of soup while they watch TV)! And Slam-Dunk Open-Face French Onion Pork Sandwiches (because again -- open faced = super convenient and tidy to eat on the sofa)! And Courtside Coleslaw! And Round Ball March Madness Cookies!

But wait. How will we make our March Madness Party extra special?


We'll have basketball themed place cards! And use whistles as napkin rings! And print off a bunch of brackets to use as a table runner! Because of course we're going to invite everyone over for a March Madness party and then make them eat at the table, at assigned places. What, did you think we were actually going to watch the games and eat in the living room?? How unclassy! That is NOT the way we roll at Lilly Pond.

11) Light Fare is a selection of stir fry recipes you can make using frozen veggies and frozen shrimp and ramen and Uncle Ben's rice mix.

12) One Box Four Ways is another sad attempt to replace the hole left in my heart by the absence of "five things you can do with a . . ." by giving me four things to do with a box of Minute Rice. You can make rice timbales. You can make Sesame Pork Fried Rice. You can make Mediterranean Rice Salad with Lemon-Garlic Vinaigrette. You can make Rice Pudding.

Sigh.

It's just not doing it for me, Sandra. After months of "you can put a fish in it in your vase! You can put a cake on your cake stand!" a tame little "you can make rice pudding out of it" just isn't going to keep me around.

That's how you lost me, Sandra. If you liked it,then you should've put a cake on it. If you liked it, then you should've put a fish in it. Don't be mad when you see Paula Deen's got it. Cause if you liked it, then you should've put some random beads on it.

Oh-oh-ohhhhh oh oh oh!

13) Sandra's Sensational 7 is her attempt to keep the lights on by shilling 7 products. This month,it's Pilsbury pizza crust; Progresso Panko Crumbs; Classico Tomato Basil sauce; Lindsay Olives; Kikkoman Stir Fry Mix; Mezzetta Roasted Sweet Bel Pepper Strips; and Ghirardelli Baking Chocolate.

14) Crowd Pleasing Casseroles presents "Smokin' Festive Food." It's a recipe for Sausage and Wild Rice Casserole, and one for Chicken and Sausage Cassoulets.

Time for the entertaining section! Let's start with a 15) Fun and Festive Birthday Bash
Doesn't that look fun and festive, children? In fact, looking at the bright primary colors and balloons and things, you'd assume it was for children, right? Actual children, like the ones on Project Runway last week. So what should we serve them?



Parmesan Caesar Salad, Lasagna Style Baked Spaghetti, Baked Buttered Spaghetti,and Polka Dot cake,of course.

Now, I am the last person on earth to be anti-carb, but even to me, two baked spaghetti dishes in the same meal seems excessive.

The polka dot cake is made with Funfetti cake, of course. I'm not going to make fun of that. I love me a Funfetti cake something powerful.

But let's move on to 16)Easter Celebration
Where we'll have an insanely yellow color scheme, and a fairly traditional menu: Rose Wine-Tail; Parslied Cloverleaf Rolls (made from Parker House Rolls); Goat Cheese and Strawberry Salad; Grilled Leg of Lamb; Roasted Asparagus; Garlic-Herb Fingerling Potatoes; Corn Pudding; and Buttercup Cupcakes:


.. .which is what Sandra is shown slaving over on the cover -- a bunch of cupcakes made with pound cake mix and buttermilk, iced flourescent yellow, and speared onto a florist's sphere with toothpicks.

Then we'll randomly celebrate Spring with a feature called 17) Celebrating Spring

This party doesn't seem to involve any food at all, but it did almost win me back with the centerpieces:

"Transform everyday sun hats and handbags into centerpieces using seasonal flowers and Oasis floral foam. Invert a sun hat into a traditional rifle bowl, placing a plastic liner insde the hat. Place wet foam inside the liner, and arrange flowers of varying heights and colors."

She put a hat in a trifle dish and put flowers in it. Sandra. Oh, Sandra. This is why we used to be so good together. You liked it. You went and put a hat in it. But it's too little, too late.

It's 18) Cocktail Time! The best time of the day,and the part I really never make fun of because the recipes look ok. This time we're having a Ginger-Mint Mojito, a Cucumber Vodka Tonic, and an Apple Manhattan. For our snackies, we'll have Mini Black and Blue Pitas (roast beef and Gorgonzola on mini pitas) and Bacon and Cream Cheese on Endive. I WILL mae fun of the Easy Cheese Straws,though. You use packaged pie crust mix and processed cheese spread to make these before extruding them through a cookie press.

19) When Girls Gather.. .
. . . . you can ply them with Lemon Drop Martinis and con them into mking the party favors for one of your other parties. A party these midlevel friends aren't invited too. Hahahahaahah! They're drunk! They'll never remember that you used them as some sort of alcoholic sweat shop!

20) In Community Sandra is "feeding Minds" by helping some children from Share Our Strength's Operation Frontline make Caramel-Peanut Butter Bars. They look pretty damn good. Not healthy, since they involve cake mix and Peter Pan Peanut Butter and Whole Milk, but tasty.

And we end the issue, and the entire project, with the 21) Paper Plate Feature, which is a Curried Chicken Salad sandwich on Croissant.

And that was all she wrote (unless she has a moment of weakness and sits in a Borders for a couple of hours cackling and typing and trying to covertly take pictures of the April/May issue. Or the May/June issue, in case there's no April in Sandy Land this year.

Bye, Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade Magazine. We've had some laughs, and a passable pink cake, and some pretty good mushroom hors d'ouevres, and some dog bones that made George's farts stinky.

And now we go our separate ways.

Project Runway: I Believe The Children Are Our Couture

Sad spinster hairdo
Sighing, sewing, and sobbing
Boring gets the axe.

Hello again, lieblings. Here we are again, like we are every Friday morning, talking about the previous night’s episode of Project Runway. Did you like it? I liked it. I know they’ve done teens in the past, but I feel like this is the first time they’ve done actual children, and I feel like that’s a nice way to stretch things out, and arrange it so that every challenge isn’t just “make a pretty dress in 24 hours.”

I don’t 100% agree with Janeane leaving, though. I didn’t find her outfits anywhere near as offensive as the judges did, and while I’ll agree that they were a bit been there/done that, so were a lot of the other ones that were out there. But I can’t be too broken up about it, because she wasn’t that great and she wasn’t that interesting and she just cried so. Damn. Much.

I am sad, though, that they’ve started killing off all the people I had nicknames for, especially since I’m running out of Tyler Perry references to use with Anthony.

And I’m stunned that there are only three women left in the competition. I’m taking this as evidence that Lifetime is responding to the criticism that having 3 young women in the final 3 last year was “too Lifetimey” by making it all but impossible to have a female winner.

Anyway. My notes from last night were particularly crappy because I was wearing an awesome vintage A-line skirt that I got at Remix, and it has this intricate two snaps and two hooks top closure that, because of the way I was sitting, kept popping open every time I laughed. So I spent a lot of time last night refastening my . . .fastenings, and didn’t pay as much attention as usual. But here we go:

Morning! New York! Atlas Apartments! In guys apartment #1 someone (I can’t tell who—it passes too quickly for me to get more than a whitish arm) someone is sleeping with a stuffed sheep. Tyler Perry as Anthony in The Family That Sashays Together says that it felt awesome to win the last challenge, but he hates the fact that he doesn’t have immunity.

In girls’ apartment #1 – otherwise known as THE ONLY GIRLS APARTMENT LEFT SINCE AT THIS POINT (foreshadowing) THERE ARE ONLY 3 GIRLS IN THE COMPETITION – Janeanne/Liz Lemon/Mel from Frasier. is feeling drained because the editor of Mary Clare hated her clothes. And also because drained is the natural state of being for Victorian spinsters.

In guys apartment #2, Emilio talks about how he plans to play it safe. Jesse LeNoir interviews that being safe or in the bottom is not an option this week.

Runway! Heidi enters wearing a lovely, fresh looking Grecian style gown. Yes, mark your calendars, folks – I really like something Heidi Klum is wearing. I actually prefer it when she wears tacky crap; liking her outfit is kind of messing with my worldview.

Anyway, she chirps her usual “HALLO” at them, and then tells them that for this challenge, they’re going to have new models. She adds that their models are inexperienced, but very attractive.

Pan to the scrim at the top of the runway, and in walks. . . .a bunch of children! Jesse LeNoir says “oh crap.”

Heidi informs the designers that their challenge this week is to make a kids look that is both age appropriate and fashionable.

Seth Aaron says that he has an eleven year old daughter, so he knows that kids have very specific tastes. “He has an ELEVEN year old?” one of the gays says, aghast. “Well, he’s 38,” I point out. They all react to this like I’ve said “well, he’s 17” – like 38 is scandalously young to have an 11 year old. I wonder – not for the first time – if gay men have very different biological clocks.

The child models run down the line announcing which designers they’ve been paired with. They’re really freaking cute – there’s a little blonde one I kind of want to jump through the TV and run away with.

Parsons! The designers walk into the work room and giggle at their tiny dress forms. Tim reminds them about the challenge since Heidi’s done the heavy lifting of actually telling them about it (for once), and adds that they’ll have a budget of $50 at mood, and until midnight to work. They won’t see their child models again until tomorrow.

Jonathan, whose bangs are mysteriously depoufed during this episode, says that he’s going to try and make a kimono sleeved romper. Hm. Anthony interviews that it’s a challenge to “find a way to integrate Anthony into a little girl’s dress.”

I want to make a joke about how I bet it’s not the first time Anthony has been in a little girl’s dress, but it’s less funny at 5:56 in the morning and knowing that his word choice was “integrate” than it was last night after my 3rd huge-ish glass of wine.

At any rate, he clarifies that it’s hard because “these li’l girls ain’t got no booties an’ no breasts.” I would argue that their normal rail thin models don’t have no booties or no breasts either, so it’s really not that much of a switch.

Jesse LeNoir is making a schoolgirl/ Madeline inspired design. I love, love, LOVE the Madeline books, but seeing Jesse LeNoir and schoolgirl in the same sentence just looks like the beginnings of a Comcast description of porn.

Mood! Oooh, a puppy! Is this the one named Scraps, or is that the L.A. Mood puppy? Anyway, they dash about looking for their fabrics. Seth Aaron is making a vest/hoodie out of houndstooth. Amy worries that pink might be cliché for a little girl. One minute! Tim looks skeptically at the dog. Seth Aaron finally finds his houndstooth, and falls to the floor in relief. Thank you, Mood!

Workroom! Jay interviews that “children nowadays are very fashion forward, especially when you’re .” Ok, that’s awkwardly phrased, because it makes it sound like 7 year olds and 9 year olds are somehow less fashion forward than 8 year olds.

Jonathan is making a dress under a short bolero jacket. He thinks Kors will like it. Then he does a pretty good Kors imitation: “she looks like a 7 year old waitress from Benihana.”

Mila is making a colorblocked A-Line dress. Emilio dryly says “colorblocked. Imagine that.”

Mila interviews about how she’s getting along better since she’s learned to take everyone’s mockery in stride. Then in “real time,” she makes a joke about getting a little color blocking in your life to show how well she’s taking it.

Janeane interviews that her outfit is inspired by a butterfly costume her sister had.

Looking at Seth Aaron’s outfit, someone says “your model is going to be a bad ass.” Emilio adds “your model’s going to beat up my model on the runway.”

Mila wonders why they haven’t seen Tim yet, and speculates that there might be a twist. Well, duh, Mila.

We then start speculating about what the twist could be. “Designing for their moms,” someone says. “Or their dogs.” “Or their dolls.” Ok, call me ridiculous, but I think if they could do an American Girl tie-in challenge, it would be pretty awesome. “Or all three.” Oooh! Now I really want to see a mother/daughter/dog/doll challenge. Commercial!

Back! It’s the next morning in the Atlas Apartments. Emilio is worried. Janeane is worried and calling her husband, whose name is Jordan. At this point, we know she’s gone, not just because she’s fulfilled the reality show stereotype of calling a loved one, but because she’s destroyed her Victorian spinster reputation.

Tim Gunn entered. As Mila anticipated, he has a surprise for them. Their looks will not be walking the runway today – they’ll go tomorrow . .. with a corresponding adult look for their model.

Wah-Wah.

So they have to reinterpret their child’s look for their model. They’ll have 15 minutes to sketchand then a $100 budget at Mood.

Emilio struggles with how to reconceive a dress for a 5 year old to work on his 6’ tall model. Jonathan feels like he can do a sexy, high fashion thing for his model.

Mood! Hi, puppy! They have 20 minutes. Jay says he feels like a “companion piece” should be from the same show. Jesse LeNoir picks up a cute black and white paisley print. He’s suddenly wearing glasses like Jonathan’s and an untied bowtie. He’s pretty hot in this episode. Time! Thank you, Mood! Thanks, puppy!

Workroom! Jesse feels like it’s hard to make his model look as strong after putting so much into the first outfit.

Then there’s a long segment where Anthony talks a lot, and Everyone else glares at him while he’s talking, and starts taking bets on how long he could go without saying anything. Showing that he’s a good sport, he puts a bandit mask over his mouth and plays along.

5 minutes go by, and Emilio tapes a pair of red lips onto the mask. As more time passes, people add things to the lips – like a tape tongue and so forth. Ultimately, he makes it 14 minutes and 56 seconds.

Tim thru! He loves Jonathan’s child outfit, but tells Janeane that she’s “really rocking Halloween here.” Amy is telling the petal shape from her little girl look and turning it into pants. Tim Gunn warns her that it could be “clown clothes,” but says that’s better than playing it safe.

He’s really excited about Seth Aaron’s look. Me too – the kid outfit is adorable, and the model look involves this beautiful, intricate jacket that he’s woven to echo the houndstooth pattern in the little girl’s hoodie.

Tim Gunn leaves, telling them that he’s “profoundly wowed” with their work. “Turn “wowed” upside down and it’s “momed,” one of the gays points out wisely.
(ok, it seemed wise at the time. And yes, I realize that it’s more like “momep” with a backwards “ep,” but whatever).

The models and kids come in for their fitting. The little girls are so excited and have so much fun running around the room. Anthony asks them “where y’all mamas?’

2 hours left! Amy is still cutting petals. Emilio is very concerned about the challenge. Janeane feels like she’ll at least be safe. Commercial!

Day of show! Janeanne says she doesn’t have much time. Amy feels like her design will either be in the top 3 or the bottom 3. Jesse LeNoir interviews that “Amy’s pants are really designed.”

Tim enters and does his product placement thing, and tells them they have an hour. The kids and models arrive, and Jonathan says that the “workroom is like a romper room on crack.”

Anthony admits that he’s “not ‘customed to dealin’ with so many li’l children.” “Do y’all have an off switch?” he asks one little girl. “What’s an off switch?” she retorts. Hee.

Jesse LeNoir thinks Janeanne will have trouble because her look is “not as designed.” Ok, this is apparently Jesse LeNoir’s only critique – things are either too designed or not designed enough.
Jonathan says that it’s been his strategy to coast until about the halfway point, and then start wowing the judges. Hm.

Tim enters and tells the “designers, models, and young lady models” that they have 10 minutes.
Emilio says he’s only 75% confident, and thinks that “some looks are overdesigned.” Augh. Commercial.

Back! Runway! Heidi reminds them what the prizes are, what the challenge was, and tells them that the judges are Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and Tory Burch.

I have mixed feelings about Tory Burch. On the one hand, I blame her for tunics. On the other hand, I have a Tory Burch sheath dress that I look pretty damn fantastic in. So. . .

Anyway. Runway show. Anthony’s outfits are a coral/red cocktail dress and a cute little pink and white dress for his little girl. Amy’s . . .at first I think her mom outfit is a dress, and I like it, but then I realize it’s pants and I’m horrified. Her kid’s look is just meh. Ben has made a boring lavender dress for his little girl and a boring purple top and khaki skirt for the model.

Seth Aaron’s model is in pants and the amazing jacket I mentioned earlier, and his little girl is adorable and kind of edgy. Jesse LeNoir’s I just have a giant heart next to. I love the ‘40’s aesthetic on the model, and the little girl’s coat is AMAZING. I’m just so super in love with it – I kind of want to go out and have a kid just so I can dress us like that. If it’s a little girl, we’ll look fantastic. If it’s a little boy, people will someday look back at pictures of it and say “that explains a lot.”

Jonathan’s little girl looks like a lemon, which seems appropriate since his model looks like a big tower of meringue. Maya’s little girl is in a cute slicker, and the mom is in a really poorly cut jacket based on that slicker. Also, she’s made some atrocious green pants. Mila’s is fine, but very ordinary – the sort of outfits you’d see any mom and daughter wearing while shopping in any well off suburb in America. Emilio’s pair come out, and I say “they look like Joan Crawford and a flower girl.” “Joan Crawford and a flower girl she’ll beat” someone adds. “Well, that goes without saying,” I reply. Except for the color, I kind of like Emilio’s mom dress, but me wanting to dress like Mildred Pierce shouldn’t be news to anyone.

(Sidebar: can I tell you how full of trepidation I am about this Kate Winslet Mildred Pierce remake? If it’s a new script that’s closer to the novel, then I’m all in favor of it. If they’re actually remaking the Crawford film, then Kate Winslet should just run, and run far, and run fast, because she’ll never live up)

Janeane’s is a cute but ordinary little red sundress with leggings for the girl, and a matching outfit for the mom with a fun jacket. Jay has designed an outfit in which any adorable tyke can be escorted around town by her hooker mother. As with Maya, the pants don’t seem to fit correctly—the top would be cute if you weren’t so distracted by the fact that there’s like nine feet of midriff between the top of the pants and the bottom of the top.

Heidi calls out Jay, Amy, Jonathan, Seth Aaron, Jesse , and Janeane. They have the highest and lowest scores. She then tells Jonathan, Amy, and Janeane that they have the lowest scores.


They send them away while they talk to the high scoreres. Jesse LeNoir explains that he started with the idea of the big red coat, and then went with an off-center version of a classic a-line dress. Heidi says she would’ve preferred less asymmetry, but Kors tells him it’s a job well done. Tory Burch likes the colors, and Ava, the little girl, says she likes it a lot. Nina finishes up by saying that the mom is also “pretty good.”

Seth Aaron says his look was about “comfort and flair.” Sydney, his little girl, really likes the purse. Kors says both looks are very strong, and the jacket is well tailored. Tory Burch says it’s something a little girl would dream of wearing.

Moving to Jay, Heidi says that a lot of design and thought went into it. Kors says it’s very chic, and Nina says they make a striking pair. A striking pair of whores, maybe.

They send the high scorers away and bring out the losers. Janeane says she wanted to make something comfortable and active. Nina isn’t sure she likes the plainness of the little girl’s dress. Heidi thinks it’s too simple and looks like a cheap mall outfit. Then she reassures the little girl that it’s nothing to do with her. This is necessary so the little girl doesn’t someday sue Lifetime because she has recurring nightmares in which a giant Teutonic woman eats her head. Anyway, Kors tells her that the mom’s jacket looks like a Home-Ec project.

Jonathan says he wanted to design a little girl’s dress with an edge. Heidi says it looks uncomfortable, and the little girl – Fabianna – says it is. Damn, Fabianna, way to sell a brother out. Nina says it’s too sophisticated and conceptual for a little girl. Kors says that the model “literally looks like she got caught in a tornado of toilet paper.”

Finally, to Amy, Kors tells her that Kaitlin, her little girl, looks like the house was on fire and she put on every piece of clothes she owned. He also calls the petal pants a “trainwreck.” Nina agrees that they’re “circus like.” Heidi asks Kaitlin if she likes her outfit, and Kaitlin says she “trusts Amy’s fashion sense.” ADORABLE. And way to go, Kaitlin. THAT’s what a model’s supposed to do, Fabianna.

Tory Burch says she can’t see the color combination. At that, I exclaim “are you fucking kidding me?” because unless the colors are reading really differently on TV, I’ve seen Tory Burch dresses in that exact combination of colors. And even if it’s NOT blatant hypocrisy, it’s just odd. You can’t see coral and turquoise? Really? REALLY?

The judges send the losers away and discuss. Beginning with Jesse, Nina liked that he did something traditional, but with humor. Heidi liked the hair accessory, and Kors points out that he made a tailored wool coat in less than 24 hours.

Moving to Seth Aaron, Kors says the mom’s look is sophisticated and edgy, but the child’s has whimsy. Nina says any child would be “like mommy, buy that for me.”

Of Jay, Kors says . . . I don’t know. I couldn’t stand to pay too much attention because I couldn’t believe those outfits were in the top 3, and my notes look something like "pieces greetor aun."

For the bottom, Kors says of Amy’s that “different is nice, but it isn’t pretty.” He thinks Janenane’s looks like stuff bought on markdown, and calls Jonathan’s the “conceptual toilet paper twins.” Commercial.

Back! Jesse is in. Seth Aaron. . .is the winner! Yay! He says that his daughter will be so happy, and that he’s glad the judges “got it.

Jay is in. Jonathan is in.

So it’s down to Amy and Janeane. Amy’s color palette was bizarre; it looked like her child dressed in the dark, and the adult look was clownish. Janeane’s look was just boring.

Clownish triumphs boring, though, so Amy is in. She starts to leave the runway, then dashes back to hug Janeane.

So that means Janeane is out. She says that the judges absolutely hated her outfit, but she’s not going to stop designing because Heidi Klum said she wouldn’t wear anything she made.

Next time! 10 left! A hardware store! Elizabethan mini! What happened? Cheese fest!

My new favorite thing about this winter. . .

. . . is how freaking over it everyone is. Even babies.

I got off the train this morning, weary from insomnia, pissed off that my power has gone out twice in the last twenty-four hours, and sick of planning my wardrobe around things that a) won't drag in mounded snow or salt, and b) don't clash with my giant red plastic snow boots (so whimsical when you only wear them twice a year. . . such a pain when you wear them for two weeks solid).

And I'm sure I had the grumpiest look in the world on my face as I came up the escalator and saw the world's cutest baby, bundled to the gills and chillaxing in his stroller as his mom refilled her SmartTrip card.

And I felt my face shifting out of "Grrrr, fucking winter" toward "aw, a baby," when I realized that the baby's expression was not one of "whee! snow!" or "augh, scary looking angry lady!" but one of weary resignation.

If babies could talk, this one would've been saying "I hear you, sister."

Project Runway: Cover Up

Ador’ble Anna’s
Deplorable vest outfit
Sends her swiftly home

So, my beauties, this morning I have to go to back to work for the first time in a week. I have mixed feelings about this—I actually would’ve felt great about it when I hit peak crazy time on Wednesday, but then Thursday I kind of got back into the sitting on my ass/midday drinking thing, and now I’m not so much into it.

Monday’s Presidents’ Day, though, so at least this is a very, very temporary situation. Anyway. Enough self pity. Instead, let’s pause for a moment to feel bad for poor little adorable Anna, who is no longer with us (on Project Runway).

It’s not terribly surprising, is it poppins? I mean, she never showed a great deal of talent; there didn’t seem to be anything particularly cutting edge about her designs, and while I found her thoroughly adorable, she didn’t show a lot in terms of a distinctive personality. And the crowd of “20 something white chicks” was already pretty glutted, and Anna didn’t have Janeane’s crying or Maya’s “alternative look” thing or Jesse LeNoir’s porn name or Amy’s actual talent to make her stand out.

And in the meantime, let’s take a moment to be happy for Tyler Perry as Anthony for winning! It’s not the choice I would’ve made in fashion terms, but he’s growing on me so much that I can’t not feel happy for him.

Let’s get to the show!

Morning/New York/Atlas Apartments. A shirtless Keith Richards/Seth Aaron makes coffee. Tyler Perry as Anthony in I Can Do Plaid All By Myself says “get up Jay, It’s time for Bible Study” and hits him with the Bible. Anthony reflects that it was nice not to be in the bottom last week, but he knows the only place to go from there is up.

In the girls’ apartment, Adorable Anna says that being in the bottom sucked, but amazing things are coming. Mila finds it “disturbing and disheartening” that no one congratulated her the previous night when she came in gloating about having been in the top two. She credits this to jealousy. That or they just didn't think your shitty superhero formalwear gown didn't belong anywhere near the top group. Think that could be it? Maybe? Yeah, me too.

Runway! Fat Pregnant Heidi comes out in a completely unsuitable mini dress and chirps “hallo” at them. She tells them their next challenge is to design a look that’s “picture perfect,” and sends them off to meet Tim. Didn’t Heidi used to do more in this part of the episode? I don’t just mean the whole model draw thing – didn’t she used to actually tell them what their challenge was instead of just giving them some sort of “mysterious” hint about it? I miss that. It made it seem like she had a reason for existing beyond saying “hallo!” and popping out litter after litter of Seal pups.

Anyway, they go to the Hearst building and meet Tim. He introduces Joanna Coles, Editor in Chief of Marie Claire. As the Lifetime seasons wear on, I become increasingly irritated with how they all pronounce it “Mary Clare” rather than Marie Claire. Ah well. Tim wants them to know that this is one of the biggest challenges in the history of Project Runway, and the reward is unprecedented.

So the challenge is to design an outfit to be worn by a celeb on the cover of Marie Claire.
They’re all super psyched, naturally. The winning look will be on the April cover of Marie Claire.

Joanna Coles gives them her rules for designing for a cover: 1) think about the crop. The outfit will only be seen from the thigh or waist upward, so any detail should be in the top. 2) Think about a color that will go with cover lines –avoid black and prints. 3) Think about April. 4) Think about something that will catch the reader’s eye and convince them to buy within 3 seconds.

Oh, and also, the celebrity wearing the look will be. . .Heidi.

Barf. I realize they’re all going to act like this is some huge honor, but to me all it says is that this show has gotten so piss poor that they couldn’t get any other celebrities to agree to war anything these people produced.

The designers are all excited about this, though, or do a plausible job pretending to be. Janeane/Liz Lemon gushes about how they get “one of the best supermodels in the world” to wear their dress if they win. Yeah, you’d think it would be more exciting if it was a supermodel who’s actual modeling career wasn’t completely over, but whatever. Fine.

Back at Parsons, the designers have 30 minutes to sketch. They have one day for this challenge, because god forbid Lifetime have them do anything other than a one day “make a pretty dress” challenge, at all, in any season, ever.

Sketch flurry. Anna is using an icy palette. Anthony is going for ‘short but not slutty.” Ben wants to design things that will make the reader “want to see more.”

Mood! They have $150 and 30 minutes. Fabric flurry! At this point I get distracted by what the designers are wearing and don’t pay attention to their fabric choices. Jesse is wearing really poorly fitting "jorts" and a puke green tee shirt. Also Janeane seems to be wearing the same top Mila had on earlier in the episode. Time! Thank you, Mood!

Workroom! They have until midnight and then a little time the next morning. Oh my god, Mila and Janeane are actually wearing the same top, aren’t they (note: Lifetime had NO useable pictures of Mila in that top, so I can’t prove this to you)?

The designers work in relative silence for once, or maybe it just seems that way because Lifetime isn’t playing the ubiquitous rushing about/dance mix music in the background for once. Seth Aaron threatens to go to sleep if it remains that quiet, and then starts thinking. Jay says that Seth Aaron is immature. I am still mesmerized by this whole same top situation. Seth Aaron is now doing a “when you’re a Jet” dance across the workroom. Anthony asks him “did you smoke anything besides a cigarette when you went outside?” Hee.

Ben is worrying about his color choices. Ok, Mila and Janenane’s shirts aren’t the same, they’re just very similar --sleeveless white numbers with big graphic yellow and black spots. Mila ponders that Anna and Anthony are using very similar bright turquoises – but they’re really not. Anthony’s is true turquoise; Anna’s is a pale ice blue. Janeane worries that her look is too bridal. Speaking of bridal. . . you and that other lady are wearing the same shirt, almost. Is that embarrassing for you? Commercial!

Back! 6 hours to end of day. Anna and Jonathan discuss their looks. Jonathan is making a space suit. Ok, that has vomit written all over it. Mila congratulates herself on getting better at dealing with time constraints with every challenge. Janeane feels dread “boiling up in her stomach.” She also has a very Emily Dickenson hairstyle going on in her interviews – pulled back with a severe center part. And it doesn’t help that she just has that kind of. . .long nosed, somber eyed Victorian spinster face (and nothing against that – if I didn’t have a fat nose and impish eyes, I’d have the same sort of face myself).

Anna worries about her construction.

Mila then interviews about how no one is really competition for her. I like her less and less by the moment.

Tim thru. He starts by helpfully telling them they sound worn out.

Then he makes his rounds. Anthony doesn’t completely know what his dress is going to look like. Tim is worried and doesn’t want him to “gimmick it up.”

He notes that Mila is using her “signature” color blocking. Janeane tells him that she wants her dress to look like waves. He asks if the “spewing out factor” is really her, and worries about it looking like clown clothes. Yikes.

Ben’s concept is “Mme Butterfly on acid.” Ok, that’s either going to be awesome or ridiculously bad. Tim fears the leather belt he’s planning “could potentially cheapen it and make it into a joke.”

Anna is making shorts. Shorts. He tells her not to lose her editing eye. Emilio is making a short little cocktail dress with ombre lacing. Tim worries that no one will notice the ombre lacing because it's essentially he same color as the dress.

Tim leaves them “reluctantly” for the night and sends in their models for the fitting. Anna is horrified by how off she was on the shorts and begins to freak out. Emilio thinks Anna needs to pay attention to the hem and the fit of her garment.

Sewing room. Mila cockily enters and announces to no one in particular that “no one dared go near my machine.” Jay says she’s fake and insincere. Emilio says she comes off as being very cocky when all she’s doing is color blocking in every challenge, and calls her a “one note wonder.” Yay. It’s nice when they all hate the same people I do.

One hour left. Anthony is concerned about his look and wishes for more time.

11:50. Janeane’s in shock and has a serious freakout. Emilio knows he’s made a huge mistake because the dress looks too short on the form. Anna is working as fast as possible. Commercial!
Why do they show the SAME Models of the Runway ad on every commercial break? I understand wanting to plug it, tie in purposes, etc. etc.. . .but why the same ad during every break? Is this the only commercial they have? They couldn’t cut a second one? They could at least switch it up every once in awhile and use an episode specific one, right? No? Sigh.

Back! Day of Runway show! In the apartments, Emilio predicts a “bloodbath on the runway.” Maya predicts that she and Mila will be in the top three again. Janeane tells Anna that she has a hunch their time is running out and it’ll come down to the two of them. Wow, she has spooky Victorian spinster powers of precognition, doesn't she? She's like the Fox sisters rolled into one.

Workroom! Anna worries about finishing her shorts, and is in a mode of hysteria. Mila feels like she’s pretty much on target, and Heidi will look amazing in her dress.

Tim appears and reminds them that this is THE BIGGEST challenge in the history of Project Runway. Hm, earlier it was “one of” the biggest, now it’s THE biggest. The challenge grew in the course of an hour. They have an hour for ridiculous product placement with their models.

Janeane can’t find a jacket. Jay interviews that everyone wants to win this challenge badly. Sigh. I hate him for forcing me to revisit the whole “overstating the obvious” thing.

Ten minutes! Maya says her dress came out as she envisioned, though she might want more volume in the neckline. Emilio thinks everyone’s muted colors won’t resonate. Janeane continues to freak out with her Victorian spinster hairdo in the interview. Anthony is happy about his dress. Ben thinks his whole look ties together, and thinks this might be his moment.

Tim comes and gathers them up to go down to the runway. Commercial!

Ulch, the more ads I see for Tim Burton’s crapfest desecration of Alice in Wonderland, the shittier it looks.

Back! Heidi enters and reminds them all that they could win some prizes, and that in this challenge they’ve had the privilege of designing for her. Then she does a pregnant shimmy. It’s terrifying. The judges are Kors, Nina, and Joanna Coles.

Runway. Amy’s dress is a patterned, ripped looking thing. I rather like it as a dress, but it’s entirely unsuitable for a cover in the mode Joanna Coles described to them (I’m qualifying the hell out of this because I can easily see it on the cover of a magazine, but it doesn’t have that pared down/monochromatic/slightly low budge look Marie Claire seems to go with). Seth Aaron has made a silver Judy Jetson business suit. Jesse LeNoir’s dress is a dark blue or black hooker dress with what initially looks like a tuxedo ruffled front, but turns out to be some sort of quilting/scaled pattern. I don’t like it at all, but it clearly involves more skill than I’ve previously credited him with to achieve this effect.

Anna’s outfit is an ice blue tank top with a silver vest and black shorts. It’s less awful than I expected when she was talking about shorts earlier. Anthony’s is an electric turquoise dress with a diagonal jagged ruffle. I’m not crazy about it, but it really commands the eye.

Janeane has made an ivory dress with a kind of silvery vest. It’s like a sad bridal gown with a bolero. Mila’s is a nude and silver cocktail dress. It’s very blah, and very “Southwestern,” in the late ‘80’s/early ‘90’s peach/silver/mint green home décor sense of the word.


Emilio’ is a distractingly short pink cocktail dress with detailing. Jay has made an off white “mullet” dress—it’s short in the front and long in the back. Jonathan has made what I can only describe as a space whores of the 25th century romper. Seriously, it’s what the girls Kirk hooked up with would’ve worn in the original Star Trek series. Maya has made a boring grey dress with peach ruffle at the neck.

God, this is all awful. Very few of these outfits would even attract a second glance on a subway, much less cause me to drop a couple bucks on a downmarket Cosmo rip off magazine.


Then Ben’s model comes out wearing turquoise dress with bright yellow front and giant leather belt. It is nothing I’d ever wear, but it is amazing and attention getting and I HEART it.

Heidi calls out Seth Aaron, Jay, Maya, Jesse, Jonathan andAmy – they are safe. So we’re left with Ben, Anthony, Mila, Janeane, Anna, and Emilio.

They start the questioning with Ben. Kors tells him that “a newsstand is a noisy place; this cuts through the noise.” Nina likes the combination of colors. Heidi thinks the back is beautiful and that the dress has impact. Joanna thinks it’s a contender.

Anna says she wanted to reference Marie Claire readers as hip, modern, and feminine. Nina says it gives the model no shape. Joanna calls the three piece look “three ingredients in a dish that leaves you feeling slightly nauseous.” Kors thinks she missed the reader of Marie Claire, and Heidi thinks she didn’t push the envelope.

Anthony blows a lot of smoke up Heidi’s ass about how awesome she is and how she’s his inspiration. Bitch, please (just kidding. I love you). Kors says he’s entered modern times, and that the dress is modern and he’s done “one shoulde”r in a new way. Nina likes it very much. “Jee-zus,” says Anthony. Joanna says the color is fantastic and Heidi finds the diagonal thing slimming.

Janeane was inspired by the ocean and the color of the sea. Kors spouts something like “seaweed organza. . .9000 themes. . .and then I’m gonna lay whatever their cover lines are on top of it.” Joanna doesn’t get the sea reference “unless it’s a polluted sea with plastic bottles in it.” Ulch, I hate it when the guest judge makes those awful trying-to-hard faux clever catty remarks. Nina says it’s too sweet and that she doesn’t necessarily see Heidi as sweet. HA.

Moving on to Mila Kors tells her that the “peach comes off like an ace bandage,” and that “once you crop her she’s literally in some sort of weird jog bra with a v neck.” Nina hates the arrows pointing at her crotch. Heh. I'm so glad she's getting some comeuppance -- they've basically drooled over everything she's made so far, so it's nice to see them not falling for the same trick every time.

Emilio wanted a sexy, strong color and detail from the waist up. Kors credits him for making jersey structured. Joanna thinks you could get a really strong cover with it. Nina loves the color and thinks the detail is beautiful but “junior.” To fix this, Kors has him cut the straps off right there on the runway and take the model’s hair down.

Heidi sends them off the runway. Deliberation.

Starting with the bottom, Nina thinks Janeane’s design was “weird,” while Joanna found it whimsical and mermaid. Nina thought Anna’s look was “nothing special,” but gives her credit for the construction of the shorts. Joanna thinks Mila’s “dress [was] the color of hospital food.”

With the top group, Heidi thought there were a lot of things about Emilio’s that were good, but it had to be redesigned. Joanna liked that he had scissors with him and was willing to edit on the spot like a cover designer should.

Heidi thought Ben’s was a “very modern very chic dress.” Kors agrees that it would be “eyecatching on a news stand.”

Nina says Anthony thought about Heidi’s coloring and figure, and Kors says that the strap gives dimension and texture to the dress even above the crop. Commercial!

Oh my god, a different Models of the Runway commercial. I’m relieved.

Back! Heidi reminds them that this is ONE OF the biggest rewards in Project Runway history (ah, so we’ve shrunk again. What with the growing and shrinking and growing and shrinking, this challenge is more like Alice in Wonderland than anything in Tim Burton's awful looking movie), and because of that, there’s no immunity.

Anthony. . . .IS THE WINNER. Ok, I think Ben’s DRESS should’ve won, but I’m thrilled for Anthony the person. Yay!!!!

He goes into the lounge and everyone is so excited for him. Suck THAT, Mila. He thinks this shows the judges that he takes their critiques to heart.

Ben is in. Emilio is in. Mila is in. Poop.

So it’s down to Janeane and Anna. Just as Janeane foresaw.

Janeane’s inspiration was interesting, but the look didn’t live up to it. Anna’s vest and shorts were forgettable, and wouldn’t stand out on a newsstand.

Anna.. . .is out. BOOOO. So we’re stuck with the long lost fourth Bronte sister and her crying, which she does now, on the runway. Of course. Bleah.

Anna the Adorable is sad that she’s been eliminated, but proud of herself, and says the experience has been amazing. Tim tells her to feel SO PROUD of what she’s achieved here. She says this has made her more confident as a designer.

Next: Children. Oh crap. The workroom is like romper room on crack. A cheap mall outfit. A trainwreck!

Snow, Hot Damn.

Hello, darlings.

As I continue to “work from home” (aka drink my lunch and watch CSI/Law &Order marathons while poking vaguely at my work e-mails) because of our nation’s capitol’s a) historic snowfall, and b) complete lack of infrastructure prepared to deal with any snowfall, much less the historic sort, I thought I’d update you on what’s going on out here on Hoth. . .or DC, rather.

Unfortunately, as I sat down to write about that, here’s what came out:

TRAPPED IN BASEMENT APARTMENT BY HISTORIC SNOWFALL. SLOWLY GOING BATSHIT EFFING CRAZY. PLEASE SEND HELP AND/OR GOOD BOURBON.

Hm.

So I thought I’d give you an idea of some of the things I’ve done to cope, just in case any of you are getting a little house mad too:

1. Invented a delicious new cocoa drink that I call “The Snowtorious B.I.G.” Basically, you make Hershey’s hot cocoa by the package instructions, but add a dash of orange extract or orange zest, and three healthy glugs of Maker’s Mark.

2. Watched a lot of movies I’ve DVRed from TCM over the past few months. Among them: The Blue Dahlia, The Blue Gardenia, The Rockingham Tea Set, and Les Diaboliques. The last of these freaked my crap out in a big way.

3. Realized why Miata ownership is less than practical outside of Arizona.
That snow heap between the visible car and the tail light of the car in front? Yeah, that's my car. Oh, sad little car. When will I see your beautiful face again?

4. Realized that I hate, hate, HATE Olivia Benson.

5. Someone got to this blog by googling “why isn’t the February issue of Semi-Homemade magazine out yet?”

And I thought “good question, googler!” It was one thing that I hadn’t gotten one yet, even though I’d signed up for a seven issue subscription, and had only gotten six, and the December/January issue had arrived before Thanksgiving. But I wasn’t seeing them anywhere. All the grocery stores and Borders I frequent were still showing the December/January issue too.

(And this was looooong before we got buried under eleventy million feet of snow, which would reasonably slow delivery of magazines and things, so she can’t use that as an excuse)

So on Sunday, the early throes of house-mad boredom complicated by a half bottle of Pinot Evil, I tweeted her asking when the next issue would be out.

Did she respond? Oh no. Here are her most recent tweets:



And the December/January issue is still featured on the website. I smell a rat, kiddies. I think the thing has gone belly up and there’s some sort of colossal cover-up. I want answers, Lee!

6. Marveled at how my local grocery store has managed to stay stocked on everything except onions, garlic, and refrigerated juices.

7. Managed, miraculously, to maintain my year long moratorium against soaps. . . so far.

8. Got excited about the new season of Top Chef, Masters. Then had conflicting feelings about some of last year’s contestants being allowed to come back for a second shot. Then had the strong suspicion that Gail Simmons being a permanent judge would lead to an outright walk-in for Wylie Dufresne.

9. Made a goat cheese and bacon jam quesadilla. Sadly, it’s one of those cases of two great tastes which are not so great together.

10. Gotten really, really good at “Smash-em.”

11. Dominated a friend in several games of facebook Scrabble.

12. Spent so many days hanging out in warm pajamas that I am about to start a full load of laundry comprised entirely of flannel pants.

13. Gotten way, way too invested in The Bachelor. If he chooses that hosebeast Vienna, I will throw up.

14. Seen the commercial for Taco Bell’s “Five Buck Box” so many times that now I really, REALLY want to eat one.

15. Made you all a little movie of what things look like outside RIGHT NOW to explain why I’m not walking half a mile downhill to the nearest Taco Bell (actually a combination KFC and Taco Bell) to acquire said Five Buck Box:

Please ignore my unforgivable accent.

Project Runway: Rock Me, Sexy Jesus

Mexican Elvis
Has left the building after
Making tacky crap.

Hello, poppets! What are all of you up to this morning? That’s nice. Do you know where I am? Snug in my bed, under the down comforter, waiting for our promised 2+ feet of snow to start snowing down on us.

You see, because DCitizens react to more than 3 flakes of snow by screaming “aaaaaaaaaaaaahhghghghghhhhh, SNOWPOCALYPSE!” and running to the grocery store to buy all the bread, milk, and booze they can lay hands on, the news that we were expecting in the neighborhood of 2 feet this weekend caused my employers to take the not-at-all reactionary step of cancelling work for all “non-essential” employees. And I am nothing if not non-essential, my dears.

So today is all about flannel pajama pants, and homemade soup, and cleaning out the DVR.

Oh, and writing up Project Runway for you types, even if I am doing it a few hours later than normal. Of course, I wouldn’t think of skipping that, even though last night’s episode was. . .a little bit of a snoozer, frankly.

I mean, naturally, I had all my usual problems with the “real women” challenge they like to slip in once a season. And naturally, I’m more than pissed off that this is YET ANOTHER “make a pretty dress” challenge, even if they had to make a pretty RED dress using soup branded fabrics.

But beyond that . . . I’m happy for the winner; I’m happy Jesus/Mexican Elvis/”Jesus” is gone; there was no real drama. What else can one say?

Let’s find out for the next six or seven pages, shall we?

Morning! Atlas Apartments! Adorable Anna mourns Ping’s empty bed and bonds with her remaining roomie, Janeane/Liz Lemon, but says it’s hard to really bond because it’s a competition.

In the guys’ apartment, Jesus/Mexican Elvis/”Jesus” talks about how he’s really, really excited to still be in the competition, and he thinks he is showing the judges he’s capable of amazing stuff. At this point, we all immediately call the fact that Jesus is going home, which kind of gives the rest of the episode a feeling of anti-climax. We also decide that he looks like a Chihuahua.

Specifically, a cartoon and/or dashboard Chihuahua.




I know that sounds racist, but honestly? Tell me he doesn’t look like a Chihuahua.



I could find out tomorrow that he was from Lapland, and I’d still think he looks like a Chihuahua.

Jonathan asks Jesse LeNoir if he’s excited to make a comeback from the bottom of the barrel. Jesse LeNoir snootily points out that it wasn’t his fault his team was in the bottom of the barrel.

In the other girl’s apartment, Mila and Maya are talking. Maya feels like Mila is “the older version of” her. I’m sure she means it as a compliment, but I would smack a bitch up for saying that.

Runway! Heidi comes out wearing an awful dress. I mean, the dress itself isn’t too bad, really, but it’s in swirls of black and tan/nude, and the tan/nude is so close to Heidi’s own leatherette skin color that there’s a disturbing nakedyness to the dress. It’s kind of distracting. Anyway, she tells them that they’ll be designing a look for a fashion week gala, and Tim will fill them in on the rest and introduce them to a group of inspiring women.

Tim time! He introduces Lisa Walker, VP of innovation for Campbell’s soup company. Campbell’s soup? Really, Project Runway? Really? One of the main reasons I went cold turkey on my soaps a year ago EXACTLY is that I couldn’t deal with all the heart health month/red dress product placement. I mean, seriously, ABC Daytime. When you have legendary soap actresses like Robin Strasser and Nancy Lee Grahn spouting dialogue about soup and spaghetti sauce, you are just asking for abandonment.

(The other reason I quit was because Tyler Christopher, aka Nikolas Cassadine, was getting so chunkdafied, and I couldn’t look any more. Also, he was in some tragically bad storyline about tractor parts. It had to end).

So what I’m saying to you, Lifetime, is that I’ve quit shows for bad product placement in the past. You are walking a fine line here.

Anyway, she tells them that as part of the Go Red For Women movement, they’ll be creating signature looks for the Ad-Dress Your Heart Gala. Tim reminds them that red should be the signature color, and Campbell’s branding must be present. Also, they’ll be designing for a very inspiring group of women.

So 13 women walk in, and they’ve all been impacted in some way by heart disease. Oh, great. How the fuck am I supposed to make fun of them now?

The winning design will be worn to the Ad-Dress Your Heart Gala, and the winning designer will accompany their muse to the event.

Amy talks in a completely stoned sounding monotone about how excited she is to be working with them, and how this is the one challenge short of the Final 3 that she’d like to win.

Tim adds that the winning design will also be produced and sold on ProjectRunway.com to benefit the American Heart Association. What in hell is ProjectRunway.com? Christ, is there another Project Runway site off of the main Lifetime site? It’s too much.

Mila interviews about how she’s excited about being able to work with a real woman. At this point, I scream “AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH,” because as I’ve mentioned in the past, I find the whole “real woman” thing fantastically offensive. Mila, you stupid, stupid cow. Your models are real women. I’m pretty sure that unless the world’s most convincing trannies have snuck into the competition, all the girls on Models of the Runway have vaginas and ovaries and all that all up in there. Just because some of them vomit up their dinner every night doesn’t make them imaginary or men.

So they have 30 minutes to confer with their new models and sketch. And the women all talk about their heart problems, some of which are really painful sounding. Jesse’s model’s heart just flat out stops periodically; the top of Ben’s model’s heart doesn’t “communicate” with the bottom;” Jay’s model died for 2 minutes. Jay cries because he’s so moved by her strength. She laughs and tells him to make her pretty because she survived.

And now I’m crying a little too. It’s like I said earlier – I just can’t say mean things about these women.

I will point out, though, that Ben looks like a grown up version of the kid that played Dewey on Malcolm in the Middle. So hopefully that cuts the saccharine of this episode a bit.

Jesus is excited to have his model, Tricia, because she’s so tiny. Not to be all Jordan the Broken Record, but that highlights the absolute unfairness of these “real women” challenges. I think I say this once a season, but if you’re going to throw in a curve in terms of who they’re designing for, at least throw them all the same curve. It’s not an even playing field when some of them are still designing for women who are essentially sample sizes while others have bigger ladies.

Anyway. Mila is talking about some sort of star cut out with her lady. Tyler Perry as Anthony in Tyler Perry's Fashion House of Payne and his model Tisha bond because his mother just had heart surgery, so he knows what it’s like to have someone with heart complications in your life. Tisha tells him “you use me as the model, but you use your mom as the inspiration.” Tyler Perry as Anthony cries. Tisha cries. So do I. Anthony says “ok, Tisha, I do not like tears, so clean ‘em up. We cannot be in here cryin’.”

Tim Gunn tells them to say farewell to their models. The designers head for MOOD! Where they have $100 budget. Bins of Campbell’s red fabric have been placed around the store, but they’re not limited to those fabrics.

Fabric flurry! Emilio is doing a cocktail dress. Tim worries that Jesse Le Noir’s fabric looks “awfully Valentine’s Day.” Janeane needs her boning.

I know just how she feels. Every girl needs a little boning now and again.

Time! Thank you, MOOD!

Back at Parsons, the designers set to work. Tim tells them they have until midnight tonight and a very little time tomorrow. Janeane frets that “these women are not 34-25-35.” Wait, what? Are those the new “ideal” measurements? What happened to “36-24-36? (only if she’s 5’3”).” Also, does anyone else find it disturbing that we’re shrinking the “ideal” measurement for boobs and ass, but raising it for the waist? Is a world of “skinny-fat” women with widening waists and itty bitty titties really the way we want to go, America?

So out of curiosity, I bust out my cheap ass IKEA tape measure to find out what kind of nightmare I’d be for these designers to work with. 30-27-36. Holy crap. No wonder bra shopping is a trainwreck and I can never find pants that fit. Oh well. At least Janeane isn’t being subjected to my irregular proportions and gargantuan ass and belly. She wouldn’t be able to cope.

Adorable Anna is tracing the Campbell’s logo onto red chiffon to make her design stand out a bit. Maya is working on a not too literal heart design for her dress. Seth Aaron snipes a bit about how it’s easy to cut for a size 4 or 6 model, but this is the “largest” challenge he’s ever faced.

Firstable, Seth Aaron, who you think you’re foolin’ telling us those models are a size 4 or 6? Please. They’re a 4 or 6 like I’m a 14 or 16. Second, quit your freaking bellyachin’.

We are spared more bellyachin’ as we cut to commercial.

Back! Jonathan rehashes that the challenges are a) designing for real women (AUGH); b) using the red; c) using the Campbell’s branding. “Three very hard things to do,” he assures us.

I then insist that everyone pause the TV while I go into the other room and smack my head slowly against a wall.

The models return for a fitting. Stephanie seems to like hers, and Anna says that one of her primary goals “is to create an empowering experience for Stephanie.” Tricia tells Jesus “your Mami will be proud.” Jesus says “she WILL be proud.” It’s nice to have confidence, Jesus.

Seth Aaron’s model “sweet, sweet Rose” starts trying to take the REINS and talks Seth Aaron around to doing something Grecian. Janeane interviews that she’s inspired by Beth’s personality. “As opposed to working with a regular model, who has no personality,” someone in the living room snarks.

Emilio talks about how it’s amazing that these women are all happy and smiling, and that it brings it home that “there’s greater things in the world than just winning a challenge.”

4 hours! Fashion flurry! Janeane somehow dips her dress in a bucket of water, which raises the question. . . what in hell is a bucket of water doing in a fashion workroom?

Tim thru! He starts with Jesse LeNoir, who is trying to slim and heighten his model, and doing a jacket. Tim says that without the jacket, it’s not much of a look.

Anna shows him her Campbell’s stenciled fabric. He likes it. He also likes Mila’s star designs. She admits that her model is “a really tough fit,” and Tim says he’s “glad we have an opportunity to work with real women” because there’s a lesson in it.

I return to the other room and beat my head against a wall for another twenty minutes.

Tim tries not to laugh as Jesus explains how his Vegas Campbell's hooker dress is fitted and shows cleavage and is made of red satin, but doesn’t look cheap. Maya wants to make a Campbell’s logo cocktail purse, and he endorses that idea.

Amy wants to show her model’s scar as a representation of what she’s been through. Tim agrees, calling it a “badge of courage.”

Moving to Seth Aaron, he asks “when did you go Grecian on us?” Seth Aaron explains the Rose situation, and Tim reminds him that it’s most important to please the judges.

Tim takes his leave of them for the night. Two and a half hours left. Seth Aaron starts over so he can make something that represents himself, so he doesn’t “lose himself within the client.”

Emilio thinks Anna will have construction issues, and that Jay’s dress is a trainwreck. Maya wonders “how they expect them to make an evening gown in one day. Maya is one of those idiots who never watched the show before coming on, right? Commercial!

Back! Day of show! Atlas apartments. Tyler Perry as Anthony, wearing his terrible gold tuxedo shirt is telling the other boys “these women have been through enough. The last thing you want to put them through is ‘ma’am, not only did you survive heart disease, now you have to survive Nina and Michael Kors and Heidi Klum telling you how horrible I’ve made you look in this garment.’”

They all head out to the workroom. Fashion flurry! Amy says she still has to do 70% of the dress. Ben is worried for Seth because he changed his dress so late in the game. Seth Aaron is now taking the “retro Campbell’s soup approach.” I don’t know what that means. His dress is mm-mmm good? His dress is covered with those terrible little fat cheeked children?

Before you can put the dress on, you have to add three cans of water to it?

Jonathan then hilariously either interviews or tells Jesus to his face that Jesus’s look is “more of a cooter gown then a couture gown.” HA. (I hedge on when it happened because he’s standing right next to Jesus when you hear it, but I have a hard time imagining anyone having the steel plated huevos to say that right to someone, hysterical as it is).

Maya says it’s hard to make your red dress stand out in a sea of red dresses.

Tim comes in and gives them an hour for their blah blah product placement with their models.

The models enter. Anna feels rushed and is going to be working up to the last moment. Emilio interviews that Maya’s star dress “looks like a cheap flag at the Thanksgiving Day parade. It does have a. . . Macy’s mascot feel to it, with the red and the star and all. Janeane feels like Jesus should be worried about his dress since it “doesn’t read Gala,” because it’s so short and tight. You forgot shiny and cheap, Janeane.

Jonathan’s model loves her dress, and tells him that it almost makes having heart surgery worth it. Aw.

30 minutes. Final flurry. Jonathan says it’s a “fashion emergency of Chernobyl proportions,” and that everyone’s scrambling. Tim comes in and send the designers and guest models down to the runway. Commercial!

Back! Heidi enters, strikes a pose that displays her extremely pregnant belly, and reminds them that “there are 13 of you here, and tomorrow, there will be 12.” Good job, Heidi! Good math. She reminds them of the challenge and then introduces the judges: orange American designer, Michael Kors (“Hi guys”), figurehead editrix for Marie Claire Magazine (“Hello everyone”), and Marchesa designer/Mrs. Harvey Weinstein, Georgina Chapman.

Fashion show! Jonathan’s dress is a dark red evening gown – it’s gorgeous, but it’s not exactly in the Campbell’s color story. Emilio’s looks like a cute, flirty little thing at first, but it quickly becomes obvious that it makes his model look pregnant. Also, she looks a LOT like Beth Riesgraf from Leverage. Maya’s is a shiny red cocktail dress with a shiny bronze draping/sash creating the heart design.

My notes next to Anthony’s say “awful whore secretary/Jenny Juggs.” If any of you are still watching the agonizingly slow death of the once amusing Nip/Tuck, you’ll know what Jenny Juggs means. Those of you who’ve wisely spared yourself that agony can go here.

And it’s not that Tisha is freakishly huge in the boobular realm or anything, it’s just that Anthony makes her LOOK like she is. He’s taken a lady with generous bosoms, and designed a shirt that makes her look like she has sideshow titties.

Amy’s is a beautiful red goddess gown. Jesus’s is a whorey cocktail waitress dress with rhinestone straps. Also – and I can’t believe no one brought this up in judging – it ages his model horribly, as shiny, cheap, tacky ass dresses are wont to do.

Anna’s is a too-typical “bigger lady” dress—cut to look strapless with some not quite nude “illusion” fabric over the shoulders. This is made worse by the fact that she’s also done a racer back, and her model looks kind of clompy and awkward walking away.

Jay’s dress is a costume for an extremely low budge opera. Jesse LeNoir’s looks like a costume for an Andrews Sisters tribute concert with the jacket on, but it’s pretty cute when she takes it off. Ben has made a freaking gorgeous halter gown with an incredible back.

Mila’s still looks like the costume for the Macy’s mascot, or an evening gown for a superhero. Janeane’s is an ok tiered dress (which, of course, she cries describing), and Seth Aaron has made a very basic looking dress with a black skirt and a red top.

Heidi calls Mila, Maya, Anna, Amy, Jesse, and Jesus. Everyone else is safe.
Ok, give me a minute for my outrage: I cannot, cannot, CANNOT believe that Ben’s beautiful, intricate gown is “safe” while Mila’s superhero formalwear is in the top group. AUGGGGHHH.

The judges start with Mila, who explains the star icon. Georgina Chapman says the dress made her smile, but is still classic. Nina loves the incorporation of the branding.

Moving to Jesse Le Noir, he explains the need to “cinch the waist and fill the bust.” Heidi says the dress is sweet, but doesn’t stand out. Kors says it’s a little costumey “like a majorette, like maybe she should have a baton or something,” and Nina doesn’t like the Campbell’s branded corsage. Georgina questions the white belt at the waist, but Nina likes the neckline on the dress. Kors recommended a more mobile, less shiny fabric.

Jesus explains the “elegant” pleated logoing and his other choices. Heidi says “Michael, what do you think?” Kors makes an unspeakably beautiful face and says “where do I start? You basically took a checklist of everything that can turn tacky and put it into one garment.” Even Heidi isn’t sure about his taste. If Heidi Klum thinks you’re tacky, you’re in a world of hurt, boychick. And Nina wraps it up by telling him he shouldn’t have gone overboard with all these “very cliché items.”

Amy mentions wanting to show off her model’s scar. I should mention here that Amy is wearing a headband made of the Campbell’s branding fabric. It’s really cute. Nina thinks her dress is really beautiful, modern, and feminine. Kors loves the fact that it’s elegant, but modern.

Anna explains how she’s used the color to break up the dress. Nina likes the bottom, but thinks the racer back was a bad idea. Kors thinks it makes her look broad on top. Georgina thinks it doesn’t look like an evening dress.

Maya also talks about wanting to show her model’s scar. Heidi says ‘there’s something interesting in this dress. I feel like there’s a design there.” Nina likes the clutch, and Georgina thinks it’s flattering.

Heidi sends the designers out. Deliberation.

Heidi doesn’t understand Jesse’s short white jacket, but Nina likes the neckline on the dress itself, and says that from the waist up, the dress was very flattering. “Good bosoms,” Heidi agrees. People should use the word “bosoms” more often.

Moving to Jesus, Kors makes horrible tsk tsk noises and talks about how tacky the dress is. Heidi compliments his construction, but Michael reminds her that taste is something you just can’t learn. Heidi should know this, having largely failed to acquire taste herself in the many, many years she’s been in the fashion industry.

Of Anna, Kors describes her dress as “ a bag tied in the middle,” but Georgina understood where she was coming from.

With the top group, Nina liked Mila’s braded branding fabric and the star. Vomit. Heidi thinks Amy also did a really beautiful dress, and Kors agrees that the way she handled the fabrics was really great. He thinks it was the right silhouette for her client.

Georgina likes Maya’s dress, but wasn’t sure if she should like it, and thought it had a little more interest than others. Kors says it had thought, workmanship, and surprise. Nina says she didn’t really integrate the Campbell’s, but they all like the bag.

Commercial!

Back! One of them will be named the winner.. . .and one of them will be out.

Maya is in. Amy is. . .the winner! Yay! Her dress was elegant, moved beautifully, and made her client look happy and gorgeous. Amy says it feels great to “finally” win a challenge. Finally? I mean, I’m happy for her and all, but it’s four weeks in.

Mila is in. Jesse Le Noir is in.

So it’s down to Anna and Jesus. Jesus’s dress was trying to be too many things at once, and ended up looking tacky and cheap. Anna made serious misjudgements, and the dress was poorly made and unflattering.

But Anna is in. Yay! I would miss her adorableness.

So Jesus is out. He says he’s shocked that he’s been eliminated, this despite being in the bottom 3 out of 4 weeks.

Tim enters and says “aw, Jesus. You’re awfully good spirited!” and Jesus replies “I am!” Oh my god. It’s kind of endearing/socially tone deaf, and it calls back to the whole conversation earlier about his mother being proud. She will! I am! Whee!

Next time! One of the BIGGEST challenges in the history of PR with an unprecedented reward! Mode of hysteria! Clown clothes! That worries me! It leaves you feeling nauseous! And Janeane cries again, some more.