The Weekend Jordan ate Atlanta, part one: Woodfire Grill

When I realized I'd be going to a wedding in Atlanta in late March, the first thing I did was check the Braves schedule to see if they'd be back in town from Spring Training yet, and I could check another ballpark off my lifetime list.

Once I got over the disappointment at the fact that alas, it was not to be, the second thing I did was to e-mail the other people I knew who'd be going, and ask something along the lines of "who wants to watch me eat a great deal of food shortly before I try to strap myself into a vintage silk-chiffon cocktail dress?"

The reaction to that was more positive than you might expect. And so the third thing I did was to see if and when I could get a reservation at Woodfire Grill.

That's right, penguins. I ate at the home of the Mushroom Kingdom's own burly woodchopping tree dweller, Kevin.

I was super excited to eat at Kevin's restaurant because pork is both of our jams (which just makes me want to sing "oh hot damn, pork is our jam. . ." but I'll spare you), and because despite being apparently the only person in America who saw through the "Oh-em-GEE, Michael is TEH EVUL" nonsense and was super glad that he won, I liked Kevin. I liked his ideas about food -- all food, not just pork -- and I liked the way his dishes looked and sounded.

And after all the money I've thrown Spike's way, I like having the opportunity to support Cheftestants I didn't spend several months calling a variety of obscene and gynecologically oriented nicknames.

So we ate there on Thursday night, but the actual story of eating there starts on Wednesday morning. I was sitting in my office, and my cell phone rang. It was Woodfire Grill, confirming my reservation. "And does your party have any food restrictions?" the woman on the other end of the phone asked.

I blinked. "Yes," I said. "I'm highly allergic to beets."

"Beets?"

"Beets."

"Hm," she said. "I'm glad you told us that, because there are definitely beets on our menu."

I was a little perturbed, because as far as I knew, we hadn't signed on for any sort of preset menu or anything. But I shook it off, and went about my day.

We got to the restaurant about ten minutes before our reservation, despite the utter cluelessness of our cabbie (who not only didn't know where the restaurant was, but drove right past it despite my yelling " back there! It's back there!!!"), and were seated in a charming, sunlit lounge area to enjoy a beverage while we waited.

After a bit, we were led into the main dining room. Our table was in the same section of the restaurant as the huge woodfire grill, and I had a great view of both the action there and the doors to the main kitchen.

So after we'd settled in, the waiter asked "I understand we have a beet allergy this evening?" I raised my hand, and he pointed out all the dishes on the menu that involved beets, and assured me that if we opted for the 5 course tasting menu, they could adjust it to accommodate my need for beet-less-ness. "And our featured amuse bouche currently includes beets, but the chef has an alternative option designed for you."

After much conferring, we decided against the tasting menu, and placed our orders. Shortly thereafter, we received our amuses: the aforementioned Beet Two Ways and my super special just for me so they wouldn't have to call the EMT's one, which involved White Grapefruit and Avocado.

White grapefruit and avocado are two of my favorite things, and the amuse was perfect -- a bright, refreshing little awakening in the mouth. My companion ate his beets quickly so I wouldn't get psychosomatic anaphylaxis just from having them near me, and assured me they were delightful.

For our first courses, my companion had the Smoked Halibut Chowder with Fingerling Potatoes, Dried Corn, and Oregano. The taste I had was really delicious -- and I'm not much of a halibut fan -- great smoky flavor with hints of corn and no aggressive fishy taste.

I ordered the Local Baby Mixed Lettuce Salad with Black Pepper Strawberry Vinaigrette, Feta Cheese, and Berton's Bacon. And when it came out, I broke one of my own commandments: thou shalt not be that douche who takes pictures of all the courses at a nice restaurant.

I just couldn't resist the beautiful strip of bacon draped seductively over the top of all those delicious greens.
And then the picture didn't even capture the beauty of the salad, because I zoomed too quickly. And because the food gods were punishing me for being that douche.

(You should read this post at Alinea at Home, by the way, so you can understand why I'm having even more of a crise de conscience than I normally would about doing something so gauche).

Anyway. The salad, however ineptly photographed, was delicious. But -- as I'm so fond of saying about things on various reality shows -- it's great, but it's not original. In retrospect, I kind of regret ordering something so standard when I could've gone for a more adventurous/unusual.

Since it's hard to get the douche cat back in the bag once he's out, I then continued subtly taking one picture of each dish. Because I was trying to be unobtrusive about my douchiness, I didn't take a whole lot of time in set up, so some of the dishes -- particularly the ones I ate -- are a bit on the blurry side.

Like, for example, my second course, the Pan Roasted Diver Scallop on Tarragon Glazed Baby Carrots with Arugula Broccoli Puree and Baby Radish Brown Butter.


I'm going to say "YUM!!!" and you should imagine it echoing serenely across the hills like the "Yum!" in the Red Robin commercials. SO GOOD. The scallop had an absolutely beautiful texture, and I can't even begin to describe the arugula broccoli puree. It was just a magnificently smooth, rich taste that complimented the scallop and carrots beautifully.

In fact, I'd be hard pressed to imagine anything better. . . if I hadn't had a bite of it with the same course. My companion had the wisdom to order the Pan Seared Artisan Foie Gras with Spiced Strawberry Syrup, Roasted Strawberries, White Chocolate, Avocado, and Pecan Sandies.

A. MA. ZING. The contrast between the crisp cookie and the smooth foie was just incredible, and the flavors. . .!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. I just can't even begin. I want foie with strawberries every day of the week. I don't care how fat I get, or how many geese or migrant farmers working in the strawberry fields have to suffer.

(It's also when I mostly stopped feeling bad about the whole picture taking issue for awhile. My kitchen is green and red, and I kind of want to blow up that foie picture and frame it and hang it on my wall. At the same time, though, I realized that if word got back to the kitchen that some chick who was allergic to beets was taking pictures and had transcribed her party's order into a moleskine notebook, I was kind of putting a target on my back. There are probably some Cheftestants out there who would put two and two together on that one, and serve me a dish of ground beets with a side of sulfa drugs)

Because one of the things Kevin and I share is pork being our jam (it keeps us partyin' to the a.m.), for my third course I ordered the Wood Grilled Berkshire Pork Loin, Melted Leeks, Fennel Pollen, Roasted Local Baby Corn, Toasted Almonds, and Fig Balsamic.

Otherwise known as the dish that truly proved that pork is, in fact, Kevin's jam. And mine. The meat was beautifully done, and the leeks were insanely delicious. The baby corn was incredibly tender. We both agreed that this was the winner of the main courses, and a close second to the foie in the whole evening.

Also delicious, though, was my companion's Wood Grilled Painted Hills Beef Striploin with Creamed Brussels Sprouts, Braised California Morels, and Horseradish Mustard Beurre Fondue.

The beef was delicious, but the creamed Brussels sprouts were just fucking amazing. In the last year, I've learned to like a bunch of foods my former-picky-child-self used to turn her nose up at, and Brussels sprouts are one of them. And creamed Brussels sprouts can't possibly be Rocket Surgery, and they were so good that I'm now determined to figure out how to make them myself.

Stuffed almost to the gills, we still couldn't pass up the dessert menu. Because we're piggies. Horrible, horrible, greedy little piggies. And, in my case, because one of the options was a Lemon Meringue Tart with Vanilla Grapefruit Confit, Basil Syrup and Lemon Chip.

I love lemons, and I love basil, and I love, LOVE, LOVE white grapefruit (mostly because I grew up with two trees full of 'em in my back yard, and consider them the legit grapefruit. I'm just not as cool with their weird pinky brethren). And this was delicious -- the filling in the tart was crisp and delicious, and the pastry was flaky perfection. And dragging the grapefruit segments through the basil syrup was another experience I'd like to try and recreate for myself. So good.

My companion opted for a cheese course called Le Petit Dejeuner which was three cheeses served with Puree of Navel Oranges and Roasted Pistachios.


It's so far away. . . .Anyway, I didn't get a sample of it, because I've learned better than to come between this gentleman and his cheeses (and he knows the same is true of me), but I'm told it was exquisite.

All in all, it was a tremendous visit. But in the interest of fairness, I do have to point out a couple of small negatives: first, while being in the room with the grill was fascinating to watch, it did start to irritate the contact-wearing-eyes and my companion's asthma-having-lungs after a bit. So in addition to asking about food restrictions -- which I totally appreciated -- maybe asking about environmental allergies would also be a good step. It can't be too much harder to put people with lung problems away from the smoke than it is to keep beets away from me.

And second: the service was generally great. But our waiter -- while certainly attentive and eager to please -- was unctuous to the point that it became creepy. If you imagine the palace eunuch in a 1960's movie set in ancient Rome, that was him. And one of the female servers touched my boob in that accidentally-on-purpose way after putting my pork down.

So to sum it up: Kevin, you pig-loving, tree-dwelling bastard, it was outstanding. Sorry for being that douche who took pictures of everything. And thank you for making sure I wasn't served anything that could kill me.

Project Runway: Madea's Fabric Reunion

Little Anthony
Played by one Tyler Perry
Fades from the runway

I'm back, ladies and gents. And I'm full of things to tell you, and I'm . . .

. . .freaking exhausted.

So we'll space out the exciting information about foie on pecan sandies and beet free amuse bouches and various types of burgers and shakes over the rest of the week, and just focus on Project Runway for the moment.

Not that there's a whole lot to focus on, not really. I mean, for one thing, I don't feel like it was a terribly exciting episode. A fantastic idea for a challenge, yes, but other than Emilio being a douche and the judges being even bigger douches, not what I'd call full of excitement and dramatic tension and whatnot.

And for another thing, I'm sad about Tyler Perry as Anthony leaving, but I'm SO FURIOUS about Cerri leaving Models of the Runway that it's kind of clouding my vision on the main episode.

And for a third thing. . . .flights. Weddings. Foie. Sixty three kinds of Coca-Cola company beverages. I'm exhausted. So let's just get this ball rolling.

Morning! New York! Atlas apartments! Jonathan is still upset about losing his BFF Amy, and says that it’s game on from this point forward. Anthony says he’s closer to Bryant Park than most people expected him to get.

In the girls’ apartment, Maya is a little upset and jealous that Seth Aaron and Emilio won. She also frets a bit about there being only two girls, and the fact that she’s the youngest one left.

Runway! Heidi “HALLO”’s them and somberly says there are only seven of them left. For their next challenge, they’ll be taking their creativity to the next level, and it will involve more than just choosing their fabric.

Seth Aaron wonders “what does that mean? Are we gonna get a couple pocket elves to help us sew?” I would LOVE IT if they assigned Seth Aaron a couple of pocket elves for help with sewing. How cute would that be?

They head to the workroom where Tim is waiting for them with Vivienne Tam. Their challenge this week is to design and create their own textiles to serve as the core of their next outfit. They all clap excitedly.

Tim works in some product placement by telling them they’ll be using an HP Touch Smart All-in-One Desktop to design their textiles. Vivienne Tam pipes in “Working with HP, they make the computer more personal.”


I tried to capture Vivienne Tam’s accent they way I’ve done Fabio’s in the past, but I couldn’t do it. Maybe it can’t be transcribed, but it can be summed up in two words (and an ‘80’s memory conveyed via YouTube clip): Peaw Cweme.

They’ll have an hour to come up with their design, and their fabric will be delivered tomorrow morning. So this is a two day challenge. They’ll also go to Mood for supplementary fabrics.

Work flurry. They mostly talk in interviews about how they’ve never designed their own fabrics before. Anthony tells us “prints don’t work for Anthony.” Augh. You know what doesn’t work for Jordan, Anthony? You referring to yourself in the third person. Stop. Just Staaaaaaaaaaaaaahp.

Mila is trying to create something that emulates giant drips of paints. Jonathan is using a subtractive technique. Emilio is doing a graffiti print with his initials.

They do test prints of their textiles, and send them off to be manufactured. Then they head out to Mood with 20 minutes and $100 for supplementary fabrics. Fabric flurry! Seth Aaron is using yellow to create a “British take on pop punk.” Thank you, Mood!

Back at Parsons, they get down to work. Emilio is doing a three piece outfit because he feels the judges will want to see more work since they have more time. Mila drapes fabric over her head and acts like an asshole. Anthony critiques Mila’s fabric “I don’t want to wear Legos, I just want to play with them.”

Jonathan is a little worried that his print is so light he can’t even see it on the printed mock-up. Anthony is trying to do separates, and feeling a little iffy about it. Emilio is “fighting his viscera.” Commercial!

Back! Night time in New York! Three hours to end of day one! Emilio’s viscera tells him to abandon the blue leather bustier. My viscera often tells me to keep away from blue leather bustiers.

Anthony blames Beyonce for everything that goes wrong in his life. “It’s something about her songs that will make you think – first of all – that you are a size four, that you can conquer the world, and that I don’t know, that you are all powerful. Do you think Beyonce has a song for people who can’t find jobs, or that interview that you didn’t do so well in? Do she sing any songs about that?”

Jay thinks everyone loves Anthony, and thinks Anthony doesn’t even try to be funny. We then get to hear about Oprah and Anthony’s Uncle Leon’s porn addiction. It’s all a bit much. End of day one.

Back at the Atlas apartments, Seth Aaron calls his wife. DON’T DO IT, SETH AARON!!!!

Next day! Workroom! Their fabrics have been delivered. They literally – as Anthony points out – get to watch their creations unfold. Jonathan’s is a gorgeous white with grey-blue and brown spots that I instantly love and can tell is going to be way too subtle for the judges to appreciate. Emilio’s is this utterly naff graffiti print that looks like a rip-off of a rip-off of Keith Haring, where he’s written “esosa” repeatedly but with a little heart for the “o” in Sosa. Barf.

Tim thru! He starts with Mila’s, where she’s happy with the way things have turned out. Tim is skeptical about the length. He’s concerned about the proportions of Jonathan’s. He has a hard time reading Emilio’s, and sees it as “Seth Aaron/ Emilio Sosa.” Ha! He also tells Emilio that if you take the print away, it’s a very basic silhouette. Emilio says “You do not listen to Tim, whether he likes it or not.”

Me. Ow.

Anyway. Tim thinks that what Seth Aaron’s done is fantastic, and says that what he’s working with has to be just as good. He encourages Maya to unblock herself. He’s concerned that Anthony’s won’t be ambitious enough.

Model fitting! Jonathan is convinced he has a great look on his hands. Maya really wants to win a challenge. Emilio refers to Mila’s dress as a white teepee. Mila somehow thinks she’s taking a risk. Bah.

Five hours to end of day. Anthony is trying to figure out whether to keep going with the same bodice. Mila thinks Anthony’s taste is questionable. Mila seems to think everyone’s taste is questionable. Question yourself from time to time you hack. Commercial!

Back! Day of runway show! Atlas apartments. Maya is feeling exhausted this morning. Anthony tells Jay he looks like a gay Christmas ornament. They do their “leave as three, return as three” thing again. Oh, boys.

Workroom. Everyone’s doing little finishing things. Mila thinks she has a great chance of going to Bryant Park. Anthony says “Anthony has a lot on his plate this morning.” GARRRR.

Tim sends in their models for the usual product placement nonsense. Anthony doesn’t care for Jonathan’s look because “everything is pale as hell.” Jonathan thinks Mila is in trouble because it’s so stiff Brandeis can’t walk in it.

Ten minutes to runway! Maya loves the way her dress came out. Emilio says nothing in the room can top his outfit. Jonathan doesn’t want to go home. Time! Commercial!

Back! Heidi emerges wearing the curtains from Studio 54 as her maternity top, and reminds them of what the challenge was. The judges are Michael “Hey Guys” Kors, Nina “Hi everyone” Garcia, and Vivienne“Hiiiiii” Tam.
Show! Seth Aaron’s is a very fitted menswear inspired look with a pop art print jacket. Jonathan’s looks so lovely to me – the print is soft and beautiful, but the jacket is a conceptual mess. Maya’s is a black dress with her red print in panels up each side, and a ruffed color. It’s striking, but not original.

Emilio’s, similarly, is his print in a halter dress. Striking; not new. Mila’s is a long white column with some dripy stripes that makes her model walk like she’s wearing Vincent’s old trash dress from back in the day. Anthony’s is a black dress with purple accents. The shoulders are neat, but there’s some sort of tsuris in the back. Jay’s is mostly black but with a bodice and collar in his green print.

Jay is immediately told that he’s safe and can leave. So his design was dead center. The rest have the highest and lowest scores.

So beginning with Emilio, he explains that his influences were graffiti and ‘40’s French fashion. Heidi is in love with the whole outfit. Kors says he nailed it. He also says that the pattern is “abstract,” which really. . .I don’t think that word means what he think it means. Emilio’s pattern is his name. And a heart. There’s really nothing abstract about it. Vivienne Tam would love to wear it.

Moving to Mila, she says she wanted to create something “painterly.” Kors doesn’t find anything about the print intriguing, and calls it “a Mexican sarape/gay flag.”

Heidi says it’s definitely something you’ve seen in the ‘70’s before. Nina says it’s not much of a print, and Vivienne Tam adds that the print doesn’t go with the dress.

Anthony tells them he wanted to play with color and geometric shapes. Nina says that she doesn’t understand the shrug. Kors says it looks to normal, and Vivienne Tam thinks the sweetheart neck doesn’t go with the architectural print. Heidi wants to see something different from him.

Seth Aaron explains his pop-art inspiration. Heidi likes that he’s always true to himself. Kors says it’s impeccable and has personality. Nina thought his print was charming, and loved the jacket.

Maya says she wanted to create a textile with a lot of movement. Nina says she did a brilliant job with the print, but that there’s a lot going on. Kors says the coolest thing about the dress is its “weird juxtaposition” and says the model looks like a “romantic warrior.”

Jonathan tells them about his fabric and jacket. Kors says the jacket is “like a disco straight jacket” and doesn’t make sense, and then compares the print to a dirty tablecloth. Then they all laugh at Jonathan like a bunch of mean girls at the junior high lunch table.

Nina says it’s a full on catastrophe and that it makes her feel sad. Jonathan defends sad as an emotion, and stands by his print.

Deliberation. They start with Anthony, and Nina says there’s always an explanation or an excuse. Heidi thinks he does the same silhouette over and over again. Of Mila, Nina says she took the easy road, and Kors says the model looks like she was walking in a striped teepee. Then they laugh more about how offended Jonathan got, and Nina says the outfit was too conceptual and too weird.

What a bunch of tasteless bitches.

Moving on to the popular clique with the kids they want to like them, they begin with Seth Aaron. Kors says the look is unbelievably polished, and Nina says he’s full of ideas and true to himself. Heidi loves Emilio’s print and dress and would love to have it. Kors says the print could work in a variety of ways. Kors thought that Maya’s side silhouette was gorgeous, and Heidi and Michael think her print was the best print. Commercial!

Back! Emilio is the winner. He makes an excited noise that sounds kind of like gagging. I just straight out gag. He says this shows everyone he’s a force to be reckoned with.

Seth Aaron and Maya are allowed to leave the runway. Maya is frustrated.

Mila is in. So it’s down to Anthony and Jonathan.

Anthony made another simple cocktail dress with a safe print, and a bunch of excuses. Jonathan’s look was bizarre and sad, and a complete and utter misfire. I want to punch Heidi Klum in the face.

Anthony is out. But Heidi adds that they’ll miss him. He and Jonathan blow each other kisses as Jonathan’s allowed to leave. It’s pretty presh.

Anthony says life has taught us that you don’t have to have the crown to be the queen. He says he never thought he’d be in this place.

Tim hopes he’s as proud of his own achievements as Tim is, and tells him to think about his legacy, and being on the cover of Mary Clare.

Next! Desigining for a celebrity! And then my DVR cut out. I'm sure it's fascinating, though.

Project Runway: Wasn't It Awesome When That One Thing Happened?

Person who got aufed
Your design was somehow bad
Joke about character.

Now you're thinking "this is inexcusable. She can't pull this shit two weeks in a row!"

But this one was planned, darlings. I'm actually writing this twelve hours before the episode airs because I am mere seconds from leaving the house, heading to the airport, and getting the fuck out of dodge.

And I'm not taking my laptop; and I'm not planning my vacation schedule around the need to be back to my hotel room by 10 so I can take frantic notes in a different city. So there.

So the bad news is: no Project Runway recap until Sunday evening, at the very very earliest.

But the good news is. . . I'm going to Atlanta, where I have plans to eat at a handful of Top Chef staffed or fronted restaurants*, so you can count on hearing about that (as well as the awesome wedding I'm going to, and whatever other shennanigans I manage to work my way into).

And because I know I'm being kind of a dick, you can go ahead and "spoil" the results for me in the comments. I don't care -- in fact, I've often considered writing an entire post about how people who complain that other people have "spoiled" things that have already aired for them are the worst form of twenty-first-century self centered crybaby, but that's an issue for another day. Or never.

Au revoir!

*Let me add, much later in the evening, that Kevin made a special beet free amuse. . . FOR ME. . .and it was delicious.

I can bring home the bacon (flavored toothpicks) and fry it up in a pan

I was thinking recently (I do this every once in awhile, during my occasional brief lapses into sobriety), and I thought "It's been awhile since we talked about bacon."

And that, my friends, is a problem. Because if I'm not talking about bacon on a regular basis, then WHO IN HELL AM I?????

It's not like I haven't been eating bacon in my usual copious amounts. I have. Oh, lordy, I have. But I haven't been doing anything terribly exciting with it. My new go to dinner when I don't want to do actual cooking is to make a spinach salad, put some bacon into it, put a dijon dressing over it, then put a fried egg over that, and break the yolk of the egg and let it mingle all over the dressing and everything.

It's freaking delicious. But it doesn't involve a lot of effort, or interesting equipment, or special trips to fast food joints to get it.

What I have done recently is acquired a great deal of bacon related merchandise. So I thought we'd go over some of that.

I also thought today would be a good day to do that, since it's the first anniversary of the time I made Beer Battered Bacon Wrapped Cheese Balls. This also means it's the much-more-than-first anniversary of teh Jebus's birth, and celebrating some bacon seems like a good way to acknowledge that (since I'm not giving into his plaintive requests to blog about how badly my brackets are busted).

So first we have:
Bacon flavored toothpicks! A birthday present. Can't give you a report on the flavor yet, as I'm not much of a toothpick gal (despite being from the great Amurrrkin West), but I'll let you know once I check them out.

And then there's:

Saint Anthony the Abbot, the Patron Saint of Bacon! Also a birthday present. So the big question is: how have I not had before now? I love bacon. I'm somewhat tolerant of my own Catholicism (though I have no patience for other people's. Bleh). How has it taken this long for the Patron Saint of Bacon to find his way into my home?

And the other question is: What should he do? Should he hang out with Piggy Bank Buddha and Bar Crawl Jesus? With the Racing Presidents Bobbleheads? With Voodoo Pig from New Orleans? Or should he fight my Rosie the Riveter Action Figure?

And THEN, there's this:

A guide to better bacon! Not only does it have bacon centric recipes (including one for "Macaroni and Grease" -- um, YUM), it has advice on good kinds of bacon! It has historical information about bacon! It has a recipe for Ojibway Viagra (one parts each of blueberry, moose meat, wild rice, commod pork, maple syrup, and bacon grease, and 94 parts Fix-a-Flat)!

And finally, we have this:

A t-shirt! I actually bought this for myself -- it was the shirt-of-the-day from I Can Has Cheezburger's "LOL-Mart" division a few weeks ago, and I couldn't resist. I think it makes the perfect addition to my wardrobe.

So there you have it, kids. A nice cataloguing of all my recent bacony acquisitions. A bacon wrap-up, if you will.

Mmmm. Bacon wrap-up.

Excuse me. I have to go cook something.

'cause I'm a Woman, W-O-M-A-N

As you may recall, when we last saw the Jordan Bakermobile, it looked a little something like this:


That was in the middle of February's Snowzilla/Snowpocalypse/Snowmageddon/Snowtorious B.I.G. And it took FOR-freaking-EVER for it not to look like that.

In the first place, it took awhile for the snow to melt off the car. And then it took an even longer while for the snow that my neighbors had shovelled up one side of it and the snow that the city had plowed up the other side of it to melt down to the point where I could get into it.

But once it had -- let's call this around the 23rd of February or thereabouts -- I thought I'd better at least get in the car and start it, because at that point it had been almost a month since I'd driven anywhere. And I got in, and turned the key, and it went wah-wah-wah. And then I stopped it, and swore, and turned the key again, and it went wah-wah-wah-VRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOM!

So I cheered, and patted the car on the steering wheel, and let it run for the length of "Single Ladies." And then I turned it off, and went inside and enjoyed my evening. And the next few days.

And then I got into the car on the following Saturday, thinking I'd drive down to the gym and the grocery store. And I turned the key, and it went wah-wah-wah. And then I paused, and turned it again, and it went wah-wah-wah. And then I paused, and swore, and turned it again, and it went. . .

click.

And

click.

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" I bellowed at the top of my lungs, which was kind of a dumb thing to do since I was sitting inside my very small car and so the only person who got the benefit of the bellow was me, as it reverberated back.

Anyway. Fast forward a couple of weeks, and a couple of abortive attempts to get it to jump start (and a couple of ridiculous attempts to maneuver other cars into position to jump it, since the battery in my car is in the trunk), and the time it takes to order a tiny battery for a tiny car to my local Auto Zone, and we wind up at a Saturday -- this Saturday in fact -- when I couldn't unearth anyone to get me to said Auto Zone, and I was coming up against the hard deadline of resumed street cleaning, and a trip out of town, and needing to drive down to see family for Easter and up to cat sit shortly thereafter.

"Ok, kitten," I said, because sometimes when I talk to myself, I call myself kitten. "You're in this alone."

So I strode out into the glorious unseasonably warm day, and took two trains out to Auto Zone, and picked up the battery. And then I lugged the battery back to the train station and on two more trains, and on the half mile walk from the metro station to my house.

I don't recommend this, by the way. Car batteries, even small batteries for small cars, are freaking heavy. My arms and back have been killing me ever since. And that's to say nothing of the odd looks you get, lugging a car battery around all over the place.

And then I googled the instructions for replacing the very small battery in my very small car, and it looked very straightforward. Old battery -- check. New battery -- check. Knowing the difference between the positive and negative terminals -- check. Hand wrench? Hm.

So I borrowed a hand wrench from my neighbor, and set to work. I got the coverings up, and got the strap that holds the battery firmly in place off. I got the venting tube disconected. I was feeling ballsy and competent and independent. A woman pulled in to the space behind me carefully, and smiled, curious.

And then it came time to loosen the clamps. And I went to loosen the clamp on the negative terminal.

And damned if I could make the thing budge. There was some dreadful combination of not being able to adjust the wrench correctly, and not having the right leverage, and not being able to get a good angle on the stupid things.

So I took a break. I ate a quesadilla. And then I went back to my neighbor and explained the situation. And he produced a set of socket wrenches, and asked if I needed any help.

"I think I can do it," I said. Because -- have I mentioned this before? -- I'm horribly, horribly stubborn. I like to think I can do things. And I hate asking for help.

So I figured out the right sized socket, and the clamps came off, no problem. And I lifted out the old battery.

An older lady in a large car drove by and got stopped near me by a traffic light. "Honey, you a mechanic?" she yelled.

"No ma'am," I said. "Just a cheapskate." We both laughed. I put the new battery into the tray.

"Well, that's better than I'd be able to do," she said, and drove off. I tightened the clamps back up, first the positive. I tried to put the clamp on the negative. It wouldn't go. I loosened it a bit more. It wouldn't go all the way.

So I whomped it a couple of times with the end of the socket wrench to get it to go on a bit further. And I reattached the vent tube, and put the strap back on, and the coverings over it, and feeling very cheered and competent and independent, unlocked the driver's side door and turned the key in the ignition.

Nothing.

No vrrrrrrrrrroooooooom. No wah-wah-wah. Not even a click.

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!!!!" I screamed. And again, I realized the futility of screaming in my small, enclosed car.

I got out, slammed the door, flung the cover back off the battery. Undid the strap, undid the vent tube, tried to loosen the negative clamp. Found it difficult, because of the aforementioned whomping. Finally got it up. Got the other one off, lifted the battery back out.

"Perhaps," I thought, "the tray needs cleaning off." So I took the tray out and gave it a shake to get up any debris. I put the tray back in, picked the new battery up, and that's when I noticed the. .. .

. . .plastic tab.

Like the sort you pull to open a fresh can of Reddi-Whip. And it was leading to. . .a plastic cap. Covering the negative terminal.

"You idiot," I hissed at myself. I pulled at the plastic tab, and braced for an explosion. None. It just pulled the cap off, revealing a battery terminal that looked remarkably like the three other battery terminals I'd been staring at all afternoon.

This time, the clamp went on the negative with no problem. "Idiot," I said again, and went through the now-familiar steps. Vent tubes. Strap. Coverings. Driver's side door. Key.

VA-RRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM! the car said cheerfully. And "HUZZAAAAAHHHH!!!" I screamed. And somehow it was much better screaming happy things in my enclosed space than it was swear words.

I turned the car off and got out, and started putting the things I normally keep in the trunk -- grocery bags, jumper cables, first aid kit, flares (again, I like to feel like I can do things) -- back in the trunk, and packing up the tools to give back to my neighbor.

The woman who'd parked behind me earlier came outside with a friend as I was carefully picking up the old battery. "Honey, you a soldier," she said.

I laughed. She turned to her friend. "I saw her out here earlier, and I don't know what she was doin', but she had all the tools lined up, an' she was in there workin' on it."

"Just changing the battery," I explained.

"In the trunk?" the woman asked.

"It's supposed to make the car balanced or something," I said.

"An' you changed that yourself?" her friend asked.

"Well, someone had to do it," I said.

"You go, child," one of them said, and the other one nodded "that's what real women do. We do what's gotta be done."

"Amen," I replied, and lugged the old battery off, full of smugness scarcely earned by my acheivements. Sure, I could've done things differently -- in a more timely fashion, or with more help, or better research, or not failing to notice that only one of the four battery terminals I was staring at was wearing a black plastic sheath -- sure, I could've done things better.

But in the big picture, I'd done what had to be done.

Hell yes. I'm a soldier.

Project Runway: Concrete Jungle Where Dreams Are Made Of/ And Amy Gets Sent Home

No Upper East Side
Just a quick "Aufweidersehn."
Amy's going home.

I know, I know – I’m awful. I’m the worst. I’m like twelve + hours later than usual with this ridiculousness, and I apologize.

But let me give you some context: the very first thing my notes from last night say is “I’ve got hiccups.” Underlined. At the top of the page. I had hiccups last night – strong, dreadful, abdominal workout type hiccups – for the first time in longer than I can even remember.

And I had them for probably the first 30 minutes of the show, because every time I tried to take 20 seconds to hold my breath, I’d get to 7 or so and someone would say something to crack me up. Because apparently MAKING ME CONTINUE TO HAVE HICCUPS IS FREAKING HYSTERICAL to some people.

And then there’s the fact that between the hiccups and the usual wine related complications, my notes are all but completely illegible. I mean, I usually start out with my normal abysmal handwriting and devolve toward chicken scratches by the end of the episode. But last night I started with chicken scratches and devolved toward something that can only be described as “the fuck?” Seriously, I stared at “I’ve got hiccups” for two minutes wondering why I’d written down “I’ve good humps.” Which I do, in the lovely lady lumps in the back and in the front Fergie type way, but it seemed like an odd thing to take notes on.

I'ma git git git you drunk. Git that song stuck in yo' head after you've managed to avoid it for three years. Mah humps. Mah humps mah humps mah humps. Mah lovely lady lumps.

And for some reason, there’s chocolate on some of the pages.

So I needed to give myself some time to work on deciphering them. More time than my normal wake up at 5:15 and hit the shower by 7:30 schedule permits. Especially today, since that schedule was thrown off by the fact that I slept through my alarm.

But now we can get down to business. Or "bidness, if you prefer.

And the first order of bidness is to say that I was kind of shocked by last night’s outcome. I realize Amy hasn’t consistently shrouded herself in glory or anything, but she’s generally done well, with the exception of the occasional pair of fish pants or top with fur tits. And she did well enough early on that I actually expected her to go further than this.

But oh well. Shall we?

Morning! New York! Atlas apartments. In the ladies’ apartment, Amy says that being in the bottom 3 means she has to step it up. I hope she Steps It Up 2: The Streets!

Maya frets about how she hasn’t won a challenge yet. She finds it “frustrating, fer sure” that everyone who’s still there has won a challenge except for her.

Runway! Heidi greets them and points out that there are only 8 left – half of them are gone. Yay, Heidi did a fraction!

She tells them that their next challenge, they want them to get into a New York state of mind. I hope William Joel got his royalties for that reference.

They go to the designers lounge to meet with Tim. He’s standing there with the world’s greatest pockmarked makeup artist, Collier Strong.

For this challenge, they’re using New York City as the point of departure for their design. They’ll go to one of four neighborhoods: Chinatown, the East Village, the Upper East Side, and Harlem.

Emilio feels like he has to win this challenge because he lives in New York, and if he doesn’t win, it’ll be a real disappointment for him and for his people.

Crickets.

His people? What people? African-Americans? New Yorkers? Self satisfied forty-something douchebags who still wear Newsie caps?

Tim has more exciting news: They’ll be working in teams of two.

With the looks this elicits from some of the designers, it’s a wonder the Lifetime sound department managed to resist using the sad trombone sound effect there. Instead, they went for the ominous half-of the Law & Order “CHON-CHON!” crash of doom. So just one "CHON" of doom. If you only use one "CHON," you don't have to pay royalties to NBC/Universal/General Electric/Scheinhardt Wig Company/Kabletown.

I call bullshit on this whole teams thing, by the way. It’s way too late in the game for a teams challenge. There are only 8 of them left. You’re telling me there aren't 4 other historically and architecturally significant neighborhoods in New York they could’ve sent them out to? What about SoHo? Spanish Harlem? Inwood? TriBeCa? Morningside Heights? Chelsea? The Financial District? Little Italy? Yorkville? Washington Heights? Manhattanville?

And you’ll notice I’m not even suggesting that they – GASP—leave Manhattan and go somewhere in the other boroughs. I may be from the cultural wastelands West of the Mississippi, but I'm not THAT gauche.

And if it’s that critical that they make two looks inspired by the neighborhood – which, again, bullshit – then give them a longer time to do it in, and have them make a two look mini-collection on their own. Since they’re at the halfway point now, they could even bring back the aufed designers to be a spare set of hands.

Why am I not the producer on this show instead of that pregnant Teutonic moron? See how much better my ideas are?

Anyway. I digress. Emilio prays to god that he doesn’t get stuck with Mila. Mila clarifies that she’s not a huge fan of teams because you never know what you’re gonna get. Well, Mila, it seems like by this point in the competition, your fellow designers are pretty clear on the fact that if they’re paired with you, they’re going to get a big helping of bitchcakes.

Tim further explains that each team will be making 2 looks – one for day and one for evening – and that they’ll have a budget of $300.

Anthony, Amy, Emilio, and Jay are the team leaders. Jay worries that he’s going to get stuck with last choice.

Anthony chooses Maya. Amy chooses Jonathan. Emilio chooses Seth Aaron. Jay can’t believe he’s stuck with Mila. Mila says she never talks to Jay and doesn’t really like him. WAH-wah.

But they get first choice of neighborhood to make up for working with the dud no one wants. So they get the East Village; Emilio and Seth Aaron take Harlem; Amy and Jonathan take the Upper East Side; and Anthony and Maya get Chinatown.

Collier Strong then talks about how they’re going to use L’Oreal to blah blah blah, and Tim sends them off to their ‘hoods for 30 minutes of exploring and sketching.

In Harlem, Emilio is happy to be back in his own neighborhood. He tells Seth Aaron that “Harlem is about churches, liquor stores, and fried chicken spots.” That sounds like a really good neighborhood to be in. They meet a very snazzy grandma in tight jeans, and get inspired to do something with denim and mosaic depicting jazz musicians.

In Chinatown, Anthony and Maya are thinking about structure and the color red. Maya’s glad Anthony chose her because they’re having fun and he’s making her laugh. They get freaked out by some ducks in a butcher window, but inspired by ladders and a paper dragon.

Jonathan tells us that the Upper East side has a feeling of high end and luxury. They think the architecture is very static, and worry that it won’t go with Amy’s style. They come up with the idea of a shirt dress for day, and a cut-away technique on the evening look to mimic wrought iron.

In the East Village, Mila and Jay try to get past their dislike of each other, and are drawn to the graffiti and industrial textures. Jay wants to do super elaborate pants. Mila finds Jay scattered and hopes they can get through it.


Mood! Fabric flurry! Jonathan and Amy are stumped by fabric shopping and find that agreeing on fabric cuts their time. Emilio and Seth Aaron find denims. Maya is worried about Anthony’s textile choices. Thank you Mood!

Workroom. Tim tells them they have until midnight tonight and precious little time tomorrow, and that they shouldn’t assume that the leader will go home.

Sketching. Mila doesn’t like what Jay’s doing for the day look, but he’s the leader and she’s letting him make the decisions. Emilio is going for a Cotton Club/Billie Holiday vibe with the evening look. Anthony thinks Maya has control issues, and she admits this. Jonathan and Amy are doing works with a lot of detail.

Commercial!

Under the line I draw to signify commercial breaks, it once again says I HAVE HICCUPS. This time, it's in all caps, and it looks like looks like I HAVE HKRAPS.

Back! Maya is working on the day look and Anthony is doing the evening look, which will have a 3-D diamond inspired by the dragon lantern. Maya is butting in on the evening look, and not focusing on her own. Anthony says she told him “’I’m just concerned about these looks ‘cause I’m such an artist,’ but it’s kinda like at this point, everybody on this show is an artist.”

Seth Aaron and Emilio try to find a middle ground in their very different working styles. Jay and Mila just don’t speak to each other. Mila says this is pretty normal for them because they just get in the Zone, and Jay thinks they’re being professional even though they don’t like each other.
Jonathan thinks that both he and Amy are detail oriented, which makes things take a long time.

Then Collier Strong comes in and whores his drugstore make-up to them.

Tim thru! He’s crazy about the jacket on Seth Anthony and Emilio’s day look. He thinks the jacket textile looks weak on Anthony and Maya’s day look. He’s concerned about Jay’s weird pants, and especially that they’re still debating the silhouette for their day look. He thinks Jonathan and Amy might be at risk of overdesigning.

5 hours left! Jonathan and Amy continue to worry about the overdesigned comment, and Jonathan thinks “he’s right; this could be a carnival.”

Anthony says “the problem that Anthony is running into is that the details on the evening dress are all completely hand stitched.” The problem that Jordan is running into is that it’s hard to like Anthony when he refers to himself in the third person.

Models! Jay tells his model, Britney, that he’s nervous, and she tells him she’s been praying there wouldn’t be team challenges. Weird. Seth Aaron runs into a problem with his jacket sleeves, so he cuts the cuffs off.

One and a half hours left! Mila is worried about the fact that Jay hasn’t started the tank top yet. Emilio does a cackle that's meant to be wicked and villainous, but is really just douchey, at the problems they’re having. Jonathan says that the two of them being a team was set up by Emilio because “he’s a naughty naughty naughty naughty boy.”

Jonathan and Amy are struggling with time, and Jonathan’s cutwork is getting sloppier as time goes on. Commercial!

Back! Day of show! Emilio asks Jonathan how he feels this morning, and Jonathan replies “disgusted.”

Mila says she’s hurting this morning. No idea why. Anthony’s apartment does their “we shall leave as three an’ return as three” thing. It would be less ominous seeming if we hadn't seen it for the first time last week, when they left as four and returned as. . .three.

Workroom! Maya is worried about the evening look being mostly black. Tim comes in and tells them they have an hour to do their product placement nonsense.

Models enter. Anthony worries that the daytime look looks a little evening. Mila thinks her outfit looks great, but can’t believe how bad Jay’s tank top is. Emilio wonders “what the hell is Amy and Jonathan building in that corner?” and doesn’t think they’ll be able to finish.

Hair and makeup flurry! 30 minutes to show! Amy runs around frantically. Mila doesn’t want to have to place blame, but she’s going to make sure the judges know what she’s done. Jay worries that she’s going to throw him under the bus. Jay is suddenly very perceptive.

Amy and Jonathan are sewing and trimming up to the absolute last moment. Commercial!

Back! Heidi enters in her most whorish maternity dress yet – it’s transparent, skin tight, and kind of zebra striped. Then she reminds them of the challenge, and introduces the judges: Francisco Costa sitting in for Kors; Nina; and Molly Sims.

Show! Lorena opens in Maya and Anthony’s day look which is a striped jacket and black skirt with pops of red. Monique wears their night look—a black cocktail dress with gold origami down it.

Jay’s day look is some weird riding breeches and a jiggly boob tank. Mila’s day look is another of her typical black and white “Mod” thing, but I like it better than most of her typical black and white “Mod” things. It doesn’t make her less of a one trick pony, though, and the red tights are doing all the work of the outfit.

Amy’s day look is a butterscotch ploufy top with black Capri pants. Jonathan’s evening dress is skin tight and suggests transparency, and is covered with. . . really interesting cut work. Our initial reaction to the dress was “That is HOT!” and it is. . .from a distance. It’s a fantastic idea, and if it’d been executed well it would’ve been amazing. But when you see stills of the dress, it’s really kind of sloppily done.

Seth Aaron’s day look is cute, but it’s very much the same denim jacket and pants he’s been making the whole time, and it’s topped off with this ridiculous poofy beret that gives it a very Toujours Paris look. Emilio’s evening look is a long, shape conscious black gown with a beautiful yellow lining and zipper accents.

Heidi calls Jay and Mila and Amy and Jonathan, and tells them they have the lowest scores. They want to talk to the good teams first, so they send them away.

Beginning with Seth Aaron and Emilio, Heidi is in love with both pieces. Franco Costa felt that both are sophisticated. Emilio gives Seth Aaron props on being really strong in denim. Nina thinks they balanced each other well, but thinks Seth Aaron’s look would be more sophisticated with less detail – the coat has the exaggerated collar, piping, buttons, and tails. It is all a little much. Molly Sims says the typical useless model shit about loving it.

Moving to Anthony and Maya, Nina thinks it’s a great collaboration, and likes the little details in red on the day look and the origami on the evening look. Heidi can see a dragon in the work he’s done. Um, ‘kay. Molly Sims says useless bullshit about loving it.

Heidi asks how working with Maya was. Anthony says he was worried about working with her because she’s quiet, but “don’t let that pretty little face fool you: if she doesn’t like something or she wants to change something, she will surely let you know.”

The bad teams come out. Amy explains their team’s inspiration. Nina’s problem with the daywear look is that it’s not polished. Molly Sims uselessly agrees. Heidi calls it an eyesore and “quite ugly to be honest.” She says the night time look isn’t as bad, but it’s busy. Costa says it’s more sophisticated and has more workmanship. Nina likes the work in front, but hates the panels.

Nina loves Mila’s nighttime look, especially the red hose. Ha. That's because they're doing ALL THE WORK OF THE OUTFIT. But she’s very disappointed with the day look “it’s a taaaaaaaaaaank top,” she says. Heidi accuses Brittney’s boobs of “just kind of floating around in there.”

Molly Sims says “the tank is. . .no.” Useless. What a dimwit. Jay helps her out. “It tanked,” he says. She takes the cue. “The tank tanked," she says, trying to seem wise, hoping with all her might that the editors with their editing magic will make it look as though she thought that up all by herself. Then she wonders what an editor is, and if it's anything like a bunny. Or a leprechaun. She almost starts to hope that it might be like the beautiful, magical child of a bunny and a leprechaun, and then she realizes that that might be a little scary, actually. Then she thinks about what animals might have good children with leprechauns, or bunnies, or tiny little piglets, and how pretty her hair is, and how she should maybe get a puppy, and she wonders why Heidi has gotten so fat lately, and what she was talking about with that "there are eight of you, but soon there will be seven" nonsense earlier. Everyone knows that nine comes after eight. And besides, you shouldn't do math. It makes you think too hard, and then you get wrinkles in your forehead and by the sides of your mouth, like the mean Spanish lady she's sitting next to. (She thinks she's Spanish. Her last name is Garcia, which is the same as Molly's gardener. Maybe she is Molly's gardener's wife, or sister. Maybe she could clean Molly's house or something)

And then we are yanked out of the beautiful, vacant world inside Molly Sims' head, and back into the world of the runway.

Deliberation! Nina had had high hopes for Amy, but thinks she gets too caught up in the details and misses the big picture. Hedi thought the night look was better, but overworked.

On Jay and Mila, Heidi had a problem with the day look. Nina thought the pants were overworked. Heidi feels like Mila took over the team’s work. They think her execution was good.
For the good teams, Nina says that Anthony’s look had subtle and gentle sophistication. Molly uselessly says she’d wear the jacket from the day look. Then she asks Nina what her rate would be for a three bedroom, twice a week, and Nina gives her a look that would whither her soul, if there were any soul in there to whither. Molly thinks about the bunnies and leprechauns, and hope they make her look insightful when they put this episode together.

Heidi thinks Seth Aaron and Emilio had great pieces. Nina liked the injections of color. Franco Costa thinks they worked together well. Nina was disappointed in the evening dress because she knows Emilio can do more. Anyway they’ve reached a decision. Commercial!

Back! Right off the bat, Heidi tells Emilio he’s the winner. And Seth Aaron is. . . .also the winner! They hug. Seth Aaron says a double win is a Project Runway first. Emilio is happy, and laughs his douche villain laugh.

Anthony and Maya are in. Mila and Jonathan are in.

So it’s down to Jay and Amy. Jay’s tank top was ill fitting and mismatched with the pants. Amy’s strange shirt dress was a disappointment, and bad Retro.


Amy is. . . out. Aw. Jay and his little tennis shorts leave the runway as Amy thanks the judges. Amy is proud of how far she’s come.

Jonathan says it’s really hard to watch Amy go home. And he cries. Tim tells her she’s incredibly talented, and they love her. AW.

Next time! You’ll be doing something every designer dreams about but seldom realizes. Looks of fear! Now or never! His taste is questionable! Not listening to Tim! Too conceptual! Disco Straightjacket!

Project Runway: Elemental-y, my dear Heidi

Poor little Benjie
Tried to swim among the sharks
Lost to hairy tits?

So, my loves, I'm very sad that poor little Ben aka grown up Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle is gone, because I liked him and some of his designs quite a bit, even if I did think he was one of those designers who when he was good, was very, very good, and when he was bad Kors compared his work to a jock strap.

And I'm DELIGHTED that Jonathan won, both because I like what we've seen of him so far and I thought he was kind of woefully overlooked last week, and because his model Cerrie is my favorite, so what's good for her makes me happy.

But right now, all of that is paling in comparison to two things. 1)

I KNOW, RIGHT???? We're all sitting around waiting to be fed our dinner last night, and our hosts were all "We have a little surprise for all of you!" And we all got one. Am I going to be the most popular girl at Harris Teeter/my yoga class/ the pool this summer or WHAT??

And second: TOP CHEF IS COMING TO MOTHERFUCKING DC, PEOPLE!! I've been hearing rumors about this for a couple of months now, but now that it's actually coming true, I'm just. . .I'm so. . .

It's overwhelming. I'm actually having heart palpitations, and I might faint. Everyone keep your ears to the ground for info -- I DESPERATELY want to be one of the diners in "Restaurant Wars."

This news makes it hard to focus on poor little Ben, but I'll try.

Morning! New York! Altas Apartments. In guys' apartment #1, which is now really just Emilio's apartment, Emilio reflects on how he got "spanked" by Heidi in the previous challenge, and has now learned his lesson. The six straight men watching this show simultaneously die of jealousy at the idea of being spanked and taught a lesson by Heidi Klum. Ah well. Who needs 'em?

In the girls apartment, Maya and Mila have a tiresome conversation about how alike they are. Mila claims she'd be happy even if she was out and Maya was in. Given what we've seen of Mila and her "wah, why isn't anyone congratulating meeeee for coming in second? wah!" attitude, this seems unlikely.

In guys' apartment #2, Jay says he and his roommates are like the Victoria's Secret Wonderbra, because they lift each other. Oh Jay. Such a sweet little man. Victoria's Secret doesn't make the Wonderbra.

Runway! Heidi arrives and tells them that from here on out, the winner will NOT get immunity. She then says that Tim will meet them on the top of Atlas apartments to "help you channel your natural creativity."

On the roof of Atlas, Tim and Phillip Carreon (Carry On!), the celebrity stylist for Garnier await them. Tim tells them that for this challenge, they must be inspired by one of the four natural elements -- earth, water, air, or fire.

Hey, remember when Top Chef was in Chicago and they did the elements challenge and Spike hated lesbians? And now Top Chef is coming to DC!

DC! WHERE I LIVE AND WORK AND FREQUENTLY DINE OUT AND AM AVAILABLE FOR GUEST APPEARANCES OR JUDGING SPOTS OR JUST TO BE A SCHLUB IN THE BACKGROUND, DO YOU HEAR ME, ANDY COHEN??? DO YOU???????

Focus, Baker, focus!!

So Jay gets to pick his element since he won the last challenge. He picks air. Everyone else draws cards with their elements from Tim's hands. Maya gets water; Jonathan gets air; Ben gets water; Mila gets earth; Anthony and Amy both get fire; Emilio gets earth; and Seth Aaron gets air.

He's not thrilled about this, because air makes him "think of happy blue shit."

Back to Parsons, where they have 30 minutes to sketch. Water makes Ben think of sharks, so he'll do a suit. This is not a good idea right from the beginning.

Emilio reflects on his new model, Monique, who he switched to last week after ditching Holly after she walked down the runway pretty much naked for him. Ass. Anyway, he thinks "Monique is of color," which is maybe the single most awkward phrase ever, and doubly so when it's coming out of the mouth of someone who is "of color" himself. He sounds like a sixty year old white dude trying to be P.C. Anyway, he's doing a strapless dress that will go with her skin tone. Which, in case you missed it, is "of color," which I guess is like the earth or something. Oy.

Anthony says something cliched about failure not being an option. Maya says that water makes her think of sirens, so she's going to turn her model into a "vixen of the water." Jonathan says that he's going to do "a very Jonathan thing" and create his own textile.

Mood! They have a $150 budget. Fabric flurry. Anthony is buying greys and blacks because he doesn't necessarily think of red when he thinks of fire. What does he think of? Oh, I'll tell you. He thinks of his pastor, who deliberately burned his house to the ground.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa????

Seriously, folks, it's a good thing I'm not counting on reality TV to teach me about Christianity, because between Anthony's pastor deliberately burning his house to the ground, and Alexis on Real Housewives, who apparently prays to a version of Jesus who wants us all to have big ole' fake titties, I'd think it was a well and truly jacked up philosophy.

Back to Parsons. Amy thinks about how the competition is getting harder, especially the time management aspect. Jonathan is sick of being "safe" all the time, and worried that no one thinks he's a threat.

Commercial!

Back! Tim and Phillip Carreon arrive, and Phillip takes them to the Garnier hair salon for an extended Garnier advertisement. Erm, I mean for a hair consult.

Back to the workroom for the Tim thru. He starts with Jonathan, who's inspiration was the "lightest side of air" which he thinks is laughter. Tim says his design is stunning.

Seth Aaron's air design was inspired by the city at night. Tim says it pushes the envelope, but is still believable.

Amy's interpretation of fire is that it's "contained chaos." Tim says it's an "interesting idea" and that she should "let this distill." That's Tim code for "bitch, this ugly."

Ben explains his shark theory. Tim is worried about the nuances of the suit not being picked up by the judges. Oddly, the opposite will be true, and this will be one of the things that gets poor little Ben bounced.

Mila tells Tim she's been inspired by minerals. Tim's critique, according to my notes, is "good counterpoint to have fuller plant." I think plant = pants, but I'm still not sure what that means.

Finally, he goes to see Maya who explains her sea creature coming out of the water theory. Tim has every confidence in her.

The models enter. I love Jonathan and Cerrie together.

Maya interviews that Ben's look is a great idea, but his pants are awful. Anthony says it's not that much of a departure for him not to use bright colors.

Fashion flurry. Jonathan says everyone else seems to be creating huge shapes and statements. Ben thinks he may've gotten a bit ambitious.

Back at the Atlas that night, he calls his husband Bobby. They're newlyweds. If there was ANY DOUBT IN THE WORLD that Ben was going home, this would've destroyed it altogether. Commercial!

Back! Morning! Mila says it's going to be a brutal day, and Amy reflects that she's definitely a risk taker.

In the non-Emilio apartment, the other four guys circle up, put their hands in, and say "leave as four, return as four." It's totally cute.

Parsons. Fashion flurry. Jay finishes his work and offers to help Ben. HEART.

Tim enters and says "how is everyone?" and Anthony snaps back "how do we look?" Tim wisely ignores this question and tells them they have an hour to do their product placement thing.

The models enter. Mila still has pants to finish. Anthony thinks Seth Aaron's clothes can be intimidating.

Amy. . . ok. Amy's top involves a giant swoop across the front, and for some unknown gawdawful reason, she's filling it with extensions. On seeing this, I immediately write down "no woman wants fur tits." Look, here's proof:



And at the exact same moment, even as I am dotting the i in tits, Anthony says "I don't know why she chose to give her model hairy tits."

It's official. Anthony and I are spiritual twins. He's like the gay black brother I never had. Commercial!

Back! Runway! Heidi reminds us of the prizes and her ability to subtract one from nine and come up with eight. Then she introduces the judges: Michael "hey guys" Kors; Nina "hello everyone" Garcia; and French designer Roland Mouret. She also reminds them that Jay has immunity, but that he's the LAST one who will.

Let's start the show.

Maya's look is grey and black ruffles. It's fine, but really it's just a short grey dress. What can you say? Jay's is a Joan Crawford chorus girl nightmare mess. Seriously. It's not that it's badly done, it's just tacky as shit, and I have no idea how it's meant to represent "air" at all.

Ben has made a white pantsuit with a horrible pantyline. Anthony has made a black and grey dress that looks classic, if uninspiring, until you realize that her skirt is slit up to her bajingo. Mila has made a Romulan uniform. The pants are good.

Jonathan has made a cloudy looking white dress that's an absolute dream on Cerrie. Amy has made a black onesie with fur tits. Emilio has made a boring mossy dress with a choker. Seth Aaron has made a black leather jacket and breeches that one of my friends describes as having a "poop bag back."

Heidi calls Anthony, Emilio, and Jay. They're safe.

They start with Mila, who explains her Romulan uniform. Kors says it's "very normal" and that she's beginning to seem like a "one trick pony." Oh, snap. I love when they call them a one trick pony to their faces. Nina doesn't understand the outfit, and Heidi says the vest is the only interesting part. French le judge says she went in the wrong direction.

Seth Aaron then explains his New York at night/air costume. Heidi thinks it's astonishing, while Kors calls it a great look, and French le judge says it's really interesting.

To Maya, Kors says the dress is chic. French le judge thinks it's good for the catwalk, and Nina tells her it's "perfectly beautiful, but referential," and that she always seems to be drawing from another designer's point of view.

Amy explains her fire as controlled chaos idea. Heidi says that the top looks like a cat in a baby sling, while Kors compares it to a barmaid serving her hair and Nina says it looks like she has hair growing out the top of her chest.

Which is all a fancier way of saying: no woman wants fur tits.

Ben tells them his idea about the great white shark. Kors didn't get that from the suit; in fact, he had no idea what it was other than an ill fitting suit. He then compares the pants to a jockstrap. They also hate the shark's tooth cuff buttons. So much for missing the nuances . . .

Finally, they move to Jonathan, who explains his idea about laughter being an aspect of air. Nina says she loves that he played up Cerrie's skin, and Frenchy le judge says it's "quite fantastic." Cerrie herself says she was in awe of the detail, and Jonathan quips "pale understands pale."

The judges send them off for deliberation. Beginning with Maya, Frenchy says something that my notes interpret as "control A toted." Ok. I guess that's a compliment. Nina brings up the inspiration factor again, and says that she wants to see more of her.

Heidi says that if nothing else, Seth Aaron is a good tailor. Kors says that the back of his jacket was beautiful.

On Jonathan, Kors thought the color was fantastic. Nina says the dress was poetic, and Frenchy says it's perfection.

On the bad side, Kors thinks Ben had no idea what he was doing, and Heidi found it very odd for him to do. Nina says Amy's was weird, and Kors calls it too ambitious and a mess. Heidi found Mila's super boring, and Kors says it was designed for a mall walk.

Commercial!

Back! Seth Aaron is in. Jonathan. . . .is the winner! Yay! He interviews that winning gives him the power to get to Bryant Park.

Maya is in. Mila is in.

So it's down to Ben and Amy. Ben's was an amateurish mess, unflattering, and bizarre. And Amy's was out there.

But Amy is in, and Ben is out.

He says his goodbyes, and Tim says he feels sick about this, and that they'll all miss him terribly.

Next time! Into the city! Teams of two! Please, no Mila! Complete disaster! Most horrifying experience of my life! Her boobs are floating! She looks like an umbrella!

This really doesn't need much comment, but I just wouldn't be myself if I didn't pass it along to those of you who may've missed it so far.

So here is Sandra Lee, drinking one of her own cocktails, in slow motion.



Consumerist says that the cocktail she's drinking is made from a list of "cream, lemonade, and vodka," and takes the fact that she's making this on camera, apparently for the first time, as a sign that someone on her staff hates her and is trying to sabotage her.

Either that person has been working on her show for years without retribution, or Consumerist is unaware that Sandra's other cocktails include delightful ingredients like Jalapeno JOOS.

Tip of the hat to Freckled K and Brunch Bird for sending the link, and spoonieroonie for the Consumerist article.

Iron Chef America: Battle of the Massive Letdown.

You know how sometimes you get all sorts of psyched up about a thing, like a date or a TV show or a double bacon cheeseburger, and you know it might not be the best thing in the world, or even good for you at all, but you know it has the capacity to be really enjoyable, even if it's in a really filthy way?

And then the bacon on the cheeseburger is flaccid and the burger is a veggie patty and the date picks his teeth and makes you pay for your own dinner and the TV show is boring and even the veteran reality show douchebag who was your main inducement for watching is a pale shadow of his former douchey self?

Yeah. That's this week's Iron Chef America in a nutshell.

And the worst part is, it looked SO PROMISING to begin with. You'll see -- even if you didn't watch the episode, you'll notice the tone change during this recap. I start out all "eeeeeeeeeeee!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!" and by about 15 minutes in, it just goes to "eh."

In fact, the only unreservedly good part of the evening was the cocktail I made myself. As those of you who've been following this pink piece of nonsense for awhile may remember, I've never been able to watch Iron Chef America entirely sober, and when I recap it, I generally make a cocktail themed to the episode -- either the contestants or the secret ingredient.

So since I'd decided I was firmly on team Spike for this episode (because better the devil you know and all) I decided to make a cocktail tribute to one of my favorite things from Good Stuff Eatery. And since I didn't think I could make a President Obama Burger-tini (blue cheese, onion marmalade, and vodka?) or a Sriracha Mayo-tini work, I made a cocktail tribute to the toasted Marshmallow shake. . .

. . .by making a S'More Tini. Vanilla vodka, cream, and chocolate syrup in a glass rimmed with fluff and graham cracker crumbs, garnished with a stick full of toasted marshmallows. So good. So very, very good.

Now, let's get to the less satisfying portions of the evening.

So they run the intro, and it looks like they've refilmed it since the last time I watched. The Chairman looks much leaner and aware of his own weird sexiness.

Alton begins by quoting W. H. Auden: "Murder is commoner among cooks than among members of any other profession. He says that kitchen stadium makes this unnecessary, since they can now all work out their tsuris here.

More intro. Who's this Jose Garces kid? And Batalli's officially out now? Already I feel a grim sense of foreboding about this.

Time to meet the challenger. Oh, god, Spike has his douche hat on even in silhouette. Believe me, I tried very hard to get a picture of this using my patented "take a picture of the TV" technique, but the contrast was all off. I may have to get one of those TV tuner things for the computer so I can stop being so ghetto in my recaps. Unless that's part of my charm. Is that part of my charm?

He also keeps crossing his arms in front of himself and hunching his shoulders to look tough. They run through his bio, being VERY VERY CAREFUL not to mention his appearance on that top rated cooking show that happens not to be on the Food Network.

Alton introduces him and the chairman greets him as "Chef Spike." Just Chef Spike? He has no last name anymore? He's bloody Cher now or something? I guess, because the Chairman says "you are known by one name." Ah, but you're wrong, Chairman. He is known by many names. Taintbiscuit. Twatwaffle. Douchenozzle. Skeezy McVadge Chin. And, of course, C-Nugget.

(Now in green for St. Patrick's Day, and made of hemp for 4/20).

As the advertising indicated, Spike chooses to challenge Michael Symon. I hear he worked for Symon at one point. You'd think between that and the fact that they're both Burger Bash veterans, this would make for an interesting competition.

Alas.

So naturally, this being Iron Chef America, there is one more ingredient. Our secret ingredient. Yes, ladies and germs, this is battle. . . . .PROSCIUTTO!!!!!

Oh my god. Chef Spike in Battle Prosciutto. It's like a beautiful gift from the universe right to me.

So they start the clock. Alton tells us about the different sorts of Prosciutto the chefs have to work with: Cotto (cooked, which is more ham-like) and two sorts of Crudo -- aged 18 and 24 months.

Mike Colletti, one of Spike's sous chefs for the episode and I think one of his business partners, is cute. Like seriously cute. How come I never see him at Good Stuff?

Symon is fine slicing Prosciutto with a hand crank slicer. Alton implies that this is how Symon stays in shape. One of his sous chefs is making a dough; another is making what looks to be vegetable stock.

On the challengers' side, Spike is opening thousands of jars of maraschino cherries. He knocks one over. D'oh. How embarrassing for him.

Symon's sous chef vacuum seals his pasta dough to speed the hydration process. Symon is still skinning the cotto.

Spike pours the maraschino cherry juice into a pan with prosciutto fat and garlic. Huh. That sounds. . .not necessarily good, but probably interesting.

Someone on Symon's side is candying prosciutto. Alton throws it to Kevin Brauch who points out that Alton's pretty much explained everything already, and tries not to sound resentful about it. There's more chopping and things.

Spike is blending truffle shavings with some Dijon and other things. Symon makes fun of him for using canned truffle shavings when there are real truffles. Spike replies "I'm not an Iron Chef yet; I can't get real truffles." Everyone notices the "yet."

15 minutes down, and we throw to commercial. And nothing between this commercial break and the time they serve the food is even remotely interesting, so feel free to scoot down to the bottom of the page for the menus and results if you like. I would've if I could've.

Back! Alton tells us that Symon is making some lobsters and some polenta while Spike's team is doing things with asparagus and figs and poached eggs.

Time to meet the judges. Kevin introduces Lisa G., whose credentials are working for Howard Stern; Paul Tyler (restaurateur-- who barely exists according to google); and Nina Griscom (socialite/"entrepreneur"). Yes, these people are certainly qualified to judge a cooking competition. Or something.

Symon strains some spinach puree and one of his sous pulls the lobsters out of the pot and plunges them into an ice bath. Spike is cooking a giant cube of ham; his other sous chef, Brian, is mixing honey with figs and balsamic vinegar.

There's an awesome corn and prosciutto mix going on on Symon's side. It reminds me of the corn and bacon salad Ilan made on Top Chef, aka the only redeeming thing about Ilan, and it makes me happy.

Spike's giant cube of ham goes into his cherry juice mixture. Symon's corn and prosciutto is becoming some sort of batter/fritter. I"m sad at the loss of the potential salad, but happy about the fritters. Spike is cutting cherries.

Alton interviews the judges. They're all first timers, ad they're all excited to be there. It's very lame. These people have nothing to say.

Back on Spike's side, sous chef Bryan is cutting cubes of the 18 month prosciutto. Spike takes his poached eggs out of the pan, and puts more cotto into the cherry juice.

On Symon's side, sous chef Derek splits the lobster tails. Nom. Symon is putting Ohio Goat cheese on focaccia. Double NOM. It goes into the oven. Then his eggs get poached in the spinach puree mixture. Oh, he's making green eggs and ham! How cute! Maybe I like him after all.

Oh, holy god, Derek is wrapping the lobster tail in 18 month prosciutto. If I could have a bite of that, I could die happy. 33.5 minutes remaining. Commercial!

Back! Spike's side is making an asparagus and bell pepper salad, and has added sugar and lemon zest to sauteed pineapple. Symon has removed his poached green eggs and pureed some peaches. Mike Colletti has a giant striped bass that he makes say hello to the camera. Sous chef Corey on the Iron Chef's side is cutting his pasta dough into spaghetti. Both teams are doing things with figs. 25 minutes.

Symon puts a brown sugar mixture into an ice cream machine. Then he puts some fat into a fryer to make prosciutto cracklins. Ok, maybe I like this guy.

Brian is slicing the cherry cooked cotto. Colletti is pitting olives and adding them to the asparagus/pepper salad. Someone on Symon's side is grilling cotto. Brian carves up a melon. I kind of hope that goes with the prosciutto vinaigrette they just showed Colletti making.

15 minutes! Commercial!

Back! Spike is combining the pineapple and cherries. Someone else has blended and strained the cantaloupe and put it in a blast chiller.

10 minutes! Spike starts plating the sliced cherry glazed cotto. Symon has added mascarpone and Parmesan to the polenta; someone else is breading fritter dough in panko crumbs.

There's a lot more plating info. It's a little boring, because somehow despite having two huge showboaters on this episode, there's not a lot of banter or interaction going on.

6 minutes. Spike's bass goes with the asparagus salad. Symon's fritters look beautiful. Someone on Spike's team is tossing spaghetti with the 18 month prosciutto. Spike puts the truffle juice on the poached egg. Symon's lobster is sliced and topped with supremes of orange. The beautiful fritters are going with a peach sauce. Spike brings out a bottle of prosecco to combine with the pureed cantaloupe. Spike. . . .

. . .SPIKE RIMS A CHAMPAGNE GLASS IN FRIED PROSCIUTTO AND MAKES A CANTALOUPE "BELLINI" IN IT.

Dear Spike: It's not like you hadn't rehabilitated yourself enough in my eyes with your delicious burgers and your savoury dipping mayos and your fantastic shakes and the fact that you're actually nice to me despite (maybe, possibly, kind of) knowing who I am. But then you had to rim a champagne glass in fried prosciutto.

Spike, I think I love you.

With 27 seconds left, Spike is flaming a baguette. It goes with the egg dish. 3! 2! 1!

Bro hugs all around as they congratulate each other. Commercial.

Back! Time for judging. Kevin Brauch reminds us of the scoring: each judge can give 10 points for taste; 5 for plating; and 5 for originality (60 points total possible).

Spike serves first. His approach to the challenge was that prosciutto is great on its own, so he didn't want to mess with it that much. He focused on classical pairings and put his own riff on them.

His first dish is Thinly Shaved Prosciutto and Figs and his Bellini. Lisa G. thinks it's delicious. Paul thinks the fig/prosciutto balance is good. What about the Bellini? NO one mentions the Bellini. Assholes.

Next is the Country Style Prosciutto with Pineapple and Cherries -- it's a riff on Virginia ham. Paul says the color stands out. Nina thinks it's a bit sweet.

The third course is Prosciutto "Steak" and Poached Eggs with Truffle Vinaigrette and Grilled Bread. Paul says the truffle jumps out. Nina says the yolk is sexy. Paul likes the presentation.

Fourth course: Spaghetti with Smoked Prosciutto. Paul says the texture's nice. Nina finds it salty. Paul agrees.

The final course is Striped Bass with Prosciutto on Asparagus Caponata with Prosciutto Vinaigrette. Paul says it's "delicioso" and Nina says it's his best dish so far. Lisa G. loves the textures.

Now it's Symon's turn. His approach was to show the versatility of prosciutto. His first course is Prosciutto and Figs with Focaccia and Cracklins. Paul loves the fig and thinks the presentation is great. Nina likes that there are two applications of prosciutto in one dish.

His second course is Spaghetti with Prosciutto and Clams. Paul says there's wonderful subtleness to the flavor. Nina likes the presentation. Lisa G. would like a little more garlic.

The third course is Prosciutto Wrapped Lobster with Sweet Parsnip Puree. Lisa G. says the parsnip is like vanilla pudding. Nina can hear the different citrus notes going on in her palate. Ok. I don't hear with my palate, but it sounds like a nice experience.

Next he has Green Eggs and Ham Over Polenta. Paul thinks the cotto is very moist. Nina says there's a lot going on, but it's still like comfort food.

His final course is Corn and Prosciutto Fritter with Peach Coulis, Prosciutto Chip, and Brown Sugar Ice Cream. Nina finds it very inventive. Lisa G. likes the crunch of the corn. She loves the whole dish.

Commercial!

Back! Alton reminds us of the judging criteria.

Chairman announces that the winner of battle prosciutto is. . .Iron Chef Symon. He and Spike do more bro hugs and the sous chefs all come out to join them.

So the scoring broke down thusly: Symon got 28/30 for taste; 13/15 for plating; and 14/15 for originality for a total of 55/60. Spike got 22/30 for taste; 11/15 for plating; and 12/15 for originality for a total of 45/60.

Not even close, then.

And that's it. Sound the big sad trombones, world. Spike lost, the episode wasn't that interesting, and I didn't have enough vodka around the house to make that delicious S'more-tini strong enoug to power my way through this.

Wah-wah.