Top Chef, Masters: Angel Cards, Wonder Twins, and Modern Families

So you know how last week I was all "ooh, too much drama sullying the purity of Top Chef, Masters?" This week, the pendulum swings back in the other direction.

Not all the way back -- not Monica Potter style chefs-helping-chefs (who then beat them) levels of niceness. In fact, there was no collaboration aside from Maria giving Debbie a few tips on how to salvage her pork dish.

But there was also no real drama beyond a few of the competitors giving Rick Tramanto the side eye a couple of times when he was kind of a douchebag.

So. . . it was really boring. Sorry. I know, I'm impossible to please. But this episode just didn't do much for me. And then beyond that, Bravo showed a commercial before the last two segments that revealed who the second chef making the champions' round would be, and while I'm the absolute last person to ever complain about spoilers. . .. It was the first showing of the show. East Coast, 10:46 p.m. And that was just shitassed dumb, Bravo. That's the sort of thing VH1 does. You should be above that.

Let's just do this.

Los Angeles! Top Chef Masters kitchen! This week 5 chefs compete for the last two spots in the champions round. They are:

1) Jody Adams. Gail Simmons tells us she's a "James Beard Award winner" who combines North Eastern ingredients with Italian traditions.
2) Maria Hines. Rayner says she's one of Food and Wine's best new chefs
3) Rick Tramanto, AKA Top Scallop-gate. Gail tells us "If you're in Chicago and not eating in a Rick Tramanto restaurant, you're probably in the wrong place."
4) Debbie Gold. Rayner says she's been classically trained in France and has a Beard award
5) Susur Lee. Gael Greene's Hat tells us that Food and Wine named him "one of 10 best chefs of millennium." Ok. . .which millennium? This one? The last one?

K-Choi enters and asks Rick what it's like to be on the other side. We see clips of Rick judging, and, of course, of his scallop-gate throwdown with Spike. He says it's nerve-wracking, but he had a blast as a judge.

K-Choi then tells them about their quickfire challenge: they have to create a perfectly styled fruit plate. This is based on a season 1 challenge that Stephen "Original Fauxhawk" Aspirino won with his fruit 12 ways. Susur is excited because he has super knife skills. I feel like super knife skills is a pretty good super power. It would sound really good to yell "Sooooopaaaaaaaaahhhhhh Knife Skillzzzzzzz!" as you shed your chefs' coat and transformed into your purple unitard superhero costume.

Not that I'm visualizing Susur as Zan from the Wonder Twins or anything. Except that now I totally am.




And now you are too. Ha-ha. (Also, that "ha-ha" should be read in the same tone as either Patrick's "I'm NOT Patrick. I'm Ivan. Ha-ha" from Coupling (start at minute 13:45) or LuAnn's "You don't have to be rich and famous to be unforgettable. Ha-ha" from her new single "Money Can't Buy You Class."

Anyway. Their judges are Gail and food photographer Stephen Hamilton. Debbie frets that she's not much into fruit.

Oh, and one more thing. . . this is a HIGH STAKES QUICKFIRE. What? Where are we, Vegas? I thought that was a one-time thing to go with the whole gambling theme. Ulch. Anyway, the winner will AUTOMATICALLY move on to the champions round. For fruit? For FRUIT you get to advance to the champions' round? This is bullshit.

45 minutes. Food flurry. Tramanto wants his fruit to be like "a Dali or a Monet or a Picasso." Jody worries that it's been years since she was the fastest line cook around. She's competing for Partners in Health.

30 minutes. Susur is doing an East-meets-West plate, which is his food philosophy. He's playing for the Andre Agassi Foundation for Education. Tramanto interviews that Susur Lee is "one of the astronauts of our industry" and will be his toughest competition.

Maria interviews that her competitors' experience makes her nervous. "when they were opening restaurants, I was probably in high school, in the parking lot, smoking. .. not inhaling things." That's going to be my new slang for pot. "I smoked the not inhaling things like a cigarette."

19 Minutes! Jody's blast frozen crust gets too frozen, and she has to toss it into the oven. Debbie is stuffing some figs and tempuraing them. Ok, it sounds delicious, but I don't know that it will photograph well.

We then hear about Rick Tramanto's dad going to prison, and how he had a tough time growing up but he recommitted himself to Christ 15 years ago. Oy. You know, I like Jesus and all, but I wish some people would talk less about their relationships with him, especially when it has absolutely no bearing on the situation. Anyway. His charity is Feed the Children.

Time! Jody feels nervous about watching the critics eat their food.

Jody's Fig and Walnut Tart with Pomegranate Syrup and Zabaglione is served first. Gail says it's right up her alley. Stephen Hamilton says the tart looks beautiful and "you understand what you're supposed to be eating." Gail says the tart isn't quite cooked through.

Next up is Debbie's Pecan Tempura Stuffed Fig with Persimmon and Tangerine. Stephen says that it has color, but doesn't have visual "taste appeal." Gail thinks it's prepared very well.

Then we have Susur's East Meets West Fruit Plate with “Ravioli” with Blackberry and Thai Basil. Gail comments that "there's a lot going on" and Stephen agrees that it goes against his "simple philosophy." Susur frets that they don't get his culture, and says that that sort of thing "really bugs my ass."

(Confession: I did a find and replace to replace all the GS's with Gail, and this resulted in a) a lot of fiGails being served and b) the critique buGailing Susur's ass. Fact: I need to stop using find and replace)

After that comes Maria's Northwest Trio: Apple Soup; Grilled Fig; Fresh Berries with Berry Mousse. Stephen raves about the beauty of the figs. Gail applauds the visual simplicity, but has no idea why the things are on the same plate.


Finally is Tramanto's Herb and Fruit Shooters which involves some sort of inspirational cards. Gail's mentions angels or something, and Stephen's is about chefs having friends. UGH. Stephen thinks it's playful. I think it's horrific. Food should be inspiring in and of itself, not because you stick a "Versace cup" and some bullshit about angels on the plate. They rate the dishes.

Commercial!

Back! Kelly says it's time to find out what the judges thought. Maria earned 3 stars. Debbie got 3.5. Susur bottomed out with 2.5. He's pissed off, but says that will motivate him. Jody got 4. And Rick gets 3.5. Jody is the winner! Yay! I like her. And that means 3 ladies in the champions' round. Wow. She says her whole body is smiling, and that having immunity won't keep her from competing in the elimination because she could win another $10,000 for her charity.


Elimination! Their challenge will be to modernize the family dinner for the cast and crew of Modern Family. I heart that show. Rick starts to chuckle because he watches it with his kids.

Kelly says their dish will need to please everyone: actors, directors, and technicians. They'll have 4 hours in the Masters' Kitchen before they serve the food on the lot.

The Chef Masters head off to Whole Foods with 45 minutes and a budget of $350.

Rick is excited for this challenge, because his family is definitely modern -- "Gale Gand is my business partner, pastry chef, and ex-wife." He and his new wife Eileen have 3 boys-- 2 from her first marriage and one from his first marriage.

Jody is doing a twist on her mother's semolina gnocchi. We then get adorable 1950's pictures of Debbie as a wee little girl, which means she looks really good for her age. She remembers the "pork chops and applesauce" scene from the Brady Bunch, and decides to go with a dish that.


Maria says that she feels more confident now that someone as accomplished as Susur came in last on the quickfire, which means it's anyone's game. She is competing for PCC Farmland Trust.

Back to the kitchen with an hour and a half to cook. Susur is still pissed off, and talks about how much the word "Master" means to him because he comes from an Asian background. So he's apparently called his wife and she chewed him out for feeling sorry for himself. I'm still not sure how I feel about Susur, but I like his wife.


Maria says her family is definitely modern because she's been with her partner for 10 years, and they have 2 dogs (or doGails, as the case may be).

Debbie says winning Top Chef Masters would be at the top of her list of accomplishments, James Beard and all. Um. . ..priorities, Debbie. Please. She's playing for Children's TLC.

3 minutes! Everyone gets their food into the fridges and make sure the doors are closed. One of Debbie's pork bellies hasn't cooked.

Jody compares the challenge to "interrupted sex. You cook for an hour and a half, and then you have to stop. How can you climax?" She giggles. I LOVE her. She's saucy. Commercial.

Ooh, the poll is about whether you should take pictures of your food. You know how torn I am about this.

Back! Debbie is trying to make a plan for her undercooked pork, and is following Maria's advice about frying it. Maria thinks the competition moves at a neck breaking pace, and is stressed because only one of the remaining four can make it to the champions' round. Susur is making chicken with curry and polenta and grits. Ok, polenta and grits? I like polenta. I like grits. But serving polenta and grits strikes me a bit like serving pollo and chicken, or maybe more along the lines of a romaine salad with a side of insalata spinaci.

Tramanto reflects on his mom, Gloria, and cries a little that she never lived to see his success. I'm finding him a bit tiresome – everything is angels and Jesus and dead Italian mothers, and then he kind of acts like a dick to his competitors. How do you suppose that makes angels and Jesus feel?

Debbie runs around the kitchen. Susur thinks she's never going to make it, but says "she makes me laugh. She's kind of like a character." And then he looks at her again and suddenly she's done. Heh. That'll show you, Zan. You're not the only one with a super power.

Studio Lot! One hour for set up! The soundstage is set up with seating for 125 people. 25 minutes! Debbie likes her pork, and says that if she can make herself salivate, she knows it'll be a good experience for the guests. Time!


The cast and crew enter, as do the critics. The critics this week are Gail, Rayner, and Gael Greene's Hat. Maria is first and she has mad Sockeye Salmon with Sumac, Lemon, Paprika Potatoes and French Beans with Almond Milk. Jesse Tyler Ferguson (Mitchell) thinks the salmon is good and Eric Stonestreet (Cameron) says "it tastes like salmon." I guess that's meant to be a compliment. At least it doesn't taste like road tar, right?

Next up is Susur. He says he feels very comfortable with film people because they're friendly and down to earth. He has made Roasted Chicken and Farce Curry with Polenta and Grits, Tomato Jam and Chili Mint Chutney. Julie Bowen (Claire) loves it. Stonestreet thinks the tomato chutney is ridiculous, and means this in a good way, but Gael Greene's Hat finds the mint sauce a little hot. One of the teamsters says "somea dis is a little exotic for me."

They head over to Tramanto, who gushes about how much his kids love the show. He serves them Truffled White Beans with Escarole and Grilled Sausage. Steven Levitan likes it, but he's searching for the truffles. Eric Stonestreet finds it comforting, warm, and delicious, and Jesse Tyler Ferguson thinks it hits a homerun as a family meal. Ty Burrell (Phil) questions its modernity though. K-Choi asks Rico Rodriguez if his character, Manny would like the dish. Rico replies smoothly "well, he does like a little spice," and cocks an eyebrow at K-Choi. Rico is Suave.

They move on to Jody, who has served them Braised Chicken Thighs with Mushrooms, Semolina Gnocchi and Herb Salad. Jesse Tyler Ferguson says he's a sucker for gnocchi, and Julie Bowen says it's something she'd make if she could cook. Gail found it a little salty and a little muddled, and Julie admits that she was questioning "which was the chicken and which was the mushroom." Eric Stonestreet kindly clarifies "chickens have legs; mushrooms don't."

Finally is Debbie's Glazed Pork Loin with Apple Butter and Winter Squash Slaw. Julie Bowen says it's good but one degree too sweet. Jesse Tyler Ferguson arees that he's losing the dish. Ariel Winter (Alex) likes it. Sofia Vergara (Gloria) thinks it was undercooked.

The cast and crew get called back, but first they have to score the dishes. Gail compliments Ariel on her discerning palate. Rick tastes Maria's dish and notices mistakes that would worry him, but he thinks he's hit it out of the park. Commercial.

Fake back! Maria thinks Susur is weird because he takes his shoes off in the kitchen. Ok, that's just nasty. I'm not sayin' he's nasty; I'm just sayin' it's nasty. Your bare feet and your food don’t belong in the same place. I don’t even cook barefoot in my own home. Jody thinks he's a goofball and a "culinary dancer." Susur says "being a chef is like a ninja. You have to be so fast and so quick. And you have to be free." Oh, Zan. Form of culinary ninja.

And then they show a commercial which gives away that Susur will be in next week's episode? Seriously, fuck you, Bravo. The commercial typically kicks off by promising the most (insert hyperbolic adjective) Wedding Wars ever, and there's Susur, playing with the cake. Well, why the hell should I bother watching the last fifteen minutes now, you douchebags?

Really back! K-Choi reminds them of what the challenge was, and that Jody will definitely be moving on.

They start with Rick, who denies that being on this side of things has given him more sympathy for Top Chef contestants. Rayner says that his dish tasted like the truffle got left behind. Gail says the truffle didn't make it modern; he says it would've been "for a guy like him."

Next they go to Susur. Rayner says that the risk he took was that he might've created a massive cacophony on the plate, but says he didn't. Gail says the heat was quite strong. Susur says he actually toned it down a lot.

Rayner asks Debbie how she made the glaze. Gail says she certainly took it to a new place, but the butter and the jus were quite sweet.

Maria explains her sumac salmon dish. Rayner says the combination of flavor was clear and distinctive, and Gail says it was very modern.

Finally, they get to Jody, who's moving on anyway. Rayner asks if she felt it was oversalted, and she says she did. Huh. Good for her, I guess -- if you know you're moving on anyway, you might as well just own your mistake.

The chefs get sent back to the kitchen to do their drinking. We see a couple of segments of Rick being kind of a douche, and a lot of people giving him the side eye over it.

The critics deliberate. Gail says Jody's stew wasn't modern, but the greens made it modern. Rayner calls it "a little greasy."

Of Maria's dish, Rayner raves that it was "bold, it was bright, it really was an expression of place," and Gael Greene's Hat compliments the flavor.

Moving to Rick, Rayner feels like the dish "didn't have the advertised truffle" and let him down.

Gael Greene's Hat says Debbie's pork was shockingly undercooked. Gail found the combination of flavors cloying.

Finally, Gail says Susur's looked simple, but wasn't at all. Jay didn't understand the point of the roasted pineapple. Commercial!

Apparently 73% of voters think it's ok to take pictures of your food. Thanks, America!

Back! K-Choi reminds them that Jody is already in and one spot remains. So they give her her scores first. Rayner gives her 3.5 stars; Gail gives her 3.5 stars; Gael Greene's Hat delivers 3.5; and the diners come through with 4 for a total of 14.5/20.

Gail gives Debbie 3 stars. Gail Greene's hat gives her 2.5, as do Rayner and the diners. Her total is 10.5/20. She's currently in second place

Maria is next, and gets 3.5 from Gael Greene's hat. Rayner gives her 3, and Gail and the diners each give3.5. Her total is 13.5/20. Debbie is out.

Gael Greene's Hat and Rayner both give Rick 3 stars; Gail gives him 4; the diners dole out 3. His total is 13/20. He's out. I feel like this is Spike's revenge -- they made Tramanto look kind of like a douche, and then he lost. Wah-wah.

Finally, Gail gives Susur 5 stars; Gael Greene's Hat also gives him 5; Rayner gives him 5; and the diners lowball him with a meager 4.5. His total is 19.5. WOW. K-Choi tells him this is the highest elimination score in Top Chef, Masters history. So he's in and he wins for the Agassi foundation. He and Jody move on to the next round. They congratulate each other.

Maria is excited for Susur because he was so dominant. She hopes someone from their round wins. Susur says he feels really alive now, and wants to win all the way

Next! Blindfolds! It gives Waxman claustrophobia! Wedding wars! Grilling! Pissy brides! Overcooked fish! Rick Moonen is so over weddings.

This post will be cheezy. In every sense of the word.

So on Sunday, I was sitting around being horribly lazy, and trying to find things to do that would allow me to put off cleaning the house/going to the gym/ watching the Project Runway reunion because I hear it's fantastically awful in ways I won't even believe but that will make me so angry that my brain will actually explode and blow the top right off of my skull.

And so as normally happens on weekend days like that, I ended up watching the Food Network -- kind of passively for the most part; just as background noise while I read all the humorous websites I try to avoid reading at work.

And then my favorite show came on, and I sat down and started watching it for real.

I know I keep promising you an extensive post on why What Would Brian Boitano Make? is the best thing to happen to instructional cooking shows since Julia Child trumpeted her first triumphant "HA-looooo" across the airwaves, and it'll happen. I swear. But this is not that post.

So the theme of this week's episode was CHEESE. And of all the things I love in the world, CHEESE ranks pretty close to the top. It's somewhere between tiny puppies and ridiculously huge vintage cocktail rings in the grand scheme of things.

So the gimmick for this episode -- because one of the things I love about What Would Brian Boitano Make? is that it does get a little gimmicky -- is that Brian decides to build a food cart (or to have his recurring character/ attractive French handyman, Guy, build one for him) and sell food with the other cart people in San Francisco. And all of his food items will be cheese-centric (there's even a horrible pun chalked on the other side of the cart where he promises "Lutz and Lutz of Cheese," which is another thing I love about What Would Brian Boitano Make?).

All of the recipes in the show sounded tremendous -- there were grilled haloumi skewers, and mac and cheese, and mini-mascarpone cheesecakes. But the one that REALLY caught my attention was the Grilled Cheese Sandwich with Red Onion Jam, which combined Taleggio and Gorgonzola Cheeses with caramelized red onion jam.

"Nom nom nom nom nom," I said, as I watched Brian carefully layer the cheeses and jam on the bread.

And then and there, I pretty much decided I HAD TO HAVE that sammich. And I had to have it soon. Like that day.

Except if you were in the metro DC area on Sunday, you know it was about 78 degrees with like 11 million percent humidity. And on top of that, my allergies were kicking my ass. So I couldn't really see myself firing up the stove for a long enough period of time to make the caramelized red onion jam.

"Hm. . . ." I thought to myself. "What would Jordan Baker do?"
"I know!" I exclaimed "I'll BACONIZE the sandwich! I'll use the bacon jam I got for Christmas in place of the red onion jam, and turn that sandwich into a flavorful explosion of bacon and balsamic and stinky cheeses!"

doo-da-doo-da-doo-doo! What Would Jordan Baker do if she was here right now? With Bacon Jam she'd follow through, that's what Jordan Baker'd do. . .

So you're going to need some good bread (this is La Brea Bakery's sourdough) and some butter or buttery substitute (using Light Smart Balance here because I'm [sarcastic voice] totally worried about my cholesterol [/sarcastic voice]), some Gorgonzola Cheese, some Taleggio cheese, and some bacon jam (or the caramelized red onion jam from the original recipe).

So I started by cutting the cheeses (heh) -- two sizable strips of Taleggio and one of Gorgonzola. And then I buttered two pieces of bread on the side that would be facing downward in the pan, because grilled cheese always turns out better when you butter the bread rather than greasing the pan.

I put the bread diagonally onto my grill pan (buttered side down), because I like the way diagonal stripes look on my sammiches. And then I put one piece of Taleggio on the bread and pushed it around a little to spread it out, and then put the Gorgonzola on top of it.

And then I put about a tablespoon (and a little bit extra) of bacon jam on top of the cheeses. Then I put the second piece of Taleggio on top of it, and then the second piece of bread on top of that (buttered side up).

I grilled it for about four minutes per side, then removed it to my plate.

Oh hot damn, bacon's my jam. . ..

It was really good. You get the beautiful saltiness of the Taleggio and these fantastic occasional hits of the marvelously stinky taste of the Gorgonzola.

And the bacon jam blended with them crazy well. It was almost like having an Obama burger from Good Stuff, but without the burger in there (and therefore totally low calorie and good for you, right?). You got the same bacon/Gorgonzola/salty flavors, and the textural experience of the jam.

But I will say, I really want to try it with the red onion jam at some point, because I felt like the bacon jam might've been a little bit overwhelming in terms of flavor, and maybe the onions would allow the cheeses to come forward a little more.

So that's the second recipe I've tried from What Would Brian Boitano Make? and the second success. Which is a pretty good track record, and yet another of the many reasons that his show is the best thing on Food Network. And again, I promise to get into the rest of those reasons someday. Once I finish licking the cheese off my fingers.

Project Runway: Congratumalations, Seth Aaron!

Hooray, Seth Aaron!
You have won Project Runway
Who didn’t guess that?

So let me just start by saying: I’m THRILLED Seth Aaron won. I really love the seasons where I agree with the decision BOTH in terms of aesthetic/skill level AND in terms of the winner being a really nice dude/chick. And I know it’s not “Project Nice Dude/Chick” (and if it were. . .I wouldn’t watch. Too boring), but it still feels nice to be unreservedly glad for someone without part of you thinking “yeah, those are great clothes. Ya dick.”

At the same time, let’s talk about the episode: Suckfest. I feel confident making this assertion now, having sat through two seasons worth of Lifetime’s hatchet work on this show. They seriously couldn’t edit their way out of a paper bag. This episode was low on content and super, SUPER high on close up shots of Garnier products, and Tim’s monologues about how they should use the Bluefly wall and enjoy their last night at the Westin. DUDE. I know you’ve got to pay the bills somehow, but Bravo used to manage this bullshit way more subtly.

Seriously, Lifetime. You make Bravo’s product placement look subtle. Bravo. Just kill yourselves.

And they managed to do absolutely nothing with the content they did have. Two designers were missing models thirty minutes prior to the show, and somehow this created zero dramatic tension.

I really hope that this is a side effect of the quick turn around on this season. I know they wanted to get the “bad taste” of Season 7 and the lawsuit out of our mouths by giving us a new season as soon as they could, but this was not the season to give us. Results? Fantastic. Clothes? Generally really good. Story? What? Was there a story? Oh, Tim and Emilio don’t like each other, and Tyler Perry as Anthony had some one liners.

You can’t make a season’s worth of story out of one liners, Lifetime. Take the time before Season 8 is scheduled to start airing, watch the Bravo seasons, and figure out what you’re doing wrong. Hell, watch the most recent season of Shear Genius – yeah, the one where the host can’t speak English and the winner was a stylist with urine colored hair and a personality that would make you pleased to hang out with Hitler – and figure out why that show manages to be more engaging than the crapfest you’re churning out.

So, two things before we jump into this. First, this post will only cover the finale show itself. I have the reunion on DVR, and will probably watch it this weekend and post on it early next week. I just had to get SOME sleep last night.

Second, my evening almost got derailed when I stopped to buy some wine on the way to dinner and saw this:

It’s the first issue of Semi-Homemade Magazine that won’t be delivered to my door, and it made me a little sad. Sandra is grilling, yo! My hand reached out to it, and I heard the gentle strains of “I’ll Stand By You” surging in my head. And then I punched myself in the face and reminded myself not to waste money.

Now. Let’s do this!

One day to the Runway show! Mila tells us she’s ready to go. Emilio says “this is the big one!” Wow, we’re off to such a trite and horrible start that I almost expect an ‘80’s style training montage to happen next. Ready to go! This is the big one! You’ve only got one shot! It’s the eye of the tiger! We’re gonna need a montage!

But instead, they just head to Parsons and make shitty comments about each others’ collections. Mila sees Seth Aaron’s collection as “glam Hot Topic.” Emilio thinks Mila’s is “beautifully made, but demure.” Ok, since when is demure a bad thing? And Mila says Emilio’s clothes look like they’re from “a boutique, in Harlem. . .in 19—“ (and then somehow I didn’t write down the exact year she gave. I think it was 91, but it may’ve been earlier. I can only guess that it was drowned out in the chorus of “DAY-UMMMMMM”s in the living room).

Tim enters and reviews each of their collections. He’s staggered that Seth Aaron has managed to make 24 looks rather than just the requisite 10.

Moving to Emilio, he asks “Haven’t we seen this before?” Emilio takes this in stride, having realized that there’s often a disconnect between Tim’s opinion of things and the judges. This is both the wisest and most measured thing Emilio has said about Tim in several episodes.

To Mila, he merely reiterates the judges’ comments about the styling, and warns her to roughen it up. This is because everyone knows she doesn’t have a prayer against Seth Aaron and Emilio. Why should he bother wasting his valuable words of Tim Gunnly wisdom on her?

Then he tells them all to use the Bluefly Wall thoughtfully, and enjoy their last night at the Westin, and to take the Tylenol Rapid Release if they get stress headaches, or maybe pour themselves a nice glass of Yellow Tail Pinot Noir, and think about a relaxing bath with a full bottle of Calagon suds, and to make sure to eat a balanced breakfast, including Cheerios, a Thomas’s English Muffin, and Minute Maid Orange Juice before they head for the Tents in their Lexuses tomorrow.

Or at least half of that anyway. And he gives them their group hug. It’s nice to see him giving them a group hug again – I feel like we didn’t get that last season.

The designers head off to model casting, and watch several quite thin girls parade before themselves. I take this opportunity to eat another piece of chocolate peanut butter gooey cake.

And then they have their L’Oreal consultations with Collier Strong. This is like one fucking endless commercial.

The Models arrive for their fittings. Kristina thinks Seth Aaron is a genius. Emilio is condensing work with a very short amount of time.

And then they have their Garnier consult. Sweet merciful Jesus. Commercial.

Back! Westin! Day of show at 2:40 in the morning. We see Seth Aaron waking up, and learn that he apparently sleeps in his skinny jeans. Mila can’t wait to get going. They say goodbye to the Westin, and head for the tents.

On arrival at the tents, Seth Aaron says “now it’s sinking in.” He then flops down on the runway and makes “runway angels.” It’s adorable. If you didn’t know he was going to win before the episode started, this would be a dead giveaway.

Backstage! Fashion flurry! Clothes are being steamed. 3 of Mila’s models and one of Emilio’s models are missing. I can only assume this will be used to create tension and drama! Commercial!

Back! 30 minutes to runway! The models are still missing! Oh noes! Tim. . . pulls the alternates.

And that’s it. That’s the whole “ack! Missing models! Stress!” sequence. It is EMBARRASSING that Lifetime couldn’t make more out of that. Someone should be fucking fired.


Outside in the audience, the ousted contestants arrive. The judges take to the runway. Heidi, in some sort of weird dress with a pattern that I think is meant to evoke Navajo rugs, but fails, introduces the judges – Nina, Kors, and Faith Hill.

Let’s start the show! Seth Aaron’s models walk first. His collection is inspired by 1940’s German and Russian Military Uniforms. That’s. . .cheery. I wonder if his Spring line will be called “Springtime for Hitler.” But anyway, his clothes are:

1. A very 40’s looking bright red wool dress with patterned tights.
2. A structured houndstooth pants suit with very Joan Crawford shoulders on the jacket
3. A floaty houndstooth tunic

4. A black and white checked dress that just makes me think “fifties picnic,” but in an awesome way. I love the shape of this dress, and the checked pattern makes it very retro, but the strong visual you get from the black and white keeps it from being complete ‘50’s drag.
5. A dress that looks like black laquer

6. A very fitted yellow plaid suit. This is not only my favorite of his looks; it’s probably my favorite single look of any collection since Laura’s. When I was a wee young thing, I had the Tom Tierney Coco Chanel paper dolls, and one of the early looks was a suit that looked very much like this, except in a soft pink, and with an ankle length hobble skirt. This suit, to me, is the perfect example of what retro should be – referential of earlier things; immediately calling classic looks to mind; but not a rip off.
7. The same yellow plaid in pants with a black coat.
8. A grey dress
9. A grey coat dress
10. A purple dress with tiers.

Next up is Mila, who tells us once again that her collection is inspired by shadows. She thanks her parents and her young (looking?) boyfriend. Her looks are:

1. A grey coat dress
2. A grey coat with a houndstooth dress under it.

3. The striped dress I’ve been in love with since Tim’s home visits. Seth Aaron’s yellow suit is my favorite outfit to look at, but this dress is the one I would buy and wear the hell out of.
4. White pants with a nicely structured black coat
5. A grey coat dress with what looks to be a removable knit cowl.
6. A black top and skirt.
7. A striped top with tragic black bike pants. Please go to mylifetime.com and look for the picture of this outfit. It’s proof positive that no one, not even a model, looks good in bike pants (in fact, I kind of think the model with her skinny legs looks even worse in bike pants than most people)
8. A neat graphic top with leggings
9. A hideous purple striped dress
10. The awesome “fish eye” cocktail dress we saw as part of her mini-collection last week.

And then there’s Maude. Or Emilio. His collection is called “Color Me Bad.” We predictably react to this by immediately breaking into a chorus of “ooooOOOOoooooOOOOoooo! I wanna sex you up! (tick tock, ya don’t stop!),” complete with choreography. It was pretty awesome. Anyway. Emilio was inspired by his mom and aunts. His looks are

1. A pea green coat with one of his “esosa” print dresses underneath. I have mixed feelings about this look – I don’t like the coat OR the dress alone (I think the dress is horribly ugly, in fact), but I like the combo of them together. It makes a very strong graphic impression.
2. A red dress with a very ‘40’s silhouette.
3. A blue coat with black pants
4. A red coat with turquoise accents and an “esosa” dress
5. A green and black ‘40’s silhouette skirt suit with kicking red gloves.
6. A turquoise turtleneck dress.
7. A red top and black skirt
8. A black pantsuit with an “esosa” blouse
9. A tacky ass miniskirt with pockets – who in fuck puts pockets on a skirt that gynecologicaly short? – with a black coat
10. An ugly gold dress that one of my friends automatically dubs “Bed, Bath, and Beyonce.” It's so tacky, and so nouveau, and so incongruous with most of the rest of his collection.

Now comes the part where they get the opinions of the famous and semi famous in the audience. Joanna Coles liked Mila’s dress. Noted Fashion Photographer Nigel Barker likes Seth Aaron. Anthony and Raven Symone like Emilio. Howard Stern’s wife likes Seth Aaron. Irina likes Mila.

Commercial! We take our heavily scientific poll of who will win and who should win. All ten of us think that Seth Aaron is going to win, but only five of us think he should win. The other five vote for Mila.

Back! Parsons! Heidi congratulates them all on an amazing show, and Faith Hill says she was very impressed. This, by the way, is the closest thing to a substantive comment that Faith Hill will contribute. Why is she here again? Why do they keep having such useless guest judges? Bring back the crazy haired British lady from last season.

Anyway, Nina says they were all consistent throughout the season, and Kors was blown away.


They start their critique with Seth Aaron. Kors tells him he knows how to craft clothes beautifully, and put on a powerful show filled with clothes people would wear. Nina tells him she loved the Parachute dress, and Faith Hill agrees that she “would wear it in a heartbeat.” Nina glares at her for continuing the pattern of critiques on this show that don’t actually say anything, and continues that there was a bit of a heavy hand in some outfits. Heidi is unsure about the purple. Oh, crap, I agree with Heidi.


Moving to Emilio, Heidi asks him “why color me bad?” This prompts another impromptu jam session from us, so we don’t hear his answer.

Anyway, Faith Hill says she was just knocked out by the coats, and likes the sleeve length. Then they all “oooOOOOoooooOOOo” over the “esosa” print. (They don’t, however, mention wanting to sex him up)

Kors tells him his collection was the most commercial, but he loves the least commercial look in the bunch – that ugly ass Beyonce dress. Nina says it was an extremely sophisticated collection, but a little heavy on suiting.

Finally, we move to Mila. Heidi says she really liked the show. Nina punches her for offering such insubstantial commentary.

Kors tells her “you killed the girl in the cage doing the frug,” and “whenever you played with shine, it really turned me on.” And Nina assures her “when you loosen up, it becomes a lot cooler.

They send the designers away so they can “deliberate.” And by “deliberate,” I mean “say completely insubstantial things about how all three should be proud of themselves before crowning the obvious, Lifetime endorsed victor.”

Heidi says she likes all 3, and Kors says all 3 should feel a real sense of accomplishment and pride. Jesus, what’s next. “The designers also all interact well with their peers, although Mila only gets a ‘Satisfactory’ in citizenship.”

Nina then says that Mila’s was the culmination of what she’s been saying all season, and not surprising. Heidi was similarly unsurprised by Seth Aaron. Kors WAS surprised by his level of sophistication, and thinks that it was polished and expensive looking, but still had his flavor. Nina says that Seth Aaron has guts and is fearless.

Faith Hill continues to be knocked out by Emilio and his ugly ass Beyonce gown. Kors says that he went the opposite route by going more commercial with his collection. He also says it was “a line; not a collection” and wants to know where the drama was.

Then Heidi asks whether they should consider today only, or the whole season. They never seem to arrive at an answer to this. Commercial.

Back. Heidi tells them there will be only one winner. Seth Aaron maintained his signature style and took it to the next level. Emilio showed taste and craftsmanship, and has always impressed them. They think his point of view has a real place in fashion. Mila took her ‘60’s aesthetic and put a unique spin on it.

However, she’s out. Mila leaves the stage, saying she thinks she showed it’s never too late to follow your dreams. Her mom tells her “you’re still a winner.” Aw. Inaccurate, but sweet.

So it’s down to Seth Aaron and Emilio. Heidi tells them they’re both deserving, but only one can win. And it’s .. .

Oh, come on. You don’t even get a drumroll there. It’s Seth Aaron. Duh.

Emilio looks wrecked. He tells us “in the words of our wisest contestant Anthony Williams, you don’t have to have the crown to be the king.” Um, I think Anthony said queen, but whatever. Emilio then cries. A lot. It’s kind of sad, if he wasn’t such a dick.

Seth Aaron’s model and family come out. He tells us that “love for what you do pays off.” Everyone hugs, and one of my friends remarks “well, that’s 14 Thursdays I’ll never get back.”

So that's it, my loves and crazy Ohioan stalkers. It's been real! See you for Season 8, I think. Maybe.

Top Chef, Masters: Drama-Rama by Bravo.

I was thinking about this while I watched the last few minutes of last week’s episode, and I realized that one of the things that makes Top Chef, Masters different is that it’s the only “Celebrity” version of a show that features people who are actually at the height of their fame in their field. The people on Celebrity Fit Club, Celebrity Apprentice. . .and obviously, Celebrity Rehab. . .their best days are all behind them, so there’s very little they can lose by making a typical reality show asshole of themselves. I think that’s why you see – generally – such a high level of cooperation and professionalism among the Masters cheftestants. Their behavior on this show could impact a thriving business.

I was thinking that. . . and then the new episode happened. Yeah, that episode. The one that sacrificed all professionalism and cooperation on the altar of the Ludo and Moonen show.

UGH. How tiresome was all that cock waving to watch? And it seriously cut into the commentary from the critics – each chef got pretty much one comment. And that’s in an episode with the highest rated food so far. I want to hear more about that, not about who hates each other and who gets to do feesh and cheeps.

I’m not saying I don’t love me some drama, and that I don’t often think that Top Chef, Masters could benefit from a teaspoon more of it. But there’s a teaspoon of drama and then there’s an hour of screaming, swearing, and unintelligible French accents. This was the latter.

And then there were the housewives. Oh, the housewives. I’m not going to pretend I don’t watch, but it’s a franchise that seems to exist for the sole purpose of giving me agita. And the OC brain trust are the worst of them. Yes, the worst. Worse than all the finger-waving and neck-rolling in Atlanta; worse than the table-flipping in New Jersey; worse than the product-placement in New York. At least the women from those shows have some form of character; the OC beasts are just varying degrees of blonde, booth tanned, silicone laden tack, experiencing varying degrees of broke assedness and trying to clutch their Juicy Couture track pants as the bailiffs come and evict them from a seemingly endless series of high-end rental homes.

I would lesbian-marry ANY of the ladies from the other shows and let them live in my studio apartment with me and throw a party every night that got crashed by those DC Housewives Party Crashers before I’d spend 20 seconds watching the Orange County housewives try to wrap their palates around food that doesn’t come from Chilis (or, in some of their cases, food that doesn’t come in a Margarita glass with a twirly straw).

So you’re on notice, Top Chef, Masters. Get back with the program. Bring back the class.

Los Angeles! Top Chef, Masters kitchen! Tonight, 6 chefs we saw competing in the FIRST season of Top Chef, Masters will try for a second chance to make the Champions’ Round. And they are:

1) Rick Moonen, who didn’t finish the quickfire challenge in Season 1.
2) Wylie Dufresne, who you may know from being on Top Chef as a judge as well as leaving the chicken off Rayner’s plate during the LOST challenge
3) Graham Elliot Bowles, who wants to humiliate Wylie Dufresne by beating his score again.
4) Jonathan Waxman, who is totally famous from the ‘80’s, and who I love.
5) Mark Peel, who got blindsided by the clock last time
And 6) Ludo Lefebvre, who’s an annoying little Frenchman who swears a lot.

K-Choi enters and welcomes them back. Graham tells us that he is competing for the American Heart Association again. His nephew is still waiting for a heart transplant. Aw man. I hope when he comes back for Top Chef Masters 3, there’s good news on that front.


It’s quickfire time! This involves a twist. I know, I know – don’t they ALL involve twists? But this one literally involves a twist, in the cocktail sense – the chefs walk into a room with a looooooot of booze. So they’ll be doing the season 3 challenge where they had to create a dish and a complimentary cocktail. Casey won the original with a Foie Gras dish and a Strawberry Gin Rickey. It’s in the Quickfire Cookbook. I kind of want to make it.

So their challenge is to create a dish to pair with a Stoli cocktail. They’ll have some help from award winning mixologist Charlotte Voise will be helping. Or, K-Choi calls it “help” – what it really means is that Charlotte mixes up a shit-ton of cocktails for them, and they all get to sample all of them. Waxman jokes “8 o’clock in the morning. Not a bad way to start the day.” He’s competing for CityMeals on Wheels again.

They keep drinking. Moonen asks if they get a nap before doing the quickfire. Finally, they select their drinks. Graham will use the Coriander Mule. Rick chooses the Forest Fruit. Waxman takes the Lemongrass Mojito while Ludo takes the Nutmeg Mojito. Wylie picks something called the “Russian Tea Room” while Mark Peel takes the “Ginger Figgle.”

Confession: I did a find and replace this morning, and without thinking, told it to replace all instances of "GG" with "Gael Greene's Hat." So that briefly read "Ginger FiGael Greene's Hatle," and I considered leaving it that way.

K-Choi tells them the diners will be the Real Housewives of OC and Gael Greene. Oy. Kill me. I hope Gael Greene's Hat torments those silicone filled leatherette hag-bags mercilessly.

The chefs have 45 minutes to cook. Food flurry! Rick is making a strawberry shortcake, even though he knows in his heart that’s a bad idea. Peel is making a mussels custard with figs. Something about the term “mussels custard” just sounds awful. He’s competing for Doctors Without Borders again. And again, this makes me think of nothing more than Ian from Port Charles, who was with Doctors without Borders before coming to Port Charles and having a brief stint as a normal soap opera character before Port Charles went all completely Dark Shadows style off the rails and he became a vampire.

Wylie discusses his plans to kick Elliot’s ass and win for Autism Speaks. Waxman thinks the others are making things too hard for themselves, telling us “Housewives of Orange County do not want to sit and eat a big plate of food. They want Little tidbits.” He finishes with 20 minutes left in the time they’re allotted.

Periodically, Jonathan Waxman will say something so absolutely true that you have to imagine it with the old "The More You Know" chimes playing in the background. We'll call those times "Waxman's Wisdom."

Moonen discusses his desire to beat Ludo “My leetle Frainch nemesseess.” He doesn’t care for Frenchy’s bitching and moaning.

Time! Moonen is thrilled to have actually made something this time.

K-Choi welcomes Lynne Curtin, Tamara Barney, and Alexis “Jugs for Jesus” Bellino. Gael Greene is also there wearing a stellar pink hat. Fact: there are more brain cells in one square inch of Gael Greene’s hat than there are in all three of these Housewives put together.

I would just like to point out that these are three of the women who made stupid fucking assholes of themselves at Hubert Keller’s Fleur de Lis, including the one – yes, Jugs, we’re looking at you – who spit out a piece of his foie gras.

Not only do they have NO BUSINESS AT ALL judging anything remotely resembling a culinary competition, they flat out shouldn’t be allowed around food, period. Just let them live on boxed pinot and Nutri System shakes and tell them it’s high end and gourmet. Slap a Vuitton label on it and charge them $175, and they’ll be convinced it must be good.

First they eat Wylie’s Russian Tea Room accompanied by Arctic Char with Lentils, Bacon, Crispy Potatoes and Lemon Yogurt. Tamara thinks it’s to die for. Gael Greene’s Hat thinks the pairing with the cocktail is off, and suddenly Tamara changes her mind. Fact: Gael Greene’s Hat has the power of mind control over children, small dogs, and Tamara Barney. The children and small dogs are way more of a challenge.

Waxman’s Lemongrass Mojito with Pork Tenderloin and Poblano Stuffed Shrimp with Avocado Butter is next. Gael Greene’s hat says that the “pork is so perfectly cooked.” Alexis tells us “pork is not something I eat much of,” so it’s not her favorite.

Then we have Mark’s Ginger Figgle (Ginger FiGael Greene’s Hatle) and Mussel Custard with Lime and figs. Gael Greene’s Hat loves the texture of the custard. Tamara doesn’t like the ginger in the dish.

Moving to Moonen’s Forest Fruits with Cream Biscuit Berry Shortcake. They love the dessert. Lynne slurs “thish ish frozhen yogurt, riiiiiigh?” fretting that it won’t be on her weight watchers plan otherwise. Gael Greene’s Pink Hat gives her a look of disgust. Sadly, the Hat’s disgust isn’t quite potent enough to dehydrate Lynne entirely, leaving behind only a small pile of tan dust and two implants, but it does cause her already craptastic facelift to droop a little further.

Then they have Graham’s Coriander Mule with Crudo of Black Cod with an Edamame and Red Onion Salad. The housewives spend the next 75 minutes struGael Greene’s Hatling to pronounce edamame. Once they get this out of the way and manage to eat some of it, it transpires that Alexis likes it, but the others find it too strong.

Finally, they have Ludo’s Nutmeg Apple Mojito withRoasted Pork Chop with Rosemary, Thyme and Garlic. Tamara finds the ginger not overpowering, but Gael thinks it’s too much. Alexis says the drink doesn’t go with the pork. Lynne says she’s not the best judge of pork, because “I don’t really eat red meat.” Somewhere in the universe, baby Jesus cries silently about how dumb these women are.

In the back, Ludo astutely points out that these women “don’ know wha’ the fuck they’re talking about.” I have a rare moment of liking Ludo, because he’s dead on. He’s competing for Chase for Life.

Score time! K-Choi tells them that 5 received four stars and one received 5 stars.

The chef with the perfect score was. . . .

Commercial. But I bet it’s Moonen. These bitches are too stupid to appreciate anything more complex than a strawberry shortcake.

Back. And the perfect score goes to. . . .Jonathan! Wow! Yay! I didn’t give them enough credit. He gets $5000 for Meals on Wheels.

Moonen is pissed that Waxman finished 20 minutes early and still won.

But now it’s elimination challenge time. And they’re going to the pub. Wow, this is the episode where you either win money for your charity or a free trip to Promises for yourself, I guess. Their challenge is to create an upscale version of a traditional pub dish. I LOVE THIS. I love the challenges this year – grilled cheese, soul food, and now pub grub? It’s like they’re speaking directly to me.

Jonathan gets to choose his dish since he won the quickfire, and he picks Shepherd’s Pie. Ludo and Rick fight over fish and chips. Ludo tells us “ze guy’s a master of feesh. You need to poot heem een zis uncomfortable zone. I wanna see Reeck take some meet. But, Reeck an-seests, like a leetle child ‘I want mah feesh an’ cheeps, I want zees.’ Ok, take it bro.”

Ultimately, Rick gets fish and chips, and the rest of them sort out what they’ll be making. They will be working at one of “America’s top Irish establishments, Tom Bergin’s Tavern.”

Shopping. They have 45 minutes and $250. Mark Peel plans to make seafood sausage for his version of toad in a hole. Moonen resents the intrusion into his seafood. He wants to win for Three Square. Wylie jokingly offers to help Ludo read the bags of vegetables. “These are carrots.” “oh yeah, you can take eet an enjoy yourself tonight,” Ludo fires back. Another rare moment where I like Ludo --go Frenchy! He says it’s going to be hard to beat him this time because he’s really going to take a risk.

Back to the kitchen where they have 2 hours to prep. Graham informs us that “kidneys fucking suck to clean.” He’s trying to mask the flavor rather than showcasing them as they traditionally are in the pie. Waxman says he isn’t trying to razzle-dazzle anyone with his shepherd’s pie.

One hour! Moonen works to add flavor to his crust for the fish. He thinks Ludo is uncomfortable with the concept of the challenge. Ludo says there’s no love in Irish stew and “I want poot love een mah deesh.”

Time! Peel feels very good – he’s finished 80% of what he needs to do. And thank god, we don’t get the dire foreshadowing shots of left behind food this time. Commercial.

Back! Day of. The Chefs roll up to Tom Bergin’s tavern, which Wylie says looks like a place with some soul. They have an hour to cook. Ludo regards Rick as his biggest (or biGael Greene’s Hatest) competition, and doesn’t think it’s fair that Rick gets to do something so completely in his wheelhouse when Ludo doesn’t get to do French food. Half of me thinks he’s right, and the other half of me wants to smack him and tell him to stop his whining. Moonen thinks his dish will put him on the winning platform. He feels confident he can win out over all the chefs. 10 minutes.

Mark Peel’s oven is cold, so he turns it up to 475. Ludo keeps hassling people trying to find a place to work. Graham wants to hit him. Peel’s Yorkshire puddings “are solidified dough, and there’s nothing I can do.”

Time! Ludo serves first. The critics this week are Rayner, Gail Simmons, and Gael Greene with a kicky red hat. I love the dual Gail/Gael episodes. It’s like you get twice the Gail/Gael for your dollar.

Ludo introduces his lighter version of Irish Stew: Beef Tenderloin with Confit of Potatoes and Clarified Butter, Roasted Peanut MIso and Caramel of Guinness. Gael finds it bizarre that there are uncooked vegetables in the stew. Gail likes the Guinness and honey glaze. Nom. Who WOULDN’T like a Guinness and honey glaze? Rayner says “there would be a riot in a pub” if you served them this. As if on cue, some old geezer pipes up “This is not Irish stew!”

I want to be that geezer. Top Chef DC needs to film a Commonwealth challenge tout de suite – if they do it at 6:30 on a week night, I’m there half the time anyway.

Next is Rick’s Fish and Chips inspired Chicken Fried Sable Fish with Lemon Confit Tartar Sauce, Twice Fried Potatoes and Fennel Slaw. Rayner likes the fish and the salad. Gail finds the potatoes difficult to eat and a little hard.

They move on to Wylie’s Bangers and Mash inspired Merguez Bangers, Smoked Mashed Potatoes, Onion Jus and Snow Peas. YUM. Gael Greene’s Hat thinks the spiciness of the sausage is wonderful. Rayner likes his jus and that it’s recognizably Bangers and Mash

Then we have is Graham’s Steak & Kidney Pie inspired Free Form Steak and Kidney Pie, Roasted Beef Tenderloan, Chanterelle Puree and Bacon-Kidney Viniagrette. Tenderloan? Tenderloan??? Bravo, please take out a tenderloan and pay for spelling lessons for your interns. Anyway, Gael Greene’s Hat thinks his meat is perfectly rare, but doesn’t know why he killed the taste of the kidneys. Rayner likes the chantrelle cream.

Mark brings out his Toad in the Hole inspired Toad in the Hole with Seafood Sausage, Onion Sauce, Lobster Broth and Mustard Greens. Please just enjoy the picture of this dish for a moment so you can fully appreciate how phallic it is.


Rayner says the dough portion isn’t a traditional Yorkshire pudding. Gail realizes it’s not cooked through. They like his greens and onion sauce.

Finally, we have Waxman’s Shepherd’s Pie inspired Shepherds Pie with Lamb, Mashed Potatoes and Parmesan Cheese. Gael says the lamb couldn’t have been juicier. Rayner says it’s the essence of Shepherd’s Pie.

The assorted geezers and pub attendees fill out their comment cards, and the critics prepare to head back to the table. Commercial!

Fake back! Wylie says there’s a lot of mystery surrounding Mr. Waxman. Waxman says “when I get in the zone, ingredients just talk to me.. . it’s like a kaleidoscope of beautiful things.” Wylie says “He’s got a little Gandalf in him.” It’s nice that all the chefs seem to be as in love with Jonathan Waxman as I am.

Back! Ludo and Moonen have an exceedingly stupid fight that we’ve already seen most of in the commercials. It’s basically Ludo talking and Moonen shouting “I am talking here!” It makes me dislike them both intensely.

Critics’ Table. They begin with Ludo. Gael asks where the lemongrass came from.

Gail says there’s no way that dish was Irish stew. Ludo fights back a little. Ludo must’ve pissed in the Bravo producers’ cornflakes the last time he was on the show, because they really seem to hate him. They’re editing him so that he looks like an out of control lunatic. Or. . . that’s just who he is, and they love him for giving them so much material to work with.

Moving on to Mark’s Toad in the Hole, Gael Greene’s Hat calls it “a beautiful well brought up sausage in an unpleasant environment.” K-Choi says his greens were a highlight.

Next is Waxman. Gail says everything on the plate was “flavorful, robust and exciting.”

Wylie explains his use of merguez sausage in his dish. Rayner said he liked it very much, but found the sausage a little dry.

Graham explains what he did to the kidneys. Rayner says “You hate kidneys, don’t you?” Graham admits he’s not a fan. Gail defends him a little, saying the flavor was there and good.

We finish up with Rick. Rayner calls his dish a “21st century version of fish and chips,” but Gail says the chips were a little thick and “unruly to eat.”

K-Choi asks how they felt about their second time on Top Chef Masters. This is where we see the heavily previewed moment where Graham Elliot Bowles compares Waxman to Kenobi. Gail dryly says “may the force be with you” as they’re sent back to the kitchen to drink.

Ludo then goes on the stereotypical French douchebag rant about how “eEEngleesh peeeple ‘ave no taste. . .I mean, whadju wan’ to do weeth these fucking food, man? Eees fucking disgusting.”

Back in the Critics’ Table Room, Gael Greene’s Hat calls his stew a “United Nations dish,” because it has something from every country he’s ever been to. Except, of course Ireland. Meanwhile, Ludo continues on his tear about how the English – and therefore Jay – are jealous of the French – and therefore him – because the French have culture, while the English apparently have nothing.

Sigh.

It is taking every bone in my body – and remember, as many of those bones are French as English – not to say something along the lines of “you’d be speaking fucking German if it wasn’t for us, you stupid fucking Frog bastard, so wrap your wine-drenched Gauloise stinking 'culture' around that and smoke it, or stick it up your arse. No one gives a flying shit.”

Back at Critics’ Table, Rayner calls Mark’s pudding “a staggering" (or a staGael Greene’s Hatering) "unmitigated disaster.” Gail loved Jonathan’s stew and the potato puree. Gael Greene’s Hat found Wylie’s dish restrained, for him, while Gail found his banger a little overcooked.

Gail says the steak in Graham’s pie was perfect, but his kidneys were problematic because he doesn’t like them. She also says Rick’s fish was great, but the chips were not. Gael Greene’s Hat agrees.

K-Choi calls the chefs back in. One of them will win $10,000 and two will move on to the champion’s round.

They start with Jonathan. Gail gives him 4 stars; Gael Greene’s Hat 5; Jay 5; and the diners 4.5 stars. His total 18.5/20. He’s the winner! Yay!!!!!! I love him.

Commercial!

Back! More scores. Mark gets 3 stars from Rayner; 2.5 from Gail; 3 from Gael Greene's Hat; and 1 (OUCH) from the diners. His total is 9.5.

Moving to Ludo, Gail gives him 3; Gael Greene's Hat gives him 3; Rayner gives him 3, and the diners give him 2. A total of 11. Mark is out. He reflects that the one point from the diners is the one that hurts.

Graham gets 3.5 from Gael Greene's Hat; 2.5 from Rayner; 3 from Gail; and 4.5 from the diners. Whoa. His total is 13.5. Ludo is out. Good. Suck it, Froggie. Or as this briefly read, "suck it, "FroGael Greene’s Hatie".

Wylie gets 4 from Gael Greene's Hat; 3.5 from Ryner; 3.5 from Gael; and 3.5 from the diners. That was consistent. So he beats Graham by one point. So now they have to come back next season and see who gets the best 2/3.

Finally, Rick gets 4 from Rayner; 4 from Gail; 4 from Gael Greene's Hat, and 4 from the diners for a total of 16. So Rick is moving on, which I have mixed feelings about. I really liked him last season, but this season he was just a dick.

K-Choi sends them back to the kitchen. Ludo also swears to come back again and win, even if he has to be on Top Chef Masters 10.

Next time! THE CAST OF MODERN FAMILY!!!! Yay!!! And then my DVR cuts out.

Diversion!

So I initially saw this last week on NPR's Monkey See blog, and I thought "huh. Cute."

And then I got distracted and forgot about it, until I checked in one morning late last week, and after I'd blinked twice to clear my eyes of sleep and wonder what sort of personality flaw or quantity of alcohol prompts people to go around leaving clever and substantive comments like "you're still a fucking bitch" on complete strangers' blogs (especially ones in which -- and this is just my opinion, mind you -- I was actually way less of a fucking bitch than usual). . .anyway, after I'd woken up a bit, I noticed an ad for it here, right here, on my very blog.

At any rate, I thought I'd give it a shot. And I think you should too. It's fun, and harmless.




I actually tried using searches from my defunct "Q&A" feature, but the problem is it won't let you use inappropriate terms, like midget porn or douchebag or pube beard or menstruation or penis. And it is amazingly really hard to find searches that hit on this blog without using at least one of those.

Fortunately, they've not yet caught on to C-Nugget. So I've circumvented their attempts at censorship. Mwa hah ha ha ha.

Project Runway: The Most Predictable Episode in History?

Oh, Jay Nicholas,
It was inevitable:
You are not a girl.

I. . . don't know that I can comment beyond that.

Let's take a look at this episode: Tim goes to visit the families. Tim gets along with some designers, shocks others with his advice, chafes with the one he's been chafing with all along. The designers come back to New York, they have their little show down, and Mila wins so that Lifetime doesn't have an all-penis final 3 on its hands.

Yawn.

The only thing surprising about this episode was the sight of Tim Gunn on a trampoline.

Anyway. I'm not going to act like I'm all broken up about Jay leaving, as I really haven't been partial to most of his clothes. I do think they're consistently well made and show range, though, which is more than you can say for some of Mila's.

And I'll even say this: I liked the 3 looks Mila showed better than the ones Jay showed (for the most part). So I can see a case being made for her winning this farcical little face off.

I still don't think we should've gotten to this face off in the first place, though. Jay's outfit in the circus challenge was better, and they should've just given him the win and the entry to Bryant Park off the bat rather than treading back down this well worn path.

But they didn't, so. . .

New York! Parsons! A heavily pregnant Heidi trots out in one of her usual inappropriate sheer animal print smocks, and greets them. She tells them that they'll each have $9000 and 4 months to create a ten piece collection for fashion week. She then reminds Mila and Jay that only one of them will show in the finale (except for the fact that the top 6 million designers showed, and this is all a fabric of lies so thin that you couldn't get away with wearing to any office in America, but I digress). When they return to New York, the two of them will each show three looks to the judges, and those will be used to decide who moves on.

Tim emerges from behind the scrim, as he does once a season. Tim is like the Puxatawney Pete of Project Runway -- if he sees his shadow, you'll be allowed to leave New York and return home to work on your collection. If he doesn't, there'll be six more challenges in which you have to make clothes out of things like rubber plants and old prison uniforms. He tells the designers that he's proud of them, and will visit them all at their homes.

The designers return to the Atlas apartments and proceed to pack up the last few months of their lives. Seth Aaron shoves Jay in a closet. I'm tempted to make a joke about how this is probably the first time in awhile Jay's been in a closet, but a) too easy, and b) still working on about 3 hours of sleep per night. Seth Aaron also packs up the giant stuffed sheep we saw him with earlier in the season. Aw. They say their goodbyes.

Now, suddenly, it's 3 months later, and Tim is arriving in Vancouver, WA. He approaches a house with a huge "Beware Attack Squirrel" sign, which I kind of want, and meets up with Seth Aaron. Seth Aaron takes him to see his collection. So far, he's made 15 pieces, and he wants to take 20 to New York and edit there. He tells us he doesn't just want to win the competition, he wants to stomp the competition.

Tim says that the collection is beautiful, but not in a winning collection way because it's too much like what he did during the season's challenges, and won't surprise the judges. He needs to stretch himself.

Seth Aaron is a little gobsmacked by all this advice.

We then move on to the happy family portion of the visit, and see what may be the most wholesome family-fun-time scene in the history of Project Runway. Tim is introduced to Seth Aaron's wife, kids, and mother-in-law. They play Pictionary -- PICTIONARY!! -- and Tim guesses that something is supposed to be "fallopian tubes" (it's a stethescope). Then Seth Aaron and his son (who is kind of cute, in a jailbaity way) take Tim on a trampoline. Tim immediately falls over.

Wholesome family fun time over, Tim returns to New York to meet up with Emilio. We then get one of the more awkward family scenes ever, as rather than having a meal or playing Pictionary, Tim meets up with Emilio's brothers on a bridge. It's. . .odd. Anyway, the brothers look like beardless versions of Emilio, and they all talk about how their father is from the Dominican Republic, and taught them all a good work ethic while they were growing up in the South Bronx in the '70's.

Emilio takes Tim to see his new collection, which is inspired by color. That's. .. an odd and unspecific thing to be inspired by, in my opinion. Tim asks if the entire collection is a nod to the '40's. What we see of the collection is rather odd -- there are a lot of pieces where I like the shape but not the colors, and others where I like the colors but not the shape.

We also see that he's created another one of his ugly ass "esosa" prints, and something he's calling "spray painted brocade."

Tim and Emilio then get into a little tiff. Tim says the collection has a "serious absence of sophistication," and that the clothes "look old." Emilio tells the campera "I'm creating a collection for women, and as far as I know, Tim Gunn doesn't wear women's clothing." Oh, darling. The flaws in that logic are just spectacular. Commercial.

Back! Tim goes to visit Mila. . .somewhere. We miss the little tag that tells you what city he's in, but we all think it's LA. He meets her adorable dalmation, Ziggy. I find it humorous that even Mila's dog is black and white.

Mila's collection is all about shadows. Looking at it on the forms, there are parts of it I quite like. . .and other parts I think need serious editing (like there's a dress that would be super cute if it didn't have sheer fabric with diagonal stripes forming the sleeves and back, which takes it to an awful '80's place).

Tim thinks that some of the clothes are "conservative, even going on a little matronly," but I'm too busy coveting a white sweater to think about the rest of what he says.

They then talk about the showdown with Jay. Mila interviews "I don't want to lose to that little [bleep]." We find ourselves watching this segment a couple of times, hoping that what Mila is saying is just "fucker" and not something more offensive.

Mila takes Tim to meet her mom and dad, who are younger looking than I'd expected. He also gets to meet her boyfriend, Matthew, who I think may just be flat out younger than you might expect. Family photos, togetherness time, the usual snooze.

Finally, he goes to San Francisco to meet Jay. Jays looks are so unfinished that they appear to be crotchless. Tim raves over a purple wrap sweater, but questions the gimmicky sleeves. I hate disagreeing with Tim, but without the gimmicky sleeves, it's just a purple wrap sweater.

Tim sums up the collection by saying that "so many wonderful things happen, and then it goes a little cuckoo." Jay informs him "it's Cuckoo Chanel, girl." Adorable. Jay already wins second prize for best home visit. There's no trampoline or pictionary, but there are good lines.

Then Tim goes to meet Jay's mom, dad, aunt, and partner, and gets to eat some Phillipino delicacies. Oh, I hope it's ballout, or however you spell it. Unhatched bird fetus.

Jay's mom says that she's praying for Jay's dreams to come true. Jay then cries and says in an interview that he wants to win to pay his parents back. This is when we know for sure that he's going home.

And then suddenly, we're back in New York. MIla is the first to arrive at their hotel, followed closely by Jay. There's some awkwardness about the fact that they've hated each other, and now they're roommates. Oh, THAT's not at all contrived. Commercial.

Back. Jay and Mila talk over how weird it is that they never really got to know each other during the competition. Now, within 5 seconds, they've suddenly seen a whole new side to each other. Charming how that works, no?

Seth Aaron arrives next in an awful Freddy Kruger hat, followed shortly by Emilio. Tim tells them all to enjoy the hotel and all of its wonderful opportunities for product placement, because tomorrow it's back to work.

Next day! Back to Parsons, where Mila and Jay find themselves sharing a work table just to underline the fact that only one of them is moving on. Tim enters and tells them that today is the day Mila and Jay will have their showdown. They have 3 hours to fit their models and send them to hair and makeup and all the usual blah blah.

There's a fashion flurry, during which Jay's shinguards don't zip on Britney's ginormous model legs, and Mila worries about Jay's looks being more colorful. Oh, fear not, Mila. A dash or two of color will never defeat you and your vagina. Not on Lifetime. Commercial!

Back! An unpregnant Heidi greets Jay and Mila on the runway. The judges for this event are just Michael and Nina.

Mila shows her three looks. There's an awesome black and grey coat that I covet the hell out of, but the dress underneath is just awful. There's a cute striped sweater coat with leggings, and then there's a completely badass shimmery cocktail dress with a kind of fisheye pattern and an attached asymetrical black pattent leather choker.

Jay's looks are next. The first is a very short purple vest-dress with interesting structural pockets. Then there's a silver top with black pants, which frankly is kind of ugly. Finally, there are some slick red pants with a military styled jacket, and the aforementioned shin guards.

The judges start with Mila, who talks about being inspired by shadow. Heidi likes the pieces, and thinks the three looks are different but cohesive. Kors says they give off a very 60's vibe, and that different styling would make them look less retro. Nina tells her that she loved the use of separates, but worries about the limitations of black and white. Kors loves her gloves. They are pretty slick.

Moving onto Jay, he tells them his inspiration was the samurai. Heidi says he pumped up the volume. Kors loves the trousers, dress, and gaiters. Nina thinks he clearly has excellent tailoring skills and is innovative, but worries that his pieces don't connect. Heidi likes what he did because she loves short dresses (shocker) and offers some tacky ass ideas for improvement. Jay, you would be wise to ignore her. Kors ends by saying that there's nothing about the clothes that's retro at all.

They send the designers off so they can deliberate. Heidi takes a straw poll right off to see who favors who, the way they tell you NOT to do if you're on a homicide jury (trust). Kors says Jay, Heidi says Mila, and Nina is undecided.

Then there's a lot of deliberation, which basically goes like this:

Kors: Jay's looks are faaaaaaaaaaaaabulous!

Heidi: Yes, but Mila has da fahgina, vhich Lifetime vants us to keep. Sieg Heil!

Nina: How the fuck did I get involved with this mess? Oh well. It sells books.

Commercial.

Back. Heidi tells them that one is in and one is out, and if they look at their special bits and the network's slogan, they can probably figure out who's who without difficulty. She tells Mila that her line is impeccable with a distinct point of view, but they're worried it might be one-note. Jay's line is intriguing and has ideas, but is overdesigned.

So Mila and her vagina are in, and Jay is told to pack his penis and go. Oops, wrong show. Kind of.

Jay and Mila hug. Jay says he's numb and shocked. He goes backstage, where the boys hug him.

Heidi then gives Mila a tip: to make her styling more modern. This is true -- the point of retro is to be referential, not replication.

Jay says he feels like he's proven himself by making it this far.

Next time! Finale! 24 looks! Haven't we seen this before! 3 models haven't shown up! Faith Hill! Wait. . .Faith Hill?