Top Chef Masters: The Gods Must Be Crazy

Susan Feniger
Was the last lady standing
Shot down by sammich

(Pouts).

I hate this episode.

Not because it was a bad episode, but because it meant the end of Susan. Who I LOVE. Who is a total kick. Who, with her tininess and her sassiness and her ‘60’s cheerleading pictures kind of reminds me of my mom.

And I know – I know, I know, I know – that this season is probably heading toward a showdown between the three young-ish cocky bucks, and that this means the older, “cuddlier” contestants (the ladies and Tony and next week Jonathan) will have to go to make room for the Clash of the Titanic Egos that Bravo wants to set up as the endgame.

And I know that it had to be her or Jonathan this week, and he is still my absolute favorite; and it was his birthday.

But still. I’m haunted by one word: Why? Why Susan? Why wasn’t it me licking those envelopes? Why am I still here?

(Pouts)

Let’s take one last look at ‘60’s cheerleader Susan before we get down to business.

Ahhhhhh. It’s like a palate cleanser for my mopey-ness.

Los Angeles! Top Chef, Masters Kitchen! The five remaining chefs report for duty, and Jonathan says he’s happy to have made Final 5 but they’re down to his “fiercest competitors.” Rick is determined to step it up a notch.

K-Choi tells them to get their palates ready for the ultimate taste test – identifying ingredients. Susur is confident because he has a really good palate. Susan is freaked out because she hasn’t done classic sauces in 27 years. They draw pots to see who’s paired up and who gets a pass. Jonathan gets to sit out the first round. Rick says he’s always lucky because “he is Obi Wan. He’s got the Force.”

Susur and Marcus go first. Marcus says he has an impeccable palate, and he protects it by not smoking or drinking a lot. They taste for 15 seconds – their sauce is a blended chausseur. Susur says the trick is to taste only twice so you don’t overwhelm your palate. He thinks he can name 4 ingredients. Marcus show-case-showdowns him with 5, then Susur bumps to 6. Susur goes, and lists carrots, celery, onion, tomato, red wine vinegar. . .and vegetable oil. He moves on. He says “I’m the sauce tasting master.”

Rick and Susan come in for their round with the chausseur. Rick can’t tell what sort of sauce it’s meant to be, but thinks he can identify 3 ingredients. Susan goes to 4. Rick says 5. Susan says 6. Rick lets Susan go. She names onions, butter, salt. . .and her mind freezes up. She says red wine, and gets buzzer. K-Choi tells her there was “white wine and red wine vinegar, but no red wine.” Rick moves on.

For the next round, they ID ingredients one at a time, like a spelling bee. The sauce is Thai Green Curry. Rick opens with coconut milk; Jonathan says garlic; Susur says lemongrass. Then Rick says something that sounds like Weimaraner, but that can’t be right. Can it? Are there Weimaraner’s in Thai Green Curry?

I hope not, but whatever he said, it was right. Anyway. Jonathan says butter, and gets buzzed. No butter! There’s no butter in Thai Green Curry (it’s the Weimaraners that give it its creaminess).

Jonathan says he should’ve gone with ginger since a piece was stuck in his teeth. Susur says sugar. Ding! Susur and Rick move on to the final tasting.

The final sauce is a lobster sauce. Rick opens with tomato. Susur says lobster. Rick counters with white wine. Susur says garlic. BUZZ! Rick wins. Susur is “totally completely pissed. How the hell you make lobster sauce without garlic?”

Rick says it feels good to win because he thinks he played it smart. Commercial!

Back! Time for the elimination challenge. K-Choi says they’re giving them some “divine inspiration” and tells them to draw knives. Jonathan gets Poseidon; Susan gets Aphrodite; Marcus Ares; Rick Hades; and Susur Dionysus, which naturally, he can’t say. I call set up on this – after the laughs they got for his “aahhh…Margyu,” they absolutely weren’t going to give him Hera or something easy.

Susur tells us “When I look at da knife and I saw dis long writing I say ‘what the hell is that, looks like a ‘cyclopedia.”

K-Choi tells them their challenge is to cook a dish inspired by that god, and serve tasting portions to 50 diners. They’ll have a total of 4 hours to cook and prep. Susur has no idea who his god is.

Does anyone else find it suspect that there’s one goddess, and the one female cheftestant remaining got her? I mean, I know the other Greek goddesses aren’t necessarily intuitive to cook for (“in honor of Athena, goddess of wisdom, I have made you this delicious seared breast of owl…”), but that the one lady chef got the one lady god. . .again. Feels like a set up.

They head out to do their shopping. In their remorselessly shilled product-placement vehicles, Rick and Jonathan discuss their plans. Rick plans to do something spicy/diavolo to go with Hades, but still plans to do seafood. Jonathan tries to psyche him out into doing meat. They bump heads. Adorbs.

They arrive at Whole Foods with 45 minutes to shop and a budget of $500. Rick, Marcus, and Jonathan race for the seafood counter and fight over the scallops. Marcus plans on doing a tartar based dish because Ethiopian war-time dishes are done without fire so the enemy can’t see the smoke from your camp. Smart. Susan is doing a coconut jam toast because it’s “creamy and silky and sexual” and loaded with eggs to represent reproduction. Rick finds root vegetables to signify the underworld. He says he’s “feelin’ diabolical; lovin’ the role play.”
Susur is still confused “I have no fuckin’ clue of this character of Dionysus. This Greek god love drinking, but in terms of cuisine, it dun’ make sense. Wha, you gonna get drunk an’ slop all over da plate?” He’s nervous.

Back to the kitchen with an hour and a half to prep. Jonathan identifies with Poseidon because “He’s a cool guy with a beard; he’s got all these mermaids annoying him, saying ‘daddy I want this, daddy I want that.’” I write down that Jonathan is clearly thinking about the Disney version of Poseidon (who is actually called King Neptune, but whatever), and am quickly proven right because he follows this up by saying his daughter has watched Little Mermaid thousands of times.

Oh, what the hell. It’s his birthday:
Susan is making “love custard.” Oooh, sounds filthy! Rick is making “everything crusted swordfish.” He wants to create chaos on the plate because “hell is chaos.” Everyone complains about the devil throwing them off as Rick dances around doing a devil laugh. I’m going to complain about something different for a moment: this notion that Hades is the same as the Christian Satan, and that his underworld is anything like the Christian Hell. I realize that it’s an hour long reality show, and they have to be reductive to a) get the point across and b) come up with something to cook, but come ON, people. Way to contribute to the dumbing down of America.

Ok. Smartypants rant over.

Marcus says that “war spelled backward is raw” and adds that he misses his wife, who is from the land of the Tartars. We see their matching coat wedding picture again.

Susur has kind of given up on cooking for Dionysus and is focusing on cooking for the critics. Marcus begs Rick for a little wasabi. Marcus feels confident because even though he’s the youngest in the competition, he runs and works out? Jonathan, conversely, turns 59 tomorrow. Aw, Happy Birthday, Jonathan! Commercial!



Back! 2 hours to cook! Kelly welcomes them back to the kitchen. She tells them there’s a little business to take care of. . .and in comes . . .a birthday cake for Jonathan! It’s shaped like the Alps because he usually spends his birthday in the French Alps. How Fucking Adorable.

After a champagne toast and some cake, they get down to work. Marcus says his back is killing him, and he’s really worried.

1 hour 40 minutes. Susan loved getting Aphrodite because life is all about love. She hopes her dish isn’t too simple. Susur feels better today because he had a middle of the night revelation about Dionysus being Greek and liking wine, so he’s using Mediterranean ingredients and a wine glaze.

Rick is trying not to get into a false sense of security. 19:22. Marcus’ back is still really bad, so he doesn’t have his usual advantage of being able to move really fast. He thinks about his biological dad who everyone thought had died in a war when Marcus was 3, but years and years later they learned that he’d survived. He says his father’s love gives him a reason to fight on.

Susan says her biggest challenge is getting everything done to order. Rick’s biggest concern is his swordfish crust, which could easily sweat and get soggy. Time!

They roll into the worst banquet hall style "Greek" decorated mess, and set up for 30 minutes. Susan drapes her station in ivy and puts a flower in her hair. Jonathan says she looks like Aphrodite, and asks her if she feels like it too. She replies “Always. I’m in that sensual sexual mode.”

6 minutes! Jonathan says there’s a general panic among all of them, and wishes he had another pair of hands.

Guests enter! There are apparently more people than they expected. The judges enter, and begin with Susur. He tells them “my god love drinking wine, so I use Chinese wine to marinate the pork.” He’s made Roasted Pork Loin Marinated in Chinese Wine, Croquette with Feta and Risotto, and Santorini Olives. Rayner says it’s “very Susur” but he’s unsure about the olives.

Next they visit Marcus’ station where he explains his no fire technique and serves them Cured Beef and Salmon with Apple Broth and Oyster Foam. Gael Greene’s Hat says the texture of the salmon is wonderful, and Rayner finds the flavors compelling, but Gail Simmons says they’re a bit “muddy.”

Next they go to Susan, who serves them Coconut Jam Toast with Sweet Butter, Dark Soy, and a Fried Egg with White Pepper. Nom (it’s 6:05 in the morning as I’m finishing this, and that sounds like an excellent breakfast). Gail Simmons says it would be so much better if it was hot rather than room temperature, but she loves the coconut jam, and wants to “[spread] it on a loved one.”

Over in “Hell,” Rick serves up his Swordfish Crusted with Flaked Garlic, Onions, and Poppyseeds, Crimson Potatoes, Daikon, Radishes, and Parsnips. He tells them “if you don’t like it, you can go to hell.” Gail Simmons finds it delicious and earthy. Gael Greene’s Hat says the only flaw is the swordfish, which Gail Simmons calls “dry but flavorful.”

Finally we hit Waxman’s station, where he is searing scallops ala minute. His dish is Seared Scallops with Romesco Sauce, Cherry Tomatoes, String Beans, and Mashed Celery Puree. Gail Simmons says the Romesco has a little fire. Rayner thinks the scallop is overseasoned, and the Gail/Gaels agree.

The diners rate the dishes. Everyone heads out. Commercial!
Fake back! They’re playing around with a tiny smoker and drinking a lot of stoli. Susan and Rick mime smoking pot out of it.

More commercials. Hey, who’s seeing Sex and the City 2, ever? Yeah, not me.

Back! Finally! Jonathan says he has no idea where he is in the rankings. “I’m like a fried little potato that’s been fried too many times,” he tells them. Marcus says “I agree with that, 100%.”


Had to do it. Sorry.

Critics table. The chefs all file in. K-Choi thanks them for a wonderful evening.

They begin their critique with Susur. Gail tells him the ingredients were distinctive and prepared beautifully. They ask about the challenges of cooking on the little camp stove.

Moving to Jonathan, Gail thinks that his description of Poseidon (which involves the words “big” and “messy” and a description of him riding on a scallop shell) fits the dish precisely. Rayner says the scallops were the issue.

Marcus explains the war = no fire thing for the third time. Gail says the flavors were strong, but it was hard to differentiate things at first.

Rick gives them a demonstration of his demonic laugh. Gail loved the beet and potato combo. Burf. Rayner says the swordfish was a little dry.

Finally, Susan tells them she was thrilled to have Aphrodite. Rayner says it’s the kind of food you’d eat “after the act rather than before.”

The critics send the chefs out and start deliberating. Beginning again with Susur, Jay says that his dish was on the money. Gael Greene’s Hat says he clearly didn’t understand that Dionysus was a raucous god.

Moving to Jonathan, Rayner loves the mash and the Romesco, but he and Gail agree that the scallops were a problem.

For Marcus, Rayner thinks he took too intellectual a route, but he enjoyed it. Gail doesn’t think it was perfectly in balance.

Gail Simmons found Rick’s dish a bit unfocused. Gael Greene’s Hat loved it so much that she didn’t mind that the swordfish was overcooked.

Finally of Susan, Gail Simmons thought the coconut jam was beautiful, and will be making her eggs that way from now on. Rayner thinks something that’s basically a sandwich is not a likely dish to win the title of Top Chef, Master. Commercial!

Back! The chefs file once more into the critics’ table chamber. K-Choi tells them Marcus and Rick have the highest scores.

Marcus gets a 4 from Gael Greene’s Hat; a 3.5 from Gail Simmons; a 4 from Rayner, and a 4 from the diners for a total of 15.5. Rick gets a 4.5 from Gail Simmons; a 4.5 from Gael Greene’s Hat; a 4.5 from Rayner; and a 4.5 from the diners. His total is 18. Rick wins – another sweep for the episode! Wow! He and Marcus head back to the kitchen.

They give Susur his scores next: a 4 from Rayner; a 4 from Gail Simmons; a 4 from Gael Greene’s Hat; and a 3 from the diners. His total is 15. That’s so close to Marcus’ score, there’s no way he’s going home.

Next up is Susan, who gets a 2.5 from Gael Greene’s Hat; a 2 from Rayner; a 2.5 from Gail Simmons; and a 3.5 from the diners. Susur, as I predicted, is safe and can return to the kitchen.

Finally, Jonathan gets a 3 from Gail Simmons; a 2.5 from Rayner; a 3 from Gael Greene’s Hat; and a 4 from the diners. His total is 12.5. Jonathan is safe.

My immediate reaction is “Oh crap”. Jonathan’s my favorite, but Susan is a close second, and the last lady, and I’m heartbroken. She’s sad to be going home and doesn’t get why her scores were so low. She says her message for the critics is to come in and try it at Street.

Next: If you slip up, BOOM! You’re out! I want him to do what he does! He’s in the semi-finals!

George vs. Giudice

Ok. So as you may recall, in the last chapter of Jordan and George's culinary adventures, I made George a smoothie, which he seemed to enjoy. But I felt like it wasn't enough; I felt like because of my pale attempts at hospitality, George was looking down on me.

This, of course, may be due in part to the fact that he spent a lot of time literally looking down on me, from the top of the staircase. But still. I felt his judgement. I felt his disappointment. And I decided to rise to the challenge.

So we went back online and looked at the Rachel Ray Feeds Your Pets recipes, and found one for Peanut-Carob Isabooscotti.

I looked at George. "I'm not buying you carob chips," I told him, "and your name is not Isaboo."

And so we modified the recipe to make. . . .George's Peanut Butter Pug-scotti

You will need: milk, whole wheat flour, chunky peanut butter, baking powder, and cinnamon. You start off by taking all the dry ingredients and combining them in a bowl.

In another bowl, microwave about a cup of peanut butter for 5-10 seconds, just so it gets soft. Whisk in a cup of milk. This is going to take some doing -- the peanut butter was pretty stubborn, and didn't break down without a fight.

Then you add the wet ingredients to the dry ingredients, and mix them together. You're probably going to have to get in there with your hands, and you're going to get dough under your fingernails. Don't eat it. I know it sounds like it's just flour and peanut butter, and it'll be fine, but it's completely unsweetened and pretty gag-worthy.

Take that ball of dough and shape it into a long, flat log. Yes, I know that making something into a long, flat log sounds horribly unappetizing. Sadly, that's pretty much the way every biscotti recipe describes it, and that's what it is. And then you bake it for 20 minutes at 400 degrees.

Take it out, and then let it cool for 10 minutes. Then cut it into one inch slices on an angle, put them back on the baking sheet, and bake them for another 10-12 minutes.

Pop those suckers out and let them cool completely so your dog doesn't burn his or her tongue. And for god's sake, if you're going to try a piece yourself, don't do it now. Because if you do, twenty minutes later you'll find yourself thinking "maybe they're not so awful when they're scorching hot." But they are.

For humans, that is.

I know it seems like George is eyeing his pug-scotti with great suspicion here, but really he's just being very good -- I gave him his command to wait while I put the cookie down, and he did! And then when I said okay, he scorfed it.

He had another one later and took it off to eat in a more convenient spot where he could get crumbs all over my carpet. And while he was doing this, I found myself thinking -- this second experiment had worked out ok for George. . .but it really hadn't done anything at all for me.

So I decided the time had come to try out one of my most recent cookbook purchases, and make myself some human biscotti.

You will need: flour, cocoa, 3 eggs, regular sugar,confectioners sugar, chocolate chips, sliced almonds, vanilla extract, almond extract, salt, baking powder, and a copy of a cookbook written by one of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, the purchase of which probably caused a seismic event when all of my Calabrese ancestors simultaneously spun in their graves.

(Seriously -- don't write it off. The recipes are largely intuitive [or are if you grew up eating actual Italian food rather than cheese stuff, cream sauced, double breaded {delicious} crap], but there are some neat twists, some really sound advice, and the writing is really engaging. Shockingly engaging. It threw me for a loop)

Anyway, the process of making double chocolate biscotti for people is in some ways, a lot like making peanut butter pug-scotti for George. You're going to start by whipping the eggs, granulated sugar, and vanilla and almond extracts in a bowl for about 3 minutes on high speed.


Yes, that is the world's oldest electric mixer. Yes, I go through a blender about once a year, but I have a yellow hand mixer that's probably older than I am and has a dangerous ass plug that is like an electrocution waiting to happen that will not die.

In another bowl, you're going to combine the flour, cocoa, baking powder, and salt together. Add this to the egg mixture until it forms a sticky dough. Then stir in the chocolate chips and sliced almonds.

This is the point at which I just started mindlessly eating dough. It was hard to stop. It was really, really delicious.

Cover a work area with confectioners sugar, and use that to roll the dough into a non-sticky snake. Then put your snake on a cookie sheet lined in parchment, and form it into a -- you guessed it! -- long, flat log.

What rolls downstairs, alone or in pairs, rolls over your neighbors dog? What's great for a snack, and fits on your back? It's LOG, LOG, LOG.

Take your log and bake it at 350 for about 30 minutes. At the end of this time, it will look like a slightly dusky loaf of pumpernickel bread, with a nice crack along the top, and it'll be firm to the touch.

So you let that cool for 30 minutes, and reduce the oven to 325 degrees. After the LOG, LOG, LOG has cooled, you're going to do just exactly what you did with the Pug-scotti -- cut it into 1" pieces on an angle. Then you pop them back into the oven for about ten minutes, then flip them over and pop them in for another 10 minutes.

Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom.

Again, let them cool before eating them, because they will burn the crap out of your mouth. But when they've cooled completely and you do eat them. . .they are so Holy-God-Good. The one thing I think I'll change the next time I make them is that I might use orange extract rather than almond, but that's just me and the fact that I'm a sucker for anything citrus -- especially chocolate/orange combos.

So let me tell you a story. At some point when my younger sister was in high school and I was home from school on some vacation or another, one of her endless parade of slightly gormless WASPy boyfriends (yes, we have a type) came for dinner. And the time came for dessert, and my mother brought out some Stella D'Oro Anisette Toasts to have with our coffee or tea.

And this kid takes a bite out of the cookie, and you can see the look on on his face as he's trying not to be rude but struggling with the texture being so different than he was expecting, and he's watching as all of us pass around the plate and wondering if he should let us know that these cookies? They are hard as rocks. You can see this kid thinking that these cookies are stale, and wondering why we're all watching him.

And then we laughed at him. Because that's how we roll.

Ever since then, I've never seen someone looked so perplexed by a biscotti. Until yesterday. George? Looked just as confused as the poor sucker my sister dragged home for dinner.
Except he's not wondering about the texture. He's wondering why he gets dry ass unsweetened peanut butter biscotti, and I get delicious double chocolate ones.

"Sorry, George," I told him, nibbling on my biscotti. "Chocolate is not good for dogs. And Teresa's biscotti dominate your pug-scotti. You totally lost that cook off."

At that point, George barked "Prostitution Whore!" and flipped a table at me. George is a great guest. He's just not a good loser.

Smoothie Operator

This weekend I found myself in a situation that most modern ladies will experience at one time or another: I woke up with an overnight guest in my apartment, taking up way more than his fair share of the bed, and next to nothing in the kitchen to offer the handsome gentleman for breakfast.

"Well," I sighed, "would you like anything in particular this morning, George?"

Yes, it's Freckled K's George! Yes, even after I fed him those dreadful looking Sandra Lee dog cookies made from Heinz Gravy, he's still willing to hang out with me.

(He also likes to make sweet, sweet love to his dog bed, though, so I probably shouldn't look on this as some sort of ringing endorsement of my character.)

I wasn't about to put him through another Sandra Lee experience, though, so I looked for other dog related recipes. And I found these "Power Pooch Smoothies" from some sort of Rachael Ray Feeds Your Pets special.

Rachael Ray has her own dog food line, called "Nutrish" (because apparently in Rachael Ray's world, even dogs must abbreviate everything), and she has her own dog who she apparently hasn't killed yet, so I felt like her recipes might be ok. Plus, there was no gravy or baby food in these.

George still looked skeptical, though. So I made him a deal -- the recipe was supposed to make four dog portions. I told him he could have one portion, and I'd drink the rest.

So you will need: ice water, strawberries or other berries, a very ripe banana, yogurt, and honey.

Coffee mug with the Evil Queen from Snow White on it optional. I'm using a frozen banana here, because I had frozen bananas on hand (I use them to make my own non-power pooch smoothies).

The recipe also calls for a mango, but I don't care for mango myself, and I wasn't about to buy one just for George. Sorry, George. I love you, but it's not like a mango's worth of love.

So you cut up the strawberries and the banana (and the mango, if you love your dog or your friend's dog that much). And then, just like with every other smoothie in the world, you put it in a blender and . . .blend it.

So we ended up with one nice big breakfast smoothie for me, and about one and a half for George. I put George's in the freezer as the recipe indicated, and then drank mine.

"It's good," I told George. "You'll like it."

And it was good -- it was a lot lighter than the recipes I normally use for myself, which seem to involve yogurt and milk and the banana and some other fruit and often peanut butter and sometimes a little bit of Nestle Quik and often the last of the morning's coffee. . .anyway, you get the picture. So I liked it, and found it refreshing.

But I'm easy. I'll eat pretty much everything. I'm sitting here right now eating Jelly Bellies off of my stomach, because Kelly Killoren Bensimon made them look like an integral part of every sane person's diet last week.

The real question was. . . would George like it? So we took his out of the freezer. . .

George ate it with gusto, pushing the ramekin around the floor with his tongue to get the best angles at it. The result of this was that he left a little crescent moon shape of smoothie around one edge of the dish where he couldn't get at it. So he abandoned that part of it, and came back to it after it melted.

So we give the Power Pooch Smoothie two thumbs up -- or one thumb and one paw, rather. But really the best part of the experience was this:

George has a little pink smoothie beard! It's like a milk moustache, but for dogs, and it's adorable.

So I felt satisfied that I'd given George a good breakfast to make up for the horrible Sandra Lee cookies from last summer. But I also felt that, given how little effort it had taken to make the smoothies, and the fact that I'd kept 3/4 of the mixture for myself, I still wasn't being the best hostess.

The question was, was there anything else George and I could make together? What else could we do?

Stay tuned for the exciting answer. . .

Top Chef, Masters: Oh Yes, It's Ladies' Night. . .

For his grilled pizza
Hey! Tony Mantuano’s
Tailgate will swing shut

I am filled with a deep murderous rage today, darlings. Not because Tony got offed – and was that the most obvious edit ever or what? “Hey, suddenly I’m kind of a prick after saying nothing for 3 weeks! Oops!” –but because the Bravo interns have put up NOTHING from last night’s episode. No food pictures. No food descriptions. No episode stills. NOTHING.

Which means I’ve had to do ALL THE FREAKING WORK MYSELF: rewatching the parts of the episode where they described the dishes; watching all of Bravo’s stupid videos to make stills; surfing around the interwebs until I finally – FINALLY – found some pictures from the tailgate event.

Auch. And all of this means I haven’t had breakfast yet and I’m cranky and I have to get this done ASAP or I’m going to be late for work.

So anyway: I'm EXTREMELY excited for Susan being the first chef to sweep an episode. She's a little dynamo, and one of my absolute favorites. As to the rest of it: Tony blah blah blah. Leaving blah blah blah. Kind of a dick blah blah blah. Let’s get to the episode.

Los Angeles! Top Chef Masters Kitchen! The six remaining masters enter and head for their work stations. Susan is bummed not to have Jody there anymore now that “it’s just me and the guys.”

K-Choi welcomes them back and tells them they’ll get to prove “who has a leg up on the competition” because they’ll be cooking leg proteins. Their judges are Jason Lezak, who swam the last leg of the Gold-medal winning Men’s Olympic relay race and Jay Rayner. They’ll have 45 minutes to cook and all their proteins are in the fridge. Time starts. . .NOW!

There’s a huge free-for-all at the freezers. Rick goes straight for the octopus even though there’s not enough time to cook them traditionally.

We see Susur’s mad ninja knife skillz with some Kill Bill style music in the background. He tells us “the Top Chef Mastah, it is no different than Olympic gold medalist, an’ you have to be very focus to say no mattah what, I’m just going to go for the gold. Is like a sport. I want to win all the day.”

Jonathan is making pasta because swimmers eat carbs like they’re going out of style, and crabs’ legs because they’re a water creature, like swimmers. Marcus talks about his restaurant and Rick’s being neighbors in NYC. He’s doing frog legs. Susan says her philosophy is “to figure out what do I love that could fit into the challenge.” Good strategy—it keeps you from overthinking the challenges, and means you’re always doing something in your wheelhouse. Jonathan teases her about putting curry in everything.

Susur says he hasn’t won a quickfire so far, and he wants to change that. He talks about how he quit school when he was 16 and went to work with his brother in a restaurant. “And I love the kitchen; chef would be smoking, yelling and swearing, and is exactly what I want.”

Seriously, that’s what I need in a career. Maybe not the smoking, but the opportunity for yelling and swearing sounds really great.

Tony feels like Susur is infringing on his table again even though he has two others. Oh, suck it up, Tony -- all of your tables are belong to Susur. Tony is also doing crabs’ legs. Rick crosses himself for luck before pulling something out of the blast freezer. His octopus tastes good, but it’s a bit of a chew. Two minutes! Tony plates. Susan feels confident in the flavors, but worries about the presentation. Time!

K-Choi asks Lezak some inane question about the Olympics, and then they’re served
Tony’s Warm Crab and Potato Salad With 3 Types of Corriander. Rayner gets a little bit of cartilage and feels like it’s an underdressed salad. Lezak thinks it’s great.

Susur’s Indochine Roasted Leg Of Lamb with Lamb Meatballs, Pine Nuts and Dried Cherry Sauceis next. NOM. Lezak likes the appearance and think the dish is good. Rayner describes the meatballs as “cute” which Susur doesn’t like -- his cooking is not "cute." It's "serious." I'd like everyone to now scroll down to Susur's Margyoo dish from last week to see how serious he is.

Next they get Susan’s Cumin-Cilantro Chicken, Pickeled Tomatoes, Quinoa and Raisin Pilaf. Rayner says she’s “hiding their legs under a bushel” referring to the haphazard plating. Lezak says the taste is good and Rayner likes the coating.

Jonathan’s Cappelini with King Crab Leg, Jalapeno and Mint is next. Rayner wants more crab. Jonathan says Jay seems grumpy. Lezak says it would be a good meal for an athlete and he likes the taste of the pasta. Rayner gives him a pissy look for disagreeing.

Then we get Marcus’ Confit of Frog Legs with Curry Broth and Crab Rice. It’s too rich for Lezak. Rayner says there are “big bold flavors” and it’s a complicated plate.

Finally we have Rick’s Egg in a Hole with Roasted Octopus Leg and Bernaise Sauce. Rayner says “Octopus legs are an unforgiving ingredient” as he maws at the chewy octopus. Jonathan advises Rick “you know what they say in Italy, you take a live octopus and throw it right in the freezer. Susur adds “you put in the washing machine is also-“ and they all crack up.
Lezak and Rayner rate the dishes. Commercial!

Back! K-Choi gives them their scores. Tony earns 3.5 stars. He thinks that sucks. Rick gets 3. Ouch, low scores tonight. Jonathan earns 3.5, and quips “our legs weren’t as good as Kelly’s today.” Hee. This is one of the reasons he’s awesome. Marcus gets 3. Susan says she’s nervous because the scores are so low. And she gets. . .4.5! WOW! The lady takes the lead! And last is Susur. Who gets. . .4! Susan wins and gets $5000 for her charity. She’s very excited to win for the Scleroderma Research Foundation.


Elimination Challenge! K-Choi blathers about football and tradition. . .but you know the drill. They’re tailgating, just like the cheftestants did for the Bears game in Season 4 of normal Top Chef where Dale won.

Susur tells us “I don’t know what da hell is going on. I never been tailgating; I never been to a live football game.”

They’ll be cooking for 100 USC fans. . .using two Weber kettle grills as their equipment. Jonathan is psyched because when his restaurant opened, the grills weren’t installed on time so he did the cooking on a couple of Weber grills. Susan gets to wear USC gear since she won the challenge. Um, lame -- this is possibly the worst "advantage" ever. The chefs will have 1.5 hours that dayto prep and 2 hours to prep and cook at the Coliseum the next day.

They head off to go shopping. Rick is excited to grill. They have 45 minutes and a $500 budget. Marcus gets to the meat counter before everyone and claims all of Rick’s ingredients. Rick wonders if he heard about his plans. Marcus says Rick is “Mr. Tailgate” and “any advantage you can get, you want to.” Hm, so does that mean he did hear about his plans, or do the editing monkeys just want us to think that?

Tony is thinking about grilling pizza. For 100? Yipes. I love a grilled pizza, don’t get me wrong, but it’s a bit precarious and labor intensive to do for that big a crowd. Susan is doing tacos. Jonathan is also doing tacos holding – his plans are for steak and guacamole.

They reach checkout. In a scene to further establish Tony’s dislike of Susur, Susur tells Tony “I think you would be perfect in a show for Sopranos. Soprano chefs. You would have big cooler in the back.” Susur cracks up and Tony says “that’s sort of an insult.” Tony then interviews “Susur annoys me at times, it’s sort of like ‘thank you for the stereotype'.”

UGH. Can I just tell you…the only thing worse than Italian-Americans – particularly wildly successful Italian Americans – complaining about the harmful stereotyping of the Sopranos is Irish-Americans who defend their ability to act the drunk fool on St. Patrick’s Day as a celebration of their heritage, and a right they earned because they were so oppressed when they came to this country.

It’s 2010. You’re white. You are not a victim of history (yet). Get over it.

Back to the kitchen where they have an hour and a half to prep. Jonathan is making a “free form taco” which sounds delicious. Susur is trying to make something a little different. Tony laughs that Susur has “not a clue” about tailgating, and he’s looking forward to beating him. Pbbblllt. I’m disliking Tony more and more with every second of this episode. Which, I'm pretty sure is exactly what the professors are shooting for.

Rick interviews that Marcus is always thinking about how to get a leg up. Well, duh, Rick. It’s a competition. If you’re not always thinking about how to get an advantage, you’re doing it wrong. Anyway, Marcus is making “a really nice stew.” And a burger. I don’t know if stew counts as a leg up, really. In terms of a tailgating challenge, at least, it seems like kind of a dumb idea. Five minutes!

Packaging flurry! Time! Susur pantomimes that he needs an oxygen mask from all the
running around. Marcus feels like he’s taking a lot of risk. Rick says he’s got a lot to do the next day. Commercial.

Back! In the car, Susur and Marcus talk about how it’s their first time tailgating. Susur looks out at the parking lot with the grills set up and says “there are other chefs here too today,” and has to have tailgating explained to him. “Oh, so you get fed before you go to a game. Now I kind of get this.”

2 hours! Rick says that grilling is the way he grew up “it was a beer, the Mets game, and charrin’ the heck out of something in the back yard.”

Susan feels like her USC gear is giving her a real advantage. We then see FREAKING ADORABLE pictures of Susan being a cheerleader in the ‘60’s. Jonathan makes the mistake of admitting his wife is a Stanford alumna, and gets booed by the crowds.

1 hour and 13 minutes. Susur has made cauliflower wrapped in bacon. Nom. Rick bitches that Susur has made his grill into a flattop, and has no idea what tailgating is. Marcus says he always has a plan A, B, and C. Rick says Marcus’ stumbling point is having too many elements on a plate.

Jonathan says that Susan’s tacos might be a bit more authentic, but he’s not worried about it. Susan interviews that she’s been working on a Border Grill Taco truck.

10 minutes. Marcus realizes it’s impossible to do the shrimp skewers he’d planned on, so throws the shrimp into the stew. Rick thinks Jonathan’s meat needs salt, and that doing a taco when Susan is one of your competitors isn’t the best idea.

Time! The tailgaters converge and get their food. The critics start with Jonathan’s New York Steak Tacos with Grilled Vegetables and Bordelaise Sauce. Oseland says it’s undone by the “stale piece of tortilla” but Gael Greene’s Hat likes the side dish.

Next they get Rick’s Chermoula Grilled Chicken with Baba Ganoush and Spicy Slaw on Pita Bread. Oseland says “as ugly as this dish is, it tastes fabulous.”

K-Choi asks Marcus if it’s his first time at a tailgate. It is. He’s made Grilled Chicken and Shrimp Stew with Vegetable Couscous and a Burger. Oseland isn’t sure what the dish is, but it tastes good.

Then they head to Susur’s station for Korean Style Skirt Steak with Roasted Cauliflower and Austrian Dumplings. Kelly asks him if this is his first time tailgating, and he replies yes "I never been to a live baseball -- I mean football game before."

Oseland points out that they’re not very traditional tailgating foods, and Rayner replies “but oh, that beef.”

Tony serves the judges Grilled Pizza with Mozzarella, Tomato, Romano, Arugula and Prosciutto. Oseland says it tastes terrific but the dough is overcooked.

Finally we hit Susan’s stand where she feeds them Skirt Steak Tacos with Black Bean and Corn Salsa and Roasted Pepper Salsas. Oseland says “I’m feeling more like a manly American by the minute” and Rayner adds “any plate of food that can do that to you is a miracle.” HEE.

The diners rate the food. Susan worries that her food will have been too basic for the judges. Commercial.

Oh, a Top Chef DC commercial. Which they filmed three floors down from my office. Did I see them? Oh no. But I got to smell the delicious food and know that they were there. Because God likes teasing me, the way he teased Moses in the desert.

Fake back! Jonathan interviews that Susan is one of the funniest chefs he knows. Tony says working with her was one of the highlights of his career. Susur says she’s a firecracker. Rick says he respects and fears her. Yay Susan! This is so totally her episode.

Back! Susur thinks he’s going home because tailgating is so American.

Critics Table! Oseland says he’s now a believer in tailgating. K-Choi begins the questions with Jonathan. Gael Greene’s Hat loved the guac and the steak, but Oseland found the tortilla tough and cold, and felt that the steak could’ve been more thinly sliced. Jonathan says “I disagree with you. You’re wrong.” Gael Greene’s Hat pipes up, saying “it’s the perfect slice.” Gael Greene's Hat is always going to be Jonathan's biggest defender. When he gets eliminated, it'll probably be during a week that Gail Simmons' Boobs are in charge instead.

Susan is next. Rayner says it was big on flavor, and Gael Greene’s Hat loved “the afterkick in my mouth.” Afterkick? For realsies? I’m going to start using that.

Rayner tells Tony that the pizza was flavorful when he got all the ingredients in the right place, but Oseland says the crust was “dry and tough.”

Susur admits he didn’t get the concept of the tailgate party. Rayner adored the beef, but wasn’t a fan of the dumpling.

Rayner loved Marcus’ stew, but found the burger a bit dry. Oseland liked the burger, and thought it was a tasty, juicy mouthful.

Gael Greene’s Hat found Rick’s baba ganoush and slaw “so fabulous” but Oseland would’ve liked to see them stuffed inside the pita.

K-Choi sends the chefs back to the kitchen. The chefs drink. You know les drill.

Gael Greene’s Hat thinks Susur’s beef was brilliant, but Oseland thought his dumpling was “from outer space.” Rayner liked Marcus’ stew, but didn’t get the point of the burger. Oseland loved the burger.

Oseland thinks Jonathan’s brilliance wasn’t in evidence today, but Rayner says that “flavorwise,” he delivered. Gael Greene’s Hat says Susan was in her element, and Rayner says there were so many flavors he didn’t get any of the steak. Rayner thought Tony’s pizza was flavorful, but Gael Greene’s Hat thought the crust undid him. Oseland says that Rick’s dish had a bit of ADD but tasted really good.

Jonathan is resigned to the fact that he’s going to be in the bottom. K-Choi calls back Susur, Marcus, and Susan.


They’re clearly the top 3. One of them will win 10,000. Beginning with Marcus, Gael Greene’s Hat gives him 4 stars; Rayner 3.5; Oseland 3 and the diners 4. His total is 14.5. Next is Susur, who gets 4 stars from Rayner; 3.5 from Oseland; 3.5 from Gael Greene’s Hat; and 4 from the diners. His total is 15 stars, and he’s now in the lead. Finally, Susan gets a 4 from Oseland; a 4 from Gael Greene’s Hat; a 4 from Rayner; and a 4 from the diners. Her total is 16 stars. So she wins! Yay! It’s so totally her night, and she’s won the most money of anyone so far $32,500. Susur does the “cha-ching, cha-ching” arm move at her and then adds “lots of cha-chings, huh?”

They head back to the kitchen and the other 3 chefs go back to the table to take their drubbing. One of them will be going home. Commercial!

Back! K-Choi tells them they have the lowest scores. Beginning with Rick, he gets 3 stars from Oseland; 4 from Gael Greene’s Hat; 3 from Rayner; 3.5 from the diners. His total is 13.5. Wow, there’s not a whole lot of room between the top of the bottom and the bottom of the top, huh? See, this is why I wanted to know the other members of the top group’s scores last week.

Next, Jonathan gets 2.5 stars from Gael Greene’s Hat. Gasp. Then he gets 3 from Rayner; 2 from Oseland (GASP); and 3 from the diners. His total is 10.5. Oh no. So Rick gets to return to the kitchen.

Finally, we turn to Tony. He gets 2.5 stars from Rayner; 2.5 from Oseland; 2.5 from Gael Greene’s Hat. There’s a dramatic pause while K-Choi intones something about how they all know that sometimes the diners’ opinions are very different from the judges. And the diners have given Tony. . .

. . .2.5 stars. WAH-wah. And PHEW. Jonathan is safe; Tony is going home, which most of us probably figured him out from the way the editing made him look like a massive crankypants.


Tony is pretty bummed. He says his confidence was the highest it’s been, and he’s sad to go. Susur calls him his lucky charm, and hugs him, and Susan says “my partner.” Tony says he’s made some great friends.

Next! Ahh! Down to the wire! General panic! Rick is here to bug you! A little business to take care of! This sucks! If you don’t like it, you can go to hell!