Awkward. . .

It's like running into an ex at the grocery store. . .

. . .except instead of bitterness and/or nostalgia, your ex is filled with recipes for some scary looking fluorescent dessert called "pinwheel cake."

(On a more positive Sandra note, though, she's partnered with Cold Stone ripoff Marble Slab Creamery to create 16 new flavors for summer and donate $25,000 to Share Our Strength. So, you know. It's hot as balls out. Go eat some mediocre ice cream and support a good cause)

Top Chef DC: Sangwiches and Anguishes

Jac’line Caterer
Left; color me unsurprised
Sugary pudding

So I have to ask you all a question: I’m on a medication that has the drowsy eye alcohol warning instead of the winking eye alcohol suggestion, and it’s got me a little dopey. It’s also got me sleepy, grumpy and. . .hungry. Why wasn’t Hungry a dwarf? Don’t dwarves get hungry?

That wasn’t the question, though. The question was: was this episode a little schizophrenic, or was it just me? It seemed like the first half to 2/3 of it was just a big ole bowl of nothing, and then all of the sudden it was Anger Fest Twenty Ten. Everyone hated everyone! Everyone threw each other under the bus! Tom basically accused Angelo of throwing the challenge! There were two pounds of sugar in some banana pudding! IT WAS INSANITY.

Or was that just me?

Also, I already miss Eric Ripert. I kind of wish they’d given him Padma’s job, so he’d be on every week, and not Ted/Toby’s job so he’s only on sporadically.

Schizophrenia or no, though, this episode was ultimately as unsurprising as last week’s – Jacqueline Caterer was such obvious cannon fodder that she might as well have strapped on a red shirt and beamed down to the planet’s surface with Kirk and Spock.

She seemed like a perfectly nice lady. She also seemed like kind of a bumbling incompetent and a bit of a pushover, so I’m not going to go shedding any tears for her. Although credit where it’s due – smoking hot, right? If she’d looked like her bio picture during the competition, I feel like they might’ve kept her around just to give the camera something to feast on.

Further credit where it’s due: the Bravo interns did their job last night and everything works beautifully this morning. This doesn’t mean I won’t mock them by pointing out their egregious spelling mistakes. Seriously, Andy Cohen – it’s not enough that they know how to use spell check. Get someone who knows some food terminology – or at least someone who doesn’t live on Chipotle and Ramen.

Let’s hit some recappage.

Morning! DC! Top Chef Townhouse! People are drying their hair and doing pushups and shit. Andrea thinks she can beat Angelo and anyone else. They head off to the Hinckley Hilton’s Top Chef Kitchen. It’s a good thing American’s forget their own history so quickly, because it means most people won’t realize how slightly creepy headquartering there is.

Quickfire! Padma is there to greet them, accompanied by Sam Kass, the White House chef. (Actually, wouldn't it be more accurate to call him the Obamas' personal chef, since he came with them from Chicago and I think Christeta Comerford is still the head chef there) Padma tells them that since “a successful government is bipartisan” they’ll be competing in a “bipartisandwich” quickfire.

Oh, holy god. This is such a DC production. You can’t eat lunch in this town without tripping over a shitty pun like “bipartisandwich.” Ten minutes after Strasburg’s first start, every restaurant in the metro area was hawking a “Strasburger.”

Anyway, with a teammate, they’ll have 30 minutes to create a delicious sandwich. Tamesha says “it’s ridiculously easy to make one sangwich in 30 minutes? Between two people?” Ok, I’m not crazy about her, but I do love the fact that she non-ironically pronounced sandwich as “sangwich.”

Padma tells them that both members of the winning team will get immunity. They draw knives for partners, and. . . .oh, there are still too many. Angelo says it would be embarrassing to lose because he owns a sandwich shop in New York.

Padma announces that there’s one more thing – they’re competing wearing what I can only describe as Siamese aprons – though I supposed the sensitive term would be “conjoined aprons.” Anyway, it’s a blue apron and a red apron sewn together, so that each person only has the use of one arm. Tim demands “who got high and came up wit’ this idea?” (Answer: Padma)

Food flurry! Kenny and Ed are a team, which works to their advantage since Ed is left handed and Kenny is right handed. Chef Rosie O’Donnell is psyched to be with Angelo because not only does he have a sandwich (sangwich) shop, he’s won both challenges so far. She tells us“I arreddy had a seekrit crush on ‘im. An’ now I get to have my arm aroun’ ‘im fer thirty minutes? Life couldn’t be better.” And then she gives her cackley Rosie O’Donnell laugh.

Tamesha and Amanda are another team, which is bad because they apparently hate each other. Tamesha insists on being the right side head, and basically drags Amanda all over. Alex is nervous about Tim chopping his hand off. Stephen and Jacqueline Caterer are a team. Arnold and Kelly are making grilled chicken, and he tells her he trusts her not to slice off his fingers: “if anything, you’ll give me a manicure.”

It’s so weird that they get along so well for this challenge, and then instantaneously explode with hatred for each other during the next one.

Lynne and Tiffany are doing a veal saltimbocca sandwich. YUM. The only way I could enjoy the idea of a veal saltimbocca sandwich more is if they non-ironically called it a sangwich.

Extreme flurry! 57 seconds! Time!

Kass and Padma move through the group, getting their bipartisangwich on. They start with Angeloand Rosie's Sandwich with Flounder Marinated in Fish Sauce, Spicy Sriracha Mayo, Pickled Red Onions & Herbaceous Salad. Next, Andrea and Kevin have made a Philly Cuban Sandwich - Roasted Port [sic], Pickle, Whole Grain Mustard & Gruyere Cheese.

No, I am not kidding. At 5:45 this morning, the Bravo interns had that as a “Roasted Port” sangwich. I preserved it for posterity:




I can only assume they mean Port the wine rather than Port the place where you dock your ship, because it seems like roasting a ship-port would be a little challenging. Also a little …murdery.

Tamesha and Amanda’s sangwich is a Grilled Sandwich with Sliced Prosciutto, Swiss Cheese, Dijon Mustard & Pepper Salsa. Alex and Tim have done a take on a Classic French-Croque Madame- Ground Lamb, Mornay Sauce & Egg. Stephen and Jacqueline Caterer’s sandwich is "The American and Italian Connection" – Saba Vinegar Onions with California Avocado & Chicken. Then there’s Ed and Kenny’s Korean Chili Rubbed Ahi Tuna Open Faced Sandwich with Cucumber & Mango Slaw on Multi-Grain Bread, and Arnold and Kelly’s South East Asian Street Food – Curry Rubbed Grilled Chicken with Honey, Indonesian Sambal, Cucumber, Mint, Dill & Cilantro. Tiffany and Lynne’s Flatbread Saltimbocca Sandwich with Goat Cheese, Artichokes, Yellow Peppers & White Asparagus is last. Kass tells them “it’s a little hard to eat picking it up,” and Lynne tries to bluff with “it’s more of a knife and fork kinda sandwich.” That’s ballsy. I like her.

Kass’s least favorite groups are Stephen and Jacqueline, whose sandwich lacked creativity, and Lynne and Tiffany, who ruined the world’s greatest idea – the saltimbocca sangwich – by giving it bad texture.

The top groups are Tracey and Angelo and Kenny and Ed. Does anyone else think that Sam Kass just really likes Asian inspired fish sangwiches? And the winners are. . .

Commercial!

Back! So the winners are. . .Tracey and Angelo! Sam Kass tells them he’d eat their sandwich every day. Sexy! More importantly, they have immunity. Angelo says he feels the eyes on him. Kenny is “a little heated” that Angelo keeps winning.


Elimination! Padma tells them they’ll be taking on a campaign that’s important to the Obamas and Sam Kass: they’ll be making a school lunch. They’ll feed the students for $2.68 per child, or $134 total. Sam then takes $4 away for reasons that nominally have something to do with labor costs, but are really all about giving them a nice round number to work with. And four dollars less.

They have to do a main course, side dishes, veggies and fruit, and a dessert. They’ll be working in teams of 4 to create lunch for students at the Alice Deal Middle School.

Hahahahahahaahahahahaha. . .oh, Top Chef DC. You find endless ways to amuse me with your random connections to my life. My DC native ex-boyfriend? The Bad Ex? He went to Deal. He claimed that’s what made him racist. (Ok, so he didn’t phrase it that way – he said being one of the few white kids at the school made him understand that all the stereotypes about black people were true. He never seemed to process the fact that he was saying this to a person who spent four years in a high school with similar demographics without coming to the same conclusion)

Padma tells them that everyone will be judged on their individual performances. Angelo and Tracey get to choose their other teammates, and they pick Kenny and Ed. Kenny sees this as strategic because if they lose, there’s a 50% chance of Kenny going home since only he and Ed will be eligible.

The other teams split up. They have 30 minutes to plan before shopping at Restaurant Depot; 2.5 hours to prep and cook; and an hour tomorrow to heat everything up.

Planning! Tracey wants to make what kids eat now (burgers, chicken nuggets, etc), but healthy, so they go for a burger.

Team 2 angry girls (Amanda and Tamesha)/Jacqueline Caterer/Stephen argue about chicken and gnocchi. Jacqueline Caterer is doing a chocolate banana pudding. Then she talks about how after her parents nasty divorce, she took over as “the mom” for her younger sister to keep her out of foster care. Oh, Jacqueline Caterer. Now we know about your tragic past. After this, you have nothing left to offer us and will be going home.

Team Andrea/Kevin/Tim/Alex (3 guys and Andrea) are doing mac and cheese and cole slaw.

Team Kelly/Arnold/Lynne/Tiffany (3 girls and Arnold) are doing tacos. Tiffany isn’t happy with the way Kelly is trying to take control. She keeps suggesting things like feta and pickled onions that her teammates aren’t sold on.

Shopping! Restaurant Depot! Amanda is looking for alcohol. For. . .children? Sherry jus for children? Ok then. Clearly school lunch ain’t what it used to be

(although given that I used to spend my lunch money either on Little Debbie products and chips at the snack bar or 7 layer burritos from our on campus Taco Bell cart, a little sherry jus probably isn’t that awful).

Kelly is trying to think outside of the box in terms of budget. And then all the teams pretty much go over budget and start trying to find things to take off.

Andrea gets the message that having to compromise because of budget is “probably what happens on a regular basis with school lunches.” Well done, Andrea – you are the first person to articulate the smack you in the face obvious lesson of this episode. Commercial.

Back! They head to the Hilton kitchen and start their prep time. Team 3 girls and Arnold start chafing at Kelly’s attitude. Team 3 guys and Andrea are humming along. Kenny isn’t feeling all the dishes on his team. Jacqueline’s bananas are too starchy, and Amanda and Tamesha are angry with each other. Tamesha says she’ll kick Amanda’s ass if she’s in the bottom 4. Nice. Two episodes in and my only impression of Tamesha is that she’s a humorless bint (“I’m not here to play dice”) with anger issues.

It’s all very, very boring.

Five minutes! Arnold continues chafing at Kelly’s “I I I I I” attitude. Time.

Back to the townhouse where they have a lovely patio area. Rosie O’Donnell and Kelly are talking, and it comes out that Rosie is helping to raise her girlfriend’s daughter, and is ashamed that they eat fast food about once a week.

Inside the house, Arnold and Tiffany are bitching about Kelly. Then the whole group confronts Kelly about taking credit for everything. Kelly is flabbergasted that Arnold is coming at her. Ulch, this is tiresome.

Next Day! Deal Middle School! An hour to prep! The kitchen is tiny, and they’re all kind of up each other’s asses. Angelo goes to put his peanut butter mousse in the foam gun, and finds the valve is broken. Kevin refuses to lend him a foam gun, and Andrea approves of this, saying “I’m on a mission to break Starsky and Hutch over there.”

Wait. . .what? Who are Starsky and Hutch? Kenny and Angelo? Tracey and Angelo? And why? I’ve only seen the Ben Stiller/Owen Wilson movie, not the TV show, and I don’t understand the reference.

That won’t, of course, stop me from exploiting it:


Tom walks through the halls of the middle school and explains that this challenge is dear to his heart because his mom ran a school lunch program for 20 years. Tom thru! Ah, the first Tom thru of the season. Awesome. I miss Tom thrus so much when Top Chef isn’t on. He starts with team 3 guys and Andrea, and thinks the “yogurt foam” with their fruit kabobs is a great idea because “sometimes kids don’t like yogurt, but they like whipped cream.”

I guess it shows you that I know very few children, and that those children are very sophisticated, but I don’t know any of ‘em who don’t like yogurt.

Next he talks to Jacqueline about her pudding. He thinks it sounds good but worries she’s put herself at a disadvantage by giving up the chocolate for the pudding because of the budget.

He talks to team 3 girls and Arnold, and they all start bitching at each other. “I am responsible for the carnitas” “we all helped” “I tried to get my stuff done fast so I could help everyone.” Bitch bitch bitch, snipe snipe snipe. Tom says – not in so many words – that they’re assholes who are giving him a headache.

Finally he goes to Team Angelo et al and talks about the immunity situation.

10 minutes! Angelo finds a workaround for his peanut butter situation. He should’ve found a workaround that didn’t involve serving celery and peanut butter, for chrissakes. That doesn’t even qualify as cooking as far as I’m concerned. Kids eat that because it’s one of the few things they can make themselves, because it doesn't involve turning on the stove or (if the celery is precut) using a sharp knife.

Anyway. Stephen thinks they shouldn’t have sherry in the name of their chicken dish. There’s tension between Kelly and Angelo.

Enter kids! Enter judges! Gail pipes up “chocolate milk please!” Cute.

They start with team 3 guys and Andrea who explain their “picnic themed” Grilled Apple Cider BBQ Chicken & Picnic Coleslaw with Yogurt; Mac & Cheese with Whole Wheat Crust, Skim Milk & Low-Fat Cheese; Fresh Melon Kebab with Orange Chantilly Dipped in Yogurt. It actually all sounds really good. Kass thinks the coleslaw is great and Padma thinks they did a great job on the chicken. Tom says the weak link is the mac and cheese.

Next is Team Angelo with their Chicken Burger with Fiesta Rice; “Peanut Butter and Celery Crudite” with Crispy Tuile; Sweet Potato Puree with Cinnamon; Apple Break Pudding with Cinnamon Yogurt.

If you look up “complete and utter bullshit” in the dictionary, I think it says “see also ‘Peanut Buter and Celery Crudite.” It’s ants on a log, minus the ants, people.

(The bright side is, I have peanut butter and celery in my lunch today, and as I munch it at my desk I will think about how delightful and gourmet my Peanut Butter and Celery Crudite is)

The judges think Ed’s sweet potatoes are too peppery, and are pretty much “meh” about everything else, except they want to know where the vegetables are. Celery, guys! Celery is your vegetable! It’s so versatile! It’s crudite! It’s a side dish! It’s one of those foods you actually lose weight while eating because it’s so motherfucking difficult to chew! It's nature's own dental floss!

Team 3 girls and Arnold present their Braised Pork Carnitas Tacos with Pickled Onions & Cilantro; Roasted Corn Salad with Cilantro Lime Vinaigrette, Chili Oil, Sugar, Salt & Lime Juice; Black Bean Cake with Whole Grain & Sweet Crispy Potatoes; Caramelized Sweet Potatoes & Sherbert. Sounds delicious. Gail is excited about the color on the plate, and Tom and Kass like the taco and Arnold’s salad. Padma finds the bean cake a little spicy, but Gail likes the sweet potato/sherbert dessert.


Finally it’s team Angry girls/Jacqueline Caterer/Stephen with their Braised Chicken Thigh in a Sherry Jus; Bean & Tomato Salad with Pickled Red Onions & Apple Cider Vinaigrette; Sweet Onion Rice & Tomato, Carrots & Green Onions, Banana Pudding with Skim Milk; Strawberries & Strawberry Sauce. Gail points out that “the words ’sherry jus’ don’t often come into a lunchroom scenario.” They like the bean salad, but hate the pudding (and there are hilarious reaction shots from the kids eating it). They also think Stephen’s rice was mushy. One kid says “I didn’t really like the dish over there, because it has just rice and all that nasty stuff.”

That kid? Is the next Toby Young. Mark my words.

Everyone wraps up. Jacqueline Caterer says the dessert sold out really fast. I kind of wonder if Jacqueline Caterer has taken a blow to the head at some point, because she seems to be processing a different set of events than the rest of us just saw. Tiffany says it was one of the most flavorful cafeteria lunches she’s ever had. Kelly feels like her team is taking credit for her dish away from her.

Commercial!

Back! Fakeback! Padma interviews the kids about the food. Some of them want hugs. That’s really all there is to it.

Back! Stew room! Kevin is snoring while everyone else reviews their performance.
Padma calls back team Angelo and team Stephen/Caterer/Angry Girls. Kelly is nervous because she was confident earlier, but the winners are usually called first.

Oh, snap. I think this is the first time in Top Chef history they’ve done this. Is it? Is this the first time in the entire illustrious 7 season history of Top Chef that they’ve called the losers back first? I think it is. Oh, this is so exciting. I’m all a quiver, children. This must be what our parents felt like when they saw Neil Armstrong fake the moon landing. This is history being made.

Tom says some stuff about childhood nutrition, and then Padma drops it on them that they had the worst menus. HA-HA! Look at that, cheftestants! Padma just violated the fuck out of your expectations! She busted up your schemas! She twisted your heads!

Stephen says tried to incorporate vegetables into his rice, but had to sacrifice some creativity because of the budget. Jacqueline admits that the bananas were starchy, and says there were 2 lbs of sugar in the pudding to make up for cutting the chocolate from the pudding. Kass calls Amanda out for the sherry jus, and asks how there was a budget to buy sherry, but not the vegetables or chocolate.

With the other team, they start with Ed’s too peppery sweet potato, then move on to the lack of vegetables. Kenny says “the lack of vegetable kept coming back around, so we ended up roasting that tomato on the burger.” “Tomatoes are fruit,” Kass points out, barely stifling a giggle.

Tom asks Angelo if he would’ve done a celery with peanut butter if he didn’t have immunity. Angelo says “I can’t answer that.” Tom then basically accuses Angelo of sabotaging the team.

Then it turns into a free-for-all. Ohhhhhhhhhhh Lordy! It gets good here!

Kenny blames Angelo for the celery decision and the lack of vegetables. Trying to save his own (and to a lesser extent, his team's) ass, Stephen calls Kenny out for knowing his team had no vegetables and not doing anything about it. Kenny snaps back with “so it’s acceptable to have pudding that has 2 lbs of sugar in it whereas mine had less than 8 oz total?” Amanda then jumps in with a diatribe about “do you have any idea how much sugar is in processed peanut butter?” Ed rounds back on her with “does sherry wine need to be in elementary school?” And Amanda closes out the yelling portion of events with “They weren’t DRINKING IT by the glass.”

It’s really kind of amazing. I can’t think of the last time I enjoyed something in this show that was non-food/Voltaggio licking related so much.

Padma sends their hot mess selves back to the stew room. They tell the other two teams about the switch in order. Then things get heated. . .or continue to be heated. . .as Kenny and Ed bitch about the immunity situation and Angelo sits there and whistles.

Ladies and gentlemen. . .it looks like we’ve got ourselves a gen-yooo-wine snake this season.

Kass says that hands down, Angelo’s team had the worst menu. He thinks Kenny made a big mistake by not fighting for a vegetable, and Gail says Ed’s dish was nice for a restaurant, but not for a school. They talk about why Kenny and Ed didn’t fight for a vegetable since it was their asses on the line, and Tom says there was definite gamesmanship in Angelo’s decision making.

Back in the stew room, Angelo asks Tracey not to repeat this, and says he doesn’t like Kenny. That’s mature. God, being at a middle school all day worked a number on their heads, didn’t it? The next thing you know, they’ll be trading Silly Bandz and getting their first periods.

Gail was disappointed with the other team too, and says Amanda’s chicken was one of the most unappealing things she’s seen in a long time. Kass says the amount of sugar in Jacqueline’s pudding was unconscionable.

Padma points out that they also need to pick a winning team, and a winner. Gail talks about how Kelly’s team had a salad, a vegetable, and a healthy dessert. Tom thinks Andrea’s team did a really nice job as well.

Padma goes back to the stew room and calls back Lynne, Tiffany, Kelly, and Arnold.

This is a weird episode. It’s just weird. Everything’s having mood swings and going wildly out of order, and my pills make me sleepy and it’s hard to keep track of.

She tells them they had their favorite lunch. Padma tells Arnold his salad looked and tasted great. Everyone compliments Kelly’s carnitas. They tell Tiffany that her sweet potato had great texture, and Kass was impressed by Lynne’s beans. The winner is Kelly. Her team claps for her despite having hated her guts for the last 50 minutes.

Padma tells them to call back Kenny, Ed, Amanda and Jacqueline Caterer.

Commercial!

Back! Tom tells them that they’re the bottom players on the losing teams. He thinks Kenny let his team down by not being more assertive about the vegetable situation, and the same is true of Ed. Amanda’s chicken was not appealing, and Jacqueline’s pudding was terrible in a number of ways.

Padma tells. . . Jacqueline to pack her knives and go. Jacqueline Caterer wishes she’d fought for more than 10% of the budget, and lets her roommates know they’ve got a two bedroom room now. She thinks her family would be proud of her for getting this far.

Next! This challenge is to cook a picnic. I personally hate chocolate. Alex is annoying. Whose stuff is this! I don’t think people take me seriously as a chef, and I’m going to prove them wrong.

(Ok, so after saying that, Amanda clearly leaves next week, right?)

A Meditation For Your Monday...

Top Chef DC: Welcome to Our Nation's Capitol

John and his weird hair
Did not last long in DC
Maple flows through trees

So I am of two minds about the Top Chef premiere last night, and one about John leaving. So let’s start with John leaving, because that’s simple:
I’m glad. I did not dig his hair or his teeth. I’m sure he’s a very good chef in real life, but I did NOT want to spend my Wednesday nights staring at that manky grill or the rat’s nest emerging from that do-rag.

(and I know that in the depths of my coal black heart, there should be a part of me that wanted him to stick around just so I could make fun of his hair. I mean seriously. The mileage I got out of Mattin’s scarf? Spike’s hats and beard? Can you imagine what I could’ve done with that hair? It would’ve been a thing of angry cynical beauty. But I’m just glad. That hair was so bad and scary I would’ve gotten no joy out of a full summer of pointing out that it looked like someone had electrocuted a jizz encrusted possum and glue-gunned it to a bandana, then hung craft yarn out the end of it)

But seriously, he was on for all of four minutes of air time, so there’s not a whole lot I can say about him. Poor first one out, always getting short shrift on both my love and my wrath.

Now the premiere. On the one hand, I’m super glad it’s at 9 rather than 10. It feels kind of like a gift to my old bones. Do you know what this means, children? That’s like an hour more of rest for me. An hour less of fatigue. The bags under my eyes might not have bags under them anymore.

By the same token, though, moving to 9 was one of the myriad ways they tried to kill Project Runway before it jumped to Lifetime. I hope that’s not a sign.

Here’s the real problem: I worry that I’m suffering from Bravo Burnout. Seriously, there’s too much stuff on Bravo right now. They’ve just finished New York Housewives, except for the six million part reunion/lost footage/oops, more lost footage! bonanza they’ve milked from it; they’re into Jersey Housewives; and Atlanta and DC Housewives are both supposed to crop up this summer. Bethenny is Getting Married, with a question mark and a wedding planner who looks so much like Buster Bluth that I will be shocked –SHOCKED – if he doesn’t at some point give Andy Cohen a backrub while saying “hey, brother!” Kathy Griffin is still on the D List, I guess, and then there are seven million other reality shows about obnoxious photographers and millionaire matchmakers and Rachel Zoe and real estate and god knows what else. . .

. . .and it’s just too much. It’s too much! I yearn for the days when they showed Six Degrees of Separation three times a day, and reruns of Twin Peaks at 2 in the morning.

But enough whining. We’ve got food and shit to talk about.

Technical note first, though: Bravo’s summer interns are apparently an even bigger set of fuckwits than the spring set. First of all, they’ve only provided descriptions of the winning elimination dish. I assume they did this figuring that they could get one description right, and I wouldn’t mock them.

Piss on you, Bravo interns. I will always find a way to mock you. Always.

The second glitch is that their “show shots” photo gallery stops forwarding after the fourth picture (of 20). So I tried browsing backwards, and it stopped reversing after the 18th picture.

I can only assume they’re trying to deliberately piss me off.


So you can expect a lot of my hastily scribbled descriptions of food, and a lot of location shots. Consider it my way of helping you familiarize yourself with the cheftestants and my fair city. And now:

Top Chef is back! Padma reviews the cities we’ve been in before and shows us a bunch of landmarks to establish where we are now – namely DC, baby! My hood! She also calls it a city of idealists, visionaries, and ruthless power seekers, at which point I snort “she’s got one of those right.” I think it’s a bad sign that I’m snorting before episode one even starts.

Then she tells us that Eric Ripert is joining the judges, which wipes the snort off my face and replaces it with a smile. I love him. If I ever see him, I will probably just grab his leg and not let go, ever. He will drag me around for the rest of both our lives. There will be a few awkward moments, sure, but it will be worth it.

We see a few highlights from the upcoming season, and --- Holy crap, is that PELOSI??? Pelosi is judging???? Dial is a sponsor? The fuck? What happened to Glad? Or anything food related, for that matter? This show has gone thoroughly off the rails. And the slogan is Hail to the chef? Whatever. Credits.

More monument shots! DuPont circle! Let’s meet some cheftestants:

Tiffany Derry: talks about how sheworked at IHOP in 10th grade; now she’s the Executive Chef at Go Fish Ocean Club. She wants to be the first African-American to win Top Chef, and she wants to do it in Barack Obama’s city. I think the producers want the same thing – there’s a more substantial number of persons of African descent this year.
Stephen Hopcraft: has 13 month old twins.
Tracey Bloom: is the chef at table 1280 in Atlanta, and was recently named one of the top 25 chefs in Atlanta. I may occasionally call her Chef Rosie O’Donnell, because. . .well. . . she looks like Rosie O’Donnell when she guests on Kathy Griffith. By which I mean – she has a do-rag, and no make up, and a Rosie O’Donnell –ish face.
Kenny Gilbert: his confidence level is a 10.

They gather on the roof of the Newseum! They are ¾ mile from my office. Aw, this was the first day I started seeing tweets about them being nearby and was unable to do anything about it. This is the day I started dying slowly inside. Some bald guy (Alex Reznik) talks about how DC is a great place for Top Chef to be held. Let’s use that as a segue to meet some more cheftestants:

Kelly Liken: owns a restaurant in Vail with her husband; was named one of the top female chefs in the country
Lynne Gigliotti: is an instructor at CIA. Not ours. The one in Hyde Park. That means we know some people in common, I suspect, so I should root for her. I’ll give her two more episodes to prove herself in the “bitchy or no?” category before I decide.
Arnold Myint: owns 3 restaurants in Nashville. Got a wardrobe stylist and facial to prepare. I already love him –that’s exactly what I’d do. You already know you’ve got skillz, or they wouldn’t have picked you. Go get a facial so you know you’re not going to have 60 foot pores on high def TV screens around the country.
Kevin Sbraga: wants to let us know Jersey is here. Gar. With 6000 Jersey-based reality shows, I think we're all painfully aware of that. Jersey is now here, there, and everywhere.
Kenny Gilbert: Kevin thinks Ken is his biggest competition.
Jacqueline Lombard: caterer
Timothy Dean: born and raised in DC; his wife passed away either 3 years ago or 3 weeks ago. God, I hope it’s years. Three weeks after your spouse’s death seems a leeeetle soon to be going on reality TV. But I guess we all mourn in our own way?
Angelo Sosa: “whoevers going to go against me, there’s going to be blood on the stage.”

And enter Tom and Padma. John Sommerville with freaky hair, who is a Beard nominee is excited.

Tom and Padma welcome them. And it’s already time for their first Quickfire! It will test their basic skills and speed in a Mise en Place tournament

In the first leg, they’ll peel 10 potatoes. The twelve fastest will move onto the second leg, where they’ll brunoise 10 cups of onions. Then 8 move on to the third leg, and break down 4 chickens into 8 parts. The four fastest there will prepare a dish using those ingredients.

And…. it’s a high stakes quickfire. Still? We’re keeping this? The winner receives $20,000. It’s in a stack of cash, not a chip like in Vegas. Because that’s how we roll in DC – discreet stacks of unmarked bills. Banded for easy carrying.

The chefs take their positions. And they peel potates with the Capitol and the Smithsonian in the background. Not much else you can say about that. Let’s meet another cheftestant: Amanda Baumgarten, of Water Grill. She slices her palm open.


Kenny finishes peeling his potatoes first, then Angelo, John, and sufficient other people to finish out the top 12. You all know me by now – you know there’s no way I can keep track of all of them during the first three weeks or so. Even the ones I like, like Arnold, I spent part of the episode calling “tiny gay Asian.”

Round 2 begins, and they brunoise onions. Kenny finishes first again. Chef Rosie O’Donnell hopes he falls of the building, and laughs raucously. Eight move on. Who knows who they are? Not Andrea Curto-Randazzo, who was one of Food & Wine’s top chefs in America, apparently.

Chicken round! Kenny gives a great description of his breakdown process, which I will probably watch again and again until I can write it down and blow it up to poster size and hang on the wall in my kitchen. The final four contestants are him, Angelo, Tim, and Kevin. Commercial!

Back! Jefferson Memorial beauty shot! $20,000 on the line. They need to make a dish using the chicken, onions, and potato, plus whatever’s in the “pantry.” The pantry in this case is a buffet table with ingredients on it. There’s a minor food flurry as the four of them calmly cook things on the rooftop and the other chefs look on in passive aggressive rage. Time!

Let’s see some chicken and potatoes, shall we? Angelo has made a Roasted Wing and Thigh, Curried Onion Jam and a Potato Noodle. Kevin’s is a Boneless wing with Hot and Sour Broth, Tomato, Fennel, Potatoes, and Mushroom. Tim’s dish is a Garlic Roasted Chicken with Potato Gallette and Oyster Mushrooms, and Kenny has made a Duo (ugh) of Chicken with Moroccan Spices, a Potato Puree and Onion Confit.

For the bottom two, Tom says Tim’s dish had too much cream, and Kevin’s broth was very salty. On the good side, though Kenny’s flavors were nice and there was a lot going on. Angelo’s chicken was great and he loved the way he used the potato. And the winner is. . .Angelo! Ok. I like him. He’s pretty. He says he wants to be the first contestant to win every single challenge. Oh, honey. Dream big, but keep it possible.

Time for Elimination! Since DC is a place that everywhere in the nation is represented, they’re going to cook a dish representing where they’re from. They’ll be cooking for 300 young successful Washingtonians at the kick-off party for the Cherry Blossom festival. They’ll be divided into 4 groups, and compete head to head within those groups. One chef from each group will be eligible for the win, and one will be up for elimination.

Angelo, Kevin, Kenny, and Timothy will get to choose the other chefs in their team.

Angelo picks Tiffany. Kenny picks Tracey O’Donnell, who calls him a jerk. Kevin . . .oh, Christ. They all pick. There are too many of them. It’ll all shake out eventually. Jacqueline feels good to be picked toward the bottom, because she thinks that means they see her as a threat. The last man standing is Ed Cotton, who’s worked for Todd English and Daniel Bouloud(!!!).

You know what working for Daniel Bouloud means, don’t you kittens?

(I will never get tired of that. Not that and not Joel Robuchon’s Mushroom Kingdom either. I hope this season gives me something even ½ that wonderful)

Angelo gets to assign Ed to a group, and he assigns him to Kenny’s group.

Tomorrow they’ll have $300 to shop and 4 hours to prep. On the day of the event, they’ll have an hour to set up at the Mellon Auditorium.

More DC shots as they go to their Chef house. It’s a very gorgeous town house. I don’t know where they found a town house that would fit 17 people (actually, I don't wonder -- I've been told several times it was in upper Northwest, but still. They must've rennovated it to get that many bunks in).

Freaky haired John was unhappy with his quickfire performance, and wants to give the judges a piece of who he is. Well, John, you could trim some of your insane hair off and hand a chunk of that over, but I doubt they want it.

Commercial!

Back! They enter a Whole Foods – I’ve been told it’s the one in Silver Spring. It’s definitely not any of the ones in the city—it’s too spacious, and there appears to be a parking area.

We get some thoughts on what they’re making. Jacqueline is doing a chicken liver mousse because she’s from Hudson River Valley.

Hinckley Hilton! This is where their kitchen is set up. Arnold is nervous because of all the fancy tools.

Food flurry! Timothy wants to use something from the Chesapeake to honor DC, so he’s doing Rockfish. Alex is doing Borscht, because he’s from Russia. Kevin is doing Pennsylvania Lamb, sous vide. Jacqueline is going light on her mousseline so the guests can appreciate the flavors.

Angelo is doing some char with a smoked bacon froth, which has something to do with Connecticut. I’m not sure what, but who cares – it sounds good, and he’s pretty.

John and his hair are making maple mousse napoleons because maple just flows through the trees in Michigan. As opposed to other places, like Vermont, where the maple grows in waving fields of maple? Or something.

Tracey thinks Stephen will have no idea how to cook because he’s “a little hick from some country town.” And then she does her obnoxious laugh again. Ok. Wanted to like her. Don’t.

John and his hair have oven issues and burn their macadamia nuts. He has to redo that part of the recipe. Jacqueline decides not to strain her puree because of time, but she questions that choice. Time!

Mellon Auditorium! Jacqueline’s mouse is grainy, so she’s recooking it to smooth it out. Ten minutes! Food flurry! Partiers enter. Plate, schmooze, serve.

The judges! Eric Ripert gets his official introduction as a judge as they start their eating with Amanda’s (Brunette-CA) Red Snapper Carpaccio, Clementine, Daikon and Caraway Gelee. Next is Arnold’s (Gasian-TN) Kaffir Lime and Basil Cake, Palm Sugar Anglaise, and “Myint” Julep. I like that he’s playful with his name. Someday I plan to start a terrifying dessert company called “Jordan’s Bakers.” Or something like that, but with my real name. Anyway. This is followed by followed by Kevin’s (Joisey-NJ) Pennsylvania Lamb with Meyer Lemon and Pistachio Marmalade and Spring Onion, and Jacqueline’s (Caterer-NY) Duo (ugh) of Chicken Liver and Port Wine Mousse.

The judges eat. Gail calls Amanda’s a “messy slice of fish”. Eric says Kevin’s lamb is very tender. Gail says Jacqueline’s is coarse.

Commercial!

Back! The judges move on to the next group, where they get Stephen’s (Dad-OH) Potato Crusted Ribeye with Celery Root Puree and Scarlet Stadium Mustard Vinaigrette, Ed’s (Last Pick-MA) Sauteed Cod Cake with Boston Baked Beans and Shaved Fennel Salad, Lynne’s (CIA-NY) Corn-Camembert Ice Cream on Waffles with Bacon Prailene and Caramel Sauce,(oh, epic, epic NOM), Tracey’s (Rosie-GA) Stone Ground Grits with Maple Cheddar Cream and Port Royal Rock Shrimp, and Kenny’s (Smoove-CO) Cinnamon Coffee Rubbed Trout with Black Bean Mole, Goat Cheese Polenta and Quinoa.

Tom finds Tracey’s shrimp bland. They’re not impressed with the cod, and neither is ----

---and here I shrieked aloud and rewatched the next seconds several times, because the guy who says “I was surprised at the flavor of the baked beans. But the cod just didn’t cut it” is a friend of mine. I knew he and his partner were at one of the challenges; I just didn’t realize it would be the first one, or that any of their comments would make the cut.

(I should’ve guessed they would, though. I’m only friends with clever people who have interesting things to say. Otherwise they get jealous and uncomfortable around me, and things become awkward)

So after I finished texting him about how much I hated him, I started watching the show again. The real judges move to the meat and potatoes from Stephen. All Gail tastes is the fried, and not the steak. Eric Ripert agrees, saying “I don’t get zee plaiszure of zee ribaye.” Andy Baldwin from The Bachelor randomly hates it too, and says he wouldn’t feed it to his kids. Wait, Andy Baldwin has kids? Sigh. They think Kenny’s fish has layers of flavor.

Next group! Alex(Russian-CA) has made Deconstructed Short Rib Borscht with Crème Fraische. Except for the part where it would kill me, that doesn’t sound bad Tanesha’s (did we meet Tanesha? Oops! Here’s Tanesha Warren, guys)represents the great state of Barbados with a Jerk Chicken Sphere, Tamarind, Mango, and Cilantro. I think I would never want to eat anything called a “chicken sphere,” or really any sort of meat sphere. That is not an appetizing description.

Andrea (No Air Time-FL) has made an Italian/Miami style Pork with Potato Chorizo Gnocchi with Calabaza and Orange Gremolatta. That sounds good. Now I hope we see more of her. Then we get Tim’s (Cocky-DC) Pan Seared Maryland Rockfish with Pickeled Leeks, Dill, and Crostini.

Padma likes the gnocchi, but it doesn’t make her think of Miami. Tom says Alex’s deconstructed Borscht works. Eric Ripert thinks Tim didn’t do a good job cooking the thick skin of the rockfish.

Final group! Tiffany (Enthusiastic-TX) has made Cajun Shrimp and Crawfish Salad with Chicken Fried Tomatillos. Kelly (Married-CO) presents Spice Crusted New York Strip Steak, Fiddlehead Ferns, and Wood Mushroom Sautee. Angelo’s (PrettyBoy-CT) dish is Arctic Char with Pickled Shallots, Chillied Tapioca & Smoked Bacon Froth (Thanks for that one description, Bravo interns). And John and his Hair (Freakshow-MI) have made Maple Mousse Napoleons with Crisp Macadamia Nuts and Vanilla Sauce.

Tom likes Angelo’s dish a lot, but Gail thinks there’s a lot of dill. Eric likes the seasoning on Kelly’s steak. Gail says she doesn’t taste the maple in John and his hair’s mousse – she just tastes sugar. I think this is an easy trap to fall into – I had a similar issue with the Maple Syrup shake Good Stuff Eatery featured during the Olympics. It was good, and it was very sweet, but the notes weren’t identifiable as “maple.”

The chefs pack up and head back to their stew room. Padma calls back Kevin, Alex, Kenny, and Angelo. Everyone looks peeved, because the show’s been on 7 seasons now, and they’ve caught onto the fact that these are the guys in the lead.

Padma congratulates them for being the top in their groups.

Beginning with Kenny, Gail says her initial instinct was that his dish lacked editing, but in the end was well balanced. Tom liked Kevin’s dish a lot, and found it simple, but complex. Gail tells Angelo everything came together, and Ripert was surprised by the bacon foam. And finally, Tom thinks Alex honored his mother’s borscht by doing a deconstructed dish that represented the original.


Eric announces the winner: Angelo! Yay! He says he’s going to “set the Presidents.” Yes, I realize he means “precedent,” but I don’t know if he realizes he means precedent. Oh, Angelo. It’s good that you’re pretty and talented.

They return to the stew room and call back Stephen, John, Jacqueline and Timothy. Timothy thinks he’s joking. Ha ha, fish skin. Joke’s on you.
They enter the judges’ table room, and Padma tells them they had the least successful dishes.

Tom asks Stephen why he cut the ribeye “so thin you almost had no choice but to overcook it?” And Eric Ripert tells him “You cut eet eento too zmall peeces, an zey look like sheeken nuggaits”

(I realize it sounds like I’m making fun of Eric Ripert’s accent, but I’m just trying to phonetically capture the sexiness of it. I want to make out with his accent)

Then Gail tells Jacqueline she shouldn’t have tried to make a low fat chicken liver mousse. Jacqueline says she’s made it hundreds of times, but not without her recipe. Tom questions why she needs a recipe after making it hundreds of times.

John’s pastry was soggy, apparently. He puts this off to the pastry being premade, which he thought was ok since it was “just a vessel” for the other components. Gail points out it was a third of his dish, and he says “I guess I was just being stupid.” Oh, this is not good. Cheftestants in future seasons should watch this segment so they know what they should ABSOLUTELY NOT do when they’re in the bottom four, because this? Is a master class in fuckuppery.

Tim thought his dish was good. Ripert sexily tells him “that skeen was becoming chewy, and was not pleasant in your mouth.” Tom points out he’s the only one of the four who got to choose their competitors that didn’t win. . .in fact, he ended up in the bottom. Oh, Snap!

Deliberation. Gail pointed out that there were a lot of mistakes between the four of them. Tom calls John and his Hair’s dish amateurish. He also says Stephen got caught up in the story of his dish, and didn’t cook it well. They rag some more on the idiocy of doing a light liver mousse. Tom and Eric think Tim should’ve known better than to cook the fish with the skin on. Commercial.

Fake Back! Stew room scene. Some of them are partying and playing games with giant dice boxes. Others are trying to be serious because they’re just here to cook. Also, they’re lame and uptight. Thank you, Bravo, for underlining on day one who the fucking killjoys are. Commercial.

Back! One of them is going home.

Tom tells Stephen “If Cleveland rocks, your dish really didn’t.” Jacqueline’s mousse was not well made. They didn’t see who John was as a chef “unless you’re a first year pastry student.”

DAYUMMMMMM!

Finally, Tom thinks there’s more to DC than “parsley, aioli, and bass,” and Tim should know that.

Double DAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYUMMMMMMMMM! Tom is en fuego this evening. Let’s hope he continues to bring the slam this season.


Padma tells John and his hair to pack his knives and go. He is very disappointed. I am not. His hair scares me.

Everyone tries to act disappointed that John’s going home, but they’re not really that convincing since they met him the day before yesterday and he looks like an insane person. He says that negative experiences make you grow. Thanks for that one, Free to Be You and Me.

This season! Monuments! Holy shitballs! The money’s mine! Everybody’s a threat! I’m literally going to be a sniper! C.I.A.! NASA! Nationals Park! Adam Dunn (heart!)! Mount Vernon (heart!)! Children! There’s no crying in the kitchen! There’s no need to attack me! Your ass should be gone! You can’t cook for shit! Jonathan Waxman (heart!)! Bourdain (heart!)! Buzz Aldrin (hearted on DWTS; now this is overkill!)! Nancy Pelosi (heart)! Seriously, Nancy Pelosi, people. This shit’s gone off the rails.

Top Chef, Masters: Congratumalations, Marcus

Marcus Samuelsson
Perplexing with second dish
Is the way to win?

I’m bemused, darlings.

Let me explain: a while back, I saw two separate items “spoiling” the results of Top Chef, Masters. One had Marcus Samuelsson tabbed as the winner. The other said Rick Moonen was going to take the top prize.

So naturally, I assumed that they were a blind, and whoever was in the finale with those two would be the ultimate winner. And with the way the Round of Champions shook out, I assumed that third person would be Susur. Because, you know. . . he's Susur. He had the highest score in the entire, venerable, 2 season history of Top Chef, Masters.

And you all. . . seemed to agree in rather overwhelming numbers. (by which I mean not that the raw numbers were overwhelming – I’m not sufficiently humble to be overwhelmed by 14 voters – but that 75% of you picked Susur while the remainder were divided evenly between Marcus and Rick)

So when the edit started pointing up Marcus as the winner about halfway through the show, I felt a bit hoaxed. And I woke up this morning still feeling like it was a bit of a head scratcher.

It’s not that I don’t think Marcus Samuelsson is a fantastic chef – he is, in case you hadn’t noticed, Marcus Bloody Samuelsson—but the show gave the impression that he won with one course in his meal that the diners flatly didn’t like, or at the very least didn’t “get.”

And I know, I know, editing, blah blah blah. . . but that they gave him the win after that just feels like there was an element of something stinky involved – something somewhere between racial guilt and hipsterism. It’s like they went out of their way to reward him for making an African dish despite their decidedly confused reaction to it, either because they didn’t want to be the bunch of white people who penalized the African guy for making African food, more likely, they didn’t want to be the bunch of rubes who weren’t sophisticated enough to appreciate African food.

Anyway. It tastes a little sour to me. But that’s likely because I really, really wanted Susur to win (on a bright note, I somehow just realized that his DC restaurant is literally blocks from my house. So I’ll have to check that out at some point)

But regardless, congratulations, Marcus. I really want to eat your foie gras flan, and I’m glad you were only a dick in that one episode.

Let’s do this thing, shall we?

Los Angeles! The 3 remaining Masters roll out in their product placement vehicle. Rick reminisces about how far he’s come since last season when he couldn’t even finish his Quickfire dish in round 1. Marcus reflects on his journey this season, and how he’s put his “style and integrity” out on the line.

They pull into Union Station. . .oh that floor. So gorgeous.

Susur reflects on how he didn’t understand the rules at the beginning of the competition. We get to see all of his great moments, like when he told Tony he should be on Soprano Chefs, and when he said “aaaaahh. . .Margyoo,” and when he got the highest scores in Masters history.

K-Choi welcomes them to Los Angeles Union Station and reminds them about what’s at stake in the finale. She talks about the journey they’ve been on in this competition, and says that for the final round, they’re celebrating their journey as a chef. It’s the same final challenge they did last season – the first course is their first food memory; the second is the dish that made them decide to be a chef; and the third describes who they are as a chef.

I really love this challenge. I wish they’d use it on normal Top Chef, instead of the less specific/less guided “cook the meal of your life” thing. It seems like the childhood food course last season was a step toward this, and I’d like to see more of that

Anyway, Tom Colicchio and the three finalists from last season’s Masters will be joining the critics. Yay! Any night I get to see Hubert Keller is a good night.

Now they get to have breakfast together and reminisce at the Old Union Station restaurant, which is freaking gorgeous – it used to be a Harvey House restaurant, and was designed by Mary Colter. That’s your fun fact for the day, muffins. Don’t say you never learned anything here.

Marcus talks about how he doesn’t have food memories from Africa. . .and I momentarily think this conversation is going to a sad “We Are The World” type place. . . .but it’s because he was adopted to Sweden when he was three. Rick talks about how his father was an immigrant from Holland, and they used to clam together. We see ADORABLE Rick as a child pictures, where he’s wearing way less hip glasses than we’re used to seeing him in.

Susur says his first memory is great black bean sauce from Dim Sum with his father. Oh, yum on sticks. I need to get some Dim Sum in my belly sometime soon.

Shopping! They have an hour and a $1500 budget. Susur tells us that “being a chef is like a ninja. Your mind has be very strong.” He tries to visualize winning for the Andre Agassi Foundation for Education. He says “there’s no way I not being focused on” winning.

Rick thinks Susur is his biggest competition, because “he’s an enigma.” Oh, so Rick finds the Chinaman a mysterious, inscrutable man, eh? And Tony thought the whole Soprano Chef thing was racist.

Back to the kitchen with 4 hours to prep. Marcus talks about how he knew he was going to be a chef when he took over cooking Christmas dinner one year when his grandmother was sick, so his second course is a tribute to that.

Susur talks about knowing he wanted to be a chef when his first wife took him to eat Japanese food for the first time, and he discovered that food was a way to experience other culture He’s doing a wasabi tuna.

Rick talks about growing up in Flushing and his neighbor making bacon and egg with cheese and mushrooms, so his second course will be bacon and eggs with gnocchi and truffles.

Susur then talks about how he came to Canada with his first wife, who then got a professor position in Hong Kong. As she was going there, she was on a plane that got shot down in Russian airspace. Oh, God, now that makes sense. Now I’m actually pissed at Bravo for using it in the promos – I thought it was going to be some typical, hilariously Susur-esque thing, but instead it’s actually really sad. He wells up a bit, but says the tragedy forced him to get his shit together and learn to adapt. He thinks she’d be very proud of him.

I think so too, Susur! I love you! Commercial!

Back! Next day! They have 2.5 hours to cook. Rick talks about how he wants to see the $100,000 go to Three Square.

K-Choi enters with a “surprise” for them. Susur’s pissed off, because if there’s one thing a reality show will teach you, it’s not to trust anyone who comes in offering you a surprise, or a party, or a hidden immunity idol that looks suspiciously like a stick with a face drawn on it.

But this is one of those rare moments when it actually is a good surprise – they’ve brought in their sous chefs from their restaurants to help them out. Yay! I find it slightly hilarious that Marcus’ sous chef is black, Rick’s is white and kind of dorky looking, and Susur’s is Asian. It’s like they all hired mini-mes.

Rick is doing venison for his third course, to show he doesn’t just do fish. Marcus teases him about venison being “the fish of the forest.” Marcus is doing a tartar from his wife’s home village because his vision as a chef is to bring Africa into the food conversation.

One hour and fifteen minutes! Susur talks about falling in love with his second wife, and how he wants his children to appreciate Asian culture even though they’re mixed race and live in North America. So he’s doing a Thai lamb with polenta.

Marcus shows us a picture of his sister and talks about the problems they have getting clean water in their village, and how that makes him work harder for the UNICEF Tap project.

Susur’s antics are driving Rick nuts, because his sloppy habits and flailing around are completely contrary to Rick’s anal cleanliness.

The critics and past Master finalists enter! Time! Commercial!


Back! Oseland toasts to last season’s Masters and Gail tells them they set the bar pretty high.

K-Choi introduces the diners to the chefs, as though any of them need any introduction. Wait, no Gael Greene’s Hat? How are we having the finale? HOW CAN WE HAVE A FINALE WITH NO HAT, PEOPLE?

Augh. The night is entirely ruined now.

So the chefs start introducing their first courses (worst pictures EVER, by the way, Bravo. I could’ve managed better taking pictures of my TV screen, since that's what it looks like you did. Thanks a heap for that, elves).

Marcus explains the inspiration behind his Lightly Smoked Char with Sweet Horseradish Shellfish Broth and Mashed Root Vegetables. Then we hear about Susur’s Dim Sum memory inspired Royal of Steamed Scallop with Cantonese Black Bean Sauce, Dim Sum Shrimp and Crab Croquette (at left). Finally, Rick explains the story behind his his Glazed Kushi Oyster with Ameican Sturgeon Caviar, Hamachi and Live Sea Scallop Crudo (“Ameican” sturgeon, of course, comes from Ameica, a tiny island nation off the coast of Queens. I hope Andy Cohen shitcans his interns).


Oseland thinks Rick’s presentation is stunning and Rick Bayless says the oyster is perfectly cooked. Gail loves Susur’s black bean sauce, and Bayless says it’s Dim Sum “taken to the next level. Tom thinks Marcus’ fish is spectacular, and Chiarello calls it “a glimpse into a friend’s childhood.” Hubert Keller jokes “I would not mind growing up in that part.”

The chefs get the second course ready. Marcus doesn’t have all the ganaches on the plate. 19 seconds. He finally gets them all out with 2 seconds to go and says his whole experience there came down to those 2 seconds.

Marcus tells his Christmas story again to introduce his Salt Cured Duck with Foie Gras Ganache, Sour Tomato Jam, and Aged Balsamic (at left). Susur explains his first wife introducing him to Japanese food and how that brought about his Tuna with Wasabi Mousse, Pickled Cucumber, and Artichoke with Charred Sea Bream. And Rick talks about his neighbor’s bacon and eggs inspiring his “Bacon and Eggs”: Braised Pork Belly with a Poached Egg, Truffles, Gnocchi and Turnip.


Gail finds Rick’s gnocchi underdone, and Tom agrees that it’s chewy. Rayner says that the idea is great, but the execution iss not quite there. Tom thinks Marcus’s duck liver is genius and Oseland says “ooooh, it explodes in the most fantastic way.”

Heh. That’s what he said.

Hubert wishes Susur’s tuna “purse” had been sliced a bit thinner. Chiarello loves the broth, but Tom says it’s not as precise as Susur’s work normally is.

Back to the kitchen for one last food flurry. Rick says it’s odd to be judged by Chiarello, who beat him in the first round last season.

They introduce their third course. Marcus explains wanting to introduce African cuisine to the dialogue about food, and presents his Berberre Flavored Hamachi Meat Balls with Sea Urchin Froth and Wild Mushroom Couscous (Berberre is a sauce that’s kind of like a beubeurre when it’s completely ruined by Bravo’s interns). Susur talks about taking his first child to Thailand and introduces his Lamb Thailandaise with Chiang Mai Sausage, Peanut and Green Curry Sauces, Mint Chutney and Polenta (at left). Rick explains his fish-free Venison with Matsuake Mushrooms, Pear Butter, Stuffed Cippolini Onions, Brussel Sprout Leaves, and Natural Jus (at right, slightly below).

Bayless loves Susur’s dish. Tom thinks the sauces were well done, and Chiarello says this is his favorite of Susur’s dishes.

Bayless finds the texture of Marcus’ odd. Gail thinks the sauce is briny, but beautiful. Rick wonders if his reaction is because he doesn’t understand African food. Yup. There’s that white guilt/desire to seem hip and sophisticated coming in to play.

Hubert Keller says Rick’s venison is a perfect dish. Chiarello compares Rick cooking venison to “a baseball player playing basketball,” and says it was fun to see him stretch like that.

The diners say generic things about how this will be hard to call, and the chefs hug and congratulate each other. Commercial!

Back! Fake back! Susur talks about how he enjoys Rick, because he’s a character. Rick says Susur is a gentleman with great exuberance. Ok, so Marcus wins since no one has to stand around complimenting him, right?

Really back! They talk about how fried they are, and Rick says “there’s no losers here, really.” Susur waits a beat and says “no, but there will be two, right?”

I LOVE HIM.

They go to the Critics table. The critics look stern. Rayner thanks them for everything they’ve cooked in the last several weeks.

Rayner says Rick’s first course was one of the best oyster presentations he’s ever had. Oseland thinks it was perfect. Oseland also begs to be taken to the Dim Sum place where Susur originally had the black bean sauce that inspired his dish, because it’s phenomenal. Gail tells Marcus his dish “wowed” her, and Rayner says he honored the fish.

Oseland says that he found the gnocchi from Rick’s second course perfect even though others found it chewy. Rayner thinks the pork belly wasn’t braised enough to bring out the flavor, and Gail loved the egg. Rayner says that he loved Susur’s Sea Bream, but both he and Gail found the tuna “purse” too large and say it pulled the plate off balance. Gail says Marcus’ flan blew her away, and Rayner begs to know how he did it.

Rick explains wanting to surprise them with his third course. Oseland loved the minimalism of the third dish. Rayner asks how venison imported from New Zealand fits with his philosophy of sustainability.

Gail loved the layers of flavor in Susur’s dish. Oseland found the polenta a bit of a weak spot, but Rayner found it a “calming influence.”

Rayner says Marcus’ dish was amazingly rich, and he admires the story and technique. Oseland says the fish fell apart a bit, and Marcus says that’s the way fish is done in Africa.

K-Choi thanks them and sends them back to the kitchen for the last time. They crack the wine and toast each other.

Gail says that each of them is a “Master of their own cuisine.” But, as Susur pointed out, two of them have to lose.

They begin with Rick. Rayner says his first course was the best oyster he ever had, and Gail says his venison was extraordinary. Oseland says the meal was a story with a beautiful arc.

Rayner says Susur’s highs were exceptionally high, but Gail still can’t wrap her head around the tuna in the second course. Rayner says the third course exemplifies Susur’s skills at fusion.

Gail says Marcus’ middle course was “the perfect Marcus dish,” but Oseland says his last dish didn’t do it for him. Gail says that’s a sign that he refused to compromise the integrity of the dish for their Western palates. Rayner talks about how he’s intrigued that Marcus is looking back to the African food of his birth. Ugh, Marcus is totally going to win, isn’t he?

Commercial.

Back! The chefs reenter the critics’ table room.

They begin giving the scores with Susur, who gets a 4.5 from Rayner; a 4 from Gail a 4.5 from Oseland; and a 4 from the diners for a total of 17.

Next, Marcus gets a 4.5 from Gail; a 4 from Oseland; a 5 from Rayner (desperately trying to overcompensate for his Western palate); and a 4 from the diners. His total is 17.5 AUGH. Susur is out. I’m bummed. He’s proud that he gave his best, but says if he said acted like everything was ok “I’d bullshit to you.”

As a prelude to Rick’s scores, Oseland asks if he can marry him. Then he gives him 5 stars as an engagement present. Gail gives him 4; Rayner gives him 4; and the diners give him 4. His total, like Susur’s, is 17.

So Marcus is the winner. By half a point. He says it was the best feeling, and says people all over the world will celebrate it with him. Rick says he’s proved something to himself, and he’d do it again in a heartbeat. Marcus then claps and ululates, because that’s how they celebrate in Ethiopia, and that’s how he’s feeling right now.

And thus we end the second season of Top Chef Masters, not with a bang, nor a whimper, but with a ululation. See you all next week in D.C., right folks? (I mean, I’m always in DC, but next week Top Chef will be too. . .)

Top Chef Masters: No Thyme For Comedy

Jonathan Waxman
Improv’d Depression Chicken
Force was not with him

Ahem.

Before I launch into my usual maudlin statement about how sad I am that the leaving chef is leaving, allow me to quote myself:

“And I know – I know, I know, I know – that this season is probably heading toward a showdown between the three young-ish cocky bucks, and that this means the older, “cuddlier” contestants (the ladies and Tony and next week Jonathan) will have to go to make room for the Clash of the Titanic Egos that Bravo wants to set up as the endgame.”

Can I call ‘em or CAN I CALL ‘EM, ladies and gents?

So anyway, I’m sad but not terribly surprised that Jonathan was the one who left. He had a commanding performance in the introductory round, and got off to a strong start as part of the winning team in the round of champions, but it seems like he’s stumbled a bit ever since.

Or really, it seems like the critics have penalized him for making things that are too “simple” for a Top Chef Master. Which. . .really? REALLY? He’s Jonathan Mother Fucking Waxman, fools. Simple, perfect food is what he does. You want shrimp on trapezes, you know where to find them.

(Side note: How excited am I for the A-Team movie? It’s like it was especially designed by the universe just for me – one of my favorite childhood shows plus Bradley Cooper. I can die happy the day after I see it because my life will be so complete)

Anyway. I thought you were aces, Jonathan, and I’m going to miss you.

So let’s get this thing going, shall we?

Los Angeles! Top Chef Masters kitchen. The final four chefs file in and greet Kelly. . .and are confronted with an array of their own cookbooks.

K-Choi tells them that this is the last round before the finale, so they’d better have brought their A-game. It’s their FINAL QUICKFIRE! (bad a bam bam! Badabam bam bam! Bada bam bam! Badabam bam bam bam bam . . .)

K-Choi tells them to pair up. They just go with who they’re standing nearest -- Jonathan/Marcus; Rick/Susur. This – coincidentally? – is the same way their books are arranged on the table. Rick notices he’s the only one without his face plastered all over his book, and says he’s ok with that.

So the challenge is a cookbook swap – they’ll do a recipe from their partner’s cookbook. Oseland will be their diner, and won’t know who made what. The recipes have been selected and ingredients provided, and they get an hour and a half to cook.

Food flurry! Marcus would like to win so he’s won at least one quickfire. He wants to put a different dimension on Jonathan’s recipe. Jonathan, similarly, is toning down the spice on Marcus’ Thai Curry Chicken.

Rick says his ADD makes following the recipe tough. Plus, there are ingredients in Susur’s dish he’s not familiar with. Susur wishes there was a photograph with Rick’s recipe because he cooks “with his eyes” and doesn’t read English very well. So he focuses on the recipes rather than the method. I should add that Susur is wearing adorkable glasses here, and thus he moves up another notch in my love (and Bravo goes down one for not providing a picture of him in them. Shame on you, Bravo).

K-Choi enters and stops the clock. She reminds them of the season 5 quickfire where the cheftestants had to take a recipe from the first Top Chef cookbook and then halfway through, told to turn the recipe into soup. They have 45 minutes remaining, and must do the same thing.

Susur says this makes things even more difficult, because you have to find the foundation of the flavors. Marcus says he wants to retain the idea of crispy chicken from Jonathan’s recipe, so he makes tortilla fries to top his soup. Rick says that now he’s making basically a cioppino. Susur tells him “that’s good, Rick, that has the right smell,” and Rick is pleased because Susur doesn’t hand out compliments.

Time! Rick frets that he didn’t plate with enough broth.

Oseland starts with Jonathan’s Chicken Thai Curry Soup with Thai Basil which Oseland says is more of a porridge because of its thickness, but the taste is good. He’s surprised at how mild it is.

Marcus’s Chicken Soup with Crispy Tortilla Chips & Avocado Goat Cheese Quacamole comes out next. Oh Jesus. Quacoamole, Bravo? Quacamole? What IS that -- Guacamole made for ducks? Idiots.

But otherwise -- YUM. Both the original recipe and the soup variation sound awesome Oseland says it looks gorgeous, and thinks it’s not far from the original recipe.

Then he gets Susur’s Tunisian Fish Soup with Olives, Capers, White Wine, Cumin & Coriander Seeds. Rick says he’s going to feel like crap if his recipe doesn’t come out right. Oseland says it’s a little “held back”.

Finally, Rick’s Scallop, Mussel & Pancetta Asian Style Cioppino is served. Oseland says it’s a very “abundant” soup, and that the scallop is cooked beautifully. He does wish there was more broth, because it doesn’t have “the essence of soup.” Rick says he knew it.

Commercial!

Back! K-Choi is ready to give them their soup scores. Jonathan gets 3 stars. He feels lowballed. Rick gets 3.5. Susur gets 4. And Marcus gets . . .4.5 stars! He wins the final quickfire. He’s super excited.

K-Choi tells them they’ve worked incredibly hard to get there, so they get the day off to see a Groundlings show before the next elimination. Rick says “thank GOD, Kelly.” Oh Rick. Don’t you reality TV types ever learn? Heed the shockingly wise words of the dreaded Necktattoo: It’s never a party. It’s always a trap.

They get into their civvies and go out to the Groundlings theatre. Marcus is wearing a sweater I think I had as an 8 year old girl in 1985—it’s Rainbowy and awesome.

They watch the Groundlings’ performance. Susur tells us “I have never been to a comedy show like this. Is silly thing, and I got a kick out of it.” Jonathan says it’s fun, and he’s glad they’re not cooking.

You know where this is going right? The Groundlings guy has the audience yell out a color, a feeling, and an ingredient, just like the Second City folks did back in season 4, when Jen got bounced for her “orange turned on asparagus.”

So the Groundlings tell the chefs to stick around after the audience leaves. Their challenge tomorrow is to improvise dishes based on the phrases. Of course. And make dinner for the cast the next night. Of course.

Marcus gets to choose first since he won the quickfire, and he takes “Violet Pleasure Salmon.” Susur takes “Chocolate Lust and Peanut Butter.” Rick goes with “Red Anger Bacon” and Jonathan is stuck with “Burnt Sienna Depression Avocado.” Commercial!

Back! Shopping! They have $400 and 45 minutes. Rick has plans for a spicey kimchi cream with oysters and pork belly. Jonathan is not thrilled to be doing depression, but he’s thinking about shapes with a depression in them (which would go VERY nicely with an avocado, if you think about it, if you just served it sliced and with the pit out. But the down side is that avocados just can’t be depressed. They’re too green and happy. The only depressed avocados are the ones that got left to sit so long they went all grayish brown and awful).

Susur is going to make a chocolate peanut butter lust dessert with humour. Then everyone laughs at Marcus’s inability to budget, and Jonathan and Rick chip in their leftovers. Dammit, these people are too fucking nice for words.

Back to the kitchen at Haute with 2.5 hours to cook. Food flurry. Rick is concerned that immersion cooking the pork is going to take a lot of time, and he has to improve the sealing technique with plastic wrap since he doesn’t have a vacuum machine.

Jonathan talks about how improv comes naturally to him because he used to be a trombone player.

Marcus is using caviar for his pleasure, beets for his violet, and salmon for his. . .salmon. It will be cooked over low heat.

Naturally, the best comments come from Susur on his dessert: “ the dessert that I have, chocolate peanut butter and lust. It has to appear with that kind of. . .sexiness about it. You know I shape the chocolate crumble like an underwear, and then butter cookie tuille for. .. looks like a vagina!”

Ladies and gentlemen, yes, you heard it right: Susur Lee made edible underwear for the penultimate challenge in Top Chef Masters.

Rick has a pork-tastrophe—his loins are not submerged, they’re not cooking. . .it’s a mess.

Jonathan is making comfort food that would get someone out of a depression, so he’s making roast chicken and a side of guacamole. Nom. Marcus talks about wanting to win for UNICEF Tap because the other chefs have won so much more money.

Rick cuts his pork loin, and worries that it’s not quite evenly cooked. Time!


K-Choi welcomes the critics (the guys and Gail) and the groundlings. Rick serves first and explains his Red Anger Bacon dish: Pork Loin with Poached Oysters, Bacon & Spicy Kim Chee with Maudite Beer.

“Kim Chee,” I can only assume, is the Bravo interns’ interpretation of Kimchi. Or an Asian hooker. “You want a girl? Yeah, I got Kandi Kane, Didi Cupps, or Spicy Kim Chee.”

Gail says “the oysters are gooood.” A lady Groundling is sad that her pork is undercooked. Rayner wishes he’d put more spice in for the anger.

Marcus is next with Violet Pleasure Salmon inspired Confit of Salmon with Caviar, Shrimp & Sake (sigh. . . there was also tuna and shrimp involved in the plate somehow, but the Bravo interns have opted not to mention this). K-Choi says the salmon is perfect and luscious. Oseland says the caviar is really good too. One girl groundling really liked the plating, but another thought there was too much going on.

Next up is Jonathan’s Burnt Sienna Depression Avocado. He explains about “restaurant” meaning “to restore one’s spirit,” and the concept behind his antidepressant Mesquite Grilled Chicken Breast, French Fries, Yams & Avocado with Grapefruit.

K-Choi tells everyone “I’m getting like a moist section of my breast now.” Gail replies “That sounds dirty.” Oseland says the fries are very good, though there’s no “great epiphany of flavor” in them.

Finally, Susur brings out his Chocolate Peanut Butter Lust inspired Chocolate Mousse Infused with Coriander & a Caramel Peanut Butter Mousse & a Chocolate Crumble. Lust is represented by “the textural smoothness and chocolate,” and there’s also the chocolate crumble shaped like a “ little triangle, is almost look like a pair of thongs.”

K-Choi says the peanut butter is out of control, and Oseland loves the coriander.

They talk about the vaginal shape, though one guy says it reminds him of a satellite dish. Oseland asks “You didn’t think it was a vagina?” The guy replies “I think EVERYTHING is a vagina.”

And that’s why little Jimmy Oseland cried into his pillow that night – because the big gruff grumbly bear he’d been trying to chat up all through dinner said he thought about vaginas a LOT. Little Jimmy Oseland hadn’t learned yet that sometimes people say things they don’t mean, or that sometimes the boys who claim to be thinking about vaginas all the time are the ones who aren’t really thinking about them at all. Little Jimmy Oseland was so wrapped up in his own protective armor of snark that sometimes he was unable to detect the same quality in other people, and so he often missed the opportunity to connect with someone who could’ve been just right for him. . .

Back in the kitchen, Rick tells Susur his dessert is killer. The Groundlings rate the dishes. Commercial!

Back! Fakeback! Jonathan talks about how most superstitions are really about being “polite or careful” and they compare their superstitions.

Really back! Marcus talks about what a fantastic journey it’s been, and how they should all be proud to be the last 4 out of 22. They all toast to having worked together and become friends. Awww. . .

Critics table! They begin their critique with Rick, who explains his “Anger Red Bacon” dish again. Gail loved the layers of spice and flavor, and says the oyster was beautiful. Oseland says his pork loin was “rare to the point of almost being raw.” Rick claims that it was just the texture that made it seem raw.

Marcus talks about he loved doing Violet Pleasure Salmon. Rayner asks him if there was ever a point where he thought “enough.” Oseland agrees that the plate could’ve been edited, though he loved the tuna and the sauce with the two caviars.

Jonathan sarcastically says he “won the lottery” with Burnt Sienna Depression Avocado. Rayner loved the skin on the chicken, but asks if he thought it was complex enough for this phase of the competition. Jonathan defends his choices saying the Groundlings sketches weren’t “deep but they were entertaining,” and that he wanted to reflect that in his dish.

Susur tells us “I always believe sex and food comes hand in hand, and very good food makes people very sensuous.” Gail told him it was the pinnacle of “going for it whether it was going to be immature or delicious.” Rayner asks if it really needed the raspberry puree (and now I want to sing RASPBERRY PUREE) and Susur says that gave it the feminine flavor. Yes, because nothing gives feminine flavor like a viscous red fruit syrup.

The chefs go back to the kitchen and crack the wine as usual.


Oseland says that only two of them really brought it on at this phase of the game. Gail says Rick’s dish had beautiful elements, but Oseland thinks it wasn’t confident. K-Choi says this is “the unobvious route” but Rayner points out “sometimes the obvious route is obvious for a reason.”

Of Marcus, Rayner says the plate was out there and took risks that paid off, especially the caviar cream: “Please give me a big bowl and someone to spread it on.” Oseland agrees that it was delicious. They don’t care for the “pleasure shrimp” though.

They felt for Jonathan getting shafted with his phrase, and Rayner admired his sturdy defense of his dish. Gail says he’s probably the best chicken roaster in the country, but wonders if that can really put him at the top of the competition.

Finally, onto Susur’s dessert. Rayner thought the plate was juvenile, but Gail was happy to see some immaturity in Susur. The chefs file back in. Three of them will be moving on to the finale to compete for $100,000 for their charity.

They start with the 2 with the highest scores. First is Susur, who gets 4.5 from Rayner; 4 from Gail; 4 from Oseland; and 4.5 from the diners for a total of 17. He’s through to the finale. . .but is he the winner of this round?

His competition is Marcus, who gets 4.5 from Gail; 4.5 from Oseland; 4.5 from Rayner; and 4 from the diners. His total is 17.5. So he wins $10,000. And another sweep! That’s three sweeps in a row during the round of Champions, right? Wow.

So that leaves Jonathan and Rick in the bottom. Sigh. Commercial.

Back! Marcus talks about how it sucks that either Jonathan or Rick won’t be moving on with them.

The critics give Jonathan his scores. He gets 3 from Rayner; 3 from Gail; 2.5 from Oseland; and 3 from the diners for a total of 11.5.

Rick gets 3 from Oseland; 3.5 from Rayner; 3.5 from Gail; and 3.5 from the diners. His total is 13.5. So Rick moves through to the finale, and Jonathan is out.

Rick says he’s a ball of mixed emotions, because Jonathan is an admirable, wonderful individual.

Jonathan says the saddest part of leaving is not getting to work with the other chefs any more, and then he says something nice about each of them. He’s proud of what he did.

Next! This is it! My wife has been shot down in Russian Air Space. Wait, what???? Keller! Chiarello! Bayless! Colicchio!