Project Runway: New Beginnings; Same Old Bullshit.

Poor McKell is out
This is what they call bullshit
Bad judges! Bad call!

These, my darlings, are the times that try ladies’ souls. Namely mine.

I hated that episode last night. I hated the 90 minute format. I hated the fact that there were 17 designers (not really new – I always hate the early episodes when there are six million designers or chefs of girls in the running to be America’s Next Top Model. I could never be a Duggar, because I’d lose track of my own kids after about number 6). I hated many of the designers, or at least what we were allowed to see of them so far. I hated Jason’s hat. I hated Heidi’s haircut.

This might be the season that does me in. And I know I’ve said that before, but I really, really, really mean it this time. No more girl who cried wolf.

Because last night? Was bullshit. McKell’s dress was really cute. There were six or seven other looks out there that were total ass. Further, she made her dress out of a man’s shirt, so she achieved the transformation aspect of the challenge as well as the actual “making good clothes” aspect. And she lost to a dude that turned a kimono backwards and a chick that made ugly printed pants into ugly printed ruched capris.

I can’t wrap my head around it. I woke up – no joke – four or five times last night thinking THAT MADE NO SENSE!!! And now, 8 or so hours later, I still don’t understand.

If I’m that out of it – if I’m in that much discord from episode one – can I hold on for the rest of the season? Should I try.

We’ll see. I’m not making promises, but we’ll see.

So to kick things off, something got slightly effed up with the DVRing process. So we kind of miss the first part of the first segment, which seems to consist of Tim and Heidi doing some weird rapid fire introduction of the designers. Then there’s an abbreviated version of the usual “This! Is Pwoject Wunway!” intro from Heidi, and we start seeing the designers – all bleeding 17 of them – arriving in New York and giving more detailed introductions of themselves:

Ivy who thinks Project Runway is the Ivy show.
Casanova, who has an impossibly thick accent and red pants. He’s “thinkeeng either New Jork eat me or I eat New Jork.”
Sarah, who’s very blonde.
AJ, who’s from St. Charles, MO and designs for “the party girl.” I have cousins in St. Charles. The party girls there dress pretty much like heftier versions of Kate Gosselin.
Peach, who’s name is Peach Carr, which in and of itself is awesome. Also, she’s 50, so she’s resigned to being the “old lady” of the show and jokes that she’s “expecting like a 9 year old to be my roommate.”

Instead, she’s greeted by Nicholas, who tells her he can’t wait to beat her. Hardy har. Then we get:

Kristen, who’s background is in graphic design, and who embraces her mistakes. Literally, she says she “embraces the crooked zippers.” I don’t think I’m going to like this one.
McKell, who is from Utah and has dreads, and has a blue coat in her portfolio that I love. She also has a 9 month old baby that she left at home to be here.
Jason, who thinks he’s auditioning for a Clockwork Orange remake based on the stupid hat he’s wearing. Also, he’s the token straight guy.
Gretchen, who we learn is Irish-German. This is a weird thing to learn about a designer, and we only learn it because Jason asks her for no apparent reason except to manage to work the fact that he’s Italian into the conversation. And of course he is.

Anyway, Gretchen has awesome cheekbones.

Next up is Mondo, who is one of two Christian Sirriano wannabes we’re blessed with this season. Also, I was in a play in junior high called “Little Luncheonette of Terror” that prominently featured an alien named Mondo (ed note: except apparently it was "Mongo," and old age is eating my brain). Prepare for me to make obscure jokes about that, like referencing the lyrics to the song “Mondo Mambo.” (ed note: or "Mongo Mambo." Either way, "the whole world will do the Mongo Mambo/ we'll all be dancing to his beat/when we do the Mongo Mambo/ we'll all be dancing at his feet!") No one will ever get these jokes; I am the only one who’ll find them funny. I know this, and yet it won’t stop me.

Then we get Christopher from San Francisco.
April tells him she loves San Francisco. She just graduated and is inspired by morgues. Oh, it’s sweet when 22 year olds think they’re original and edgy, isn’t it?

This segment is capped by Michael, who lives in Palm Springs and makes couture in the desert.

These folks and 3 unlucky souls who haven’t merited an introduction yet descend on Lincoln Center, where they’re greeted by Tim and Heidi. There’s some of the usual introductory blather about what they’re competing for (a spot in the increasingly short term pop cultural memory and the ability to spend your life famewhoring and designing shoes for Payless, if you’re really, really lucky). Then Tim tells them that they’re all so talented they couldn’t make the cut from 17 down to 16, so their first challenge is really their last audition.

They all look aghast and yap a bit about how they thought they’d arrived and they’re not even on the show yet! Hah. Commercial.

Back. The designers are told to pull one item out of their bags to incorporate into their garments. So they all unzip their luggage and start pawing. While they’re doing this, we meet Michael from St. Louis (HOLLA!) who’s into knitwear.


Having identified the piece they want to use, they’re now told to pass it to their right. Because they’re not incorporating their OWN items into their garments – their favorite clothes and things are now at the tender mercies of their competitors.

Casanova is upset. “I took like one of my favorite pants; it’s like $1070.”

Seriously, man – you spend too much on pants.

They have a mere 5 hours to complete their look, and the judges must be able to see the original garment in the final design. Gretchen takes a moment to tell us about her “pseudo hippie lifestyle,” and how even though she designs sustainable clothes and things, she wants to be known for doing clothes that are beautiful first and green as an additional plus.

The designers head over to Parsons. We meet Valerie, who talks about being poor as a kid and shopping at a store called “Weiners.”

Tim arrives and tells them about the work room, the Brother sewing room, the HP notebooks for each of them, the Charmin restroom, the Frito-Lay breakroom, and six million other branding opportunities. . .I mean technical advantages available. Then he tells them that for this challenge, Mood has come to them.

They have 15 minutes to sketch and then they’ll go to the “Mood Annex,” which is just a bunch of bins with bolts of fabrics. So they sketch, and we meet Andy, who designed pageant gowns, and is the other Christian Siriano style aspirant.

Then they go to the annex. The group I watch with doesn't like the annex – we think it cheapens the Mood experience. “What’s Tim going to say, ‘thank you, Annex?’” one of my friends asks.

Back in the workroom, they all start incorporating each others garments into new looks. Peach has problems with Michael’s scarf because it keeps unraveling. Commercial.

Back. Three hours left. Nicholas is a nervous wreck.


And it’s time for the Tim-thru! Yay, the only thing that’s always good about this show. He starts with McKell, who is frazzled, but Tim thinks her dress is adorable.

I agree with Tim. Nicholas is trying to work a polyester jacket into his evening look.

Tim moves to Casanova, and is concerned about the amount of skin that will be showing. Tim asks if the look will be “sexy or is it vulgar?” Casanova thinks “eez sexy.” Tim’s expression tells him he’s wrong, but English facial expressions are apparently Cassanova’s second facial expression language, and he doesn’t get it.

April is working with a tuxedo jacket and doesn’t know how she’s going to finish. Jason is wearing something Tim calls a “designers corset,” which is kind of like a tool belt, but for designers. And a corset. He’s turning a kimono into a dress by turning it backwards. Tim shifts his glasses menacingly, because like the audience, he knows that Jason has just designed a Snuggie.

Peach shows Tim the problems she’s having working with Michael’s scarf, which is unraveling. He gives her some ideas about how to work with it.

Finally, he meets with Mondo, who has turned a tote into a dress. Tim advises him to be youthful in styling the look because it’s kind of matronly.

Commercial.

Back. Tim sends in their models, and tells them they have ten minutes to fit them before sending them to the Product Placement Salon for an hour. He also tells them to use the Piperlime Accessory Wall. “Did Bluefly go out of business?” one of my friends asks. I still get at least one e-mail from them a day, so I'd guess the answer is no -- they just probably had the sense to leap off this sinking ship and leave Heidi paddling madly for a replacement.

Peach stands on a chair to fit her model. Jason is concerned that his model is busty, calling it a “big fucking distraction.” This is so you never forget, not even for a moment, that Jason is straight. He’ll die if you forget that. He’s like Tinkerbell – he needs you to believe in his heterosexuality to live. He vows to be clinical “like a doctor.” Or, you know, like a professional designer who’s capable of professionalism and not a dick.

45 minutes. They hit the Garnier station. Peach is confused, but not as confused as Casanova who tries to give hair directions to the makeup guy (who, not for nothing, has a handlebar moustache).

15 minutes. Kristen accidentally left her model in hair and forgot to take her to makeup. Jason staples – staples – his model into her gown.

Tim collects them for the runway. There’s a scene were Tim thinks Casanova’s model is undressed, but it’s just that she’s wearing so very little in terms of clothing.
Commercial!

Back! Runway! Heidi tells them that there are 17 of them now, but “after tonight, there will be. . .less than 17.”

Oh my god, y’all. Heidi has forgotten how to subtract one. The math was the only actual work she really did in this series. It was her only marketable skill now that she’s too old to model. What is she going to fall back on?

Heidi looks rough, by the way. She’s overtanned, she looks tired, and her hair has been cut into a disastrous mom shag. It’s not good.

She introduces the judges – CSDA lifetime achievement award winner Michael Kors (Hi guys); holder of an indefinable vanity post at Marie Claire Nina Garcia (hi everyone), and Selma Blair, who has resorted to being a fashion icon now that she can’t get cast in movies anymore.

So let’s start the interminable parade of crap.

Valerie’s is a weird pink and gold thing. Peach has made an adorable black and white halter dress (at left). McKell’s is a cute pink and blue floral number. Andy has made some black pants thing with a cape – it’s weird, but it looks well made.

Sarah has made a grey onesie that. . .accentuates the vaginal area. Nicholas has made an iridescent evening gown. Mondo has made an ugly green and print hooker dress. Ivy’s is a fun silver top with some ugly ass Capri pants. Michael has made a pink scarf top with a pleather skirt. I think it’s ok, but the consensus in the room seemed to be that it was a street walker uniform.

Kristen’s is a grey architectural dress. Christopher has made …my notes call it a “hinky camo dress.” Not sure what that means. April has made a messy short black dress with a vest. Gretchen has made a boring ass black dress. Michael has made a wrap dress.

Jason’s black trashbag/couture Snuggie (right) parades down the runway, and one of my friends points out “she looks like she’s ready to get her hair cut.” AJ has made a prom dress, and we finish up with Casanova, who has slapped a grey skirt on his model and draped a scarf over her tits (left). He still thinks it’s not vulgar. He's still wrong. I'd think it was a cultural issue, but I can't think of any culture in the world where it's acceptable to go out in public with a trashbag over your nethers and a scarf over your tits.

Heidi calls AJ, Andy, Valerie, Sarah, Peach, Kristen, Michael, Mondo, Michael, and Christopher. They’re safe.

That’s Bullshit move #1 right there – Peach should’ve won.

The judges then announce that Gretchen is the unanimous winner.

And there we have Bullshit move #2. Gretchen made a black polyester dress (at right) that looks like something that they would’ve made us wear in high school choir. In Arizona. In 1993. And even then, we would’ve bitched about how ugly it was.

But somehow Heidi thinks it’s “chic and fashionable.” Kors can “see it on a million girls,” probably because he has seen it on a million girls. At a high school choir festival. In Arizona. In 1993. What he didn’t see was all of them bitching about how ugly it was. And Selma Blair thinks it’s “simply elegant.”

Ugh.

Gretchen says it feels really good to win, and she has a suspicion that a lot of people will be going home. As if to support her prediction, Heidi tells the remaining designers that there’s no top 3 and bottom 3 this week – they’re all in the bottom.

Commercial.

Back. They start the deliberation with Ivy. Kors doesn’t know why Peach packed the ugly ass pants in the first place, and thinks Ivy didn’t really transform them. Nina tells her the blouse is “mumsy” and an odd length. Heidi demonstrates her tremendous talent for overstating the obvious by telling her she made pants out of pants. And Selma Blair calls it a “small town hick outfit.”

Moving to Jason, Heidi says “Jason, Jason, Jason,” in what is clearly supposed to be a “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!” tone. Oh, Heidi. You fail at American cultural references. Then she says it looks like a hairdressing cape. Selma Blair finds something interesting about it. Selma Blair is trying to drag the episode out long enough to get a second day’s per diem out of it. Nina asks him “did you think you could just put it on backwards and we wouldn’t notice?”

Heidi asks April what the dress would look like with the belt off. Kors tells her that if she’s going to do deconstruction, she has to show them that she CAN construct first, and Nina tells her the outfit looks like an “80’s streetwalker.”

Nina then tells McKell she likes the mixed fabrics but hates the styling. Kors agrees with Nina and says he didn’t get any cohesion out of it. Heidi thinks it’s butt ugly.

This is bullshit moment #3. Please think about some of the ass Heidi wears for a moment. Now look at McKell’s cute little dress. I would like to punch Heidi in her over tanned, fadingly beautiful face.

Heidi tells Nicholas his outfit looks odd, and Kors thinks it didn’t mesh together.

We finish with Casanova. Kors tells him it’s “odd;” that his model looks like a “mother of a bride who’s a belly dancer;” a “sexaholic conservative;” and a “pole dancer in Dubai.”

Oh, Kors. I’ve missed you most of all.

Nina finds it almost fascinating, but fascinatingly bad. There are then problems where they ask him why he should stay, but he doesn’t understand. So Nina asks him in Spanish. . .and apparently he still doesn’t understand, because he replies “I should still think outside of the box but in a more conservative way. Probably.”

The judges send the contestants off stage. Ivy worries that “we can cancel the Ivy show.”


The judges deliberate. Ivy didn’t transform her garment. Casanova’s taste level is actually scary – Selma Blair thinks you’d find his dress “in a weird kind of store in the mall, that’d have a name like. . .Dazzles.”

Suddenly I like her much better --maybe because I'm pretty sure I've actually walked past the store she's talking about several times. It's at the Beltway Plaza Mall (aka "the stabbing mall," because people get stabbed there), to the left of the enterance nearest the Target (not the Target enterance -- the mall enterance between the Target and the Party City off of the main parking lot).

Kors actually liked the way Jason’s look was put together. Selma Blair thinks they should give April a pass on the unfinished seams. McKell’s styling was a disaster.

Nicholas made a boring dress, but clearly knows how to make clothes.

So Kors asks the question of the episode – should they reward the person who’s safe, but someone who didn’t work out but clearly tried.

Commercial.

Back. April is in. Nicholas is in. Jason and his fetching hat are in.

To the remaining 3, Heidi tells McKell they were perplexed by her styling. Casanova’s was fascinatingly bizarre. And Ivy made pants out of pants.

McKell is out. And there we have bullshit moment #4. She’s out for bad styling on a good dress. Jason and Casanova stay for a stapled Snuggie and a boob scarf….or because they’re characters. You be the judge. If your stomach can handle it.


So Ivy and Casanova both get another shot. McKell looks completely stricken when she hears this. Tim Gunn tells her he stands by his statement that her dress was adorable, but that the fit and the styling did her in.

McKell says some nonsense about following her dreams, and disappears from our screens forever. The other designers move into Atlas, hope that everything will be better tomorrow and go to bed.

Next time! One day challenge! Another element! Superbly finished! It’s all in my head! You tried to do way too many things with this design! Is this a walk of shame dress? And Heidi tries to avoid the math again by asking “how many of you do we want to get rid of?”

Top Chef, DC: Power, the Palm, and Pea Puree

Doesn’t eat swordfish?
Is Michelle Bernstein’s “rival?”
Ok, Andrea.

Seriously, hon, if you’re having your picture taken for your bio for the highest rated food show on cable, why on earth would you dress like a comedienne from the early 90’s?

It’s hard for me to feel too bad for Andrea. I really think she hung in about as long as she possibly could’ve, and she’s been in the top or winning group a handful of times.

Plus, unlike a lot of people who never really stand out from the pack, Andrea’s actually had a storyline of sorts – she will forever be remembered as the chick who thought she was Michelle Bernstein’s rival.

And honestly, I don’t so much have time to feel bad for her. My internet at home has been fekakta since I got back from the cats’ house on Sunday, and I am currently sitting in Starbucks finishing up this recap and scorching the crap out of my mouth on one of their egg sammiches. AND the Bravo interns have no episode photos up, so I’m having to create my own using the preview videos and my mad freeze framing skillz, and the videos are loading slow and playing choppily and failing if I try to scan back. So this morning is a royal pain in my ass is what I’m saying. And tomorrow is likely to be the same, but Lifetimey-er.

You all are lucky I love you.

Here’s my takeaway from this episode: I’m sick of all the other girls talking shit about how Amanda doesn’t deserve to be there. Why not, stupid bitches? She’s been in the bottom a couple of times, yes. She’s also been in the top. How is she so much worse than you are? If you don’t like her, say you don’t like her. Stop trying to frame it as “she doesn’t DESERVE to be here,” because the logic just doesn’t support it.

Let’s get a move on, shall we? I have to be at work in 50 minutes.

Have I ever told you what I do during the credits, loves? I chant out who’s here and who’s gone to the tune of the theme song. So this week it’s Gone! Gone! (Food) Here! Here! (food) Gone! Here! Here! Here! Here! Gone! Here! Gone! (whisk) Here! Gone! Here! Here! Gone

Morning! Top Chef DC Townhouse! Ok, I think showing the Vietnam wall as an establishing shot is a little tacky. Kelly is freaked that people from her room keep getting whacked. Kevin is glad he finally won. Kenny, despite having heard Michelle Bernstein slam his food, still thinks he was there ONLY for strategy. It’s nice how he’s completely unable to process the reality of the situation. Angelo is sad that Tamesha’s gone, but Tiffany wonders if he submarined Tamesha and Stephen, since he helped with both their dishes and they both sucked.

Hinckley Kitchen! Quickfire! Aaron Schock of the 18th district of IL and the infamous questionably gay fashion choices tells them how the first thing you hear about in your ethics training is food.

. . .sigh.. . .

Padma tells them something about how so you can’t sway congressmen, everything you feed them has to be on a toothpick. (this is actually to keep the congressmen lean and hungry so they don't get fat and discontented in their captive state. The National Zoo does the same thing with the pandas)

So their challenge is to devise a delicious hors d’ouevre that packs the punch of a full dish. And it’s a high stakes quickfire – the winner gets immunity and $20,000. Andrea really wants to win because $20,000 would help pay off the debt for her struggling restaurant. For maybe the first time, I notice that Andrea has a jacked up grill – it’s not that she’s got hillbilly teeth or anything, it’s just that something about her top fronts is a little bit wanky.

(Look, I’m a tooth obsessive. I’m sorry. It’s one of the drawbacks of being one of three kids in your high school who had perfect or borderline perfect teeth while everyone else had braces. People’s teeth fascinate and repulse me. I had a hard time getting to know two of my closest friends because they both had jacked up teeth, and it took me awhile to get past that. I’m super glad I did, of course. I’m also super glad one of them has since had that mess fixed)

30 minutes! Food flurry! Everyone makes a run for the protein. Kenny is doing a mojito relish to infuse a cocktail into his bite as well. Stephen feels like he’s going to get the $20K and immunity. Alex thinks Stephen overdoes it a little. Tiffany thinks Amanda doesn’t seem like she knows what she’s doing. Amanda doesn’t like making hors d’ouevres – she thinks it’s boring.

12 minutes! Andrea is used to making hors d’ouevres because she does a lot of group business. Angelo’s pineapple is too damp. Ed is having a hard time conceptualizing everything.

Time! Padma and Schock go around tasting the dishes. They start with Kevin’s Grilled Pork Kabob On Mushroom With Sherry Vinegar. Andrea has made Buttermilk Fried Chicken, Pecan Cheddar Waffles, Pickled Watermelon & Black Pepper Maple Gravy. Ed’s dish is a Duo of Tuna: Crunchy Tuna Confit, Grilled Tuna with Avocado, Sweet & Sour Watermelon, which Schock tells him has the flavors of Asia “without the long plane flight”.

Next up is Tiffany’s Crispy Pork Roulade with Prosciutto, Date & Red Pepper Coulis, followed by Amanda’s Lamb Kabob with Heirloom Tomatoes & Salsa Verde. Kenny has made Tandoori Spiced Sockeye Salmon & Shrimp with Mango-Mojito Relish. Then they get Angelo’s Duo of Tuna: Crunchy Tuna Confit, Grilled Tuna with Avocado, Sweet & Sour Watermelon.

In the last group, we have Stephen’s Scallop & Beef with Crispy Potato, Bearnaise Sauce, which Schock finds “very meaty.” It’s followed by Alex’s Scallops with Crispy Bacon, Strawberries & Basil Essence, and they finish with Kelly’s Scallops with Watermelon, Pickled Watermelon Rind & Watermelon Vinaigrette.

Once again, I’m struck by what an unoriginal group of hacks this is – they’re told to make something on a toothpick, and pretty much everyone has made a kebab or a scallop. Bo. Ring.

Padma asks Schock to list the chefs who had the most difficulty. He chooses Alex; Ed, who’s dish looked better than it tasted, and Kelly, who’s dish lacked flavor.

For the top, he lists Kevin because he tasted his dish first and thought about it all around the room; Angelo, who’s dish was like “fireworks in my mouth,” and Stephen. He tells Stephen “All I could think of when I saw yours was ‘wow. There’s a lot on that stick.”

Oh, Rep. Schock. That’s what he said. And by “he,” I mean your gay homosexual turquoise belt, and your bi-curious pink checked shirt.

And the winner is. . .Angelo! Cue insincere applause from the competition. Kevin is pissed off that Angelo keeps winning for doing the same thing over and over. He makes a dumb comment about how the judges “like eating Chinese food all the time.”

I’m so fucking sick of all these asshole hacks equating “Asian influence” with “Chinese food” or “Sooey sauce.”

Commercial! I don’t understand the music they’re using in the Project Runway promo. Does someone die this season or something? (please please please let someone die or something) Because it sounds like a commercial for an Indie suspense flick – probably one where there are a lot of kill me obvious film studenty visual references to Hitchcock, and a “shocking twist” at the end. Heidi Klum’s been dead the whole time!

Back! Elimination. For their challenge they’ll take part in an old school political tradition. . .the Power lunch. They’ll be taking over the kitchen at the historic Palm steakhouse. They’ll serve 24 diners each using 5 of the main ingredients on the menu.

They draw knives for their proteins: Kevin has lamb chops; Ed gets lobster; Andrea gets swordfish; Kelly gets porterhouse steak; Alex gets salmon; Stephen also gets salmon; Tiffany gets swordfish; Amanda gets porterhouse; Angelo gets lobster; and Kenny gets lamb chop.

Padma assures them they’re not cooking head to head – they’re competing with everyone, not just those with their ingredients.

Whole Foods! 30 minutes and $300. Stephen has 3 great power lunch dishes for salmon, so he feels like this is his day. Kevin feels like he has to be competitive towards everyone, even though Kenny, who’s a friend, is the other person who has lamb. Andrea hates swordfish and only spends $181 of her budget. Oh, biiiiiiig mistake, Frizzoli and Smiles.

Hinckley kitchen! 2 hours to prep. Angelo is afraid of his 4 pound lobsters. Ed feels like the size of the lobsters puts him at a disadvantage. Alex thinks his portions of salmon are “dinosaur style” and big enough for 2 people. Amanda’s never cooked a porterhouse steak before, so she starts taking the steak off the bone. Kelly points out that this makes it not technically a porterhouse, so she thinks it’s a bad move.

Angelo’s not familiar with a power lunch. He gets his lobsters into a pot and throws a sheet pan on top. There’s a clanging noise as one of the lobsters – we’ll call him Greg – tries to fight his way out. Oh, Greg. You put in a valiant effort. However, we both have our time in life, and this day just happens to be your time to be poached and served with butter and crammed down Art Smith’s gaping craw.

Ed is freaking out because he’s spent all of his time breaking down the lobsters. 3-2-1! Prep time is over!

Night! Top Chef, DC townhouse! Alex still doesn’t know what he’s doing and has too many ideas. Kenny is wearing his fucking beige velour bathrobe that everyone thinks is pimp for no apparent reason. Alex might do something with peas, and Andrea asks “the same ones that Ed got?” Then he and Andrea talk about how good Ed’s pea puree looked. Alex shrugs.

Ed and Tiffany hang out in a bedroom. She tells him not to doubt himself. Despite the fact that they’re sitting on separate beds, and roughly 9 feet apart, Andrea thinks that if Tiffany’s fiancée caught wind of what was going on “Ed would be in trouble.” Oh em gee, I KNOW. Isn’t it DREADFUL when your significant other has a friendship with a person of the opposite sex (or the same sex, if that’s your thing)? Ed would be in SUCH TROUBLE if Tiffany’s fiancée ever found out he was hanging out in the same room as HIS WOMAN.

Ugh. Commercial!

Oh, this is the first time I’ve seen the Jenny Craig commercial (actually, that's the wrong one but you'll get the idea) with that horrible comedienne with the sound on (I usually see it at the gym in the morning, on the elliptical machine tv where the captions don’t work). With the sound off, it looks like a parody commercial done by a horrible comedienne. With the sound on, it’s obviously someone fighting for scraps of cultural relevance.

Back! Palm Steakhouse! They crowd into the kitchen where they are greeted by Bruce Bozzi Jr. He tells them this is the first time they’ve handed over the kitchen since his g-grandfather opened the restaurant in 1926. Tom will be watching them, and the winning chef will not only get their dish on the menu, but have a caricature of themselves on the wall.

Food flurry! Kelly wants Amanda to go home because “she’s not very experienced and she shouldn’t be here right now.” She also won’t share the salt with people, so she dumps it all on her own steaks.

Alex says the key to his whole plan is the pea puree.

Enter Tom! Yay, is this the first Tomthru of the season? Have I said that already? He wants them to keep the kitchen cleaner. Andrea asks Kelly for extra butter; Kelly says nothing but Amanda has some that she shares, because unlike Kelly, she’s not a bitchfaced cow. Angelo slices himself. Ed can’t find his pea puree. Everyone says they didn’t see the pea puree. Ed thinks Alex stole his pea puree. Tiffany points out that he has to focus and do something else. She gives him her leftover broccolini.

The diners start to enter. Kevin is reheating his sous vide lamb. Oh, look, it’s senator Warner. A minute left. Padma introduces the diners – Mark Warner; Mika Brzezinski; Joe Scarborough; John Podesta; Bruce Bozzi; Kelly O’Donnell; Luke Russert (what a cute kid) Savannah Gutherie; and Big Gay Art.

So. We meet again, Big Gay Art. Let’s hope you don’t babble ceaselessly about your famous clients and how “food is love” this time, lest I be forced to vanquish your Big Gay Ass yet again.

The ladies of Porterhouse Steak serve first. Kelly introduces her Porterhouse with Crispy Potato-Arugula Salad, Roasted Shallot Demi-Glace, Amanda has turned hers into a Duo of Strip: New York & Filet Mignon, Red Wine with Pomme Parisienne & Arugula.

Savannah thinks both of Amanda’s cuts have great flavor. Bozzi likes it a lot.

Savannah says Kelly’s is “about half a cow” and Luke says “it’s more Texas than DC.” Gail thinks it’s oversalted, but Scarborough thinks it’s more enjoyable than Amanda’s.

Next up are the swordfish girls. Tiffany’s is Swordfish with Olive-Raisin Tapenade with Broccolini & Bacon, while Andrea has done a something Bravo helpfully describes as “Swordfish with.”

Fucking interns.

Kelly O’Donnell can tell there are calories in Andrea’s, and Big Gay Al says “I’m fearful of what it can do to me.” He and Gail giggle like schoolgirls. Warner thinks Tiffany “gave it some zest,” but Podesta wants the fish cooked a little less. Tiffany feels awful because she knows the fish is overcooked and it’s worse because she knows the dish.

Interlude. Big Gay Al asks Luke Russert “what’s your favorite burger?” Luke replies “I’d go with the Obama one.” Art nods. Fun! They’re obvi talking about Good Stuff Eatery, and I’m glad Luke Russert and I have the same favorite.

Remind me to tell you my Russert family story at some point. It involves Bethesda and brunch and book signings and an exacto knife and my ass getting grabbed. All the things of quality drama.

Salmon boys! Stephen has made Salmon with Warmed Vegetable Salad & Worcestershire Vinaigrette, while Alex’s is Applewood Smoked Salmon with Black Forbidden Rice & English Pea Puree. Ooh, is the rice forbidden because it’s stolen, like the pea puree?

Also, now I want to photoshop a “Lambada: the forbidden dance” poster to read “Alex: the forbidden rice” or something like that.

Big Gay Al likes the sweetness of Alex’s pea puree, and Mika likes the portion size. Big Gay Al finds Stephen’s salmon “messy” while Warner says it’s got a heaviness to it.

LOBSTER FLURRY. Ed and Alex yell and snap at each other trying to get plated. They present Angelos’ Poached Lobster with Lobster Froth And Jicama, Arugula & Asian Pear Salad, and Ed’s Poached Lobster Ballotine with Eggplant & English Pea-Asparagus Fricassee. Gail has a chewing issue with Angelo’s, and Bozzi finds the foam strange. Scarborough doesn’t know if he’s “a foam man.” Kelly likes Ed’s presentation, and Savannah most enjoys the eggplant. Gail finds the peas unnecessary.

Kenny presents his Peppered Lamb with Fig-Pistachio Bread Pudding, Fig Jam & Vanilla-Morel Demi Glace. Kevin has made Double-Cut Chops with Olive & Goat Cheese Rissole, Mache & Tomato Concasse. Bozzi finds Kenny’s sauce interesting, and Gail calls it “a fig jam that he’s piped out.” Luke gives it an “Oscar for best actor” but thinks the supporting cast isn’t up to par. Big Gay Al laughs. Aw, someone’s got a filthy crush on Luke Russert (and it's not just me). Kelly finds Kevin’s too “zing zing” but Gail calls it a “silky puree of fire.”


Deliberation. Tom says the kitchen was a mess. Big Gay Art blathers “coming from a human side, a side where food is love, there was love in some of those dishes.” Ulch, Art Smith! Can you ever NOT be tiresome for 20 seconds? This “food is love” bullshit act is fucking old and tired, and it was old and tired the first time you pulled it out of your bag of big gay tricks.

Ed still wants to know who took his pea puree. Kevin thinks that if Alex stole Ed’s puree “it’s kind of grimy.” I’m going to start using “grimy” instead of “sheisty.” Commercial.

Back! Fakeback! Stephen offers to give Tiffany a seminar in being on the bottom. Then he gets up and gives a Tony Robbins-esque speech, telling them all to focus on the words . . .and then there’s a long beep. Amanda says it was so funny she almost peed her pants.

Back for reals! In the stew room, people are still talking about puree gate. Alex is mystified that people think he took Ed’s pea puree, and claims he didn’t even know Ed was making pea puree. Then we see the clip of him hearing about Ed’s pea puree the night before. Yeah. . .it’s never good to lie about what you knew or didn’t know when cameras are filming your every move.

Padma calls back Alex, Tiffany, and Ed. They have the best dishes. Tiffany wipes away tears, because she’d already “put up” in her mind that she was on the bottom.

Ed talks about his lobsters looking like “Volkswagens.” Big Gay Al tells Alex that one of the things he enjoyed about his dish was the pea puree, and then he goes on about the pea puree for 90 minutes

I really hope they’re going to use this to pay off in a huge moment of reality TV schadnefreude at some point, because otherwise it’s cruel to do all this set up with no result, like they do.

Art gets to announce the winner, and it’s. . . Alex. Oh, storm cloud looks from his competitors.


They go back to the stew room and it takes awhile for anyone to clap for Alex. Everyone thinks he stole the puree. Alex tells them the judges want to see Kelly, Andrea, and Kevin.

Padma tells them they had the worst dishes. They start with Kevin. Gail wants to know what was in his tomatoes because “all we got was heat.” Tom’s biggest problem was the lamb itself, because one chop was really overcooked. Art thought the bones weren’t properly cleaned and that made him question “was there enough care put in the dish.”

Andrea says that swordfish isn’t something she normally eats. Tom says there was way too much vanilla.

Kelly says she wanted to pay “awmidge” (I’m always thrilled by the number of different ways we’ve found to butcher the word homage) to the traditional steakhouse, and thinks she might’ve been too salty. Gail says the salt “layer after layer” of salt in the dish became a fatal flaw.

They get sent back to the stew room. Amanda thinks it’s karma that Kelly didn’t share her salt with others, and is now on the bottom for being too salty. Ha-ha. I agree. I like Amanda. I do not like Kelly. So this salt thing has me happy.

Kelly sobs up a storm about how she seasoned to her taste during the quickfire and they found it bland, so overcompensated during the elimination. Ha-ha, mean girl. If you hadn't been such a salt hog, it wouldn't have happened.

Tom points out that Andrea’s swordfish was under the heat lamp for 7-8 minutes, and Art says not eating a dish personally isn’t an excuse for doing it poorly. Art thinks Kevin’s was an honest mistake. Tom says that everything on Kelly’s plate was a salty mess, and Art says that oversalted food makes him question the chef’s palate. Commercial!

I can’t wait for “the season’s most emotional elimination” on Work of Art. I hope it’s Miles, or that anorexic girl that does nudie pics of herself for every project.

Back! Tom tells them that all of their dishes “left us wanting to take a power nap.” Kevin overcooked his lamb. Kelly oversalted her food. And Andrea gave them a dish that was totally unfocused.

Padma tells. . .Andrea to pack her knives and go. Kevin and Kelly both collapse with relief. Andrea is disappointed because she feels like she didn’t get to “truly show” herself, but feels her problems were more mental than anything else. She says she doesn’t need “four people behind a table” to tell her she can cook because she knows she can.

Next! Ambassadors! “Jesus, do they even have a cuisine?” Alex gets really aggressive. Alex needs more focus in the dish. I don’t feel China is being well represented. I think Amanda’s Beef Bourgennoine needs beef.

Minor League; Major Schwag.

Last night I went way the hell out into the country, picked up a hot guy at a minor league baseball game, and brought him home with me.



Yeah, that's right, kids. Not only was I one of the 7, 135 fans who turned out for Bryan Voltaggio bobblehead night with the Frederick Keys (and watch them lose on "guaranteed win" night), I was one of the lucky 1,000 who actually GOT a Bryan Voltaggio bobblehead. And I am fully cognizant of how much luck that entailed, since I got the third to last one.

What I didn't get, though , was the opportunity to have the specialty concessions that Bryan and the VOLT staff had cooked up for the fans. This was because the line for concessions started back here, above the first baseline: and then kept going all the way to here, the VOLT concession stand, on the third baseline behind our seats:
It's hard to explain just how slowly that line was moving. At one point I tried to find easily identifiable people and follow their progress -- this was in the fourth inning, when it was starting to at least not get recognizably longer any more (though one would be hard pressed to say it was getting any shorter).

They were in front of the "Dugout Dogs" stand on the third baseline when I started tracking them, and ALMOST to the front by the time we left, at the close of the sixth inning. There was also a family near us who'd made their mom hold a place in the line while the rest of them watched the game (and occasionally went to check in on her). The mom had not returned with food by the time we left.

As we were leaving, we did get to see Bryan and his staff handing out snacks to the people who'd been in line the whole game, which was really nice of them -- the stadium was clearly woefully unprepared for the number of people who turned out, and to see Bryan and the VOLT folks making up for the club's failings just underlined what a standup guy he is.

We also got to see him throwing out the first pitch: His adorable son seemed singularly unimpressed with the whole event. I'm sure he's just holding out for a Major League park, or at least a minor league team that's in an organization with a better record, and doesn't have the mysterious "Keyote" as its mascot.

But still, it was a fun night, and I got to take Bryan Voltaggio home with me. I quickly put him to work overseeing things in my kitchen:


Bryan got my morning egg to the perfect level of cooked-ness -- firm white; runny yolk. He did a much better job than I usually do (though I don't have to stand on a salt box to see into the pan).

I'm also going to let him help edit the Top Chef posts in the future:

Here he is reading last week's to get a sense of my tone. I may have him step in for me sometimes while I'm out of town.

Here's the thing, though: I don't have A Bryan Voltaggio bobblehead.

Oh no. I have TWO Bryan Voltaggio bobbleheads.

(They're going to get together and beat up Eddie Murray later in the day, once I let Bryan II out of his box).

So what to do with them? What to do? What. To. Do?

I could dent one's nose, draw additional tattoos on him, and convert him into a MICHAEL Voltaggio Bobblehead.

I could stand between the two of them and satisfy my dream of being the meat in a Voltaggio sammich (sangwich).

Or. . . .

Top Chef DC: in which Communism was Just a Red Herring

Long pepper too hot
Tamesha….

Look, she was a bitch who spent at least two episodes talking about wanting to kill a competitor, and worse yet, she was holier than thou about everyone else’s attitude and despiteall this, SOMEHOW, she still managed to be boring as shit. No haiku for her.

(I think that’s unprecedented, by the way. I don’t know that I’ve ever just all out given up on haikuing someone before. But that’s how bored and sick and . . .bored of Tamesha I was)

So au revoir, Tamesha. You seemed to be a very competent chef. I did not like you.

Anyway. Hi, omelets. How are you doing? I had. . .a day yesterday. We can start with the fact that I had nightmares about my creepy ex-landlord from a million years ago (who I hadn’t even THOUGHT about in years) that woke me up several times throughout the night. And then I got kicked –KICKED—by another pedestrian who felt I deserved it for” cutting him off”. Ok, beyond the rudeness of that. . .try that with your car, fuckface. See who ends up at fault and footing the bill. Let me give you a hint – it’s ugly and mean and wears a red polo shirt, and it’s spelled Y-O-U. Dick.

And then I got a needle jammed into my foot (the very foot that had just been kicked, by the way), as I sometimes do on Wednesdays. And then. . .there was work stuff, but if I talked about it here, I’d be making a very similar mistake to the one the person who caused the work stuff did, and that shall not pass.

So by the time evening rolled around, there were 2 things that had saved my flagging sanity. And they are both in this picture. And neither of them is “decorative tile,” “a hotel pen,” or “a bowl of sugar.”

The wine is a 2007 Norton Malbec that Freckled K gave me the last time I George-sat, and it is delish. The book, is, naturally, the third –THIRD – Top Chef cookbook. I had mixed feelings about it – on the one hand, I feel like it’s too soon. There were three seasons of Top Chef and one of Masters between the first book and the quickfire cookbook; there hasn’t quite been one full season (the last bit of 6, Masters 2, and the first 5 episodes of this one?) between the quickfire book and this one.

But at the same time. . .there are so many things in this book I want to make. And it really illustrates how AMAZING the chefs last season were, because 98% of the recipes are them and the first season of Masters, and it all looks incredible.

And on a related note: if you’re in DC, the Borders at 14th and F is closing. Everything is 30-50% off, and they still have a pretty good selection of cookbooks. The clerk told me the final closing will be sometime in August, so wait a couple of weeks if you want to see the prices go down a bit more. Oh, and they’re selling the fixtures too. So if you need bookshelves. . .and you’re ok with your house looking like a Borders. . .there’s that.

Anyway. I’m cat sitting again, so insert usual teh cats can haz confusing cable disclaimer here, and we’ll move along with it.

Morning! Top Chef DC Townhouse! The chefs yawn widely and Angelo talks about how Tim was a father figure and people are “somber” because he’s gone. O. . .Kay.

Andrea is psyched to have been in the top the last two eliminations. The chefs head out.

Quickfire time! In the Hinkley kitchen, they find Padma, semi-ubiquitous and consistently tiresome guest judge Michelle Bernstein, and a bunch of what Kevin calls “nasty proteins” – crocodile, rattle snake, and “weird eggs.” He’s not psyched.

Andrea, on the other hand, is apparently fine with the “nasty proteins,”but not happy to see Michelle. Love. I personally would rather see row upon row of testicles than ever listen to Michelle Bernstein again (and you can take that anyway you please).But whereas my antipathy is based solely on her previous and tiresome Top Chef appearances, Andrea’s is personal --they know each other from Miami. . .and there’s a rivalry between them. Andrea’s not comfortable with Michelle judging her, because she thinks they’re at about the same level. Um. . .ok, lovie, I am saying this, and I am not a fan of Michelle Bernstein: Andrea, I know Michelle Bernstein. I’ve heard of Michelle Bernstein. Michelle Bernstein has ruined several episodes of Top Chef for me. But Andrea, you are no Michelle Bernstein.

(Call Lloyd Bentsen, get that motherfucker crunk!)

Padma tells them their challenge is to make a delicious dish with their exotic protein. They choose knives for drawing order.

Alex gets first pick, so naturally he takes the foie. That’s some bullshit – I don’t even know how foie qualifies as an exotic protein in the same camp with like llama and duck balls and shit.

Anyway. Kenny picks frogs legs; Ed takes wild boar (again – as with foie, how is this a challenge? I can—and have-- walk down Connecticut Avenue and get boar in at least 5 restaurants [personal favorite is the tagliatelle at Dino]. It’s normal and delicious). Tiffany takes yak; Stephen gets crocodile. Angelo picks the “duck white kidneys” and is horrified to learn that they’re actually testicles. Ed talks about the “cock and balls” soup he used to make for Todd English. Kevin takes ostrich (PEOPLE! You can get ostrich at FUCKING FUDDRUCKERS! NOT EXOTIC!!!). Kelly takes rattlesnake (meh); Andrea grabs the duck tongue, and Amanda gets stuck with the Emu eggs, which look kind of like an avocado’s smoother, uglier cousin.

45 mintues! Food flurry! Angelo pokes the testicles and finds out that they’re soft, like a sweetbread. Amanda is still trying to get into her emu eggs. Alex loves working with foie gras. I love eating foie gras, but again, it’s a pretty bitch move trying to pass it off as exotic. Kevin is glad to have ostrich because that’s what he wanted. And because it’s a joke protein that you can get at FUCKING FUDDRUCKERS, so clearly it doesn’t take a high level of skill to execute.

Padma walks in at 34 minutes and tells them to take over the protein to their left. HA! Body swerve. Amanda is psyched because now she has llama rather than emu eggs. Conversely, Alex is pissed because he’s got ostrich rather than foie. Kelly works on making an omelet with the emu eggs. Stephen doesn’t think moving from crocodile to frog is a huge leap “no pun intended.” Kevin playfully asks Angelo “did I thank you for the duck nuts?” and tells us “I have never worked with duck testicles, or any testicles.”

Do with that what you will, universe, but I feel like any man Kevin’s age, particularly those who’ve sired two children, would’ve done at least some work with testicles in their day.

Tiffany is making duck tongue soup. Andrea is comfortable with boar (because it's not exotic), but still uncomfortable with the judging situation.

Time! Padma and Michelle Bernstein begin tasting with Tamesha’s Duck Tongue in Broth with Mirepoix, Lime & Cilantro. Then they have Andrea’s Wild Boar & Risotto with Dried Cherries, Almond, Mushrooms & Red Wine. Bernstein says that the “flavors are beautiful but it’s a little chilly. Tiffany has made a Foie Gras with Caramelized Apples & Toasted Pecans, Brandy-Caramel Sauce. Alex prepared Ostrich Barded in Caul Fat & Basil with Mushroom Duxelle & Balsamic Glaze. Kevin has worked with the duck balls to make Duck Testicles Meuniere with Beet & Licorice Puree. Angelo’s dish is Seared Crocodile with Ginger, Garlic & Chiles. (Oh, Bravo) Bernstein compliments its “beautiful flavor” but thinks the “texture is totally wrong.” Stephen made the leap to Seared Frog Leg Confit, Tomato Grits, Mascarpone & Blackened Bourbon Sauce. Kenny’s dish is Rattlesnake Francese & Rattlesnake Cake with Leeks, Bacon & Curry Sauce. Kelly used her space avocado to make an Emu Egg Omelet with Goat Cheese & Almonds, Fennel Salad & Harissa Vinaigrette.Finally, they have Amanda’s Llama Sous-Vide with Leek, Date & Bacon Compote.

(I always feel bad when they get to this point in the competition, and they’re only leaving one person’s dish out of the quickfire feature. Sorry, Stephen. Your dish must’ve been unbelievably mediocre)

Michelle Bernstein announces her least favorites: Stephen’s frog was “pretty much insipid.” Alex’s “ostrich was rather dry.” Andrea’s boar needed to be cooked a little more.

And now I’m forced to think that there really is something to Andrea’s Michelle Bernstein paranoia, because how does boar with “beautiful” flavors that’s a bit “chilly” come in under crocodile with “beautiful” flavor, but where the “texture is totally wrong”?

In the top, though are Kelly’s omelet, which was “pretty amazing.” Tamesha’s duck tongue was cooked “almost to perfection.” And Amanda did a beautiful job with that llama.

And here I’d just like to throw a little “Me and My Llama” your way.


Remember when Sesame Street used to be awesome? And now it’s all Elmo all the time, and I hate it. In my day, we used to learn real things from Sesame Street, like Spanish, and how to grieve for Mr. Hooper, and proper dental hygiene for llamas. And now all it teaches kids is how to tolerate the screaming of a brain damaged red puppet.

And the winner is. . .commercial! God, I hate this cliffhanger nonsense.

Back! DuPont Circle fountain! And the winner is. . .Kelly. So she gets immunity. For an omelet. I am ambivalent to her, and I do not like the idea that you can get immunity for an omelet. I don’t care what animal’s eggs you make it out of. It could be made out of the dinosaur eggs from some Jurassic Park type scenario, end of the day, it’s still a bloody omelet.


Elimination challenge time. They draw knives for their teams. Padma tells them that their challenge is to make a delicious cold entrée. They’ll be serving in two teams, and each team will judge the other’s food. Kelly, because she has immunity, will be eating both teams’ food. And they’ll be doing their meal planning on the U.S.S. Sequoia. So they can plan “Cold War Strategy” on the boat, just like Kennedy and Nixon did.

Sigh.

U.S.S. Sequoia. They’re on a boat! Kenny feels like the paranoia of the Cold War speaks well to the situation of the chefs judging each other, and worries that people are out to get him.


Amanda says no one else realizes how “hurtful, vulnerable, and scary” the prospect of the challenge is. Kevin snoops around, hears Angelo giving advice to other chefs. Tiffany and Ed report to each other on what they’ve heard. Kevin tells Kenny that Angelo is giving other people advice. This is the shadiest challenge yet. And I really wish they’d stop with all the Cold War analogies and the espionage and the sneakiness and paranoia. As we all know, Communism was just a Red Herring.

They dock (they’re off the boat!) and head out on like a six hour drive so they can get from the Potomac to the Silver Spring Whole Foods. For their sake, I hope this was at three in the morning or something, because otherwise they spent the full day in those bloody Toyotas.

Kelly is thrilled about having immunity and the long term advantage of tasting everyone’s food.

Once at Whole Foods, they have30 minutes to shop and a $200 budget. Angelo says that with the cold food challenge, it’s important to have “robust flavors” and buys sockeye salmon. Tamesha buys scallops. Alex promises to try and be fair with the judging. Stephen is looking for Asian seasoning for his filet. Tiffany tells us that either “I was saying” or “Alex’s saying” that they wouldn’t vote Stephen off because his personality was so good in the house. This is where the cats’ mysterious Fios cable becomes a true impediment – it could mean totally different things depending on what she actually said, and I have no idea. Commercial.

Back! They return to the Hinckley kitchen with 2 hours to prep. Tiffany is making tuna. Andrea is doing 3 tartares, and is still worried about Michelle Bernstein, because they started out at the same time, and then Andrea got married and had kids, while Michelle focused on her career and kept rising. Kevin is feeling very confident about his dish. Kenny is doing lamb two ways, and worries that his competitors will put him in the bottom because he’s a threat.

A motif of this episode is how Kenny thinks he’s so awesome that the only reason anyone would vote against him is because they see him as a threat. It’s fucking tiresome – I know I may be in the minority with this, but I do. Not. Like. Kenny. I am not impressed by his swagger or his self proclaimed sexiness or his velour bathrobe. I feel like Bravo is trying to set up Kenny vs. Angelo with Kenny = good and popular and Angelo = bad, sneaky svengali. But I find them pretty much equally tiresome, and it seems like we see so much more of Kenny that he’s wearing on me in a worse way.

Anyway Amanda is making a chicken galantine, and has difficulties with her grinder. Tamesha hates Amanda because she runs around all the time and they had a conflict during the school lunch challenge. She says she could “strangle her in the heartbeat.” I cannot wait to be rid of her and her self importance and her anger issues – there’s something about the completely chill way in which she discusses strangling a competitor that wigs me out slightly. And yet, she’s ultimately so boring. I think that’s probably the sign of a truly disturbed person – that they can have a host of toxic personality traits and still be boring.

Andrea wonders what Angelo’s motive is in helping people out, and thinks it’s part of his “Cold War strategy.” STOP. Stephen thinks that Kenny and Angelo being on opposite teams gives the rest of them the opportunity to get one or the other eliminated.


Next day! They get to the venue for the Cold War Challenge. I miss where it is – some place with green walls. Ed doesn’t think anyone in the other group will personally attack him.

20 minutes! Kenny says he’s ready for every battle. Then he blabs some more about how awesome he is and how everyone wants him out. Alex thinks he tastes cartilage in Amanda’s dish, but doesn’t tell her because it’s a competition.
5 minutes! Diners enter! Kevin is nervous because he didn’t execute as he would’ve liked.

Padma asks the chefs if they’re excited to taste their competitor’s food. There’s a lukewarm response, and then the first team presents their dishes. Amanda presents her Chicken Galantine with Mache & Plum Chutney; Kevin describes his dish as a “surf & turf” --Tuna & Veal with Mediterranean Condiments. Kenny has made two preparations of lamb -- Grilled Lamb Salad & Lamb Carpaccio, Black Eyed Pea Hummus. Alex has also gone for lamb with a Lamb Sous Vide with Red Beet Puree & Tzatziki. Finally, Ed has made Sockeye Salmon on Pumpernickel, Cream Cheese, Chilled Cucumber Vichysoisse.

They start with Kenny’s lamb. Tiffany thinks it’s a little chewy. Kevin says the experience with okra and carpaccio is slimy and not great.

Tamesha finds Alex’s tzatziki heavy. Andrea says the beets needed more salt or texture or something. Tamesha thinks Amanda’s galantine needs salt. Angelo says the meat wasn’t cold enough, so it coagulated; Andrea gets the cartilage that’s been foreshadowed for the last few minutes.

Kevin’s surf and turf, according to Stephen, is beautiful to look at but one note. People talk about it needing acidity, and Tom looks perplexed. Apparently Tom got Meyer lemon slices and tomato that other people didn’t. Tiffany is getting nervous because the chefs are being so harsh.

Their final dish is Ed’s salmon. Angelo would’ve preferred everything separately, and Tamesha thinks the lemon should’ve been broken down.

Now it’s time to nominate the best and worst. All the chefs call Kevin’s the most successful, though Tiffany hedges a little bit and talks about Ed’s dish. Hmm…. For the bottom, Angelo finds Kenny’s vision “convoluted.” Tiffany agrees. Stephen finds it “texturally unsuccessful.” Andrea has a hard time choosing between Amada’s and Kenny’s, but votes Amanda because she can’t get past the cartilage. Tamesha votes for Kenny, so he’s up for elimination.

Stephen interviews that he doesn’t feel there was any sabotage or scheming, but that could be his naiveté. Commercial.

Let’s spend the commercial break wondering why they didn’t do the tasting blind. I mean, I know they did that in Season 5 and still for the most part knew each others’ food well enough that they could tell whose was whose and use that as part of the judging, but at least there was a pretense that it MIGHT be slightly more impartial.

Fakeback. Andrea and Ed talk about how Angelo is a “ringleader” and trying to possess people’s minds. That's like hyperbole taken to a new and crazy level. Ed talks about how he and Angelo dated the same girl in college – apparently Ed stole her from Angelo or something, because we get him saying either “’sokay, I used to bang his girlfriend,” or “sokay, I’m still banging his girlfriend.” I hope it’s the former, because the latter’s not the classiest way to talk about a current partner. Or a former one, for that matter, but we’re all grownups; we all know how these things roll.

Back for realsies. Scenes of Washington! Oh, the legendary N6 Bus to Friendship Heights! Wait, what?

Group B starts cooking. Tiffany worries that her dish may be too simple because everyone is doing “duos and trios.” Angelo gets nervous and amplifies the seasoning by putting on more condiment, and then knows he’s doing too much and can’t stop himself. Tamesha wants to give the other chefs a new experience.

The chefs sit. Tom tells them “you should’ve heard what they said about your food, oh my God.” The chefs giggle nervously. I wonder if that’s what makes this group nicer, or if they would’ve been nicer anyway, or if the second group’s food was just better. Anyway, Amanda interviews that she doesn’t have a problem being impartial but she thinks others might.

The second group introduces their dishes. Tiffany ‘s is a Spice-Crusted Ahi Tuna with Gazpacho Sauce; Angelo has made Poached Sockeye Salmon with Cilantro & Chili in Pineapple Tea; Andrea’s dish is a Trio of Tartares: Tuna, Beef, and Mushroom-Fennel. Stephen has prepared Chilled Beef with Crispy Rice & Jalepeno Oil; and Tamesha has made Scallops with Pickled Rhubarb, Cilantro & Basil with Rhubarb Jus.

Amanda likes Tiffany’s gazpacho flavors. Kenny likes the flavors in Andrea’s trio, but thinks the beef needs more seasoning. He also says Stephen’s beef doesn’t “blow [his] socks off” and Ed says he can’t taste the beef in Stephen’s at all. Then he throws in a “Where’s the beef?” reference. Way to be timely, Ed. Or DC-appropriate if you want to read it as a Mondale thing. Which just brings us back to. . .way to be timely, Ed.

Amanda thinks Tamesha’s scallops are too spicy, and she fans her mouth. Kevin says they have a “funky flavor.” Kenny can’t appreciate the flavor of the salmon in Angelo’s dish, and Amanda says they’ve had so much “Asian influence” that it’s starting to blend together.

Asked about their favorites, Kevin names Angelo and everyone else says Tiffany. So Tiffany’s in te top. For their least favorite, it’s unanimously Tamesha’s. GOOD. I hope she and her anger problems and her monotone voice get the boot.

After eating the other chefs’ dishes, Kevin has mixed emotions about his food, and hopes it worked, and is nervous that they don’t know what the other group said.

Stew room. Andrea tells Amanda about the cartilage problem. Amanda’s convinced that she’s going back to the bottom. They tell Kenny that he was their least favorite. Kenny is “really trippin’ out,” and of course puts it off to his being a threat.

Padma calls back Tiffany and Kevin. Judges table!

Padma congratulates them on having the top dishes. They high five each other. Tom tells them they were voted in by their peers, but that the judges were in agreement.


Gail compliments Kevin on the contrast in his dish. Tom tells Tiffany her tuna was perfectly seared, and Michelle tells her it was the most refreshing dish they had.

And the winner is. . .Kevin. Whoa –consistently bottom to top of the top. Reverso time.

He says that getting the win is huge and “a monkey off my back.” For winning the Cold War, he gets to go somewhere warm. . .the Hilton Hawaiian village.

They return to the stew, and he calls back Tamesha and Kenny.

Padma tells them they’re there because their peers selected them. Tamesha says she’s quite surprised to be there. Gail asks why she used the long pepper, because it was overpowering. Michelle says it was odd that one side of the scallop was left to sit in the viscous sauce, because it took on a “raw” texture. Tom tells her the scallop got lost.

Kenny felt that his dish was sound. Tom says nothing bridged the two parts of his dish. Kenny says the seasoning on both sides was the same. Gail says the flavors got diluted.

Padma asks why he thinks his peers voted him there, and he says it’s because he’s a threat. Blah, vomit. Just. . .get over yourself, ya big douche. You’re good, I’m sure, but you’re not good enough to merit the constant yakkity yaking about how good you are. And it’s fucking BORING.

Michelle tells him that whatever his peers’ reasons were “as a person who really just got here” she “didn’t really enjoy the flavors of this dish,” and that if she explained all the problems with the various components, it would take to the end of the show. Ha. Suck it, Kenny. And Michelle Bernstein just made herself an eensy bit more tolerable. Eensy.

Deliberation. Gail is flabbergasted that Kenny thought his “17-25” ingredient dish was straightforward, and Tom says it wasn’t even cooked nicely, and they didn’t even hit on the problems with the puree.

Gail says Tamesha’s flavors were “infighting,” and Michelle goes on again about the way she cooked the scallop.

In the stew, Tamesha says she knows “my ass is not fucking going home.” Oh, I feel like you’re wrong. You’re really, really wrong, bitchcakes. Commercial.

First real Just Desserts Teaser Commercial! Yay!

Back! Tom tells them they’re there for very different reasons. Kenny had a lot going on and didn’t pull it together. Tamesha’s dish could work if she reworked it.


Padma tells. . .Tamesha to pack her knives and go. While that really couldn't have been any more predictable, somehow she looks honestly staggered, but thanks them. She tells us “I’m going home for some bullshit fuck.” And she doesn’t think it’s fair to go home for “a minor mistake.”Well, then, what about burning the judges’ mouths off in a dish that also managed to include a raw tasting scallop? Is that a fair reason to go home? Dumbass.

Tiffany feels like Angelo knew what was wrong with Tamesha’s dish and didn’t do anything about it. Tamesha’s proud of herself for keeping up with chefs older than her.

Next time! “If Tiffany’s fiancé caught wind of anything that was going on, Ed would definitely be in trouble.” “This is the first time they’ve handing over the Palm to anyone else.” And then Alex steals some pea puree or something.

Top Chef DC: And On His Farm He Had Some Chefs, Ee-I-Ee-I-Oh

Oh, Timothy Dean
Barry White voice can’t save your
Invisible veg

Good morning, ocelots. How are you? Me? Oh, something is 100% wrong with my sinuses, and I’m wandering around in abject misery with a load of snot in my head that won’t quit.

Sorry you asked, aren’t you?

But I do hope you’ll forgive me for being a bit low key this morning. There is literally 6000 pounds of mucus sitting directly below my right eye, and it’s slowing my thought processes in a big way. I’m trying to sort out both last night’s episode and whether I can take the day off work, or whether I just need to stop at the drug store on the way in and buy enough drugs to power through the day.

And it doesn’t help that I’m just not that enthused about this episode. . .or really, this season. It just feels like a big old CLUNK, especially after how phenomenal last season was. I’m trying to remember if I’ve felt this kind of let down about a season before, and clearly there’ve been ones that provoked my rage (Top Chef 2; Top Chef 5; Project Runway 7), but I think this is the first time one’s just left me altogether cold. It’s like an endless parade of mediocrity.

So I can’t even summon any of my usual either triumphant or quasi-elegaic thoughts about Timothy. For one thing, the mucus is adhering to my brain in a way that’s inimical to thought. For another, he was consistently at the bottom of a still too big, still too similarly named pack. It was time. So au revoir, Timothy. I hope your many lawsuits come out justly, which is not necessarily the same as hoping they come out in your favor.

Oh, here’s the funny part, though: since the farm meal was served family style, the Bravo interns seem to have just taken pictures of their picnic plates with EVERYTHING heaped on them, and then listed what was on the plates and the names of the chefs who made them in no discernible order. Exhibit A:

And there’s no way I could pick Timothy’s dish out of that mess. I mean, it might be the asparagus sitting under the pork, but a picture of that is still a picture of the pork more than it is a picture of the vegetables. So Timothy’s vegetables are literally invisible – just like the judges said. I kind of wanted to do an “invisibl vegetables are invisbl” LOL caption, but my head really hurts at the moment.

Let’s do it.

Morning! Top Chef DC Townhouse! Amanda drinks coffee while Kenny feels somber about Lynne and Arnold being gone. Then we learn about which of the chefs are friends/hang out together. Angelo lectures Tamesha on the necessity of taking the first step and making people chase you. He interviews that Tamesha is the person he’s comfortable hanging out with, and he’s attracted to her and wants to “extract” her “inner passion.

That should be the new “what’s your sign,” by the way. “Hey baby. I’d like to extract your inner passion.”

Kelly sees Angelo and Tamesha together, and thinks Angelo’s helping Tamesha is a strategy. Ed and Tiffany are also friends – he thinks she’s funny , and she says he’s the only person she trusts.

They head out of the townhouse. I notice for the first time how very DC their townhouse is – half the people I know have that patio furniture; that color blonde wood flooring; that red accent wall in their dining room.

Hinckley Hilton Kitchen! Quickfire! CRABS! Yay! There are live blue crabs are skittering all over the kitchen. This is great. This is way more DC than forcing them to make “bipartisandwiches.” My earliest DC adjacent memories are of sitting out on my uncle’s deck in Southern Maryland with the picnic table covered in newspaper, cracking and picking crabs. There’s actually a rule in that part of the family that everyone over eight has to crack and pick their own crabs – I get exempted because I didn’t grow up here, and so my crab skillz are understandably woeful.

Anyway. Along with the crabs, Padma and Patrick O’ Connell of the Inn at Little Washington are there.

Padma tells them that for their quickfire “you’ve got crabs.” Angelo quietly interviews “well, I’ve had crabs. So. It just brought back bad memories.” Hee. I don’t know if he’s joking or serious, but it’s a good moment of television either way. (It's kind of like on Work of Art last night -- one of the contestants told another to "hang out with yourself!" and then stomped off in a huff. "Hang out with yourself" is maybe the weakest burn in the entire history of reality TV, but the way it was delivered made it a great moment)

Padma further explains that the Maryland blue crab is one of the most popular local treasures, and O’Connell agrees. The chefs have an hour to take the crabs from live to delicioso.

Food Flurry! Tim makes fun of the chefs trying to grab the crabs with their bare hands. People are chopping the crabs live and throwing Old Bay over them live and putting them into the oven, in casserole dishes live. Ok – I know I’m the girl who says things like “if the geese ever seize control and can find a way to make something as delicious as foie by shoving a hose down my throat, then I welcome our horrible feathery overlords,” and “if Jesus didn’t want us to eat the baby cows, then he really shouldn’t have made them so delicious,” but watching people cook live crabs bothers me. They’re so. . .alive. I need things to be really most sincerely dead before I cook them.

Andrea frets about how there’s so much less meat in blue crabs than there is in stone crabs. Tamesha has never picked crab because she used to be allergic to them. Angelo tells her how to do it, and she says that while “his personality might throw people off. . .to me, it works.”

Kenny is creating a tasting plate and cranking out three dishes in the time everyone else does one. Kevin the stupid hack pounds inefficiently at a bunch of crabs and mopes about not letting his family down. Loser. Amanda jokes that “Tim’s cleaning like 25 crabs; he’s a Maryland boy so it’s like a religion where he’s from.” Or she thinks she’s joking – personally, the Maryland bits of my family take crab a lot more seriously than they take religion. Andrea jokingly asks Tim to clean her crabs for her.

Time! Commercial!

Back! Tasting. Padma and Patrick start with Tiffany’s Hot and Sour Crab Soup, Arbol Chilies, Spaghetti Leeks. They move on to Ed’s Jumbo Lump Crab with Thai Basil, Mango & Cucumber Salad, which Patrick notes is “Thai inspired.’ Then they have Angelo’s Blue Crab Broth Infused with Lemongrass & Ginger, followed by Timothy’s Beer-Steamed Crabs with Avocado, Passion Fruit & Heirloom Vinaigrette. Timothy prattles about how you don’t need to do much with Maryland crab. That’s true, really, but it is a cooking competition after all – the whole point is to show what you can do with the food.

Next up is Stephen’s Crab Salad in Sweet Bell Peppers, Brandy Basil Dressing. Then they have Tamesha’s Crab Chowder with Lemongrass, Ginger, Cardamom & Coconut Milk, which Patrick calls “unusual and intriguing”. After that is Amanda’s Crab Salad with Sauterne Ginger Juniper Gelee. Padma comments “Wow. .” and when asked if that’s a good or a bad wow replies “it’s pungent.” This is followed shortly by Kevin’s Blue Crab Chowder with Potato, Celery & Espelette Oil, Frozen Bacon Crumble and Andrea’s Warm Crab Salad, Citrus Gastrique, Mexican Red Chiles. She doesn’t feel great about her dish. Patrick tells her it's definitely “not your mother’s crab salad.”

It’s really disappointing how many of them heard “crab” and automatically defaulted to chowder or salad. It does other things, people! I can't help but take this as another sign of the low talent level this season.

Finally they have Kenny’s Crab 3 Ways: Korean Chili Crab Bisque, Crab Bruschetta & Warm Crab with Sesame. He doesn’t think anyone can touch his dish.

Patrick lists his least favorites: Andrea’s because the weight of the potato overwhelmed the delicacy of the crab; Amanda’s because there was no balance; and Kevin’s, because it illustrated confusion and the crab got lost.

Kevin tells us “this is four challenges in a row that I’ve been on the bottom. It crushes me. I’m starting to doubt myself and doubt the reasons that I should even be here.” Good. Douche.

Patrick then lists his top dishes: Ed’s brought out natural components of crab with the Thai inspired dish; he liked Kenny’s trio; and he thought Angelo’s showed off the crab nicely. And the winner is. . .Ed! Ed is typically low key about it, but says he’s feeling good and that he’s “coming out of my shell a little bit.” Oh, nice crab pun, Ed. Between this and your friendship with Tiffany, you’re providing several ways in which I can start to tell you apart from Stephen. Ed has immunity for the elimination challenge.

Timothy, having jawed about keeping the crab clean and natural throughout the challenge says Ed “had some Asian influence, of all things, so. I was wrong. I should’ve put some suey sauce in there.”

Douche. (And yes, I know he means soy sauce, but he pronounced it "suey," like he was calling a pig, and for that and for the fact that he equates "Asian influenced" with adding a dash of soy sauce, he deserves to be called out on his doucheness)

Elimination! Padma tells them that they’ll have an abundance of local ingredients while working at Ayrshire Farms to create a meal for 40 chefs and farmers. They’ll be working in one huge team to put out no fewer than 6 dishes, family style. They won’t know what their ingredients or equipment are until they get to the farm, but they’ll have a mobile pantry in the back of the Toyota Sienna.

Back at the townhouse, they try to decide how to divide up responsibility. There’s a protracted scene of the debate, but basically: Angelo and Kenny whip out their cocks and wave them at each other, while Timothy stands behind them yelping gently and wiggling his in the hopes that someone notices. There’s a lot of yelling. It makes my head hurt. I know the editors are setting up this Angelo v. Kenny thing, and I presume that since the rest of the chefs find Kenny so cool and awesome and black (seriously, the fetishization of his race in the fakeback scene is uncomfortable), we're meant to be on his side too. Really, I think they're both probably assholes, but the fact that all these other untalented jackasses are all up in Kenny's ass makes me automatically gravitate to Angelo's.

Commercial.

Back to the townhouse. More yelling. Angelo suggests that they decide on the courses and then get into pairs. There’s more yelling. Kelly says that Angelo’s getting worked up and Kenny’s a great leader.

Kenny asks who’s up to work with the same partner they had last challenge. Ed’s not crazy about the idea, but they break back into their teams and consult. Tiffany’s not thrilled to be working with Timothy again, because she ended up with a lot of responsibility last time. She says she’s working as though she doesn’t have a partner. Ed, similarly, wanted to ditch Alex and be with Tiffany. I wonder where the Bravo elves are going with this great friendship of theirs.

Next morning. Everyone has really cute pajamas. Tamesha reflects on how she’s the youngest, but everyone else is acting immature with their arguing.

They pile into their vans and head out to the Ayrshire farms. Once they get there, they immediately start looking over the ingredients. They have 3 hours to cook. For equipment, they’ve got grills with rocks and hotplates.

Timothy says “The Toyota mobile pantry is off the hook.” Oh, god, man. Worst product placement ever. In addition to being too blatant for fucking words, it sounds like you’re trying to shill a product that doesn’t actually exist. If I can’t go to my local Toyota dealership and buy a Camry outfitted with “The Toyota Mobile Pantry,” (which, actually, I’d totally do) then there’s no point in name dropping it like that. It just makes you sound like a dick.

People fight over space and equipment. Kenny worries about being paired with Kevin because he’s lost his confidence, and knows he needs to take over. Kelly and Andrea work on a pork loin, and Andrea complains about how freezing cold it is. Amanda feels like she and Stephen are doing good planning. Kelly feels like Tim is hogging all the vegetables. Tiffany says Tim’s having challenges figuring out what to do with the vegetables, and she’s determined to let him figure it out for himself instead of carrying him again. Angelo makes love to a duck while Tamesha makes cherry compote. Alex likes working outdoors. Andrea sneezes.

Tamesha drops Kevin’s cauliflower in the grass. They scoop it up, but Kevin refuses to use it, wisely, since it’s now been among all the cow poo and bugs and stuff. He runs back to the pantry and gets zucchini squash and broccoli.

Andrea is worried about getting a good sear on the pork loin. Pretty much everyone weighs in with their opinion on how to do it; she ultimately decides to break the loin into four pieces and do it that way.

45 minutes! Timothy makes some changes to his turnip/potato dish. Amanda describes her soup as “Progresso eat your heart out.” Oh dear. Andrea finds places to wedge her pork in between the pots on the grill. Kelly makes a strawberry rhubarb crisp since she has time left. The judges and diners file in. Patrick O’Connell is wearing an AMAZING plaid sports coat, like he’s master of the hunt. . .the hunt for FAAAAAAABULOUS (jazz hands). Time! Commercial!

Fakeback! Townhouse! Kenny shows off his . . um. ..beige velour bathrobe? Bizarrely, all the other chefs react like he just stepped out in a purple pimp suit, or Kramer’s Technicolor Dreamcoat, or the Old Spice Guy’s horse. Something way swanker than a beige velour bathrobe is what I’m saying here. Tim says he’s his man. Andrea calls him Big Daddy, while Amanda prefers “Black Magic” or “Black Lightening.” Kelly says he’s smooth and has the moves. Ok, seriously folks? This is kind of gross. Just because he's black and has a deep voice doesn't mean that you must automatically give him nicknames that sound like ones Biggie turned down for being too obvious, or react to everything he wears as though it's a floor length man fur. Anyway, Kenny says he’s just “too sexy”. I kind of hope he’s one of those people who’s “too deadpan for me to tell he’s joking,” because otherwise he’s “too full of himself.”

Back! Kenny wants to win even though he didn’t cook the main entrée. The dishes are served family style and passed around. Padma asks how they liked cooking in the environment, and Alex cracks that he’s bigger than the kitchens they’re useful. Andrea adds “but the scenery is beautiful.”

Patrick thinks the rusticity of Amanda’s Country Vegetable Minestrone with Smoked Tomato Broth is shocking, and Tom says the vegetables aren’t cooked evenly Padma says Stephen’s Mixed Farm Salad: Balsamic Onion, Egg, Apple, Cabernet Vinaigrette & Garlic Dressing left her cold. Padma likes Kenny’s Hot and Sour Curried Eggplant with Peppers & Carrot Tops,and Eric says Kevin’s Broccoli Couscous Scented with Lemon Zest had a cooling effect.

Patrick says Tim’s Roasted Turnips & Asparagus with Honey didn’t even register. Tom says Tiffany’s Collard Greens with Swiss Chard, Turnip & Chanterelles in Duck Broth were undercooked. Eric really enjoyed Andrea’s Garlic & Five Spice Rubbed Grilled Pork Loin with Roasted Shallot-Apple Balsamic Jus, and Padma liked Kelly’s Roasted Beets, Roasted Five Spiced Apples.

Tom likes Angelo and Tamesha’s Ginger Grilled Duck Breast with Oregano Honey, Cherry Compote, Red Wine Balsamic Vinaigrette,but didn’t care for their Grilled Asparagus Salad. Eric thought the quality of Alex’s Provencal Beef Tenderloin with Ratatouille,was exceptional, but was less fond of Ed’s Ratatouille with Eggplant, Summer Squash & Tomato. He didn’t care for the stuffing technique, which Patrick reminds him we learned “from the French, with sticking the truffle in the middle.” “Truff-ell eez deef-air-ahnt!” Eric insists.

Tom says that overall they did a nice job, and that Kelly put together a great dessert with her Strawberry Rhubarb Crisp with Basil-Scented Whipped Cream.

The chefs pack up.

Back at the Hilton, it’s stew room time. There’s a lot of muttering. Padma calls back Kevin, Kenny, Andrea, and Kelly.
They had the best dishes that afternoon. Kevin explains the cauliflower couscous incident, and Patrick says “maybe that was fortuitous.” Padma tells him the couscous was done perfectly.

Kenny talks about wanting his eggplant to have a big burst of curry, and Padma praises it. Tom says “that’s high praise, because usually…she’s kind of tough on curries.”

Tom thinks Andrea’s sauce made her pork, and Eric agrees that it brought “a tiny beet of ah-seed-ity.”

Padma also thanks Kelly for her dessert and tells them that the four of them made a beautiful meal.

Patrick gets to announce the winner and it’s. . .Kenny’s eggplant. Kenny says “the beast came up with a win on that one.” Yeah, well, you don’t appear to get anything for your win, “beast,” so let the fact that you can stick around and give yourself stupid nicknames for another week be your satisfaction.

They return to the stew room where they call back Tim, Amanda, and Stephen. Tim says being in the bottom “never came to my mind.”

They file into the room. Padma asks Timothy how he thinks it went. Tim explains his process of changing his dish from a moussaline to whatever it ended up as. Eric says the vegetables were cut too small so that you couldn’t taste the asparagus, and that the seasoning was bland. Tom criticizes him for throwing asparagus in just to make it not all white.

Patrick tells Stephen that serving a salad in a bowl is the worst possible way to present it. Tom says if he was using the apples for texture, he should’ve diced them rather than leaving them in big wedges.

Eric asks Amanda “What eez a meen-eh-strohn to you?” Amanda lists beans, pancetta, parmesan rind, vegetables. Eric says “een a meen-eh-strohn, you don’t theenk eet ‘az pasta too?”

NO. I’m sorry, Eric Ripert. I love you, but NO. Minestrone literally means “the big soup” – it’s just soup you make in a big ass pot with whatever’s left around the house. It doesn’t HAVE to have pasta. It doesn’t HAVE to have beans (my personal favorite version is one I make with rice and cut veg – lots of balsamic vinegar; no beans, no pasta). It just has to have a lot of stuff in it. Learn it, Frenchy.

(I love you!)

Amanda says that she’s only made it with shelling beans and not pasta. Tom asks her why she didn’t cut the veg uniformly so they’d get an even cook, and Patrick calls it “grandmotherly, as if grandma had done it with her axe.”

They send them back to the stew room.

Padma says all 3 made mistakes. Tom hated the way Stephen presented his dish. Eric says “ee ‘ad three and a ‘alf hours,” and because of that, he tried to put too much into the salad.

Moving to Tim’s turnips, Tom doesn’t think he thought much about the dish. Eric says the dish “was eenveezable.”

Tom doesn’t think Amanda didn’t think about how the carrots would cook, and Eric says the soup “was absolutely not a meen-eh-strohn.” LOOK, FRENCHY. Don’t make me come out there and school you.

Commercial.

Back! Tom says that their choices affected the outcomes of the dishes. Amanda needs to know to cut things so they cook evenly. Stephen didn’t have the confidence just to do a nice salad. Timothy changed horses in midstream and messed up his dish.

Padma tells Timothy to pack his knives and go.

He’s disappointed. Amanda gives him a jumping hug. He wishes he’d gone out on a piece of lamb or something instead of turnips and potatoes. He says he’s looking forward to “picking up the phone and growing old with” his fellow cheftestants.

Next! We’re going to be judged by our peers today! Angelo’s helping Tamesha and Stephen. He definitely has some sort of game plan up here. I think there’s a little bit of cartilage, but I’m not going to say anything. Gosh, I mean seriously?