Project Runway: In Which Tim Gunn Will Tolerate None of Your Bitchassedness

AJ’s joyless dress
Is that what got him sent home?
No. It was Gretchen.

I’m just. . . .

I mean. . . .

So let’s start with this, folks: I knew the bare bones of what had gone on before watching the episode. And if you’re the only person on the interwebs who hasn’t yet read the hilarious “33 Faces of Gretchen” post, go and do that now.

But wow, boy, wow. That still did not adequately prepare me for the sheer unadulterated cray-cray of that episode.

I understand the impulse to try and talk your way out of a situation. I can even understand the impulse to lie your way out of a situation. And while I still think it’s unfathomably stupid for people to do so in situations where a camera is filming their every word, deed, and action, ten years of reality shows have taught us all that it is the opposite of uncommon.

What I don’t understand at all is the kind of immediate reverse Gretchen did in front of a living breathing panel of judges. “We all love and collaborated on this collection. We think it’s lovely, and we don’t understand why we lost. But I should point out that I knew this collection was horrible, and I spent all my time trying to style the looks to save the piece of shit clothes my fellow designers were making, because they are so utterly devoid of taste that they apparently missed the fact that they were making pants with three legs and shirts with the neck sewn together at the top…”

And while I usually admire loyalty, I do not admire or understand the sort of blind slavish devotion the team showed to Gretchen. Yes, she’s won twice, so yes, it could seem smart to listen to her ideas. Andy’s won too – where were his ideas? Michael’s won, and you all basically spent the entire episode telling him to shut up and throwing things at him.

So why do you let that control freak get in your heads and direct every single move you’ve made? And then lead you on a charge over the hill, dominating the conversation with talk of how bad the one guy who can’t possibly go home was, just so none of you will have the opportunity to mention that she did all the leading?
I don’t get it.

Anyway. If there’s one thing this episode did, it’s cement my eternal, unending love for Tim Gunn. Oh, Tim Gunn. You are wise and masterful, like the poet-warriors of old. But better groomed.

Oh, and yeah. AJ went home. And he was from St. Charles, so I was in favor of him on that point. But at the same time, he always seemed like kind of a wet blanket.
So. . .bye, AJ. See you at the reunion, if Lifetime does one.

Morning! Atlas Apartments! Alarms go off and people fret a little bit over Michael C. winning. Christopher says Michael C’s skills aren’t in line with the rest of them. Michael wishes the other designers were happier for him. In the bitchy popular girls apartment (Gretchen, Valerie, Ivy) they bitch about him winning and then talk about April got lucky in not getting kicked off for her diaper, while in the cool but slightly dorky girls apartment, April frets to Peach that no one “got” her diaper. “I got the diaper,” Peach assures her. They both feel like they have targets on their backs.

Runway! Heidi enters wearing a cheap looking dress and tells them that they’ll be working in 2 teams of 6. There’ll be no team leaders, but someone from the losing team will go home.

As winner, Michael C. gets to pick his first teammate. He picks Gretchen. April interviews that he is “such a dumbass for choosing Gretchen. Do you wanna hire Hitler? Seriously? She is gonna put her foot on everything that team does.”

Heidi draws April’s name out of the bag as first on the second team. Valerie frets that she doesn’t want to work with Michael C. or April. But she lucks out on the first go round, as April chooses Mondo. Gretchen chooses Christopher. Mondo chooses Michael D. Christopher chooses Andy. Andy feels like they’re looking like a really strong team.

Michael D. chooses Valerie. Andy chooses Ivy. Valerie chooses “the fantastico Casanova.” Casanova wants to prove to the other designers that he really deserves to be there. Ivy chooses A.J., which means Peach is with the other team by default. She hams up looking for the other people to choose from.

Peach tells us that the other team is “made of all of the self proclaimed superstars” who’ve won all the challenges so far, while her team is made up of the underdogs. Michael C. confirms this by telling us he feels really good about the talent on his team, while April says that the “superstar” team is going to turn into a “clusterfuck of egos.”

I kind of want to start a band and call it “Clusterfuck of Egos.”

Workroom! Tim is there with Peter Butler from Garnier. They’ll be designing a 6 piece collection for Fall 2010. They have to choose a concept and a textile from a board to define the core of their collection. I’m so happy that “50’s ladylike shapes” is apparently on the board for Fall– it’s a good look on me, and something I have enough of that I won’t have to do much shopping.

Garnier guy whines some shit about what kind of hair we’ll be having in fall. Apparently our hair will be just below the shoulders. Now I’m super glad that I started growing mine out in March. Between the hair and the ‘50’s silhouettes, I’m going to be so on trend this fall.

Tim tells them they have an hour to sketch, and a team budget of $1000. They’ll have until midnight tonight and very little time tomorrow.

The teams split up and start their planning, and we get a beautiful study in contrasts. Team Underdog decides to respect each other and listen. Cut to Team Superstar yelling frantically at each other. “They” “decide” on menswear because Gretchen tells them that’s what they should do. Team Underdog rationally discusses things and comes up with military after a vote. From the textiles board, the Superstars pick camel; the Underdogs pick lace.


Team Underdog is all designing their own looks, but they do a lot of talking and discussing and comparing how their looks play off each other so that the collection stays cohesive.

Team Superstar, with Gretchen as the obvious leader, decides to delegate pieces rather than having one person doing a separate look. Gretchen assures them that the other team is going to have “cuckoo drama” so they should be tailored. Everyone shoots all ideas generated by anyone but Gretchen. Naturally, everyone loves all of Gretchen’s ideas. Gretchen talks about how proud of them she is, and how she wants to wear “their” collection.

Team Underdog divides up the responsibilities for who will take care of things at Mood. Peach worries that they’re not really doing a collaboration, and that no one is taking on a leadership role. She thinks everyone in their group feels like they’re going to be in the bottom, and just wants to do a good solo look to guard their own asses rather than making a good collection. Commercial.

Back! Peach continues trying to wrangle the team. Valerie feels like Peach is snapping at her. Team Superstar names themselves Team Luxe because they want to do luxury fabrics. I will never refer to them by that name, as it is stupid, and ultimately untrue. Instead, I will call them “Team P-Whipped.”

Christopher tells Gretchen that he loves her ideas, and reflects that they’ve come to “decisions and agreements faster than I would’ve expected.” Yes, Christopher, it’s easy to come to an agreement when you all just defer and kowtow to one person.

Tim comes in and rounds them all up to go to Mood. Fabric flurry! Team Underdog helps each other carry bolts and sets off on their own assignments. Team P-Whipped runs frantically around trying to find Michael and talks about how they’ll kill him if he fucks it up. Time! Gretchen and AJ do a stupid dance about how they do what they want to.

Seriously, I could not hate her more.

Tim says Thank You Mood! to Mood, and “Bye, Swatch,” to Swatch the puppy. SWATCH!!!!!

I’m so glad he’s become a recurring character. Swatch the puppy is like the secret star of Project Runway. They could shitcan Heidi and the rest of them and just put Swatch and Tim Gunn in charge of the whole show. Swatch is clearly into a classical, tailored look with his black and white coloring, and you can tell by the expression on his face that he would not tolerate any bitchassedness from the designers.

Workroom! Team Underdog is starting to cut and drape to make sure everyone has enough fabric. Team P-Whipped eats and talks about dividing up responsibilities. Ivy is the only one making her entire look. Valerie interviews that “a little birdie” told them about how they’re divvying up the work, and she thinks it’s a recipe for disaster, “like when you’re vomiting and have diarrhea at the same time.” April randomly interviews that she doesn’t know if she trusts Valerie. It’s probably a good instinct, given Valerie’s normal status as Gretchen’s BFF/hench wench, but it seems a bit out of place.

Gretchen and Christopher talk about the need to keep A.J. on track. Gretchen feels like A.J.’s craftsmanship isn’t up to par. Casanova is trying to tame his instinct to drama and “steel be Casanova, but softener.”

Ivy whines about how Michael C. doesn’t know how to create a cowl. Ivy is a stone bitch. Christopher and Gretchen talk about the need to coddle Michael a little, and Gretchen whines that he’s a time suck who doesn’t know how to sew. Commercial.

Back! Tim returns with Garnier guy for the styling consultation. The teams have to pick two teams to consult with him. Team Underdog picks April and Ivy, who describe a French braids built up into a Mohawk look. Garnier guy suggests something softer.

Team P-Whipped sends Gretchen, of course, and Andy, who stands there silently while Gretchen spouts some generic nonsense about classic and modern without offering specifics. They then agree to go with the extremely tired ”Old Hollywood glam” idea Garnier guy suggests.

Tim thru! He’s going to talk to them as teams, beginning with Team Underdog. He warns about the risk of lace looking old. He’s crazy about the neckline on Mondo’s look. He and Valerie advise Peach to put the berry fabric under the lace rather than on top. He’s a bit excited by Valerie’s promise of zippers and chains, but warns April to clean up her seaming.

We cut to Michael C., who tells us the other team’s collection is like something out of a bordello, and that it’s “not lovely.”

Casanova interviews that he’s scared of Tim Gunn because he always says something bad. Tim says something bad: “your look is looking like the mother of these women [the other designers’ looks]. It needs to be youthened up.”

Casanova is frustrated. “Wans agayn, Casanova, you have may’ another seeyour ceeteezen garment.”

Tim moves to Team P-Whipped where they explain “their” process, and Gretchen says it’s “an authentic collaboration.” Gretchen tells him that they’re such a cohesive, unified, one-spirit team that she feels like she’s “in every one” of their looks “even if I’m not the one sewing.”

Gretchen should just flat out say "I am the puppet master, and I make all these lesser little spirits dance to my every whim. They are merely executing my designs, because while they are of mean intellect, they can still appreciate my greatness. Me, me, me. Look at my cheekbones."

We see some of the pieces, including Ivy’s grotesque Nancy Regan’s day off circa 1982 bloussant top, and April talks about how boring Team P-Whipped’s collection is.

Tim tells them they’re really ambitious in terms of the number of items. He warns them that by comparison to the other team, their collection “is looking very ho-hum.”

Casanova gets lost after the critique, and decides to take a break, or as Valerie calls it “a major, major, major diva moment.” She and Michael D. go to comfort him, which kind of takes the form of chastisement for awhile as Valerie tells him their team can’t win without him finishing. Then they become slightly more comforting and say nice things about his skills. Then Peach comes in and does a kind of motherly thing and tells him that he should rest for a bit. “An’ I’m eeven getting fat!” Casanova moans.

Valerie comes back and informs the team that Casanova wants to leave, and they may have to finish the dress for him. Commercial.

Back! The models enter for their fittings. Casanova’s model, Sarae looks around for Casanova, and goes to try and talk to him. Casanova is talking to his Tia Lucy on the phone in Spanish with subtitles, and some swearing. Between Sarae and Tia Lucy, they manage to bring him back to a place of relative sanity. Casanova says that Sarae is his angel.

A.J. has nothing ready for his model to try on. Michael hates the fit on his blouse. Christopher talks about how frustrating it is that Michael’s the weakest link, but he has immunity.

Over on Team Underdog, which we shall heretofore refer to as Team Functional, Casanova wonders if “mebbe I’m too ole’ fashion’ for this show. I just can work weeth slots an’ ole’ ladies.”

30 minutes! Gretchen talks about how she’s making pieces for every single look, and it’s feeling intense.

End of day. They all head out of the workroom, and then through the magic of television it’s the next morning and they’re waking up at Atlas. April feels like Team Functional is in a good place because they’re all creative, whereas the other team is “All Gretchen.”

Gretchen tells Ivy that she woke up at 4 a.m. and made a list of what they’d need to get done.

Workroom! Team P-Whipped has a meeting about Gretchen’s to do list. Team Functional calmly puts the finishing touches on their designs. Gretchen gives Michael C. orders about exactly what she needs in his design. Ivy runs around trying to help because she’s done. Valerie says ‘the other team, they are cray-cray.”

Henceforth, Team P-Whipped shall be known as Team Cray-Cray.

Tim enters and tells them that they have two hours for the Handlebar Moustache Man makeup room and the Garnier Guy hair salon. Some of the people on Team Cray-Cray assign their models to do some of the finishing work. Oh dear.


Ten minutes! Gretchen needs them to get some “Grandpa Sweaters” done. Valerie thinks their team “the Bad News Bears” is going to pull it out. Gretchen snides about how Team Cray-Cray’s collection is more cohesive than the other team.

Time! AJ says their project is more ambitious, so it doesn’t surprise them that they ARE the winning collection. Ivy says the other team doesn’t even stand a chance. On the other side, Michael D. gasps for air and laughs “they have a sweater called ‘the grandpa sweater!’”

I’m beginning to secretly love Michael D. I hope they give him some more screen time soon.

Commercial.

Back! Heidi tells them that blah blah blah six piece collection blah blah blah Kors (hey guys)blah blah blah Garcia (hi everyone) blah blah blah Georgina Chapman.

Team Functional’s runway show is first. We open with Mondo’s look, which is a fairly cray-cray halter top and shorts with mustard leggings. Next is Peach’s blue skirt with the berry colored top and the lace overlay (sidebar: as much as I love Peach, I didn't get everyone getting all effusive about the outfit. It's just. . .bleah). April has made some slick pants with a kicking vest with lace and patent panels. I dig the look.


Valerie’s off-white suit with a blue top and leggings is next. We see subtitles of someone on Team Cray-Cray whispering “this bears very little relationship to the last one. I think we’ve got it.”

Next is Casanova’s look, some awesome white pants and an alarmingly elegant black lace vest. Love it. Valerie interviews that she wants those pants. We finish with Michael D’s dress, which is black and gold lace with a ton of interesting details.

The models do a walk around and Gretchen helpfully tells us that she likes individual elements, but it doesn’t read as a true collection. Valerie, on the other hand, is proud of her team and thinks they did a great job.

Team Cray-Cray’s looks take the runway. First out is red jodhpur type pants with a shabby looking top. Second is some nice camel pants with a blouse and a cape sweater thing – it has a slight appeal in so much as it looks like a cheap knockoff of a Kate Hepburn look. Third is a mini skirt with a belted cream colored sweater and a red top. It looks very sloppy.

Number four is a straight up Cat’s-ASS-trophe. Grey shorts, a very eighties blouse, and a camel sweater. Fifth is grey pants, a too sheer top, and a camel coloured crop jacket. Finally, we have a whoreish looking red dress and another camel coloured jacket.


The Models of the House of Cray-Cray do a walkaround, and Christopher interviewed that they thoughtfully created the collection and worked as a team.

Heidi calls Mondo, Peach, Valerie, Casanova, Michael D. They are the winning team. Peach is ecstatic to see “kind of the misfit team come in and take over the giants.”

Heidi rubs salt in Team Cray-Cray’s wounds by telling them the obvious—they’re the losers, and one of them will be out. They’re sent off stage so the judges can talk to the smart kids first.

In the greenroom, Team Cray-Cray is shocked and can’t believe they lost.

Heidi congratulates the winners. Valerie explains the idea of balancing the collection between hard and soft and trying to stay cohesive while retaining theirown voices.

Backstage, Team Cray-Cray keeps talking about how much better they are than the people who just beat them, and Gretchen starts talking about how “it really doesn’t look like any one of us” so that no one will throw her under the bus for her obvious over the top leadership. Which. . .I don’t think they’re smart enough for that to have occurred to them, really.

Back on the runway, Kors tells them they achieved a good balance and women will want to wear these clothes. Nina thinks they’re very versatile and they worked on accessorizing and styling. They all love the hair. Heidi asks “who is responsible for white pants and lace top.” They all point to Casanova.

The judges gush over Casanova’s outfit. Kors tells Peach that the edging on her outfit is great.

Gretchen tells them that they have to make a decision about “going out there and saying a name” or saying they were all in it together. They all slit their wrists and kill a cow and a virgin and make a pact in blood not to throw “anybody”—by which they mean Gretchen – under the bus.

The judges ask Team Functional who should win, and everyone apparently says Casanova, except Casanova, who says Peach.

Team Functional goes back to an empty green room, and Team Cray-Cray comes out to the runway. Commercial.

Back! Gretchen starts talking about how it was a true collaboration that would enable everybody’s strengths to come out and support other’s weaknesses. . .and then she starts choking up and saying there wasn’t a weak link and they worked really hard.. . .and the judges should really think about that.

I love it. She’s trying to tell the judges how to do their jobs. Because she is Gretchen. She can bend the will of multitudes, so how could the judges not listen to her?

Ivy tells them that hearing they lost “it’s like having a baby and someone saying it’s ugly.” And she cries. Oh Ivy. Some babies are ugly. More people should acknowledge this fact.

Heidi reminds them that Michael has immunity. Gretchen asks them to be mindful of who they want to see more from, and that that’s the fairest way for them to choose.

The judges remind her that that is NOT the way the competition works – one of the guiding rules is that they don’t judge on past performance.


Kors tells them it’s nice that they’re a team, but they should sack up and grow some balls because their collaboration is vanilla and boring. Georgina agrees that there’s no spirit or individuality.

Nina points out that every single outfit has a proportion problem, that there’s no sex appeal in the outfits, and the colors are ghastly. Michael says that for a team calling themselves Luxe, there’s no lushness in the clothes at all.

Heidi points at the horrible Nancy Reagan goes to a Ren Faire outfit on the end and says “To meeee, this look is ze worst. Who made this?” Ivy admits that she did. Kors hates the “Golden Girl vest,” and Nina laments the “granny shorts.”

Heidi then asks about the “shiny” “air-hostess” shirt. A.J. admits he did. Kors says there’s no scale or volume.

Gretchen said that “very late in the game” they realized “that grandma had arrived,” and Kors reminds her that that’s not what she said when they came out. Gretchen takes responsibility for the styling and says she was trying to style “a crappy collection” to try and save it.

The judges call her out again on lying and trying to cover her ass. They ask who had the hardest time, and she says Michael did. They ask which ugly piece Michael made, and he shows them the blouse. Georgina Chapman says the blouse is perfect. HAA.

Suck that, Gretchen.

Gretchen says again that Michael’s technical skills are the weakest and she “had to work with him so much that I had no time to focus on what makes me strong.” So she was making all her decisions at the last minute.

“It’s amazing that your tune has changed,” Heidi points out.

“I feel like we all just tried our hardest, and we don’t know who to pick because no one was on their game. . .there’s not like a ‘you were the worst on your game’ it’s like ‘everybody sucks.’”

“It’s true,” Ivy whispers. I don’t know if Ivy realizes she’s just admitted that she sucks, or if she’s so used to agreeing with every word that falls out of Gretchen’s mouth that she’s powerless to resist.

Heidi asks Ivy who’s the weakest designer. Ivy says they all spent time helping Michael. Heidi reminds her that Michael has immunity. She won’t name anyone else. Christopher does the same—throwing Michael under the bus and not naming anyone else. AJ says that his own weakness was not bringing his sense of fun to the challenge, but yeah, Michael sucks. Andy agrees with his team members about Michael’s suckiness.

Heidi points out that it’s easy to blame the guy with immunity, who has actually done good work. Gretchen explodes “I feel like you’re asking for a martyr” (no, dumbass, they’re asking you for someone else’s name, not a gesture of self-sacrifice). “I don’t want to leave just because I say ‘pick me because I guess I’ve failed too.’” Then she keeps babbling about how Michael is their weakest link.

Ivy snaps that she doesn’t know if Michael’s flaws are “laziness or just ignorance.” WOW. Bitch.

The judges tell them that if they won’t give them a name, they need to know who made what. So they all go through and show them what they made, piece by piece. It’s a little exhausting. Ivy did the entire horrible shorts outfit, but AJ just made the shirt dress.

Heidi sends them away. In the green room, Gretchen glares and refuses to talk about it. AJ says people were honest about how they felt “and people got their feelings hurt.”

Gretchen reiterates that Michael has no talent and they all had to spend all their time helping him. Michael doesn’t feel the same way, but tells them that if everyone else thinks so, he won’t disagree.


The judges talk about the winning team, and how individually they’ve been in the bottom a lot, but together there show was fun, interesting, cohesive, and modern. Heidi is excited for Casanova and how he turned it around. Nina says that Peach surprised them by entering modern times.

On the other hand, the losing team should’ve come up with something amazing, but came up with nothing attractive or interesting.

Kors says that “Gretchen had too much to say” and Nina talks about how she changed her tune. They laugh about the attempts to throw Michael C. under the bus.

They all think Ivy’s look was hideous. AJ “gave up his design aesthetic” and made the fewest pieces. Heidi points out that Gretchen was obviously the team leader with “the whip in her hand” and made everyone else “afraid to open their mouths.”
Commercial!

Back! Heidi says that the winner is. . .Casanova! Everyone claps. Michael D. and Valerie hug him.


Casanova says “I wasn’t esspecting to ween the challenge, but when Heidi say that, she made my night.”

Team Functional goes back to the green room. They congratulate him and he says “well, ees not abou’ me, ees abou’ all together.” Awww. Now I kind of like him.

Back on the runway. Michael is in because he has immunity. He goes back to the greenroom feeling sad about how everyone on his team went after him.

Christopher is in. Ivy is in, despite having made an entire awful outfit. Andy is in.

So it’s down to Gretchen and AJ. AJ looks resigned to his fate almost to the point where you think he might throw himself on his sword for Gretchen.

Heidi tells them that Gretchen did a lot of backpedalling. They can tell she made a lot of the decisions, all of which were unfortunate. However, AJ only made a crappy shirtdress.

So Gretchen, of course, is in. And AJ is out.

Gretchen goes back to the greenroom and pretends she takes responsibility for the things the judges called her out for. Gretchen doesn’t know the meaning of the word responsibility unless it’s in the context of deflecting it or avoiding it.

AJ wishes he’d gone for something that was his point of view instead of something that didn’t have a trace of him in it.

And then the beautiful thing happens. The thing so beautiful that I watched it three times.

Tim enters and sternly tells him to sit. “I have a few words for Team Luxe. I fundamentally do not understand your behavior and demeanor and affect on the runway. I don’t get it. I don’t know why you allowed GRETCHEN to manipulate, control, and bully you. I don’t understand it. And AJ, you’ve taken the bullet, and now I have to send you to the workroom to clean up your space.”

The way he says GRETCHEN is so filled with vitriol that it’s delicious. The looks on everyone’s faces are delicious. The reactions are amazing.

Ivy interviews “whoa. . .Tim is kind of right in what he says, and I don’t think Tim just says things just to say, and I think it made all of us have an aha moment.”

Gretchen tells the camera “I’m not a manipulative person, and it really really hurt my feelings to have Tim say that to me (voice break) because I just wanted to help. . .”she talks about how AJ said he wanted to make a shirtdress, and could’ve made a more fun shirt dress. April interviews that it’s Gretchen’s fault that AJ is going home.

AJ tells us it’s been an amazing experience and will make him a better designer in the future.

Next time! New models! Shitting my pants! Way too much! It’s like a great big oversized bra! I have a little surpise for you! And then my DVR stopped.

Look, People. . .

Given how quickly they've been churning out the seasons lately, I get to watch Project Runway about half the Thursday nights of the year.

But how often am I going to get to see the greatest player in baseball hit his 400th career home run?

Yeah. So you should've known which one I was going to pick.

Recap sometime Saturday, sometime between whenever I've slept off tonight's game and whenever I leave the house to go to that one.

Oh, and spoil away in the comments if you want to -- I'm not one of those assholes who'll whine about the world not conforming to their schedule.

Top Chef: Buy Me Some Fritters and Tuna Tartar. . .

Amanda goes home
For grey tuna. At ball game
Stick with crackerjack

In a season of damnably predictable episodes (with the exception of the “OMG shocking ‘cuz he’s TEH BESTEREST and we know that because HE TELLS US SO” offing of Kenny), this one was the damnably predictable. .er…est…

Oh, titballs, people. I just can’t get het up about it. I liked Amanda – partly because of her position as enemy-of-Kelly (the enemy of Kelly is my friend), partly because it’s in my vast contrarian nature to always like the person the rest of the world picks to shit on (except you, Danielle Staub. You’re just awful) and shit on the person the rest of the world picks to like – but she was clearly getting through for awhile on the mercies of the “someone sucked worse” rule we discussed last season in re: the dreadful Robin.

And I really have some sand in my drawers about this week’s episode, but it’s not because of Amanda. It’s partly because this episode should’ve been like a gift from merciful Jebus straight to me – a Top Chef episode set at my own local baseball park? Yes, please.

But plopped into the middle of this season, and populated by the dazzling display of mediocre talents we have arrayed before us, it was just like one hour long sad trombone “wah-wah”. There’s nothing more disappointing than an inferior iteration of something you should love beyond reason.

And it’s partly because the entire episode was sheer anti-fucking-climax for me, because moments before it started, this danced sexily across my twitter feed:

So the minute you read that, you knew that someone was going to have undercooked or poorly prepared something, probably fish or chicken. And then the second Amanda agreed to do fish after Kelly bitchily demanded she yield crab, you knew who it was going to be. And if you didn’t catch on at that point, she decided to serve it tartar.

Thanks a heap, Eric Ripert. Thanks a big fucking heap. (call me!)

And then there’s. . .the other thing.

You know how I’ve been saying there were episodes where you’d see me get a little cheezed? You know how I said that this episode especially was going to make me super bitter? You want to know why?

Ok people. Here it goes:

I WAS AT THAT GAME. I was at that very game. And I knew from the Top Chef watching pages and the Top Chef watching twitters that the Top Chefs had been spied at the stadium that day.

Did I see them? Did I get to taste any of their delicious food, or see Tom and Padma, or. . .ANYTHING?

No. Of course not. And you know why? Because that’s the way my life goes. Because God likes to tease me, the way he teased Moses in the desert.

(And also because I’d gotten a discount on seats in a box, and spent most of the game craning my neck toward the luxury boxes where I assumed they’d be while ignoring the third baseline concessions stands where they actually had been before the game).

But I digress. . .Let’s just get this on with so I can go and see the Cardinals/Nationals game tonight, where there will be no Top Chefs and no specialty concessions, but where I will get to see Carpenter pitch.

Suck that, universe. I’ll take Carp and Pujols over an oversalted crabcake BLT or some tuna tartar in a paper bowl any day.

Oh, and last thing, and don’t say you never saw this coming: the good news is, Bravo had a rate-the-plate gallery up this morning. The bad news is that it looks like this:



Bravo interns? To quote Mel Gibson, I am going to come and burn your fucking house down, but you will blow me first.

Morning! Top Chef DC Townhouse. Everyone is yelling for Ed to wake up, and once he does they all laugh hysterically because he’s wearing Tiffany’s yellow cotton dress with his “nasty chest hairs” coming out over the v-neck. Oh, good times. Tiffany jokes that everyone wants to be her, and Amanda asks if he has her panties on too. Kelly gives yet another interview about how she wants Amanda to go home. Oh, go name something after yourself, hagbiscuit.

And then Angelo talks about the creepy chef altar he had as a child. No, I’m not fucking kidding. Verbatim quote time:

“When I was young, I used to cut out pictures of all famous four star chefs. I’d have a room, I’d light candles, and every single day I’d go and pray before them.”

Hide. Your. Children.

Now, I will fully admit that I have pictures of some of my chefetish crushes tacked to the leopard print bulletin board above my desk. What can I say, handsome men in white coats inspire me. I like to look at them while I’m writing blogs, or e-mailing my mom, or facebook stalking my ex boyfriends, or playing endless rounds of Solipskier (which is the best game ever, by the way). But I don’t light candles and pray to them.


That’s a totally different thing. Shut up.

Amanda gives a slightly hilarious interview making fun of Angelo and all his Anthony Robbins mantras. This is why I love her, no matter what the rest of you say. She’s the only one of these assholes who seems to be enjoying herself.

Hinckley Hilton Kitchen. Padma introduces Rick Moonen, Top Chef Masters two time loser and king of the briny deep. Tiffany interviews that as a “seafood guy,” Moonen is close to her heart.


Time for the quickfire! Padma reminds them that only 6 of them remain to fight it out for the title of “Top Chef. Top Dog. Top Banana. The Big Cheese.” They all look puzzled. Padma explains that their quickfire is to cook a dish based on a food idiom. NICE. I like this challenge idea – I wish they did more of this kind of inspiration/wordplay stuff and less “make a recipe – wait, now it’s soup!”

Kelly shows that she has no sense of humor again by deciding to steer away from the risqué ones like “Hide the salami.” Dear Kelly: you are 33 years old. I know you’re married, but trust me, you’re too young and too cute (yes, I said it) to be that much of a prude. It’s an idiom, for god’s sake. You’re not actually going to be working with a penis.

Padma tells them that the winner’s dish included in Top Chef Schwan’s home delivery dinner line.

Kevin gets to choose first and he selects “bring home the bacon”. Ah, a man after my own heart, even if I do think he’s a whiny piggy boy. Amanda takes “big cheese”. In a perfect move, sour faced Kelly chooses “sour grapes”. Ed takes “hot potato”. Tiffany grabs “spill the beans,” and Angelo selects “bigger fish to fry.”

I’m very sad that no one actually took “hide the salami.” Stupid Kelly ruins everything.

One hour to cook. Food flurry. Amanda is going for mac and cheese, and thinks it would be a good choice for a frozen dinner. Ed talks about how annoying and sloppy Amanda is. Angelo talks about how people talk trash about Amanda, but she’s a dark horse and has snuck by everyone.

Tiffany is working with canned beans and trying to develop flavor in them. Kelly talks about how organized she is and how all the other chefs seem disorganized. Shut up, Kelly.

Kevin thinks there’s too much going on with Angelo’s fish. Kevin himself is making bacon 3 ways. Amanda says Ed looks like he’s about to die because he’s making gnocchi in an hour.


Time! Tasting! They begin with Ed’s “Hot Potato” which is Herb and Roasted Garlic Gnocchi with Spring Vegetables and Mushroom Fricassee. Tiffany has “spilled the beans” with Pan Seared Cod on Stewed Beans with Swiss Chard, Carrots, and Bacon. And speaking of bacon, Kevin has “brought home the bacon” with Bacon 3 Ways: Bacon Puree, Bacon Chopped, and Bacon Froth with Poached Egg. NOM.

Angelo reflects that there’s no way you could freeze Kevin’s dish, so it’s a poor choice for this challenge.

Moving on, Kelly has sour grapes. That’s just her perpetual state of being. She’s also interpreted “sour grapes” as Pan Roasted Chicken Breast, Caramelized Brussels Sprouts Leaves and Red Grape Sauce. Angelo has “bigger fish to fry,” but for now he’s made Chile Crusted Tilapia Satay with Asian Tartar Sauce, Sambal and Shitake. And Amanda is “the big cheese” with her Mac & Cheese with Bacon and Jalapenos and a Pork Chop Side.

YUM. Ok, that sounds like my kind of thing, but at the same time, at 1905 on Sunday I ordered the breakfast fry -- two eggs, two slices of bacon, white boudin sausage, a center cut sugar cured pork loin, fried apples, and white cheddar grits – and still got an order of potato hash to go with.

What I’m saying here is: I’m not a girl who shies away from a generous plate of food.

Padma asks Moonen for his “bad eggs”. He tells us that his least favorite is Kelly’s (HAH) because the sprouts and puree were odd. Amanda’s was like a “sledgehammer to the gut.” She says this the first time she’s disagreed with the judges, and is throwing herself a pity party in her head.

On the other hand, the dishes that were Moonen’s “cup of tea” were Kevin’s, which was really delicious, and Ed’s which was well conceived and well thought out.

And the winner is. . .Ed! Angelo says Ed’s face would look amazing on a package because he looks like a potato. Oh, that’s mean. But I don’t disagree. Commercial!

Back! Elimination challenge! Padma tells them that they’ll be cooking for one of the oldest sports institutions in the country – BASEBALL!

YAYYYYY!!!!!

They’ll serve high end concession stand food at Nationals Park during their pregame, working as one team to make at least 6 dishes.

Everyone’s face falls. Amanda reminds them that team challenges haven’t worked well in the past, and we’re treated to a revisiting of all of them yelling at each other prior to the farm challenge. We need to see this because it’s utterly different from the way they’ve yelled at each other in subsequent weeks of this shittastic program.


They have 15 minutes to plan. Tiffany complains that Kelly talks a lot. “I’m thinkin’ to myself ooooooh buddy because Kelly’s trying to take control.” Amanda is thinking crab, and then Kelly says “I’m thinking crab cake. Can you do some sort of fish instead of shell fish?” Amanda reluctantly agrees. Oh, Doooooom Amanda. Dooooooooom. This is where I started to say goodbye to you.

Whole Foods! They have 30 minutes to shop and a budget of $2000. Ed tells us that he’s a Red Sox fan (which probably means that he was a nice guy until 6 years ago, but now he’s an entitled douchebag) so he wants to make something fried. Angelo is going to make a dim sum inspired pork bun dish. . .with hot dog buns. Amanda wants to make a statement, so she’s making tuna tartar. And we wave to her a little bit harder as her shadowy figure presses toward the horizon. Kevin is making a chicken skewer.

Kitchen! 3 hours to prep. Angelo realizes his pork needs a minimum of 2.5 hours to braise. Tiffany’s dish is inspired by an Italian sausage sandwich at the state fair in Beaumont.

Amanda is tartaring her tuna tonight so that she doesn’t have a temperature sensitive prep tomorrow. She asks Angelo for advice, which everyone else thinks is stupid. “Come back, Amanda! Come back!” we all cry. But Amanda is too far gone. Amanda cannot hear us. Amanda’s ears are plugged with tuna tartar, and she doesn’t realize she’s marching onward, ever onward, toward the edge of a precipice.

9 minutes 37 seconds. Ed is making shrimp and corn poppers, and is struggling to make 550 of them. Ed is rushing around like a maniac. Angelo calls him the Tasmanian devil. Also mean, but apt. Time!

They all head out of the kitchen. Back at the townhouse Amanda talks about how someone’s going to have to take orders from the customers. This doesn’t seem to have occurred to any of them until now. Assmasters. Kelly says she can’t serve because she has to cook her crab cakes in batches. Angelo agrees to be the one to do it.

Kevin says “now it’s his problem.” Kevin doesn’t seem like a charitable or good natured person, but it’s hard to hold that against him when none of the others do either. Commercial.

Back! The chefs arrive at Nationals Park where I will be in a mere twelveish hours, watching Carp pitch. Yay! Kevin talks about how he doesn’t trust Angelo taking the orders. They have an hour to prep and cook. Kelly talks about the need to organize and be efficient since there’s so little space.

Food flurry! Angelo wants to talk about things since he’s finally realized he can’t plate and take orders. He sorts out a way to work things, and Kevin shouts that there’s no way that’s going to work. Angelo asks him to chill out, and Kevin replies that he doesn’t have to chill. Kevin has valid points about how he shouldn’t have put himself out to take the role if he didn’t realize what it was going to entail. They eventually sort things out so that Ed will handle Angelo’s dish. Angelo’s not thrilled to have to trust his dish to Ed.

Tom arrives with Adam Dunn (yay!), Matt Capps (yay!) and John Lannan (yay!). I’m so glad they picked dudes I like. They roam around the back of the kitchen. Amanda interviews that they’re the largest men she’s ever seen.

Kelly is concerned that her bacon is too salty. Amanda’s tuna is looking grey and starting to oxidize. Oh, Amanda. You’re like the dumbest burro on the Grand Canyon trail ride, aren’t you? You can’t see the cliffs, and you can’t even tell who’s another donkey that you should be following and who’s a bobcat trying to lure you off the path and eat you. Angelo talks about how he could’ve helped her, but he’s helping himself. As a point of contrast, Tiffany gives Kevin an honest critique of his dish because ‘nobody is going home because of me.”

Time! Crowds arrive! People start ordering rapid fire. Everyone is ordering meatballs and crabcakes. Everything else is getting ignored. Kelly pats herself on the back for picking an appropriate concept. Ulch, shut up, Kelly. The players arrive again and order one of each dish. They seem to like the tuna, crab cakes, and skewers, but the meatball is Adam Dunn’s favorite. He doesn’t care for Ed’s risotto balls, dropping one on the ground and comparing it to “chewed caterpillars.”

You can mock me for this all you want, but I love Adam Dunn. I have a soft spot for big dumb lunks, especially if they play first base and smack ridiculous homers. I’m still a huge McGwire fan too.

The judges arrive – Padma is wearing a Nationals jersey that looks entirely out of place on her – and order the girls’ dishes. So they’re eating Kelly’s Open Faced Crab Cake BLT with Sweet Potato Fries; Tiffany’s Italian Meatball Sub with Fennel, Basil Pesto, and Mozzarella, and Amanda’s Yellowfin Tuna Tartar with Fennel, Meyer Lemon and Fava Bean Puree. Amanda is understandably worried about serving grey tuna to Eric Ripert and Rick Moonen, but hopes they’ll judge on taste.

Tasting Amanda’s dish, Moonen says it takes “some baseballs” to serve raw fish at a baseball stadium, but Ripert is not impressed by the color. Tom says she did a good job with the vegetables.

Moonen thinks Kelly’s dish has good flavor, but Padma finds it salty. Ripert finds Tiffany’s sub difficult to eat, but Moonen loves it.


Back in the kitchen, they seem to have found a better rhythm. Angelo and Ed are joking with each other and the customers. Angelo says that everyone’s energy is good except Kevin’s.

The judges come back for the men’s round of food. They start with Angelo’s Sweet Glazed Pork on Lobster Roll with Sweet Sesame Pickles. Kevin is serving Chicken Kebab with Romesco Sauce, Shoestring Fries and Smoked Paprika Aioli. And Ed has made Shrimp and Corn Risotto Fritters with Jalapeno Aioli.

Moonen loves the fritter. Tom says the corn is nice and sweet.

Kevin frets that he’s not getting a lot of orders for his chicken skewer. Ripert says the chicken is good, but the fries are soggy.

OH MY GOD, they show a dude I know downing Angelo’s sandwich. Universe, why do you hate me? Life is so freaking unfair. Anyway, Ripert thinks it has too much bread. Moonen says it has a nice heat, but no finish.

They interview a bunch of random people about what they liked. Tom thinks they did a nice job working together. They go and fetch the chefs. Commercial.

Fakeback! Townhouse. Angelo is talking to his Russian fiancée and mentions how they’ve only seen each other a couple of times, but talk 5 or 6 hours a night.

Creepy. Creepy Creepy Creepy. Seriously, he gets creepier every time he speaks.

Really back! At the game! We see Adam Dunn hitting a homer (WHICH I SAW) and then we cut to the stew room, where everyone’s talking about whether they feel sick. Padma calls back all of them.

Judges’ Table. They start by asking about the division of labor. Angelo explains how he ended up taking the lead. Tiffany tries to step in and tell her version of how things happened. Kevin interjects something. It’s very confusing to me, and I’d feel bad about that, but Tom looks befuddled too. Anyway.

They start for real with the chefs they enjoyed the most. Moonen tells Ed he did a terrific job. Ripert liked the spicy sauce, and Tom said it was a tidy dish. Tiffany’s wasn’t tidy, but it was also delicious. He really liked the cumin in the meatball.

And the winner is . . .Ed! He’s stoked about winning because he was doubting himself the day before. He wins a copy of Rick Moonen’s book. ..wah wah…oh, and a trip to Australia! Nice.


Tiffany and Ed get to leave. They joke around about announcing Ed’s win to the empty room. Cute.

Now we get to hear about the less successful dishes: Tom liked that Amanda tried to do something different, but Ripert calls her out for the oxidized fish. Tom asks the competitors if they would’ve done tartar the same day. Kevin says he wouldn’t have done tartar.

Moonen thinks Kevin started off with a great idea, but it didn’t come across. Ripert had skewer issues and found the fries soggy. Moonen thought that Kelly treated the crab with respect, and liked the flavor but found the sandwich soft. Ripert thought the crab was good, but the bacon was a “beeg fatteee slab ohf bacon.” Moonen thought the bread sucked the life out of Angelo’s pork. Padma also says it was too sugary.

They send them back. Deliberation. Moonen says there was too much going on on Kevin’s plate. Ripert brings up the long skewer again. Amanda shouldn’t have cut her tuna the day before, and Ripert was “oh-fain-ded by zee colair of zee product.” Angelo didn’t fix the problems of his dish, and his bread, according to Ripert “eez like a spohnj, an’ eet drank all zee jus right away an’ eet became like a soft –ball.” Tom liked Kelly’s crab, but the BLT part was a problem. Moonen thought it was like a bait-and-switch because they didn’t really get a BLT. Commercial.

Back. Tom tells them that they made “a few errors” and recaps the problems with the food they made. And to the surprise of no one, Amanda is asked to pack her knives and go. She thanks them for the opportunity and hugs Kevin and Angelo. Kelly smirks. Shut up, Kelly. Amanda is glad to have been the only sous chef to have made it this far.

In the stew room, she hugs Kelly, Tiffany, and Ed. She says she’ll always remember this experience, and it drives her to push herself harder than she has before.

Next: NASA. Make a dish that’s out of this world. Buzz Aldrin (who will apparently appear on any reality show for food). Make it or break it. It’s anybody’s game. We have a problem.

Sandra, You Temptress

This one's going to be tough to resist:

It's the Halloween issue, folks. And if it's anywhere near as chockfull of grade-A genuine cuckoo for cocopants crazy as the last Halloween issue. . .

Can I be satisfied with a quick skim in the grocery store? Can I stop myself from giving in and taking it home with me? Should I even try to resist?

Project Runway: Mad Hatters

Kristen. Vagina.
O’Keefe rolls in her cold grave.
Honor the flower.

I’m not going to miss Kristen’s work, which looked really sloppily constructed and not terribly imaginative throughout the competition. I am, however, going to miss her ability to crack Tim Gunn up about wooly balls.

And that’s all I have to say about Kristen.

I’m trying to think of my usual preliminaries, and it’s just not cranking this morning – I’m running a little behind despite having woken up almost an hour early, and that’s one factor, but the other is that except for the glorious hat porn, this episode left me a little “meh.”

In its favor, I will say that it seemed to crank along a lot faster than the previous episodes have – I didn’t hit the 70 minute mark and go “oh my god, why is this not over yet?” the way I have before. And there was glorious, glorious, hat porn.

I love hats. It’s one of the great pains of my life that I really can’t wear them, because I have a ginormous man sized head, and they don’t make ladies’ hats to accommodate that. But I can look, and I got a lot of pleasure from looking at Philip Treacy’s hats in this episode.

On the down side, though, not a lot seemed to happen – there was a lot of shit talking, and the win had a lot of the same “wha?” headscratcher quality for me that it seemed to for the other designers. But overall, it just seemed. . .meh. That was reinforced this morning when I was grabbing pictures and looked at the outfits – there was a lot of competently executed work, but nothing that really jumped out as being exciting or innovative or new.

So that said, let’s get down to business.

Instead of our usual “Morning! Atlas apartments!” beginning, we start off right where we left off – Ivy has fainted in the hallway and everyone is worried. Some blurred out paramedics cart her away in the ambulance.

Gretchen and Valerie sit around the apartment eating carrots and worrying about her. Valerie thinks she’s just not taking care of herself.

At 3:20 a.m., Ivy returns, and tells the cameras she was just dehydrated. She was embarrassed by the experience, and has been inspired by the hospital room.

Parsons! Runway! Heidi enters and reminds them that Andy has immunity because he won the last challenge. Heidi is very excited about this challenge –she calls out the models and they all enter wearing awesome hats.

Sidebar: I’ve decided I want a sun hat with just a stupid big brim. Like I want this hat to extend far enough around me that it keeps strangers from getting too near. However “hat with stupid big brim” is not yielding a lot of results. Any suggestions on where I could pick one up? And remember, it has to fit my already hugeous (7 ½) dome. If you know a place that sells drag queen sun hats, that’s probably where I need to go.

Heidi then introduces milliner Philip Treacy, and tells them that he’s designed hats for Sara Jessica Parker and Lady Gaga. (He also designed the fascinator Camilla wore at her wedding to Prince Charles, and has an OBE, but I guess we’re not meant to care about that, being Americans and all). Anyway, their challenge is to create a look inspired by a Philip Treacy hat.

The designers wig out about how this is like the holy grail of designing. Treacy tells them to think about volume and proportion that will work. And he quips that matching “is old hat.”

Instead of picking models, the designers will pick the hats they want, and work with the models who are wearing them. They all seem to stay with their previous models, even Peach who sticks with hers despite her horrible attitude. Anyway, the draw concludes with Kristen, who’s not thrilled by what she’s left with because the hat is “in your face.”

By “in your face,” Kristen means that the hat is actually a giant flowering O’Keefe vagina perched on the model’s head.

In the workroom, Tim tells them that they’ll have until 11 that night to work. They have 15 minutes for sketching, and then it’s off to Mood where they have a $150 budget.

Sketching. April’s hat makes her think “future island,” so she’s working on resort wear to go with it. Andy sees his hat on a member of the royal family. Valerie’s hat is more of a mask, and since she’s a big David Bowie fan she starts thinking about Labyrinth.

Oh my god, LOVE HER. I can’t even tell you how many times a day something makes me start thinking about Labyrinth.

Kristen has a hard time being inspired by her giant flowering vagina hat. I don’t much blame her.

MOOD! Fabric flurry! Mondo thinks all the fabrics have voices. Ivy is working on a contrast between solid and mesh that’s inspired by her time in the hospital. Time! Thank you MOOD!

Workroom. Casanova is thinking about quitting because he can’t hear any more negative feedback. He feels that he needs to “cho my taste” to the judges. You know, I’ll just say it now: I ain’t much on Casanova.

Valerie has forgotten to get something – I think a zipper – Ivy steps in to help her. Kristen worries that her hat is too literal, and she’s not a literal designer. And by “literal”, she means “vagina.” Commercial!

Back! Valerie is still fretting about something – she asks if anyone has a black knit. Ivy is determined not to pass out again. We see her eating something that looks to be Chinese food. I will say that this episode dragged way less than the previous ones, but I still feel like the extra time is largely being used to show us what Craft Services fed the designers on a given day.

Kristen seems to be feeling more positive, telling us that she’s now thinking about softness and romance, since she wore orchids in her hair at her wedding. Then she talks about how her hat is very suggestive “look at it, it’s a big vagina.”

“SEE!” I yell, because I’ve been saying “vagina, vagina, vagina” every time that hat came on screen since the show started, and the gays have been mocking me for it. It’s nice to have someone else validate it when you’re seeing big vaginas everywhere.

Anyway, there’s a cute exchange where she talks about being turned on by her hat to a bunch of the boys, and then asks who wouldn’t be slightly turned on by a giant vagina. And then she realizes that she’s talking to a bunch of male contestants on Project Runway, and that straight Jason – who I now realize was wearing a stubby penis on his head the whole time – has mercifully left the building.

Back in the workroom, Michael C. hopes he gets a chance to talk to his son since it’s Fathers’ Day. Wow, they are really tightening up on the time between shooting and airing after that year long hiatus nearly killed them, huh? Ivy thinks he doesn’t have a real vision for his dress yet, and Michael admits that he’s trying to convince himself that he loves his dress when he doesn’t.

Tim thru! He starts with Valerie, who is wearing her measuring tape as a headband. He questions why she has zippers on her dress if they don’t have any purpose, and advises some editing. Valerie thinks that she needs to stay true to herself.

He moves on to April. Valerie is confused by April’s outfit because she doesn’t think that the runway is the place for booty shorts. Tim seems to agree with Valerie, telling April that the “cut and color of the shorts says diaper.” April insists that she’d wear them if her butt was smaller.

Michael Drummond is trying to mimic the opening of his hat with the opening of his dress. Tim warns him that “you don’t want to play it safe and you don’t want it to be a kooky costume.” Ok, that’s the most generic Tim Gunn advice ever – they should just print that on a t-shirt and pass it out to contestants at the beginning of the competition, because it’s the one piece of advice that applies to every contestant in every challenge of every season. Except for the times when they’re explicitly TOLD to make kooky costumes.

Tim warns Kristen that her dress looks fussy. We then get our first dose of Gretchen wisdom for the episode as she tells us she doesn’t like Kristen’s work because she thinks it’s sloppy and not thoughtful. It’s hard to fault her on this as she is, in fact, right and all, but still. Shut up, Gretchen.

Peach is making a short pencil skirt, but she assures Tim it won’t be so short that
it’ll “show the good china.” HAH. What a salty dame. I wish we could see more of her personality and less of her increasingly sad pink designs. Christopher is using this amazing grey and black print that Tim and I both love.


Casanova feels awesome about his design until Tim asks him “haven’t we all seen this dress a hundred times before?” and calls it “Donna Karan 1988.”

Casanova says he can’t keep making mistakes. “I’m not like the cat weeth seven lives.” At first I think this is a hilarious mistake, but in retrospect I think he’s very cognizant of the fact that he’s been in the bottom twice. Anyway, then there’s another typically hilarious Casanova and Tim conversation where everything gets lost in translation, including “and” “but” and “the.”

Michael C’s is not going as he hoped; there’s puckering going on. Tim tells him he’s right to be concerned. Commercial!


Back! Tim bids them goodnight, and leaves them. Michael C. restarts his dress and isn’t feeling confident. Michael D says he’s right to be worried, quipping that there are “many ways to skin a cat, but you should probably bring a knife.”

Gretchen tells us that April’s work is studenty and costumey. Once again, being right doesn’t make her less obnoxious. Michael C. gets to speak to his son Giovanni. They seem to be talking about fishing, which is not what I would’ve put money on beforehand if anyone had laughed.

Three hours left. Michael C. wants to go with his gut feeling, but still know when to stop. Kristen thinks Michael C’s taste level is questionable. They have a model fitting, and then all head home, where they trash talk each other. Gretchen thinks Casanova has no idea what’s modern or fresh. Some of the other boys are confused by Michael D’s cardboard looking dress. Gretchen thinks Peach, Kristen, and April will be in the bottom. Peach is nervous. Commercial.

Back! Atlas, the next morning. Andy knows that he can’t go home, but he’s still afraid to mess up. Michael C. is afraid for April. Kristen thinks she and her flowery vagina hat will be in the top 2, but she wants to at least get some feedback on her work. This is a clear case of the need to be careful what you wish for.

Casanova wanders around with a face mask on. Michael D. asks if he’s going as the Hulk that day, and clarifies the question with “why you have all the green on your face?” once it’s clear that there’s no word for “Hulk” in Casanova’s language. “Ay, because too oily,” Casanova says sadly.

Parsons! Fashion flurry! Ivy knows she can execute beautifully and quickly. Tim enters and tells them they have 2 hours for all the product placement jazz. The models enter. My notes say “MD is going to make an air G skirt.” I think this means that Michael Drummond is running up a new skirt for his model at this point? Anyway, he’s drawn a beard on her face in his hat picture, so she looks more like him.

The designers take their models to the hair salon and the Handlebar Moustache Man makeup studio, where Mondo tells Handlebar that he wants a small moustache painted on his model. Handlebar takes the poor girl by the elbow and says “have a seat over here, handsome.”

Casanova doesn’t think Michael C. will be in the top because “every girl een Puerto Rico have that een her closet.” Christopher is feeling very confident. Peach’s dress is looking too small in the waist.

Philip Treacy comes in to set the hats on the models, and whispers “why on earth have you got a moustache?” to Mondo’s poor model. She has no answer for him.

Christopher thinks his model looks like a chic pirate. Chic pirate is now my official new fashion goal in life. Time! Commercial!

Back! Heidi walks out on the runway with an upside down rose fascinator on her head, and greets them as “Kiss from a Rose” plays in the background. A) Suddenly I’m a freshman in college again; B) I’ve never understood that song – is it “a kiss from a rose on the grave” or “on the grey,” and why is either one a good thing to compare a woman to? C) it must be nice to have a TV show you can use your husband’s 15 year old song in and get him a royalty payment.

Heidi tells them that there are 13 of them now, and tomorrow there will be 12, and she introduces the judges – Michael Kors (hey guys), Nina Garcia (hi everyone), and Philip Treacy (hi.). Philip Treacy looks unamused by the proceedings. I kind of want to make a captioned picture of him – Philip Treacy is not impressed with your bitchassedness.

Showtime! Michael C has made a bronze frippery goddess thing. Gretchen’s outfit is a beige and black tunic with grey leggings –combined with her woodsman-y hat, it looks like a ladies’ Robin Hood costume for Halloween, the one that would say “Sexy Robin Hood.” (you know – the way women’s costumes are all either “thing” or “sexy thing.” Witch or Sexy Witch. Nun or Sexy Nun. Gretchen’s outfit could be bagged and sold as Sexy Robin Hood) Kristen’s is a black and fuschia hodge podge that looks like I could’ve made it with my handi-stitch. And, of course, a giant flowery vagina hat.

Michael Drummond’s is an Asian inspired looking beige top with a red skirt under his fortune cookie hat. Val has made a cute little fuschia dress with a white leatherette bolero vest. AJ has made a polka dot dress for the bad girl on a nineties soap, which I personally love. Continuing the soap opera theme, Andy has made a fuschia satin coat-suit for Joan Collins to wear when she’s angry, and Ivy has made a beige suit for Joan Collins to wear to a wedding.

Why is it so many of them saw hats and immediately went all Dynasty and shit?

April has made a black tank top and a diaper. She enthuses “it really looks like she’s going to this futuristic resort” . . .yeah, if she’s going there to poo. Christopher’s look is way too heavy and harsh – the gorgeous coat we saw earlier is paired with grey satin leggings and boots that just pull it down.

Peach has made a pink and white upholstery looking peplumed mess. Casanova has made a very ordinary black Jersey dress. Snore. Everything from him is either dowager or space hooker. Mondo has made insane polka dot pants and a purple ‘90’s vest. And, of course one wears a small moustache with this, ladies.

Heidi calls April, Michael D., Christopher, Michael C., Valerie, and Kristen.

Everyone else is safe, and they all head back to the green room to talk shit. Gretchen thinks Valerie is in the bottom. Wrong, Sour Grapes – sorry you can’t deal with the fact that the person you’ve dismissed as your sidekick is finally (FINALLY) outshining you the way she's deserved to all along.

Commercial.

Back! They start the Q&A with Michael D., who tells them that he was inspired by the hat’s architecture, and that it made him think of warriors and farmers “and I don’t mean that in a bad way.” Philip Treacy tells him he did a great job and really looked at the shape of the hat. Heidi thinks the skirt is “really cool” which she says in a Dieter inflection. Nina likes the open back.

Michael Kors tells Kristen that “an orchid is this incredibly beautiful and sexy flower” (vagina) and that he sees no correlation with the dress, and that the dress itself is unharmonious. Nina says it looks like she didn’t have a plan and calls the dress “matchy-matchy.”

Christopher says he tried to avoid hard angles in the outfit because of all the points in the hat. Heidi didn’t respond well to the look – she found it too dark and thought it seemed sad. Kors says it loses the “idea” of the hat because it has no romance, and Philip Treacy doesn’t see the connection to the look of the hat.

On the plus side, Christopher seems to really get the critique. It’s a refreshing change from Casanova, who may as well have a big “Que?” thought balloon over his head every time he’s on the runway.

Kors then starts on Michael C’s dress, saying “this is what harmony looks like,” and telling him the back looks effortless. Nina thinks the color of the hat and the color of the dress are perfect. Philip Treacy thinks he was clever to use the iridescence of the hat as a coloring.

Moving on to April, Kors tells her that she picks the right category with resort wear, but that it’s very literal and the model looks like she’s prepared for a 3 day weekend by layering 3 pairs of underwear into a “triple panty.” Nina thinks she sold the hat short, and Philip Treacy calls it weak.

Finally, we get to Val. Heidi thinks the look is beautiful and calls it one of her favorites. Kors liked that what looks to be a “Stevie Nicks hem” is actually very neat. Nina calls it mischievous and coquettish, and Philip Treacy says it’s beautiful but he doesn’t understand where it’s coming from.

The designers head back to the greenroom where everyone talks about what the judges liked and what they didn’t. April cries.

Deliberation. Starting with the bad, Michael says Christopher’s had no sense of fragility. Nina thinks it looked dated, stiff, and overly designed, and that he made his model less beautiful. Philip Treacy recognizes that the top would be good if it had been paired with something more ethereal.

Moving on to Kristen, Heidi says the hat is happy and the dress is not. Nina thinks Kristen doesn’t have the talent for the aesthetic she’s attempting*. Michael is still hung up on April’s “triple panty problem” and Nina says that something’s just not working.

On the good end of things, Nina calls Michael C’s “effortless,” and Philip Treacy agrees. Kors likes that he managed to pull the look together without matching.

Philip Treacy damns Val’s look with faint praise saying there’s “nothing offensive about it,” but it’s not the most stylish. Heidi says the bolero gave it a pop of happiness. Finally, Nina loved the top of Michael D’s, and thought the look was simple but complicated. Heidi likes the way he played with volumes and textures, and Philip Treacy calls him “obviously talented.” Commercial.

Back. Valerie is in. So the Michaels are the top two. Michael C. had the perfect silhouette and material. Michael D’s was gorgeous, sophisticated, sharp, and architectural. And the winner is. . .Michael C. He cries, naturally. He will have immunity next week.

He goes back to the greenroom where he gets a very thin congratulations. In an interview, Ivy blurts out “what the fuck? Oh my god, I said it.” Gretchen seethes that Michael C “is a replicator, he’s not a visionary.” And Ivy can’t believe that Michael win and she and Gretchen weren’t even in the top. “Seriously? Seriously?”

Ok, I kind of likd Ivy, and I kind of liked her beige Joan Collins look, but did she see that dour thing Gretchen sent out? Seriously, Ivy? Seriously?

Back on the runway, Michael D. is in. Christopher is also in. Everyone claps because they’re relieved to see him – they all thought he should’ve been in the top. “And you’re such a handsome boy,” Ivy says.

Now to the bottom two. Kristen had one of the most fantastic hats and her dress was disappointing, not joyful, and unflattering. April made three panties and her look was unflattering. And Kristen is out.

April heads back to the greenroom, where Peach and AJ hug the crap out of her. Casanova says “you and I?” April replies “bottom 2, two times.” He picks up “ we cannot.. .” and she shakes her head ‘we cannot, Alejandro. No more.” It makes no sense, but it's hilarious and adorable.

Kristen is relieved to get back to the real world. She congratulates Michael C, and Tim bids her adieu.

Back at Atlas, April is shocked that Michael won. Valerie thinks that it looked like a mess. Michael Drummond calls it “two handkerchiefs wrapped in a piece of cord and rouched around.

Next time! Teams! Egos! Butting heads! I’m fucking tired!

*I think. It looks like NG – talent tor her asst hectic, but I’d had some wine by that point in the program.

Top Chef: I'd Tell You What They Cooked, But Then I'd Have To Kill You

Alex. Alien
Outerspace veal parmesan
Bald head shines less bright.

(look, I had a margarita last night. You’re not going to get Shakespeare. Just deal with it)

Is balance to the universe restored now, beavers? Can the interwebs stop with the wailing and the moaning and the gnashing of teeth over how “unfair” it was that the person with the worst dishes on the losing team was sent home last week? Is your blood lust satisfied now that Alex and his bald head and his pervasive aura of creepiness are gone?

I’m never going to defend Alex, but the way most of the viewing public was crying out for the rules of the competition to be completely overturned to get him out and keep Kenny the magnificent (who had one win, one high placement, and three trips to the bottom beyond that – what a force. What a beast. What a contender. . .) was unsettling.

It’s a game people. You lose, you’re out. I don’t care if you and everyone else you know and the entire Red Sox organization thinks they’re the best team in baseball – if their record sticks at .570 and there are 7 teams ranked above them, that’s plainly untrue; if they score fewer runs than their opponents in any given game, they lose. Period.

Games have rules, and as sheisty as they may sometimes seem (I’m looking at you, Hosea Rosenberg – or I would be if Bravo hadn’t hidden you under a rock so we’d forget about your win), as much as things may sometimes be or at least seem like the result of bad umping (I’m looking at you, Heidi Klum), if they’re not followed, what’s the point in watching? Where’s the excitement that comes from the equal prospect of satisfaction or disappointment?

Anyway. Alex, you were bald and creepy, and everyone thinks you stole the pea puree. And now you’re gone. And maybe it should’ve been sooner, but it shouldn’t have been last week. And I will point out, just for the sake of anyone still fuming, that even if you set last week’s challenge aside, you and Kenny “the beast” had exactly the same positive elimination challenge record – one win, one high place.

And Alex? Was only in the bottom One. Other. Time. Compare that to Kenny's THREE trips to the hall of shame before the one that got him bounced.

Simmer in that for a spell, internets.

So the Bravo interns apparently left for the summer and have abandoned Andy Cohen to do everything by himself, because this is the second week in a row there are no “rate the plate” photos up. Not only that, there are still no “rate the plate” photos up from last week. So please try and overlook the fact that there are no delicious food pictures or hysterically inept descriptions for the second week in a row.

Let’s get a move on.

Morning! Top Chef, DC townhouse. Amanda makes some Seattle’s Best coffee and Kevin mopes some more about how Alex didn’t put up a dish during the last challenge, and how Kenny should still be there. Alex says some nonsense about how Kevin was taking out his frustration on him. Angelo says some choppily editied stuff about how Kenny was the fiercest competitor there, and how he’s totally exhausted.

Quickfire time! At the Hinckley Hilton Kitchen, Ed notes “Wylie Dufresne and his sideburns” awaiting them. There are also boxes with huge question marks. In Ed’s shoes, I would’ve found that a lot more notable than Wylie Dufresne’s sideburns. Wylie Dufresne and his sideburns are a known quantity. That box? It’s got question marks on it, yo. That could be from the Riddler or some shit.

(And now I want to see a superhero challenge. “Your challenge is to design a dish for a Batman villain.” “Aw man, I got Clayface!”)

Anyway, their challenge is to work with the contents of the mystery box. They will each start cooking a dish using the identical ingredients in the boxes in front of them. But then more boxes will arrive as the challenge goes on, and they must incorporate all the ingredients into the dish.

I kind of love this challenge – it takes thinking on your feet to a whole new level. Tiffany doesn’t like the challenge, because she doesn’t like surprises.

Padma also tells them that this is a high stakes quickfire, where the winner gets $10,000. Angelo wants to win to bring his fiancée over from Russia.

Wh. . .wha--- ….WOW. I had just gotten over the shock of Angelo being straight, and now he has a Russian mail order bride? Is this the same one he just had a baby with? There’s some kind of massive backstory here that we’re never going to hear and it makes me itch with curiosity.

They have 40 minutes to cook. The contents of the first box are fish, fava beans, and an unlabeled can. Food flurry! Alex can’t find a can opener because no one will lend him one. The can is hominy. Kevin thinks Angelo doesn’t know what he’s doing, and Angelo interviews that this is the first time in the competition that he feels lost.

Box #2 is delivered by a Don Draper lookalike in Secret Service Drag. It has squid and black garlic in it. Kelly doesn’t know anything about black garlic, so she tastes it. She gets nervous because she doesn’t want the flavors to get too confusing.

Mystery box #3! Ramps and passion fruit! Ed doesn’t want it. Tiffany has never used a ramp. Sixteen minutes left. Angelo is talking to himself, and can’t sort out whether to make a hot or cold dish.

A fourth box arrives, with jicama in it. Amanda juliennes it and throws it in. Ten minutes left. There’s a full on Tiffany/Amanda collision as they race back and forth to finish. Angelo sweats into his food. Then he brulees it . . to cover the sweat taste? Time!

Tasting. They start with Alex’s Rockfish with Fava Bean Puree, Ramp Fondue and Sauteed Squid. Next is Tiffany’s Fish Stew with Hominy, Fava Beans, Saffron and Black Garlic. Wylie really likes the broth. Kelly has made Yucatecan Seafood Stew with Black Garlic, Fava Beans and Grilled Ramps. Wylie says it’s spicy. Amanda’s Crispy Skin Striped Bass, Squid Fricassee, and Leek and Mushroom Fondue is next.Wylie asks her if it has butter or oil in it; Amanda replies that there’s a bit of both. Kevin has made Pan Seared Rockfish, Hominy Puree, Jicama and Passion Fruit Salad. Wylie asks what the heat is. Kevin says pepper flakes, and we cut to Kelly shaking her head smugly.

We move on to Ed’s Rockfish Sashimi with Hominy Basil Puree and Grilled Squid Marmalade, then finish with Angelo's Smokey Hominy Pot Au Feu, Squid Rockfish Tataki and Passion Fruit Gel. His gel is starting to melt.

Wylie says that they did well overall. The least successful are Alex, whose components didn’t come together, and Amanda’s for being too oily.

The top are Tiffany, who integrated all the components and Kevin’s because the puree was clever and the dish was balanced.

And the winner is. . .Tiffany. Yay!! Her wedding just got $10,000 fancier.

Commercial!

Back! Elimination challenge! Padma tells them it’s a case of national security – they’ve been “recruited” as “special agents” for the CIA. Oh, vaffanculo, the spy puns fly too fast and too horrible in this segment for me to catch even half of them. Anyway, they’ll each be taking over a classic dish and giving it a “disguise” while keeping the flavors of the classic dish

They draw knives to see which classic dish they’ll be “disguising.” Amanda gets French Onion Soup; Ed pulls Chicken Cordon Bleu; Angelo gets Beef Wellington; Kelly draws Kung Paso Shrimp; Tiffany gets Gyros; Kevin’s dish will be Cobb Salad; and Alex takes Veal Parmesan.

They’ll be cooking and serving a group of CIA officers. . .and Director Leon Panetta. Who clearly has nothing more pressing to do with his time than guest on an episode of Top Chef. Oh no. I mean, his wife did ask him to stop at the Harris-Teeter and pick up milk, but that and Top Chef? That’s all that’s on his docket for the next few days.

Anyway, they’ll be serving at CIA headquarters, and the winner gets a trip to Paris. Ed tells us that his “girlfriend” has been bugging him for vacation, and Paris would be awesome. I still do not believe in the existence of Ed’s girlfriends, past, present, or Chinese.

Ok, this is only worth mentioning to because I live in DC, but during the “let’s go to Whole Foods” quick cuts, they have an extreme of one of our disgusting squirrels limping around DuPont Circle. Fucking beasts. You know that line about squirrels being rats with better outfits? I would take a rat over a DC squirrel any day of the week. I’ve never been rushed by a pack of rats who wanted to steal my cranberry-orange muffin. Squirrels in this town will fucking attack you, though. l see maybe six rats a year and I go “meh” every time. I see a million squirrels a day, yet when one gets within twelve feet of me I scream “vile furry minion of the devil!” and then I fling any baked goods I have on hand at it in self defense. “Take the bagel; spare my life!”

Shopping! They have 30 minutes and $200. Alex talks about how he’s only been a chef for 6 years, and was a videographer before that. He thinks being a relatively new chef is an advantage because he’s more open minded than the others. Kelly frets about how she’s never cooked Chinese food, so she’s finding “prepared Kung Pao something” and reading the ingredients. Angelo is redoing Beef Wellington as a pizza. He’s using prepared puff pastry, which Ed views as “asking to be eliminated from this competition.” He says it’d be nice to have Angelo gone since he’s a threat.

2.5 hours to cook. Tiffany is excited about the CIA challenge, because she loves spy stuff, like La Femme Nikita (the TV show, not the way more awesome movie). She says her spy name is Brigitte, and she’s deconstructing a gyro.

Amanda has always wanted to be a spy so she could say her name was “Natasha” and carry a .22 in her garter. Kelly thinks Amanda’s plan of disguising soup as soup is too obvious. Eh, I’ve been told the best cover is one that’s not too far from reality, so if you want to force the tortured spy analogy, disguising soup as soup is not the worst thing you could do. If you want to win the challenge, though, not the best idea.

Kelly is disguising Kung Pao shrimp as a soup, but she doesn’t know what it’s supposed to taste like. Alex tries to give her advice, which she refuses to take because she thinks he doesn’t even understand his own cuisine. Amanda says she likes and respects Alex even though no one else does. Oh, Amanda. I like you, but that coke addiction really did a number on your brain, didn’t it? Anyway, Alex is making veal parmesan stuffed in tortellini. It’s actually one of the better ideas we’ve heard, if he had the skillz to pull it off. Which – all signs point to no.

There’s more tsuris about Angelo’s puff pastry. Kevin reminds us that John – you remember John, right? He of the jizz possum hair and the first episode elimination? – anyway, John went home for using puff pastry, and Kevin thinks the same thing could happen to Angelo.

Angelo asks Ed what his spy name is. Ed replies “Muffin Winthrop.” So your spy name is the most recent breakfast pastry you ate, plus your favorite character from The Music Man? I’m going to be Croissant Zenobia, then. Alex’s is “Doctor Zhivago.” His favorite spy is Get Smart. Mine too, Alex.

Ed discusses how he’s making his chicken cordon bleu inside out – ham on the outside rather than on the inside. That . . .doesn’t sound like much of a disguise. It’s like when I wear my glasses instead of my contacts. It’s still me plus a device to help my vision – the fact that said device is on the outside instead of stuck in my eyes doesn’t fool anyone. Kevin is trying to “change the textures” on his Cobb salad, but he’s not sure he’s “giving it a new identity.” Time.

Commercial!

Back! The chefs enter CIA headquarters, and Kevin reflects on the amazing experience they’re having. Amanda says it’s obvious that they’re on restricted government property because of how thoroughly they got screened on the way in. “We’re really at the CIA!” she enthuses.

1.5 hours to cook. Ed says it’s “kinda strange thinking that we’re at the CIA” because they have to have each contestant emphasize at least once that they’re at the CIA. This is so the audience knows that they’re at the CIA; knows that the CIA gave Bravo the chance to film at the CIA. You filmed at the CIA yet, Heidi? No? What about you, Jeff Probst? Any Survivors been filmed at the CIA? No? Suck it, fools. We at the CIA!

(the real chuckle-point, though is that they're being so incredibly unsubtle about it. For an episode called "Covert Cuisine," you'd think they'd try and be a bit sneakier)

Kevin thinks Angelo’s upset by his performance in the quickfire. Kelly gets her rice in the rice cooker, and says she doesn’t have a lot of prep to do, but needs to execute everything perfectly. Amanda worries that she didn’t disguise her French Onion soup enough, telling us “Helen Keller would recognize what this dish is.”

Alex isn’t worried that he hasn’t made this dish before because he made himself a promise going in that he wouldn’t make anything he’d done before. That is a stupid, stupid promise, and you might think that his performance in the challenge to date might have caused him to reconsider it. But again, all signs point to know.

Kelly asks Tiffany if the rice cooker will shut off by itself when it’s done. Tiffany says yes.

Time passes. The rice cooker starts beeping, and she finds out that her rice is overcooked “completely unedible.”Add to my list of reasons to dislike Kelly: a) kind of a bitch; b) smokes like a chimney; c) terrible, terrible haircut; d) names restaurant after herself; e) likes thin soup; f) thinks the opposite of “edible” is “unedible.” (It’s not. It’s inedible. You’d think they would’ve covered that in culinary school). She puts her rice failure up to the elevation difference between cooking here and cooking in Colorado. She redoes some rice on the stove “the old school way.”

Let me just say: I know that Roger Ebert loves them, but I think rice cookers are kind of bullshit – and you know how I love my unnecessary kitchen machines. I only make rice “the old school way,” and as such, it makes me feel kind of smug seeing a schmancy chef who names her restaurant after herself freak out about it.

Twelve minutes forty seconds. The judges enter. RIPERT! RIPERT is back! It’s not that I don’t love Gail Simmons – I do – but she’s no Eric Ripert. Gail I just want to hang out with so we can gossip and eat a lot; Ripert I want to eat a lot. . off of his perfectly chiseled torso, while he describes each course to me in his amazing accent. "And on my lowair pec-to-rail, we 'ave zee poched lobstair."

Kelly is stressing. Tiffany helps her plate because “I don’t wanna win when something didn’t go right. I want to compete against you at your best.”

Time! Padma thanks Leon Panetta and the staff who’ve joined them. Angelo has no clue what’s going on in his head.

The first course they get is Angelo’s “Beef Wellington:” Tartlet Topped with Slivers of Beef. Leon Panetta calls it a poor disguise, saying “they would’ve captured this individual and hung him.”Oh, bless you, director, for making one of the few clever spy comments of the whole episode. He also thinks the dish is salty and the pastry is hard. Ripert says Angelo took “chortcoats” to make the dish easier.

Next they get Kelly’s “Kung Pao shrimp” redux – Spicy Shrimp Broth with Rice and Szechuan Shrimp Tempura. Wylie says he knows what it is, and teases Panetta "for once I know something you don't." Oh, Dufresne. Don't mock a man who can tap your phone with less effort than most of us tie our shoes. Anyway, a lot of people guess Pad Thai. Someone – Tom? -- says Kung Pao. Tom likes it and thinks the flavor is great. Wylie thinks turning the sauce into a broth was a nice spin, but there was too much of it. Some CIA guy was so distracted by how good the dish tasted that he couldn’t tell what it was.

Tiffany’s Gyro adaptation is next. She’s made it as Roasted Leg of Lamb with Smokey Eggplant, Tomato and Pickled Onions. Ripert says it’s good. Panetta guesses gyro; the deputy counsel of the CIA says he’d order it anywhere and Ripert calls it “ze most el-ai-gant gyro I ‘ave ever ate in my life.”

It’s followed by Kevin’s “Cobb Salad,” which the Bravo screen tag describes as Romaine Lettuce, Tomato, Bacon, Roquefort, Avocado, Cucumber and Turkey. Yup. That’s a Cobb Salad alright. No need for the quotation marks on that one. The director of human resources guesses Cobb Salad, but Panetta thought it was “something Mexican.” Tom says it was still a salad, so did it really change? But then he admits that he likes it, but he loves Cobb salad. He looks sheepish about this. Don’t be sheepish, Tom – I love Cobb Salad too. Let’s do lunch. I’ll pay, to make up for that time I spent the whole season mocking you about the “honor the protein” thing.

Panetta is talking to Padma about what they use the dining room for, and then someone hands him a note and gets called away. Everyone looks around the room shiftily. Padma asks teasingly “are you used to director Panetta having to dine and dash?” a woman curtly replies “it happens often,” and there are more shifty glances around the room.

Seriously, the best part of the episode is all the CIA people giving cold glares to Padma every time she opens her mouth.

Amanda interviews that Alex is talented, but has problems with execution. She also compares him to “the wise old Jewish uncle I never had” and says she doesn’t want to see her friends fail. Oh, Amanda. You should choose your friends more wisely, then.

The servers take out Amanda’s disguised “French Onion Soup”– Consomme with Oxtail Marmalade, Caramelized Onion and Shaved Gruyere. They peg it as French Onion soup quickly. Tom thinks the marmalade was a good idea, but too sweet, and the deputy counsel compares it to honey and lemon cough syrup.

Alex’s “Veal Parmesan” – Veal and Parmesan Cheese Tortellini with Tomato Sauce and Tempura Cheese -- is served, and everyone gnaws at the tough meat. Someone guesses it’s lasagna, but they eventually get Veal Parmesan. Tom calls it “tougher than pulling a post in Yemen,” but Wylie points out that it’s probably the best disguised dish. Ripert sagely says “I would ‘ave pre-fair less deese-guys an’ a bettair deesh.”

Ed talks about how today is the most organized he’s been in his head. The servers bring out his “Chicken Cordon Bleu,” which he has turned into a Roasted Chicken Breast, Ham and Cheese Croquette, and Spring Onion Soubise. Ripert thinks it’s obviously a cordon bleu. Tom likes the dish and Wylie thinks a lot of labor went into the dish, but Padma thinks he didn’t work hard enough to disguise it.

Back in the kitchen, Kelly tastes Amanda’s dish and says that it’s sweet, but it tastes good. Angelo doesn’t feel confident about anything at this time and would be traumatized if he went home.

Commercial!

Back! Fakeback! Back at the townhouse, people reflect on how it was cool to go to the CIA and meet Leon Panetta, and wonder if he knows who killed JFK. They think he also knows if there are aliens and where they live. Angelo teases that one lives in L.A., and points to Alex.

Kevin and Amanda are conspicuously absent from this scene. Is this a giveaway? (It’s not)

Really back! Padma calls in Tiffany, Kelly, and Ed.

Judges Table. Padma tells them that they had the three best dishes in that challenge.

Kelly explains how she was trying to think outside the box by turning it into soup. Ripert liked the broth and how the rice counteracted the spicyness.

Dufresne liked Tiffany’s dish, and how she disguised it by making a handheld food into a dish. Ripert really enjoyed it.

Ed explains his inside out cordon bleu. Ripert says all of his components were perfectly executed.

And the winner is. . .Tiffany! Yay! “I got a honeymoon!” she says. Ed knows his “girlfriend” will be upset, but he’s happy for Tiffany.

I think someone needs to explain to Ed that paying for the girlfriend experience doesn’t mean someone’s actually your girlfriend.

Tiffany calls back Alex, Amanda, and Angelo. Oh good, now we can get rid of one of the A names and I’ll have one less thing to complain about. Remember when there were three K names and three A names and three T names, and I was more horribly confused than ever?

Padma tells them they had the least successful dishes at the challenge.
Amanda was aware that her dish was inadequately disguised. Wylie would’ve liked to see more of a disguise because she didn’t seize the opportunities. Tom says that the lack of disguise aside, the marmalade was so sweet it threw off the dish.

Tom tells Angelo that his dish was a giveaway, and the pastry was dried out. Dufresne says the plating was sloppy, and Ripert says this was the challenge “where you ‘ad ze mos’ free-dahm to esspress your cre-ay-tee-vaty. And we ended up wees somesing zat was kind of sad.

Wylie says he was excited when the plate came because it wasn’t obvious, but “your disguise was poor execution.” Tom says “the meat was tough, the fried mozzarella …I’ve had better at a bad street fair, and I’ve had better frozen tortellini out of a box.”

Tom then asks if any of them are willing to say they’re seventh best? Amanda immediately says no. Tom asks “then why are you cooking like that? Cause one of you’s going home. One of you’s going to be seventh best.”

Stew room. Angelo reflects that he should go home. Kelly doesn’t feel bad for him.

Deliberation. Ripert thinks Alex put a lot of time into his dish compared to the other two. Wylie thinks he bit off too many unfamiliar things. He also says Amanda’s efforts didn’t meet any of the criteria “if you weren’t going to hide the dish, then you at least had to make a good dish. And I think she failed on both counts.” Ripert says “Angelo beef wellington weell make Julia Child vairy sad. I theenk ‘ee was totally lost or un-eenspired.”

Commercial!

Back! Tom tells them that in each case their cover was blown, and if there was any disguise “you disguised yourself as really poor cooks.”

Padma tells Alex to pack his knives and go. He interviews that there’s no margin of error. Amanda seems to be the only one who hugs him, even though they all do the courtesy clap. He says he has nothing against the other chefs and brings up all the reasons they were mad at him, and finishes “each person has to live with himself.”

Next time! Nationals Park! ‘Bout to get ugly boys and girls! Chill out, please! You’re the bad boy on this show! Rick Moonen! Raw fish at a baseball stadium, that takes some baseballs. And you’re going to see me get very, VERY bitter, for reasons that will become clear in seven days.