Top Chef Just Desserts: Whoa Whoa, I Gotta Go Back To School. . .Again

Resentment Cookies
Not a good bake sale item
Heather C. goes home

Good morning, armadillos. How are you? I’m feeling a little leisurely this morning – I have a dentist appointment at 10, so I’ve pushed my usual schedule back an hour. It’s nice. It’s like my own personal daylight savings time, except not criminally stupid as you know I believe daylight savings time to be.

Anyway. Last night’s episode of Just Desserts? The first one that rang a bit hollow for me. I will always forgive it for introducing me to Sylvia Weinstock, who is apparently some sort of Cake Wizard/Old Navy Lady doppelganger that I want to adopt as my own. She can sit in my La-Z-Boy recliner from the ‘50’s and cat sit while I’m at work all day, and then when I get home, she’ll tell me wry but gentle little anecdotes about what the cat did that day, and we’ll laugh and eat cake. It’ll be awesome.

But the whole Glee Club vs. Pep Squad thing just felt like a forced and embarrassing way to try and capitalize off of the popularity of Glee. And since Glee itself was forced and embarrassing this week (let's all have nitrous induced hallucinations about Britney Spears instead of a plot!). . .well, it’s poor timing at best.

And I can’t make myself care too much that Heather C. is gone. I wanted to root for her because she’s a) a local girl, and b) the first chef to appear on Top Chef whose food I’ve eaten prior to seeing them on the show. But she never came across as having much personality. Plus, she had that mystery bandage lurking just below her bangs for the first three episodes. Plus, I keep remembering that insufficiently Nutella-y Nutella ice cream I had at Hook. Making something insufficiently Nutella-y is a capital offense in my book.

But I hate the way she went out. I hate when people go out for things they didn’t want to do in the first place, and got pressed into doing by their teammates.

Let’s do this, ‘kay?

Morning! Los Angeles. Top Chef Just Desserts Loft. Crazy Eyes Morgan is styling his hair with just water, because that’s how straight guys style their hair, and Seth is doing old school calisthenics like my grandpa and vowing to win all the challenges. Eric and Zac lament the loss of Tim, but Eric is also celebrating how well he did. This almost tricks me into thinking he’s doomed.

Quickfire! Gail and a tiny, tiny old woman greet them. It’s Sylvia Weinstock, who is apparently some sort of wedding cake genius. She’s adorable, so whatever. She tells them it’s a pleasure to be with them today, and talks about starting off in the cake business by making the cake for 3 of Henry VIII’s weddings.

Get it? Because she’s old.

Anyway, their quickfire challenge is to make a wedding cake. . .something that normally takes days or weeks. They’ll have an hour and a half. Zac wonders if Gail’s been snorting buttercream because “that’s not rational.”

They’ll be provided with the base sheetcake, but it’s up to them to fill it and decorate it. Eric is jazzed. The winner gets immunity.

Wedding Cake Flurry! One and a half hours to make the fillings and frosting and stuff and decorate. “Just another day at the office,” Zac quips. Heather C. has been thinking a lot about wedding cakes lately, because she just got engaged. Various people weigh in on the merits of fondant (blech) and buttercream (blech).

(yeah, I don’t like fondant, and buttercream is my least favorite form of frosting. If I ever get married, I will be a perfectly rational bride to almost everyone involved, but a total nightmare for the baker)

Seth says he knows he can’t make a wedding cake, so he’s just going to make “something delicious” – he’s cutting a wedding cake into a tiny plate sized portion and calling it an engagement cake. Erika, on the other hand, has been decorating wedding cakes since she was twelve. She tells her mixer/batter “I love you, I love you, I love you.” Heather H. made her own wedding cake.

40 minutes! Zac talks about the need for wedding cakes to be structurally sound. Crazy eyes Morgan cleans his work station. Eric hasn’t made enough buttercream for his gigantic cake, but realizes everyone else is in the same boat. Malika’s cake is not working – the frosting keeps softening so she’s taking it in and out of the blast freezer.

Gail enters and gives them a five minute warning. Commercial!

Back! 4:38! Everyone says things like ‘crazy” and “insane.” Eric wins the overstating the obvious award by pointing out that time is the biggest issue. Malika’s second layer is completely off center, so she pulls it off and the cake comes apart at the middle. This is where crazy eyes Morgan yells at her “hey, shaky! I see you shakin’ the shit out of this table.” Good for Malika, she has balls and calls him out for being a dick, telling him to call her by her name.


Time! Heather H. looks around the room and sees a lot of hideous wedding cakes –Eric’s is “grocery store style,” Danielle’s is green, and Erika’s is more homey than professional. Malika cries about having her second quickfire disaster.

Gail and the world’s cutest little old lady begin tasting with Heather C., who has made a White Cake with Vanilla Simple Syrup & Nutella Buttercream. Gail asks her who’s doing her wedding cake, and Heather jokes “it might be me, but I’m being advised against that.” Sylvia Weinstock nods sagely. “Go get your nails done, it’s your day off,” she tells Heather. I don’t know if that’s a veiled critique or just really good advice. . .


. . .but anyway, they move on to Eric, who has made a Pistachio Buttercream & Apricot Brandy Filling. Zac’s is a Toasted Meringue, Fruit of the Forest Jam with Dark Chocolate Ganache that looks kind of “Night on Bald Mountain” in a way—it’s neat looking, but it doesn’t say “wedding” to me.

Malika is waiting, and her cake starts falling apart on the table. She feels like she’s “not loving cooking” on the show.

Sylvia Weinstock and Gail move to Erika’s Mocha Explosion with Kahlúa Buttercream, followed by Danielle’s Cream Cheese Lemon Filling with Strawberries & Pistachios.

Seth explains his Engagement Cake: Caramel Chocolate Mousse with Orange, Marsala, Absinthe & Honey. I hope he gets dinged for not following instructions. Gail asks him why he didn’t even try. He says he knew he was going to be in the bottom 3, so he figured he’d have fun with it. “It was a wedding competition. You shoulda made an effort,” Sylvia scolds him. Ok, we officially love her. I want her to be the judge every week – she can replace Daily Candy Girl, since I’m still not clear on her qualifications.

OR: Better still – a spin off where she and Gael Greene’s Hat go on a road trip together in a classic car, eating great food and having zany adventures. It’s like Thelma & Louise, only with better accessories and a senior citizen’s discount.

Next up is Yigit’s Passion Fruit, Vanilla & Lime Soaked Cake with a Vanilla Orange Diplomat Cream. Sylvia says it’s “nice and light.” They move on to Heather H.’s Lemon & Orange Zest Buttercream, which Sylvia says is “summery.” Morgan makes an Italian Cream Cake with Coconut, Rum Syrup & Toasted Pecans (the Bravo interns inexplicably have it as Italian Ice Cream Cake, which it’s clearly not) which he says is a favorite “down in the South.”

And then there’s Malika, who cries as they look at her cake which has fallen all over the place. She apologizes for not being able to complete her Coconut Custard Infused with Cardamom and Vanilla. Sylvia comfortingly tells us that she’ll learn from this, which is always positive.

Sylvia’s least favorite cakes were Seth’s non-cake. “When something challenges you, don’t back off,” she warns him. Malika’s was quite delicious but didn’t work out. Sylvia tells her not to take it so seriously -- “It’s not death. It’s only a cake.” She also didn’t like Eric’s cake.

The top 3 were Erika’s which had nice detail work; Morgan’s which was clean and fresh; and Heather H’s which was “feminine and elegant.” But the winner is. . .Erika! Yay! Heather H. and Crazy Eyes Morgan look sour. Heather H. snipes that “aesthetically” Eirka’s is not the kind of cake she’d go for.


Elimination challenge! They’re divided into teams by drawing “cookies” from the cookie jar. The teams are “Glee” (Danielle, Seth, Zac, Yigit, and Heather C) and “Pep” (Eric, Erika, Crazy Eyes Morgan, Heather H., and Malika). Danielle is worried about the Glee team, since everyone on their team had an altercation with Seth last challenge. Commercial.

Back! Gail says they’ve invited special guests to help explain the elimination challenge. So some not terribly talented Glee club kids come in singing a tone-deaf a capella song about Top Chef. I thought nothing could make me the words “Glee Club” more than this week’s weaksauce episode of Glee, but this just about does it.

Then the pep squad comes in and does a cheer about Top Chef. The Pep Squad has the scariest mascot ever – he’s like a low budge version of Steely McBeam, but wearing Richard Gere’s costume from An Officer and a Gentleman. I may have nightmares about him.

Gail tells them that both groups are from Santa Monica High School, and that the “Mariners” (pep squad) are hoping to go to cheer camp this summer, while the “Rainbow Riders” (Glee Club) have an opportunity to perform in NYC.

Of course the Glee Club is called the Rainbow Riders. Of course. Because they don’t torment Glee kids enough about being “gay” to begin with, you have to go and saddle them with a name like Rainbow Riders just to seal the deal.

Their challenge is that they’ll be having a bake sale to raise money for their squads. Heather H. is excited because she was a geek in High School, and went to band camp. They’ll have 3 hours to bake today, and 30 minutes to prep. They’ll each be responsible for one baked item; the teams will sell 490 tickets at $1 a piece, and the winning team is the one that makes the most money. The winning team will also receive $5000.

3 hours! Time to prep. Team Glee plans to be accessible enough for the bake sale, but refined enough for the judges. Zac talks about how their team is perfect for Glee, because they’re a bunch of misfits – in his estimation, Seth is the jock, he’s the theatre geek, Yigit is the “artsy kid,” Danielle is the “Valley Girl,” and Heather C. is the girl who “just got broken up with, like over and over and over again.” That sounds more like a weird Breakfast Club remake than a Glee Club, but whatever.

Over on the Pep Squad team, they’re planning to “stay back from our very pastry chef ideas,” and focus on the bake sale. Malika is trying to boost her own confidence.

Glee plans out their menu: Seth wants to do financier cakes, which he tells us were developed in the financial district in Paris so that business men could eat them on the go and not get crumbs on their suits. Here’s an idea, genius – make it, call it an individual cake or a single serving cake, and you don’t look like a pretentious asshole who thinks he’s above the bake sale challenge.

Anyway, Zac plans strawberry shortcake; Yigit’s doing chocolate cream with marshmallow bits. Heather C. wants to do whoopee pies, but Daniele pressures her to do a cookie since Yigit is already doing a marshmallow item. I hate this. I hate when this happens. This is not a multicourse dinner – it is not going to matter if they have two chocolate/marshmallow items. There is not this need for menu synergy. And it just reminds me of the concession stand episode of Top Chef DC, and I don’t want anything to remind me of Top Chef DC, ever. Anyway, Heather gets pushed into doing a peanut butter cookie, and says she’s a team player because she was an athlete in high school.

They get down to business. Erika talks about how she used to sell cookies to her teachers in school, and is doing a family recipe for a chocolate chip walnut cookie.

Eric is fretting that Heather C. has taken all the peanut butter. Eric tells her not to feel badly, but Crazy Eyes Morgan responds by saying “it’s fuckin’ sabotage time? Well, I can do that,” and steals all the butter. This seems to be not so much effective sabotage, since the Glee team got their ingredients settled at their stations prior to starting.

Then they talk about peanut butter for another 40 minutes. No joke – peanut butter is such a central figure in this episode that I start typing it as Peanut Butter, as though it’s a proper noun. Heather C. takes the leftover Peanut Butter to Eric. Morgan still won’t let them have butter (not that any of them ask). There’s not enough Peanut Butter for Eric, so he decides to do half Peanut Butter, half Nutella.

Seth talks to himself or the camera or someone about how there’s not time to brown butter for his financiers. He feels misunderstood by his teammates, and blah blah blah. He then puts coffee extract into his financiers instead of vanilla. Danielle points out that most kids won’t know what a financier is anyway.


Iuzzini thru! Eric tells Johnny about the Peanut Butter smackdown, and about the Nutella substitution. Iuzzini likes this idea (so do I – I’m totally going to make those at some point), but thinks Zac’s shortcakes are “a little ambitious for a bake sale.” He tells Malika to keep her focus. Malika talks about how tough her year’s been with her restaurant closing and her impending divorce and all.

5 minutes! Heather C. worries that her cookies are too simple. Time! Yigit thinks that having more elevated items will work to their team’s advantage.

Desserts Loft! Malika is thinking about what cooking means to her and what it means to her in this competition. She tells Erika and Heather H. that she’s thinking of leaving. Seth tells Crazy Eyes Morgan that he can put together flavors in his head that no one could think of. Crazy eyes Morgan tells us that he likes Seth, but thinks Seth is in a tough place in his life right now.

Next Day! Set up time! 30 minutes. There’s not a lot to say about this – they go through the procedure of how the patrons buy tickets and then turn them in in exchange for desserts that can either be boxed or eaten. There’s a lot of footage of them setting up in the school’s auditorium or cafeteria or whatever. My elementary school had a “Cafetorium.” I transferred there out of Montessori school in third grade, and immediately got freaked out by public school and its obviously low standards and weird made up words. Time. Commercial!


Back! The Cafetorium or wherever it is that they’re serving is flooded with children. We see a lot of footage of children eating. Malika talks about it being another day and how she’s in a positive mindset. There’s a lot of annoying cheering, and then the Rainbow Riders come in singing their atonal Top Chef song again.

I just want to beat all of these kids. I'm sorry, but I do. Seth apparently feels the same way, because the mere presence of children turns him into a cuss bomb.

The judges enter. I slightly love Daily Candy Girl’s dress, but not as much as I love Sylvia Weinstock.

They eat the gold team’s first: Erika’s Chocolate Chip Walnut Cookie; Eric’s Peanut Butter Krispy Bar; Morgan’s Vanilla Bean & Milk Chocolate Cupcake, which has already sold out; Malika’s Toffee Fudge Brownie; and Heather H’s Butter Cookie with Chocolate & Dulce de Leche Cream.

The judges love Erika’s cookie. Gail thinks the krispie treats have nice texture and lightness. They seem happy with Malika’s brownie.

Now time for the Green Team: Zac’s Strawberry Shortcake with Rainbow Sugar; Heather C’s Peanut Butter Cookie; Yigit’s Chocolate Caramel Pudding with Ginger, Hazelnut Crumble & Marshmallows; Daniele’s Coconut Cupcake with Salted Caramel Buttercream; and Seth’s Mocha Financier with Orange Creamcicle Sauce.


The judges find Zac’s shortcake a little dense. Yigit’s pudding is “super gingery” according to Daily Candy Girl. Seth didn’t give us a bake sale item – it’s “not a kids' dessert” according to Sylvia Weinstock. She also likes the icing on Daniele’s cupcake, but thinks the cake is dry. Heather H.’s peanut butter cookies are “maybe too simple” according to Daily Candy Girl.

Gail heads to the front of the cafetorium to announce that the results are in, and it’s very close – only $10 separates the teams. Glee Club raised $240, which if you can do math, means you know that Pep raised $250.

It’s been awhile since I went to High School, but I don’t think that’s the kind of change that gets you to cheer camp. Or New York. I’m pretty sure my 1993 High School Choir tour from Arizona to San Diego, by bus, cost more than that – and that was just for me, not the whole choir.

Anyway. Psyched to have earned enough to buy them one lunch off the dollar menu at McDonalds as they hitchhike to cheer camp, the Pep Squad, inevitably, does another cheer.

Gail announces that because this was a total set up by the reality show to exploit their young dreams, they’re adding another 0 to both amounts (still doesn’t seem like enough for the whole team. . .) and they’ll be donating $5000 to Santa Monica High School. Commercial.

Fakeback! Crazy Eyes Morgan does splits and the she-chefs talk about how all the high school girls love him. This is because they’re too young to have learned to recognize the signs of crazed abusive stalkeriness yet.

Really back. Stew --oops, I mean Pudding room. Seth talks about how much he hates the room.


In the Judges’ table room, we see the Gold/Pep team. Gail says there are three contenders for winner – Eric’s which, according to Iuzzini is a mature take on the rice krispie treat. Malika’s brownie – which she credits Eric with the recipe for, but elevated by adding the toffee – is another favorite. And Sylvia wants the recipe for Erika’s cookie.

Sylvia wants to pick all five of them for the winner, but the winner is. . .Eric! Yay! I like him. He doesn’t quite believe it happened, and wants to prove that what he does as a baker is valid.


After celebrating Eric’s win, the Green/Glee team heads into judges’ table. Gail reminds them that they were the losing team.

Danielle says that working as a team “went better than expected,” and that four of them worked together and Seth made a non-bake sale dessert and didn’t interact with the kids. Zac takes the flip side and says he thanks Seth for doing the prep work on their desserts . Yigit takes the center path, saying that “what happened today and what happened yesterday are two different things.”

Heather C. brings up the fact that she felt forced into making her boring cookie. Everyone then piles on about how supportive they’ve been of her (except for that time they made her make a boring cookie).

The judges cut this snipe fest off and get down to judging in earnest, beginning with Seth. Johnny Iuzzini tells him to get it out of his mind that it’s his role to educate people – his financier was perfect, but wrong for a bake sale. Sylvia Weinstock says Heather’s cookie was good but ordinary. Johnny Iuzzini found Danielle’s cake dry.

Sylvia thought Zac’s dessert was delicious, but not easy to eat. Iuzzini says his biscuits were not tender. Gail tells Yigit that his pudding was too gingery. Iuzzini points out that his dessert sold the least of anyone on the team.
Stew room. Yigit calls Heather C. “selfish” for defending herself.

Deliberation. Yigit may’ve wanted to teach kids about ginger, but he went overboard. Zac’s biscuits weren’t tender. Daily Candy Girl gets in her slurry line about Heather – “You could TASTE the resentment …in her COOKIE.” It still sounds sexual to me. Seth’s financier was out of place at the bake sale, but Iuzzini gives him credit for always stretching.

Danielle needs to work on the formula for her cupcake. But more interestingly, in the stew room, Danielle calls Seth a piece of shit and yells at him for the way he treats everyone in the competition. And then there’s more yelling and he says his food was delicious and her shit sucked and blah blah blah commercial.

Back! Yigit’s pudding was “way too aggressive for kids.” Zac’s was “not appropriate for a bake sale,” and his biscuit was off. Danielle’s cake was dry. Heather’s cookie was “ordinary and not inspired.” And Seth cooked for himself, not his clientele.

Gail tells. . . .Heather that her dessert didn’t measure up, and she should pack her tools and go. She says she should’ve stayed true to herself and done what she wanted to do. She doesn’t think it’s fair that she’s going home.


Next time! Flaming! Oh Jesus! I don’t care if I alienate everyone around me! It’s really scary! Weak Sauce! Lord Jesus Almighty. I don’t think he has the maturity level to handle the amount of pressure.. .

Project Runway: They Finish 2 Looks in 2 Days; it takes me 3 to write the recap

Au revoir, Ivy
Your crappy ocean waves dress
Future not so “bright.”

I know, I know, I know. I am late late late late late, and I didn’t even bother to warn you this time, and you’re never going to forgive me, and you hope I die a horrible fire-y death and . .

Let me take a minute to explain.

First, on Thursday, instead of watching Project Runway with my usual hilarious group, I went to the 40th birthday party of a member of that hilarious group. And I was led to believe that there would at least be passed apps or something, so I didn’t eat much before going, and I thought I’d be able to eat there and get home by 10 and knock out a recap and you all would be none the wiser.

But there were no passed apps. There were pretzel sticks, and peanut M&Ms, and a great deal of Kendall Jackson Chardonnay. So by the time I got home (at 10:30) I was . . .not in a position to do any typing.

Friday I went to a work happy hour, and then I got home and meant to watch Project Runway, but it seemed nicer to watch all of the sitcoms I’d DVRed throughout the week, especially Modern Family and Community and 30 Rock.

Saturday I got a cat. Between that and going to the 40th birthday party on Thursday, this is probably the most spinsterish post I’ve ever written – and that is SAYING something. I will gladly show you pictures of said cat at some point, once cat emerges from under my bed while I’m in the house (right now Cat is coming out only to eat while I’m gone, and I only know this because food is absent from the various food stations I have posted throughout the apartment when I get home. I am very worried about the whole poop situation).

So with all this, I’ve been a bit wrapped up. And as a result, as I was saying to Tim Gunn a moment ago when a friend of mine “outed” me as blogging about the show and Tim Gunn asked if I was listed through Blogging Project Runway, I am running very, very late this week.

Tim Gunn said he was running late this week too, though, so I don’t feel too bad about that.

(God, my hair looks tragic in that picture, but I hope you can tell that we both find each other thoroughly charming, amusing, and well dressed)

I also told him that he shouldn’t read it anyway, because I come across as a horribly negative person, and that the only people I consistently liked were him and Swatch.

(And yes, I just did a fly through of a Tim Gunn centric event and then rolled out before I had a claustrophobic panic attack in the tiny club we were in. Again, most spinsterish entry ever).

Morning! New York! Atlas apartments. Gretchen makes weird cat noises as she wakes up, and reflects on how well liked Michael D. was. Mondo and Christopher aren’t thrilled by having to move in with Michael C. and Andy. Ivy talks about how Valerie is broken now, and Valerie talks about how Ivy is her best friend in the group. I know I love it when my best friend says I’m broken.

Andy is glad to have Christopher and Mondo moving in, because it’s just been him and Michael C. in the apartment for awhile, and he’s glad to have roommates he can “trust” again. He puts so much weight into the word “trust” that I stagger around under its load, wondering what in hell it means. We’ve been told several times this season that the other designers don’t LIKE Michael C, but now they don’t TRUST him? What does this mean???

Runway. Heidi emerges from the stasis chamber where she lives on Botox and Wheatabix between episodes to chirp her usual “hallo,” at them. Even this seems a more subdued “hallo” than usual. Something is amiss in Project Runwayworld (which is a border country to Electric Ladyland). Anyway, she says that she’s going to let Tim fill them in on all the details of the next challenge, but she’ll give them a little hint “if you win the next challenge, you’ll be taking home a big chunk of change.”

Ugh, she becomes less useful with each week that passes.

The designers head for the workroom hoping to find someone who can provide them with actual information about what they’re supposed to do instead of fortune cookie fortunes. As luck would have it, they are greeted by Tim Gunn and Ubiquitous Chief L’Oreal Dude Collier Strong (shoot – I was kind of hoping handlebar moustache man was taking his place). Tim tells them that they’ll be designing a high fashion look for a L’Oreal Paris Advertorial – “ a serious WOW moment.”

Michael C. talks about how huge this is. Mondo likes this challenge because it gives him room to be over the top. The Advertorial will appear, of course, in Marie Claire magazine, and the winner will receive something unprecedented. . .

TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS.

(and this is where I very much want the cat to come out from under the bed, because I would like to photoshop a picture of Dr. Evil and Mr. Bigglesworth so that their heads were Tim Gunn’s and my new cats. And also because that way I would KNOW WHAT THE POOP SITUATION WAS).

Anyway, the designers are understandably thrilled about the prospect of winning that much money for the same amount of work that they normally do for nothing more than a few words of praise from Nina and Heidi. Mondo has never made more than $12,000 a year.

Collier Strong says some things about eye color duos, because they’ll be using one of the eye shadow finishes as their inspiration. Mondo gets to choose first and he takes bright. Christopher goes with Crystal. April goes with Matte. Michael C. takes metallic. Ivy takes bright so she can show the judges she can use color. Valerie takes crystal. And Gretchen takes “a serious risk” and goes with velvet. Andy takes metallic.

They have 30 minutes to stretch and $300 at Mood. And they’ll have two days for the challenge. This is the most exciting part of it all for Valerie.

Sketching. Gretchen thinks what the judges are looking for now is “can we be true designers?” Gretchen lives her life in t-shirt slogans. Mondo’s dress is based on a kaleidoscope. Ivy is making a blue gown.

Mood! Swatch! Swatch gives them all a stern lecture about being strategic before they head out for fabric flurry. Valerie is looking for “flowy and defined fabrics.” Mondo looks for fabrics he’s attracted to. Tim and Swatch frolic in the aisles.

No, I am not making this up. This is not one of those times when I have to make up long conversations between Tim and Swatch about how lame all of the designers are, and then Tim and Swatch sing a duet of “There’s a Place for Us” with all of the lyrics changed to be about fashion.
Tim and Swatch actually frolic in the aisles of Mood. BEST EPISODE EVER. Thank you Mood! Bye, Swatch!

Workroom. Andy mumbles something to Gretchen about a modern but futuristic type of warrior girl. April wants to work fast even though it’s a two day challenge because “you never know.”(FORESHADOWING!!)

Valerie regrets having chosen silk. Ivy thinks she’s a very good designer, and plans to do a lot of hand pleating. Gretchen apparently owns the colors that Michael C. is using, and bitches about Michael C. also using it. She’s insulted that “boundaries were crossed.” Oh god, this is so dumb it makes high school look like . . .the U.N. or something. Whatever the diplomatic opposite of high school is.

Commercial.

Back. Gretchen continues bitching about how Michael C “replicates” and doesn’t have a point of view. April sensibly points out that their palettes might be similar, but their pieces would be “worlds apart.”

Then they have a makeup consultation with Collier Strong. There’s a lot of product placement and some weird makeup effects since this is their chance to do over the top things.

Workroom! Tim thru! He checks with Valerie, who is doing some sort of shoulder and bias effect and hand sewing crystals. Christopher says it doesn’t look avant garde, but Tim says it’s “incredibly ambitious.” He tells Mondo to “go big,” and says he believes in April. Andy says a fighter in him has been awakened by the last challenge. Tim asks if he’s taking it far enough. Gretchen was thinking “kimono or caftany” but Tim says it’s looking “very much like a robe.” Ivy’s is too literal and in danger of becoming a “pageant gown.”

Gretchen tells Mondo that Tim told her that this challenge would “solidify some peoples’ futures,” and that she believes in her heart that the two of them are supposed to be at fashion week. Gross.

Model fittings! Valerie hasn’t sewn a piece yet. Michael C. has a mostly finished gown for his fitting. Andy is fitting his model’s head for a skullcap so he can do his head piece. Mondo runs into problems with his model’s total lack of boobage, and he has to take the bodice in so much it “looks like crap.”

An hour to end of day. Mondo has to start his bodice over. Commercial!

Back! Atlas Apartments! Day 2! April only got 5 hours of sleep. Valerie says they’re “creatively, physically, emotionally spent.” Mondo is way behind and freaking out.

Workroom! Mondo rips some fabric. Gretchen has three more pieces of skirting to finish up. April says two days makes her feel like she has time to execute.

Tim enters, and tells them he’s loathe to present what he’s about to present. . .but sincerely believes it will help each of them. Since so few people can sustain a brand based on high fashion looks, they must also create a ready-to-wear companions to their looks. They have $15 minutes to sketch and $100 at Mood. They have until midnight that night and the usual amount of time in the morning to finish both looks.

Gretchen stands there with her mouth open like a hooked bass.

Sketching! April feels like she’s in a good place compared to the other designers who have a ton left to do. Mondo doesn’t know if he has a game plan. Andy is adapting his RTW look from the patterns he’s already drafted. Ivy hopes her speed sewing will help her.

Mood!!! Everyone goes racing through the aisles. Mondo wants stretch fabric. Ivy is buying the same fabric she bought yesterday. Valerie is overwhelmed and moving like a snail. She tells Swatch he’s living the good life since he doesn’t have to make any dresses today. Swatch chews thoughtfully on a toy. I’m pretty sure he agrees with her.

The designers talk about what they would do with the $20,000. April would put part to her student loans and buy a miniature pony. Gretchen wants to pay off some credit card companies. Mondo needs some drinkin’ money. I like his and April’s plans best.

Tim thru 2! Valerie doesn’t feel confident. She doesn’t want to be called out for something she’s not wild about. He tells her that even though she has a vision and doesn’t want to compromise it, she doesn’t have the time. She heads to the ladies’ room to cry. Ivy and Gretchen follow her, because there’s nothing more reassuring than having two witchypoos and their mic packs follow you when you’re trying to have a cry in the john. Commercial.

Back! We’re still in the ladies’ room. Ivy tells Valerie she’s just exhausted, but she’s glad the two witchypoos came to talk about it. Ivy bitches in an interview about how much Valerie complains. Valerie decides it’s time to stop talking and focus.

They wonder who will wear their second look. And in come some of the previous eliminated models to wear their second looks. Ivy’s model is larger than the measurements she got.

End of second day. Ivy is worried because she hasn’t finished her couture look.
Day of Runway show! Atlas apartments! The girls are nervous. Ivy feels like she bit off more than she can chew. Valerie thinks putting the crystals on will take awhile, but she’s over feeling sad about it. The boys grouse about how Valerie had a breakdown and her work is the same every week.

Workroom! Mondo is “going to have to time management myself like crazy.” Andy is worried about having time to do the jacket and headpiece.

Tim arrives and sends in their models for the usual blah blah L’Oreal blah blah Garnier blah blah Piperlime and so on.

Michael C. thinks Gretchen’s “velvet dress with beige feathers” is “dated old and dreadful.” Gretchen thinks Michael C.’s train is “trouble.”

The models go to the handlebar moustache man’s makeup studio and the hair salon. Gretchen is wearing a hideous turquoise cuff.

Workroom! Ten minutes to runway! Ivy is freaking out. Mondo hopes that he did his best work since he was under stress. Tim herds them down to the runway. Ivy thinks her construction is a disaster and hopes she gets by. Valerie chirps something about shoes and Tim tells her to just go. Commercial.

Back! Heidi hallos them again, reminds them that the winner will receive $20,000 and be featured in an advertorial. The judges are Kors (hey guys) Nina (hi everyone) and Naeem Khan (hello guys).


Let’s start the show!

April’s high fashion look is kind of like an equestrienne stripper, but hot. The RTW is a little black dress with a little black ruffle jacket. Mondo’s high fashion look is a black gown with a mad Harlequin explosion of colors built out from all angles. The RTW is this very chic little lack dress with a black and white panel down the front.


Ivy’s high fashion look is a slobberific ice blue mess. Her RTW is a sad little blue cocktail dress. Michael C’s high fashion look is a fairly standard bordeaux coloured gown with a train. His RTW is a cocktail with a peplum in the same fabric. . .with this season’s must use accessory, the ass zipper.

Christopher’s dress.. .ugh, I hate it. There’s illusion fabric involved, that’s al you need to know. His RTW is a white cocktail with a rose stripe down the center. Gretchen has made a velvet bathrobe which she calls “the best work I’ve ever done.” Her RTW, though, is kind of cute, though it does tend toward the ‘70’s drapey-ness I hate about her work.

Valerie’s dress is a white thing with a silver sprout coming out the shoulder. Her RTW is a black halter dress. She’s just glad to have finished. And we close with Andy, who’s couture look is INSANE, but fierce – pants and a very armorial looking jacket. I could do without the head thing. His RTW is a completely boring black dress with some shimmery panels down the sides.


Heidi tells Christopher and April that they’re safe. The rest are all either in the top or the bottom. Commercial.

Back! Let’s find out who was highest and who was lowest: Ivy, Valerie, and Michael were in the bottom. The judges are going to talk to the winners first. The losers head back to the green room. April is surprised that Gretchen is in the top. Valerie thinks they’ll like her RTW more than her high fashion look.

So we start with Gretchen. Kors thinks her high fashion dress is very wearable. Heidi loves the back, and would like to see more beading and detail in the front. Khan also wants more emphasis in the front. Kors thinks the hair makes it feel costumey. See, I thought it was all the feathers and shit that did that.

Andy explains his “metallic” looks. Khan likes the way he’s kept to his vision through both looks, and loves the cocktail dress. Kors thinks the translation works brilliantly, and loves the “boot-pants” on the high fashion look.

Mondo explains his kaleidoscope idea, and how the day look was the absolute opposite. Heidi loves the hat. So does Khan, and he thinks Mondo was bold to use all the stripes. Kors thinks the gown is too short in the front, but thinks the back is “dreamy” and very glamorous. Khan thinks the cocktail dress is simple, wearable, and beautiful.

They head back to the greenroom and send back the horrible people. Let’s talk about their horribleness. Ivy explains that her look was inspired by the beaches in Hawaii. Kors thinks they look like “bridesmaids under the sea” and points out that all three of the bottom have a “bridesmaid pageant problem.” Nina has problems with the fit on both dresses. Khan says the look is overkill in every way. Heidi thought the back was better than the front, and tells us she didn’t hate it as much as the others. To this, Khan says “hm” with a curious air to it, perhaps realizing that this person is capable of embracing levels of tacky he had not previously known were possible.


Moving to Valerie, she talks about her inspiration being Audrey Hepburn in both Breakfast at Tiffany’s and My Fair Lady? Khan says she was unimaginative and tried to force the fabric. Nina thinks the high fashion dress looks like “Miss Guatemala.” “That’s where my family’s from, actually,” Valerie explains. Kors finds the shoulder hoop whacky, and says she needs a wand to go with it. And then he makes some lame comments about how lame the RTW dress is.

Michael explains the use of shapes in both dresses, and how he wanted them to be “simple and easy and not too over the top.” He reminds them that he’s never been in the bottom before. Khan says he worked with the fabric well. Heidi – HEIDI – of all people, tells him he needs to choose “boobs or legs.”

Let’s review what Frau Seal wore to the Emmys recently, shall we.

And then Michael Kors says his usual stuff about blah blah costume challenge blah blah curtains from Tara blah blahh blah.

Deliberation. They love that Andy did pants, and Kors thought his day dress was chic. Mondo embraces color and makes it work. Kors thinks the RTW would be commercially successful because it makes you look skinnier. And then they talk about how much they like Gretchen’s negligee.

On the reverse end, the others were all old fashioned. Michael kept going too far until it looked like the model was dragging the bolt of fabric behind her. Valerie’s high end dress is unsalvageable and her styling is horrific, and the black dress, according to Kors, is like a Xanax. And Ivy’s was tragic. Khan hates the asymmetrical lines on the bustier. Kors thinks Ivy consistently bites off more than she can chew. Commercial.

Back! Mondo. . .is the winner again, and gets $20,000 from L’Oreal, which is nice because before the competition, he had $14 in his bank account. So now he has $20,014. Christopher and April hug him. “Will you buy me a little pony?” April asks.


Andy is in. Gretchen is in. Michael is in.

So it’s down to Ivy and Valerie. Valerie didn’t have a clear concept and made “unfortunate” choices. Ivy’s dresses disappointed them.

Ivy. . .is out. Valerie opens and shuts her mouth a few times like she doesn’t know what to say. But she’s in, nonetheless.

She goes back to the green room, feeling stunned – she was prepared to leave and felt like it should’ve been her. But it’s not.

Ivy cries about how she’s going to really miss designing. It’s like she thinks they’re going to force her to quit forever. Valerie cries that she wishes she could go home for her. Well. . .she could, if she went back out and told them she was dropping out, but she doesn’t do that. Oh well. On her way out, she tells Valerie to stay strong and stop complaining so much.

And then we get to see Mondo’s Advertorial shoot with Collier Strong. “it’s good to dream and work hard, because it does pay off,” he tells us. Especially on a reality show, where things literally pay off with $20,000 prizes.

Next! We’re bringing back the HP challenge from last season. Fabric design. Mondo’s print is very Mondo! Stories behind things! And then the DVR stopped.

Top Chef Just Desserts: Candy is Dandy but Liquor is Quicker

Snow Queen, Big Mamma.
Two nicknames/two episodes
Perhaps too many?

(If you're looking for the Top Chef DC Reunion recap, you need to rethink your priorities. But it's here)

So already we have an ouster I’m sad about. I liked Tim, with his bright blue eyes and his tendency to “mother” the other cheftestants by making them coffee in Seattle’s Best cups, and the fact that he told us a different nickname for himself in every episode he was in (which I realize probably isn’t the greatest achievement, given that he was in a grand total of two episodes, but still. Humor me).

And he can at least take solace in the fact that Johnny Iuzzini told him he had one of the most finely tuned palates of any chef there. . .even if his textures were compared to scrambled eggs in soup. . .

The rest of the episode? How to put this. . .

Let me be perfectly frank, my wobbly custards: if that episode had been part of any other show, or had come at any other point in this show, I would be sneering so hard my upper lip fell off at all of the completely out of the blue and over the top drama.

As it is, though? Coming right after this ungodly yawn of a season of Top Chef, and more particularly after that epic snoozefest of a reunion show they patched together?

Last night was like a sorbet of beautiful, beautiful crazy after you’ve had a heavy meal of mediocrity.

I have watched a lot of reality TV, darlings. A lot. More than you know about. More than I’m comfortable admitting. I watched the entire first season of Temptation Island. I got sucked into Married By America against my own better judgment. I continue to watch various iterations of Housewives even though each and every episode makes me feel like I need a Silkwood shower.

I have never. NEVER. NEVER seen anyone go from “Hi, my name is Seth, how are you?” to full fledged “OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD, MY MOMMY IS SIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!!!! I’M BROOOOOOOKE!!!! MY ICE CREAM WON’T FREEEEEEEEZE! WHY DO YOU ALL HAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE MEEEEEE?????” so quickly.

The only thing I can think of that’s even close is Top Chef season one, where Ken came, saw, threw some temper tantrums, and left all in the first episode. And that was super mild by comparison.

Where the fuck did all that come from, people? The man tears? The crazy? The creepy hugs with Elizabeth Falkner? Did it really all come from Atomic Fireballs? Or does anyone else think that was just an excuse?

But we’ll get to that in time. . .

Morning! Los Angeles! Top Chef Just Desserts Loft! Crazy Eyes Morgan wakes up and pounds Seth’s bed, because that’s how straight men bond. Morgan tells us he and Seth have a lot in common, since they both like the cooch and all.

Tim the Snow Queen says he’s the “Big Mama” of the house because he’s older and gets into the motherly role easily. Dissatisfied with his big gay mom, Seth calls his actual Mom to see how her physical therapy is going. He tells us she’s had a lot of health problems, but isn’t more specific about it. Time to roll out!

Just Desserts Kitchen! Time for the quickfire! Ooh, there’s so much candy in huge jars it looks like one of those weird mall candy shops –Sweet Factory? Is that the name? Anyway, Elizabeth Falkner is there, which is appropriate since she has a weird mall lesbian haircut to go with the weird mall candy shop theme.

Gail tells them their quickfire is to create a dish that celebrates penny candy (there’s a feature, by the way, on this in the October Real Simple – how to make desserts from leftover Halloween candy. It looks good). Heather H. is nervous because she doesn’t eat a lot of penny candy. But really, who does after the age of like twelve or so? They have an hour to compete their penny candy masterpiece, and can use as many or as few flavors as they like.

Food flurry! Erika just wants to eat the candy. Yigit is worried about the additives in the candy ruining the textures of the dessert. 33 minutes! Malika was shocked by the last quickfire, and is watching the clock intently this time. Seth makes an Atomic Fireball dessert in honor of his mom, who can’t eat them anymore because of her health problems.

?????

I am immediately curious as to what kind of ailment requires both physical therapy and avoidance of Atomic Fireballs.

Zac says his dessert is “revenge on my vegan mother for never letting me go to the candy store.” He says he became a pastry chef as an act of rebellion. Danielle is making worms in dirt, which is. . .so unoriginal and sooooo Semi Homemade. Sorry.

5 minutes! Seth doesn’t have enough nitrogen to freeze his sorbet. Someone looks to be making a poo coil. 5! 4! 3! 2! 1! Seth is furious that he failed in the challenge to do something for his mom, and basically has a little mini tantrum. Dude, it’s day 2. Don’t go to tears just yet.

Tasting! They begin with Yigit’s dish, which is inspired by red licorice – the Bravo elves have not seen fit to give it a description, and I am not turning on the TV this morning just for one.

Heather H’s dish is a Creamcicle inspired Vanilla Panna Cotta with Passion Fruit Gleée. NOM. Seth continues crying. Tim has made Orange and Pistachio Parfait with Mascarpone and Cream. Gail thinks the pistachio flavor comes through well.


Next they get Crazy Eyes Morgan’s Chick-O-Stick Sable with Malted Milk Ganache and Repulled Banana Lollipop. Malika has successfully plated her Lemon Drop and Strawberry Parfait with Yuzu Cream. Heather C. has a Browned Butter Almond Financier with Strawberry and Balsamic Vinegar thing that doesn’t use any actual penny candy.

Zac’s is a Chocolate and Sour Cream Ho Ho with Red Hot Cream Cheese Filling. NOM. Seth is hyperventilating.

Eric has made Malted Chocolate Pudding and Malt Ball Cookie. Erika’s is a Strawberry Pop Rocks with Lemon Drop Cookie and Sour Lemon Gelée. “These rocks are definitely popping,” Gail tells her. Danielle explains her “Worms in Dirt” and Lemon Drop Soda.

Finally we get Seth’s sad, tear filled Whopper Chiffon Cake with Red Hot Coconut Jam and Passion Fruit Vanilla Sorbet and he talks more about his mom’s pain and cries about how he can’t do this. Crazy Eyes Morgan comforts him, in the way dudes who like the vadge comfort other dudes who like the vadge when they cry hysterically in public. Elizabeth Falkner then steps in and hugs him, because she likes girls, and Seth is being a big ole’ girl right now.

Commercial! Ooh, a Top Chef All Stars Commercial. Already.

Back! Seth cries more and Elizabeth Falkner tells him to man up and pull his head out of his ass. Malika looks at him with tremendous scorn for not accepting his loss as graciously as she did.

Elizabeth Falkner announces her least favorites: Heather C. didn’t embrace the challenge; Eric didn’t explore the malted candy; and Seth, because he’s a giant douche who can’t handle failure.

The best are Heather H., who used a lot of different acidic citrus candies; Danielle, who was playful, and Zac, whose cake was good and whose licorice sauce that was balanced.

And the winner is. . .Danielle. Ew. I don’t much like her. She has a weird cloying smile and made a Sandra Lee type dessert. She says she’ll put her best foot forward despite having immunity.


Gail tells them they’ll be going to Mark Peel’s new 1940’s inspired restaurant the Tar Pit to learn about their elimination challenge.

They head to the Tar Pit. It looks SLICK. I want to go. Or to a 1940’s inspired restaurant in DC. Do we have any? Hmmm. . .

Gail tells them for their elimination, they’ll create a dish inspired by a great cocktail, and they’ll be shopping for ingredients behind the bar. They’ll have 2 minutes each to “shop” and 3 hours to prepare their dessert for the judges and 25 discerning barflies.

Peel has a set of coasters with numbers that determines the order they’ll “shop” in. Eric has #1, and he’s stoked.


Bar. . .shopping. . .flurry. Eric takes all the pineapple. Erika takes margarita ingredients and thinks about how she can incorporate salt. Tim tries to psychically keep them from taking the ingredients they want. Zac shops, finishes quickly, and then dances merrily behind the bar. Seth can’t find grapefruit to make a greyhound inspired dessert, and then freaks out in a big way because of this.

His time lapses, then he comes out from behind the bar and freaks out about why they all hate him, and how his mother has $100,000 in medical bills. Even Crazy Eyes Morgan thinks he’s being an asshole. Commercial!

Oh my god, Inside the Actors’ Studio! Remember when Bravo was the classy channel? Remember when it was nothing but James Lipton and Twin Peaks reruns at 3 in the morning and repeat airings of Six Degrees of Separation all day every day?

I miss that.

Back! Just Desserts Kitchen. 3 hours to cook. Heather H. talks about how not having recipes means you have to have a lot of confidence in yourself. Eric talks about how he’s doing a bourbon infused pineapple, but other people are doing fancy things. Seth is doing a black and blue gimlet – a gimlet with blackberries and blueberries -- but he’s still stressed after all of the yelling with Yigit.

Tim has been inspired by a Plantation, which involves basil, and he’s worried about not having enough basil flavor. Malika thinks her Blood Orange Mojito cake is lacking the acidity it needs.

Iuzzini-thru! He thinks Yigit looks organized and confident, but wonders about how the alcohol will make the custard set differently. Seth has a lot going on. He can’t wait to try Erika’s “margarita bombe.”

19 minutes! Erika tells us that working in the kitchen with Seth is hectic, and he’s the kind of person she stays away from. Seth runs around the kitchen like an insane person. Danielle finds him mentally draining.

5 minutes. Yigit is stressed and worries that he’s trying something too complicated.

Time! The chefs file out of the kitchen and head . . .back to their loft. Heather H. talks about how Seth made an ass of himself at The Tar Pit, and how it’s caused tension with all of them. She tells him he needs to apologize to all of them. Yigit reminds Seth that he has no idea what kind of trauma the rest of them have gone through, and acting the way he did was really selfish. Commercial!

Back! Tar Pit! The chefs have an hour to plate their 30 portions of dessert. The kitchen is a very small space considering that there are still so many of them. Seth tells Yigit “my gelee is going to be harder than yours.” Seth, remember, is a straight guy.

Eric is stressed. Erika realizes she’s one dessert short, so she rethinks her plating to cut her bombe in half to show everything that’s inside.

Service! Gail introduces the judges: Iuzzini, Falkner, and Hubert Keller!!! Yay!!!! I’m so glad it’s him and not that Daily Candy Girl. They also greet Mark Peel and his wife/business partner.

The first three to serve are Erika’s Margarita Bombe with a Lime Cookie, Tequila Mousse and Grand Marnier Créme Brulee. Danielle’s dish is inspired by a “ginger lime cocktail” (ah, yes -- the iconic ginger lime cocktail. The hell?) and has made a Lime and Lemon Curd Tart, Toasted Coconut with Rum Sabayon. Eric explains his Pineapple Bourbon Upside Down Cake. N-O-M. I hope this turns up in a Top Chef cookbook at some point, because bourbon and pineapple upsidedown cake are a few of my favorite things, and I bet it wouldn't be too hard to make.

Mark Peel loves the subtlety of Erika’s Margarita Bombe, and iuzzini thinks she embraced the cocktail flavors. Elizabeth thinks Danielle should’ve torched the meringue, an Iuzzini doesn’t associate it with a cocktail at all. Gail thinks Eric’s dish had the most flavor. Elizabeth Falkner liked the texture and got a lot of bourbon flavor.

Back in the kitchen, Yigit is rushing to get his dessert done. Seth tries to help getting his basil ice cream on the plate. Crazy Eyes Morgan thinks he won’t be able to scoop 30 sorbets in 3 minutes. Yigit’s plates are unfinished and don’t look as beautiful as they could.

The second service begins with Yigit’s Negroni inspired Campari and Blood Orange Agar Agar with Citrus Vanilla Panna Cotta and Basil Ice Cream. Morgan explains his Jack and Coke based Cola Spiced Whiskey Cake with Coke Fluid Gel. And Heather C has made Gingerbread Cake with Rum Caramel Sauce.

Elizabeth says Yigit’s dessert looks like a fun cocktail themed dessert. Iuzzini says he need to think about timing since his ice cream is melted. Keller likes Morgan’s gelee, but Gail thinks something is missing. Iuzzini thinks Heather C’s didn’t come together the way she wanted, and Falkner got no lime.

Kitchen. Seth is on Malika’s nerves, and dropping stuff like an idiot. Zac “can’t watch someone go down like that” (that’swhathesaid) and helps him plate. After they finish, Seth runs crazily in around the kitchen offering to help people since receiving help has made him understand the beauty of helping. Or because he wants people to think this when what he’s really doing is trying to get in their way and screw them up. One of those.

So this flight is Seth’s Blueberry Gimlet Cake with Lemon and Lime Juice, Juniper Soda. It looks like 3 little cubes of mold. Malika’s is a Blood Orange and Blackberry Mojito Cake with White Chocolate Mousse. And Heather H has made a White Russian Stack. Predictable, but nom.

Falkner thinks Malika’s dessert is one of the least successful, and it reminds Keller of something with really sugary icing on top “and eef you eet zee hole dee-zairt, you pass out.” Iuzzini thinks Heather overthought hers. Falkner is a bit put off by Seth’s blue cake, and Iuzzini didn’t get either of the gin flavors.

Kitchen. Seth knocks over a giant tray of Zac’s chocolate squares, and then says “I didn’t do it, I didn’t do it.” What a douche. I hope he and his mold cakes and his mother’s mystery disease go home. Seth then decides to clean directly under Zac’s feet. Then he goes and crouches in a corner, like Gollum.

Final pairing. Zac’s is a Jaeger Bomb inspired Benedictine Bombe - Dark Chocolate Malt Cake with Benedictine Crémeux. Tim’s is a Plantation Basil Pudding with Orange, Kumquat and Lime Granita.

Iuzzini thinks Zac grabbed the bull by the horns on this one. He worries, though, about Tim’s tendency to present desserts in a bowl, and Falkner likens the texture to scrambled eggs. Peel enjoys the flavors though.

Zac worries that since his dish is incomplete, the judges won’t get the full profile and he’ll end up in the bottom three. Commercial.

Back! Fakeback! Pudding room! Seth wants to know if people want to play cards. No one wants to play with him. He plays with himself.

Not like that, you little pervs. He makes a dumbass helmet out of cake rings and a bowl.

For reals back. Pudding room. Erika is nervous, but she feels good in her heart. Gail calls back Erika, Yigit, and Eric.

People once again try to convince themselves that this could be the bottom 3, and then it turns into a Seth versus the Heathers fight where he accuses them all of picking on them for having made himself vulnerable in front of them. Crazy Eyes Morgan tells Seth not to stew and Seth goes off on a tirade about how his cooking was better when he was less nice. Jesus.

Judges table. These are, of course, the top three.

Erika explains being inspired by the margarita and keeping things clean and simple. Iuzzini thought it was aesthetically beautiful, and Gail and Elizabeth both loved the tequila sauce.

Keller thought Eric’s cake was really well executed. Falkner tells him he does need to think about the aesthetic more, and he explains that this is the first time he’s done plated service in his life.

Yigit explains his Negroni dish, and Falkner says it was a beautiful, colorful interpretation and the chill-factor made it really cocktail like. Keller really liked the consistency of the panna cotta.

Falkner announces that the winner is. . .Erika! She feels good about the win, and says now it feels like the game has started.


They return to the pudding room, and everyone claps for Erika’s win. Yigit calls back Malika, Tim, and Seth.

Gail explains that they made the “least satisfying” desserts.

Iuzzini tells Tim his quickly became a soupy mess, and says that it drives him crazy because Tim probably has one of the sharpest palates of the group, but has a hard time putting it all together.

Seth thinks he made too many components and messed them up. Keller says he’s a little too hard on himself. Iuzzini agrees that he’s trying to do too much too fast. Gail asks him why he couldn’t focus, and he blames it on his “ridiculous emotional breakdown” in the quickfire. Falkner asks him how they can be sure that won’t happen again, and he can’t promise that it won’t.

Keller thinks that Malika’s cake was too sweet. Iuzzini points out that this is the second time that time has become her enemy, and she says her challenge this time was trying to backtrack and fix problems she didn’t have time to fix.

Gail sends them back to the pudding room.

Deliberation. Seth did eleven things, and 8 got on the plate, his dish was scattered and it didn’t “make the cocktail.” Tim has shown “great flavor combinations” but Gail can’t get past the fact that it looked like “curdled soup.” Malika’s dish was too sweet, but at least she admitted that she wasn’t happy about it. Gail is worried about her ability to adapt to the challenges. Commercial.


Back. Iuzzini says they’re all there because they failed to change when problems arose. Tim’s flavors were great, but texturally it was like scrambled eggs in soup. Malika’s idea didn’t translate. Seth shouldn’t use every technique he knows in a single dish.

Gail tells. . .Tim to pack his knives and go. Noooo. He’s surprised to be going home this early. Other chefs are sad to see him go, or maybe they’re just sad to see Seth stay. Six of one.


Next time! Cheerleaders! Bake Sale! Fricking chaos! Sabotage time! I see you shakin’ the table it’s driving me crazy! Have you been snorting buttercream? You could almost taste the resentment. . .in her cookie. I’m going to hate this room.

Top Chef: Reunion Recap-sule

So I was watching the reunion, and typing and typing and thinking “wow, I thought nothing could be more tedious than the show. I was wrong.”

And then at about the half hour mark, my computer shut down out of the clear blue nowhere for no apparent reason, and only about ¼ of my recap file was recoverable, and I took this as a sign.

Yes, jizzpossums, that was baby Jebus’s way of telling me that the reunion is not worth talking about. Fuck it. Fuck Top Chef DC. You have simultaneously turned both my favorite show AND my city into a dull ass crappingstone. Fuck you.

Here’s all you need to know, in the form of an unedited itemized list:


1) Kevin actually won. That wasn’t a giant hallucination

2) Someone in Rhode Island asks why Tom was so grumpy this season, and he flat out admits that the food this season didn’t live up at times. Beautiful.

3) Another viewer wants to know how Eric got “soooooo good looking.” He tells us “it doesn’t ‘elp een zee keeshain.”

4) Tiffany is married, and Ed’s “girlfriend” “Diane” (that’s her stage name at Archibald's) wasn’t happy with their superclose relationship of sitting on different beds in the same room and wearing each other’s sundresses.

5) Pea Pureegate is still anyone’s guess.

6) Ed has a fetching Pea Puree t-shirt which he probably made on cafepress.

7) The official Bravo shirt, though, is “Beast in the Kitchen” in honor of Kenny. Because he needs encouragement.

8) Kenny has a tattoo that says “Beast of the Kitchen” all the fuck over his abs, just in case there are any of you who didn’t think he was a giant fucking douchebag with an overinflated ego.

9) Stephen’s food sucked.

10) Stew room hijinks!

11) John’s hair still looks like a jizzpossum.

12) Gail talks about the difference between being a judge on Top Chef and a host/judge on Top Chef Just Desserts. This is neither more nor less than a blatant plug for Top Chef Just Desserts.


13) Judge Hijinks! This is probably the longest segment in the first 40 minutes of the show, and the only one that’s even remotely amusing.

14) At this point, I had to get up and make myself a small margarita.

15) Fakeback! If the cheftestants hooked up, they would have some fucking ugly babies.

16) The opener reset to porn music. Stay classy, Bravo.

17) Angelo thinks he’s humble and gracious. Everyone else thinks he’s a Russian spy who deliberately sabotaged his competition.

18) These people find anything to do with plastic wrap hilarious.

19) Andy Cohen wants you to watch his weird little chat show to find out who the fan favorite is. (Seriously, my occasional indulgence in Watch What Happens Live is one of the great shames of my life)

20) The all star/season 8 cast premiering December first. From Season 1: Stephen and Tiffani! Season 2: Elia and Marcel! Season 3: Dale! Casey! and Tre! Season 4: Blais! Dale! Antonia! Spike! Season 5: Fabio! Carla! Jamie! Season 6: Jennifer!!! Mike. And Season 7: Angelo and Tiffany.

21) Tom is still making excuses for Tiffani Faison "ooooh, if she hadn't tried to do too much, she would've won the first season." It’s a little gross.

And that’s it. And let’s never speak of these people again. Except Tiffany and Angelo, who we’ll talk about for as long as they can keep their heads above water once Season 8/All Stars gets underway.

Top Chef Just Desserts: Cupcakes and Heartbreaks

Poor Tania is out
Tania is the first one out
Not much to say. Mousse.

Let’s get a few things out of the way: first, I “watched” this show on Wednesday night, but since I was working on the regular Top Chef recap at the time, I didn’t absorb much. My impressions were something like:

Kid who looks like Miles from Work of Art
Snow Queen
Cupcakes
Basil
Some bitching about beds
Chocolate.
Something about Disco Dust
Some chick goes home.

And since it didn’t do much to distract my attention, I have to say I wasn’t surprised by all the Negative Nellying that was going on about it on the interwebs. You do not seem to be too impressed so far, my little croquembouches.

(I will say, though, it did make me hungry enough just hearing the word “chocolate” so many times in the course of an hour that I had to get up and eat a spoonful of Nutella at 11:45 at night. AND I just ate some Cocoa Krispies in yogurt after watching it this afternoon. It’s like I’m Pavlov’s freaking dog or something, except that chocolate isn’t good for dogs, so not that)

But I figured I’d give it a solid chance, a for real watching. And if it was truly awful, I could always just abdicate it like I did The Fashion Show (shudder).

And?

I was pleasantly surprised.

First of all, the kitchen is stunning. STUNNING. I don’t remember a kitchen in the history of Top Chef that has managed to be aesthetically pleasing – usually they’re just a grim warehouse space with the series’ logo slapped on one wall.

Second, Gail. Our little Gail’s all growed up and hosting her own show, and I think she’s doing a really good job so far. (More on both of these things later)

Third, I LOVE that there are twelve contestants. You all know that there are a few constants in the way I handle these things, and one of them is always bitching about the number of contestants in the first few episodes. Scaling this back to twelve – which I think is what they had in the very first season of Top Chef – is GREAT. I already know everyone’s names, even if I do periodically confuse Danielle and Heather C. (Heather C. appears to have some sort of bandage or growth on her forehead? What’s up with that? Is she a unicorn?).

Fourth. . .It’s DESSERT, people. And I don’t want to hear about how watching all dessert all the time is going to get old because a) are you aware how wildly successful the dessert challenge shows on Food Network are? b) we have no evidence that it’s going to be all dessert all the time –regular Top Chef usually does one dessert challenge per season, so why shouldn’t Just Desserts do at least one savory challenge per season? Or one full meal challenge where everyone fights to be the one to make dessert instead of the way it usually goes. And c) DESSERT, people. DESSERT. Now shut yer pieholes.

Heh.

And finally. . did you see the parade of cray-cray they brought on board? Did you see the “this season” previews? This ish is going to be (chocolate covered) bananas, mark it.

Tania, I’m sorry, lady – you’re getting short shrift here like the first cut always does, and I always feel bad about that. I hope you and your husband are having mad luck in the baby department, and I L-O-V-E your shoes and skirt in the bio picture. Gorgeous.

So lets do this, huh?

Indeterminate time of day! LAX! Seth Caro arrives dragging a suitcase behind him. We learn that he was the first pastry chef at Harold Dieterle’s restaurant Perilla. He seems to be wandering around an airport somewhere when he meets up with Tania Peterson, who thinks she’s a rebel because she’s a “Jewish atheist artist.” Oh, honey. You are moving in some dishwater dull circles if you think that that combination is unique.

Next Heather Hurlbert and Erika Davis roll up (Erika is from Tamms, where my dad spent part of his childhood. Holla!). And then they see a giant bus that’s been tricked out with the Just Desserts branding approaches, and they all climb aboard and tell us inane things about themselves as the bus rolls to the next terminal. There it picks up Zac Young, who is clearly competing both for Top Dessert Chef and Gayest Bravo Reality Personality in the History of Bravo Reality Programming, Ever (and yes, that includes Andy Cohen and each and every one of the Queer Eye boys. Miss you!), and two others who don’t merit names yet. They drive on to the train station where they meet Tim Nugent, -- who is also in the battle for GBRPitHoBRP,E because he tells us people call him “the Snow Queen, because my food is frozen. . .and I’m gay.” He’ll also be going for this year’s Overstating the Obvious trophy -- and Heather Chittum (from Hook,) and another young gay man from San Fransisco. Then there’s Morgan Wilson, who has a son and a girlfriend and a climbing wall and an attitude about how pastry chefs are better than savory chefs. And if you didn’t get it from the son and girlfriend and rock climbing references, he’s going to be the “I am straight! Straight! Look how straight I am!” entry this season.

And then. . .Gail and Johnny Iuzzini board the bus. Seth tells us he has a schoolboy crush on Gail. I do too, except not the schoolboy part, and it’s more like I want to be her best friend. Gail welcomes them and introduces head judge and wallet chain trend prolonger Johnny Iuzzini. He says he can’t wait for them to show the world how artistic and inventive dessert can be.

Gail introduces their first quickfire: Introduce Yourselves Through Your Signature Dessert. They will have 30 minutes and $50 to shop at “the grocery store”, then head to the Just Desserts kitchen for an hour and a half of baking. Winner gets immunity.

Grocery store! And it totally is a generic, non product placement, no name given “grocery store,” not a Whole Foods or anything. Yigit Pura introduces himself and says that all pastry chefs have to be OCD. Eric Wolitzky calls himself a pastry chef even though he works at a bakery. He’s nervous about the competition.

Erika is scared because you have to be so on point with pastry, and they’re not allowed to use recipes. We get to know a little bit about Malika who is “a pastry chef consultant” and “in the process of a divorce.” She wants to win for her three sons.

Kitchen! 1.5 hours to cook. I love the just desserts kitchen – it’s red and very vibrant and full of toys. Seth refers to it as his “Barbie Dream house.”

Tania is making her “Serious Chocolate Cake” and is nervous to be away from home because she and her husband have been trying to get pregnant. Seth is nervous about cooking for Johnny Iuzzini because he fucked up a tasting in his kitchen at one point.

One hour and fifteen minutes. Gail and Johnny enter and Gail slyly says “didja really think it would be that easy?” Commercial!

Back! The twist is that they must transform their signature dish into a cupcake. Bleh. The chefs don’t seem enthused about this, and neither am I, particularly. The difference is that the chefs are unenthused because they don’t like having a wrench thrown in the works, whereas I’m just flat out sick of the whole cupcake chic thing.

Back into food flurry mode with a lot of bleeped out swearing. Something’s burning. Malika is trying to create meringues in cupcake shape to hold the filling. Tim is freezing his semifreddo in cupcake form. Tania feels like she has an advantage since she was doing cake already. Seth hasn’t made a cupcake since home ec class. He thinks it’ll be tough since his dish involves basil, but decides to make a basil buttercream. NOM. I am so in favor of herby ice creams and desserts after my basil lemon experience last summer.

7 minutes! Malika goes to check on her meringues, only to find that the oven has been turned up and they are brown outside and goo inside. She doesn’t manage to plate her components.

Time! Johnny and Gail enter for their tasting. They begin with Tania’s Chicory Mousse Cupcake with Mesquite Flour and Crème Fraiche Caramel. Next on the menu is Heather C.’s Carrot Cupcake, Creme Fraiche Cream Cheese Icing, and Fried Carrots. Johnny likes the sourness of the crème fraiche. Zac has made his deconstructed lemon meringue into a Vanilla Bean Cupcake with Lemon Curd and Blood Orange Marshmallow. Danielle has done a Chocolate Cupcake with Mint Chip Filling and Toasted Meringue. Eric’s is a Devil's Food Cupcake with Buttermilk and Coffee. Tim has made a giant mess, which we’re told is a Pistachio Semifreddo. Johnny says it would be great as a semifreddo but doesn’t fare well as a cupcake.

Seth’s is a Steamed Malaysian Coconut Cake with Basil Buttercream and Candied Pine Nuts. Next we see Morgan’s Dark Chocolate Soufflé Cupcake with Supreme of Tangerine and Caramel Buttercream. Malika explains why things didn’t work out. Gail reminds her that timing will be the trickiest part of the competition.

Gail says “So Johnny, tell us whose were your LEAST favorite cupcakes today.”

Let’s just break here for a moment – if I’m impressed with anything about this competition so far, it’s Gail. She’s doing the Padma thing better than Padma, and this is episode one. It’s so nice to have someone whose voice has some dynamics to it after years of the perpetually stoned Padma and the Katie Lee Joelbot.

Anyway, clearly Malika’s lack of dish is in the bottom. With her are Tim’s messy un-cupcake and Zac’s horrible marshmallow. Zac points out that he’s the only one of these three who’ve MADE a cupcake, so he actually has the worst cupcake.

In the top are Seth’s “herbaceous” cupcake, Tania’s moist cupcake, and Heather C’s contemporary take on carrot cake. And the winner is. . .Seth! Everyone claps. “I won the cupcake?” He says, stunned. Yes, Seth. You won the cupcake. Such a pretty boy. Sadly for him, he looks kind of like Miles from Work of Art, who was such a douche that I’m still not over it.

Seth reminds us that Harold won the first challenge and won his season, so this shows that he’s here to win.

But think about that later, little camper – right now it’s time to hear about the elimination challenge! Gail tells them they’ll be working with everyone’s favorite ingredient. . .chocolate. Some Bravo lackeys wheel a cart of chocolate into the room. Their challenge is to create the most luxurious chocolate dessert imaginable to impress 50 chocolate connoisseurs including “Mr. Chocolate himself, Jacques Torres.” Zac tells us that if you took a bite of Jacques Torres, he’d ooze ganache, that’s how into chocolate he is.

They’ll have 4 hours to cook in the Just Desserts Kitchen, then one hour in the Just Desserts dining room. But that’s tomorrow – tonight they get to go back to their loft, get settled and get to know each other.

Top Chef Desserts Loft! It’s covered in pictures of desserts. Yikes – that’s like America’s Next Top Model style bullshit. Seth tells them he’s an insomniac and needs a special bed. Morgan requests that they turn the thermostat way the fuck down so he can sleep. What a bunch of princesses. Commercial.

Back! Just Desserts Kitchen! 4 hours to prep. Reasonably paced food flurry. Danielle puts her name on her oven and says “I’m marking my territory like a cat.” Morgan is confident working with chocolate. Heather H. says if you have the right skills and confidence, you can do anything. One tray of Morgan's flan burn.

One and a half hours! Zac says he has something to prove in a major way.

Iuzzini-thru. Seth finds him and his pompadour intimidating. He explains his dessert to him. Tania is using some white chocolate for a creameaux. Johnny thinks she’s bringing it. He thinks Danielle is asking for it with her “free form tart” because deconstructed ideas of desserts can go wrong.

Tania has a mousse issue – it looks like and has the texture of hummus.

35 minutes! People start heading into the dining room to set up.

Service! The diners enter, as do the judges – Gail, Johnny, Dannielle Kyrillos of Daily Candy, and Jacques Torres.

The judges start doing a circuit of the room, collecting desserts as they go. Morgan’s dessert is Chocolate Fried Pie with Milk Chocolate Bourbon Flan. Heather C. has made Bittersweet Chocolate Torte with a Mini Whoopie Pie. Johnny’s portion of flan has separated into two layers. Jacques Torres says this is his first whoopee pie, and he’d like a more citrusy taste in the crème.

Next they go for Eric’s Spiced Brownie with Ancho Chile, Ginger and Cinnamon and Heather H’s Dark Chocolate Mousse Torte with Chocolate Grand Marnier Sauce. Then we head over to Zac, who is blowing “Disco Dust” onto his Chocolate Fondant “Brownie Sundae” because “I can’t do anything without a deep fryer and a little glitter.”

There are “too many” quotation “marks” in the previous “sentence.” Also, I always thought “disco dust” was coke. Have I been “wrong” all this “time”?

Dannielle says you can “taste the disco” in Zac’s dessert (what does that mean?), but Torres is turned off by him blowing the dust. Johnny says Eric’s brownie is moist and rich, but Torres finds it insufficiently decadent. They’re more impressed with Heather’s, which is more elegant and well plated.

Next the judges go for Tania’s Flourless Chocolate Torte with Earl Gray and White Chocolate Mousse. She tells them the texture of the mousse isn’t where she’d want it to be. She cries. The judges also pick up a portion of Danielle’s Chocolate Tart with Hazelnut Brittle and Banana. Dannielle the judge finds it too hard to get through. Torres says the flavors are good together but not great texturally. Johnny is not impressed with Tania’s torte.


Seth’s Madras Curry and Chocolate Palette with Raspberry Gelee and Yigit’s Flourless Chocolate Genoise with Custardless Ice Cream make up the next group. Torres says there’s something wrong with the ice cream. Dannielle says Seth’s dessert is like a pug dog – tiny little body, but powerful.

They move on to Tim’s Chocolate Cake with Ganache and White Chocolate Cream. Johnny congratulates Malika on finishing in time with her Bittersweet Chocolate Layer Cake with Braised Cherries and Nougatine. There’s also Erika’s Chocolate Banana Caramel Crunch Bar. Dannielle likes the crunch on the bottom of Erika’s. Torres thinks the cake on Tim’s is dense, but the flavor is good. They think Malika’s screams chocolate.


With a few remarks about the dishes, the judges depart. Commercial.

Back! Fakeback! Everyone’s eating Zac’s dessert. Danielle says “ok, now I’m ready
to throw up.” Then she tries to tell him that it’s the amount of chocolate, not his dish specifically. She brings him a dish of hers which he looks at and says “ok, now I have to go throw up.” Wah-wah.

Back! Stew room. Except we shouldn’t call it a stew room, since they’re dessert chefs. Pudding room. Heather C. tells Yigit “you smell like you worked really hard.”

Gail enters and calls back “Seth, Heather H., and Zac.” Morgan tries to tell us that they don’t know what the protocol is since this is a new show, ignoring the fact that every iteration of Top Chef has done winners first and then losers with very rare (one time?) exceptions. He tells us that he tasted all three of the desserts, and his was better.


(I just freeze framed the TV on a Morgan interview while typing that, and I have to say – he’s a good looking guy, but he has a serious case of the crazy eyes).

Judges’ Table! I’ve decided to refer to Danneille the judge as “Daily Candy Girl” henceforth until she says something substantive OR Danielle the contestant goes home, whichever comes first. Mostly it’s because I just don’t like seeing all the spellcheck squiggly underlines on Dannielle. Also, I don’t much respect her yet, and having too many Danielle/Danneilles is confusing.

Gail congratulates them on being the top 3. Zac immediately begins sobbing. “making dessert is kind of like giving birth to a baby,” he tells us. “And you have a lot of experience with this?” Gail says archly. “I have a lot of experience with this,” he says, and continues his tortured metaphor, perhaps not realizing that she was making fun. Anyway, Iuzzini tells him he had a really well conceived dessert. Daily Candy girl compares it to a party in her mouth. Torres calls him out for blowing on the dessert.

Iuzzini loved the aesthetic of Heather’s dessert. Torres thought the crunch was a good surprise.

Gail thanks Seth for bringing it even though he had immunity. Daily Candy girl spazzes out “Curry for dessert? What?” What? What? What are you, twelve? What are your qualifications again?

Torres tells them the “wiener” is the one who “ombrace shocolate”—Heather H. She’s stoked, and promises to stay focused and do her best.


But winning has its dark side, and she has to call back Danielle, Tania, and Morgan. “Whatever,” Morgan mutters.

The three of them enter the judging room and are greeted with Johnny Iuzzini’s sturn face.


Gail asks Danielle why she thinks she’s there. She doesn’t know. Johnny says the dessert exploded on the plate. Tania, on the other hand, knows that the texture of her mousse was off, and she doesn’t make excuses for that. Gail assures her that she really liked the layer under the mousse, but it wasn’t enough to balance the error.

Morgan thought his dessert had a nice array of textures, and was delicious. Uzzini asks about the gelee cube, and Morgan admits that his flan separated. Daily Candy girl says the flan didn’t go with. A note of panic slips into his voice as he says he was afraid he didn’t do enough.

Deliberation. Johnny Iuzzini says that by trying to do too much, Morgan left too much room for error. Torres thinks Tania “peeked zee rong ahn-gree-dee-ants to work wees,” and Danielle’s was impossible to eat the way she intended.

Commercial!

Back! Iuzzini tells Morgan he spread himself too thin, Danielle should’ve constructed hers differently, and Tania didn’t correct the mistake with her dessert.

Gail tells. . .Tania that her dessert just didn’t measure up, and she should pack her tools and go.


Tania frets that she’s the biggest sucker because she’s the first to go. She cries more and is glad that her husband will still be proud of her.

This season! Cheerleaders! Fire eaters! You’re being an asshole! I’m not here for fun! Stop yelling at her! Sabotage time! Morgan gets really angry and he’s like ‘well I’m gonna take all the butter!’ Hey, shakey! I see you shakin’ the shit out of this table! I’m definitely going to hurt somebody and get removed from the premises! You can almost taste the resentment in her cookie. You can all suck it.