Top Chef Just Desserts: Heather Horrible Pastry Show

Heather Horrible
A sour personality
No dessert for you.

I’m feeling a little less ebullient about this episode than I did watching it Wednesday night, my little Fraisiers. At the time, I thought we’d be able to celebrate the comeuppance of two sourfaced self important bitches this week.

Alas. It didn’t quite work out that way.

But seeing Heather Horrible fall on her flat, smug face was nice, and how can you not love a Restaurant Wars episode? Yes, it was terribly predictable with the “totally coincidental” division of the team along house faction lines; yes they went even more overboard than usual with the “struggling underdog team pulls out the win” editing and storyline. But still. It’s like watching a Peanuts Holiday special. You’re not really in it for the surprises; you’re in it for the ritual of the thing. When there ARE unique twists, it’s a special treat, but that’s not a make-or-break thing.

Let’s look at the show.

Morning! Los Angeles! Top Chef Just Desserts loft. Heather interviews that she thinks everyone was happy she was in the bottom 3, because she’s been in the top so many times. Yigit is glad he won, and thinks there’s been a target on his back since the first day. He hopes that Team Diva makes it to the top 3.

On the other side of this equation, Morgan says that now that there are 3 and 3, there are factions. He wants to break Team Diva up because they’re all very skilled and a dangerous combo.

Quickfire! Johnny and Gail are waiting in the kitchen for them. Gail tells them from now on, the quickfire winner won’t receive immunity for that week’s elimination. The challenge is a Top Chef quickfire classic: the mise en place relay race. They draw cookies to see what teams they’re on, and by some “total quirk of fate” or producer manipulation, Team Diva all ends up on the same team.

Johnny explains the legs of the race. First, they have to mold 12 perfect tart shells. Then they have to make 8 perfect buttercream roses, each the size of a silver dollar. Third, they have to separate and whip 6 egg whites to firm peaks, and make sure they’re stiff enough that the bowl can be held upside down over their head for 10 seconds without falling out. Then they have to stretch strudel dough over the length of the table and roll a strudel.

Gail says that each member of the winning team will get $3000 furnished by Dawn hand renewal. “Seals moisture in!” Zac exclaims in excitement.” They have a minute to decide who’s doing which task, and then strap on their aprons. Heather Horrible says she’s absolutely thrilled to have her “boys” on her team because they “wanna win this, and we’re pretty determined.”

The race starts with Danielle and Yigit going head to head on the pastry tarts. Danielle finishes first, with Yigit close behind, but he has to start up again because some of his dough’s uneven. This gives Eric the chance to start going on the roses. Eric says they’re working harder to beat Team Diva. After Yigit finally gets his tart shells right, Heather whips through some roses, but they’re not as nice as Eric’s. Heather finishes a few seconds earlier with a bunch of ugly squat little roses, with Eric shortly behind her with some beautifully polished ones.

Then it’s Zac versus Morgan for egg whites. Zac is nervous because Morgan’s bigger and has gigantic arms. Creepy eyes Morgan gives Zac a creepy eyed stare of intimidation. He finishes first, but Zac finishes immediately after. It’s neck and neck going into the strudel stretching. Morgan has a technique with using the back of his hands to stretch, while Team Diva is just taking a slow and steady approach. Team Diva calls check, gets their dough approved, and starts filling it with the apple while the other team is still trying to patch up the holes in their dough. So Team Diva is able to roll their strudel and take the win.

Gail tells them about the elimination challenge – “a sweet spin on the Top Chef Restaurant Wars – it’s time for the first ever Dessert Wars!”

They’ll be working in the same teams to create the ultimate dessert shop experience. Each of them must create 3 items. There has to be at least one bread item on the menu. And the winning team will get $30,000. Danielle reflects that she’s the only one left who hasn’t won any money, and she really wants to.


Gail tells them to go next door and take a look at the starting point for their shops. Commercial.

Back. Each team walks into an empty shop space, complete with cases and tables. They now have 45 minutes for menu planning, as well as decisions about ambience, décor, and plateware. Team Go Diva wants to figure out a theme, and they come up with “adult candy shop.” That just sounds filthy. The other team is doing “comfort.”

The other team has a little squabble over décor and plating issues. Morgan and Danielle snipe at each other while Eric acts like the dad waiting for the kids to fight it out.

I have to say, this is such editing shenanigans. They show Danielle and Morgan bickering underscored with OMG DRAMATIC music, but at the same time, they show the team quickly arriving at a consensus and moving on. It feels like one dude on the editing team was all “ok, let’s do a very typical Restaurant Wars storyline with the team that fights and the team that gets along, and then the fighting team shocks everyone by coming together and winning.” And then another dude rolled his eyes at that and went along with it, but edited the fight in such a way as to show what a minor squabble it really was.

The chefs head to Albertsons for 30 minutes of shopping with a $1000 budget. Go Diva races through the aisles giggling, and discusses their plans to decorate with balloons and bubbles. “The Black Team has no style, whereas we’re the shit,” Zac tells us. “We are the best people in that kitchen, really.”

Morgan goes to the back and asks for bananas in Spanish. Yigit scoffs at the amount of produce the Black Team has and says that he has “no idea what their plan of action is, but I’m sure ours is better.” Ok, editors. Let’s see if we can make this “overconfident jerks” storyline a little bit MORE heavy handed, shall we.

They head back to the kitchen with 5 hours to prep. We hear an additional criteria for the competition – two of the dessert items have to be ala minute. “Team Diva is on one side and Team Loser's on the other side,” Heather Horrible snickers meanly.

God, what a skillet faced bitch. Mission accomplished, editing monkeys! Just when I thought they couldn’t be any jerkier, Good Ole’ Flat Face McGee pulls it out of the bag.

Team Overconfident Jerks are using an assembly line process to get their desserts done. Heather Horrible makes the dough for everyone, and rolls it by hand instead of using the dough sheeter. Yigit hopes it won’t come back to bite them in the ass. Foreshadowing!

On Team Trouble and Strife, Morgan can’t find two bags of lemons, and accuses Yigit of taking them. Yigit interviews that he didn’t take Morgan’s lemons, and that Morgan wants to see him go because he’s competition.

Then there’s some sort of swearing tirade from Morgan, who can’t deal with the fact that he’s not finished before everyone else. Danielle says they need him to “stop acting like an asshole, and if he can’t do that, we’re screwed.” Oh noes! I wonder if they will possibly pull it together in the nick of time!

Back in the lofts, Eric and Danielle try to talk to Morgan, who’s stressed about having to knock out 90 pretzels tomorrow. “I’ve had my worst day here yet today, I’m sorry guys,” Morgan says. Commercial.

Back. They return to the kitchen with two hours to finish and set up. Yigit thinks his overambition is working against the team. Then he spills a giant bowl of whipped cream on himself. Danielle and Eric fill their display case. Heather Horrible notes that the other team has a lot more stuff to fill up their case with.

On Team Egoface, Zac and Yigit are working front of house, because even they realize that Heather Horrible’s “not the best person to have in the front of the house,” what with her repulsive personality, utter dearth of people skills, and unpleasant moony mug.

At Team Underdog, Danielle and Eric are handling front of house for “Whisk Me Away” to minimize the public at large’s exposure to Morgan’s occasional fits of rudeness. Given what we’ve seen in the past, I’d be more worried about his occasional fits of creepy-eyed pervature, but that’s just the sort of thing I worry about.

The judges enter Team Shit Don’t Stink’s pastry shop – Gail and Johnny are joined by Nancy Silverton and Hubert Keller, who I’m thrilled to see again. Their shop is named “Pastry Playland,” and the judges order one of each item.

Iuzzini is impressed that they created little décor items like the meringue lollipop in the flower arrangement in addition to their assigned workload. Hubert thinks they should’ve filled the pastry display case instead of keeping everything on racks, and Gail agrees that the case looks “sad.”

Yigit introduces Zac’s desserts for their first round: a Donut with Wild Blueberry Jam, Lemon Verbena Milkshake; a Fennel Seed & Kalamata Brioche with White Truffle Butter (oh, god that sounds good) for their bread item; and Caramel Corn with Bacon. Nom.

Johnny is impressed that Zac took both a bread and an ala minute item. Keller says the donut takes him back to his childhood. Nancy Silverton approves of the brioche, but Gail thinks the caramel corn is inconsistent – some pieces aren’t coated at all while others are “completely drenched in bacon fat.”

Next the judges get Yigit’s desserts: a Chocolate Tart with Peanuts & Caramel; a Margarita Sorbet; and a Fraisier with Raspberry, Strawberry & Hibiscus Gelée.

Johnny loves the texture on Yigit’s sorbet, and Gail thinks it’s delicious. Keller doesn’t think the Fraisier cake is really identifiable as a Fraisier. Then we see some footage of them all trying to break through the tart shell, and basically needing a chisel to get through it. Yikes.

Back in the kitchen, Heather Horrible is struggling and grousing at the staff. Zac interviews that she’s not in a good place. She tells Zac to shut up. Zac calmly explains to her that they need to get the judges’ plates out because keeping them waiting will look bad, “and please don’t ever tell me to shut up again.”

Heather Horrible, immature little smutfaced bitchwagon that she is, replies to this very calm, very rational adult statement by saying “shut up.” Zac looks appalled by her utter lack of manners. “All right –“ he begins, and she says “I told you, shut up. Just deal with it.”

Seriously, I hope she falls head first into a dough sheeter. Her face is already two-dimensional (and her personality is one dimensional – sheer unadulterated nasty ass) – time for the rest of her to be pressed to match.

Back out in the dining room, Yigit introduces Heather Horrible’s desserts. She’s made a Lemon Cream Tart, a Frozen Key Lime Bar, and a Milk Chocolate Pudding Cup.

Nancy says that Yigit has a lovely presence, and Keller agrees that he comes across well at front of house. He also points out that you can see the finger prints on the frozen Key Lime Bar – it’s basically a scene from CSI. Nancy thinks that the bar also has a very timid flavor. Keller thinks the pudding is nice, but Johnny points out that her tart has the same shitty undercooked crust that Yigit’s tart did.

The judges leave and some patrons with special orders come in – one girl wants the pudding, but with raspberries on top. Another wants something made from “rich chocolate.” Yigit says that “people have crazy orders all the time, and you just have to suck it up, say yes, and just make it happen.”

Pardon my ignorance, but I really don’t see how “can you put raspberries on my pudding” qualifies as a “crazy order.” God forbid I and my “no beets or beet products, please, lest I die on your premises” ever darken Yigit’s doorstep.

Conversely, on the other side of the operation, they get a guy who’s allergic to “processed sugar and nuts.” THAT is a crazy order. And yet, unlike Heather Horrible, who gave Yigit some static and made him knock out the totally unreasonable “rich chocolate with citrus” special order himself, Crazy Eyes Morgan tells us “I don’t work at the No Factory,” and makes the dude who’s allergic to processed sugar and nuts a gorgeous deep red sorbet thing in no time flat.

The judges appear, and Danielle laconically welcomes them to “Whisk Me Away.” Gail orders one of everything, and the judges sit. Gail says the look of this shop is better, but Danielle is low energy compared to Yigit.

They open with Eric’s Chocolate Chip Cookie, Vanilla Malted Cake with Chocolate Buttercream, and Banana Loaf with Brown Butter Tangerine Icing.

Keller says that layer cakes aren’t his favorite, but the buttercream is nice. Nancy says it’s always nice to see a chocolate chip cookie that’s not made with prepackaged chocolate chips. Gail wonders if it’s not a little too simple, but Johnny points out that it’s good business since the cookie is a guaranteed seller. They have issues with the texture of the banana bread, but Gail likes the flavor.

Next out we have Danielle’s desserts: a Pistachio Shortcake with Lemon Cream & Strawberries; a Coffee Cream Pie with Hazelnut Brittle; and a Ginger Ale Float with Raspberry & Tangerine Lime Sorbets. The float looks so refreshing – I bet it would be so good in the summer.

Gail thinks the ginger ale is delicious. Johnny loves that she used the paper brioche cups to serve, but they all think the flavor on the coffee pie is a bit weak.

Finally, Danielle presents Morgan’s dishes: Pretzel Stick with Mustard; Chocolate Mousse Cake with a Crème Brûlée Center; and a Fried Lemon Pie & Salted Caramel Ice Cream.

Nancy loves both the caramel ice cream and the fried pie. They’re enthusiastic about the pretzel stick, and think his cake is the most sophisticated dessert of all, and that he showed the most range.

The judges depart. Heather Horrible says she hopes the judges can see how hard they tried on the challenge because “I think we are the better team.” Ugh. Morgan tells Danielle that her tangerine sorbet was bad ass, and he feels great that they, as a team, made people smile. Commercial.

Back. Fakeback. Morgan and Danielle both give talking heads about how sometimes they get along and sometimes they don’t. “She’s very much like a sister, who you have all this endearment for, but you’re really not friends. She can irritate me to no end, but at the same time I’m proud of her for succeeding, y’know.” Aw. They both seem so much less awful now that Team Pissypants has shown their collective ass.

Really back. Judges table. Gail tells them there were some “amazing highs” and also some lows.

Nancy Silverton appreciated the effort Team Underdog put into making Whisk Me Away a place you’d want to spend time in. Johnny says Danielle seemed a bit “too casual,” and that “just because the food is casual doesn’t mean the service should be.”

But let’s talk about the desserts. Eric admits that the proportions were probably off on his banana cake because he couldn’t remember the recipe. Nancy Silverton says Morgan’s mousse cake was “a dessert to be proud of.” Danielle knows in advance that they’re going to say the coffee in her pie wasn’t strong enough.

On the red team, Zac thinks Pastry Playland “took risks and put together a really complex menu” and put together a “dessert experience” instead of a “grab and go bakery.” Whatever, dude.

Keller says that Zac’s donut reminded him of his childhood, but the milkshake didn’t stand up to it. Nancy loves his brioche, which since she’s queen of bread is pretty awesome.

Heather says she was happy with her key lime bar. Keller points out that you could see the fingerprints, and Johnny says the flavor was weak. Gail asks if Yigit was happy with his tart, and he admits to thinking the shell “was a little bit thick?” Johnny informs him that “it was a lot thick,” and Keller pantomimes nearly breaking the plate trying to get through the tart. Heather Horrible does the first non-horrible thing of her life and owns up to making the cement pastry shell.

Gail says that they also noticed that their vitrine was next to empty. Zac claims that they got slammed right before the judges showed up, but we all know that we saw Heather talking about its emptiness before the guests ever arrived. Busted, Team Snootface. Zac then says “the display case was unfortunate, but in terms of the team, we’ll all rejoice in $30,000, and we’ll all sink as a team.”

Gail reminds them that one person from the losing team will go home, and says it’s really, really close. But the winning team is. . . .Whisk Me Away.

Danielle pretty much falls out on her teammates. There’s a lot of hugging and crying. “It was an amazing moment,” Eric says. “We’re the underdogs, but we pulled out something amazing.”

Zac can’t believe that the other team won, especially with Danielle “because I really question her cooking ability.” Oh, bitch, please. She schooled your boy in tart shells and made two desserts the judges really enjoyed. Question your own g-d abilities.

The judges send the red team off so they can deliberate. Morgan celebrates the demise of Team Go Diva.

Deliberation. Johnny says Zac’s lemon verbena milkshake was bland, but Gail was more bothered by the inconsistent caramel corn. Keller didn’t care for Heather’s key lime bar, and she made that cement pastry dough. Yigit’s Fraisier really fell short, and he used Heather’s cement pastry dough. They’ve come to their decision, apparently with a lot less sturm und drang and melodramatic music than usual. Or maybe it just feels that way watching it after the shitstorm of the Project Runway finale deliberation. Commercial.

Back. Johnny tells them that it all comes down to the details. They fell short on atmosphere and food. Zac shares the blame for an empty display case, and his desserts were inconsistent. They had “serious issues” with each of Heather’s desserts, and felt that “at this level, those tart shells were just unacceptable.” Yigit was good in service, but should’ve made sure the display case was full. And his Fraisier didn’t meet their expectations.

Gail tells. . .Heather Horrible to pack her tools and go. Yay! YAYYYYY!!!. Zac does the gay gasp in reaction, and Yigit actually starts crying.

Instead of having any grace at all about this, Heather Horrible interviews that “there were issues with everybody’s dish. I don’t know why I was asked to leave between the three of us.” Um, because you made inedible pastry? As one of the final 6? In a dessert competition? She continues being a clueless self centered moron, saying “I’m sure there were other people who shoulda left, but you know – shoulda woulda coulda.” Stupid bitch.

She goes to the back and Danielle and Eric both seem sad about her leaving. We don’t see Morgan’s reaction at all – let’s assume he either went on a celebratory bender or sacrificed a virgin and three yonge goattes to his creepy eyed gods as thanks. There’s more over the top weeping from Heather Horrible and Yigit. Jesus, you’d think the judges said “you have incurable cancer” rather than “pack your tools and go.”

Next! There’s definitely certain ingredients that I’ve become very addicted to. Now I don’t know what to do. What happened back there? It actually reminded me of the frozen petit fours that cruise ships buy and take out of a box.

Project Runway: Congratuma-effing-lations, Gretchen. Bleah.

Fuck you, Michael Kors
Fuck you, Nina Garcia
Fuck you, Gretchen. Bleh.

I woke up this morning disastrously hungover, wondering if I had left my jacket in the cab on the way home; wondering if I’d forgotten to take my earrings out and if I’d put them anywhere even remotely appropriate if I had; wondering if I’d left my phone at my friends’ house.

And despite the headache, all this uncertainty gave me hope. Because if I couldn’t be sure about these things, perhaps I couldn’t be sure about the outcome of Project Runway either. Surely I’d just hallucinated the whole thing, right? The whole Gretchen winning, reunion tacked onto the front of the finale, weird, wrong, thing?

My jacket was flung over a chair. My earrings were in my jewelry box (though not the right compartment). My phone was in my briefcase, and after I’d used it to call in sick, I watched the finale over again and realized that I hadn’t made a mistake about that either.

The only way I can make sense of it is to think that Kors and Nina are actually trying to kill the show. They’re sick of doing it, and they can’t break their contracts, so they’re just trying to drive it into the ground by making stupid, indefensible decisions.

Anyway. I don’t want to think about this too much. It hurts my brain, and it already hurts too much from the Chardonnay slushing around in there. So let’s just look at what happened.

Morning! New York! Hilton Branding Opportunity Hotel Suite! Andy is sleeping Gretchen and her horrible red lipstick celebrate making it to Fashion Week. Mondo is straightening his hair. He and Gretchen talk about how they have a 1 in 3 chance of winning, and Gretchen says something totally insincere about how she didn’t think she’d make it very far in a last ditch attempt at sounding humble. Then she spouts some Secret type bullshit about how she “set the intention of getting here.”

If there was one thing that could make me loathe her more, it’s Secret bullshit about setting your intentions.

Anyway, she wants to make “myself and my community and my support system proud.” Community? Que? Is there a legion of sharp cheekboned bitches out there in Oregon? Because that just underlines my dislike for the Pacific Northwest.

Andy wakes up, they have some breakfast, and then they get a note about how some friends are going to meet up with them at Parsons.

And then, bizarrely, we’re dropped smack in the middle of the reunion. I do not approve of this arrangement. Having the reunion before the first commercial break of the finale? It goes against nature. And this is a particularly lame reunion to begin with. First we see an Andy montage. Tim congratulates all of them on making it a phenomenally wonderful season. Peach talks about her huge gay following. Casanova says the show taught him a lot of English.

People apparently get asked if Gretchen is really a bitch. She tries to be cute, saying “I’m not really a bitch, I just play one on TV,” and Ivy gives her side-eye and calls her out. April says she’d say positive things to their faces and then awful things in the interviews. Gretchen is all weepy and says it’s just her opinion, and that being a confident girl means you get categorized as a bitch.

You know what else gets you categorized as a bitch? BEING a bitch. I get called a bitch all the time – it’s not because I’m confident. It’s because I say bitchy things about people. I’m not confused about that, and if Gretchen is, she’s stupid, and still buying into the lie all our parents tell us about people not liking us because they’re jealous of our brilliance. It isn’t true, Gretchen. Either own the fact that you are – at least from time to time – a bitch, or curb the tendency toward bitchiness. Those are the only options.

We then see a Gretchen montage which weirdly downplays all her stankassedness. I mean, they show her fabric throwing with the Heidi-shill challenge, and her late-in-the-game disasters, but they don’t show her freakout during the team challenge. How do you not show that? What kind of morons are editing this thing that they’d pass up a totally golden TV moment?

Augh. This is probably where we should’ve known she would win.

We see a flashback on the evolution of Mondo and Michael C.’s friendship. Tim says the way they were all there for each other was “very moving and quite unusual.” We see a Mondo montage. Heidi claims that people ask her what the cast is really like. We see a montage of personality moments, including Michael C’s priceless Kors impression, Peach’s good china crack, and the wooly balls. Heidi says the season has been successful because they’re all so “real.” Ugh. Valerie says they all made themselves vulnerable. We see a montage about crying and emotion and vulnerability.

Heidi asks who they think is going to win. No one wants to answer – they all say bullshit about 3-way ties. Tim hustles the finalists back to the workroom. And we finally get a commercial.

Back. One day before the finale. Andy says the reunion reminded them how much they’ve gone through. Gretchen works on styling her clothes with more drama. Mondo has a zipper issue.

Tim-thru! He reminds them that they’re only showing 10 looks, so they have to remove one from their collections after the addition last episode.

Mondo is working to find a balance between costumey and showmanship. Tim doesn’t see Mondo in the plain black gown he’s made for his finale piece, and prefers the gorgeous gown we saw last week as his “nod to evening wear” that still keeps his character.

Andy is keeping his 11th look because the judges liked it, but going to lose one of his bathing suits. His “avant garde” one has something that looks like pubic hair growing out of the bottom. Tim points this out, but Andy somehow doesn’t see it. How can you not see it? It’s a giant mossy thatch coming out of briefs?

Gretchen says the judges didn’t love her 11th look because it was too casual. Casual = potato sack, apparently. Tim says the judges want to “heighten the aspirational” in her styling. Commercial.

Back. Tim tells them that Peter Butler from Garnier and Collier Strong are there to consult, that their models are there for fittings, and that they should use the Piperlime accessory wall, and then says some sweet things about how from his point of view they have 3 winners.

And then we have the usual product placement festival with the hair consults. The muse models come for their fittings. And then there’s more product placement with the makeup consults. And then more models come for fittings. This is used as an opportunity to highlight the different ways they handle management. Three of Mondo’s models don’t show up, apparently. They head back to the Hilton and talk about how excited they are, while Gretchen wears a top that it looks like she killed a Muppet to make. We see some flashbacks. They all talk about how much they want to win, and tuck themselves into bed. Commercial.

Back. Three a.m. the next day. Everyone wakes up and gets ready for the show, and then they head out to Lincoln Center. There are some more completely banal interviews about what a big deal this is. They all hug. Gretchen makes a snow angel on the runway to show what an adorable naïf she is. Naif fail, Gretchen. Naif fail.

Backstage. Mondo is still having model issues. Ninety minutes before the show, he’s freaking out about them being out of order because the wrangler arranged them wrong. Forty minutes. Tim encourages him not to freak out, and to make sure to check on his models in hair and make up. Andy is hemming pants. Mondo is still not sure he has all his girls. They have to pull in an alternate who has short hair.

Ten minutes. Jessica Simpson enters the audience, looking. . . not her best. She’s got the ponytail I sport on days I don’t have time to blow out my hair and can’t make it do anything else going on. And that’s all I’m going to say about her appearance. Commercial.

Back. Heidi struts out onto the runway in some kind of lurid red pants suit and welcomes them all to the Season 8 finale, saying she’s never gotten so emotional or so attached to the designers before. What the hell does that matter? Are they the best designers? The most talented group of designers? No. They’re plainly not. And last I heard, this was a design competition, not a "get Heidi emotionally attached to you" competition.

Anyway, let’s start the show. We open with Gretchen, who cries because her mom, sister, and best friends are there. Her collection is called “Running through Thunder,” because god forbid she go a day without giving something a made-up Native American name.

Her first look is a pair of grey running shorts and a cropped grey tank with a gross western wear blazer. Then we have a 70’s looking dress in browns and greens. The third is a pair of green buff pants with what looks to be a darker green leather inseam/crotch accent, and an ugly brown top. Four is a pair of camel-toe enhancing pants in a fabric with a sheen that would be pretty if they weren’t so poorly fit, and a rust colored top. This would actually be a passable outfit if it had been made by someone who knew how to sew a crotch that wouldn’t wander north’ard into your lady bits.

Look five is. . .a mini dress in the front and shorts in the back? It’s very odd. Six is a brown sundress. Seven is the weird lizard beach coverup with the shorts. Seven is dreadful pants and a midriff-baring top on a model who has a giant belly button. Eight is shorts in the shiny lizard material and an oversized top. Nine is another shitty brown dress, this time with a lizard-looking vest over it.

Ok, clearly I missed one in there, but they’re all so blah and so bland. . .just assume that whatever I didn’t catch was brown and/or green, and really ugly.
Commercial.

Back. Andy is showing next. He says he’s honored to be a part of this group, and that his collection is inspired by his heritage.

His first look is a silver capri jumpsuit with an acid green vest. Next up is grey pants and a grey tank top. Third is grey pants, a grey tank top, and silver blazer. Fourth is acid green shorts and a drapey grey top. More camel toe. Camel toe is apparently the new must have. Fifth is the pube bikini, but it’s got a coverup on it so it looks less pubey. Sixth is a cute grey one shouldered dress with fringe. It’s very pretty in a deceptively simple way.

Look number seven is grey pants and a floaty grey top. Eight is silver shorts and a rufled grey top. Number 9 is acid green pants and a grey tie-front top. The final look is his “11th look” – the neat acid green cocktail dress he produced for the final challenge.

It’s not awful, there just isn’t much to it. We don’t see any of the innovation we saw in the good work he did during the season.

Mondo comes out on the runway to wild applause. His inspiration came from his Mexican heritage, and he dedicates it to his grandmother Betty who’s his “spiritual guide.”

His first look is the black and white print shorts and top he showed last episode. Second is a pair of gold shorts with a high waist and a black and white top. Third is black and white leggings with a frighteningly tacky skull tunic – it’s like the bedazzled crap you buy in hotel gift shops in Sedona. Fourth is the adorable 11th look from last week. Fifth is an adorable black and white gingham bubble dress that I WANT desperately.

Sixth is black shorts and a confetti looking top. Seven is a fierce pair of high waisted black checked pants with a tee and a cropped blazer. Eight is a silver skirt with a polkadot top. Nine is an Aztec looking tunic with pink shoulders and turquoise cut-outs. And the 10th is that amazing Joan Crawford gone mad dress with the polkadots.

There’s so much that I love in this collection that it makes me willing to overlook the fact that a couple of the pieces are just tacky.

So we have the usual wrap up where the past designers and a few industry types weigh in on whose collections they liked. Jay Manuel liked Gretchen’s, because she used orange, like his skin. Or something. I stopped paying attention to anything he said years ago. Commercial.

Back. Runway. The judges have a little chat and then bring out the designers. Heidi says they were blown away with what they showed them today. Kors says each show was specific to their aesthetic. Nina tells them they’re all stars. Jessica Simpson loved many pieces, and hopes to wear them on the red carpet someday .

Heidi reminds them of the prizes and brings out their muse models. Andy explains that his inspiration was the Buddha Park in Laos. Kors says he loved that it was based on something so personal to him, and he loved the one-shouldered dresses because they were deceptively simple, but interesting. He thought the focus was a little narrow and there wasn’t much diversity.

Heidi wasn’t wowed by the first look, but liked the 11th look dress and the tie-front top. Nina says this is an evolution for him, and she was pleased by the softness, but she feels like he lost Andy. She loves the jacket the muse model is wearing, but thinks he went overboard with the Orientalism. Jessica Simspon liked the silver one-shoulder dress, and likes the mix of fabrics he used.

They move to Gretchen who talks about her whole “Running Through Thunder” thing again. She says it’s about the magic of working through challenges or some such bullshit. Nina thinks she did a fantastic job overall, and loved the prints and the fact that she provided a number of choices. She liked the “patchwork pants,” (the ones with the leather inseam and crotch accent) and says it’s a complete ready-to-wear collection. However, it was very monotone, and a dash of color would’ve helped, and the opening look was weak. Kors “gets” the girl and likes her vibe, but doesn’t get where the “techy looking leather” comes into the vibe. They all love the jewelry. Heidi found the collection a little repetitive, but says it’s “right now.”

Jessica Simpson asks a very good question – if you saw all this brown crap hanging on a rack, would you actually buy any of it? Ok, so that’s not EXACTLY how she phrased it.. . anyway, she says the collection lacked a “wow” piece.

Mondo explains the symbolism and elements in his collection. Kors says the collection was “molto Mondo” – very Mondo – and that it was eye catching and dramatic. Heidi thought it was great, and she loved the tacky ass skull t-shirt. She also liked the Aztec tunic with the pink. Nina says he’s very creative and she loves his use of color and the strapless dress, but she thought the decorative pieces were overwhelming, and that it starts looking very young. His first look was her favorite because it could appear to women of a number of ages, and she thinks he needs to add sophistication.

Jessica Simpson loved the personality of his collection, and thought it was very unique. She’s obsessed with the polkadot dress. Heidi asks why he chose to show it as his muse piece again after Kors and Nina were so hard on it. Kors liked the use of the same fabric with the silver skirt because the skirt and the legs relieved the print. He has a similar comment on the plaid pants, and also loved the skull top and the tunic dress. He worries that sometimes it verges into costume territory.

Then we have the bullshit why should you win thing. Mondo feels like he’s grown as a designer and a person, and he loves himself more.

Mondo, you win. You win life. Fuck Project Runway.

Gretchen says “I too have grown as a person while being here.” Copycat. She says she’s listened while staying true to herself, and thinks she could immediately make them proud.

Andy says winning would be an amazing dream come true, and it would let him start “the big dream.”

Heidi ushers them off the runway. Commercial.

Back. Kors says they saw three designers with very different looks. They start talking about Andy’s collection, each saying what their favorite pieces are. Jessica Simpson thinks he knew he played it a little too safe. Nina says there should’ve been some more modern “Andy” pieces. Jessica asks “did you guys scare him?” when she hears that he’s taken risks in the past. Kors thinks there was incredible work in the clothes, but the overall effect was numbing. They all agree that Andy’s out.

Heidi likes Gretchen as a designer and would wear a lot of her clothes. I wish they’d stop using that as a critique. Nina says she’s got a good eye and is “in tune with what’s happening” and “on trend.” Kors says she stayed true to the girl she is “as a designer and a woman,” but he thought the shorts and rompers were a bit repetitive. Heidi wonders if the clothes needed too much “help” from all the accessories. Nina repeats that “she’s in tune with what is happening in fashion now. Those clothes are current.”

Heidi likes the “wink” in Mondo’s clothes. Nina says he has incredible talent and is extremely creative. Kors says the tunic dress had an easiness that wasn’t costumey, but thinks he’s at a point where he doesn’t know how to edit. Heidi thinks his pieces were very wearable. Kors rolls his eyes and says a black dress would’ve been his best friend. Jessica Simpson says he’s a showstopper. Nina reminds him that she told him he was on a fine line with his clothes looking like a circus act, and doesn’t think he absorbed that.


So it’s Gretchen vs. Mondo. Nina thinks they’re equally talented, and they should make them both the winners. Jessica wonders if Gretchen’s clothes will be more ready to wear. Nina thinks they can both be editorial. Jessica and Heidi would both buy more pieces from Mondo. Nina reminds her that she liked Gretchen’s jewelry and Heidi points out “it’s not a jewelry show, it’s a fashion show.”

OH MY GOD, UNIVERSE, WHY ARE YOU MAKING HEIDI KLUM THE VOICE OF REASON???

Nina thinks Mondo’s clothes slant a little young while Gretchen’s has more of a range. If she were buying clothes for a department store, she’d buy Gretchen’s. Ugh. Since when is that the fucking criteria, Nina? You’re supposed to be looking for “the next great American designer,” not “the next Kohl’s store brand designer.”

Heidi points out that Nina would buy Gretchen’s line for her theoretical department store “because it’s safer.” OH MY GOD, STOP MAKING HEIDI KLUM MAKE SENSE, UNIVERSE. Nina says it’s not because it’s safer, it’s because “I’m going to be able to sell it.” Nina brings up her “circus” criticism again, and Jessica Simpson says “I didn’t think it looked like a circus.” Heidi says “as a customer, I can buy these and I can incorporate them in my closet and make them really wearable.”

I then had to go and put my head in the oven because I can’t believe I’m on Heidi’s side.

Nina tries to make the case that she’s judging based on what’s relevant and what she’s “seeing in the industry now.” Again, Nina – NEXT great American designer, not “who can knock off the shit they’re currently selling at Mervyn’s.”

Heidi says Mondo is more special, and Jessica says he’ll always be coming up with new things. Nina says that Mondo’s collection is the cousin to what Seth Aaron put out last season, and “it’s not about that; it’s about her style right now.” Kors thinks her clothes have “an easy kind of sexiness” and are more down to earth. Nina thinks she’s speaking to the moment. Kors thinks we’re in a sportswear moment, and then makes the ridiculous claim that “there’s more design in her clothes.” Idiot.

Heidi says Gretchen’s clothes don’t excite her, and Jessica says Mondo could dress a lot of interesting people. Heidi says they’re criticizing him for things they praised him for all season. Then there’s a huge fight about how split they are.

Apparently some sort of decision is reached off camera, or Nina and Kors replace Heidi with a replicant, or something, because they drag the designers back out on the runway. Commercial.

Back. Heidi tells Andy his collection was intricate and sophisticated, but they could’ve used more of his modern edge. He’s out. He says he has no regrets, and that he presented a collection he loves. He goes backstage and hugs his family, and says that the opportunities from here are endless, and it’s the beginning of so many great things.

Back on the runway, Heidi tells them this was the toughest decision in PR history. Gretchen’s collection looked polished and expensive, and she has her finger on the pulse of what fashion is about now. Mondo’s collection was fun and energetic, and his sense of humor showed through.

Heidi says they wish there could be two winners, but there can only be one.

Gretchen. . . is the winner of project runway. She fake cries some more and thanks them.

Mondo is out. Unbelievably. He says he thinks everything happens for a reason, and that this experience has proven what he’s capable of achieving and contributed to him as a person and as an artist. He says “I didn’t win Project Runway, but I won so much more.”

So Heidi congratulates Gretchen, who squawks about how she needed this so bad in so many different ways. She does a little fake ingénue jump in the air and says she feels like $100,000. Kors laughs coldly, perhaps already regarding his stupid, stoned decision.


Her family comes out and hugs her. Tim Gunn comes out and says “wow. Wow wow wow wow wow.” Because he can’t think of anything to say. Because it was a catastrophically stupid decision.

Then, mercifully, the DVR cuts out before I have to watch Gretchen’s horrible smugly face any more.

And that's it, America. That's all she wrote. That's the sour end to a relatively good season, even if it was good in a reality TV personality way, not in a lots of really good designers way. How appropriate, then, that the prize went to someone whose bitchiness and insane rants made her a great reality TV character, even if she is a pretty shitassed designer.

Here's the Status. . .

Ok, amuse bouches. Here's what happened: what we've got here is a concatenation of circumstances.

Yesterday the cat woke me up at three in the morning. I couldn't get back to sleep. Then I had to go in and work a full day of work. Then I had to go to dinner with some family friends. Then I had to come home and bake a rum cake for the Project Runway finale tonight.

You remember rum cake, right?

I love you, rum cake. I love you so much.

Anyway. Then this morning I had to get up and take the cat to the vet for her booster shot, or because my vet likes to wring a few hundred bucks out of me every couple weeks. One of those. I'm not quite sure which.

And then I'll have to go in to work and work the full day and then go to the Project Runway finale dinner and. . .and. .. and. . .

So the long and short of it is, something had to give. And that something turned out to be the Just Desserts recap, which you will have on Saturday, sometime.

Oh, stop whining. Just look at the rum cake again.

Fearless and Fairly Indifferent: World Series

There were a few reasons I was pleased to see the National League win the All Star Game this year. The first was because Oh My God It's About Fucking Time.

The second was because I think that the best, most satisfying World Series are the ones where the home team wins in Game 7. This is why the 1982 World Series is the best World Series in my lifetime.

(even more satisfying, though, is when the home team wins in the bottom of the 9th inning of Game 7 with a bloop single over the Yankees. This is why the 2001 World Series is the second best World Series in my lifetime, even though most would assume I'd give that nod to 2006)

There's nothing I hate more than a clean sweep in the World Series (except birds). I like the tension to be drawn out as long as possible. I like to be balled up on my sofa watching from between my fingers. I like things to go way past the point of prayer and get deep into bargaining with God territory.

So when the All Star Game's "this time it counts" (like it has every time since 2002, so can we please stop using that slogan already?) came down on the NL's side for once, I said "yay!" because I normally root for the National League team, and this would give them the chance to pull off some last minute fireworks.

And then I realized that team could be the Phillies again, and I said "ugh." But I had faith that the universe would restore the balance to the side of good, and not permit that to happen. And lo, it did not happen. And lo, it was good.

Anyway. I called these "indifferent" picks, and that's really not accurate. There are years when I'm truly indifferent to the outcome of the series, in that I don't like either team playing and I could give a shit who wins.

This year, it's more like. . impartial, maybe? Almost. I've actually come to like both of these teams quite a bit. They're scrappers. They've put together improbable wins over teams most people thought would dominate them. They've both got stunning pitching.

But in the end, I can't not pull for the Giants. They're the National League team. They've got the home field advantage. They're the ones who can write the story the way I most like to see it.

And on top of that: as much as I spent years loathing the Giants for Barry Bonds and being generally sick of them for freequently dominating the NL West and being unable to make that pay off in any significant way, Bobby Thomson died this summer, and I spent the rest of the day listening to Russ Hodges' "Shot Heard Round the World" call and crying intermittently.

And if that's not enough: Brian Wilson's beard, yo. That thing has powers.

Jordan says: Giants in 7
FOX says: Rangers in 6
WaPo says: Rangers in 7


Don't forget that this final round yields 8 points for the correct team and 4 for the correct number of games, so it is still pretty much anybody's game. (Not Beefy Muchacho's. But pretty much anyone else could still pull it out on a fluke) I'll close the comments after game 2, as I have in the previous rounds this season.

Introducing a new holiday

So. Halloween.

In theory, I like Halloween. I like the idea of dressing up. I like the idea of getting to put on another identity. I even like coming up with costume plans.

But in reality. . .I never end up going through with it. It's so much effort. And I am lazy.

How lazy, you ask? So lazy that I have fallen back on my Julie-Newmar-As-Catwoman costume several times in the course of the last decade. Which is fine -- it's a good costume, and it gives you a nice impetus to work out if you know that once a year, there's a solid chance you're going to have to appear in public in a black lycra body suit and cat ears.

But this year, I have to go to a party thrown by friends who've already seen the Julie-Newmar-as-Catwoman costume. Some of them more than once. So I feel like I should come up with something else.

Only. . .I'm lazy. I am so lazy that I have decided to rename the holiday. . .LAZYWEEN.

Which totally sounds like some sort of bad erectile condition. But I digress.

The whole point of Lazyween is that instead of going all out and planning an intricate costume that will require me to find several different elements at different shops, and possibly hem things or rush around last minute to find a must-have accessory (do you KNOW how hard it was to find a wide gold belt two days before Halloween in 2001? It was HARD), we are going to plan a costume that meets both of the following criteria:

1. A brunette, female, pop culture figure, who
2. Wears outfits that can be comprised at least 80% of elements I already have in my wardrobe.

Minimal effort, people. It's all about minimal effort.

So the first option, naturally is Liz Lemon from 30 Rock. Very easy costume.

The hair is just my normal hair, but not blown-dry so I get the natural haphazzard waves going on. Then I wear my glasses, a blazer, some sort of scoopnecked top, jeans, and tennies.

If I get really ambitious, I mock up a bag of chips to look like Sabor de Soledad, or whip up a plate of Cheezy Blasters.

Advantages: Super Easy. Also, wearing my glasses means I don't have to worry about getting my contacts out if I come home drunk.

Disadvantages: People might not realize I'm wearing a costume.

Option Two: Trudy Campbell from Mad Men.

This is appealing because it gives me some options. I can wear one of my vintage cocktail dresses and be Trudy at a party. I can wear one of my vintage shirtwaist dresses and be Trudy at home. I can stick a pillow under my dress, and be pregnant Trudy from Season 4.

Advantages: Super Easy; have excellent selection of vintage clothes on hand.

Disadvantages: As awesome as Trudy is, she's probably not one of the characters who springs first to mind for a lot of people, so I'd spend a lot of time clarifying every time someone said, "oh, you're that one girl from Mad Men, right?" This is especially true if I can't con someone into being Pete, and who would ever want to be Pete? Also, I actually wear vintage clothes a fair bit, so. . .people might not realize I'm wearing a costume.

On a related note, option #3: Annie from Community.

Like Liz Lemon, this is a pretty easy costume. In this case, I straighten my hair and pull the front part back like I did my junior year in High School. And then I wear a sweater and skirt, and carry a backpack.

Advantage: Super Easy.

Disadvantages: no one would know I was wearing a costume. At all.

Really, the key would be to find some way to combine the Trudy costume and the Annie costume, and just go as Alison Brie.

Option 4 is I go as Margene from Big Love. Ginnifer Goodwin has recently topped Katie Holmes as the celebrity I get told I look like -- which strikes me as weird, since they both dated Chris Klein. Apparently I look like someone who would date Chris Klein -- so it seems natural to exploit that and go as one of her characters.

So all I'd really need are some sort of floral print dress, a cardigan, and a sense of earnestness.

Advantages: Super Easy.

Disadvantages: I don't know where one finds a sense of earnestness. Also, I pretty much hate Margene. Also, no one would know I was wearing a costume.

Finally, we come to the one you all probably expected from the get go. Option #5 is I go as Sad Katie Holmes.

(The number of results you get from a google image search for Sad Katie Holmes? Kind of amazing).

So I would just need to wear some kind of vaguely depressed looking clothes, plus giant sunglasses, and carry every bag I own. And then I'd need to find a small brunette child somewhere.

Advantages: Super Easy.

Disadvantages: I don't have any access to any small brunette children.

I am, naturally, open to other suggestions. Or if you can think of something to do with the black bodysuit that's not "Julie-Newmar-as-Catwoman," that'd be good to.

And don't say "Lee-Meriweather-as-Catwoman." I've tried that. I can't pull it off, somehow.

Obligatory Giant Upset Joke Goes Here

Every once in awhile today, I'd find myself smiling for no apparent reason. And I'd think "why am I smiling? I'm sitting in my tiny car, stuck in traffic on 95 going North, I'm behind a Beamer with a gun rack, we're not moving, and I really have to pee."

And then I'd remember. "Oh yeah. The Giants won the NLCS."

And then I'd think "oh yeah. The Phillies aren't going to the World Series."

And thus the gloating and rampant assholery are silenced even earlier this year than they were in 2009.

And we get to enjoy Brian Wilson and his insane beard, which, apparently, is dyed (I knew that couldn't be natural).

So JCD and Vittoria both called the winner and the correct number of games, and another 3 of us (myself, Jeni, and Tyler) called the winner.

Your standings, as we head into the final round:

JCD =14
Vittoria =13
Tyler = 11
Jeni = 10
Steve G. = 9
mighty momogus = 8
FOX = 6
jordanbaker = 6
WaPo = 6
Beefy Muchacho = 0

Well . . .

. . .that was. . . .

. . .that seemed. . .

. . . .that. . . .

So. Who saw that coming?

Let me just admit two things. First, even when I'm technically rooting for the Yankees, there's still part of me that's always a little delighted when they lose. Yes I've softened to them a bit, but they are still the Yankees, and there's just something so.. . satisfying.

Second, I'm super glad I let people who didn't bet the first round come in on the second. Because that means there are people who joined late and bet on the Yankees, and those people have 0 points now. And I am no longer in last place.

So congratulations to Steve G. and Jeni, who get the full 6 points for this round since they guessed Rangers in 6, and to JCD who picked the Rangers.

As for the rest of us. . .there's still the NLCS, right?

Your current rankings:

Steve G. = 9
JCD = 8
mightymomogus =8
Tyler = 7
vittoria = 7
FOX = 6
Jeni = 6
WaPo = 6
jordanbaker = 2
Beefy Muchacho = 0

Project Runway: Home Visits and Italian Opera Freakouts

Michael Costello
Poor sad friendless little elf
His is a rough road.

As they were going into the final commercial break last night, my friends were taking bets on who would be out. Mostly it was who they wanted out – Gretchen, and her off the rack hippie crap – or Andy, who sent a bikini with a hanky on it down the runway.

But I shook my head and said “it’s Michael.” Not because of his designs, and not because of anything the judges said, but because the whole story that this season has been telling is the story that ends with Michael C. leaving right before fashion week.

So it was pretty obvious, and after hearing his stories throughout the website, pretty sad. And his reaction was intense. I am just Italian enough to understand it completely, and just WASPy enough for it to make me totally uncomfortable. But I wish Michael the best – it sounds like he’s got some stuff to work through, but it brings his ability to deal with the Ivys and Gretchens of the world into perspective – no matter what kind of assholes they were, it was only for a few weeks, and it just doesn’t even begin to measure up to what it sounds like he’s been through with his family.

Anyway. Beyond that, I don’t have much to say about this episode (she said, despite the 6 pages of typed evidence to the contrary staring her in the face). It seemed kind of underwhelming for a family visit episode, and plus I had the royal shitstorm from hell to deal with at work yesterday. So let’s just do this thing.

New York! Indeterminate time of day! Parsons! Our four remaining designers are sitting in the runway area. Heidi congratulates them and tells them that while they’ll each be designing a collection, only 3 of them will show at Fashion Week. Now they’re being sent home to work – they’ll have 6 weeks and $9000 to make a 10 piece collection.

Tim enters and says his usual piece about being proud of them, and how he’ll visit them all soon. And then there’s a montage of everyone packing up and talking about their dreams and talent and it’s all just very exactly as you’d expect.

Fast forward to. . . Hawaii! One month later. Tim arrives at Andy’s family’s place, and, leaving his tasteful shoes on the porch, pulls on some waders to be shown around the property. Apparently Andy’s family owns some sort of gigantic cat fish plantation. Who knew? Tim is introduced to the catfish, which Andy says look like “Chinese men.” “I’ve never seen a Chinese man look that unattractive,” Tim says.

They then sit down to a lovely al fresco lunch with Andy’s mom and his friend Jill. In voiceovers and interviews, Andy cries about the struggle that’s led him to this point. Then he hacks open some coconuts so they can have the water with their lunch.

Andy shows Tim his inspiration wall – it’s pretty awesome, and I think the only inspiration wall in Project Runway history to include a picture of the designer’s grandfather on an elephant. Andy’s inspiration is his Laotian heritage, and a lot of his fabric has been hand woven in Laos.

Tim looks over Andy’s sketches because due to the wait for the fabrics, he doesn’t have a whole lot done. Tim gives him some advice, and leaves.

And then we find ourselves in.. . .Palm Springs! 12 days to fashion week. Michael and his partner Richard are deciding how to pack the shoes and accessories. Tim arrives and gasps about how hot it is outside.

They look in on Michael’s collection, which is inspired by feathers and the California sky. We see a pretty but derivative looking dress with a feather skirt, and an interesting fringe top. He’s apparently made 18 looks so far. Tim tells him “it’s like design diarrhea,” and cautions him to stop designing and edit.

They go back to the kitchenette where they’re joined by Michael’s friend Frank and Art, and his son, who’s name we finally learn is not “son” but Giovanni. They talk about who’ll be going to Fashion Week to support Michael. Giovanni won’t be going because he’ll be in school and staying with Michael’s mom.

Richard then tells us he thinks it’s good that Michael’s parents won’t be able to be there, because they haven’t been supportive of him until he was on the show. It gets pretty dramatic. Michael’s trying to say that they’ve tried to be supportive, but only if he lived on their terms, and Richard just goes on and on about how they’re always telling Michael that it’s only a dream and he has no talent. And yikes – apparently Richard outed Michael to his family on February 28, 2007 (my 30th birthday – holla!). Between that and his tendency to air the filthy delicates on national television, I don’t know how I feel about this Richard character.

We go to commercial, and everyone I’m watching with feels the awkwardness of the scene we just saw on TV.

Back! 10 days before Fashion Week. Tim is in Denver to see Mondo. He walks pack what looks like a junkyard dog to Mondo’s house, which has an amazing pink living room. It’s a really cute looking little casita – it kind of makes me miss the ramshackle little adobe place I lived in my senior year in college.

They look at Mondo’s collection. His influences are vintage circuses and the dia de los muertos. It’s a very cool, very Mondo kind of inspiration, and it’s resulted in a graphic black and white collection with a pink jersey thing that Tim thinks is jejune.

We then go to dinner on the patio with Mondo’s parents, sister, and boyfriend Ben. Mondo’s mom Geri talks about how she tried to get him to be more macho as a kid, and his dad says something about “to each his own.” We learn that they blackmailed Mondo into playing baseball as a kid by telling him he could take piano lessons If he did. He plays the piano for Tim, and gives some voiceovers about his experiences growing up. Maybe I cry a bit.

After Denver, Tim’s final stop is Portland, Oregon. Gretchen and her mom are packing up the house to move. Apparently she came back from New York to a relationship that was falling apart and an empty bank account. She gives Tim a sob story about everything crumbling around her, and then he talks about how when his very intense relationship failed, everything falling apart is what gave him the opportunity to move to New York and really start his life.

They see Gretchen’s collection, which is inspired by the West Coast and cultures around the world. Apparently the result of this inspiration is clothes that look like cheap knockoffs of the shit they sell at Chico’s.

I hate Chico’s. I can’t even begin to explain why or how much, but every time I see a woman wearing one of their stupid “ethnic print” jersey dresses paired with one of their giant blazers and their “fun” chunky jewelry, I want to punch her in the face.

Anyway. My Chico’s related angst over. . .Gretchen and her mom and Tim have champagne brunch in the garden. Gretchen talks about how she’s been humbled by the experience, and gives us an ugly, smugly smile.

Commercial.

Back. And we’re back in New York, where it’s Fashion Week! We get a loving, product placement shot of the Hilton. Mondo enters the suite and selects the big room for himself. Then he hides behind the bed and pops out when Michael C. arrives. They hug. Andy comes next – he has some mad long extensions. They pretend to be happy to see Gretchen, who tells us “I just miss everybody! They’re my boys!” It’s almost like she thinks we haven’t seen her bitching and sniping about them for the last three months.

Tim enters the suite to welcome them. They’re happy to see him, but not happy that he’s wielding the famous Project Runway black velvet bag. Mondo tells us that the bag is “always going to be evil, no matter what it is.”

But it’s not evil – it’s a selection of Hilton sponsored vacations to exotic locales! Yay! But what a let down – I was counting on the bag’s usual powers of evil to work themselves.

Next Day! They enter the Piperlime Workspace at the 1407 Broadway Building. Andy has a lot on his mind. Michael is trying to figure out what he needs to do to make his collection cohesive.

Tim enters. He tells them that for their final challenge, they’ll be presenting 3 looks to the judges. Two will be from their collection, and the third must be a look that they make in the next two days. They have 30 minutes to sketch, and then they’ll head to Mood to shop with a $300 budget.

Sketch time. Gretchen plans to make a “more casual” dress. More casual than the line of Chico’s knockoffs she’s produced? Unless it’s made of burlap or sweatshirt material, I don’t know if that’s possible. Andy wants something that’ll be wow. Mondo can’t think of what else to show.

They head out for their sadly Swatchless Mood trip. Michael C. is making a one shouldered dress. Mondo doesn’t know what other silhouettes to do with his collection. Thank you, Mood!

Back to the workroom where they all sew frantically. Mondo hates the dress he’s made. So do I, actually. It looks like a Barbie dress, but not one of the one that comes with the doll – one of the ones from the cheap packets. He feels like this is the end. Commercial.

Back! Workroom! Next day! We get a lingering shot of Mondo’s unwieldy pit hair.

Tim thru! Michael C. hasn’t 100% decided which looks from his collection to show. Tim is worried about him. Michael is worried too, but says it’ll come together.

Tim feels good about Gretchen’s dress, which is, as I predicted, apparently made out of army green burlap sacking. It’s a Chico’s kind of day in Gretchen’s world.

Mondo is surrounded by flotsam and jetsam. He’s made a new dress, though, which Tim loves. I love it too – slap a big belt on that thing and I would wear it to work any day of the week.

Andy has made this insane pleated dress that I really like. Tim thinks he’s in good shape.

Tim tells Mondo, Gretchen, and Andy to “carry on,” and Michael C. “don’t choke.”
Michael is stressed out “ a lot” by Tim’s comments. Mondo tries to reassure him.

Day of Runway show! Gretchen is dressed in some stupid Sluttajawea outfit – it’s like an obscenely short copper colored crushed velvet tunic with way too much turquoise jewelry, and the world’s most unfortunate tights. They fall into every category of tights that I hate – first, in that she’s really wearing them in a situation where her dress is so short it’s a shirt, so she should really be wearing pants or leggings. She’s not. They’re tights. Second, they’re the worst color ever – they’re bordering on a color that could be a “flesh” color, but they’re not her flesh color. So you have a minute of going back and forth thinking “is she bare legged with that gyno dress?” and then realizing she’s not; she’s just wearing the worlds ugliest not-quite-but-nearly-flesh coloured tights.

Tim Gunn comes in and gives them their product placement speech. Their models come in. Andy is falling back in love with his collection. We have a long hair and make up flurry.

Ten minutes to runway. Mondo wants to show at fashion week. He cries a little. Andy can’t screw this up. He cries a little. Gretchen has given up everything. She cries a little. This is what Michael’s always wanted. He doesn’t cry. Commercial.

Back. Runway. Heidi welcomes them back, and babbles for awhile about the well established fact that only 3 of them will move on to Fashion Week (except for in reality, where everyone from Casanova on has moved on to Fashion Week, but whatever. Let's not let actual reality intrude on reality TV reality). The only judges are Kors and Nina, so let’s start the show!

We begin with Andy’s looks. The first is a silver shorts-jumpsuit with ruffles, paired with an interesting headband. Then there’s a metallic bikini with a floaty cover up attached under her boobs. If you think about it, it’s the world’s most self defeating cover up in that it’s beneath her boobs, so they’re not covered, and it’s entirely see-through, so nothing else is covered either. His final look is the amazing green-pleated dress he made in New York (right). It’s super hot – it’s like sexy lizard chic. Anna from V should commission about twelve of them.

Michael C.’s collection is next. His first piece is the new look (left) – a one shouldered draped dress that’s super hot but kind of Dynasty in a way. Then there’s a dress that had a brown feathered skirt and a rose coloured top. Finally, we see the fringe top with some sparkly pants – it’s very Cher. Gretchen chants “bom chicka wah-wah” as it comes down the runway.

Gretchen’s mini-collection opens with the army green snooze of a dress she’s spent the last two days on (right). Then there’s an awful brown jumpsuit thing. Finally, we have a cover-up/vest thing that would be pretty hot if it wasn’t just over a pair of briefs and paired with this really awful hat. Whoever told this woman she was a good stylist should be shot.

Finally, we see Mondo’s looks. First is a black and white blouse with a pair of shorts in a contrasting black and white pattern. Then there’s his new look (left)– a turquoise top with a brown houndstooth skirt. Love it. His final look is this amazing black and white form fitting gown – it’s very 40’s. It’s amazing.

Commercial.

Back. The judges start their critique with Mondo, who explains that he wanted to mix prints and show his screen printing, and play with a neutral dress. Kors loves the skirt on the new outfit and the blouse on the other outfit. He feels like the pieces are very strong. Heidi loves the dress and thinks it’s very elegant. Nina loves the boldness and theatricality of his looks, but thinks the dress walks a fine line and wonders if people will think he’s putting on a circus collection.

Next they speak to Andy, who talks about being inspired by Laos and playing with the idea of structure. They all thought the bikini was his new look, probably because it’s so “what the fuck?” Heidi thinks the green dress is sophisticated and well made. Kors thinks the looks are sharp but romantic. Nina is not convinced about his range. Andy then tries to convince them that the silver dress is a “classy day look.” Nina rolls her eyes. I love that bitch so much.

Kors wants to know if the collection is all about short, decorated clothes. Heidi thinks that the bikini is just a throwaway.

They move to Michael, who wanted to show his ability to make structured pieces. Kors tells him the gown looks effortless. Heidi says the fringe top is her favorite piece. Nina was amazed that he decided to work in all the same colors, and Kors adds that the collection needs to tell a story – having a unifying color is not enough. Heidi calls the feathered dress boxy and bedazzled.

Finally, we speak with Gretchen. She explains her collection, which one of my friends dubs “Safari homeless. Nina says her interest is not piqued, and the collection is very granola and needs a sense of drama. The only thing she likes is the leather cover up. I love it when Nina and I are so exactly on the same page.

Heidi, the tacky bitch, thinks the collection is great and the prints are cool. She’s particularly interested in the grain sack the girl in the 11th look has stapled to her ass. Because what woman doesn’t want a handy ass- sack on the back of her casual day dress.

Anyway, Kors returns us to sanity by pointing out that it doesn’t look expensive, and says that the girl she designs for is someone who doesn’t leave the house after sundown.

The designers go to the greenroom. Michael and Gretchen snuggle a little, like they think we’ll have forgotten the months of them hating each other. Commercial.

We come back to deliberation. Nina is concerned.

They start talking about Gretchen. Heidi, the tacky bitch, likes the outfits, and likes that she knows what she is (granola) and stood by it. Kors says there’s nothing wrong with granola, but it has to be “fashion show granola,” and this isn’t.

Nina loves Mondo’s showmanship, but thinks that he needs a touch of reality. Kors says his styling is a little off.

Kors says Michael’s collection is like “stage costume cocktail wear” and Nina wonders “what was he thinking?” Heidi likes that he’s a great draper who knows what angles look good on a woman’s body, and Nina thinks he needs to feel more confident.

Finally, Nina disses Andy’s “fairy bikini with a cape” and wonders who presents evening wear and a bikini. Kors calls the looks disastrous, and says the green dress was the best thing. Commercial.

Back. Heidi congratulates all of them for making it this far, and says they had a difficult decision.

They tell Mondo they love his showmanship, but warn him not to go too far. He’s in.

Gretchen needs to keep in mind that the clothes are going to be on the runway, and elevate her styling. She’s in.

So it’s down to Andy or Michael. Andy did himself a disservice with the looks he chose. Michael’s monotone color scheme worried them, and they wonder if he has anything new to say.

Andy is in. He hugs Michael C., who cries. He goes back to the greenroom to be hugged by Gretchen and her awful tights, and says he feels bad that Michael didn’t make it.

Heidi tells Michael he should be proud of what he’s done. He cries more. He then goes back to the greenroom and does the very Italian thing where he cries and punches the wall. Bitchahontas hugs him from behind.

Michael wails that he doesn’t know how to tell his parents he didn’t make it, and frets that they’re going to make him move back home and marry a woman again.

Tim comes in and hugs him. He’s hyperventilating. Tim tells him that this is an extraordinary moment for him.

Gretchen shakes her head and says she’s worried about the way he’s reacting, and that his family won’t be supportive. Everyone gives him props for never giving up. That seems to give him the strength to pull it together. He says he learned so much on Project Runway, but especially that friends are hard to find and hard to make, and that it hurts to say goodbye.

Next: FINALE!