To Every VD, There Is A Season

I actually considered forgoing the traditional telling of the Very Syphilitic Thanksgiving story this year. For one thing, last year was the fifth year of telling the story on this blog. Five is such a nice exact number of times to do things that it was tempting to quit just so we quit at five.

For another thing...have you ever tried to find a different way to preface the same story every year? It is not easy, my friends. Not easy.

So I was going to try and tell you a different story, maybe one about the pie I'm making this year, or the fact that my cousin's wife's facebook status just tipped me off to the fact that we'll be dining with the full cadre of her ...colorful relatives.

Delightful people. Charming people. If you imagine hillbillies capable of all out psychological warfare, you'll understand what I'm looking forward to. Does anyone know where I can get a last minute case of the flu?

Anyway, then I forgot to take step-by-step pictures of the pie assembly, and my camera has a low battery, and I realized that there's really not much more to the other story than "they're dreadful people. I shall spend hours today trying to avoid them as we all sit around the same overcrowded table," and that's just not in the holiday spirit.

So the lesson this Thanksgiving, children, is that sometimes you just can't escape syphilis. No matter how hard you try.

Today we celebrate the day when some of my ancestors saved a bunch of damned New England WASPs from starvation, only to be thanked with the tremendous gifts of smallpox and Christianity.

I would like to tell you about the glory days of my people, when apparently they roamed the earth in wagons drawn by impossibly large turkeys. But since I’m only like 1/64th Native American, and hence not really credible when I try to pull off the bitter and disenfranchised routine, I thought I’d tell you a quite different story of Thanksgivings of yore.

Today I'll make my usual Thanksgiving trip down to SoMD to see my redneck relatives. Six years ago, though, I made up a thoroughly implausible story involving a bereaved friend I’d promised to spend Thanksgiving with, and bailed on the whole thing. I made two pies (one pumpkin, one bourbon chocolate pecan), and glutted myself on wine and sausage stuffing at Megarita’s dinner.

The next morning, I woke up with red spots on my hands, feet, knees, and chest.

I’m allergic to very few things in life, but when I have a reaction, it tends to be serious and swift. So I knew from previous experience (with a Sulfa medicine in college) that the spots would soon be followed by nausea, dizziness, difficulty breathing, swelling of the throat, weakening of the joints, blurred vision, and collapsing in a heap in the bathroom. And I knew it was time for a visit to the hospital.

But. . .it was the day after Thanksgiving. Roommate was out of town. Peacock was out of town. Everyone I knew in the city was out of town. I called L and the Fauxiance. Both out of town. So I dressed myself quickly and dragged myself downstairs, planning to head for the train.

Fortunately, the Borg was there. "Yordan," he said, "how was jor Thanksgeeveeng?" Then he did a double take. "Ju have espots on ju."

I asked him to drive me to GW Hospital, and he said “jes.” So he dropped me off at the entrance to the emergency room, where I showed them my "espots." They quickly got me into a little curtained cubby, made me put on a paper gown, and there I sat, waiting.

And waiting.

And. . .waiting.

While I was waiting, I eavesdropped on the woman in the curtain next to me, who apparently had a “tree shaped rash.” “You probably have syphilis,” the doctor told her.

“I don’t have syphilis,” the woman replied.

“Everyone thinks they don’t have syphilis,” the doctor replied, condescendingly.

“No,” the woman said. “I know I don’t have syphilis. I just had a baby; they gave me a syphilis test when I found out I was pregnant. I don’t have syphilis.”

“Oh,” the doctor said, sounding disappointed.

Finally, a med student came in to see me, so in addition to being covered with spots, I now have the indignity of having a doctor younger than me for the first time in my life. His name was Henry, and he had “never seen anything like” my rash before. I tried to explain to him that I, in fact, had—on my own skin, anytime I had an allergic reaction to something.

Henry decided that an MA in English didn’t make me qualified to diagnose my own rash, and went to get his textbook so he could compare my rash to pictures of other rashes.

I waited. It’s probably meningitis, I thought to myself. Every time I’ve been sick in my life, since I was about three years old, people have thought it was meningitis. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the words “It’s either (insert totally benign condition here), or it’s meningitis” (The number of totally benign conditions which are apparently just like the initial stages of meningitis would blow your minds).

It’s never been meningitis yet (touch wood), which means that a) someday, it will be, and b) I now laugh every time a doctor says it might be meningitis—in both a bitter “maybe my number’s up” and a snide “the second time (and all subsequent times since I was three) it’s farce” kind of way.

Henry came back with the Attending, who had been the source of the dire warnings on the other side of the curtain earlier. “What do we have to think when we see a rash on the hands, feet, and knees?” she asked Henry.“Meningitis?” Henry said hopefully. I started laughing--life is so damned predictable sometimes.

The Attending looked at me disapprovingly—galled that anyone could find anything funny about meningitis. “No,” she said. “Syphilis.”

I stopped laughing. “I don’t have syphilis,” I told her.

“Everyone thinks they don’t have syphilis,” she replied condescendingly.

“No,” I told her, “I know everyone thinks they don’t have syphilis. I can’t have syphilis. I’m extremely sexually cautious. I get a full battery of STD tests every September when I go in for my annual, and I’ve only had one sexual partner in the last year. If I have syphilis,” I ended, tears beginning to well up “I am going to need to buy a gun and take the train out to Clarendon post-haste.”

“Test her for syphilis. And meningitis,” the Attending told Henry.

Henry waited until she walked off. “I know I shouldn’t be saying this,” he said, “but you don’t strike me as the sort of person who gets syphilis*.”

I sniffed. “You have good instincts, Henry. You’ll make an excellent doctor someday.”

So I waited some more, until the blood-tech came in to see me. He took my right arm, and found a vein almost right away, which is rare—it’s usually hard for people to find a vein in my right arm. “You’re very good at that,” I told him.

“Thanks,” he said, “it’s my first time.”

I shut my eyes. “You really shouldn’t have told me that,” I replied.

Moments later, he said “oops!” and explained that he’d blown my vein. So he walked off with about a gallon of my blood, and Henry came back and put my feet up, gave me juice, and explained that I had to stay awhile to make sure I wouldn’t pass out on my way home, and that I should call Monday for my blood results.

So I waited.

And waited.

I took Benadryl Friday night, and Saturday morning, the spots were gone. Monday I called the hospital, and they informed me that due to a backlog from the holiday, my bloodwork hadn’t been completed yet and I should call again Tuesday.

Tuesday I called again, and was transferred five or six times before a somewhat sheepish lab administrator explained to me that they’d lost my blood.

I gave him a few choice words about what I thought about a major teaching hospital that could misplace a gallon of blood that some untrained boy candy striper had blown a vein trying to draw.

He waited patiently and told me that I should contact my normal doctor so I could be tested for meningitis and syphilis.

"The rash is gone,” I told him. “It went away the next day. Plus, I looked up syphilis online, and it said that the rash for that would be copper colored. Mine was pink. And I was tested for meningitis when I had a cold earlier in the month. And the spots went away after I took Benadryl, so I think it was just an allergic reaction.”

He then told me in a few choice words what he thought about English teachers who tried to diagnose themselves by using the internets, and reiterated his belief that I should get tested.

So I went into Turtle U’s health center—where they cheerily informed me that they would do the tests for free since as a state employee, I could be a public health risk if I had either of these diseases. Woo-hoo! Talk about your unexpected benefits! My salary bites, but I can get free syph tests whenever I want to! Sign me up, baby! I need to start milking this!

And they drew another gallon of blood, and told me to come back in a week. Long story short (too late!) I didn’t have syphilis or meningitis. The doctors informed me that it had probably been an allergic reaction to something I ate at Thanksgiving.Of course. Why didn’t I think of that? Oh wait. I did. The girl with the pink "espots" and the MA in English figured out what she had days before the staff of George Washington University Hospital or the State of Maryland’s Bureau of Public Health.


Ass bastards.

So today, as you bow your heads and thank whatever higher power you struggle with your tenuous belief in for the bounty s/he has laid before you, take a moment to thank him/her for your health, and to ask him/her not to smite you with spots in the next few days.

Because let me tell you, the day after Thanksgiving, the emergency room staff of most major hospitals are just looking to tell you that you have something more exciting than allergic reaction. Which is exactly what it’ll end up being anyway.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. Don’t get syphilis.

Fashion Show Express Lane Recaplet: Last Minute Pre-Holiday Shopping

Happy Thanksgiving Eve to the two of you who a) haven't left for your holiday shenanigans yet and b) actually give a crap about this show! You are indeed the few, the prou. . . the few.

We all know we have a lot of crap to do this weekend, so let's get this ride going, shall we?

1. In the most predictable opening segment in all of history, we learn that House of Emerald is relieved not to have Calvin on their team anymore. House of Nami is NOT relieved to suddenly have Calvin on their team. And Calvin, having apparently developed an alarming sense of self awareness as he slept, feels like no one likes him.

2. Iman greets them at the Galapagos Art Space and gives them a garbled introduction to the idea of the femme fatale. In her mind, it’s a concept that a) has existed throughout history, and b) includes Mata Hari, “Barbara Stanwyck in Double Indemnity,” and the vampire. To both of those things I can only say: a) not really – the archetype of the dangerous and seductive woman may’ve existed “throughout history” (you’d still fail my class for using that utterly meaningless phrase, though), but the term itself is a twentieth century conceit; and b) yes, hell yes, and LAME. You have all the vast resources of the Bravo Empire at your disposal, and you come up with three examples, and one of them is “the vampire?” Lame. Way to wimp out and ensure that they all default to working with the concept that’s most part of the current pop culture landscape, idiots.

3. Also, I should point out that for awhile I thought Iman was greeting them in character as a femme fatale. But then I realized no. That’s just Iman.

4. Tamara is just sour. She doesn’t want to work with the team. She thinks Cesar is bullheaded. She has a weird exchange with Isaac about whether he wears a bra. She designs for Mary J. Blige (not a femme fatale. . .as far as we know) instead of a disco vampire like the rest of her group. By the end of the episode it’s a relief to see her go just so we won’t have to put up with that awful “I’m in my early 20’s and I KNOW EVERYTHING” stank anymore.

5. Calvin explains that he’s designing for Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct “but evil as it could be.” His new team is actually impressed with his work and the fact that he doesn’t demonstrate as much bitchassedness in this episode as he has in the previous two. Cesar, on the other hand, irks his new group by being unable to stop himself from crossing the room to help out his old group.

6. Emerald’s fashion show theme is “goth vampire going to the disco.” As utterly lame as that is, it’s entirely appropriate to what they produce. Their clothes are a lot of garish, tatty wreckage that looks like it was made as a Home-Ec project (do they still have Home Ec?) by some girl who’d rather be shopping at Hot Topic. Golnessa’s tight mess is particularly egregious with its ripped lace and tacky ass cut outs.

7. Calvin tells make up to make his girl “shiny and slutty and evil.” Rolando tells him he just described himself.

8. The winning team, almost inevitably, is House of Nami with their ‘40s vampire theme. “It like Christmas all over again,” Calvin tells us. But don’t unwrap your presents so fast, Calvin, because. . .

9. . . .Eduardo is the individual winner, again, even though Isaac pretty much calls him out for doing the same dress week after week and challenges him to think outside the next box next time. Eduardo ALSO has to nominate a member of his team to be up for elimination with House of Emerald. He nominates Calvin, of course. Isaac then cements his position as Speaker of Truths by pointing out that this isn’t the best call for the team, and that some people on House of Nami are getting a free ride.

10. Iman is en fuego during the critique. She tells Tamara that her outfit doesn’t conjure the femme fatale (or, for that matter, Mary J. Blige), “ what eet conjoors is a SWASH buckler.” She also tells her “I CREENGED when I saw that.”

Then, when Isaac tries to make it sound like Golnessa’s awful, awful dress was a near miss (lost that truth teller job pretty quick there, didn’t you Mizrahi?), she dismisses him, saying her 9 year old daughter could’ve made it. Dita Von Teese tries to get in on the action by telling Jeffery that the top of his dress looks like “Dracula is going to work out,” but she just can’t measure up to Iman, who closes out the critique by telling Cesar he went down to House of Emerald’s level instead of elevating them to where his previous work had been.

She continues her hot streak with the “you can stay/step forward” portion of events, telling Calvin “your problem as a designer is your problem as a person. You don’t know how to edit.” To Cesar, she flatly says “you made a terrible dress, and hid it behind a worse cape. You can stay.”
OUCH. If Iman said that to me, I’d ask “actually, can I please leave? Please?”

11. Ultimately, Sour Tamara and Sad Golnessa are lured to step forward onto the trick floor, and Tamara is dropped through the trap door to the waiting pit of sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads. She leaves as snotty and wrongfully self assured as she played the game.

12. Calvin tearfully asks if he can go instead of her. Iman and Isaac tell him it’s better if he stays and tries to compete. You can take that as a sign that they're starting to believe in his talent, or one of this show’s unwavering commitment to sadism. I know which one I vote for.

Oh, now that's just sad. . .

This was in my inbox a few mornings ago: You shouldn't beg like that, Sandra. You should never beg. No matter how much you may want someone back, it's best just to let them go. If it's meant to be, they'll be back; if it's not, they won't. Either way, it's better not to sacrifice your dignity.

Top Chef Just Desserts: Congratumalations, Yigit.

Stupid date story
Leads to a win for Yigit
First Top Dessert Chef

Oh dears. I. Am. Underwhelmed. For a number of reasons.

First, I don’t love a Yigit win. He was part of “Team Go Diva,” and no one who was part of a bunch of asscraters who gave themselves a collective nickname should ever have that behavior rewarded. Also, about halfway through the season – really, immediately when the camera started focusing on him for more than two seconds in each episode -- he started seeming kind of loathsome and arrogant, and he never really rebounded from that. And there were several times during the course of the season when I thought he should’ve gone home, and probably WOULD’VE if Johnny, Gail, and that useless bint from Daily Candy didn’t all have such a mad crush on him. And it was just so predictable.

Second. If we’re talking about the season altogether, Morgan was the much more consistent chef, winning an insane number of challenges. Yes, he kind of imploded last night – it seemed like a Season 4 Richard Blais situation, where one of the two front runners flubbed in a big way, so the choice became between the other front runner (who, like Stephanie, has the added advantage of being a Top Chef winning “first”), or the also ran who kind of backed into the finale, tripping over her own feet along the way.

But on that note: I really think Danielle did AMAZINGLY well last night. Just based on the judges feedback and the descriptions and appearance of the food, she took two out of four courses last night in my book.

But it’s also hard to tell about that, not just for the usual reasons of not actually being able to taste the food (curse you, technology, for not yet having come up with taste-o-vision. You could solve so many Top Chef questions and keep me from making so many dubious recipes just because “it looked good on Food Network”), but because the editing was so fekakta. Except for Morgan’s soufflés, we didn’t really see them say much in the way of negative criticism about anyone’s courses – it really seemed like they were choosing the best among winners.

Maybe if they’d spent more time on the critique and less time on the “OMG, Morgan is a DICK” storyline and more on the critiques, we would’ve gotten a more nuanced picture of what the chefs put out. But CLEARLY what mattered last night was proving that Morgan was a virulent homophobe and a bad, bad man. Women hate him! Men hate him! His celebrity sous chef hates him! He leaves the air conditioning on! And then there’s this:

. . .from Gail’s twitter feed last night. Understand, people? Morgan is a DICK. At least FIVE PEOPLE had problems with him in the course of the season. THAT’S what matters, people! He’s a DICK! Don’t be distracted by things like the fact that he seems the most skilled and capable – you should be happy he lost because he’s NOT A GOOD GUY, which is, after all the most important factor in a pastry chef competition.

Sorry. The heavy handedness of it all just bugged the shit out of me. Let’s find out how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of this season, shall we?

Morning! Los Angeles! Top Chef Just Desserts Loft. Danielle pours herself some fiber cereal (not in the bathroom this time), and Yigit and Morgan get in some quality shirtless time. Yigit says he’s had some good days and some bad days. Morgan is happy that Zac left because he’s “an annoying little fairy” who “threw me under the bus last challenge.”

ACK. You know, Crazy Eyes Morgan, I want to believe that you’re just an insecure straight guy who’s secretly nice but feels the need to be SUPER HETERO because you’re a pastry chef, and not actually a virulent homophobe. And on the one hand, we have this interview where you say the world’s sweetest things about Eric. And on the other hand, we have “annoying little fairy.”

Which. ..in all fairness, if ever a man deserved to be called an annoying little fairy, it would be Zac, what with his annoyingness and his tendency to flit and all. But dude. Why?

Ok. Back to the show. Danielle wants to win so she can have money for her online dessert company that she just started.

They head to the Just Desserts Kitchen. Gail awaits them in “a fierce black dress that matches her shoes” per Yigit.

She tells them that for their final challenge, they’ll each create a progressive 4 course dessert tasting for twelve diners. Morgan doesn’t believe it’s that simple, but Gail tells them to go back to the loft and change, because they’ll be going to a special event. Danielle says she’s seen every Top Chef and knows all the twists, and she is hoping their “mommies are there.”

They go to the Edison. No mommies, but Johnny is there having a cocktail. He asks ‘who were you expecting, your mothers?” HAH. Priceless. So they all order a cocktail, and Johnny tries to relate to them with stories about how hard it was to be a young cook. They have some desserts. Yigit thinks they’re pretty schnazzy desserts for a cocktail bar, and Johnny suggests they meet the chefs who made them.

And out come. . .Elizabeth Falkner, Claudia Fleming, and Sherry Yard. “Every single one of you is on a shelf in my house,” Creepy Eyes Morgan says even more creepily than usual. Of all the disturbing things we’ve learned about Morgan during the course of this competition, the fact that he has some sort of celebrity chef altar set up in his house where he makes nightly offerings to pictures of lady chefs. I mean, who does that shit?



Fuck you. Fuck you all. I’ve told you before – that’s an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT THING.

Anyway. The celebrilady chefs will be the cheftestants sous chefs for the event. Love it – it’s always my favorite when they get famous help instead of just the top or bottom group of past competitors. Danielle tells us “that’s like being a director and having Steven Spielberg, Ron Howard, and Martin Scorcese like ‘oh they’re going to help you direct your next movie.”

So they draw cookies to see who gets who. Yigit gets Sherry Yard. Danielle gets Elizabeth Falkner, and Morgan gets Claudia Fleming. Commercial.

Back! Next day! Loft again. Danielle eats more Fiber cereal – it looks to be Kashi Go Lean with the brand name taped over. Morgan says that having a celebrity sous chef gives him a whole new challenge to overcome. “Will she approve? Or will she think I’m just some ass clown who doesn’t belong here?”

Kudos on the use of “ass clown,” Cray-cray.

Yigit is irritated at Morgan for leaving the air conditioner on when he knew Yigit had a cold. This is the dumbest fight in Top Chef history. Yigit says something about praying to Buddha and letting it go. Maybe you should’ve thought about that before you whined to the camera, princess.
Albertsons. They have 45 minutes and $400. Danielle is looking for black licorice. She knows no one thought she’d be in the final three. She reminisces about how she and Morgan were in the bottom for the first elimination, and now they’re in the final.

Back at the Just Desserts Kitchen, they have 7 hours to cook. Their sous chefs await them. Yigit is worried that Morgan is working with Claudia Fleming because she’s calm and stoic and Morgan – in case you hadn’t caught on to the theme of the episode -- can be a dick. Danielle is excited to be working with Elizabeth, but finds it intimidating. She puts her to work shelling millions of pistachios. Morgan thinks she’s an idiot for wasting Elizabeth Falkner on pistachios. Yigit and Sherry dance like idiots. Sherry has made up a dance she calls “getting’ Yig-ee with it.” Way to be timely, Sherry Yard.

Morgan is making an ambitious German cake so people don’t criticize him for playing it safe again.

Enter Johnny for the Iuzzini thru. He starts with Danielle, who explains the progression of her dishes to him. He seems skeptical about her “ice cream sampler.” Yigit is thrilled, and explains his “clever menu” to Johnny. Morgan explains his “primary colors. Light” theme. Yigit thinks the concept is silly (please bear this in mind when you get to the part where they all describe their food -- Yigit thought someone's theme was silly. It's like the pot calling the kettle silly) and will make things too difficult for him. Johnny hopes he can do it in a way that sets him apart from the other chefs.

Johnny leaves. Morgan and Claudia have some communication problems, which Claudia chalks up to her being “old school” and “not using all the chemicals.”

One hour. Yigit tells Sherry he smells “$100,000 and a dinner for you and I very soon.” Time! They all hug their celebrity sous chefs except Morgan, because the editors are determined to hit us over the head with this “everyone hates Morgan” thing so that we’re not upset when he loses despite having won a stunning number of challenges and clearly being the most talented chef there (even if he is, possibly, a virulent homophobe, which I still don’t 100% buy).

Loft. Yigit wants to decompress and have “some alcohol and some food.” Morgan calls his son. Oh Morgan. Never call your family. Stupid. He interviews about how he hopes this contest will give him the opportunity to change to a work situation where he’s free to spend more time with his son. And he cries, crazy tears from his Crazy Eyes. Commercial.

Back. Loft. Next morning. They all put on their Just Desserts jackets for the last time. Yigit talks about how his dad supported him in going into cooking, and then passed away from lung cancer. Aw. Nice last minute attempt to make him seem likeable again, Bravo.

Kitchen. But their sous chefs aren’t there – it’s their former competitors. Not Seth though. Seth has been entirely erased from the ranks of Dessertestants. They’re hoping we forget Seth, kind of. They’d like us to remember him enough to think of the show as dramatic and insane, but not enough to remember that it was actually clinically insane in a way that put the judges and the other competitors in jeopardy.

Anyway, Gail tells them that the celebrity sous will now be among the diners; their ex-competitors will be their new sous. Morgan doesn’t want to work with Zac, and would punch him if he could do so without getting thrown off. Oh, Morgan. Why can’t this just be incredibly facile, like Glee, and you can force-kiss him because you secretly love him and then threaten him with death a week later in the midst of some nonsensical B plot about tater tots?

They draw cookies. Yigit gets Tim. Danielle gets Tanya. And Morgan gets. . .Heather Horrible. Oh, good times. He reminds us that he doesn’t trust her and will have to keep his eye on her. The other five will be joining them as diners – so there’ll actually be 17 diners, not twelve.

Food flurry. Three hours. Heather H talks about how she vowed she’d never work with Morgan again and has absolutely no respect for him. She hopes he doesn’t win. That’s a great, winning, professional attitude, you flat faced bitchcow.

Danielle is doing a cheese element for her first course because she didn’t want to do four all –sweet courses. I think that’s a good plan.

Yigit says a lot of things about ratios and jellies and Morgan having trouble and wonders why he’s not asking Heather for help. Well, duh. Because she’s in your pocket, stupid. If he asked her for help, she’d probably mix jarred jelly into it and pretend that’s what she thought he wanted.

The diners enter, get a drink, and sit. Hey, there’s Susan Feniger! I love her!

Claudia Fleming talks to James Oseland about how much she hates Morgan, and how he’s a “typical male pastry chef.” So a) that’s a healthy attitude you got there, Flemming. And B) OK, EDITORS, WE GET IT. Morgan is BAD. He’s a virulent homophobe and all women hate him, and we should just IGNORE the fact that he’s been streets ahead of the rest of the chefs for most of the competition and work REALLY REALLY HARD at hating him and his crazy eyes and his Ken doll hair.

You don’t have to underline it anymore. We get the picture, ok?

The chefs enter to present their first courses. Yigit tells us his Cucumber Lime Sorbet with Straus Yogurt Caviar Pearl is the first step in a dance through his palate. Oh, barf. Morgan explains his Passion Fruit Cannoli with Mango Carpaccio, Fluid Gel & Tarragon Jelly. And Danielle presents her Hazelnut Cake with Spanish Goat Cheese & Fig Jam, (at left) which sounds like the best of the lot to me, but then I’m a sucker for goat cheese.

Johnny thinks Morgan’s dish is aesthetically appealing, and Feniger likes the tarragon gel. Daily Candy Girl enjoys Yigit’s bright flavors. Elizabeth Falkner enjoyed working with Danielle and thinks her dish is successful. Feniger thinks the flavors are nice together, and Johnny compliments the amount of work she put into it. The cheftestant diners think the “little seeds” from her figs are a total turn on.

Back in the kitchen, Morgan is having issues with his second dish. They bring out their courses. Yigit’s stupid dance through the music of ridiculous metaphors continues with Strawberry Sorbet & Lemongrass Ginger Ice Cream with Berry Meringue & Consommé (right). Morgan’s dish is a Blueberry Pavlova with Lemon Cream in Citrus Chamomile Broth & Pearls. Danielle has made a Lemon Parfait, Pomelo & Tangerine Sorbet & Moscato Granita.

Claudia enjoys the restraint of Yigit’s dish, and Suzanne Goin likes how it’s a deconstructed take on a traditional dish. Johnny loves the citrus in Danielle’s and Susan Feniger thinks her dessert makes the most sense. Claudia thinks Morgan nailed the softness in his pavlova.

Back in the kitchen, Morgan’s soufflés are falling apart, but Heather keeps reassuring him, picking the best looking ones out so that those can go directly to the judges. He compliments her on putting her head down like a professional and coming up with the best possible solution.

Editors, you’re slipping. You’re supposed to show Morgan calling Heather Horrible a skillet faced C-word, and claiming it’s all her fault because her flat, horrible face made the soufflés fall. How are we supposed to understand how AWFUL he is if you show him acting gracious and professional?

The judges, however, are sitting next to people whose soufflés fall apart. Solution fail.

Yigit introduces his third dish “well, now that we’ve had a gimlet, had a few kisses in the park, I wanted us to really start the romance and the passion.” Oh, BARF. If I was the sort of person who used “gay” in the pejorative sense, I’d use it here, because the stupid fucking dessert as love affair storyline he’s weaving just is. Anyway, he’s made a Muscovado Braised Pineapple & Coconut Cake. Morgan has made a Manjari Soufflé Cake with Raspberry Sorbet & Cocoa Nib Paper. And Danielle has her Ice Cream Sampler, which is a Baked Alaska, Strawberry Sundae & Root Beer Float (left).

Susan Feniger thinks Yigit’s dessert would be great at her restaurant. There’s a lot of comparison about who’s soufflé survived and whose didn’t on Morgan’s dish. Oseland says “thank GOD for Danielle’s baked Alaska.” Feniger loves the concept. Johnny thinks she’s incorporated texture really well.

Back in the kitchen, the chefs prepare for the final course. Daily Candy Girl meeps “this is the last thing we’re going to taste in this entire competition.” Jesus. As inane and useless as she is normally, her tone right now kicks that up to 11. She sounds like the dumb girl from the popular crowd who’s all broken up about graduating from high school, because “nothing will ever be the same, and nothing will ever be as awesome!” You might as well cue up “It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday” in the background.

(true story: I only know the part of that song that goes “and I’ll take with me the memories/to be my sunshine after the rain” because the alto part in the arrangement we had was all “ooooohs” and “it’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday”s except for that verse)

Yigit continues his bullshit lovestory theme by explaining that “love ends with chocolate.” BLEAH. So he’s made a Hazelnut Dacquoise, Milk Jam & Salted Caramel Ice Cream. Morgan’s is a White Pepper Crème Brûlée, Black Pepper Baumkuchen & Blackberry Anise Macaron (right). And Danielle ends with a Chocolate Pudding Cake with Pistachio Ice Cream.

Oseland thinks Yigit’s cake is ‘pretty brilliant.” Claudia and Gail love the Milk Jam, and Danielle’s Honey Candy. Feniger finds Danielle’s chocolate course lacking something. Oseland says it’s not visually elegant, but it tastes “so damn good.” They all seem to love the combination on Morgan’s, and they’re impressed by how beautifully his brulee cracks. Eric calls it a masterpiece.

The cheftestants all come out and take their final bows and do a last reflection on how awesome winning would be. They go back to the back and hug their sous chefs. Morgan cracks open a bottle of champagne for them all. He’s nervous, but he thinks his competitors food was boring. Commercial.

Fakeback. Danielle says the competition has been a rollercoaster. Yigit says it’s like “falling in love, getting married and giving birth to a child all at the same time.” Morgan says it’s been an incredible journey.

Back. Judges Table. The three final cheftestants enter the judging room. Gail reminds them of what the prizes are.

Morgan says he cooked some of the best food he made in his life. Yigit felt really good about his food. Danielle liked the way everything tasted.

Danielle talks about her ice cream. Johnny says she harnessed the beautiful qualities of lavender. Daily Candy girl loved the root beer, and Gail enjoyed the honey candy. Johnny disliked the pulled sugar on the pudding cake because it didn’t do anything to the flavor. Keller loved the flavor of the cake and the pistachio ice cream.

Daily Candy loved his stupid date metaphor. Gail asked why he chose to have the waiters pour the consommé at the table. Johnny points out that they served it wrong. Daily Candy girl gushes breathily again about his third course, and Johnny liked the bright pineapple flavor.

Gail asked what happened to Morgan’s soufflé. Daily Candy loved the contrasts, even though it had fallen over. They all rave about the baumkuchen again. Johnny calls him out for making a macaroon again, but adds that at least he makes a “hell of a macaroon.”

They mercifully send the contestants back to the pudding room without asking why they each think they deserve to win. Good call, both because I'm burned out on ranting about why that's the dumbest part of every competition, and because I'm sure someone's answer would've been "I deserve it because Morgan is a DICK." And then I would've shot my TV, like Elvis or that Dancing With the Stars fan in Wisconsin.

Deliberation. Keller thought they all did a good job with the progression. Daily Candy girl exhales some more love for Yigit’s stupid date metaphor. Keller thinks he showed a good repertoire. Johnny thinks Danielle has shown them so much in the last few challenges, and thinks she did the best job planning her courses. Gail loved the baked Alaska, and Daily Candy Girl loved the fourth course. Gail thinks Morgan went all out, and Keller thought his first course was visually the most attractive. Daily Candy Girl loved the way the flavors in the soufflé course came together, and Johnny thinks he’s the best technician.

Gail thinks they all did a good job with the progressions, and it comes down to the mistakes they made along the way. Commercial.

Back. Gail commends them on all having worked hard to get there. Johnny tells them they’re all proud to have been part of the competition with them.

He tells Danielle she picked the right time to hit her stride. Yigit finally found his balance. Morgan’s drive makes him a great pastry chef.

Gail tells. . .Yigit he’s the first winner of Top Chef Just Desserts. Morgan congratulates him. He hugs Danielle, and then hugs Morgan. Yep, that’s a virulent homophobe right there, hugging the crap out of that tiny little super fey gay man. What a dick Morgan is, amirite? Yigit says being the winner feels awesome, and there are no words to describe how awesome it feels.

Zac runs in and makes a screaming fool of himself congratulating his ass buddy (and that’s not a gay thing – that was just the worst insult we had in my little group of girls in college. If you got too all up into your friendship with one person, you were their ass budy. Aside from 19 year old girls, no one is capable of ass-budy-ship the way these two idiots are).

Morgan says he’s proud of Yigit, and there’s no one in the competition he feels better about losing to. What. A. Dick. Yigit thinks his father would be very proud of him at this moment.

Anyway. And that’s all they wrote for Season One of Top Chef Just Desserts. To me, at least, it was a clunky let down of an ending to a show that showed a lot of promise at the start. But anyway, I’ll see some of you for All Stars in a couple of weeks, and one or two of you next week for The Fashion Show. And I hope you all turn out next Thursday for our annual celebration of . . .syphilis. Because that seems like a good way to follow up on a personal ooze like Yigit winning.

The Fashion Show Express Lane Recaplet: the two-for-one price is not valid at thisi location

Good morning, capillaries. Are you well rested? Did you get your full night’s sleep? Did your cat actually let you snooze until 5:30 instead of waking you up at 3 to play her favorite game “I’m going to knock everything off of the bedside table, and you’re going to try and stop me, and then I’ll eat your hand?”

Mine did. I’m so proud. This must be the way my friends with kids feel when their infant sleeps through the night for the first time. Except furrier. And I’ll never have to pay for college for her.

(unrelated: this is a stupid thing to be thrilled about, but when I was checking some layout related stuff this morning, the ad after the top entry was for comida Kraft, which is Kraft Foods en espanol. I don't know why, but seeing ¡Contigo en una Vida Deliciosa! on my garish pink page made me super happy)

Anyway. Have you counted the items in your cart? Are you sure you’re not going to be that person trying to sneak through 16 items? The one who gets the side eye from the cashier as she says “ma’am, you got too many items here?” The one EVERYONE HATES?

Good, then. Let’s do it.

1. Look at her. Look at that insane super-villainess outfit. I’m pretty much convinced that she made that shrug after killing and skinning Francine last week. Next episode, she’ll wear Mike’s hat with his bloody scalp still attached.

2. They’re tasked to go to one of those “Bodies” exhibits with the plasticized corpses to get their inspiration for a dress that’s based on the outside of the female body. Naturally, the straight guy is “inspired by female genitalia” because it “has a lot of folds. I love the vagina,” he tells us, and then he giggles. Dude, machismo FAIL. If you have to do the reality show of announcing your heterosexuality at every possible opportunity, then at least do it right. Don’t giggle.

3. I’m beginning to wonder if the mystery of Cesar’s grill is that he’s had corrective procedures for a harelip?

4. Mike, continuing in the proud tradition of all hat wearing guys on these shows to be lunatics and/or douchebags (see also: Bowler Wearing Jason, PR8; Fedora Wearing Spike, TC 4; Fedora Wearing Brian, TC 3), is apparently a lunatic AND a douchebag. For the douchebag portion of events, he spends the first half of the episode insulting his teammates and being the only one on Team Nami to not walk around in a perpetual state of happiness and well being. For the lunatic element, he had a breakdown about his work, and then left. Good riddance, as the other Nami-ans said.

5. This Stefan person? The Fashion Show’s fashion show producer? He needs to be a bigger part of the show. There are two reasons for this. First, he’s one of the elements that most sets the show apart from Project Runway. I’d really like to see the fashion show production and storyline aspects played up.

Second, he’s awesome. The look he gave House of Emerald after saying “so 3 wanted it and 2 didn’t?” about the face-tulle situation was AMAZING. I didn’t realize you could say “don’t you idiots understand the concept of majority rule? Can you not do math? Are you that backward?” in a single, split second glance. But Stefan did. And it was amazing. Best moment of the night (close runner up was Isaac delicately calling Emerald Syx out for how stupid their name was now that there were only five of them).

6. Part of the challenge was to have a reversible element in their designs. Calvin’s adaptable parts are the only ones that really impress – most of them took “reverse” literally and made a red vest that turned into. . .a red vest. That’s nothing. But a gown with a jacket that turns into a cocktail length dress with a cape and a backpack? THAT, my friends, is a transformation.

He’s still a massive dick, but at least he DID something with the challenge.

7. Sentences I thought I’d never write: “the vagina dress is way too literal.”

8. Iman on Calvin’s dress: “Dad draiss haz moar treecks dan a hookair.”

9. House of Nami wins for the second week in a row, and it’s well deserved – Emerald Syx had two good dresses and a bunch of tacky, shiny, crap that looked like it was made from the same material as my 1993-94 high school Jazz Choir dress. Individually, Eduardo wins the show for the week. I would’ve given it to Cesar, but I’m a whore for fringe. And Eduardo’s was a very close second. Also, I don’t know if I mentioned this last week, but the winners apparently get an extra hour of work time for the following week (Cesar must have used that time to whip out the sixth look after Mike left) and an extra $500 for materials if they make the final.

10. Iman tells Calvin that even though his look is strong “you are stubborn. You are a deektator.” I fully expect her to follow up by saying “Congratulations. You are still in the running to be America’s Next Top Fascist.”

11. Then because Mike and his hat quit and they can’t afford to axe two designers in a single episode since they only started with 12 and will quickly be out of cast members if they did, Iman calls team Nami out on the runway and tells them “you have prove yourself able to roll with the punches. Brace yourself for another one.”

And then she sticks Calvin on their team. Lady, that is not just a punch – that is a NUT PUNCH. And on top of that, Cesar is the one who volunteers to go over to House of Emerald in his place. So they’ve lost their calm center, the guy they all trusted as a de facto leader, and gained a guy who keeps screaming things about how he doesn’t want to work on a team, calling his teammates evil, and yelling at everyone to fuck off in mangled English. Yes. That should work out well.

Top Chef Just Desserts: Caketastrophes and Adorable Senior Citizens

Zac, twee little elf
Walks down the disco dust trail
What was with that cake?

I’m torn, my little Weinstocks.

I’ve liked Zac through most of the competition, and I’m sure I’ll continue to like him when he reappears for whatever weird iterations his inevitable reality tv career takes on next.

Last night, though.. . I didn’t like him. I didn’t like Morgan. I gave up on Yigit weeks ago. The only contestant I could stand last night was Danielle – and yes, I know she has no chance of winning, which may perversely play into why I like her so much, but I also don’t think she’s anywhere near as bad or inept as the other chefs keep insisting she is.

Anyway. Between Morgan being a ragey, crazy eyed, totally agro casual homophobe and Zac being his twee bitchy little self in his continued pursuit of the title of Gayest Bravo Reality Personality in the History of Bravo Reality Programming, Ever, and Yigit being. .. Yigit, there were a scant few things I enjoyed about the episode. Let’s count them:

1. Ben
2. Sylvia!!!
3. Danielle
4. Baseball Truffle
5. Cake
6. Hubert Keller
7. Sylvia!!!!!

So au revoir, Zac. I won’t miss you for awhile, but I’m sure that someday I’ll look back at one of the earlier episodes and go “aw, he was such a sweet little thing,” my mind having completely obliterated the fact that you morphed into a Mean Girl Douchebag as the competition rolled onward.

Let’s just do this.

Morning! Los Angeles! Top Chef Just Desserts Loft. Yigit has a bad feeling about the day because of the “bump in the road” he had last challenge. So he walks around the loft shaving to get over it. Between this and Seth’s kitchen shave and Danielle’s bathroom cereal, I’m beginning to think pastry chefs are secretly a bunch of disgustoids. Anyway, he says he really wants to win because there’s never been a chef from San Francisco or a gay chef who won. Which. . .I’m stunned, but he’s right on that. Seems so impossible. And yet. . .

Morgan, in the meantime, feels lonely, because he misses his friends and son. He thinks the other three are allied against him. Odd, since two challenges ago it was three against three, and one of his three is still here, and she hated “Team Go Diva” as much as he did, so you’d think it would be two against two. Anyway, he thinks they’re all selfish brats, so it’ll feel great to beat them.

Quickfire! They enter the kitchen to find a shitload of chocolate and Francois Payard, who is apparently Morgan’s old boss in addition to being a James Beard winner. Zac is “scared out of my pants” to cook for him.

Gail reminds them that this is the last round before the finale, and blah blah Godiva blah blah product placement. So their challenge is to tell their life story through a box of Godiva chocolates

WHAT.

I don’t know about this, people. I love the “life’s journey” challenge on Masters, but representing your life. . .in chocolate. . .it just sounds like.. . .

WHAT.

Ugh. I know, I know. I should ignore the ridiculousness of it. It’s corporate sponsored bullshit, I’ll get over it. Sigh. They have to make four chocolates that tell the story of four different moments in their lives. One must be their “golden moment,” the moment they cherish above all others. $5 says Morgan picks the birth of his son as his.

Oh, and the winning chef’s chocolate story will have a piece based on it and be sold in stores nationwide. They have two hours.

Food flurry. Zac is making each of his truffles represent a different person in his life. Yigit is worried because proper bon bon technique generally takes a couple of days, not a couple of hours. Morgan doesn’t want to disappoint his old boss, whom he worked for in Brazil, where he met his wife. He says the defining moment in his life was his marriage, which didn’t work out, so the truffle that represents that will be bittersweet.

One of Danielle’s bon bons is shaped like a baseball to represent her bond with her dad over their love of baseball. I like her more with every passing week. Morgan says his “golden moment” truffle is in honor of the birth of his son. Called it. His son’s name is Dorian Zen, which means “the golden gift of peace.” Funny – I thought it meant “my yuppie parents gave me an asshole name.” His truffle will incorporate green tea for the Zen aspect. Yigit is signifying the moment he fell in love with his boyfriend, with flavors based on the almond croissants they shared when they met.

Zac’s golden moment is about his parents and their 35th anniversary, and uses dark chocolate for his mom and pretzels for his dad. YUM. Danielle’s golden moment is when she started her business, which has had some challenges, so she’s making a “Rocky Road.” Zac thinks Danielle’s truffles are “ridiculous.” He doesn’t get her because she looks like a cartoon character “and that what she cooks like.” Then he caps it off with this bit of douchery: “Danielle, you can’t cook. You look like Marilyn Manson. Please go home.”

Dick.

Fifteen minutes. Morgan can’t find a piping bag. Then he gives a crazy eyed interview about how Zac is hoarding piping bags, and drops about 90 eff bombs. Yigit’s truffles don’t mold correctly.

Already I pretty much hate everyone but Danielle in this episode.

Five minutes. Zac is using the blast freezer to speed up the contraction of the chocolate. Yigit’s strawberry ganache isn’t coming together. Time! Commercial.

Back. Gail and Payard begin tasting the truffles, starting with Zac’s his first represents his childhood, with a Peanut Butter & Wild Blueberry Milk Chocolate Bonbon. Next is a Rolled Truffle with Green Tea & Lemon, which represents his best friend who always throws her lemon into his tea at brunch (oooooooookay), and another friend is represented by a White Chocolate with Lemongrass, Lime & Ginger Filling. His “golden moment” is the Dark Chocolate Ganache with Pretzel & Feuilletine representing his parents’ 35th anniversary. Payard thinks the one representing his best friend is “too flat,” but the parents one is ‘very interesting.”

Danielle is next with her Coconut Ganache with Pineapple Jam, which is inspired by her family vacations to Hawaii. Next is her Milk Chocolate with Roasted Banana Filling inspired by her niece Hannah, and her dad/baseball inspired Milk Chocolate with Caramel Corn & Peanuts. Oh, I would eat the hell out of that. Her “golden moment” is the Almond & Marshmallow Milk Chocolate Nougat inspired by starting her business. There’s too much milk chocolate involved in this selection, but otherwise it sounds good. Payard likes the playfulness of the baseball truffle, and Gail says “it tastes like a baseball stadium. In a good way.”

Morgan is next, and presents his truffles, beginning with a Passion Fruit & Milk Chocolate Bonbon that represents his time in culinary school and discovering his passion for pastry. The Acai Rose Water Jelly on Top of a Bittersweet Ganache represents his marriage, which didn’t work out. The “golden moment” truffle is a Green Tea & White Chocolate Butter Ganache inspired by his son. Finally, his Mendiant with Rocher Filling represents Top Chef, because there are “two plates of pressure crushing my soul.” Yeesh. Danielle points out what a dumb thing that is to say given that Morgan wins ALL THE TIME. I guess the pressure of success is just grinding the hell out of him.

Finally we come to Yigit, who explains that he can only present three truffles because his strawberry ganache didn’t hold up. He presents his Milk & Dark Chocolate Ganache with Apricot Pate de Fruit, which represents moving from Turkey to America. His Coconut Milk & Chai Tea Bonbon represents his discovery of Buddhism. Finally, his “golden moment” is the Almond Praline & Caramelized Honey Ganache inspired by his boyfriend. Payard likes the boyfriend truffle. Morgan thinks Yigit’s falling apart.

Payard begins his response. Yigit can’t be judged because he didn’t finish. Zac’s was much more sweet and he “weesh to have stronger flavor behind.” Danielle’s flavors were interesting, and Morgan’s were nice looking, but the green tea was too sweet.

And the winner is. . .Morgan. Danielle is annoyed to have someone win who’s so “rrrr. Bah Humbug. Really?” As incoherent as that was, it was an exact quotation, and it makes perfect sense.

The chocolate that will be available in stores will be the Top Chef truffle. Danielle hopes they put a picture of Morgan’s grumpy face on the box.

Gail explains the elimination will have a special guest. And an adorable little old man who looks kind of like a turtle comes in. It’s Ben, Gail tells us. He and his wife are preparing to celebrate their 61st anniversary. What’s with the random anniversaries in this show? 128 years of the L.A. Times. 61 years of Ben’s marriage. Where are the nice round numbers, people?

Actually, I can kind of get behind the latter one. I pretty much feel like if you manage to both stay alive and stay married for more than fifty years, you get to celebrate the crap out of every anniversary – galas and vow renewals every year if you feel like it. So for the gala celebration Ben and his wife are having, each chef has to make an anniversary cake.

To give us some background on the couple, Ben tells us he met his wife at a beach party that he didn’t want to go to. She was wearing a bright yellow two piece bathing suit, and lured him into the surf (that minx!). They were married two years later. SO CUTE.

Gail explains that the winner of this challenge will get $15,000 courtesy, natch, of Dawn. They’ll be judged on the look and flavor of their cake.

Shopping. They have 30 minutes and $300. Yigit is pissed off at himself for the quickfire. 13 minutes. Danielle thinks Morgan is overconfident, and that always being on the top might give him a long way to fall. She says she’s ok with people thinking she’s the underdog. Commercial.

Back! 10 hours to prep. They’ll also have two hours to finish up tomorrow. Zac says this is definitely not his challenge, and he’s incredibly nervous.

Gail enters and says they’re going to spend a little time with Ben and his wife. His wife is Sylvia Weinstock! Yay!!!!!! I love her!! I love her so much!!!! Zac reminds us that she’s the cake queen, so it’s a huge deal to make a cake for her.

They brainstorm with Sylvia and Ben, which would’ve been helpful before they went shopping, since part of the brainstorming includes finding out what flavors the couple likes, but whatever. All that’s important is that we get to see Sylvia and Ben’s adorable wedding picture, where Sylvia is wearing a chic grey dress and carrying pink flowers, and hear Sylvia say “sex is a wonderful thing.” Then we learn from Ben that after the beach party, they went back to her cousin’s apartment and made out under a piano. DAMN, that’s some moves, Ben! Anyway, they’re adorable, and I want to hug the crap out of them.

The chefs get back to work. Morgan is inspired by the “smoochin’ under the piano” and the pink flowers in Sylvia’s bouquet. He wants to see Danielle, Yigit, and himself in the finale because Zac is the most likely to throw someone under the bus. “Zac would turn your oven off, set your mise en place on fire, and stab you in the back.”

Danielle was inspired by Sylvia’s grey dress and pink bouquet, and is making a grey cake with pink flowers. Grey cake sounds like a risk. Zac is doing two cakes – one for Sylvia and one for Ben – bound together with Passion Fruit ice cream to represent their passion. Danielle is annoyed by Zac’s continual running to Yigit for advice.

Iuzzini thru! In the world’s most awkwardly cut and edited talking head, he talks about how daunting the challenge is. He thinks it’s great that Zac is going against his disco dust tendencies to do something that really represents the Weinstocks, and Morgan is proving that he learned from the previous Sylvia challenge. He thinks the combinations in Yigit’s cake might work against him. He thinks Danielle is trying to show that she belongs in the finale. Well, dur, Johnny. Isn’t that pretty much what everyone in the last challenge before the finale in every reality show is trying to do?

59 minutes. Zac gets his base assembled and realizes the cake isn’t what he intended. He frosts it in a smurfy blue color, which I don’t think is the best possible solution to his problem. And then Morgan hordes some piping bags to get back at the previous piping bag hording.

Yigit scrambles to bubble wrap his cakes. He feels good about the time left for assembly, but he’s concerned about texture. Morgan wraps his cart in plastic. Time!

Next day! They head to Ben and Sylvia’s friends’ house to assemble the cake with 2 hours to set up. Morgan finishes up his work in a matter of minutes. Yigit thinks his cake is way too simple. Zac’s cake. . .oh, dear. It looks horrible. So he pulls out the disco dust and white chocolate and turns it into a weird beach scene.

Time! The guests arrive, and the chefs start describing their cakes. Sylvia is wearing the best old lady couture ever – a loose fitting burgundy jacket with a sequined collar. I kind ofwant to get one for my great aunt for her birthday. If anyone knows who makes it, tip me off in the comments.

The judges start viewing the cakes, beginning with Morgan’s . It’s a simple white cake with an adorable piano on top. The top tier of the cake is Lemon Sponge & Raspberry Panna Cotta, while the bottom is Dark Chocolate Sponge with Ganache. We zoom in on the piano. It’s totally cute – filled with pink roses to represent Sylvia’s wedding bouquet and he’s got a little yellow bikini top draped over the bench. Adorbs –everyone should have a 61st anniversary cake that implies they were trampy back in the day. Johnny likes Morgan’s topper. Sylvia thinks the yellow cake has nice texture, and also likes the chocolate.


Danielle’s grey frosted Chocolate Cake with Sour Cherry Compote & Greek Yogurt Ice Cream is next. It has 3 large roses on top to represent their 3 daughters and 6 smaller ones to represent their grand kids. Hubert Keller thinks the “shocolate sponge” is moist, and Sylvia likes the filling but not the “battleship grey” color. Johnny says that 61 years of marriage could be like a battleship, and Sylvia says “THANK YOU!”

Oh. How. I. Love. Her.

They move onto Zac’s insane beachscape cake, which has a Top Tier of Dark Chocolate & Fresh Raspberry, and a Bottom Tier of Lemon Sponge & Raspberry Jam. He thinks his flavors are good but visually a “caketastrophe.” Sylvia thinks “it’s not elegant enough,” and would be “a great Bar Mitzvah cake.” Payard thinks the cocoa powder in the chocolate cake is almost burned, but the lemon sponge is good.

Finally they get Yigit’s yellow cake with a cute pair of Sylvia style glasses on it. The Top Tier is Almond Cake with Chocolate Mousse, while the bottom is Sponge Cake with Lemon Cream, which cuts unevenly. Johnny likes the crème fraiche sorbet, but Hubert thinks his pate de fruits is too tough. Sylvia likens it to “a woman who wears all her jewelry. Don’t do it.”

SQUEE.

Danielle feels really confident in what she did that night. Zac knows he didn’t do the best job, but still thinks he deserves to be in the top 3, but Morgan doesn’t. Seriously? The dude won almost every freaking challenge, you weird little elf. If he doesn’t “deserve” to be in the finale, then who in the bluedilly fuck does?

Commercial.

Fakeback. It’s about rituals. Morgan talks about always being the last person to leave the loft and close the door.

Really back. In the pudding room, Morgan makes an analogy about how the competition is like climbing. One last sports analogy to remind us all that he’s a straight guy. They toast “to survival.”

Judges’ Table. Gail reminds them of the challenge and the rewards. They begin with Danielle. Keller thought it was very imaginative to have the piano keys on it. Payard thought the cake was moist and the flavors were good together. Iuzzini remarks that grey is an unappetizing color.

Moving to Yigit, Iuzzini tells him he overthought his cake and made it too complicated, but praises his flavored buttercream. Payard says his cake was the most elegant. Gail calls him out on the pate de fruits again, because the texture forced a separation in the cake.

Payard liked the simplicity of Morgan’s idea, but thinks the panna cotta needed more acidity. Keller thinks the chocolate cake was a little dry. Iuzzini says the shell border on his cake was uneven.

Zac admits to having struggled on the challenge. Keller says all the layers helped the cake stay moist. Iuzzini says the cake didn’t represent the Weinstocks now, and it should’ve been more mature. Zac then talks about how excited he is to be here, and how it upsets him that Morgan wins a lot of money and “couldn’t care less.”

The irrelevance of this all upsets me so much. If I had to judge one of these things and someone started to pull that "who wants it more" shit, I would go OFF.

Morgan says “it’s not part of my character to jump up and down and flail and sing showtunes,” and that he’d rather remain calm than “freak out like a little girl.” Zac goes bug eyed at that. Who can blame him?

They return to the pudding room. Zac says “it’s personality, it’s not personal.” That’s so bullshitty. What could possibly be more personal than your personality? Hey, it's nothing personal -- I just think you're a horrible human being! Love you!

Deliberation. The judges start with Zac’s over the top cake and Morgan’s restrained one. Danielle’s was grey but delicious. Yigit’s was much too complicated inside, but beautiful outside. Commercial.

Back. Iuzzini says they’ve all done a tremendous job in the competition, but unfortunately only 3 can go to the finals.

Payard announces the winner of the challenge. .. .Danielle! Yay!!!!! She’s the only one I like anymore. She pogo bounces up and down and hugs Morgan. She’s in the finale, and she’s got $15,000 “courtesy of Dawn Hand Renewal”. She hugs everyone, and heads back to the pudding room to wait.

So it’s between the three guys. Morgan played it too safe. Zac put too much of himself into Sylvia and Ben’s cake (thatswhatshesaid). Yigit has yet to master the art of restraint.


Gail tells. . .Zac that his dessert didn’t measure up. He admits to having made “a cakewreck,” but he’s still bagging on how “rubbery” Morgan’s cake was. He says he’s invigorated as a chef, and is ready to go out and kick some ass.

Next. Uh-oh! I’m bustin out all the stops. Danielle’s an idiot. I’m Phoenix rising from the ashes*. The sorbet is really icy. It’s quite impressive. One of you is the first winner of Top Chef Just Desserts.

The Fashion Show: Express Lane Recaplet, Episode 1

So we got to the first commercial of The Fashion Show last night, and one of my friends looked at me and said “are you recapping this?” And I said “I don’t knooooooooooooooooooooooow.”

Because there are two factors at work here, tomatoes. The first is that I have kind of hit my breaking point with this whole blow-by-blow recaps of two different shows on subsequent days thing, and I don’t really see starting that up again for a show that on the first go-round was so utterly loathsome that I gave up after the first week because even thinking about it hurt.

The second thing, though, is that last night? That mess? That is a mess I have thoughts about.

So what I’ve decided to do is something I’m going to call an Express Lane recap. Not a minute-by-minute recounting of the show; just 15 Items or Less* that capture my thoughts about it.

And on that note, here we go:

1. It’s always going to be impossible not to think of this or any other design related reality show in comparison to Project Runway. And on that note, it seemed like the casting directors were trying to make this Project Runway: Internationale. “You know what people love on Project Runway? When there’s a guy with an accent. So I want you to go out there and get me at least SIX guys with accents. Half the cast should be unintelligible. I want to subtitle every second of this motherfucker.”

As a friend of mine pointed out, there’s nothing like coming home after a hard day and reading a little television.

2. Similarly, they may’ve been casting Project Runway: Freak Show. “I want a guy so skinny he fits into womens’ sample sized clothes. And he should have really long hair and look like one of Michael Jackson’s sons will when they grow up. At least one guy should look like some sort of sexually ambiguous alien. That one woman – don’t feed her or let her sleep for like six days before showing up – I want her looking gaunt and horrible. We don’t want any normals on this show! The straight guy? Tie a necktie around his head! That nice older gay gentleman? Take a hammer to the teeth on one side of his mouth! And no blondes! God help you if you bring a blonde in here!”

3. Another possibility is that it’s actually Project Runway: Torture Porn. They’ve taken one of the aspects of Project Runway that audiences love and the designers almost universally seem to hate – group work, particularly where the groups are selected for you by some completely arbitrary means – and made that the central conceit of the show. Look at them suffer, children. You know you love watching them suffer.

4. Someone clearly told Isaac Mizrahi “look, about two months before this show premieres, Tim Gunn is going to release a book where he basically calls you the worst person in the world. And he’s Tim Gunn, so everyone’s going to believe him. Especially the six people who actually watched last season, and have seen you on television being the worst person in the world for twelve weeks. So. . .you know. Maybe you could dial back how horrible you are?”

5. How many minutes into the first episode was it before the straight guy told us he was straight?

6. Imaginary Casting Director: “you know what else people loved? The Voltaggios. Can you find me some brothers, or some sisters, or a brother and a sister?” Lackey: “No, but here are two women who co-own a label.” Director: “That’s perfect! That will totally be both fair to the other contestants and not at all detrimental to their existing professional relationship!”

7. Calvin is. . .loathsome. Which is how you knew he wasn’t going home this episode – he is so loathsome and such a “character” and so full of heavily accented goodness that there was no way the producers would let him go this early. Even if Francine’s dress hadn’t been a festering piece of shite, he was a lock to stay: he was loathsome in an interesting way, whereas . ..

8. Francine was just the physical and emotional equivalent of a wet dishrag. What a negative, negative person, and what a chewed up little sad hank of a woman. She looks like she smells of sour milk.

9. HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA the dress picture gallery on Bravotv.com is called “Rate the Fashion” as opposed to Project Runway’s “Rate the Runway.” No, this isn’t a rip off AT ALL.

10. The minute Cesar’s dress came out, I knew it was the winner. “It’s lovely,” I said, and then I clarified “it’s not original, but it’s lovely.” I would bet on him to stick around for awhile. . .although they have already shot their wad on his tragic backstory by revealing the whole partner who died of colon cancer thing in the first episode.

11. Francine’s dress, on the other hand, looked like the challenge was “design a dress for Kim Kardashian. Your budget is $12.” How is this supposed to be inspired by Iman? It's like a Vegas cocktail waitress at an off-the-strip casino. . .after she slept in her uniform.

12. And on that note. . .IMAN! Oh my god, she’s the scariest person ever. And then they compound that by having her tell the bottom two “DON’T MOVE” in her terrifying voice. It’s like she’s slowly allowing all of the designers who are “safe” to move off of the trick floor before she pulls a lever opening the trap door and sending one of the losers through the trap door to the shark pit below. All she needs is a bald cat to stroke.

13. Related: someone started tweeting something about “The Fashion Show” while we were watching, and the autofill suggested “Fascism” rather than “Fashion.” That’s the next show, kids: The Fascism Show: Search for the Next Great Dictator. “I’m sorry, Mussolini. Your dictatorship just didn’t make the cut.” “The challenge was a genocide. You call this a genocide? There are still 75 of them left!”

Finally. . .




14. “Issa banana.”

* And can I tell you how many of my friends are now creaming themselves over the new Wegman’s and its grammatically correct “15 Items of Fewer” express lanes? Seriously – 5 or 6 people who have never met each other have listed that as the reason they’ll never shop anywhere else again on their facebook status in the last three or four days.