There are two possible explanations for this.

Either the January/February 2011 issue of the Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade Magazine is selling like HOTCAKES (made from Bisquick) at the Safeway near my office. . .

. . . or they ordered one copy, and buried it on the rack between their ample supply of Culture: The Word On Cheese (which: way to move up in the world, neighborhood! Whodathunk a few years ago that a Safeway across from Louis' Rogue Bar would need that many copies of America's premiere cheese mag?) and something called Living Without's Gluten Free Holiday Guide (which is the worst magazine title ever -- it makes me imagine a sad girl looking at a plate of stuffing she can't have and crying about how bad things are now that she's living without, and I'm offended on behalf of everyone I know with celiac).

Your thoughts? They used to get DOZENS of these in when I was subscribing, but I noticed in November that they only had a handful of issues of November/December, and now. . .just the one. It's the chocolate lovers' issue, people. You need extra copies of that shit.

Top Chef All Stars: Flame, Set and Match

Spike got a raw deal
Bland shrimp – worse than not cooking?
It’s not “Top No-Show.”

What a difference a few years make, C-Nuggets.

If you had ever – IF. YOU. HAD. EVER – told me in 2008 that I’d be bummed to see Spike—hat wearing, pube bearded, mankle toothed C-Nugget Spike -- leaving, I would have punched you in the nuts. And if you’d told me that I’d be bummed to see Spike leaving while Jamie – one of my perennial favorites – stayed, I would have punched you in the nuts, pulled your hair, beaten you with a 2x4, taken your wallet while you were down and then kicked you in the chin for good measure.

But. . .

But. . .

It’s not 2008 anymore taintbiscuits. Hells bells, it’s barely still 2010.

And that decision? That was some bullshit.

Let me clarify: I will agree that of the losing dishes on his team, Spike’s was probably the worst. It sounded like the only other real contender was Tre’s, and Tre had immunity.

But how is it – how is it, douchebaskets – that a contestant in a cooking competition who by sheer dumbassed luck ended up not cooking gets a complete pass?

Shouldn’t they have called her back and asked “Jamie, why didn’t you present your dish?” And then what would she have said?”My chickpeas never finished cooking?” “My team wanted me to go first, because they thought I had the worst dish, but I refused, and then we knew the dish wasn’t strong/ready enough to go up against the chefs from the other team, so I kept passing?”

And what kind of reaction would that’ve gotten? In baseball parlance, yerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr out.

(or similarly, couldn’t she have womanned up and gone in with the chefs who were called back, saying “whether the fact that I held my strong dish back kept us from winning one hand, or what I made was held back because it was even worse than the chefs who lost their rounds, either way I’m partly responsible for this loss”? I’d all but guarantee that they wouldn’t send her home for that, and she’d have looked a lot better in the process).

So yeah. I’m bummed that Spike’s out and bummed that Jamie’s still in. Call me Bizarro Jordan (up is down! Black is white! You say hello when you leave, goodbye when you arrive), or call it what it is in the spirit of the season – it’s a Festivus Fucking Miracle. My small heart has grown three sizes toward Spike – yeah, maybe because of artery blockage from too many delicious Good Stuff burgers, but still.

Let’s see how this nonsense all shook out, shall we?

Sticking with this season’s “begin where the last episode ended” theme, we start immediately after the double elimination. The chefs head for a bar and talk about what happened. Casey is sad to have lost her friend and support Dale. Tiffani doesn’t “think the judges got it right” by putting her in the bottom. Dale T. vows to think about the victory, just to move on. Mike I doesn’t care who leaves as long as it’s not him, and thinks his biggest competition is Angelo.

Credits.

The chefs file into the kitchen to see Padma and Top Chef Masters alumni Tony Mantuano. Padma tells them that their quickfire will test their ability to make one of America’s classic seasonal dishes: stuffing.

Tiffani talks about how regional/house/specific stuffing is, which is true when you think about all the possible cornbread/sausage/oyster/etc permutations that get schlepped out on Thanksgiving and Christmas depending on where you are and where you’re from. But anyway, the chefs have to make stuffing, and since that’s too impossibly simple to be a challenge in and of itself, there’s a twist: they can’t use any kitchen tools or their knives.

HA.

But because of that the winner gets immunity AND $20,000. So, not bad for having to shuck oysters with your toes, or whatever other means of coping they come up with.

They have 45 minutes. Food flurry. Casey and Carla stand back from the mayhem, Carla vowing “whatever will be will be”. Ok, Doris Day. Carla is working with quinoa, and Casey plans to do an Asian stuffing.

Fabio tells us that “ask a chef to cook widdout tools, is like to ask to a soor-john to do an open ‘art surgery wit’ only eez feenger.” Then he grates parmesan using the pot rack, which is pretty fucking resourceful, like MacGuyver style resourceful. Ok, you’re winning me back a little Fabio, douchey tweets and all.

(Editor’s note: I wrote that last night. This morning I read his douchey tweets about the episode. Back to finding him thoroughly tiresome)

Tiffani tells us about how her mother makes “Jedi fucking stuffing.” She then butchers a quail with a pepper grinder, which is pretty Jedi in and of itself. Tre says he was in charge of Thanksgiving last year, and his family’s palates weren’t refined enough to accept the food he made.

We see a lot of madness where Tre freezes something with nitrogen to break it apart; someone stirs with an ear of corn; someone else with a large slab of bacon. . .it’s pretty amusing.

Five minutes. Carla is “nailing the sauce” but her black quinoa is undercooked. Time!

Tasting. Padma and Tony start with Casey’s Asian inspired Mushrooms with Crispy Chicken Liver, Miso Cake, Mushroom Dashi. Jamie has made a Crépinette with Pork, Lemon Oil, Broth, which Tony calls “very nice.” Carla presents her “un-done-te” Thai Inspired Vegetable Stuffing with Black Quinoa Salad & Black Caviar, and admits that “this is not a $20,000 dish; this is not even a 20 cent dish.”

They move on to Spike’s Stuffed Quail with Raisins, Herbs, Port & Apricot Glaze. Marcel has made a Whole Squab, Stuffing with Raisin Brioche, Cherries, Currants & Ras El Hanout Gravy. Blais’s is a Pressure Cooked Onion, Nitro Fried Fennel & Parsley, Raisins, Pine Nuts, Peppers, Smoked Mayonnaise. Tre has done a Southwestern Inspired Bread Pudding with Apple Smoked Bacon, Cheddar, Bell Pepper, Chili Powder. Dale T’s is a Spanish Influenced Stuffing with Crab, Oysters, Chili Lemon Aioli, Blistered Tomatoes, Grapes, Olives. Tiffani has made Soy Maple Stuffing with Quail, Grilled Mushrooms & Quartered Grapes. Tony warns her to throw away the pepper mill she used to break down the bird.

Fabio explains the grating technique behind the cheese in his Polenta Bread, Vegetables, Browned Butter, Smoked Bacon & Grated Parmesan.

Tony tells them that his least favorites were Carla’s undercooked quinoa, Tiffani’s overly sweet stuffing, and Casey’s, which came across as a plated appetizer rather than a stuffing.

The top group are Tre’s Southwest dressing and Marcel’s dish, which had a great stuffing and a great bird. And the winner is. . . Tre! Yay!!!! He freaks out. Commercial.

Back! Padma tells them that for their elimination challenge, they’ll be cooking at the home of the U.S. Open. They have to come up and get a tennis ball can, which divides them up into team Orange (Marcel, Blais, Fabio, Antonia, Carla, Dale, and Mike I) and team Yellow (Angelo, Spike, Tre, Tiffany, Tiffani, Jamie, and Casey).

Carla thinks her team is strong, but worries that Fabio will overthink the challenge. Spike is worried that he has no allies on the yellow team.

So they’re serving head to head in a culinary tennis match – the winning dish in each course will get a point; the first team to four points wins.

They have fifteen minutes to plan. Carla wants to do a peanut soup, but Dale T. doesn’t think that’s “high end” enough for the U.S. Open. They go back to the house and separate back into their teams to continue planning. The yellow team plots to put their weakest dish out first to get the orange team to “waste” their best.

Next Day. Whole Foods! 30 minutes. Angelo is planning a smoked fish. Tre talks about how he’s very aware of what he puts into his body. And thank you for that, Tre. Carla believes in her peanut stew even if her teammates aren’t thrilled.

They get to the U.S. Open Kitchen where they have 3 hours to prep. Marcel runs down the list of his teammates , and says he thinks everyone on their team is awesome. Blais plans to make a “Thai-Bouleh” -- a Thai inspired take on tabouleh with lamb. Carla thinks she has an advantage as a runner. Antonia admits that she never played sports in high school; she smoked a lot of pot instead. She’s worried about Fabio making gnocchi, because it’ll weigh the athletes down.

Tiffani runs down the Yellow team roster for those of us who’ve forgotten over the commercial break. Casey is making a tenderloin with fresh cherries and faro. Jamie’s prep is going well, but she’s worried about getting her dried chick peas cooked. Angelo’s mackerel are slimy and gross inside. He asks Tre for some salmon, but Tre doesn’t want to do anything that might help Angelo. He suggests Angelo ask Tiffany for tuna instead. Tiffany hopes it won’t bite her in the behind.

Tom thru! Tom asks Jamie if they’ve discussed strategy yet, but she won’t tell him since the other team is in the same kitchen. Spike and Angelo finally explain it to him when he gets them alone.

One hour left! Carla cuts half her fingernail off. The medics try to talk her into going to the hospital, but she tells them to bandage it up so she can keep going. Dale and Antonia use this as an excuse to talk about what a pussy Jamie was during the museum challenge again.

10 minutes. Spike has fucked up his shrimp, and goes to cook another batch. Time!
They head out to the courts. Marcel says he feels like “a gladiator entering the arena.” Commercial.

Back! The chefs dash around the court getting their prep done. Jamie needs to get her chickpeas cooking. A bunch of tennis fans file in to watch the action. The teams start tasting dishes so they can decide who goes first. Spike thinks it’s clear Jamie should go first since her dish isn’t cooked, and therefore must be the worst in their group.

Padma calls up the first two contestants. Fabio goes first from the orange team, which throws the yellow team off kilter since they figured the orange team would definitely send Blais first. Jamie refuses to go first so she can have more time to cook her chickpeas. Casey finally says she’ll go first. Spike has no idea how it happened, but his strategy has effectively been thrown right out the window.

Padma introduces their guest, Taylor Dent. His job essentially seems to be to provide a fifth vote in case of ties. They start tasting. Fabio introduces his Whole Wheat Gnocchi with Pork Loin Ragout, Caramelized Fennel & Zucchini versus Casey’s Grilled Pork Tenderloin Salad with Farro, Cherries, Sugar Snap Peas & Vinaigrette. Taylor Dent says the gnocchi is fantastic. Padma agrees that Casey’s is heavier and gives her vote to Fabio, and Tom agrees. Fabio gets the first point for orange and loses it Roberto Benigni style.

Dale T. wants to go next because his dumplings are failing. Marcel wishes he’d spoken up earlier, since they’d planned on Marcel going next. Tiffani is next on the yellow team. So it’s Dale’s Edamame Dumpling, Spicy Carrot Froth, Crispy Soy Nut versus Tiffani’s Sashimi of Black Bass, Avocado, Ponzu Vinaigrette.

Gail loves the bass. Padma goes with Dale. Tom opts for Tiffani, and so does Tony. Point to the yellow team; the match is tied.

Third up is Angelo versus Marcel. Angelo has made Smoked Tuna, Yuzu Gelée, Red Onion & Caper (only one caper? Really, interns?). Marcel’s is Cauliflower Cous Cous with Pomegranate Seed, Golden Raisins & Yellow Fin Tuna. Tom, Tony, and Gail all opt for Angelo, and Yellow takes the lead. Marcel is crushed to lose to Angelo because “he always plates on a spoon. Are you fucking kidding me?”

I think I just fell in love with Marcel a little. That's one of those insults that works so perfectly because it says so little, really, but encapsulates everything cheesy and unctuous and more than a little dated about Angelo.

Antonia is next for the orange team, so the yellow team sends Tiffany. Tiffani wishes Angelo would keep his hands out of everyone’s dishes.

Tiffany’s dish is Spiced Tuna with Fennel, Peppercorns, Walnut Sauce, Coriander Seeds & Lentil Salad. Antonia has made a Scallop, Indian Lentil Purée, Mint, Dandelion Greens, Cilantro & Chive. Tony goes with Tiffany. Gail and Taylor go with Antoina. Padma picks Tiffany. Tom is the tie breaker, and chooses Antonia. She and Tiffany hug gracefully before Antonia goes yelling off to celebrate her win.

Next is Blais versus Spike. Spike admits to pissing his pants a little bit at the prospect of going up against Blais. Angelo and Tiffani start to get “very aggressive” about Spike’s dish. Angelo adds yuzu gelee at the bottom of Spike’s bowl. Spike doesn’t know if he can trust Angelo, and says this isn’t the dish he conceptualized.

Like it or not, he presents his Tomato Tamarind Soup, Olive Oil Poached Shrimp, Pineapple, Tomatoes & Dill against Blais’s“Thai-Bouleh”; Lamb with Herbs & Yogurt. Tony says the protein was the downfall in each, but he goes with Blais. So do Padma and Tom (Tom clarifies that he loves Spike’s soup but hates the shrimp).

Match point! It’s Carla for the orange team, and the yellow team is faced with a choice between Tre’s dish and Jamie’s “undercooked beans.” Understandably, they opt for Tre.

Angelo asks Tre if he can do anything for him. He allows Angelo to fire off and cook his fish, which end up a little burned.

Carla introduces her African Groundnut Soup with Baked Sweet Potatoes, Adzuki Beans & Peanuts. Tre has made Salmon, Parsnip Purée, Olive Oil Sauce, Citrus, Tomatoes & Olives. Taylor loves the salmon. Tony opts for the soup. Padma also goes with Carla. Gail also goes with Carla, which gives the orange team the victory. They celebrate wildly.

Spike grouses about the team not following his strategy, but Tiffany thinks the strategy was “STOO-PID!!!” Jamie feels like she dodged a bullet by not even having to cook. Um, yes. Commercial.

Fakeback! It seems to involve some kind of cheerleading challenge, where Mike says “you cheer, she dances, and Angelo will be like the male dancer.” Then they all dance and talk about how Mike brings out the goofier side of them.

Back. Stew room. Mike asks Jamie if she’s upset she didn’t cook. She says “yes and no.” Padma calls back Fabio, Carla, Richard, and Antonia.

They file into the judges’ table chamber (this needs a better name – judges’ chamber of doom? Something). Padma congratulates them for scoring the winning points, and tells them one of them will win a trip to Italy.

Gail says this is some of the best food they’ve been served across 7 seasons. Padma asks Richard about the strategy, and he says their strength was probably not having one. Tony congratulates Carla on her homey but surprising soup. Gail thought Antonia’s dish was beautiful, and Tom praises Blais’s dish. Tony thinks Fabio’s “light gnocchi is a miracle.”

But the winning dish is. . .Carla! Yay! She gets a 5 day 4 night trip and a tour of the Santa Margherita winery. She feels validated. Padma tells them to send in the point losing chefs from the yellow team.

She calls back Casey, Tiffany D., Tre and Spike. Richard tells Jamie “you got a story going now,” and she gets offended, since clearly the thru-line for her story is “Jamie doesn’t cook in every other challenge, but somehow manages to get a pass and stay”.

Padma asks the losing chefs about their strategy, and Spike explains the “worst dish forward” plan. Tom says that strategy clearly backfired since the team thought Jamie’s was worst and she wasn’t here.

Spike explains the changes that Angelo and Tiffani made to his dish. Tony says he had a good soup and too many other hands got involved.

Tom asks Tiffany if based on her experience with him here and in season 7, she thinks it’s possible that Angelo is trying to sabotage people. She gives a non-answer about going on her own instincts instead of someone else’s. Gail rewards her for this by telling her her salad was flaccid, and Tom compares it to wine with no finish.

Tony tells Tre that his overcooked and oily salmon was their least favorite dish. But he’s got immunity, so they don’t spend much time on him.

Padma says that the hearty grain with the pork loin in Casey’s dish was too much of a good thing. Casey gets defensive, but not like Jen levels of defensive. Just normal sticking up for her dish defensive.

They get sent back to the stew room. Spike talks about how he should’ve told them all to back off his dish, and Tiffany reiterates that at the end of the day you’re in control of your own plate.

We cut back to the judges. They question whether Tre phoned it in because he had immunity. They think Spike definitely didn’t need the yuzu; he needed salt. They question whether Casey understood the issues they had with her dish. Tiffany’s dish lacked roundness. Commercial.

Back. Tom says that part of their problem was deviating from their system. Casey gave them a great dish, but went up against a better one. Tre left a main component of his to someone else. Spike’s shrimp was underseasoned, and Tiffany’s tuna was bland.


Padma tells. . .Spike to pack his knives and go. “It was a good run,” he says in the judges’ room, but then he interviews that “I got screwed. “ He thinks that Jamie’s strategy was not to serve her food, and Angelo’s was to screw up other people’s. Spike then offers this trenchant observation: “Listen Jamie, this is a competition and at some point you’re going to have to compete.” True dat, Spike. He still thinks he’s the best of the best, though.

Next: we have to cook head to head against Tom. You can’t come to New York as a food person and not go to Chinatown. I’m a-screwed. Fire everything. I’m embarrassed to call myself a chef.

Yes, I know. I'm awful. . .

. . .and the two of you who pay any attention to The Fashion Show at all are weeping big salty tears over the fact that I didn't recap it.

Let me break this down for you: on Saturday, I went to Arizona. After four days, in which I lived through a 93rd birthday, a cookie decorating party, and a flight with Snooki, I got home last night at 10:39.

So I saw everything from the second show onward, and I know poor straight David (who looks awkwardly like Kurt's plot device. . .I mean love interest, Blaine, from Glee) went home, and I know Iman was en fuego during the critique.

But at the same time, I leave again tomorrow. I wanted to spend my 34 hours at home snuggling my cat, watching Top Chef, and moving the contents of one suitcase into another (slightly larger) suitcase.

So it's a no go on The Fashion Show this week. Just deal.

Top Chef All Stars: Double Elimination All The Way

Stephen and Dale L.
One a surprise; one less so
Both of them must leave.

Good morning, titmouses. How are you? I’m feeling a bit more on my game this morning than I have recently, because my very courteous kitten let me sleep until four a.m. this morning instead of waking me up at her usual 3:30. I appreciate this greatly, as I’m presently looking at a bit under two days to clean my apartment, do a shitload of laundry, finish (and by finish, I mean do) most of my Christmas shopping, pack, and organize a way to get myself to Dulles in time for a 7:30 flight on Saturday morning.

So between that looming at me and the cat-curtailed sleep habits and preparing what I feel will be a winning dish at my company’s Christmas bake-off and some technical difficulties with my TV that we’ll discuss in a moment, I was a bit flustered last night. I’m pretty Zen right now, but last night I was a little flipped out.

Anyway. After last week’s weird freak out, this episode could only seem tame by comparison. I liked the challenge a lot, and may actually try to make the winning dish at some point because it sounds so damn good (broth that tastes like buttered toast? Yes please). But the dual elimination was only half surprising. Since the players were announced, I knew Stephen wouldn’t last long – I’m sure he’s a good chef, but a) the first season of a reality show rarely if ever represents the strongest group of competitors, so I didn’t figure a fifth place ouster from that season holding up against strong chefs from later seasons. Similarly, b) he and Tiffani have the longest lag time between runs at this title – having your head out of competition mode for years has to put you at a disadvantage when you’re fighting chefs who are only weeks from wrapping their season. And c) it sounds – even according to Stephen himself – like he’s been working on concept/front of house stuff a lot lately rather than execution, so he’s probably a touch out of practice.

Dale, though, I expected more from. Not just because he’s a long time personal favorite and he was the runner up in a fairly strong season (if I’m ranking them in my head, I put 6 way at the top with 4 a distant second behind them, 3, 5, and 1 fighting out the middle, then 7, with 2 lagging way back in the rear), but because so far, he seemed like the “voice” of the season – he’s been the one giving us the funny lines and the smart observations. What are we left with now? Fabio’s accent? Angelo’s inappropriately zipped to the neck track suit? Casey’s Jurassic Park references?

Bravo, I demand a weekly dose of shirtless Tre to make up for this. Thank you. Let’s start the show.

We pick up after Jen’s dramatic departure again. I don’t know how I feel about this new format – it’s nice to have a way to distinguish the All Stars episodes from normal Top Chefs, and it’s always good to have the opportunity to show more chefs reacting to the previous elimination than you might’ve gotten from the little bits they show after Judges’ Table. Also, in this case, we’re treated to Jen’s whole weird swearing tirade once she passes through the stew room doors again, and that’s always funny.

But I am a lazy person; a person of habits. And one of those habits is that I have been able to reliably type “Morning! [City]! [However I’m referring to that season’s housing]!” at the top of a Word document before each episode starts, and then take a nice long sip of my wine and wait for things to happen. I know it’s a small thing, but I’m not crazy about having that crutch kicked out from under me.

Anyway. Enough of my self-indulgent whining.

Mike I says Jen going home “is definitely the biggest shock of the competition.” Yes, Mike. It’s definitely the biggest shock of the competition. Which so far, you’ve been in for what? Three days? Four now? Ack. I hate that sort of needless, lazy hyperbole. It makes me want to set myself on fire.

Everyone continues talking about how Jamie didn’t need to go to the hospital for her sliced finger.

Abbreviated credits!

Morning! New York! The All Startestants enter the Top Chef kitchen and see Padma awaiting them with David Chang. Marcel is impressed. Padma tells them that the quickfire this week will test their skills and talents against the clock. They split into four teams of four: Angelo, Tiffany, Mike I, and Fabio; Dale . . .

. . .and here we encounter technical difficulties. Let me explain: for no apparent reason (cough*fucking Comcast* cough), my DVR sometimes opts to record a rerun of a show instead of the initial airing. E.G., last night it was planning to record the third airing of Top Chef, which was probably around 1 in the morning, rather than either the 10:00 or 11:30 airings.

These airings still showed up in my scheduled recordings, but with the little empty “Do Not Record” sign next to them. For no reason at all – there was no conflict with too many programs recording at once. The only other thing I watch on Wednesdays that was new and therefore scheduled to record this week is Human Target (yes, I watch Human Target. I like action and Mark Valley is inhumanly handsome. Suck it), and that was on at 8.

So as I was watching the 10 p.m. episode of All Stars, I went to rewind it a bit to catch who was on what team. And somehow, it went into some crazy mode of endless rewinding and fast forwarding and rewinding and fast forwarding that I couldn’t make stop, no matter what buttons I smashed or how insistently. So I had to turn the TV off to stop it, and then turn it back on.

I figured I’d get up this morning and watch the segment I missed from the complete, scheduled recording from 1:30 or whenever it was my DVR had initially planned to record it. But at the same time, I thought “I’d better start recording this episode now so that doesn’t happen again.”

You see where those two plans conflict with each other, yes? Because the DVR thought there was already a 56 minute recording of Top Chef from 10 p.m., it didn’t bother to make the scheduled 60 minute recording at 1 a.m. (or whenever). So I’m not 100% clear on the regulations of the quickfire.

What I managed to make out was that the four teams are Angelo, Tiffany, Mike I., and Fabio (Green); Dale L., Casey, Jamie, and Antonia(Red); Blais, Spike, Tre, and Stephen (Blue); and Dale T., Tiffani, Marcel, and Carla (White). The challenge is some sort of take on the mise en place relay race, but seems to involve three tasks – peeling garlic, breaking down a rack of lamb, and doing. .. something to artichokes – that can be done simultaneously. Every time a team finishes one task, they hit a button that resets the clock.

When they finish all three tasks, they have to prepare a dish using their ingredients. So with the clock factor, the team that finishes their tasks first has the most time to prepare their dish.

Anyway, by the time I got the technological end of things figured out, we’re smack in the middle of a particularly frantic food flurry.

Tre is used to working in a restaurant where they have butchers. Marcel uses a special technique to French the lamb. Casey kills the lamb in an attempt to live down her catastrophic onion failure in the season 3 relay. Antonia tries to peel garlic one by one, while Fabio pounds them out with the butcher board and does 40 at once, finishing garlic for the Green team. They then finish their lamb and artichokes quickly, and begin cooking their dish. The Red Team finishes garlic. Blue is done with artichokes. White finishes lamb. Spike cannot pass the garlic test for blue, but they finally do with 12 minutes left (having apparently finished their lamb at some point when I was still trying to figure out what the hell was happening). Red pulls into third with 10 minutes, and decides to do lamb carpaccio since they don’t have time to cook. White finishes their garlic and artichokes with eight and a half minutes and copies the carpaccio idea.

Time! Chang and Padma begin tasting, starting with the White Team’sLamb Carpaccio, Artichoke Chips, Artichoke Salad & Garlic Oil. The Blue Team has made a Crispy Lamb Chop with Artichoke 3 Ways. The Red Team’s dish is Lamb Carpaccio with Capers, Garlic, Reggiano & Salad with Artichoke. Finally, the Green Team, who finished first, presents their Lamb with Garlic, Tandoori Spiced Yogurt, Slivers of Artichoke, Dill Salad.

David Chang tells them they did well on the quickfire. The Red Team’s dish was one of his least favorites because the parmesan and parsley overwhelmed everything. Similarly, the Green Team’s herbs blew out the yogurt.

On the top half, the White Team’s carpaccio was deceivingly complex, and the Blue Team’s chop had bold flavors. And the winner is. . .The Blue Team! Yay. I would’ve been cheesed if white had won for finishing last and making carpaccio. So everyone on blue gets $5K. Nice. Commercial.

Back. Padma tells them that their next challenge will allow them to experience New York’s elite restaurants as an insider. Each group will dine at one of New York’s finest restaurants, then prepare a dish the chef at each would be proud to put on the menu.

They draw knives to see which team gets which restaurant. The Green Team gets Ma Peche. Red draws Townhouse. Blue gets Marea and Red finishes up the draw with WD-50. Padma then tells them that they’re not working as a team, they’re working as individuals and their teammates are their competition. And TWO of them will be going home.

We get some reactions to the different restaurants. Fabio is baffled by the idea of cooking French and Vietnamese food, but Fabio being baffled by the prospect of making something other than Italian is nothing new, and since I no longer find him thoroughly charming, I can’t be bothered to pound out each laborious syllable of his comments.

The chefs head out to their restaurants to sample the food. Antonia is unbelievably excited. The Ma Peche group spends a lot of time listening to Angelo discuss the dishes since he is an expert in all things Asian. Tiffany, who between season 7 and this has probably spent 4 months of her life with him with very little interruption at this point, finds him annoying.

At Marea, the guys meet Michael White and talk about how they think they got the best restaurant. Stephen tries to pressure Tre into eating sea urchin, and Tre gets annoyed because Stephen apparently eats at Marea frequently. Blais is worried that he’ll need to edit himself to make food for Marea.

At WD-50, our old friend Wylie greets the chefs. Carla gives the usual Wylie introduction about how he uses molecular gastronomy, and plans to marry her classic techniques with his modern vision. Dale says he “read in an interview somewhere” that Wylie loved eggs. Or you saw it on Top Chef, man. One of those. Anyway, he plans to use this knowledge in his dish.

Over at Townhouse, David Burke welcomes Dale L. and the ladies. They all marvel at the goldfish in their cocktail chillers. Dale loves the whimsical food at Townhouse because it’s in line with his own “wacky” food, but Antonia’s concerned and overwhelmed.

The chefs retire back to their All Stars penthouse. Stephen thinks things are looking good for him in this challenge because Marea’s an upscale suit-and-tie kind of place. “Fashion’s become a major obsession of mine. Could be worse; could be cocaine or heroin.” I don’t understand what any of this has to do with feeling confident about cooking, but whatever. Good for you, Stephen. Congratulations on not being strung out on cocaine or heroin.

Commercial.

Back. The chefs head to their restaurants with 2 hours to cook. Four simultaneous food flurries! Mike I wants to impress David Chang. He thinks Angelo is the guy to beat in this challenge. At Townhouse, everyone is working with crazy ideas. Marcel cracks a double yolked egg at WD-50. Carla brings up her sous vide meat problem in the season 5 finale again. Seriously, we should make a list of things they’re going to bring up all the time and start a drinking game. Every time Carla or Casey mentions the Season 5 finale fiasco. Every time Tre mentions going out during Restaurant Wars. Every time Blais mentions choking in the Season 4 finale. Every time Antonia mentions being a mom. Every time Marcel’s shaved head or Angelo’s Asian expertise comes up.

The judges arrive at Marea. Tre says this is right up his alley because some people call him “the black Italian. “ I . . .again, am confused by the non sequitors peppering this episode, but I like Tre a lot, so we’ll let it pass.

The chefs head out and serve Tom, Padma, Kate Krader from Food & Wine, Bourdain, and Michael White.

Tre serves first, presenting his Grilled Swordfish, Braised Artichoke, Mushroom Panna Cotta, Basil Oil. Spike has made Seared Branzino with Caponata & Spicy Prosciutto Vinaigrette. Richard’s dish is Crudo of Spanish Mackerel, Braised Veal Shank, Fennel Mostarda. And Stephen wraps things up with his Coho Salmon, Black Mission Figs, Broccoli Rapini, Fennel Pollen.

The judges dig in. They don’t think Spike’s caponata is really caponata, but like Blais’s mackerel. Stephen’s tastes “like a head shop” according to Bourdain, and Michael White appreciates Tre’s simplicity.

Restaurant #2 on the judges itinerary is David Chang’s Ma Peche. He joins Tom, Padma, and Kate Krader for this tasting. Fabio says something characteristically Fabio about him cooking Asian being lie an Asian grandma trying to cook Italian.

The All Startestants head to the dining room to present their dishes. Fabio’s dish is Roasted Lamb, Hoisin Plum BBQ Sauce, Corn Tomato Salad, Lemongrass Chèvre Ricotta. Tiffany has made a Crudo of Summer Flounder, Pickled Radish & Peach Purée. Mike I’s dish is Warm Sockeye Salmon, Eggplant, Marinated Tomatoes & Pickled Peach. Finally, Angelo has made a Turmeric Marinated Fish, Dill, Cilantro, Salmon Roe, Chorizo & White Chocolate.

The judges begin with Angelo’s, which Bourdain finds creative. David Chang likes the style. They both also enjoy Mike’s salmon. Tom can’t figure out Fabio’s dish, and David Chang would never combine some of the ingredients. Krader thinks Tiffany’s dish is missing something that would elevate it, and Tom thinks it’s something that you’d see at “a lot of restaurants” without specifically fitting the challenge of being a dish for Ma Peche. Chang says there’s nothing there he’d be embarrassed about.

The next stop on our whirlwind culinary tour is Townhouse, where David Burke joins our three travelling diners. Casey is worried for Dale, who has ‘everything but the kitchen sink” in his dish.
The chefs present their dishes to the judges and David Burke. Dale’s dish is Roasted Veal Loin, Peanuts, Popcorn, French Toast, Corn & Thyme Caramel. Whoa. In Project Runway terms, that is a whole lot of look. Antonia has made Pea Purée, Carrot Purée, Seared Scallop & Pickled Carrot. Yummy. Casey has made a Coconut Halibut "Scallop," Tapioca "Caviar" & Ginger-Carrot Emulsion. I’m not a huge halibut fan, but that looks and sounds amazing. Jamie has made Smoked Tomato & Bacon Soup with Heirloom Tomato Salad. Except for Dale’s festival of crazy, everything from this team sounds really good.

Bourdain doesn’t think the smoke flavor adds anything to Jamie’s soup, and David Burke would like it to have more “wow factor.” Padma thinks Dale’s is like “a sweet dish that just has veal on it.” They love Casey’s “Scalibut.” Tom finds Antoina’s oversalted, but David Burke likes it.

Commercial.

Fakeback. Marcel talks about how it’s “ironic” to be cooking at WD-50 because one of Wylie’s sous had accused him of “culinary plagiarism” earlier in his career.

Back! The chefs at WD-50 are finishing up. Dale doesn’t know Wylie’s “tricks,” so he’s trying to stay true to who he is. Tiffani thinks she “probably should not have frozen my melons.” Girl, I hear you. It has been bloody damn cold in DC for weeks now, and no matter how many layers you wear, your melons are at least going to get a bit of a chill on them.

The chefs present to the judges and Wylie (no, I don't know why this is the only restaurant that Bravo didn't take a picture of the chefs presenting). Dale T presents his breakfast inspired Sunny Side Up Egg Dumpling, Braised Pork Belly, Milk Ramen with Bacon, Beef & Pork. It. Looks. Amazing. Tiffani has made Broken Summer Heirloom Melons, with Powdered Ham & Taleggio. Carla’s is Poached Shrimp, Grits, Okra Chips. And Marcel’s is Vadouvan Lamb, Tzatziki, Pickled Red Onion & Anti Flatbread.

Bourdain thinks Tiffani “lost control of the mission on the launch pad.” Wylie loves Dale’s dish, and Tom thinks the “broth tastes like breakfast. It’s really cool.” They think Carla did a nice job even if Wylie finds it “a bit safe.” Bourdain finds Marcel’s “timid” and Tom agrees that even the cucumber is bland. Wylie thinks they’ve all grasped the philosophy of the restaurant.

The chefs all reconvene in the stew room over a Solo cup of wine. “you shoulda seen me usin’ the circulator, y’all,” Carla brags.

Padma calls back Dale T., Angelo, Antonia, and Tre. They’re the top group for this challenge, and the winner gets a 6 night trip to New Zealand.

Bourdain says Antonia did a nice “riff” on peas and carrots. Kate Krader likes the creativity of Angelo’s. Tom tells Tre the fish was perfectly done, and congratulates Dale on his restraint.

And the winner is. . .Dale! Yay! I like him when he’s not being angry. Also that dish sounds amazing. He says having a win shows the other chefs that he’s “for real.”

He does, however, have to send back some of his colleagues: Stephen, Tiffani, Fabio and Dale L. Everyone cheers for them to “fight hard,” but Antonia adjures them “don’t pull a Jen.”

They file into the Judges’ Table, where Padma reminds them that 2 are going home.

They begin with Fabio, who reminds them that “Asian foosion or French is not my expertise area.” He acknowledges overdoing the ingredients, and Tom agrees.

Stephen says he put too much on the plate. Bourdain says there was an overwhelming flavor and scent of sandalwood. Kate Krader says the salmon could’ve been a beautiful dish.

Tiffani also acknowledges having tried to do too much, and Tom says her dish was “watery and mushy.”

Dale L. says the food at Townhouse is “food with jazz hands.” Tom couldn’t see the inspiration in his dish, and says that the problem was he gave them a breakfast dish with veal on it.

The judges send them back so they can deliberate. Padma says this is one of the most interesting challenges they’ve ever done.

Bourdain says Dale’s dish just didn’t taste good, and Tom says it was way too sweet. Kate Krader thinks Stephen got overexcited, and Tom says parts of it were very good even though Bourdain found it “unpleasant to eat.” He also thinks there was no confidence in Fabio’s dish, and Tom says there was too much going on. Bourdain thinks Tiffani’s dish crossed the “fine line between homage and parody” with her dish.

Commercial.

Back. Tom goes through his normal blahdy blah with reminding them of the challenge and how they failed it.

Padma tells Stephen and Dale to pack their knives and go.

Boooooo.


Dale is very disappointed and a little embarrassed to be going home this early. He says being told to go home is going to take a little bit to get over.

Stephen says in Season one he would’ve killed this challenge, because he was cooking more then, but acknowledges he’s not quite up to par with the competitors in All Stars. Dale closes us out by hoping he’ll come back for “Top Chef 16, you know, Seniors.”

Make this happen, Bravo.

Next: US Open! More blood! Clusterfuck! Go for the kill, yep? Is Angelo helping, or is he trying to get people eliminated? I’m extremely upset with Jamie. It just felt heavy.

The Fashion Show Express Lane Recaplet: Prostitution Famewhores

Hello loves! Before we begin, I wanted to take a moment to thank those of you who wrote to let me know that the blog had disappeared on Monday during the great Blogger Blog Blitz of 2010. Without you, I might not have noticed until late Monday or early Tuesday, and then God knows when it would’ve gotten resolved. With your help, I was able to report it Monday afternoon and it was back up by 2 a.m. Tuesday.

Look, I have insomnia and an antsy kitten who’s alone all day and wakes me up at inappropriate hours to play and/or punch me in the face. So yeah, sometiems I'm awake at 2 a.m. to check and see if 5 years of my life has been returned from the void yet or not.

Anyway, the two people who read The Fashion Show recaps and I owe you a debt of gratitude. And on that note: let’s push our cart to the Express Lane and pretend we think that three paragraphs on the same topic counts as one item.

1) The designers dress in their “Sunday Best” and meet Isaac at Daniel on the Upper East Side. Their challenge is to design a ball gown for a charity gala, and their clients are. . .the Real Housewives of Orange County and New Jersey.

I was excited about this episode from the moment I heard about it, despite the fact – and this is true, not just me trying to sound classy (speaking of shutting the barn door) – I have successfully gone cold turkey on the Housewives. Yep. After the last season of New Jersey, I just couldn’t take it anymore. It was too toxic and too hateful, and there’s too much information about these women’s real situations out there for me to feel comfortable watching them put on a front for the cameras and be rewarded with both money and attention for their bad behavior. I did cave and watch 3 or 4 episodes of DC, which was just as boring as crap, but quit before the Salahi’s crashed the White House, and haven’t tuned in for a single neck-rollilng, finger-waving, autotuned moment of Atlanta.

I feel pretty good about myself. But that’s not to say I haven’t missed some of these broads.

2) Calvin sizes up the ladies perfectly, saying “one side [OC] is spahkuls and esstreemlee blonde. One side [NJ] very dahk hair and all about BOO-zum and BOO-zum summore.”

Ladies and gentlemen, from now on, I will always refer to tits as BOO-zums. You are warned.

Calvin also makes the trenchant observation that the New Jersey ladies don’t need to “dress down, they need to class up.” Calvin has his finger on the pulse of Bravo’s housewives, that’s for sure.

3) Team Emerald gets to choose first since they won the last challenge, and they make the predictable choice of selecting the closer to sample sized OC wives. Jeffery takes Lynn the grifter because she’s got an amazing body (which will probably be reposessed by her plastic surgeon because it's bought but it ain't paid for. That's if the creditors can catch up with her family as they bounce from rental property to rental property without ever paying. . .rent). Cindy takes Lauri, who wasn’t on the one season of OC I watched, so don’t count on my having an opinion of her. Ditto for her daughter Ashley, who is Cesar’s client. I wonder why these two broads are there instead of Vicki and Tamara. And where’s Alexis “Jugs for Jesus” Bellino? (answer: in foreclosure. Zing!) I want to see someone have to design a dress to encase her godly (but not God Given) silicone BOO-zums. Golnessa gets Gretchen, who is a gift in terms of being closest to sample size, but less so in terms of having brought sketches with her.

On the other team, Eduardo takes Dina – who, like Lauri, is technically no longer a housewife, but I’ll forgive it in this instance because SHE’S DINA. I love her. She has an invisible husband and a hairless cat with its own twitter feed (seriously, if my cat had a twitter account, she would spend all day every day fangirl stalking Grandma Wrinkles and Winston while I work my ass off to earn her kibble). Also, if they didn’t have Dina, their only other option would be to have Danielle. And you just know that’s not going to happen.

Dominique takes Jacqueline, who is suddenly concerned about modesty because she’s a mom or something. David gets Caroline, and makes the catastrophic mistake of telling her she has the same build as his mother. And Calvin gets Theresa Giudice, a horrible, horrible person with a fairly good cookbook.

I can’t even begin to comment on what a match made in reality TV show heaven and sane person hell the two of them are. One of the other designers later mentions the possibility that they’ll end up throwing tables at each other, and frankly I was surprised when that didn’t happen. (Un?)fortunately, the only casualty of their partnership is the English language. Calvin sums up Theresa’s style as “boob hang out, butt hang out. It like my kind of girl.”

4) We get a consultation with Isaac where he loves Emerald’s ideas and hates Nami’s. Then we get about forty minutes of Emerald seeming on top of things while Nami falls apart. That’s your first clue that Nami’s going to win. Also, Calvin starts alienating his team again, calling their ideas retarded and shooting them down with a “hell to the no.” Who does he think he is, Whitney Houston circa 2005?

Quote Parade!

5) Isaac: “you’re working with real women who have anatomy. Models don’t have anatomy.” This is one of those sentences where the words the person is saying do not mean what he thinks they mean. I suspect there are a lot of those moments in Isaac’s life.

6) Jeffery: “for Lynn’s dress, I really need to find the perfect color to go with her skin tone.” I know exactly what he means – I used to have a skirt in that exact shade of worn in baseball glove-esque leather, and it was really tough to find tops to wear with it.

7) Cesar: “Ashley’s beautiful. She’s got a natural breast and that’s more challenging than a fake breast because they move a lot.”

8) Calvin finishes early and sits around talking about how slow everyone else on his team is, and how he’s bored. What a douche. He decides to make another dress to give Theresa some options. Oh, Calvin. You don’t want to give Theresa options. You’ll only confuse her.

9) 3 p.m. on day two. The Housewives arrive for their fitting. Lynn clearly hates her dress, which is like something made for Norma Desmond’s frumpy, budget conscious sister. She cons Jeffery into cutting the smotheringly high neckline into a deep V. Now she looks like a whore, which she’s much more comfortable with

Lauri and Gretchen love their dresses, but Gretchen accidentally splits the seam of hers. On the other team, Dina compares Theresa’s first choice of dress to “a very pretty Scores dress” and Caroline’s to “Peter Pan.” She worries that the OC’s collection is more cohesive, and plots to “knock Lynn over the head and join their team since they’re all blondes anyway.”

I would appreciate it thoroughly if Bravo could find some way to integrate Dina Manzo into all of their programming. It could be like the 30 Rock episode with Seinfeldvision. Or frankly, they can just send her down to DC and have her narrate things for me.

Theresa and Calvin have their inevitable clash over which of the two dresses she should wear.

10) Dominique starts to sob in preparation for their team losing and David going home. They spend a grotesque amount of time this episode on Nami falling apart generally and Dominique falling apart specifically. Emerald gets overconfident.

11) Some designers edit their dresses. Eduardo gives David his leftover chiffon to make an overlay for his “Peter Pan” dress. Golnessa adds a pleat to the side of her dress to cover the torn seam, and cracks up because it looks like a “side vajayjay.”

12) Showtime! Emerald goes first. Cindy’s dress is good. Golnessa’s has a weird poof at the bottom and a side vagina panel. Jeffery’s is awful and Cesar’s is cute on top but the skirt is too short in the front.

On Nami, Calvin’s accentuates Theresa’s pooch in a horrible way, but is otherwise pretty good. Dominique’s is dull. David’s dress looks shockingly nice, and Eduardo’s is just sheer glam. Their show is also better produced than Emerald’s, and the Jersey ladies work it way more.

13) Deliberation. The guest judge is Susan Fales-Hill. They pick apart the OC’s dresses except for Cindy’s. On Nami/Jersey, they go hard on Dominique and Calvin, but they love David’s and Isaac wants to hire Caroline to run his studio after hearing her take-charge comments. Falls-Hills calls Eduardo’s a “beautiful celebration” of Dina’s curves, but the other judges point out that it’s very much like his previous efforts.

14) The winning house, of course, is Nami. And the individual winner is Eduardo, who gets another $500 if he makes it to the finale, bringing him to a $1500 total.

15) On Emerald, they allow Cindy to stay. Iman tells Jeffery his dress “might have worked at poolside, but it is NOT the Upper East Side. Don’t Move.”

Yayyyy, we’re back to “Don’t Move!” And Iman's sneered "poolside" is a thing of beauty.

Golnessa’s is awkwardly constructed and the flounce is terribly wrong. She’s told not to move. Cesar can stay. And Golnessa, of course, is out. She takes it well saying that since Cindy is still in it feels like she’s in too. That's sweet. It makes me glad that she wasn't on long enough for their friendship/partnership to fall apart under the harsh glare of the Bravo cameras, no matter how entertaining that might've been for the rest of us.

Top Chef All Stars: Even You Cannot Avoid PRES-SURE!

Chef Jen must go home
What the hell was that about?
That freaked me out, man.

Good morning, my little velociraptors (sweet Jurassic Park reference, right Casey?). How are you this morning? Were you awakened, perhaps, as I was, at 3:41 this morning out of a rather nice dream about Boardwalk Empire’s Jack Huston by a kitten gently punching you in the face? Could you then not go back to sleep because of some combination of a stuffy nose, the noise your humidifier makes when it glurgs up a fresh dose of water, that dreadful “Christmas Shoes” song looping through your head, and yes, repeated kitten punches?

No? Well, to hell with you then.

So what the hell was that last night? And I don’t mean that in the way I usually mean that, as in “what the hell, Colicchio? Were you on crack when you judged that?” I literally mean what the hell was that? What did we watch? Where in the bluedillyfuck did that come from?

I have never made any secret of the fact that I have deep seeded and often totally irrational preferences among the contestants in these shows, particularly in cases like this one where people are coming back for a second run through the gauntlet.

And I’ve always liked Jen, since the first episode of season 6. And Yes, there were times when she was fractious, when she was controlling if she was in charge of the kitchen, where she suffused with red at the judges criticism.

But that? Last night? Where in hell did that come from? I can understand if maybe she was determined to stand up for her dish after taking the criticism and generally copping to her own mistakes in her season, but have we ever seen anyone show so much (apparently misguided) defiance and bravado in defending their work?

And I say apparently misguided because it was obvious that the judges made the right call. It was clear from the moment Casey said “wet bacon” that Jen was going home. It may even have been clear from the moment in the museum when she outlined to her team that if they lost, they’d all end up turning on each other. Either way, it was telegraphed pretty early – her only real hope was if the judges had though as little of Jamie’s leaving for a 2-stitch cut as the other chefs did.

Because seriously, folks – there’s no rebounding from something that can be described as wet bacon.

Sigh.

Let’s run through the whole mad mess – the Jonas situation, the night at the museum, the long-awaited (by herself) return of Katie Lee (formerly Katie Lee Joel), and the throw down at the judges table.

We pick up in the stew room right where we left off at the end of the previous episode, and everyone talks about having the first challenge under their belt. Marcel says that Elia’s amazing and for her to be cut means anyone could go home. Richard continues fretting about having been disqualified from the win for going over time. Fabio is still pissed about the critique he received on the challenge. “Boor-dehn eez a gret chef. But nex’ time? Talk about my food? Be nice.”

It’s at this point that I realize why I’ve been knocking out the recaps relatively quickly for the last two seasons compared to season five – no insane Fabio accent to transcribe . And sidebar – if you still like Fabio, absolutely do not follow his twitter. He’s live tweeting the show on West Coast time, and between the self –aggrandizement and the massacre of the English language, I want to punch him in the face.

And then we get the credits.

Morning! New York! The All Stars enter their All Star kitchen where Spike immediately recognizes Joe Jonas standing next to Padma. Is Spike a secret Jo-Bro fan? Because we’re roughly the same age, and I wouldn’t know one Jonas from the others. All I know is there’s one with pube hair, and he’s married. I think. And I believe there’s a Joe and a Kevin and one other one?


Antonia tells us her daughter is a fan and will be excited to hear that he was there. Dale T. has no idea who he is and thinks he might be a pastry chef. Having survived Just Desserts, we all know that “looks like a pastry chef” is code for someone appearing to be either a little light in the loafers or completely batshit “the redhots are for my mommy” style insane.

Padma tells them that the Museum of Natural History is having a “Night at the Museum” sleepover where Joe Jonas will be the surprise guest. For their quickfire, they have to create a midnight snack for the kids attending. Richard theorizes that a pop star of Joe Jonas’ caliber (hahahahahahaha ...) is probably eating things like “filet mignon cheez doodles,” and thinks the trick is to make things that kids will love, but not be “too cheeky and kidlike for Joe Jonas.”

Firstable, I would eat the hell out of filet mignon cheez doodles. Second, I don’t think there’s a whole lot in the category of “too cheeky and kidlike for Joe Jonas.” I’m guessing he laces everything with syrup like Buddy the Elf.

Joe Jonas tells them that for their snacks, they “can’t just show up with peanut butter and celery.” Ooh, is that an Angelo burn because of the school lunch episode? Well Played, Joe Jonas! My respect for you just grew tenfold, which means that my respect for you now registers at a level. . .1 (it was one tenth before tonight’s broadcast). The chefs also won’t have any utensils or plates, so the snack has to go in a brown paper bag. They have 45 minutes, and the winner gets immunity and an “advantage” in the next elimination.

Food Flurry! Dale T. is worried about Joe Jonas (who among us isn’t, Dale?), and Dale L. is worried about kids screaming in his face if you don’t give them what they want. There’s a lot of yelling about sugar (or, in Fabio’s case, SHOO-gair) and it turns out Dale T. horded it on his station. Everyone finds this uncool.

Marcel is happy to be cooking for kids because his mom took over the food program at his elementary school. He sets something on fire. Spike reminisces about growing up in a restaurant family and how his parents used him as cheap child labor to make chips. Good times. Tiffani remembers cooking for the Boys & Girls club in season one, and what a “complete asshole” she was with her attitude about kids. I like new self aware Tiffani. I hope she sticks around and doesn’t send bitchy asshole Tiffani that we know from Season One back.

Richard remembers being a husky kid and eating cereal with heavy cream. GACK. Stephen is making healthy snickerdoodles. I suddenly realize that what’s been missing from my life is healthy snickerdoodles. Dale T. thinks he should’ve laced his corn cake with NyQuil to calm the kids down during the challenge. Mike I is nervous because his cookie isn’t sweet enough. Antonia thins he must’ve lost weight with the amt he’s sweating.

Time! Tasting! Joe Jonas starts with Antonia’s White Chocolate & Cherry Muffin with Cinnamon & Allspice. Then they try Blais’s White Bread, Spiced Apples with Whipped Honey & Crunchy Chocolate, which is “wonderful. Spike serves Homemade Potato & Carrot Chips with Mascarpone & Marshmallow Dip, which get an “mmm” from Joe Jonas, even though “mascarpone and marshmallow dip” would sound like a grim foretaste of hell to any sensible person. Again, he clearly sticks to the four main food groups -- candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup.



Anyway. Tre has made a Cracker with Cranberry & Cherry Jam, Apple Smoked Bacon. Casey has a Chocolate & Bacon Lasagna with Apple Juice & Candy (DAMN CASEY!!! Chocolate and bacon and lasagna? I think I love you).

Mike I wants to throw up at the thought of Casey’s chocolate bacon lasagna. Add to list of things we don’t like about Mike I.

Dale L. has Sweet Tart Nuggets & Caveman Boulders with Chocolate Sauce which he says will make the sleepover like a “10 year old rave” because of the amount of sugar. Next we have Jamie’s Mini Cheddar Biscuits with Homemade Cinnamon Apple Sauce. Tiffany has Coconut Rice Pudding with Grapefruit Sauce. Dale T has a Nyquil-less Corn Cake with Dried Cherries & Whipped Maple Topping.

Fabio has “got some apple” specifically Apple with White Chocolate, Caramel, Blueberry, Marshmallow & Candied Ginger. Tiffani has a Rice Crispy Treat Snowball with Malted Milk & Graham Crackers. Angelo’s made Fried Dough, White Pepper, Old Bay Spice & Cheddar Crumbs, which. . .nom? maybe? Even if his initial description involves some typically douchey posturing about how it’s the next generation of grilled cheese?

Stephen has a Snickerdoodle with White Chocolate, Coconut Ganache, Apricot & Mint. Nom. Jen has Bacon Ginger Taffy & Honey Grilled Peaches, hoping that “if the kids don’t like [the taffy], they can whip it at each other.” Mike I presents his sweaty Chocolate Coconut Corn Bar & Coconut Horchata Chaser.

Padma asks Joe for the results. Among his least favorites was Tiffany’s, whose dish was messy. Mike’s chocolate wasn’t strong enough. And then there’s Stephen, whose cookie was good but the mint wasn’t strong enough.

The top were Spike and Tiffani, and it’s kind of a tie. So to choose the winner, they’ll go to the museum and let the kids decide. Commercial.

Back! Spike and Tiffany will have to make their snack, take it to the kids, and let them decide which is the winner. Tiffani feels confident about her snack. They have to make 150 portions, so they need help from their fellow chefs. They sort teams playground style: Spike chooses Blais; Tiffani chooses Jen; Spike takes Dale T; Tiffani takes Antonia; Spike takes Marcel; Tiffani selects Dale L; Spike takes Stephen; Tiffani picks Casey; Spike gets Angelo; Tiffani takes Jamie; Spike gets Mike; Tiffani goes for symmetry by taking Tiffany ;Spike chooses Carla; and Tiffani rounds out her picks with Tre.

Since Fabio wasn’t picked, he gets to choose which team he wants to be with. He chooses Spike’s teem “becos I wanna peest off Spike.” I can’t help but think that I would’ve taken unqualified glee at this in the past, when I was anti-Spike and pro-Fabio. Now that my feelings on both of them are more layered and complex… it’s still pretty hilarious.

Padma and Joe take off. The chefs have 2 hours to prep Food Flurry 2. Dale L. is happy with their teams because “it’s like all the Spice Girls and their body guard versus all the cool guys and their babysitter Carla.”



It took me about 9 hours from that comment's initial airing to realize that Dale was presumably considering himself one of the Spice Girls and Tre as the bodyguard.

Spike thinks his leadership style will be more fun than Tiffani’s. He tries to prove this by calling Fabio Fabian. Yeah, that’s fun. Casey and Dale L. crunch up the Ritz crackers for the coating, which Casey calls a “Ritz cracker handjob.” Blais compares Tiffani’s station to a “Liquid Nitrogen 101 class,” which he actually teaches. He wishes he was over there to show them how it’s done.

One hour! Dale T. and Angelo giggle about how hot it is when Jen gets in a controlling mode, which we all remember from Season 6. Dale T. likens being on Spike’s team to being asked “to make chicken soup with chicken shit.”

They load up the bags and head for the Museum of Natural History. Yay, dinosaurs! The chefs set up their snacks, and Stephen points out that it will come down to whether the kids want salty or sweet. Spike asks if anyone on his team knows any tricks to impress the kids.

The children invade, which Fabio says is “like madness, you know, is like cows. They jus’ open the cage weeth 300 leetle Tasmanian Deveels.” Spike campaigns to the kids, who don’t much seem to like the chips. Antonia and Jen try to rally the kids to Tiffani’s team. Jamie could not be less interested in kids. We see some kids having what appear to be sugar related seizures. Then they see Padma and freak out. . .

. . .oh wait. They’re freaking out about Joe Jonas. I guess Padma doesn’t have quite the clout with the under 10 set that she might with a more typical Bravo audience.

Joe Jonas conducts an applause-o-meter for the best snack. No one likes the red team’s healthy chips, but they all have happy sugar related seizures about Tiffani’s chocolate thing. She gets immunity and an advantage.

The children then leave, and the chefs are left to clean up the havoc they’ve created. Oh, but wait. Here’s Tom. Their elimination challenge starts. . .now. Stephen is pissed because he just wants to sleep. Commercial.

Tom tells them they’ll be joining the sleepover. They have to create breakfast for the kids and their parents for tomorrow morning, and service will start at 7:30. They’ll cook with what they can find in the museum kitchen. And their dishes must be inspired by the dinosaurs – one team will cook T-Rex food, which will be “meat and meat byproducts, such as eggs and dairy only.” Team Brontosaurus (which should really be Team Apatosaurus, duh Tom) will cook with fruits, veggies, and grains only.

Tiffani gets to choose, and she picks T-Rex. Tiffany thinks that’s a good move. They’ll spend the night in the hall of North American mammals, and one chef from the losing team will be eliminated.

They all head to their cots in the mammal hall. Stephen is not used to this level of discomfort, since his normal accommodations are more Manhattan/loft and less Mammal/cot. Tre is uncomfortable because he’s used to sleeping nekkid, and feels like he can’t. AMERICA WANTS YOU TO BE COMFORTABLE, TRE. Both teams break into pairs for their dishes and make kind of an imaginary wish list of what they’ll make based on what they hope to find.

Some of the chefs batten down for the night while the others – all dudes – go on a flashlight tour. Antonia points out that they’re only sleeping 45 minutes and thinks the dudes are insane . Antonia is totally wrong. As a long term insomniac and veteran of both grade school slumber parties and high school “rock-a-thon” fundraisers, I can say with certainty that you’re better off not sleeping at all than you are trying to sleep when you’re scheduled to wake up in 45 minutes.

On the flashlight tour, Fabio says they “walk throo aneemol corpse and skellyton an’ dinosaurs.” They read about the function of the brain, and Spike opines that the mostly girl team will be working with “sleepy brain” and will lose. Spike and the Natural History Museum are right. They find a Neanderthal that looks like Fabio, and an early woman that Dale L. compares to “Casey in the morning.”

3:44! Morning! Hall of Mammals! Shirtless Tre shakes off his short nap and prepares to cook. Thank you for that, Bravo. They head to the kitchens. 4 a.m. The foods they can use are labled with Brontosaurus and T-Rex tags. Tiffani says she made the assumption that “the carnivore was an omnivore.” But it’s not – it’s meat only. Which is exactly what Tom said when he introduced the challenge, but whatever Tiffani. Way to listen. They can’t even have flour or herbs or acid, and there’s no sausage for Jamie and Jen’s planned Scotch egg.

Carla thinks everything on their team will go well, but she’s worried about Stephen and Fabio’s gnocchi. Jamie cuts her thumb while slicing bacon, and gets sent to the hospital for stitches. Fabio talks about how he broke his finger during his season, but went on. That was a good episode.

Jen is forced to reconceptualize her dish. Tre is trying to get Casey on task. Casey talks about how well she and Tre get along, and how T-Rexes eat Brontosauri, based on Jurassic Park.

I don’t know which way to go with the snark on that comment– part of me wants to congratulate her on using such a scholarly source for her research, while another wants to point out how terrifically timely a Jurassic Park reference is. Judges?

Antonia and Tiffany have issues with their dish. Jen slips on the wet floor. Dale T.’s polenta cake isn’t happening, so they’re just making it as creamy polenta. 18 minutes. Fabio thinks Spike is stirring the gnocchi too aggressively.

9 minutes! Tiffany and Antonia feel good about their dish. Antonia mocks the other team for making gazpacho and gnocchi at 7:30 in the morning. Casey thinks Jen’s pork belly tastes like “wet bacon.” That can’t be good. Time! Commercial!

Back! The chefs go outside to set up their buffet. On Angelo’s orders, Carla starts cutting up Marcel’s plums. “You don’t fuck with someone’s mise en place,” Marcel informs us, and questions Angelo’s intentions.


Jamie returns with two stitches. “That’s it?” Tre says. Dale L. agrees that “2 stitches feels like a cop out. If you’re a real chef, that won’t be an issue.” Jamie is resigned to helping Jen out because she’s her teammate, but “that’s not my dish.” Casey doesn’t have time to taste Tre’s sauce, but trusts that it’s good from tasting it in the kitchen.

Enter the kids and parents, and then later the judges. Gail is the first to say hello to the chefs rather than Padma. Katie Lee, the host from the first season, is the guest Judge for tonight. She is also, importantly, now merely Katie Lee. She is no longer Katie Lee Joel, having divorced her husband, William, and hence can no longer be referred to by her old school Television Without Pity nickname, the Joelbot.

Stephen says it’s a “blast from the past” to cook for Katie Lee again.


Team Brontosaurus introduces their dishes: Dale and Mike I’s Fresh Corn Grits, Stewed Peppers, Salsa Verde; Angelo, Richard, and Marcel’s Banana Parfait with Seasonal Fruit & Tandoori Maple; Spike and Carla’s V9 Gazpacho with Fruits & Vegetables; and Stephen and Fabio’s Potato Gnocchi with Leeks, Spinach & Mushrooms.

The judges take their dishes over to tables that they share with with some unsuspecting kids and sit down. Gail thinks the Polenta dish is really creative. Katie Lee (no longer Joel) thinks the gnocchi has a good flavor. Fabio makes out with an old lady.


One of the children found the gazpacho too spicy, and a museum staffer doesn’t think the pepper mashes. Gail thinks the parfait is beautiful.

Next they head to Team T-Rex, where they’re served Tiffany and Antonia’s Mini Frittatas: Bacon & Cheddar, Ham & Cheese, Chèvre; Tre and Casey’s Salmon with Shrimp & Apple Smoked Bacon Sauce; Jen and Jamie’s Braised Bacon & Hard Boiled Eggs; and Dale L. and Tiffani’s Steak & Eggs with Hollandaise.

One of the children finds Jen and Jamie’s bacon chewy, and Gail agrees. As with wet bacon, no good can come from this description. The sauce on Tre and Casey’s salmon is too salty, and Tom finds some scales or something in his salmon. Katie Lee (no longer Joel) finds her frittatas undercooked. They like Dale and Tiffani’s steak and eggs.

The judges sit back down again. “Hi. How was your breakfast?” Gail says sunnily, followed shortly by Padma’s drawled “what was your favorite?”Oooh, I sense competing hostesses. Gail has totally gotten used to running her own show during the Just Desserts shoot, and is stepping up her game to overshadow the laconic Padma. Take her down, Gail! Take her down like. . .I don’t know. Someone with some knowledge of football could lend me a reference here. It would be helpful.

Commercial. I am so looking forward to the Housewives on The Fashion Show, I just can’t even tell you.

Back. Stew room. The Chefs debate how much of an advantage Tiffani getting to choose really was. Padma enters and calls back Team Brontosaurus. Dale L. thinks their dish choices were off and bizarre. Jen and Dale get into a little tiff about whether it’s better to cook for the judges or the diners. “I think that’s selfish, “ Dale says of Jen’s decision to cook to the judges. “Do you wanna win or do you wanna make the 150 people happy that you’re never gonna see again?” she asks.

Judges table. Padma congratulates Team Brontosaurus on their win. Padma and Tom compliment Stephen and Fabio’s gnocchi. Katie Lee (no Joel) loves the banana dish. The winning dish is. . .the banana parfait.

I will point out here that for all the judges’ insistence later that it didn’t matter that Brontosaurus didn’t make traditionally breakfast dishes, the most breakfast-like thing they produced won. Anyway. Angelo pats himself on the back for winning the first two challenges. Marcel thinks that if there’d been one winner, it would’ve been him.

The Brontosauri call back team T-Rex. The hapless carnivores with their tiny arms and tinier brains enter the judging room. Their nature tells them to fight, but their miniscule intellect leaves them ill equipped to strategize for battle, so they just lash out without purpose or direction. Anyway, Padma tells them their breakfast was their least favorite.

Tiffani explained that she didn’t think the advantage of picking was a real advantage. Tom points out that he said “only” animal products when he introduced the challenge, and that even if that wasn’t a give-away, they should’ve been able to adapt.

Tom says that there were inconsistencies in cooking with the frittatas, and Katie Lee (not Joel) bumps it up and says it was “definitely raw” and “runny when I cut into it.” Her comments in this episode have more character than anything she said in the whole first season. Someone wants her gig back.

Ooooh, three way hostess battle! Caged death match! Katie Lee (not Joel) vs. Padma Lakshmi (not Rushdie) vs. Gail Simmons (not Greene’s Hat)! Only one will survive!

Gail compliments the steak and eggs for flavor, but says it was very basic. Padma calls out Tre for his salty salmon rub.

Jen fidgets and Padma asks why she’s pissed off. Jen says she doesn’t feel like their team deserved to be there, and Tiffani agrees that the other team’s food didn’t feel like breakfast. Tom asks why they didn’t put things on separate plates, and Jen snarks that they’re the judges and should be smart enough to ask for a different dish.

Oh dear. This is not going to go well.

Jen says Jamie’s absence didn’t make a difference, and Antonia calls out Jamie for leaving. Gail says there was an issue of proportion with their dish, and Jen says “I disagree with you.” Tom says the egg was bland and she replies “no way. It wasn’t bland, the egg was seasoned perfectly. The bacon was very strong in flavor.” And vows to “fight to the death” on that issue.

What the hell? Have you – I mean – Seriously, a) has anything like this ever happened on the show before, ever? And b) did anything we saw of Jen in Season 6 give you the impression that she was capable of this sort of epically trainwrecky behavior? Seriously, it’s bizarre, and it’s uncomfortable to watch.

They return to the stew room where Jen cops to having yelled at the judges more than they yelled at them. Dale L. asks if she was like that during her own season. “Absolutely not,” she replies. “Welcome to Jen All Stars.”

Back in the judges table room, Gail is thrown by how angry Jen got. Tom says he doesn’t mind that, and that if someone goes home, they go for making a bad dish, not for talking back to the judges.

They agree that Tiffani and Dale are both safe. Tom had a lot of problems with Tiffany and Antonia’s dish, and Katie Lee (No Longer Joel) says she could’ve found the frittatas “on a hotel buffet or on a cruise ship.” She thought the salmon in Tre and Casey’s dish was good, but Gail says the sauce ‘blew out my palate.”

Tre thinks Jen jumped out in front of the bus. Yeah, that’s pretty much the only way to describe what happened. Gail thinks that the dish Jen described was not the dish she ate, Katie Lee (Not Joel) thinks it was “soft on top of soft on top of soft,” and Tom says the egg was bland, no matter what Jen said.

Then there’s the problem of Jamie, who can’t be credited for the dish’s success or failure. “Where to put her?” Gail wonders, and Padma thinks it must’ve been disheartening to hear her teammate say it made no difference that she wasn’t there. Commercial.

Back. Tom says they know it was a difficult challenge, but they shouldn’t have expected anything else. Tiffani and Dale are set free. Tiffany and Antoina’s dish was inconsistent. Tom admires Jen’s defense of the dish, but it doesn’t make the dish better. Tre’s sauce ruined the dish.

Padma tells. . .Jen to pack her knives and go. She giggles in what I can only assume is either a) a shock reaction or b) pure delight that her plan to get kicked off early and create as much of a mess as possible on her way out has succeeded beautifully. Tiffany and Antonia both say “holy shit.”

Jen thinks her dish was great and that she’s probably going for being too vocal at judges table. “Like my dad has always said, second place is still losing. So I wonder what he’s going to say about second to last.” She feels robbed, and doesn’t think it was right. Then she has a little swearing breakdown when she exits the room. It’s a little scary.

Next Week! Two chefs will go home! It’s going to be pretty brutal! What the fuck is going on! Stephen, I have my own palate. I probably should not have frozen my melons(that’s what she said). Dale had everything but the kitchen sink. . .and then the DVR cut off.

Top Chef All Stars: Deja Vu All Over Again

Elia is out
History repeats itself
But no heads were shaved

I am sitting here drumming my fingers against my chin trying to figure out how to start.

Let me say this first: I am super excited about this season. I can’t even begin to say how excited. I love the idea of an All Star season (as opposed to a shitty one-off All Star special like both Top Chef and Project Runway have done in the past.

And I’m 90% thrilled with the chefs they’ve gotten for it – a lot of them are people I like, and others are people who have been very fruitful to write about in a “feed my apoplectic rage” sort of way.

I was not, however, terribly excited about last night’s episode. There are a lot of reasons for this. The first, inevitably, is the same reason I’m never thrilled with any first episode. There are too many people. There’s too much “this is Jim from Colorado and Jane from New York and Tony from New Orleans” business. Eighteen chefs. Even when you already know them all and don’t have to worry about getting a sense of them as individuals for the first time in the five seconds of introduction they’re allotted, it’s still a lot of listing to do when it comes to the dishes they make and the reactions people have to them.

The second is that last night I went to a cocktail event for World AIDS day, where oh yeah, I MET MONDO (who is totally lovely and adorable in person, and a great speaker, and so tiny and skinny I could have carted him out of the room in my handbag), which was lovely, but it was also hours of standing around in four inch heels and drinking white wine. Which, if you’ve never done it, can be exhausting.

So by the time I got home last night, I was wiped out and more than a little tipsy, and I had forty five minutes to feed the cat, change into my pajamas, upload my pictures to facebook, and station myself on the sofa, with my laptop, to watch the show. And I was tiiiiiiii-erd. I actually started drooping at the eyelids during the last 20 minutes, so I may not have gotten some of the nuances during that part of the show.

And then third, there’s Elia. Elia was one of my favorite chefs during her season – her food always looked interesting (her breakfast tostada remains one of the best things I’ve made), and she had the sort of elastic faced reactions in her interviews that I could totally relate to because they were the ones I would’ve had myself.

But then there was the whole head shaving thing, and she turned out to be as much of a douche as the rest of the people on her season (and I don’t exempt Marcel from this – he may’ve been the victim of their collective douchiness, but he douched right back and you could even argue that he douched first). It’s the season 2 curse, really. No matter if I enjoyed you at the time, in retrospect you’ve been tarred with the collective douchey brush of that season.

Which is all a long way to say: it’s hard for me to have a strong reaction – good or bad – to her leaving. I’m just relieved to have one less reminder of season 2 around (especially since I suspect Marcel is in it at least to the halfway point).

Let’s stop prefacing and just get down to it, yes? We open, as we are wont to do with the credits. They’re pretty much a riff on the standard Top Chef credits, but they do outline some of the differences between this season and others, like. . .OH MY GOD, BOURDAIN!!! I had literally forgotten until the credits that he was going to be a regular judge this time. Anyway, the winner gets a feature in Food and Wine, a showcase at Aspen, $200,000 from Buttoni, and the title “that’s eluded them all: Top Chef”.

Undisclosed time of day! New York! The Top Chef All Stars begin rolling up to their ridiculously gorgeous apartment. Conveniently, they seem to arrive in order of season (emphasis on “seem,” I suspect). Tiffani is the first to get there and remind us that she was “neck and neck” for the win during the first season. And then there’s Stephen, who may best be remembered as the “top sommelier” or the “tool and a douchebag” from season one, but who is now a “hospitality entrepreneur.” Then there’s Season two’s Elia, who’s shaved hair has entirely grown back in the intervening four-ish years, and Marcel, with less tall hair than he had before.

Tre, who everyone blamed my beloved CJ for the ouster of, is the first season 3 representative. I love Tre, almost as much as I love CJ. And almost as much as I love Dale from Season 3 (does anyone know if he's still dating Jack from Project Runway?). And more than I love Casey, who is here just so they can revive the whole Carla controversy.

Next up, Season 4 starts to arrive in the form of Richard, who I’ve seen in person and eaten his burgers and who has a female wife. Also from Season 4 is Spike, who I’ve come to kind of like in person even though he was a master douche on the show. And Antonia, who is determined to beat Spike again. And Dale T, who you may remember as having some rage problems and punching a locker.

Next comes Season Five. Yay, it’s Jamie! I still love her for being my best friend’s lesbian doppelganger. She looks like she’s lost some weight – or was she always super tiny? And then we have Fabio and his accent. He tells us that he is “like the underdog. Italian dog. The good one.” He doesn’t want to see Marcel because of the horrible confrontations they had at that shitty reunion. And guess who greets him. This is lovely. And here’s Carla. Jesus, it’s like old home week or something.

From season 6, we have another of my all time favorites, Jen Carroll. Richard Blais thinks she’s the strongest competitor in his eyes. There’s also Mike I., one of my all time non-favorites. And finally from Season 7, Angelo and Tiffany turn up. If I seem less excited about them than I am the others, it’s because I am. We haven’t even had time to miss them yet, and I kind of feel like a much more equitable way to get to 18 chefs would be to have 3 back from each of the first 6 seasons, not this two from one, four from another business.

And now that everyone’s arrived, the show can properly begin. The Startestants put on their spiffy black chef coats, and Dale L. says this is when it becomes “real. Then they head out to the Top Chef kitchen, where Padma and Tom await them.

Padma welcomes them back and reminds them that while they were considered some of the best, none of them took the grand prize. So there’s a lot more at stake for the winner of this season – half a million in cash and prizes, and $200K for the winner. Commercial!

Back. Tom talks about how every time they see him, they brag about their season being the best. Just for what it’s worth, seasons 2, 5, and 7 should just shut the hell up on that count – they don’t even have a dog in that fight. So for the quickfire, the chefs from each season will work as a team to make a dish that represents their season’s city (see, again – how much better would it be if there were three chefs from each of the first 6 seasons instead of having one team with four players, one with three, and the rest with two each). The winning team will get immunity for the first elimination challenge. They have 25 minutes, and time starts.. . now!

All Star Food Flurry! Antonia talks about how having 4 people with their season means a lot of voices. They’re making a Chicago dog to represent Season 4. Angelo and Tiffany seem to be working nicely together on a Crab/Rockfish dish. The New York season does a trio of apples, but they’re all doing their own thing. That’s a nice way to represent the dysfunction of that season. The three from Miami work together with some mangoes, avocados, pork and plantains. Elia and Marcel go with fish tacos for LA because in Marcel’s words “it’s really easy to make in 25 minutes.” And kickin’ it old school are Tiffani and Stephen with their cioppino. Tiffani thinks Stephen is a little rusty, but they’re still the originals. Since Vegas doesn’t really have a regional cuisine of its own, the season 7 team is going “old school Italian mobster scene.”

And that underlines another inequity of this challenge – some of these cities are known for particular foods. Chicago went hot dog but they could easily have done pizza (ok, in 25 minutes, maybe not easily) and Miami is known for Cuban food. But others are just known for being food cities – places with great restaurants, but not a traditional dish that’s easy to latch onto and represent in under half an hour.

7.5 minutes left. Blais is making liquid nitrogen mustard ice cream. Five minutes. Angelo gets bumped by Stephen and his fish hits the floor. Three minutes. Miami’s pork isn’t cooking. Time!

Tom and Padma start with Season One’s San Francisco Cioppino Gazpacho with Sourdough. Then they have season two’s Los Angeles Shrimp Tacos with Guacamole in an Apple Wrapper. Season Three has Miami Pork Tenderloin, Avocado Lime Puree, Tostones, Habanero Sauce. Season Four’s is Chicago Pork and Black Pepper Sausage, Mustard Ice Cream. New York has the trio of apples: New York Curried Apple Soup, Pasta with Caramelized Apple, Rib Eye with Apple. “Interesting flavors’ Padma tells them. “Interesting. That’s the kiss of death,” Carla warns us.

Tom and Padma move along to season Six with their Las Vegas Bucatini with Bacon Lobster Carbonara, and Season 7 with their Washington D.C. Crab Cake Essence with Rockfish, Lemongrass, Jalapeno, Old Bay. And then we head to a . . .commercial!

Back! Tom tells the bad news first: Marcel and Elia’s shrimp needed more seasoning and the apple was too thin. Tiffani and Stephen had two much raw garlic. Season 5’s dishes didn’t relate to each other, and Carla and Fabio’s offerings were merely “ok,” though Jamie’s soup was good. Finally, season 7 had too much salt.

On the flip side, season 3 had great flavors. Chicago’s was inventive. And Season 6 had great flavor and well made pasta. And the winners are. . .Season 4! They all get immunity for the first challenge. Which is. . .

A bunch of waiters bring out covered dishes for each of them. Lifting the covers, they find the ingredients for the dishes that got them sent home from their. They have to turn the dish that sent them packing their knives to go into a success.

They’ll have 3 hours tonight and 2 at the Russian Tea Room the next day. And their time starts. . .Now!

Redemptive food flurry! Spike is reliving his frozen scallop nightmare, and is trying to mask their flavor every way possible. Dale T. has to remake his infamous butterscotch scallops, and knows that the concept is bad from the start.

Fabio still doesn’t think there was anything wrong with his dish the first time. Anyone you hear saying that is immediately in trouble for this challenge, and probably won’t last very many episodes – you can’t have learned and grown from your mistakes if you’re still not ready to admit that you made them in the first place.

Stephen has to do 3 dishes that aren’t his own for focusing on the wine service during the season 1 wedding challenge, and he seems at a loss. Tre thinks Stephen didn’t come to the competition out o f the restaurant trenches like the rest of them did,“he came out of Macy’s day parade or something.”

Elia still believes she shouldn’t have been eliminated for her dish, and decides to be true to the ingredients and modify them as little as possible. Doom. Blais helps Jamie with the sous vide machine, and she worries about remaking Eric Ripert’s dish badly twice (shouldn’t she ask Jen, then? That would be my first instinct if I’d crapped up my secret baby daddy’s food – ask the chef who works for him). Blais is intrigued by Angelo, who is making noodles. Dale T. has all manner of steam and muffins going on at his station because he has immunity.

Mike Isabella whines about having to remake his vegetarian dish when he’s competing against people who failed at pork belly and more flavorful ingredients.
Carla is remaking the dish that Casey suggested she sous vide. She insists that she doesn’t blame Casey at all. Why do I get the feeling that Bravo is going to milk the existing conflicts as much as possible? Every time Carla talks about not blaming Casey, or Fabio talks about hating Marcel, or Antonia mentions wanting to beat Spike again, we should all just take a drink. Five minutes. Antonia still thinks Spike is sneaky and devious. Drink! Time! Commercial!

Back. Fakeback. Elia and Carla sympathize about going home at the finale, and reminisce about Elia’s shaved head. Because that was. . .fun. What with the assault and all involved. But she was a good looking bald woman. She wants to show the judges that she’s more mature now than she was during that incident. Not a big stretch there, champ -- all you’ve got to do is avoid turning into a cheerleader for violence and you’re officially all growds up.

Back. Next day. Russian Tea Room. The chefs flood into the teeny kitchen (apropos of nothing, I wrote that as “the cats flood into the tiny kitchen” last night. I can only assume it was one of the 70 plus times I had to keep the cat from walking across the keyboard). Tom thru! He tells them since the space is so limited, they’ll split into two groups of 9, and each group will taste the other’s food. The winner of this challenge will get $10,000.

Two hours for Group One to cook. Stephen worries about the number of dishes he has to prepare. Angelo loves the dish he’s cooking. 13 minutes. Blais is going to push all the way to the end. The judges – Padma, Tom, Bourdain(!!!) and Gail sit down and wait.

Two minutes. Tiffani is worried about Stephen because he’s not finishing his plating in time. Time! Tre is steamed that Richard continues plating his dish after time is up.

There’s a TV in the back so the chefs can watch the judges and diners eat and hear their critiques. Elia sequesters herself in a corner, not wanting to watch.

Jen and Casey both like Blais’s Pork Belly with Bread and Butter Radishes, Mirin & Cheddar. Mike I thinks Angelo’s Homemade Ramen with Sweet Glazed Pork Belly & Watermelon has solid flavor. Tom likes Dale T’s Butterscotch Miso Scallops with Crispy Long Beans & Spicy Eggplants and Bourdain opines that he “unfucked’ the dish.

Carla thinks Tiffany’s Pan-Seared Halibut, Coconut Curry, Steamed Rice Balls & Pea Tendrils is overcooked. Jen thinks the “toast” overpowers Tre’s Cured Wild King Salmon, Grapefruit Gelee, Salted Macadamia Cookie. Spike enjoys Tiffani’s Crispy Branzino, Black Olive Pappardelle & Spicy Fennel, but it throws Mike off. No one seems to like Stephen’s Lobster Harumaki, Hibiscus Ponzu & Coriander. Antonia doesn’t get the basil and paper on Fabio’s Handmade Caserecci, Crawfish & Crab Stew, and Bourdain hates it altogether. “Bourdain say some stoopeed comment, so I make sure dat after I weel let them know what I really theeenk about it,” Fabio tells us. And a lot of people feel like Elia gave up on her Red Snapper Steamed in Ti with Snapper Jus.

The second group of chefs goes back to the kitchen. Casey is nervous because the other group’s food was good. Jen thinks she’s on the top. Jamie worries about being the first eliminated.

The second group of diners sits down. Elia thinks it’s a “bad situation” to be sitting down after hearing the feedback previously. “This is like the most awkward Thanksgiving ever” Tiffani says after Fabio calls Bourdain out for hating his food.

In the back, the other chefs discover the TVs. Antonia worries that they’ll rip them to shreds because they saw the earlier critique. I feel like someone always thinks that when there’s a challenge like this, but then the second group generally ends up being kinder because they’re cognizant the other group is watching. Commercial.

Back. The second group starts tasting. Blais and Tre enjoy Antonia’s Sausage with Cilantro, Pigeon Pea Puree & Roasted Cherry Clossoms [sic] (welcome back, Bravo interns. I’ve thrown cherry clossoms to line the path of your return), but Tiffany finds it “incomplete.” Bourdain says he could’ve “lived without the scallops” in Spike’s Pickled Mushrooms, Scallops, Lime Dressing with Hearts of Palm Salad because the flavor of them is so completely disguised, and thinks he’s “the craftiest mothefucker who’s ever been on this show.”

Tom thinks Jamie made Ripert’s Pan-Seared Black Bass, Celery, Green Peppercorn Sauce & Herb Salad her own this time. Tre thought Mike’s Melted Leeks, Carrot Puree & Salt Crusted Potatoes was a good revamp, and Blais found it the most visually appealing. Dale T. can’t get past the dumpling in Dale L’s Curry Poached Lobster Dumplings, Chanterelle, Corn & Bacon. Angelo got the nerve endings in Carla’s Grilled Strip Steak, Smashed Potatoes, Tarragon Butter & Red Wine Sauce. Gail thinks Casey definitely improved on her Molasses Glazed Pork Belly, Pickled Peaches, Whipped Crème Fraiche. Tre is thrown off by the vanilla in Marcel’s Uni & Caviar, Meyer Lemon Gelee, Fennel Cream & Kalamata Olive Dust, but Fabio thinks it takes balls to put the dish off. Bourdain says the only problem in Jen’s Duck, Squash, Foie Gras, Apple Cider Vinaigrette, Micro Arugula is the duck, and Tiffani is surprised by the technical errors.

Padma dismisses the cheftestant/diners and says they’ll see them at Judges table.

In the all-star-stew, the chefs shoot the shit about how they hate being on the judging side, and how Richard went over time.

Padma calls back Spike, Jamie, Richard and Angelo. On entering the judges table, Tom tells Richard they wanted to acknowledge that he made a great dish, but won’t be eligible for the win since he went over the cook time. He’s dismissed, but pissed off – he doesn’t think he went over, even though Tom tells him he saw the footage.

Padma congratulates the other three. Gail thought Jamie’s fish was beautiful. Tom asks if this is something she thinks she’ll serve now. “Absolutely not,” she says. They laugh. Tom also congratulates Angelo on having “killed” the watermelon tea. Bourdain thinks Spike dealt with his dish in a really smart way.

Tom says that the winner of the challenge is. . .Angelo. Oh good. Give him another season to be insufferable about winning right off the bat. He gets $10,000, and Padma asks him to send back some of his colleagues.

Angelo calls back Fabio, Stephen, and Elia as the bottom 3. Padma asks Stephen to walk them through his dish. Bourdain says the first dish was monochromatic. Tom says the proportions were all off.

Elia says she wanted to keep things simple, but Gail says her fish was raw. She apparently didn’t test the technique before, and Bourdain says she was her own worst enemy.

Gail tells Fabio his was overdressed and overdone, and Bourdain wants to know what he was thinking about the presentation. Fabio tells him he’s there to be criticized constructively, not made fun of.

Padma says they’ll call them back when they have a decision, and Elia throws in one last “don’t eliminate me, I have a lot more to do.” It’s a little bizarre.

Deliberation. Tom says Elia didn’t change or improve on the dish she did before. Bourdain doesn’t know what Fabio’s problem is. Stephen’s proportions were a mess, and Gail thinks that since he didn’t have a grasp on what it was supposed to be, he didn’t know how to make it better. Bourdain claims it gave him fond memories of his last colonoscopy. Commercial.

Back. Tom tells them that the challenge was to improve the dish that sent them home, and they didn’t. Fabio’s presentation was clunky. Elia should’ve been able to deal with the variations in her ingredients. And Stephen’s food was out of balance and murky.

Padma asks Elia to pack her knives and go. Elia says she’s really upset because she came sure she was going to make it far. She says being the first to go home “is almost not worth that you came,” and that you can’t help taking t to heart.

This season! “it’s not called Top Chef mediocre!” “Challenges are brilliant!” Paula Deen! Jimmy Fallon! Children! Muppets! “is me kind of place!” “we have to cook head to head against Tom!” I have to go to the hospital. “I just want to choke the guy” “you did a terrible thing to a beautiful piece of veal.” And then my DVR cut out in the middle of Mike I yelling at someone.