The Fashion Show Express Lane Recaplet: We got ruffle. We got hunchback. We got pig.

Happy Wednesday morning, wee birds. How are you all? Did all two of you who watch The Fashion Show enjoy the episode?

I loved the premise – anything that involves vintage accessories is going to get an enthusiastic thumbs up, plus a standing ovation from me.

But in execution. . .let me be honest: I’d just come home from dinner at Birch & Barley, which was delicious but very, very heavy. I was about ready to drop, fighting the nods throughout, and after the first five or ten minutes, the episode didn’t do much to help with that. And neither did the fashions – for all the judges’ enthusing about them, there were very few that I found noteworthy.

Whatever, though. Count up your items and head for the check-out:

1. Calvin does a little mini-workout on the balcony while reflecting on how he’s the only one without a win yet. So right away we know a) he’s not going home tonight, and may even win; and b) Calvin is one of those annoying people who manages to sneak in one of those magazine workouts where you do dips off of a chair and stuff even if a gym is not available.

2. The designers head to New York Vintage. Jeffery takes in all the gorgeous clothes and accessories and immediately says “I want to play dress up right. Now.” Me too, Jeffery. Me too. Then Iman arrives to do the now near ubiquitous shuffling of the teams, switching Jeffery back to team Emerald with Cesar. They’re happy. Dominique is not.

3. Simon Doonan enters. I have mixed feelings about Simon Doonan. I love love LOVE the fictional version of his adolescent self on Beautiful People, and I love the world that show creates, which is based on his memories and his imagination. So I should love him, right? But every time I see actual factual Simon Doonan, judging on Iron Chef America or here or something, I think “oh, him.” Maybe I should read his books to try and resolve that dissonance.

Anyway, since one of his books is titled Eccentric Glamour, this challenge will be about creating eccentric glamour. Simon Doonan will select two accessories for each of them, and their team’s collection must be designed around the accessories.

So he gives Dominique a sequined purse shaped like a pig and a bustle. Eduardo gets a fluffy hat and a silver belt. Calvin is given gloves and a ruff. Caesar gets a flower brooch that I crave (it is so Joan Crawford as Mildred Pierce) and a . . .bird drinking out of a coffee mug, which I guess is attached to some sort of hat or fascinator or something. Jeffery gets some chandelier earrings and a feather capelet.

Then Iman drops the bomb: they have to make two looks. Each. One for each accessory. And the show? Oh, it’s tomorrow.

So we go through the sketching thing and the fabric thing and the idea board thing. And Isaac comes for the Isaac thing.

4. Isaac gives some sound advice, telling Calvin he HAS to win this week because he’s hanging on for dear life. He also tries to talk Cesar out of dying his fabric. Cesar is hard to convince on this matter.

5. We learn that if Calvin wins, he plans to donate all the money to the Gay Men’s Health Crisis because they’ve helped him cope with the impending death of his partner of ten years. They are investing soooo much time in humanizing Calvin this episode. I wish they’d dripped this out by teaspoons over the course of the season instead of pushing it all now. Anyway, he then decides that his dresses are likely to get lost among Eduardo and Dominique’s more eccentric clothes, and he starts over.

6. Dominique is super confident about the pig coat she’s made to go with her pig purse. Calvin sagely points out in an interview that “jus becaw you draw a peeg face on it doesn’t make it a good coat.” Dominique even trots out of the room as they’re leaving “pig coat, pig coat, pig coat.” I would probably punch her in the face.

Then they do the getting to the show thing and the hair and make up thing and the rushing around doing last minute fixes thing, and we get the show.

7. Nami presents first, opening with Dominique’s pig coat. It’s a nice shape in theory, but it’s made of such shitty fabric that the shape can’t possibly hold, and it ends up looking like a sad sack. Calvin’s looks are a simple black asymmetrical dress to go with his gloves and a long black halter dress with a train to go with the ruff. Eduardo’s first look is AMAZING – palazzo pants and this top with giant, face eating ruffles to go with his belt. But for his second, he’s defaulted to his typical short ruffled cocktail dress to go with his hat. We close with Danielle’s final look, an off-white dress that uses the bustle as a cape. I hope it looks better in person, because on TV it is a visual snooze.

Emerald opens their show with Jeffery’s first look: white leggings and a white tunic with the barest hint of colors in a chiffon train at the back to pair with his feathered capelet. Then Cesar’s looks come out: first a white halter wrap dress with a jacket to go with his bird/coffee cup hat. It’s very simple, but I would wear the hell of it. He’s also made a white one/sleeved gown that’s kind of Dynasty to go with his flower pin – it’s a great pairing by itself, even if I’m not personally sold on the dress, but the real kicker is that he’s made this huge muff that looks like a bird’s nest to tie that look into the bird theme of the rest of their pieces. I die. It’s adorable. We close with Jeffery’s final look, a white dress with cut-outs to go with his chandelier earrings.

At the end of both shows, Calvin tells us “I don’t think Emerald did a strong collection at all. Nami much better. We got ruffle. We got hunchback. We got pig.”
8. Iman and Isaac come back to the lounge and tell them this was the strongest show for both teams. I just. . .I don’t know if I see it. There were some good looks, but there were an awful lot of shapeless white sacks too. Ultimately, House of Emerald is the winning house. The individual winner is Jeffery, who will get to choose one accessory from New York Vintage to add to his final collection, and an additional $500 for his final challenge if he makes it to the finale.

9. Nami shuffles out onto the runway, where Iman and Isaac talk about how tough it’s going to be tonight because all the looks are so great. I feel like Michael Bluth looking at Ann. Her? I see “great” in exactly one look here – Eduardo’s pants. The rest of it is Calvin’s usual mediocrity, Eduardo’s usual ruffles, or Dominique’s white sacks.

10. They run through the critique: they’re not sure if Eduardo’s dress meets the challenge, but they think he succeeded with the pants (ding!). Isaac adores the bravery in Dominique’s coat, but he and Iman both think the coat is cheap looking (ding!). Isaac says the dress looks rushed, and almost like a visual joke (ding ding!). They think Calvin’s long dress is rushed and clumsy, but love his cocktail dress for some reason.

11. The designers are sent off during the commercial, and brought back for their scathing Iman critique. Dominique’s “execution was atrocious.” Eduardo’s “cocktail dress was the same thing we’ve seen from you before.” And Calvin’s long dress was “clumsy and overdone.”

12. Calvin, of course, gets to stay. Even he doesn’t quite seem to believe it.

13. Eduardo is out. He’s confused and surprised, and hopes the judges don’t end up regretting the decision.