The Fashion Show Express Lane Recaplet: Elements of Style

I was thinking about an introduction to this post, and there are three things I came up with:

Number one: that was the most bog-standard last episode before a finale I’ve ever seen.

Number two: that was the most predictable outcome they could’ve decided on.

Number three: I was thinking about how I’ve probably never been so apathetic to an entire group of finalists before, and then I realized that for the most part, I’ve been largely apathetic to the entire field of designers they’ve had on. There were some individual looks throughout the show that stood out, but no one’s had an identifiable signature aesthetic that I absolutely loved or absolutely loathed. Calvin is a douche, yes, but he’s such a cartoon about it that it’s hard to get het up about. Jeffery is. . .young, and Dominique is young and slightly insufferable.

So I don’t really give a shit who wins next week, and very little actually went on in this episode that you couldn’t see coming from a mile away. So let’s just go –Express Lane….hit it.

(I would, before we really get going, like to point out that the final four designers are the last designers shown in the credits. Total coincidence or Bravo giveaway?)

1. In one of the designers’ apartments, Jeffery and Dominique complain about Eduardo being gone instead of Calvin. In the other apartment, Calvin says Eduardo was a good dressmaker but a one-dimensional designer. They all head off to meet Iman on some Pier – either 52 or 62. Does it matter?

2. Iman tells them that this will be their last challenge as houses. She points out that Nami has 8 wins and Emerald only has 2. This is an absolutely meaningless statistic given the amount of team switching up that’s gone on. Dominique can be proud because (I think) she’s been on Nami the whole time, but everyone else has moved back and forth – Cesar was with Emerald for both of its wins and Nami for 2 of them; Calvin was with Emerald for its first two losses and has had little to do with Nami’s success since.

Anyway, the challenge is that they have to make a collection based on the elements, which Iman tells us are water, earth, air, and wind. What about fire, Iman? What about fire? And I spent a minute thinking that Project Runway had done this exact challenge, but then I realized it was Top Chef.

ANYWAY. They have to make three looks per designer, and the winning team not only moves on to the finale, but they each get a Ford Edge (aka the product placement vehicle I’ve never paid attention to).

3. They go on a boat ride for inspiration. Cesar and Jeffery choose a standard air/water palette of seafoam and blues, while Calvin and Dominique go with the colors that represent the elements in ancient Chinese culture – camels, blacks, and whites. Right away this is enough of a "concept" that you know they’re going to win unless they utterly shit the bed, which, with Dominique letting Calvin take the lead, is always a possibility.

4. We then get about 40 minutes of a very standard penultimate episode. There’s a lot of banal discussion about the various journey’s they’ve been on, and a lot of overconfidence. Cesar feels like his late partner Seth is with him, and Calvin karate kicks the air a lot and calls people retarded.

5. So let’s cut right to the fashion show! House of Emerald presents first, opening with Jeffery’s looks. His first is what looks like a long slate blue dress (we will later learn it’s a sarong skirt) with a zip-up white jersey over it. The only thing interesting about it is that it’s got a sheer panel in the back. Next he’s made a really interesting grey and black gown that’s meant to represent the rocks under the water. I really like it. Then there’s a very nineteen-teens looking seafoam green bilayer goddess/tunic type dress. I like this one too, but since I'm currently getting my Sunday night costume porn fix courtesy of Downton Abbey, that probably explains at least part of my appeal.

Cesar’s three looks follow, beginning with a short purple-blue dress with a giant puffy jacket. The dress is kind of ugly, and the proportions are janked. Next there’s a very standard looking one shouldered greenish goddess dress, and finally a gown in shades of blue.

House of Nami is next, and before commenting on the clothes, I have to say their show is brilliantly staged. It’s a little funereal at first with everyone trudging through snow with the white Kabuki makeup, but the impact it builds to with the wind and Calvin’s final dress is amazing.

Anyway, they begin with Dominique’s looks. The first one is a white toga with a beige Jesus coat over it. It’s. . .very Jesusy looking. I can’t get past that. Jesus is many thing, darlings, but he’s not chic. Then there are some camel colored shorts and a giant white poncho. Hate it. Finaly there’s a really interesting black gown with a structural hood/wave going over the head.

Calvin’s looks finish the night, beginning with a weird camel colored suit thing that’s padded out to look like the model’s pregnant. Then there’s a camel cloak thing over a black dress, which is fine, but just looks sort of lumpy and unfinished to me. It's less like a dress than like when I wrap myself in one of the blankets from the couch. Finally there’s a floaty white cocktail dress, which closes the show beautifully when the model stands at the back of the runway, hit with a spotlight and a wind machine and letting the different tiers blow backward.

6. We get a short fakeback scene of Isaac making references that designers don’t get. They’re “crazy” references to things like Schiaparelli and Zola and Cecil Beaton. I think the intent is to make Isaac look really smart and like he’s just a font of eclectic knowledge, but really it just makes the designers look like morons. What kind of designer doesn’t know who Schiaparelli is?

7. Judging time! The guest judges are Glenda Bailey from Harper’s Bazaar and Gilles Mendel from J. Mendel.

8. Isaac and Iman tell them that both teams did “great.” They begin critique with Emerald. Isaac says the show was fluid throughout, but he doesn’t want the white jacket to be there.

They love Cesar’s goddess dress, but they don’t care for the dress with the jacket (left, without jacket), saying the fabric didn’t work with the collection. Iman cites it as an example of how “the single dress can destroy the collection.”

They love Jeffery’s grey dress (right), though there’s some deliberation about the leggings it’s paired with. They don’t care for the white jacket look. Iman says it’s just pieces of things put together that don’t make any sense, and when they learn the dress is a sarong skirt, they point out that he’s covered up the most interesting part of it.

9. Moving to Nami, they love Dominique’s shorts look (right, below) for some reason, though Gilles Mendel points out that it’s badly finished. Isaac likes the experimental nature and Glenda Bailey thinks it’s “right right now.” They don’t care for the Jesus dress, though, calling it “too droopy.”

They think Calvin’s camel coat with the black dress (left, below) is very fashion forward, and Iman can see “a lot of young girls” wearing it.

This is where I have to pause and bang my head against the wall for awhile. Really Iman? Really? You can see a lot of young girls wearing an outfit that looks like they left the house swathed in two layers of blankets? You must know some different young girls than I do.

They don’t care for the pregnant look, though, with Isaac saying “it doesn’t look pregnant, it looks malignant,” and Glenda Bailey calling it “an ad for back pain medication.” HAH. Isaac then gives the ultimate burn, saying he doesn’t even “like it enough to hate it.”

10. Anyway, Nami is the winning house. They each get a car and freak out a lot


11. In one final twist, Cesar and Jeffery are each given 45 minutes to revise their weakest look. We get a very brief fashion flurry.

12. Cesar cuts the bottom off of his cocktail dress and turns the top into a twisty tank, pairing it with a slender sarong skirt. Jeffery loses the white jacket from his look and makes a grey shirt with a very deep v-neck to go with it.

13. Iman tells Cesar that he’s an “incredible technician” who can make anything beautifully, and Jeffery that he’s given them some gorgeous original looks.

14. The judges are told to write the name of the designer they want to stay. The first designer to get three votes will stay. Iman reads the first three votes, and they’re all for Jeffery. So he stays and Cesar is out of fashion.

15. Cesar doesn’t think he should be going home, but he’ll be proud of either Dominique or Jeffery winning.

So that's it, my limpets. Next week we check out of this season of The Fashion Show for good. Who will win? Who will lose? Who will care?