The Fashion Show Express Lane Recaplet: Congratumalations, Jeffrey

First, before you get sanctimonious on me, yes I did watch the State of the Union first, and then flipped to DVR and watched The Fashion Show. This is despite the fact that at ten on the dot, my cat walked over to the television, stood on her hind legs, and started smacking the President in the face. She has never attacked the TV before. My options are either to believe that my cat is a Tea Partier, or that she really, really wanted to watch The Fashion Show finale. I choose to believe the latter.

Second, what a nice little show! What a nice way to close out a season that was such a huge improvement over the first one! How great to see good work from all the finalists, great work from two of them, and the best man winning! It’s such a nice little palate cleanser after the hot messes the most recent Project Runway and Top Chef (original recipe, not Just Desserts) have made of their finales!

Let’s push our carts toward the express lane one last time and see how that came about, shall we?

1. We open with some very typical finale type jazz about how crazy it is to be in the finale, except for Jeffrey, who is confident. That bodes not well for Jeffrey, under most circumstances, but we’re now living in bizarro world, where a major news network will broadcast the unhinged rantings of a representative of what is at worst a radical fringe group and at best a third party disorganized even by third party standards. So (spoiler) maybe the kid will be alright.

2. The designers wander across New York and into a show room, where they’re confronted with 6 of their looks from the competition, some of which are still really shitty. Iman greets them and reminds them of the prizes – the winner gets a shit-ton of cash and some other good stuff, while the losers will be tortured for years in Iman’s personal sex basement. Hahahahahaha, just kidding (only I’m not). She recaps their progress throughout the season, reminding them, in case the visual wasn’t enough, that they were sometimes really shitty. She then explains their final challenge – they’ll have to create 9 looks for their Ultimate Collection show, and they have a week to do it. They each get a base budget of $3600; Jeffrey gets an additional $1000 because he’s won two challenges; Dominique gets an extra $500 because even though she won two challenges, she opted for immunity rather than the cash in one of them.

Calvin, Iman reminds us, has somehow stumbled toward the finish line despite not having won a single challenge during the show, and coming in at the bottom almost every time.

3. The designers sit and peer up at their previous work and sketch. Calvin is relieved not to have to fight other people for ideas. Dominique is relieved by the silence. Jeffrey thinks about his dead mother. Then they go shopping. Calvin chooses all black fabrics, and criticizes some of Jeffrey’s red fabrics as looking “poorly cheap.”

4. They each get their time with Isaac and their mood boards. Calvin’s inspiration for his collection is his “journey of me as an angry person through the competition to the more peaceful journey I am now.” Dominique’s, similarly, is the competition’s progress from noise/chaos into silence. Isaac tells Jeffrey he could use some simplification.

5. Work time! We learn that Calvin only wears black because he’s a water sign (me too!), he was born in a water year (and that’s where our similarities end – I’m a fire snake), and he’s very superstitious. He never wears red, because that’s fire and he thinks it would harm him (this is clearly why I wear red frequently and black seldom. Except it’s not – I just think black makes me like a sallow Italian grandmother – but my new excuse is going to be “I don’t want to quench my SPIRITUAL FIRE.”). Jeffrey and Dominique acknowledge Calvin’s skill and speed, but say he needs to edit.

Jeffrey talks some more about his mother, who died of breast cancer when he was 20.

I am torn between wanting to crack my head against the wall with frustration about all the dead mother talk and my inability to mock anyone who loses someone to cancer.

We speed through their work time until we land on day 4. Dominique starts dyeing something in an homage to Cesar, and compares her “understated confidence” to “wearing good lingerie” – even if no one else knows it’s there, it makes you feel good. Calvin thinks she’s foolish to dye something when the king of dying – Cesar – went out for dyed garments.

Calvin, as per usual, finishes early and decides to make more looks. He does a red dress – despite his earlier fire superstitions – and dedicates it to his dying lover.

6. On day 5, Iman walks in with a surprise – the losing designers will be sacrificed on her mighty altar, and she will drink their blood. Hahahaha no, just kidding (only I’m not). She actually has envelopes describing a tenth look the judges want them to make to demonstrate range.

I REALLY like this twist on the near-ubiquitous extra look “shocker” we’ve seen in lo so many seasons of Project Runway – it’s so much more of a true challenge than it is to allow a competitor to crank out one more design that’s right in their wheelhouse.

Anyway, for this extra challenge, Calvin will make a pants suit; Jeffrey will make a strapless dress; and Danielle will make business attire. But they’ll have extra help – Tamara has been brought back to help Calvin, since she’s pretty much the only one who could stand him; Cindy is here for Jeffrey since giving him Cesar would be too much of an advantage; and Dominique, of course, gets Daniel, because for some perverse reason Bravo is bound and determined to cram their gross adolescent “love story” down our throats.

I’m sorry. They’re nicer and more attractive people than Leah and Hosea, by a country mile, but they’re both juvenile charisma free fetus lunks, and I have absolutely zero interest in watching them flirt like high school students.

Then we see a lot more work, with Jeffrey and Cindy rushing to finish, Tamara and Calvin being very relaxed because they have no work to do compared with the others, and Calvin comparing Dominique’s clothes to “big potato sack.”

7. We eventually get through all the work, all the hair and make-up consults with people who are not Collier Strong or the handlebar moustache hair man, and get to the show, where a surprise awaits them – their families! Calvin’s mother is adorable (even though she chews gum and looks pretty disinterested during his show).

So let’s get to the clothes, huh?

8. Calvin’s collection goes first, opening with a cute but very basic short black dress with an interesting draped neck. It’s followed by a long black dress with a similar treatment at the neck. Then there’s a long black dress with a capelet thing on the non-sleeved shoulder. I’m beginning to get restless from all the black dresses, when a black and white one sleeved tunic with pants comes out. Love it. It’s followed by a pair of white palazzo pants with a huge black and white coat (right). SUPER love it. Next are black pants with a white top and a cape, then black pants with a cute black top with a white neck thing. His tenth look – a tuxedo inspired pants suit, follows. Then there’s a long black gown with a tie in the back. His show closes with a really, really lovely long red gown with one shoulder and a low back (left). It’s gorgeous, and it puts the perfect exclamation point on the end of his collection.


9. During commercials, we get a fakeback scene where Tamara wants the “juicy details” of what happened between Dominique and Daniel while she was gone. That makes ONE person (beyond the two of them) who’s interested. Stop trying to make the fetus lunks happen, Bravo. The fetus lunks are not going to happen.

10. We return from commercial to Dominique’s show, which opens with a frumpy beige blazer over a white micro dress (right). Then there’s a cute beige bandage look dress that I really like. Next comes a grey wrap-esque dress over a slightly longer black skirt, and a giant brown poncho and shorts. We’ve hit the ugly homeless portion of the collection, apparently, because this is followed by an asymmetrical top with horrible bloomers. Then there’s a short jumpsuit with a deep V in front – even I like it, and I think all jumpsuits should be summarily burned. We then return to homelessness with a basic v-neck dress with one of her Jesus coats lie the one from last week. There’s a short sleeved dress in her dyed fabric, and then a really beautiful white and purple toga dress which I LOVE (left). The final look is a balloony looking eggplant dress.

Wait, which one of those looks was supposed to be business wear? I saw nothing you could wear to an office without being summoned to HR for a stern talking to.

11. Jeffrey’s collection goes last. He opens with a white cape/tunic thing with leggings. Ugh. I hope he doesn’t go to this well too often. Then there’s a white hooded dress, followed by a very ‘40s looking dress with a white top and a grey skirt(right) – it’s backless, and I love it.Next is a jacket with a fur collar paired with a white skirt, then a grey tunic thing with leggings. Ugh. Then there’s a long grey dress with a deep V, a red dress with a long grey coat, and his 10th look – an absolute dream of a strapless red dress (left). Amazing. A. Mazing.It’s followed by a long sleeved red dress that’s a little too Lisa Marie in Mars Attacks for my tastes. He closes with a stunning red draped dress that – like his green dress last week – appeals to my Downton Abbey glutted sensibilities. It’s even better, though, because it’s less absolutely derivative of an Edwardian dress, and therefore less costumey. I love it. I want it.

So it’s totally between Jeffrey and Calvin, right? This is obvious to anyone – they both had uneven moments, but they also both had several absolutely stunning take-your-breath-away looks. Danielle had a bunch of homeless chic and two cute dresses.


12. We head to the runway, where we learn that in addition to Isaac and Iman, we’ll be treated to the judging skillz of Laura Brown, Glenda Bailey, and Mary J. Blige. Hm. I’m glad she’s judging the finale, and not the episode where Tamara used her as inspiration for her femme fatale look. We’re reminded that the winner gets a crapload of money, and the losers get fed to Iman’s young. Hahahahaha no, just kidding (only I’m not).

The judges begin their critique with Dominique. Isaac liked her prints and fabrics. Iman, like me, hated her first look. I feel totally vindicated. We also learn that this was meant to be her “business wear” look. Um….does she plan on doing business on a street corner? Because she manages to look both drab and hooker-ish. Anyway. Glenda is sad that the collection didn’t reflect Dominique’s personality. Danielle then babbles nonsensically about how much she loved it. But the judges don’t, love, and that’s what counts.

Jeffrey is next, and he talks some more about his dead mother. Isaac says his collection is bold and fearless, and says Mary J. squealed at the strapless dress. Mary J. says she’d wear everything in the collection. Isaac thinks the grey top over the white dress didn’t work (cosigned), but Iman thinks the ‘40s-ish dress that I loved was “tortured” and “like a straight jacket.” She’ll be ordering six to use in her personal sex basement. And speaking of sex basements, Isaac gives a way too graphic explanation of the way Jeffrey’s show built “like an orgasm.”

We finish out with Calvin. Isaac takes the time to tell Mary J. that Calvin was almost gone every week. Laura Brown talks about his growth from the yellow “eessa banana” dress from the first challenge to the superficially similar red dress that closed out this show. Iman didn’t like the pants suit because she thought the fabric was cheap. Isaac loved the look with the coat and the palazzo pants (cosigned) and thought the fabric was divine.

We cut to commercial for the judges to deliberate. I don’t know why they won’t show any of the deliberation on this show – I suppose that’s preferable to Isaac, Kelly Rowland, and Fern Mallis going out into the hallway and gossiping like mean girls they way they did last season, but I don’t like not knowing at all about their rationale.

On the flip side, though, I am ABUNDENTLY grateful that they didn’t do a “why do you deserve to win?” thing. You all know how I feel about that bullshit.

13. Returning, Iman gives her summation. Dominique is a “youthful and exuberant designer.” Jeffrey “entered this competition calling yourself a unisex designer, but what you have proven is that you have a wonderful understanding of a woman’s body.” And Calvin showed tremendous restraint and created stunning minimal looks that are of the moment.

14. Dominique, as I predicted, is out. In what may be my favorite moment of the show, Isaac drawls “Oh, Dominique, you’re SO greeeeaaaaat,” in a voice that indicates he could really care less.

15. So the winner is …Jeffrey! Yay! Confetti cannons go off, startling him. Calvin makes a very dignified comment about the best designer winning and Jeffrey earning it. (This reminds me that I'd planned to use the title "There Go Hell Went" for when Calvin got kicked off the show, and then he never did. And I ended up liking his stuff a close second or tied for first best. Whodathunk?)

Then everyone comes out and screams, and all the eliminated designers talk about how amazing Jeffrey is. Jeffrey closes out the season with these words of wisdom:“This is not a dream come true. You know what it is? It’s a LIFE come true.” Aw.

And that’s the very sweet close of The Fashion Show: Ultimate Collection, bathsalts. We’re sans Top Chef: All Stars this week, and down to one show for the foreseeable future (until we get launch dates for Project Runway: Accessories, Project Runway: Masters, or Project Runway: We’re Ripping Off Variations of a Show That Was The First Rip Off of Our Show. Is That Irony?). Maybe I’ll find some time in there to write about something other than television for once.