Top Chef All Stars: Restaurant Wars. . .Outdoors

Wolverine hairdo
Why foam? Why now? No answer.
Go, Marcel. Just go.

Grumph.

I am rather displeased, fromages.

Not at Marcel being gone. No. Really, I could care less about Marcel being gone, my feelings for him having run the narrow gamut from “what a douche” to “what a vaguely amusing douche” over the course of his Top Chef and All Stars life.

But the episode. Oh, the episode.

First, and at the risk of repeating myself for about the zillionth time, I don’t like the supersized episodes. I don’t think they really add anything, and they interfere with my sleep and my ability to watch Conan. And this one particularly – what did we get with that extra fifteen minutes? Extra footage of Mike and Marcel yelling at each other about a variety of things? More scintillating coverage of Tiffany making the diners uncomfortable with her forced laugh and fake folksy charm?

Second, the outcome – at least the team outcome – was spoiled before the episode even started. The preview they showed last week and the commercial they’ve been showing all week has featured Mike and Marcel laying into each other at Judges’ Table. Since it also showed that it would be Restaurant Wars, you knew they’d end up on the same team and you knew that team would be in the bottom. There’s no reason to be yelling at each other like that in front of the judges if you’re there for the win. The only possible exception would be if the judges called them in, questioned and critiqued them and led them to expose the team’s weaknesses BEFORE they told them whether they were on the top or on the bottom. And that seems to be a level of exquisite torture even Bravo hasn’t come up with yet.

(Andy Cohen, you use that idea, you pay me. Got it? Good)

And my grumpiness is compounded this morning by the Bravo interns, who posted 23 pictures from this episode, and ten of those were of the chefs sitting around the stew room. None of Bourdain and Justo Thomas running the quickfire. None of the actual restaurant time. None of the diners. None of Fabio and Tiffany doing their Front of House thing. You won’t see any of that, poppets. Blame the Bravo interns. I do.

Anyway. Marcel. You’re out, man, and from all appearances you pretty much deserved it. You were not a good leader, and that fact was compounded by the fact that you selected a team that did not want to be led. And you made two shitty dishes, which both apparently involved foam. And you’re kind of a douche.

You still didn’t deserve to have your competitors in Season Two hold you down and try to shave your head. But let's start the show.

For this opening, we’re not in the stew room – we’re in bed with the contestants. Part of me wishes they’d stop fucking with the opening as they’d destroyed and now seem to be returning to my “Morning! Top Chef apartment” model of beginning my recaps. Another part of me is not going to object because the first thing we see is a ray of morning sunshine hitting Tre’s muscled shoulder.

Anyway. Carla is waking up proud of herself, but bummed that there are only 3 female chefs left. Blais is looking forward to individual challenges because he didn’t like ending up on the bottom team last time.

No one wants to move in with Antonia because all of her roommates have gotten kicked off. She’s also axing teammates again this time just like she did in Season 4. We see a “Black Hammer” retrospective with all of Antonia’s teammates for two seasons getting kicked off. Antonia says it’s a coincidence, but Dale insists “it’s not a legend or anything, it’s true.” And he’s been in two seasons with her now, so let’s take his word for it.

Credits!

The Cheftestants head out to Le Bernardin, where Bourdain greets them with their challenge. Bourdain explains that Justo Thomas, who is the fish butcher at Le Bernardin (and who Bourdain apparently discusses at length in Medium Raw, if he doesn’t mind mentioning it himself), butchers between 700 and 1000 lbs of fish every morning. When he goes on vacation it takes 3 sous chefs to do what he does.



I shall now call him "the mysterious Justo Thomas" since he has pretty much nill by way of a web presence.

They head to the kitchen and meet the mysterious Justo Thomas, who demonstrates his mad fish butchering skillz for them.

“I think we know what comes next,” Bourdain says. Quickfire! The chefs each have to butcher one cod and one fluke into Le Bernardin quality portions “or as close as you can get.” Justo can do this in 8 minutes. The chefs get a luxurious. .. 10.

Fish flurry! Marcel explains how the first time he butchered a fish, he had a crazy allergic reaction, but he kept going and eventually it stopped. Fabio cuts through his thumbnail, but tells us “I’m not Jamie,” and he’s not going home for a finger cut. Now I’m starting to feel a little bad for Jamie – they can’t stop ragging on her even after she’s been eliminated.

Time! Justo goes down the line reviewing their fish cuts. Bourdain announces that the bottom four are Fabio, Carla, Tiffany, and Antonia. Tiffany is embarrassed to have done so badly because she is the chef at a seafood restaurant. The top group are Dale, Richard, Mike, and Marcel. One of them will get immunity .. but first they have 45 minutes to make a delicious dish using the heads, racks, wings, and collars of the fish they just broke down.

Fish flurry TWO! There’s a chinois issue between Marcel and Mike – Mike asks Marcel where they are and Marcel says “back there” and won’t be any more specific and won’t share the one he’s already brought out once Mike can’t find them. . .it’s really immature and tiresome. They could've cut this and saved a chunk of the 15 minutes they tacked onto the episode. Dale tells us his family was doing “nose to tail cooking before it was even cool.” He’s making two dishes, which he acknowledges is a risk but he hopes it’ll pay off.

Mike is slow cooking the fish skull, and insists he’s worried about Dale and Richard, not Marcel. That’s the kind of statement that makes me want to see Marcel beat Mike, just in this one challenge. Richard tells us his first job was at a restaurant called “McDonalds – maybe you’ve heard of it” where he was the seafood chef – a very prestigious job since they only have the one dish. Hee. It was a much needed moment of levity in this 75 minute slog of boring, and for that, Blais, I salute you.

Time. Bourdain and the mysterious Justo begin tasting with Richard’s Schnitzel of Cod Belly, Ragout of Braised Collar and Fried Skin. Mike has made Pan Roasted Belly, Confit Cheeks, Charred Collar with Crisped Up Bread Crumbs and Tomato Sauce. Dale’s dishes are Fluke Back Fin Sashimi with Cucumber and Fluke Liver Sauce and a Bacon Dashi with Salt Roasted Cod Collar. Finally, Marcel’s contribution is Cod Mousseline, Yuzu Chili Oil with Fluke Broth. Bourdain sends them up to join their colleagues while he and Justo discuss the outcome.

Mike is just hoping that Marcel doesn’t win immunity.

Bourdain and Justo enter the dining room for a review. Richard made the most of his ingredients. Mike’s was light and vibrant. Marcel’s was tasty, but texturally monochromatic. Dale highlighted the variety. And the winner is. . .Dale! Yay! He feels great about winning immunity, but vows not to sit there and slack off. Bourdain tells them to go back to the Top Chef kitchen so Padma can tell them about their next challenge. Commercial.

Back. The chefs arrive at the Top Chef kitchen where Padma and Ludo Lefebvre wait for them. Ugh. Ludo. Apparently he just finished LudoBites 5.0, a pop-up restaurant in Los Angeles. Which is fitting, since their Elimination challenge is. . .Restaurant Wars!

We see a restaurant wars montage – Fabio doing front of house, Dale and Tre both getting sent home during their seasons, Angelo and Tiffany discussing a dish what seems like ten years ago now but was really only a matter of months in the past.

The chefs will have 24 hours to create a pop-up restaurant. Since he won the quickfire, Dale gets to be captain of one team and to choose the captain of the other. He chooses Marcel “to be as far away from him as possible.”

They choose up teams playground style. Marcel chooses Angelo; Dale takes Blais. Marcel picks Mike; Dale takes Tre. Marcel takes Antonia; Dale takes Fabio, thereby securing himself the only competitor with proven Front-of-House skills. Finally, Marcel takes Tiffany, leaving Dale with Carla. Poor Carla. You’d think with her record so far, she’d get a little more respect than being left behind like the kid with glasses and a limp.

The teams split off. Padma tells them that they’ll be opening their restaurants at the Foundry, and for the first time the diners, not the judges, will choose who wins.

The teams move to opposite sides of the room and deliberate. Marcel tells us that Restaurant Wars is “about assembling a motherfucking team.” Tiffany ends up doing front-of-house on their team, reluctantly. There’s all sorts of tension on that team and a lot of yelling, most of it because, as Mike says, “Marcel wants to do the right thing” but doesn’t know how to talk to people.

On team Dale, Fabio is doing front of house, of course. He gloats that “Dale peek a good team who can run a mara-ton. Marcel peek a team of spreenter.” Then he giggles that Marcel is “going down,” which makes me utterly nervous. I don’t like people showing this much confidence before the second commercial break.

Back at the apartment, they continue planning. Dale’s team has a Bodega theme. Carla loves the whimsical approach, but hopes it’s not too out there for the diners. Blais says something about caviar dipped in ranch dressing. I’m forced to wonder if it’s not against the Geneva convention to do something that awful to caviar – Ranch Dressing is like the fucking bane of my existence.

Team Marcel is debating names. Marcel likes “Medi,” as short for Mediterranean, but no one else does. Commercial.

Back. The chefs head out to the Foundry and see their . . .outdoor kitchen and restaurant space. They have 5 hours to prep. Marcel is worried about motivating his team since it’s full of strong personalities. Blais runs through Team Bodega’s menu, which sounds delightfully faux-tacky. Antonia reviews the other team’s plan, which sounds like standard Mediterranean fusion fare. She’s excited for the diners to vote.

Tom thru! Marcel tells him about their “reverse amuse” – a little sweet treat at the end – and how they’ve divided up the responsibilities. Then he kind of blows Tom off to work. Tom talks about how Marcel’s energy works for some people but not others. After a quick visit to Team Bodega, Tom doesn’t quite understand their menu.

He tells the chefs they have an hour left to cook. There’ll be one winner, and that winner will get $10,000.

Fabio kicks into gear setting up the space and directing his servers. Forty seven minutes! Marcel tries to give Tiffany instructions on how to peel an egg. She’s freaking out a little because Fabio is already at front of house, and she’s not out there yet. Also because she’s a trained chef and some asshole with a ridiculous haircut is trying to teach her how to peel an egg.

Marcel isn’t impressed with Tiffany’s egg, so they have to revise the dish. She ends up having to leave Angelo in charge of it (which you might as well underscore with a “dum dum DUMMMMMM!” given all we’ve heard about Angelo interfering with other people’s dishes) to go to the dining room. Marcel has apparently made a foam despite having promised not to. Antonia is annoyed with everyone’s arguing.

Over on Team Bodega, they have a much quieter dynamic. Blais thinks it might be “too quiet” and worries that this is the calm before the storm. We get Western music playing underneath to underscore the feeling of quiet trepidation.

Time ticks down and the diners begin to enter. Dana Cowin turns up at Marcel’s team’s restaurant, which I still haven’t learned the name of. Tiffany realizes that in addition to the diners being the judges and the judges also being among the diners, now there are VIP’s to worry about.

Blais reviews the process with the diners judging – apparently they’ll all eat at both restaurants. Seriously…I need to get on some sort of list so I can hear about these things in advance and turn up in New York at the right time. I would’ve killed – KILLED – to be there. Not just being part of Restaurant Wars, but to eat at BOTH restaurants? Yes, please.

Dale is short with the servers, which pisses Fabio off. Antonia thinks the other team is nervous because they’re serving inelegant things like “tuna out of the can” and her team is serving “elevated food.” And then some plates get sent back to the “elevated food” team. HA. Jerks. Dana Cowin’s table particularly hates everything. HA-HA. Jerks. Commercial.

Back! The diners seem to have switched positions, because now Dana Cowin and her group are being charmed by Fabio. They immediately say that Bodega is “a big improvement conceptually.” And we finally see the judges, who turn up at Bodega first and order “two of everything.” They open with Richard's Bag of Potato Chips with Fried Herbs and Sea Salt a cute way to introduce the Bodega theme.


Carla feels like they started out a little rocky, but are now running like a well oiled machine.

The judges get the first course: Richard’s Raw Tuna Belly and Fried Chicken Skin with Chilies and Lime artfully served in a cute little can, and Dale’s Bacon, Egg, and Cheese with Homemade Focaccia. Some diners think the egg dish is too easy, but others think it’s divine. Ludo loves the tuna, but a diner doesn’t see the point of putting it in the can. Um, moron. Because it’s fucking tuna and the theme of this restaurant is an elevated take on Bodega style kitsch. They’re riffing. Get a clue. Tom is impressed with Fabio’s handling of front of house.

The second course comes out: Richard’s Chicken Fried Codfish, Brussels Kraut and Ginger Beer. I love the idea of the Brussels Kraut – Brussels Sprouts are my current favorite vegetable. They’re also served Tre’s Pork Shoulder with Grits, Cheddar Cheese, Green Chilies, Corona and Lime Sauce. Oh. Yum. New kitchen goal – Corona and Lime sauce before summer. Padma loves Tre’s pork shoulder, and the diners are impressed with the Corona sauce. I would be too. Tom says there’s a lot going on with Richard’s dish, but it all works.

Dessert time! They’re treated to Fabio’s Amaretto Cake with Candied Lemon Peel and Cappuccino Mousse and Carla’s Blueberry Pie with Dry Ice Cream. Bourdain loves Fabio’s dessert. Ludo says Carla’s pie is not something he’d wake up every night to eat.

The judges wander over to the other restaurant, which is apparently called “Etch.” First I’m hearing about it. The judges end up waiting by the stand for a bit until a server seats them. Tiffany comes over and Padma gives there typical order of two of everything.

Marcel asks Mike to talk to him more in the kitchen. Ludo gripes that Etch is not organized at all and Padma thinks that Tiffany thinks that working front of house is “just schmoozing.”

The first course is Tiffany’s Frisée and Shaved Asparagus Salad with Egg and Chorizo and Angelo’s Crudo of Fluke, Grapes, Peppercorn Vinaigrette and Lemon Zest. Ok, I really need Angelo to stop with the fucking crudo already. Bourdain says Tiffany’s salad needs some salt and smoke, but the diners like that it’s creamy and crunchy at the same time. Tom says that Angelo’s fish is not the star of his crudo.

Tiffany relays a diner’s complaint about a cold plate to Marcel and Mike, and they start arguing about how to keep plates warm for the judges. Mike tells Marcel not to fucking talk to him like that. Angelo interviews that if it were his restaurant, he’d send Mike home for talking to the captain that way.

The second course at Etch consists of Roasted Monkfish with Kalamata Olives, Peperonata, and Parsley by Marcel and Braised Pork Belly, Octopus with White Beans by Mike. The judges think the monkfish is mushy, and Bourdain calls it baby food, but the diners like it. Tom likes the combination in Mike’s dish. I think I would too – it’s like a nice little mélange of some of my favorite things.

Back in the kitchen, Marcel and Mike continue bickering while Angelo tries to mediate. It’s a total waste of time, both for Angelo trying to calm the situation and for the audience having to watch it.

Their third course is Antonia’s Ricotta Gnudi, Oxtail Sauce, Arugula and Lemon Zest, and Angelo and Mike’s Slow Cooked Lamp Chop, Cauliflower Puree, Turmeric, and Honey. Oh yes. That's the official, Bravo designated name of the dish. Lamp chop. Does not sound like it would taste good. Padma says the gnudi are way too salty for her, but Bourdain thinks they’re perfect, and one of the diners calls it the best dish of the night. They all seem to like Mike and Angelo’s lamb (lamp) dish.

We see another conflict in the kitchen with Marcel not letting Antonia expedite. The judges get dessert – Marcel’s steaming Duo of Peaches: Unripened Peach and Sweet Peach with Coconut Foam and Powder. A diner calls it “all presentation” and Bourdain says it’s a “perfect storm of fuckin’ awfulness.”

The diners start ranking. We see one positive for each just to throw us off balance. At this point, though, there doesn’t seem to be much point. I know, I know – there’s a tradition of the editing showing the team that ultimately wins floundering badly just to shock the audience at the close, but Etch floundered SO badly on SO many things that them winning would be inconceivable.

Anyway, Fabio is confident, which makes Blais nervous since Fabio was confident during the last challenge, and they ended up on the bottom. Marcel tries to tell his team that they did a great job, but Antonia refuses to “ignore the fucking shit show we just put on out there” and play along.

We cut to the stew room. Everyone compliments Fabio’s work at the Front of the House. Marcel tries to joke about his team being “in the juice,” but no one else laughs. Padma calls back team Etch. Team Bodega is understandably stunned and worried because. . .you know. 99.99999% of the time in the history of this show, that’s meant they’re the winners. I have a hunch this is going to be one of the times they’ve pulled a switcheroo on us, though. Commercial.

Fakeback. Dale reflects on getting sent home for “the service that would never end” during Restaurant Wars in his season. Fabio, of course, loves Restaurant Wars because it gives him the chance to bust out the charm.

Back. Judges’ Table. Etch strides in confidently. Padma tells them that the diners picked them as their LEAST favorite – only 17 out of 76 diners favored them. OUCH.

Marcel says there were bumps in the road with last minute tweaks to dishes and problems with pick ups. Antonia says there was a lack of calmness and a lack of togetherness and Angelo says someone should’ve organized the kitchen. Tom asks who should’ve done that, and no one will answer.

Tom asks Angelo how his dish was Mediterranean. “Pink peppercorns, you find in the South of france,” Angelo stammers. “Not really,” Ludo tells him, and adds that his dish was “too complicate.” I enjoy Ludo so much more in small doses as a judge than I do in large, swearing, egomaniacal handfuls as a contestant.

Tom wishes Mike’s pork belly had gotten a little more flavor, and Bourdain wishes for a little more char on the octopus. Antonia gets smacked with the “too salty” criticism of her gnudi.

Then they turn to Marcel. “Why foam? Why now?” Bourdain says in a plaintive voice. His voice holds all the sadness of the world – Bourdain asks the question we all want to know the answer to. Why foam, Marcel? Why now?

Marcel replies that he wanted to reinforce that parsley flavor to cut through the roasted peppers. Tom says it wasn’t the best way to get the parsley flavor in the dish, and Ludo says the dish was mushy. No one liked the dessert, and Bourdain calls it “a thumb in the eye at the end of the meal.”

Tiffany is told that her asparagus had no flavor, and then they start in on her front of the house. Tiffany blames the service in front on the arguments on the line in back. It’s very slick, because not only does it divert attention from her total failure as a host and the fact that you could hear nothing half the night but her forced cackle over the diners conversation, but it also forces Marcel and Mike to rehash their argument and she gets to stand between the two of them saying “let’s not go there, let’s not go there.” But then Marcel calls her out on telling her not to put the asparagus in water, and adds “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make ‘em drink.”

Antonia hops in. “With that being said, Marcel is our team captain. He needed to step up and he needed to say this is what we are doing. There was none of that.”

Marcel says no one listened to him. Angelo says he’s embarrassed to be there because they acted like children. Padma tells them to send back the other team.

Marcel says “I think it’s no surprise that you guys are on the top. Blais, you can stop worrying.”

Team Bodega heads in to the Judges’ table. Padma tells them they were the best of the night, and Tom adds that they killed it.

Bourdain says that Blais’ potato chips in the bag were the perfect note at the beginning of the meal, and Carla graciously says that Richard helped everyone elevate their dishes. Tom says Fabio’s service and dessert were fantastic. Bourdain thinks that Dale’s egg dish was “stoner food at its finest,” and means that as a compliment. Tre’s dish was “just delicious” and Carla’s dish “worked perfectly with the others.”

And the winner is. .. Richard! Yay!! He’s surprised because usually the executive chef wins. He gets $10,000, which is a relief since an hour ago he thought he was going home.

The judges turn to their deliberation. “Let me count the ways that this team screwed up” Bourdain says of Etch.

Antonia’s dish was too salty. Marcel’s dessert was terrible and he was a bad manager. Mike’s dish was disappointing. Angelo’s crudo was boring, and Bourdain thinks he kept his head down to stay out of the line of fire. Tiffany’s service was not good and her asparagus had no flavor.

Bourdain says that it was “every cook out for themselves,” and that “Prison Breaks are organized with more efficiency and teamwork.” They think they have an answer. Commercial.

Back. Tom tells them once more that they failed miserably at their tasks, and runs through the same criticisms we’ve just heard of the dishes.

Padma tells. . .Marcel to pack his knives and go. He points out that it’s the first time he’s heard those words, and he hoped he never would. Oh, dick. You’re not the only one in this contest who can make that claim. He’s shocked that he’s going out this early, and insists that “the only mistake I made was picking the wrong team.” That and your food sucking, dude. Then he tells us how likeable he is, which is always convincing, and says this won’t be the last time we see him.


It occurs to me – if not for the first time ever then definitely for the first time this season – that Marcel is lucky to have come of age during the era of reality TV. Because everything about him is just made for it. He is the living embodiment of every clichéd reality TV statement, from his hair to his freestyle rapping to being one of the original pack of folks who weren’t there to make friends, to going out and telling us it won’t be the last we see of him. Marcel is like his own living, breathing, fourfour supercut.

Next: These guys are walking een an it look like Godfather movie scene. Oh my gosh are you kidding me? Fabio always looks like he’s never going to make it. And the DVR cuts out because I'm watching on .