Top Chef All Stars: Something's Fishy

Big Red, Top Scallop
Tiffani: good game, good growth
Jamie: about damn time.

So let’s get this out there first thing: Ladies? WHAT IS UP WITH YOU?
We have had six episodes and eight eliminations (because of the two doubles). And FIVE of those ousters have been women.

And it’s tough to take on some levels, not just for lame girl-power type reasons, or because it’s reaffirming the shitty record women have in the series over all (one female winner out of seven seasons; only one season with more than one woman in the finale), but because it’s hard to believe this represents their skill level overall. I have a hard time believing Mike, for example, is a better chef overall than Jennifer and Casey.

Which I guess can be seen as a positive since it reaffirms the show’s stance that they judge on each challenge individually, not on the overall performance. But then that raises another question – are these ladies just bad at handling the pressure of the challenges? And why were they so much better at it during their original seasons?

Anyway.

To the individual ousters: you know, in a way, the less said the better. For Tiffani, I can’t put it any better than she did – she came to have a different experience than she did in Season One, to enjoy the game more, and to show the world that she’s a different person. And she did. I despised her during her season. She was so nasty to so many people with what seemed like so little provocation. And this time she seemed entirely different -- more positive, more supportive, funnier (I’m also bummed that there are no Season 1 chefs left in the competition – I always want the O.G. seasons to come in and teach the new kids a few things).

In a big way, the first half (is this half?) of this season has been about a redemption arc for Tiffani. And on some level – and maybe I just think this because she and I are the same age – it’s about the growth that goes on between your late twenties and your…erm…early to mid-ish thirties. She seemed much more relaxed, much more comfortable in her own skin, and legitimately confident whereas in Season One it seemed like she was being cocky as a defense mechanism.

Tell me I’m not the only woman who can relate to that kind of growth in that particular 5 year period. Show of hands, ladies, and be honest.

Jamie, on the other hand. I don’t know if she got a charitable edit in her season (or, conversely, an uncharitable edit in this one) or I was just blinded by the fact that she’s a dead ringer for one of my best friends. But I went from seriously pulling for her in Season 5 to being disgusted by what a sour little underperforming lump she was in this one. I’m glad she’s gone – if nothing else it will mean a welcome end to the “Jamie doesn’t cook” and “Jamie skates by again” storylines that have dominated the season so far.

Let’s do this thing.

Once again, we pick up where we’d previously left off – everyone in the stew room, mystified that Jamie’s still there. Jamie says she feels bad “but at the same time it’s like, whatever.” Yes, of course. That’s exactly the attitude you want to have when hundreds of thousands of dollars are at stake. “It’s like, whatever.” Antonia hates Jamie’s attitude. On another note, Marcel claims Dale only made 8 plates for the judges and didn’t do anything else.

They go back to the apartment and Marcel continues ranting about the challenge, apparently while drinking straight out of a bottle of Bombay Sapphire. It’s a profanity laden rant from Marcel, who seems to be turning into anger boy – they must be amping up his negative screen time to slide him back toward the “villain” character now that we won’t have Jamie to loathe anymore. Fortunately, Dale tells us, he’s taken anger management, and just walks away. Tre succinctly sums up what the viewing public is thinking: “I definitely have noticed throughout the weeks that we’ve been here that Marcel is kind of an asshole.”

Credits!

4:30 AM. An alarm starts going off in Tiffani and Antonia’s room. Carla makes some eggs.

They find an abandoned quickfire kitchen with a “Gone Fishin” sign and a note to the chefs telling them to meet Tom and Padma in Montauk. From these clues, they’re pretty much convinced that they’re going to be fishing for this challenge. They are a pack of smarties, these cheftestants. Tiffani is excited. They jump in the product placement vehicles and drive off to Lawnguysland.

On arrival, they get to a lighthouse where Tom and Padma greet them. They’re going fishing! And we’re right into the elimination challenge – no quickfire. The challenge is that they have 5 hours to catch as many fish as they can and cook it on the beach for 200 people. They’ll work in 4 teams of three.

They draw numbered plastic fish out of a net to determine their teams. Team 1 is Tre, Dale and Carla. We shall now call them “the team I will be rooting for.” Team 2 is Blais, Fabio and Marcel. Team 3 is Antonia, Jamie and Tiffani. Antonia is not thrilled since it was a fiasco the last time they worked together. Finally, there’s Team 4: Angelo, Tiffany and Mike.

Tom tells them that it’s a double elimination. “Two of you will be going home” he clarifies. Thanks, Tom. I would never have understood what “double elimination” meant without that handy explanation. And twelve years of reality TV viewing. And the ability to speak English.

The chefs head out on two boats – even numbered teams on one and odd on the other. Angelo tells us that he hates the water because he was traumatized by watching Jaws. “The shark’s scent is up to average of two miles. I mean, even the smallest droplet of blood.”

I am now convinced that Angelo was one of those dorky kids who used to try to impress you with his knowledge of sharks when you were on the class trip to Sea World. “Did you know that a shark’s penis is called a clasper?” That’s Angelo.

Blais is reassured because Fabio seems to know a lot about fishing.

As the odd numbered teams board the Sea Wife IV, Dale plans to “kill it” in this challenge to make his father proud, since his father’s an angler. We see a cute picture of little Dale and his shirtless dad. Dale catches something within 5 minutes, and tells us “I give that up to my old man, right there.”

One hour at sea. The crew of the Susie E 2 -- the even numbered teams -- seems to be striking out. Over on the other boat, Antonia catches a fish – the first for her team. Meanwhile, Dale Carla and Tre’s team is HAULING them in.

2 Hours at sea. Susie E 2 still seems fishless. The ships pass and get an update on each other’s status, which seems to dispirit Susie E 2 even more. “If you don’t catch fresh fish in this challenge, you might as well pack your knives and go home right now,” Marcel tells us. Commercial.

Back! Two hours remain in their time at sea. Fabio and Mike finally get bites on their lines, and pull in some fairly sizeable looking fish. They develop a weird technique where one person braces the rod and another cranks it. This leads to some innuendo. “I’m kind of sitting in Marcel’s lap, holding his rod,” Blais giggles. The Sea Wife IV teams continue to have luck – Dale hauls in a striped bash that he describes as being the size of a dragon.

The boats head back to shore and start menu planning. Team 2 decides to go with one dish and try to make it really strong. Fabio thinks if they’re on the bottom, it’ll be really hard for the judges to send home. “Like psyco-lo-hical warfare.”

Shopping! They head to a farmer’s market with 30 minutes and $150. Antonia comments on the new “bromance” between Blais and Fabio. “They’re like the Odd Couple,” she tells us, “It’s like the Professor and. . .the strange Italian immigrant.”

Carla worries about having caught 2 bluefish, because she doesn’t want to be eliminated for cooking a fish that’s thought of as trashy. Jamie is excited about the challenge because the fresh ingredients, right from the sea and the farmer’s market, are just her thing. Tiffani is trying to distance herself from Jamie and her overwhelming stench of failure.

Back at the apartment, Tre talks about missing his wife, who he describes as his best friend and his “sous chef in life.” Aw.

Next day. The chefs head to the beach with 2 hours to cook. Jamie frets about the amount of sand. Antonia is sick of Jamie’s complaining. Tre compares working near Jamie to “having a little baby in the background.” Jamie thinks the team aspect is going to be less important than the individual dishes because everyone is out for themselves.

Carla is breaking down her bluefish and making sure she doesn’t get the bitter bloodline in her lettuce wrap. Team 2 has put Fabio up front because, in Marcel’s words, he’s a “baby kisser.” Blais seems to be second guessing Marcel’s plan to do one dish with seven elements on it. Commercial.

Back. One hour to service. Tom-thru! He asks team 2 about their one dish plan, wondering if they think they’re at a disadvantage because there’s nothing to fall back on if it doesn’t work. Team 4 gabs about the great experience of going from the boat to the market. He quizzes Dale about whether he made his own tortillas – Dale didn’t. Tiffani defends bluefish to him, saying it’s actually “a really lovely fish.”

47 minutes! Blais gives Fabio a series of fast paced orders. Fabio reacts to this in an interview: “dood. Shod up. You won’ get faster dan if you keep asking.” He also seems to say something about either a “nut attack” or a “knife attack,” but I didn’t catch the whole thing. I’m choosing to believe “nut attack,” FYI. It’s both funnier and less psychopathic.

8 minutes! Blais goes into “overworried mode.” He doesn’t like their succotash, thinking it’s overworked. One minute! Time! And the diners begin to enter, followed shortly by the judges. The judges stop at the bar on the way in. We have Tom, Padma, Gail, and South Gate restaurant’s Kerry Heffernan as the guest judge.

The judges begin with Fabio, Richard, and Marcel’s team. Their dish is Sea Bass, Succatash, Corn Puree, Cherry Tomato Confit, Concord Gastrique and Jamon Air. Next they head for Team 1’s table where they get Dale’s Fish Taco with Bass, Corn and Avocado Relish, Cilantro Crème Fraiche, Radishes and Shaved Cabbage (the elements of that sound good, and I typically HATE fish tacos) Carla’s Smoked Blue Fish with Lettuce Wrap, Pickled Watermelon Rind, Shallots Radish, Bagel Croutons (yum), and Tre’s Striped Sea Bass with Gazpacho Salad and Tomato Water.

The judges sit down to eat. Gail thinks the beans in team 2’s dish are overcooked, and Padma thinks the foam is unnecessary. Kerry thinks “foam on the beach” sounds like the name of a cocktail.

Kerry enjoys Dale’s taco, and Gail compliments the smoke on Carla’s bluefish. Tre’s Sea Bass Gazpacho also gets high marks.

Jamie starts searing fish, and the skin starts sticking to the pan. The judges head over to her team’s table, and start the sampling with her Striped Bass, Watermelon Salad with Fresh Dill, Shaved Radish, Red Onion, and Cucumber Water. Tiffani has made Smoked Blue Fish with Tomato, Roasted Corn and Zucchini Ribbon Salad. Antonia’s dish is a Open-Faced Porgie Po Boy with Old Bay Mayo and Cabbage Slaw. Damn, that sounds good. At Team 4’s table, the judges are served Pickled Blue Fish, Spicy Watermelon, Shallots, Red Chilies, Confit Potato and Dill and Striped Bass with Corn Puree, Tomato, Aleppo Spice Rub, and Watermelon by Tiffany, Angelo and Mike.

Padma likes the fish in Team 4’s pickled blue fish, but a random diner finds the potatoes heavy. Gail thinks the flavors in their bass dish compete too much.

Gail digs into Jamie’s fish, which Tom finds underseasoned. Kerry thinks the cucumber water is redundant. Kerry applauds Antonia’s bravery in using the porgie. Tiffani’s bluefish needs acidity according to the judges.

After the judges chat with the diners and Mike tries to set a blushing, giggling, creepy Angelo up with a pretty girl (again -- awkward kid), the judges reconvene to discuss the food. Tom thinks that they did a great job because “when you kill it, you have respect for it.”

Oh my God, folks, it’s the return of Tom’s Native Self. Struts With Big Cleaver is on the move again. Honor the proteins, or Tom will fish no more forever.

Anyway. Coming out of the trance state his Spirit-Fish led him into, Tom says he has a least favorite, but the second ouster will be a tough choice. Commercial.

I just want this on record: my cat gives a disgusted little snort every time the minivan commercial where the square parents sing “Angel of the Morning” comes on. Also, I used to think the lyrics were “just wipe my teeth before you leave.” Make of both those facts what you will.

Fakeback. We’re on a boat! And we hear about Mike Isabella’s gas, and what sorts of fish different cheftestants would be. Angelo, in Dale’s estimation, would be a mermaid.

Back! Stew room! Everyone smells like fish. Blais is overanalyzing. Padma calls back Dale, Carla, Tre, Tiffany, Mike and Angelo. Marcel tries to bluff that when they call somebody first it doesn’t mean they’re on the top. Antonia is more realistic.

And the teams that were called back are on the top. The winner gets a trip to Amsterdam.

Mike goes through the breakdown of responsibilities on their team. Gail tells them the fish was cooked perfectly. Then she moves to the other team, telling Dale everyone raved about his taco. She compliments the innovation in Carla’s dish.

And the winner is. . .Carla! Yay! She gets a 6 night trip to Amsterday and $5000 for airfare. Nice.

The chefs return to the kitchen, where Carla does a dance. “Sorry if I’m not super ecstatic right now because that means we’re on the bottom,” Marcel says snootily. Carla then feels bad, after they leave, about not suppressing her excitement better.

Ok. I’ll agree that her excitement was a bit more emotion than most of the cheftestants show after a win, but Marcel? She wasn’t doing it to be spiteful. Don’t be a dick.

The other two teams head to Judges’ Table. They were the least favorites. Marcel says their dish came about organically. Blais says they wanted to do one dish well instead of doing three that were just ok. There’s discussion about the breakdown of responsibilities – who did the succotash, who did the air, who cooked the fish.

Gail says it needed restraint, and Kerry said going for the restaurant quality on the beach hampered the dish. Padma says there was also a textural problem, and Tom says something about how there was an issue with their dish being served in the plastic “fish-fry” type baskets, and they should’ve adjusted when they saw that’s what they had.

Tom tells Antonia that if she hadn’t been on a losing team, she’d be going to Amsterdam because she had his favorite dish. So she’s safe.

Tom asks Jamie what she did with the cucumbers. She apparently blended them with water, which is ridiculous since cucumbers are like 95% water to begin with. Typical lesbian, not respecting the cucumber. Tom then says everything tasted bland. Gail agrees that it seemed washed out.

Moving on, Tom savages Tiffani for leaving the bloodline in the fish. It’s an interesting scene – Kerry starts it off by saying that there were some problems with her butchering and Tom tells him to stop being charitable. It’s particularly notable since many people – myself included – have always seen Tiffani as kind of a favorite of Tom’s. But the minute she dishonors the bluefish, he turns on her.

Gail asks Antonia if she’d tasted Tiffani and Jamie’s dishes. Antonia says she tasted components, then she starts to cry when asked if she thinks she could’ve helped them if she’d tasted the finished dishes. The judges send them off to the stew room, where someone – I think Angelo – is whispering about how they could lose Marcel and Blais in this competition. If it’s someone other than Angelo, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they’d be mad about the injustice of it all. If it’s Angelo, I’m guessing he’d find it a huge plus to knock out two strong competitors at once.

Deliberation. Tom says that the problem with Tiffani’s dish was the way she cleaned it, and Kerry says it was heavy handed all around. Jamie’s was bland, and Tom thinks parts of the dish were “too refined.” Gail thinks she got stuck in her head about the broth, and it watered down the dish.

Padma thinks Fabio, Richard, and Marcel needed someone to talk them back from the edge. They think Blais and Marcel take most of the blame for the dish since they conceived it and Fabio seems to have only been left with the yeoman’s work of doing the cuts. They hated Richard’s gastrique, and wish Marcel would just get over the foams already.

Commercial. The intro to the “Camille gets a phone call. . .that will change her life” ad for the next Real Housewives of Beverly Hills sounds like the opening strains of “Gangsta’s Paradise.”

Back. The bottom groups file in again. Tom tells Antonia she did a great dish, and should’ve given her teammates critical feedback. Tiffani’s dish was heavy handed and very fishy, while Jamie’s was bland and didn’t come together.

Tom didn’t see Fabio in the dish at all, Richard made the horrible concord gastrique, and Marcel thought up the overcomplicated and unnecessary aspects of the dish.

Padma tells. . . Tiffani and Jamie to pack their knives and go. Well, THAT’s a relief. Half a relief, at least.

Tiffani says she came in wanting to have a different experience and enjoy it, and she did. She’s a different person than she was in Season one. Jamie is fine with the fact that the judges didn’t like the dish. She’s bummed that there were two challenges she didn’t cook on, but wouldn’t change a thing.

Really? REALLY??? You . .. I. .. Oh Jesus. Just go away.

To end on a less infuriatingly laconic note, we hear from Tiffani, who tells us she’s going home to the most amazing girlfriend. Aw. Head up, Red. You’ll be ok.


Next: Restaurant Wars! Watch the way you fuckin’ talk to me. Dana Cowin is here tonight. Back the fuck away from me right now. If this was my restaurant, I would just send both of them home, there and then.