Top Chef All Stars: Zero "Sum" Game

Casey’s chicken feet
Went and kicked her in the ass
With Antonia’s help

(you have to elide the “ia” in Antonia so it’s “Anton-ya” rather than “Antonia,” and then it scans right.

Not right, my pet turtles on Chihuahua leashes. Not right at all.

Let’s look at what actually happened last night: Jamie made two shitty dishes after 2 previous episodes of not cooking and 2 others where she didn’t distinguish herself. Casey conceived one “ballsy” dish and trusted Antonia to finish the execution on it – including, according to what we saw in the kitchen, actually cooking the chicken feet – since she was also handling Front of House (which, granted was a disaster, but largely due to what was going on in the kitchen). Antonia appears to have abdicated responsibility for that task, not instructed the people she delegated it to, and was also involved in shitty long beans and made good shrimp toast.

Now let’s look at the situation the judges seem to believe happened: Jamie made two shitty dishes. Casey made inedible chicken feet, and while she was covering front of house, something appears to have fallen apart in the kitchen that Antonia refuses to discuss. Whatever; Antonia made good shrimp toast so it couldn’t possibly have been her problem, even though she was also involved in shitty long beans.

First of all, judges, since when do you not press a contestant who evades questions about what happened in the kitchen? How did Antonia get away with not sacking up and taking some responsibility for the chicken feet fiasco?

Second, in either of those situations, how is Casey the one you send home? She conceived and started one bad dish, and spent most of the day manning the sinking ship up at front of house. Jamie made two shitty dishes. And she hasn’t done anything all season. Why is she still there? WHY??

Arrrghh.

Anyway. Sorry, Casey. You got screwed.

I suppose the silver lining to this is that we won’t have to hear about how she messed up Carla in the Season 5 finale anymore? Cold comfort. And we got to see Susur, who is always wonderful. But anyway. AUGH. I'm pissed off, and craving Chinese food. Let’s just do this.

We open with the chefs reflecting on Spike’s ouster, and how he said at judges' table that he wasn’t behind the changes Angelo and Tiffani made to his dish. Angelo says that if you’re confident in what you’re doing, you don’t ask for people’s help. Antonia thinks Angelo has “chef Tourettes” and can’t stop himself from touching everyone else’s food. Blais talks about how they still really haven’t seen Jamie do anything, and amazingly compares her to “an octopus, ‘cuz you know. You never see ‘em. Something that just comes out once in awhile, cooks some chick peas, crawls back in their hole.”

HA. That one comment right there is pretty much the most amazing thing about the episode. I’m totally using that insult in the future. “You’re like an octopus. I never see you, you just come out once in awhile, cook some chick peas, and crawl back in your hole.”

And then they’ll be all “since when does an octopus cook chickpeas?” And I’ll be all “since fuck you, asshole. That’s since when.”

Credits.

The chefs enter the Top Chef kitchen for the Quickfire, where their speed will be tested against one of the nation’s best chefs. Said chef will cook a dish as fast as he can, thus setting the time the cheftestants will have to beat. Said chef is, of course, since we’ve all seen the previews, one Tom Colicchio. Also known as Struts With Big Cleaver.

So after making some faux apologies for being rusty, Tom starts the clock on his dish. He’s very organized, and breaks down seafood faster than you think would be humanly possible. He also knocks a tray over on Padma. And he finishes the dish in 8:37. Blais says he has trouble making his daughter a PB & J sandwich in that time. The chefs all taste Tom’s Black Sea Bass With Clams, Tomato, and Zuchini and say it’s good. Tom swears it’ll be the first and last time he does this.

So the chefs now have 8:37 to create a winning dish. And Tom says they’ll factor in the level of difficulty: “if you go back there and cut a piece of tuna and say ‘tuna tartare,’ and you get it done in a minute, it’s not going to go very far.” Tiffani is either looking scared by this because that was her plan or she’s giving someone the stink-eye for frequently making tartare dishes during quickfires. There are so many possible offenders for this – wasn’t there that one team challenge where they basically all made tartare? – that it’s hard to know if she’s implicating someone else or feeling implicated.

Anyway, I think it’s a good thing to throw in since – as I just mentioned – so many of them have done something similar.

Padma tells them that to up the stakes even more, the winner will get immunity AND a brand new Toyota Prius.

Their 8:37 starts….now! Everyone rushes to the kitchen. Marcel rushes in the opposite direction and grabs Tom’s leftover fish. Blais grabs foie gras because he knows it can cook quickly, but it’s a high difficulty dish. Dale T tells us “if I had a wok, I’d be able to crush his time. But I don’t.” Angelo is doing a crudo with lemon, despite the adjuration not to do a raw dish.

Time! Dale hasn’t finished; Jamie has one clam plated.

Tom and Padma begin their tasting. Antonia has prepared Seared Ahi Tuna, Tarragon & Fresh Tomato Salad. Blais introduces his Foie Gras Roasted with Aromatics, Corn, Fresh Coriander & Port. Tiffani’s dish is New England Clam Chowder with Celery & Cream. Fabio has made Clams, Fish, Zucchini, Tomato Broth, Thyme & Garlic. Angelo explains his totally stupid and exactly what he was told not to do Yuzu Branzino Crudo with Jalapeno & Cilantro.

Tiffany has made Pan-Seared Bass with Tomato Relish, Olives & Capers, and Tom compliments her on being cool as a cucumber. Tre’s dish is Grilled Beef Tenderloin & Seared Foie Gras with a Mushroom & Brandy Sauce. Carla has Shrimp with Mango, Cilantro & Mint. Dale explains his one sad noodle that was meant to be a variation on Pad Thai with Egg Noodles. Seriously, it should be called Sad Thai.

Casey has made a Spice-Rubbed Filet & Fresh Tomato Relish. Marcel shows off his leftover based Black Sea Bass with Dashi Broth, Bok Choy & Chili Oil. Mike I has Pan-Roasted Branzino with Black Olive & Caper Stew. The judges like Mike’s, and Marcel thinks that’s because flavors are lingering from his dish. Whatever, man.

Finally, Jamie has made a clam. Literally. She has plated one Clam Amuse-Bouche with Bacon, Tomato & Cream. One. Singlular. Clam. (and now I want to write a song about it – ONE! Singular clamsation! Every amuse bouche she makes (dadadadadadada)...

Tom tells them his experience has made him more sympathetic to what they go through every episode. But still, they have to be ranked. The bottom are Dale’s “bowl full of fish sauce,” Jamie’s singular clam (dadadadadada), and Angelo, who did exactly what they told them not to.

On the flip side, Mike developed nice flavors, Richard incorporated a sauce and cooked the foie nicely, and Marcel’s had great flavors. And the winner is. . .Mike I. He celebrates. Ugh. Commercial.

Back. For elimination, they’ll have to make “a lot of food for a lot of people.” Padma tells them they’re going to Chinatown, which Marcel informs us is “like going to China. …everyone speaks Chinese, you can get really cheap massages.”

There are times when I really like Marcel. That was one of them.

Padma further explains that they’ll be taking over Grand Harmony, one of the most popular Dim Sum places in the city, and work as one team to make Chinese food for the lunch rush. “Theez eez gonna be ni’mare on Ailm Street. Chineez food for Fabio,” Fabio tells us. Dale, however, is confident because he works in a dim sum house.

Padma explains that they’ll have to keep the dim sum carts filled at all times. They’ll have tonight to menu plan before shopping tomorrow at a Chinatown market.

They all head out to ogle Mike’s Prius. Marcel mimics Mike as a Jersey Shore type, fist pumping as he drives his. . .Prius. . .down the boardwalk. Something tells me Marcel hasn’t watched a whole lot of Jersey Shore. Either way, that was an interesting product placement.

Back at their apartment later, they start menu planning, calling out dishes that they want to do. Blais says the key to this challenge is speed. Jamie wants to do a scallop because she hasn’t done one yet. We get a Season 5 scallop montage. Mike volunteers to expedite since he has immunity. Carla and Casey end up covering the front of house, volunteering to push the little carts with the food.

Angelo and Dale are both doing 2 dishes since the challenge is in their wheelhouse. Jamie is also doing 2 dishes, which amazes Marcel since she’s “probably the slowest person in the kitchen.” Blais thinks working as one team “has disaster written all over it.”

We then see Dale looking at pictures of his girlfriend and talking about winning enough money to buy her a nice ring. The other chefs stay in the kitchen and have fun, until the girl chefs start talking about bras, and the boys all flee in terror.

Next Day! Shopping! 45 minutes! Tiffany talks about having experience with Chinese food since she was in China for almost a month. Fabio gets freaked out by the tank of turtles, because he has a pet turtle that is his princess, and he walks her on a Chihuahua leash.

Antonia is trying to be a team player by helping Jamie with her long beans. Casey is making “Chinese Chicken and Waffles” using chicken feet. Tiffani thinks that’s a ballsy move.

Grand Harmony! 3.5 Hours to prep. Jamie has never worked in a Chinese style kitchen before, and it makes her nervous. A lot of them seem struggling with the different equipment. Commercial.

Back. Oh, guess what? This episode is brought to us by Toyota. Who'da thunk it?

Anyway. We return to the frantic scene in the kitchen. Jamie’s dumplings aren’t working out, so she doesn’t have time to work on the long beans with Antonia. Casey is giving a pedicure to 5 million chicken feet. We learn that she collects art about butchering “and I really hope to impress the judges with my chicken feet.”

I am now secretly hoping for someone to say that on Dancing With the Stars. “I really hope to impress the judges with my chicken feet.”

Carla wishes she’d chosen something less “fiddly.” Tre is trying to keep his orange dessert cold as the kitchen gets hotter and hotter. Angelo talks about how his father used to make him pick through every grain of rice when they cooked on Saturdays, and how when he went to Singapore, it was the first time he’d seen his father proud of him. And another piece of the puzzle falls into place.

15 minutes. Casey is making sure her station is set so Antonia can finish for her while she pushes the cart. Fabio finds that his short ribs have finished perfectly, and calls it a “my-racle.”

Mike races upstairs to get ready for service. Tiffany loads the dumbwaiters to take food up to the restaurant.

A flood of Chinatown locals bursts into the restaurant, followed shortly by the judges. OH MY GOD, SUSUR LEE IS THE GUEST JUDGE!!!!!!!! I LOVE SUSUR!!! Remember how much I love Susur, children??? LOVE HIM!!!

Carla and Casey bring the first carts of food around. Carla introduces Tiffani’s Cabbage, Cilantro & Sesame Salad with Cripsy Curry Chicken [sic, Bravo interns. I love “cripsy” chicken], Fabio’s Soy Honey Glazed Spicy Pork Rib, and her own Summer Vegetable Summer Roll with Lemongrass Dipping Sauce. Casey tells them about Angelo’s Shrimp and Pork Spring Roll, and Marcel’s Boneless Chicken Wing with Scallion Mayonaise [sic, Bravo interns]. (I love the idea of scallion mayonnaise. Did you know scallions are the same thing as green onions? You totally want to sleep with me now, don’t you?)

The chefs try to hustle in the kitchen. Mike urges them to send things up.

Back in the dining room, Gail loves Angelo’s spring roll, and Padma thinks Fabio did a great job on the ribs. Tom comments on Richard’s Pork Spring Roll, which I don’t think we heard about before, but Gail thinks the alcohol didn’t burn off. Tom thinks Marcel’s wings are bland. Susur likes the dressing on Tiffani’s salad, but all they taste in Carla’s summer roll is the wrapper.

The kitchen is total chaos. Everyone is waiting for food upstairs. Jamie and Antonia disagree on the seasoning on their beans. Antonia thinks they’re underseasoned; Jamie thinks Antonia has PMS. This is all very mature.

Mike wrestles up some of the guys to serve the judges, and they introduce the Long Beans with Chinese Sausage, Dale and Angelo's Cheung Fun with XO Shrimp and Dale’s Sweet Sticky Rice with Chinese Bacon Wrapped in a Banana Leaf (oh YUM. I didn’t hear the full description until this morning, and I am now totally in favor of this dish), Tiffany’s Spicy Pork with Vegetables on a Steamed Bun and Tre’s Orange Ginger Dessert with Fresh Water Chestnuts, Toasted Pine Nuts and Thai Basil.

Mayhem breaks loose in the dining room because not enough food is coming around. People start grabbing food off the carts. Gail worries about revolt. Antonia thinks she doesn’t have time to finish Casey’s dish. The diners complain in subtitles about being fed “Caucasian Dim Sum.”

The judges enjoy Angelo and Dale’s Cheung Fun. Susur thinks the sticky rice is perfect, but the long beans are overcooked and greasy. Susur loves Tiffany’s pork bun, but feels Tre’s dessert should be colder and more like a jelly.

Casey worries that they’re not seeing some dishes come up, and when they do come up they don’t look good. She goes back down to the kitchen and finds that people -- not Antonia, but other people to whom Antonia's delegated the task while she focuses on her shrimp toast -- are deep frying her chicken feet instead of cooking them in a wok. Mike calls down and tells them tersely to “fire everything,” while Angelo says he hears the Titanic theme song in his head.

Tom goes down to the kitchen to kick some ass and tell them to get food out because people are walking out. Antonia thinks they should’ve made Dale the leader, since he has a Dim Sum background. Marcel, on the other hand, sees Dale wiping his shoes off. Dale says that service is a shit show, and that people should say who’s not finishing if they’re not finishing, and say it to their faces.

Tre brings food to the judges so that they, at least, can eat. They get Casey’s Chinese Chicken Feet & Scallion Pancake, Antonia’s Shrimp Toast with Pickled Scallions & Mushrooms, Mike’s Pork & Prawn Steamed Dumplings with Spicy Soy Sauce and Jamie’s Scallop Dumplings with Water Chestnuts & Chinese Chives.

Susur likes the chili in Mike’s dumpling, but thinks the soy is too strong. They like the shrimp toast. The chicken foot is undercooked and left untouched even by the starving diners. Jamie’s dish, interestingly, needs “more scallop.”

End of service. They all think that no one will win, and they’ve had the wind knocked out of them. Commercial.

Back! Fakeback! Tiffani says there’s nothing more humiliating to chefs than leaving a roomful of people hungry. Richard says it’s the most chaotic he’s ever seen, and Mike points out that everyone and everything sucked.

That was cheerful.

Really Back. The chefs discuss the lack of urgency in the kitchen. Tiffany points out that Antonia was the one who let Casey’s dish fall between the cracks, and Antonia defends herself by saying she was the only one who stepped up and said she’d do the dish to begin with. Um…then you should’ve done it. Don't try to act like you contributed by saying you'd do something when you didn't actually do that thing, princess.

Padma enters and calls back Casey, Antonia, Carla, Jamie, and Tre. That’s a lot of people. What’s up? Suspense!

Padma tells them they’re there because the whole point was speed, but from their perspective, things were dismal.

Tom points out that the way the kitchen functioned made no sense. Padma tells them that they also had their least favorite dishes.

They call out Jamie for her dry dumpling and her greasy beans with the underdeveloped flavor. They liked Antonia’s shrimp toast, but can’t overlook the fact that she contributed to the disappointing beans.

Casey says she wanted to do something different. They all hated the chicken feet, and Tom says the pancake was like lead. They ask who made the dish while she was upstairs. Antonia doesn’t even want to answer questions about it, because she feels like they didn’t have time to coordinate. She just stands there giggling and shaking her head about the whole thing. I am starting to really dislike her.

They think Tre’s dessert was too liquidy and didn’t deliver on its promise. Carla oversoaked her noodles and concentrated too much on the dish’s appearance. “You was just cooking with your eyes instead of cooking with your stomach,” Susur tells her. She reacts like she’s been shot.

Padma asks them to send back some of their colleagues – Tiffany, Angelo, Dale, and Fabio.

These four have the favorite dishes. Fabio tells them he thought he’d be kicked out off the bat without even the formality of judges’ table. They thought Tiffany’s buns were great (heh), and loved Dale’s sticky rice and Angelo’s spring rolls.

Susur announces that the winner is. . .Dale! Yay! He says he felt like he “robbed the bank on that one. We were all morons. Service sucked. It was terrible.” But he’ll take the win. I like that he’s honest about it.

The judges send them back to the stew so they can deliberate their colleagues fate.

Padma says this was a particularly hard decision since so many of them sucked. Jamie was involved in two shitty dishes. Antonia gave them a nice shrimp toast, but was also involved in the shitty long beans. The fact that they don’t bring up her involvement in the disastrous chicken feet is a) bullshit, and b) the point at which I realize Casey is going home. Tre’s was “half soup, half dessert” and “like hostel food.” Casey’s chicken feet was “a terrible dish.” Carla’s summer roll was bland and not even worth the calories. Commercial.

Back! We run down their failures: Antonia played a role in their least favorite dish, the long beans. Oh, but we won’t mention that she also played a role in the shitty chicken feet, because then we’ll have no excuse for sending Casey home. Jamie had two shitty dishes. Casey’s chicken feet were inedible [cough*largelybecauseofAntonia*cough]. Tre’s dessert lacked personality, and Carla’s sauce couldn’t rescue the summer rolls.

Padma tells. . .Casey to pack her knives and go. Jamie gasps. I may have gasped a bit myself. Casey interviews that everyone expected to hear Jamie’s name, including Jamie, and that she took a big risk leaving her dish in Antonia’s hands. She doesn’t think it was her time to go.

Next time: Long IsAand! Double Elimination? Fishing! I need you to get those peppers in that corn dog. So what? You won the fuckin’ challenge. Whatever. I’m gonna beat your ass if you don’t – and then the DVR cut off.