Top Chef All Stars: Arrivederci e Sbarazzarsi*

Eh, Spicy Meatloaf!
Perhaps this will stem the tide
Of obnoxious tweets?

Good morning, cow tongues. How are you this morning?

I’m a little torn. I was in such a good mood last night when I went to bed. And then I woke up this morning, ripped unceremoniously from a dream about vintage pants by the sound of my alarm, and feeling like ass.

So this may not turn out to be the “woooooOOOOOOOOooooOOOOOOO Fabio is GONE!” party you were expecting when you woke up this morning. Please know that I’m still feeling that way on the inside –it’s just that the “woooooOOOOOOOOooooooOOOOOO” is buried under about six layers of phlegm and some serious confusion about why, even in a dream, I’d be so attached to such ugly pants.

Let’s talk generalities: I liked the episode. Not just for the obvious no more Fabio type reasons, but because I thought it was funnier and more engaging than a lot of the episodes this season. Was it the best challenge? No. Was it even a fairly designed challenge, considering that most of them had to make fairly standard, All-American style comfort food, and one chef had to make. . .beef tongue? No. But it was interesting, and it moved quickly, and frankly it was a lot more fun to hear all of Higgins’ jokes than it was Lorraine Bracco’s endless supply of Goodfella’s stories.

Sorry, Lorraine Bracco. I still love you.

But I also love Jimmy Fallon. Have for a long time, even through all the laughing at his own jokes and cocaine rumors and crappy movies with Queen Latifah. When he first started doing "Weekend Update," a friend and I had a plan where we were going to drive to New York, kidnap him, and make him choose between the two of us. So it was great to see him. I realize he has less than zero in terms of food cred, but I thought he comported himself fairly well – like he and his wife really do enjoy the show and pay attention to it, and he brought what he’d learned from the show to the experience of judging.

And then there’s the obvious: woooooOOOOOOOOooooOOOOOOO Fabio is GONE!

I need to go back and watch or read about Season 5 again at some point and try to remind myself why I liked Fabio so much, because he has been so ruined for me at this point that I no longer understand it. I don’t think I’ve ever done this much of a reverse-o on a reality contestant before without meeting them in person.

It’s the same phenomenon at work here, though, even if it’s not quite “real life” and it’s in the opposite direction from usual. I know – we all know now, after sitting through this much reality programming – that we’re seeing one hour out of every 48 they shoot. And generally, I’ll find that the other 1410 minutes per day, they’re ok people – it’s just that the douchey comments they made were easier for the editors to sound-bite-itize.

In Fabio’s case, however, they seem to have selected the 30 minutes per day where he seemed charming. . .from a deluge of this:

So, Fabio, I’m sure your food is great. It looks great. I’d love to try it sometime.

But you, sir, are an immature, self aggrandizing douchebag, and a sore loser. You have both the self awareness and the sense of humor of an average middle schooler.

And (I can’t believe I’m about to do this) it’s insane to me that people are up Isabella’s ass about how much weight he’s gained between seasons, but no one’s mentioning how puffy and greasy you’ve gotten. You are not aging well, paisan’. Don’t count on living off of your “looks” and “charm” too much longer.

Look what you made me do, Fabio. You made me kind of stand up for Mike Isabella. That's what I'll really never forgive you for.

I really should’ve stayed up to put the finishing touches on this last night when I was all happy and celebratory instead of waiting to wake up and do it this morning. But, I suppose, how was I to know that I’d have red eyes and a scratchy throat and a cat hell bent on continuing her campaign to single-paw-edly remove the framed Vertigo poster from the bedroom wall by whacking at it (I just screamed at her to stop it or she’s a hat, then realized it’s a good thing I don’t have children).

Once again, we open in the Top Chef bar after the judges’ table. I don’t know that I like this opening scenario – it seemed more natural to do this sort of post-morteming of the previous challenge while they were still in the stew room instead of trying to convince us that they all duck round to their local after a challenge and hash things out there. Particularly since – as I just noticed last night – more than half of them aren’t drinking. I saw one close up of a cocktail to launch the scene, then realized that Carla, Tiffany, Angelo, Fabio, and Antonia are all drinking coffee out of paper cups.

But to stick to the reality the show is trying to create: they’re at the bar talking about the previous challenge. Dale reflects that he could’ve easily gone home. Fabio continues harping on Antonia’s “French” mussel dish. Mike tries to join in, which is HI-larious since his dish was on the bottom, regardless of nationality.

Credits

They enter the Top Chef kitchen, where there are a bunch of fondue pots and wine glasses lined up. Fondue pots make Richard think of “bellbottoms and high heels and maybe being naked” because his parents “definitely went to a nude fondue party. For sure.” I get the feeling Richard’s parents had a very different ‘70s experience than mine did. I think. I hope. No one dare tell me otherwise.

So Padma tells them that their quickfire challenge is to make fondue – but it has to be creative and unique. And their guest judge is. . .each other. . They have to vote for their favorites and least favorites, but they can’t vote for themselves and immunity is off the table. AND the winner wins a 3 day trip to Napa Valley. Antonia is worried about this because she doesn’t think people will be honest.

Fondue flurry! Isabella charmingly tells us that he was “born in the 70s, so I don’t know anyone who went to these gay fondue parties.” Oh, THERE’s the Mike Isabella we all remember from season 6. Antonia is basing one on a New York deli. Blais is doing exactly what Padma said not to and making chocolate and bananas.

“I don’t remember hearing about a lot of fondue parties in the south,” Tiffany deadpans. Hee. Fabio is basing his on memories of skiing, and Dale is making a Pho based “Pho-ndue.” Love it. I have issues with food wordplay when it’s stupid, like all the forced DC references last year, but when it’s on it’s ON. I like Dale more with every passing week. Angelo is doing a “deconstruction of a beet and goat cheese salad with endive.” Oh barf. Way to ruin goat cheese, Angelo (and yes I realize he’s hardly the first person to put beets and goat cheese together, but he’s the one on my screen at the moment so it’s ALL HIS FAULT). Anyway, something seems to go wrong with it, which I cannot help but consider karmic justice.

Time! They all get a glass of wine to start with, and then begin with Richard’s Bananas with Amaretto, Ras El Hanout, Chili Chocolate, Liquid Nitrogen. Continuing the theme of eating dessert first, they move to Tiffany’s station and have Apple Ricotta Fritter with Hazelnut Chocolate, which Blais finds Pedestrian.

Angelo explains his Walnuts, Endive with Goat Cheese Fondue, and Beet Juice Shooter. BLEAH. You want to know the only thing that makes me hate beets more than the fact that THEY COULD KILL ME? When I was 8, and we went to look at the house I would end up spending the rest of my growing up years in, the wife of the couple who owned it at the time was making pickled beets in their kitchen. It stank to high fucking hell. “I don’t want to live here,” I told my parents, and I remained convinced of this until I saw the ceramic lightswitch plate hand painted with violets (my birth flower) in the bedroom that would eventually be mine.

And then that horrible old woman took the lightswitch plate with her. She stank up the house with her briney death vegetables, and then stole the one thing I liked about it off the wall.

Anyway, Dale thinks Angelo’s dish is too complicated, which given the massive therapy bill it just ran up for me, I’m going to agree with. Carla’s far less traumatic fondue is is a Beef Tenderloin and Shrimp with Coconut Lime Curry Sauce.

Dale explains his “Pho-ndue”: Pho with Beef, Bread, Charred Ginger, Lime, Sriracha and Broth, then we move to Mike’s Spiced Lamb Kabobs with Mint and Chili, Feta Cheese Fondue. Antonia doesn’t like it, and thinks Mike wouldn’t know what to do if you took away lamb and Moroccan spices. I wonder if he knows what to do even WITH those ingredients, given that the idea of melted feta fondue makes me gag a little bit (and I LOVE feta like whoa, so it’s not even that). Antonia has made Smoked Salmon on Toast, Fromage Blanc and Crème Fraîche Fondue. And we finish up with Fabio’s Billini with Caviar, Crème Fraîche, Fromage Blanc and Bourdain Wine. Padma hands each of them a ballot. Richard thinks he’d win if there was a judge rather than the other cooks. Dale is trying to be honest “like New York Times reviewer up in this bitch.” Heh. See, this and his food and the whole not punching things and yelling are really winning me over. Commercial.

Back. Padma tells Fabio, Tiffany and Mike that they were the least favorites, and asks Dale why he had Mike on the bottom. He says the spice and feta didn’t work for him. Mike interviews that Dale is a “fucking monkey” for putting him in the bottom. CHARMING. Tiffany says she knows there were dishes worse than hers.

The top three were Antonia, Dale, and Angelo. Angelo is surprised. Blais thinks he didn’t get votes because the other chefs were intimidated. And the winner is. .. Dale! Yay! He says he doesn’t want to rub it in anyone’s face that he won, because “they know what’s up.”

Padma tells them that they have a very special treat for them. . .at Rockefeller Center, where they’ll find out more about their elimination challenge. So they head for 30 Rock, and end up outside a door where people are screaming.

We cut to the Late Night with Jimmy Fallon set, where he’s telling the audience that they’ll be playing “Cell Phone Shoot-Out.” The chefs are going to be the contestants. Everyone is excited and confused. I’m confused by how they managed to shoot this months ago – did they film it, not use it, and make the whole audience sign waivers saying they wouldn’t reveal which chefs were still in at that point.

I’m also confused about the whole “Cell Phone Shoot Out” thing, because I’ve never actually watched Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. This pains me, because as I mentioned earlier, I have long loved Mr. Jimmy Fallon. Also, the clips I’ve seen from the show are routinely hilarious, and involve excellent things like this:



But the thing is, it is on so late, and I am so old and so lame. I rarely manage to stay awake through the first interview segment on Conan – generally I fall asleep at about the point where he starts asking questions and wake up horribly disoriented at some point during Lopez Tonight, just long enough to wonder why Conan is now Mexican and not as funny, and turn the TV off. And even if I DO manage to stay up that late by some dint of sheer will power or insomnia, he’s on opposite Craig Ferguson, who I also love and find hilarious.

Thankfully, the rules of “Cell Phone Shoot Out” are explained for me and the other old lame people in the Top Chef audience: they have to pull out their cell phones and take a picture of images on a screen as they flash by. Whatever they get a picture of, they have to make for Jimmy’s birthday lunch the next day.

Antonia and Fabio go first, and Antonia gets beef tongue. She tells Jimmy she’s “very excited about the tongue,” then admits to the interviewer that she has no idea how to cook beef tongue. Fabio gets a hamburger and French fries (on top of the burger). Fabio has “never done a boorgor,” and can’t even pronounce it.

We then get a montage of other chefs shooting, and learn what they end up with: Angelo gets pulled pork; Tiffany has chicken and dumplings; Richard will make Ramen; Mike is doing sausage and peppers; Dale pulls a Philly cheese steak; and Carla shoots herself a chicken pot pie. Carla freaks out with excitement that she’s going to get to make pot pie; apparently she’s been talking about this for days now.

Higgins explains the rules of Jimmy’s birthday lunch: they’ll shop tonight and have 2 hours to cook tomorrow at Colicchio and Sons before the party. Jimmy hates mushrooms, mayonnaise, and eggplant. Oh, and his whole family will be there.

The chefs bust out of 30 Rock and head to Whole Foods for 45 minutes of shopping. Budget please? Hm, why doesn’t Top Chef tell us how much they’re spending on Jimmy Fallon’s lunch? Anyway, Carla thinks winning this challenge, which would be her 3rd win, would show she’s a force to be reckoned with. Um, YEAH. If your third win out of 9 elimination challenges doesn’t convince people that you’re a contender they’re just not paying attention. Dale is nervous about doing a Philly cheesesteak, but he’s doing a twist—putting it on a pretzel roll. Fabio is approaching the “boorgor” as though it was a meatball.

And then they go back to the penthouse for a commercial – I mean, to totally casually and normally make some Buitoni product placement pasta for dinner. Ok, the lobster and shrimp ravioli that they show Antonia opening up are pretty nast – I bought a packet when they first came out because that’s not the sort of thing I make for myself. The texture is a mess, and if you try to eat them in normal portions and keep some for leftovers you make yourself a sick puppy.

As they endure....erm, enjoy their pasta, Richard is kind of psyching himself out about how he didn’t understand the pain of losing last time around, and has to win this time or his time on Top Chef would’ve been unsuccessful. Eek. Commercial.

Back. The chefs are waking up the next morning. Dale complains about living with Angelo since he’s a pretty boy with his “well manicured 5 o’clock shadow.” He adds “I still think I’m a better chef, even though he’s a stunning man.”

The chefs head to Colicchio and Sons. Angelo says he hasn’t been working toward his strength, which is flavor. He makes a spice blend for his pulled pork. Antonia has been getting advice for how to cook tongue in 2 hours from Richard. Mike thinks Richard helps other people too much. He’s doing his sausage and peppers “Fenway style” because he thinks Jimmy Fallon is from Boston. Um…no. Mike apparently doesn’t know the difference between "acting" and "real,
and has conflated Brooklyn-born Jimmy Fallon with his Bostonian characters from Saturday Night Live and Fever Pitch. Dale is nervous about the seasoning for the Philly Cheesesteaks –he says the comments from last week about his food being bland are still weighing on him.

Tiffany worries that she’s been all over the place in the competition. She’s making Southwestern style chicken and dumplings. Carla is feeling the pressure about being so stoked to get the pot pie, and now she has to make it in two hours. Dale doesn’t think she’ll make it.

Padma, Tom, and Gail wander up to the restaurant followed shortly by Jimmy Fallon and his wife and a bunch of Jimmy’s family and writers and everything. Padma appears to be wearing the dress I wore to my 8th birthday party in 1985.

15 minutes! Fabio is melting the cheddar for his boorgor and putting it on the side. Antonia thinks her tongue tastes great.

Service! Padma introduces the judges – herself, Tom, Gail, and Jimmy Fallon. They first things they’re served are Antonia’s Beef Tongue, Pumpernickel Rye, Caramelized Onions and Dill Slaw and Fabio’s Hamburger, Melted Cheddar Cheese Sauce and Fries.

The diners tuck in. Jimmy thinks Fabio’s Boorgor is almost meatloaf like, and Gail doesn’t think it has juiciness. Tom doesn’t like it, and isn’t crazy about the cheese sauce.

Jimmy then explains that he doesn’t like mayonnaise because he once got his head stuck in a fence, and his grandmother poured mayonnaise all over him to lube him up so they could pop his head out. He does like Antonia’s tongue, though, and Gail agrees. Higgins says she “licked the challenge.”

Back in the kitchen, Tiffany is excited about her dish, but Richard is nervous about his Ramen noodles, but thinks this is his chance to show he doesn’t need “a helmet, 40 pounds of dry ice and a flame thrower to make my food exciting.”

Service. Richard explains his Ramen Noodles with Seared Pork Belly, Duck Legs and Duck Egg and then Tiffany talks about her Chicken, Dumplings with Poblano Chilies, Red Peppers, Cilantro, and Lime.

The guests get to slurping on their Ramen. Jimmy’s dad thinks he did a good job and liked the egg. Jimmy was expecting more fireworks from a Richard dish, and feels like Richard “bunted.” He thought Tiffany’s dumplings were too spicy, and his head writer calls it “tortilla soup with some dough in it.”

Back to the kitchen, where Carla runs around squawking. Dale works at keeping Carla’s flailing arms away from his food. And the two of them head out and present Carla’s Chicken Pot Pie with Carrots, Celery, Pea Salt and Herbs and Dale’s Philly Cheesesteak on a Pretzel Roll, Hot Sauce, Onions, and Cheddar Cheese.

The diners chow down on the cheese steak. Jimmy’s mom thinks it’s tender, but Jimmy says there’s too much salt. Gail does however like the onions with the buffalo wing sauce, but agrees that it’s too salty. The head writer likes the pea salt on Carla’s pot pie. Tom refuses to critique Carla’s pot pie because he’s “too busy eating.” Damn I think that’s a first -- Tom motherfucking Colicchio so engrossed in a chef’s food that he passes on the opportunity to say something. Carla must’ve honored the shit out of that chicken.

In the kitchen, Angelo feels great about his pork sandwiches, then accuses Mike of knocking them over. So the next round consists of Angelo’s Pulled Pork with Coffee, Dill, Allspice and Chipotle Rub, Coleslaw (featuring an embarrassingly mispronounced “chipoltay”) and Mike’s Sausage, Peppers, Onions, Garlic, Fennel, and Paprika.

Jimmy says Angelo’s pork is a home run, and Tom says the sauce is amazing. Higgins makes a joke about pulling his own pork. Gail loved how the sausage and peppers were so thin and soaked up the juices. Higgins also loved Mike’s sausage.

The diners toast each other and thank the chefs, who appear with a birthday cake for Jimmy. It’s an ice cream cake, his favorite. He says this was the best birthday lunch he’s had, and the winner will also get a cooking segment on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Commercial.

Back. Fakeback! Jimmy asks Gail how things are at Food & Wine, and talks about how they once asked him for his mom’s recipes and she gave him a cheesecake recipe. . .that she’d gotten from Food & Wine. Wah-wah.

Back for reals. The chefs gather in the stew room. Carla is still hyped up about the competition and mimics how she ran around squawking like a bird. Padma, in the dress I wore to my 8th birthday party in 1985, calls back Carla, Angelo, and Antonia.

The three of them head to judges table, where Padma congratulates them on having the best dishes. Jimmy thanks them for making him the “greatest birthday lunch ever.” He and Tom compliment the sauce on Angelo’s pork. They talk about how great Carla is for putting crust on the bottom of the pot pie (I endorse this, by the way – pot pie without the bottom crust to chase the juices around with is some bullshit), and Jimmy says he could tell there was love in it. Ugh. Tom tells Antonia she did a great job with the beef tongue, especially in the short time. The chefs then sing a beef tongue song.

Jimmy announces that the winner is. . .Carla! Yay!! She flips out and flaps around some more. Padma tells her that in addition to going on Jimmy’s show, she gets a 6 night trip to Hilton Tokyo and $5000 for airfare. Carla continues flapping excitedly. Eventually, she achieves lift-off, and then flies herself to Tokyo. It is unclear from Bravo’s rules and regulations whether Carla’s ability to fly will mean that she can use the $5000 for something other than airfare, or whether she forfeits it altogether.

They return to the back, where Carla calls in Tiffany, Fabio, and Dale. Carla tells the remaining chefs that she’s going to Tokyo. Richard says it’s interesting to see the others “worked up” about Carla winning her 3rd trip and 3rd elimination challenge, but points out that you don’t have to win until the end. Eh. A little unsportsmanlike and defensive, I think. We’re not seeing the most flattering view of Blais this evening.

The bottom 3 file into the Judges’ room. Padma tells them they had the least favorite dishes. They begin with Tiffany. Tom says her dumplings were flat, and she acknowledges that she rolled them too thin.

Padma tells Fabio that he treated the hamburger patty too much like a meatball, and Gail says it was missing the “juicy beefy meatness.” Please, Gail – it may be 10 o’clock, but this is still a family show. Tom says the cheese sauce was the worst thing on the plate.

Jimmy then says he had to drink a keg of beer to make up for the saltiness of Dale’s sandwich, and Gail says that between the salt on the bread and the salt in the sauce…it was too much. He admits that he let the “bland” criticism from the last challenge get into his head.

The judges deliberate. Gail says Tiffany masked the chicken with “everything else” in the dish. Jimmy didn’t get the “doughiness” or the “graviness” that he wanted. Fabio’s boorgors were not burgers. The focus of the dish fell short. Dale’s dish was great on the first bite, but then the salt kicked in and destroyed the dish. They have an answer. Jimmy seems to be in some sort of physical agony about it. Commercial.

Back! Tom recaps their shortcomings: Tiffany made a clear soup with flat noodles; Fabio gave them dry meatloaf instead of a juicy burger; Dale’s was oversalted.

Padma tells. . .Fabio to pack his knives and go. I scream “YESSSSSS!” and scare the cat.

He then threatens to cook a boorgor for Jimmy Fallon in the future that will make him beg for forgiveness (and by forgiveness he means "his life"), and says people should look to him for “consistency and poorsorveerance” and tells people they’re “the only shadow standing in your own sonshine.”

Next! Muppets! Elmo! Cookie! It’s Me kind of place! Target! I’m still shopping. And then. . .wait. Is that Ken Jeong?(please don’t tell me it’s an Asian chef I know but am confusing with Ken Jeong because I’m secretly racist. . .and/or obsessed with Community).

*roughly "goodbye and good riddance"