Top Chef All Stars: Big Night at Rao's

Tre, “Black Italian?”
Too firm risotto says not
There goes the hotness.

Grumble.

Good morning, mussels. Did you enjoy your week off from Top Chef All Stars? I kind of did, actually – it’s nice sometimes to have a week without Fabio’s live tweets of the episode. Seriously. Tiresome. Take a look:

See? I know I should just unfollow him because THEY’RE AWFUL and they’ve totally ruined Fabio for me, but it’s like a car accident on the other side of the highway. I don’t want to look for too long, but I can’t stop myself from repeatedly glancing over.

Anyway. I’m in a moderately foul mood this morning, not because – or not just because – of Fabio’s tweets and last night’s episode, but because I woke up at 3:30 with “California Gurls” running through my head and thinking about how bad this is going to be and how between that and the end of The Fashion Show and how ridiculous V was this week, soon I will have nothing on my DVR on Tuesdays.

And then the cat climbed into the electrical panel, and I had to fish her out, and now I’ve taped it closed and she’s sitting there staring at it like it’s freaking Bali Hai or something and she’s longing to get back.

It’s been a long morning already, is what I’m saying.

But to last night’s episode: I loved the idea. I love the idea of doing an Italian challenge, because I love when they make them all focus on one particular type of ethnic food – and it’s not a nebulously defined ethnic food like “Asian” or something. And I also love it because I love Italian food. And all of the secondi made me want to jump through my TV screen, chow down on it with the Rao's crowd, and lick my plate.

The episode itself, though, was seriously un-dynamic. There was almost no tension – it was pretty much clear that either Tre or Mike would be going home from the way they were being presented (though my money was on Mike, since a) I would’ve thought they wanted the double whammy of him thinking he was the favorite in the Italian challenge and then ending with him going home, and b) the diners said his dish was the weakest of the three weak primi). I do appreciate that in theory, that gives more time to focus on the food, but they didn’t really focus on the food. They focused on Antonia, Fabio, and Mike talking about their Italianness.

Really, I wish we could’ve spent more time with the dining group. I bet an extra 5 to 10 minutes of them would’ve lifted this episode from apathetic to entertaining.

Especially if – no offense, Lorraine Bracco – we cut the number of Goodfellas related stories in half and let the real characters talk for awhile. Like Nicky the Vest. You know he’s got things to say – he’s a long time bartender! He’s Nicky the Vest! Give the man room to speak!

And Tre…I’m sorry you got sent home, because now this show has absolutely nothing in the way of hotness. And now there’s no one left from the first three seasons. And that bums me out.

Ok. Let’s go.

We’re back to the night time opening, in the bar again. Tre feels bad that Marcel has left despite all his training. We flash back to Mike yelling at Marcel and he tells us he didn’t enjoy two days of working with “a leader I did not respect.” Mike is apparently on top of Antonia’s “list of people I want to go home.” Mine too.

Credits!

The chefs stroll into the kitchen to find Padma there with Isaac Mizrahi. Aw, man, I thought we were done with Isaac for awhile after last week. Angelo says he’s excited to see Isaac because he’s passionate about fashion. I never would’ve guessed this from his weird collection of hypercolor deep-v shirts, zipped up track suit jackets, and Kanye LaForge glasses, so I’m glad he’s pointed that out for us.

Padma explains that it’s Fashion Week, and Isaac tells us his collection is inspired by his Xerox machine “of all things!” This is so we’ll think he’s a precious, twee little man who finds inspiration everywhere in the world. Padma then tells them that “a plate’s presentation should be designed to attract the palate.” So the quickfire is to design a visually appealing plate. Padma and Isaac won’t taste the dishes, but instead will judge on aesthetics only. The winner of the challenge will get immunity.

Food flurry! They’ve got 30 minutes to make their plates. Carla says she loves this challenge because it reminds her of her modeling experience. Fabio’s food is inspired by “a byooteeful wooman, walkeen een the rain, tryeen to not get mess’ up by the water.” Alright then.

Blais says the difficulty of the challenge is getting your head wrapped around the fact that it doesn’t have to be eaten. He’s making black ice cream since Isaac always wears black. Antonia is not cooking; she’s making a plate inspired by The Giving Tree. Dale’s is inspired by a street-art picture he got for his girlfriend for finishing her Masters (note: when I woke up this morning, that said “finishing her mustards.” I don’t know if that was my error or something MS Word corrected to from a different error that I made, but it tickled me to no end). Angelo’s inspiration is Cavalli and crocodile skin.


Five minutes! Everyone starts dashing around the room. Mike thinks the dishes look pretty weird.

Isaac and Padma wander around the room not-tasting the dishes, thus giving Padma more in common with other models than she usually has. They open with Carla’s Borscht and Sandwich with a Lattice of Cucumber. Next up is Tre’s Smoked Salmon, Beets, Curry Noodles, Food Coloring. “There’s an abstract quality to this that I appreciate,” Isaac tells him.

Fabio has written something about style all over his plate of Tuna with a Sidewalk of Caramel, Mushroom Umbrellas and Lemon Juice. Isaac gives him a skeptical eyebrow while he explains that the tuna is the lady walking in the rain. Tiffany thinks Fabio’s story is “bullcrap.”

Dale displays his Beet Purée, Cantaloupe, Maple Syrup Meringue, Avocado, and Mango which Isaac finds unappetizing. Dale says a “fashion designer’s opinion” means nothing to him. Mike says his Carrot Purée, Roasted Eggplant, and Egg Yolk was inspired by Padma and Isaac’s clothes. “It actually makes me want to eat the raw egg,” Isaac raves, then continues about how there’s nothing more delicious than a raw egg “especially when it doesn’t have salmonella.”

Richard presents his Black Chocolate Ice Cream, Menthol Crystals, Herbal Salad, Mint Ice Cream Dots. Isaac thinks it’s sophisticated. Antonia shows her Giving Tree inspired Yuca [sic] Potato, Lentils, Nuts and Seeds. Isaac says The Giving Tree is his favorite book. But he thinks the scale of the nuts to the tree is off. Antonia says this is “the most ridiculous comment I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Fabio made little tuna people, and then sprinkled acid lemon rain on them.” Ok, hateration. How are tuna people more ridiculous than potato trees? Blais whispers to Dale that he thinks there’s a koala bear in Antonia’s dish. Catty, but very accurate – it reminds me of Frank’s ridiculous acid trip mushroom kingdom from Season 2.

Not Hung’s Smurf Village, mind you, which had whimsy and its own awesome power. No, Antonia’s thing is on par with Frank’s sad, forgettable, unfunny mushroom kingdom. They’re both ugly as shit and made worse by their own sincerity.

Next we hear about Tiffany’s Almond Gazpacho, Grapes, Dirt Made of Rye Bread. Angelo has written “crocodile” across the table under his Pineapple Skin, Curry Salted Egg,and Dill, but spelled it wrong, according to the ladies. Isaac compares the writing to Charles Manson. Isaac appears to have relocated his bitch pants after being relatively mild on The Fashion Show all season. I like to think Iman threatened him. “Listen, bitch,” she probably hissed. “There’s only room for one evil diva on this shitshow, and it’s me. So keep it in check or I will rip your motherfucking heart out and eat it.”

Isaac shares his picks for the bottom group. He liked Dale’s idea, but the colors on the palette didn’t look good. Tre didn’t do enough with his. And Angelo gets a thumbs down for writing on the table.

In the top batch, we have Fabio’s, which Isaac says was beautiful on the plate. Carla did beautiful hand crafting. And Richard’s black base was incredibly beautiful. And the winner is. . .Richard! Yay! He gets immunity for the next challenge. Commercial!

Back! Padma tells them that for their elimination challenge, they’ll be cooking at one of New York’s most exclusive restaurants, where tables are passed down from generation to generation. They start pulling Italian names out of the knife block – Frankie No, Junior, and Dino the Chef.

I love that there’s a Frankie No and a Frankie Junior . Somewhere on the far flung branches of my family tree, I’m told there’s a gentleman named Big Frankie who had a son called Little Frankie who had a son called Strange Frankie (because he may’ve been gay, and it was the 50’s) who had a son called Little Frankie Junior.

Mike is excited about the Italian challenge, but the names make Tre think of the mafia, and think that the challenge will involve “cutting off fingers or digging ditches.” Way to stereotype, Tre. Just because it’s Black History Month doesn’t mean you get to be all racial against the rest of us.

So in walk three gentlemen of Italian extraction: Frankie Pellegrino, Frankie Junior, and Dino the Chef. Fabio knows exactly who they are -- the owners of Rao’s , a ten table Southern Italian restaurant that’s been operating in New York for four generations.

Frankie No fills us in on the background of Rao’s , and then challenges the chefs to cook an Italian feast for the Rao’s family. Padma says they’ll be using Rao’s history as inspiration to make a three course Italian dish – antipasti, primi, and secondi. The chefs in Dino’s group will make antipasti, the Junior chefs will do the primi, and the Franki No group secondi. They’ll be judged on their individual dishes.

They then have 30 minutes to consult with their assigned Rao person in their groups. Tre wants to make a risotto. Frankie Jr. tells them that at Rao’s, they stay very close to traditional dishes. Tre tells us people call him “the black Italian.” Oh Jesus.

Carla loves the challenge because “Italian food is comfort food” and that’s what she does. Antonia says the experience is making her miss her parents.

Fabio dominates the conversation with the secondi group, telling Frankie No what his family does rather than listening to what the Rao’s group does.

The chefs head out shopping. I totally miss the screen saying how much time and money they have, but at this point in the show I’m already about 10 minutes behind actual time. Fabio says that his “polenta and sheeken will breeng back the bes’ memories they have about food.” Mike says the challenge reminds him of his grandmother who’s why he started cooking.

Back to the kitchen. Antonia tells us her 100% Sicilian father wouldn’t forgive her if she doesn’t do well in this challenge. Mike is making fresh rigatoni to show off his pasta technique. Tiffany poo-poos the idea that the Italian and Italian-American chefs have an advantage. “I worked in an Italian restaurant for 5 years. I got this.” Antonia thinks Tre’s not taking enough care with his risotto.

5 minutes. Mike tells us that “being Italian” there’s a lot of pressure. He says he’d rather not be “the favorite” in this challenge. This is where I sprain my eyeballs from rolling them, both because I’m a little over this “I’m more Italian,” “no, I’M more Italian,” “ju eedeeots, AY am de only reeel Eetaaalyan!” nonsense (one of the reasons I found Tiffany’s “bish, please,” so refreshing), and because the idea of Mikey being “the favorite” in this – or any—challenge… it is to laugh.

(And yes, I’ve heard all the speculation that they’re giving him a more positive edit this season because he wins, and I’m choosing to ignore it. It’s not a logical leap, in my opinion – he’s not the only one getting a better or different edit, and they haven’t worried in the past about giving the winner or potential winners [like everyone who makes the finale] a positive edit) Commercial.

Back! The chefs enter the dining room of Rao’s with its jukebox full of Frank Sinatra and it’s marinated in marinara smell.

The antipasti girls head for the kitchen to start their course, and rejoice about cooking with each other because they’re all so clean. Tiffany’s polenta catches fire. 10 minutes. She has to do a lot of adjusting.

The diners enter – we have Tom, Bourdain, Padma and first season finale judge/Dr. Melfi Lorraine Bracco, in addition to a bunch of Rao’s associates, including one older man in a MAGNIFICENT glittery vest. It’s like something a blackjack dealer would wear at one of the older strip casinos in Vegas, and here he is, wearing it – apparently without irony – for a sit down dinner with the Top Chef judges at Rao’s. I love him. I want to adopt him as my long lost uncle who wears pinkie rings and pretends to pull silver dollars out of your ear (I’m low on those at the moment). Lorraine Bracco reminisces about her first time eating there when she came with Joe Pesci and Ray Liotta during the filming of Goodfellas. Dinner at Rao’s with Ray Liotta is now going on my lifetime impossible dream list (preferably young Field of Dreams era Ray Liotta, but if all I can get is current, somewhat creepy Ray Liotta, I’d take it).

(This reminds me to put in a plug for the Australian film Animal Kingdom, which I saw this weekend. I’ve heard it aptly compared to “the third act of Goodfellas,” and it is amazingly intense and full of super hot dudes with Australian accents, and also Guy Pearce in a stupid looking moustache. Go see it. You go now!)

The antipasti girls enter with their course, and Padma introduces the other diners: Joe, the Rao’s manager, Nicky the Vest (SQUEE, HIS NAME IS NICKY THE VEST), Rao’s longtime bartender, and Ron Straci, the co-owner.

The ladies begin introducing their dishes. Carla has made Minestrone Soup with Basil Oil, Tomatoes, and Homemade Focaccia. Antonia’s dish is Mussels with Fennel, White Wine, Garlic and Parsley Ciabatta. The mussels look insultingly good to me – I almost had mussels and fritte for dinner on Tuesday, but was crowded out of my post-work local by a bunch of Capitols fans. Time for a Bistro La Bonne visit, I think. Finally, there’s Tiffany’s Polenta Terrine with Italian Sausage, Roasted Peppers, and Kale.

Frankie No and Tom like the family style presentation. Bourdain likes Carla’s minestrone, but Joe thinks “it’s like the soup you could find in Wisconsin.” OUCH. Anyway. The crowd likes the polenta, and Nicky the Vest blesses Tiffany’s hands in Greek for making it.

The primi boys enter the kitchen and start preparing as the diners eat the mussels. Bourdain finds them very confident, and they all seem to enjoy the fennel taste. It reminds Tom of his grandfather, and how they used to fishing together. Aw. But also, it seems like Tom’s family fishing trips are kind of a leitmotif for the season.

Lorraine tells another Goodfellas story, and it segues into a story about the “matriarchal presence” in Italians’ lives that I would eyeroll at if it weren’t so absolutely true. As my douchey ex boyfriend used to say, stereotypes become stereotypes for a reason. We also learn that Tom’s mother’s family is from Calabria (mine too!) and his father’s is from a town south of there that I don’t catch.

The primi boys introduce their pasta dishes. Mike has made Spicy Calamari, Fresh Rigatoni and Tomato Sauce. Dale’s dish is Fresh Pasta, Pancetta, Brussels Sprouts, Chanterelle Mushrooms, Pecorino Romano. That sounds like it should be good – I’m such a whore for Brussels Sprouts right now, though, so maybe that’s just my bias creeping in. Finally we have Tre’s Grilled Vegetable Risotto, Marinated Tomatoes and Fresh Basil.

The diners are not enjoying Dale’s dish because the flavors aren’t incorporating. Tre’s risotto “is not what it was supposed to be” and Bourdain says he’s covered it over “like you’re hiding a body.”

The secondi boys storm into the kitchen and start preparing their dishes.

Back in the dining room, Mike’s pasta isn’t even cooked, and someone says it’s the least pleasing of the three. Bourdain compares it to something “you’d find in a steam table at your worst enemy’s wedding” and Frankie Jr. is pissed that Mike didn’t listen to him when he said it was fine to use dry pasta.

The secondi team brings in their courses. Fabio introduces his Pollo Alla Cacciatora, Polenta Al Pecorino. Yum. Oh lordy, yum. It’s probably the shittastic winter we’ve been having, but I really, REALLY want a caccitore right now. Angelo’s dish is Sautéed Pork Chop, Cherry Peppers, Green Olives, Tomatoes, and Pancetta. Blais has made a Fresh Pancetta Cutlet, Broccolini, Pickled Cherry Tomatoes . Nom on that one too. “Things are lookin’ up” someone in the dining room says.

They think Angelo’s pork is tasty but a little too busy. Bourdain says it’s swimming in sauce. Joe the Manager says Richard’s was the best of the three, and Frankie Jr. says he let the ingredients be “the star of the show.” Frankie No likes the fact that Fabio went “old world” with the dish, and Bourdain says his polenta “wiped away the stain of the previous course.”

Frankie No then gives a lovely toast about what a delight it was to have them all there, while in the back, Mike frets about his dish and the fact that his pasta probably wasn’t all cooked to al dente. Commercial.

Fakeback! Mike shows Dale and Antonia how to make gnocchi in a not-at-all obvious plug for Top Chef University.

Back. In the stew room. Mike is telling Tiffany that her dish didn’t sound like antipasto to him. Douche. How’s THAT for your nicer, more positive edit, America?

Padma enters and calls back Antonia, Carla, Fabio, and Tiffany. Mike blusters about how he can’t see the chefs who are still back there being in the bottom.

Judges’ Table. Padma tells the chefs in front of them that they had the top dishes of the evening. Tiffany cries because of the ups and downs of this challenge and the last few. Lorraine Bracco tells her she loved the dish. Tom congratulates Antonia on knowing when to leave a good thing alone. Lorraine “adored” Carla’s soup because the parmesan was in the soup. I’m taking great comfort right now in the fact that Lorraine Bracco would probably like my minestrone if that’s part of her criteria – I always throw the rind of a parmesan in when I make it. I learned this authentic Italian trick from. . .Nigella Lawson. Tom compliments Fabio’s chicken and Bourdain says “I was in a very dark place after the previous course, and your polenta pulled me back to the light.”

Lorraine Bracco congratulates …Antonia on the win. Fabio says he “chouldave won thees” and derides Antonia’s mussels as a French dish. Ok, moron. While I’ll agree that steaming mussels isn’t the most challenging thing you could do, his criticism ticks me off. First, it’s not like you ONLY find mussels in France (or Belgium), so it’s the seasonings that define them as being from a particular nation.

Second, I HATE people who insist that their understanding of their country’s food is the ONLY one. There’s a restaurant in Memphis that my parents really liked that describes itself as a “Deli Mexicana.” And there are signs all over the walls when you walk in telling you NOT to tell the chef about how long you lived anywhere in or near the Sonoran region, because “that isn’t Mexican food.” Apparently, only this jerk’s Mexico City style tacos and elotes qualify as actual Mexican food in his world. Based on the reviews online, apparently everyone else in the world loves this place; I, however, was so turned off by that attitude that I couldn’t even stomach it.

Look at it this way: if someone from Chicago moved to … Berlin, say, and opened an American restaurant, and told people there NOT to tell him about how long they lived in Philadelphia because cheesesteaks were NOT American food, that ONLY hot dogs and deep dish pizza were American food? That’s how much of a dick Fabio and the Mexican deli owner look like in my eyes.

They return to the stew room and Antonia announces her win. It takes the other chefs about twenty minutes of shocked silence to applaud for her – because, as I acknowledged, it wasn’t exactly a challenging dish to prepare. She sends back everyone from the pasta course.

At Judges' Table, Mike says he knew his pasta was undercooked. Bourdain agrees that it was tough and says it was improperly sauced as well. “If you’d used some pasta out of the box, you wouldn’t be here.” Tom says there was also too much egg in it. “it just wasn’t good, Mike. I’m sorry” Lorraine says gently.

Tom says that Dale’s was falling apart in his mouth, and not sauced. Lorraine says that it was really bland, and she doesn’t know how he managed to make pancetta bland.

Tre thinks his rice was properly cooked. Tom disagrees because risotto shouldn’t be firm. Tre tries to blame this on the plating, which doesn’t hold. Bourdain says he buried the dish in garnish.

Padma sends the chefs back to the stew room.

Tom says that the hard thing about Italian food is that it IS simple. Padma thinks that Tre just doesn’t know what risotto is. Bourdain says there were too many ingredients and too many flavors. Padma thinks Dale’s dish had potential but it turned out bland. Bourdain credits Mike for understanding the challenge, but says he failed to execute. Commercial.

Please enjoy for a moment this picture of Lorraine Bracco, included only to demonstrate how freaking hot Lorraine Bracco is. Seriously, I think she looks better now than she did when Goodfellas was filmed, and I would like to know what gods she is making offerings to, or how much olive oil she’s drinking every morning, or whatever it is she’s doing that has her looking that good.

Back. Tom recaps the challenge and says they should’ve hit it out of the park. Mike’s pasta wasn’t even al dente. Tre’s rice was poorly cooked. Dale’s pasta was dry, not cooked, and not well made.

Padma asks…Tre to pack his knives and go. Mike looks both stunned and relieved. Tre says that leaving the second time is bittersweet and “sucks.” He’s glad he kept his composure and represented his family, and is glad he came with an open mind to “win a lot of knowledge and win a lot of new friends.”

Next: “that’s Jimmy Fallon there!” Watching Carla is like watching a chicken with a head cut off at this point. And then Antonia is singing something, and then the DVR cuts out.