Top Chef All Stars: a Fishy Situation

The new improved Dale
Showed growth as both man and chef
Must leave for fish stew

In my high school honors Humanities class senior year, we had to watch this movie called Pyramid, which included both live action scenes of the narrator explaining ancient Egypt, and cartoon scenes of life in Egypt. Because in Arizona, that’s an appropriate teaching material for high school seniors in an honors class.

Anyway, there’s a point at which the pharaoh learns his father’s tomb has been looted, and he responds “My father’s tomb? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” with the camera spiraling out away from him, as cameras do when someone in a movie yells “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” And so for the last 16 years, my best friend and I have used that as our go-to melodramatic reaction when things go mildly awry. E.G., if someone takes your assigned parking space at work or your apartment complex, the appropriate reaction is “My parking space? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

And that’s how I felt last night. My Top Chef Dale?



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Like Tiffani, Dale’s experience has been exactly what All Stars should be about – someone who came across really badly during their initial season, and instead of blaming the editing and evading responsibility, they took what they saw on screen and put it toward making themselves better.

They grew up. And that sounds like such a banal thing, but if you look at other multi-term reality TV “characters,” it’s so very rare. Think about the number of Survivors who came back for an All Star or Fans v. Favorites season and play the same way they played the first time out. Think of the Housewives who keep spending and spending season after season even once we’ve seen – on screen and off – them going through foreclosures, evictions, bankruptcies. Think about whatserbutt and steroidface from Jersey Shore, and how they let the same mutually abusive and exploitative relationship play out season after season after season.

Think about some of the Top Chefs who were dickbags on their season and came back and acted like dickbags on this one. There are plenty of dickbags out there who never change their spots.

Dale’s not one of them. Dale grew up. He still has that odd mixture of brash and laconic going on; he’s still stuck on himself (and I’ll say it again: any of these chefs who doesn’t have an ego is flat out doin’ it rong). But he’s not the same yelling, pacing, confrontational, locker punching assface we met a few years back.

He said all that better himself in his parting remarks, though, so I’ll leave that theme for now, and just say: Dale, you’re awesome. You have every reason to be proud of what you’ve done this season, and I hope I get to eat your food some day, because those cookies? Those are the bomb.

Now, to the other side of things.

If you follow Tom’s twitter, you know that he tweeted the following during last night’s East Coast broadcast: “It happens every day you would be amazed if to find out how many chefs steal or borrow from other chefs./ Not cool but menu items cannot be protected under copyright or IP laws”

And that’s absolutely true. And on the one hand, let’s face it: it’s the 21st century. People have been eating for hundreds of thousands of years. There’s a limit to how truly “innovative” any chef can be.

But to me, the real issue with Mike’s being a cheating, dickbag, stealer face comes down not to a question of law, but a question of character. I’d be less bothered by him taking “inspiration” (cough*theentirerecipelockstockanddeepfriedbarreldowntothepresentation*cough) from Richard if:

1) He’d done anything to put his own spin on it at all. Think of the first season Masters challenge where they all had to put their own spin on one of their competitors’ dishes. If he’d put anything about himself into the dish, it would’ve been another thing altogether. But the dish he did was all Richard – it had no trace of Mike’s style at all, making it seem like Mike is a good executor of others’ ideas, not an innovator himself.

2) It wasn’t in these circumstances. They’re in direct competition, and Mike is using Richard’s ideas. It’s an entirely different scenario than if I have a great dish at a restaurant in New York and then go to Chicago and make a similar dish at my restaurant there (though if it’s a direct rip off, I still say it’s a dick move).

3) He hadn’t been such a fucking dick about it. He flatly acknowledges that he took the idea of the dish from Richard, and then he spends the rest of the episode complaining that Richard’s pissed off about it. Go to hell, assface. You don’t like the way people react when you steal their ideas? Here’s a thought: STOP STEALING THEIR IDEAS.

But we’ll get to all of that in time. Let’s start the show.

We begin in the stew room, where Isabella is freaked out about losing his boyfriend, Angelo, and Tiffany is “com-PLETEly surprised” that it wasn’t her. Dale is on a high from winning both of the episode’s challenges. “I crushed an episode,” he says. At that ominous THUNK you hear is the sound of the hour’s first anvil falling from the sky.

Credits!

The next morning, they’re sitting around a counter, and Blais is talking about how he’s filled 2 notebooks with recipe plans since they’ve been on the show. This is pretty impressive, even though the notebooks are the small-sized Moleskines which don’t take a whole lot of work to fill up (unless you can force yourself to write in appropriately tiny script, and then personally I just get frustrated and switch to a larger notebook instead of finishing that one. Tiffany enters the kitchen wearing eyeshadow on the theory that if she looks better and feels better, she’ll cook better . Dale gives her a campy reaction indicating how fabulous she is. She reflects that this is the exact point that she went out in her season.

They then truck on over to the Top Chef All Stars kitchen, where Paula Deen “and her beautiful hair” are waiting for them with Padma. Ulch. You al remember back when I fully loved Paula, right? That has changed a great deal, mostly since she started being all-Pauler-all-the-time, and amping up the dirty old lady/ giggling fool/ sexual innuendo/ I’m just gonner drink this here bottle of mayonnaise because I’m not some old fuddy duddy who worries about health aspect of her schtick. Also, the Smithfield thing didn’t help. I’m not the most conscientious or ethical consumer, and I’m not going to preach to you about why I buy what I buy and eat what I eat, but the bright line I do draw is that insomuch as I can control it, my money is never going toward Smithfield products (or anything from Koch industries). Even if you don’t give a shit about the way the animals you eat are treated, Smithfield gets everything absolutely wrong in terms of their environmental and labor practices too. They are like the perfect storm of corporate horribleness, and that Paula Deen can blithely cash their endorsement checks without hesitation has diminished her in my eyes.

Anyway, Antonia knows that Paula’s presence is a giveaway that this will be a “fry me something, dip it in mayonnaise, roll it in butter kind of challenge.” And sure enough, Padma tells them to impress Paula Deen with their deep frying skills. “If yew kin eeat it, yew kin frah it,” Paula tells them (equal opportunity accent transcription, since she, like Fabio, plays hers up to the point of ridiculousness as part of her persona). The winner gets $5000, and they have 30 minutes.

Fried food flurry! Dale reflects that Paula Deen is “night and day from [his] flavor spectrum” since he works in a Chinese restaurant.” Ok…yes, but. Look at the wins you’ve had in this contest, Dale. Bodega. The potato chip/pretzel cookie. Grilled cheese and tomato soup. It seems like on your days off, Paula Deen is right in your wheelhouse. Antonia admits that she fries food “probably more than I should.” Mike is frying the “oyster” of the chicken, which he flatly admits was ”inspired by” a note Richard had in his notebooks.

This is where the whole “dickishness” thing starts to set in, as Mike first admits to using someone else’s recipe and then gets smugger and more combative about the fact that he did so.

Richard is making fried mayonnaise using liquid nitrogen to freeze the mayonnaise. I get the feeling that if you could see Paula Deen’s soul, it would be a ball of fried mayonnaise. Something goes awry with Carla’s fried fish. Tiffany is making fried chicken wings and pickles.

Mike gives us a lesson on how his completely stolen dish is the best one because everyone else has too much going on on their plates. “At the end of the day, less is more, simple is better,” he says snidely. You know what’s even better, you fat fuck? Coming up with your own ideas.

Time! Antonia appears to have forgotten to make a second portion of her dish, and only has one plate at her station. So Padma and Paula begin by sharing her Fried Avocado, Shrimp and Jalapeño, Grilled Corn, Tomato and Fried Herbs. Paula tells us she loves fried avocado, and it does sound like a HEAVENLY idea – can you imagine the batter giving way to the soft, pliable avocado and that flavor just melting all over your mouth?

Then we see Dale’s Fried Steak Wrapped Oyster with Egg Yolk Omelet, Parsley Tips and Chives. Moving on to Blais’s Fried Bacon with Fried Mayonnaise, Tomato and Cucumber, which Paula says is “after my heart.” I can only assume that she means that both in the sense that he is trying to appeal to her, and that he is literally launching an all-out assault on her cardiac health. But seriously, I would love to give that a shot. Then they move to Tiffany’s Fried Chicken and Pickles, Honey Mustard Sauce with Cilantro and Cumin Salad.

Carla’s Catfish with Dijon Mustard, Hushpuppies, Coleslaw with Mayo, Hot Sauce and Mint is next. Paula makes a face. Mike introduces “his” Fried Chicken Oysters with Mustard Gravy and Oyster Liquor. They’re served on oyster shells, which… it just underlines what a blatant theft this is. It’s a pure, playful, Blaisian plating – simple and beautiful and whimsical. None of those are words anyone would ever use to describe Greasy McCheatface or his food. We see a glare from Richard, who points out that Mike won’t even look at him because “he knows it’s plagiarism.” Mike then tells us snidely that he can see Richard thinks he stole his dish but “I’ve seen it done before” and “if he thinks it’s his dish, he shoulda done it. Right?”

Fuck you, you greasy fucking douchebag. I hope someone drowns you in a vat of hot lard. I hope someone torches your restaurant the night before its opening, and you lose everything. You have no imagination and even less integrity. Everything about you makes me physically ill. Commercial.

Back. Paula shares the bad news about her least favorites: Dale’s dish didn’t have any flavors that “really wowed” her and Carla’s “hushpuppies were lahk spitbawls, kinda.”

Her favorites were Antonia’s, which was “hands down the best,” but she didn’t follow the rules and make two plates, and therefore is disqualified. She thought Richard’s fried mayonnaise was out of this world. She loved the presentation of “Mike’s” dish, which makes Richard feel like “he’s competing against himself.”

Himself doesn’t get the $5000, though, fucking Mike does. “I feel great. I wanna give Richard a big fat thank you for the inspiration, for the picture, but it’s not your dish. It’s my dish, ‘cause I won the five Gs.”

Oh, fuck you, asshole. That’s like saying “yes, I know I took this money out of your bank account, but it’s not your cash, it’s my cash, because I’m the one who used it to buy this Porsche.” It’s a completely self serving and shit stupid line of illogic.

Padma says that John Besh will be joining them at the judges’ table for the elimination round, and he enters the room. Richard points out that this “kinda ups the ante a little bit,” presumably because they have more of a personal stake in cooking for one of the premiere restaurateurs in New Orleans than some woman who cackles while using a novelty egg separator on television.

Their challenge is to make Gulf Coast seafood for 300 people to serve at a fundraiser for the Greater New Orleans Foundation that John and Paula are hosting. And because there are so many diners to cook for, they get help.

It is, of course, some of the eliminated chefs, each with their own seafood. Antonia isn’t excited to see them because getting knocked out of this season would do your head in a bit. Richard agrees that it’s more important to pick a chef who’s “mentally fit” at this point than to be particular about which protein you have, and points out that Angelo, having just been offed the previous day, is not going to be in the best shape.

Mike chooses first, and picks Tiffani and her brown shrimp. He gives Richard the next pick for being “an inspiration in my dish today.” Ok, you know what, you stupid hack?, You might as well just fuck the man’s wife and give him six dollars. Eat a bag of dicks.
Richard picks Fabio and Snapper. Carla takes Tre and his Red Grouper. Tiffany picks white shrimp, which, sadly, come with a side order of Marcel. Antonia picks Spike and his crabs, and everyone giggles about Spike’s crabs because just like the rest of us, the Cheftestants are 12 in their hearts. Dale is left with Angelo and the amberjack, but says he feels good about it

The chefs will have $200 to spend at Restaurant Depot and $500 at Whole Foods. Tomorrow they have 2.5 hours to cook in the Top Chef kitchen, then 30 minutes to prep and cook before the guests arrive.

They have fifteen minutes to plan. Antonia and Spike are going with crab cakes. Mike is riding on Tiffani’s coattails since she lived in New Orleans for awhile – he lets her do all the planning for the dish. Angelo assures Dale that he’s gotten into Richard’s head with all his recent wins. Richard is doing a new dish, fish and grits, because he only does new recipes while he’s on Top Chef: “you’re not going to see me doing other people’s recipes, like Mike.” Dayuum.

Tiffany is being inspired by the food her grandmother made growing up. She’s not interested in Marcel’s ideas, and plans to just tell him what to do. Carla discovers that though she thought Tre was comfortable with Southern food, he’s a “city boy,” and didn’t eat that stuff growing up. She offers to give him to Tiffany, but Marcel drily says “I think she’s going to keep her white shrimp.” Hee. It’s funny because Marcel’s fish was white shrimp, and also because he’s white and tiny. Carla says she wants to check Tre’s NAACP card. Ok – I wanted to let this slide because he cooks in Texas so it’s natural to assume he’d know Southern food, but Carla’s rationale was apparently “all black folks know Southern food,” so I just can’t see a way that it’s not racist.

Shopping! 30 minutes at Restaurant Depot! Richard and Fabio wander through the aisles looking for hot sauce, and Richard tells us that Fabio has said they get along so well because Richard reminds him of his ex wife. Oooohkay.

Whole Foods! Dale sprints through the aisles. Carla says this dish is about redemption because she botched her fried fish during the quickfire, so she’s making it again. Mike and Tiffani drink beers, which apparently they let you do in New York Whole Foods.

Back to the All Stars Apartment. Carla and Antonia rehash their mistakes, and Mike thanks Antonia for the 5 grand he won by default. Antonia interviews that everything about Mike’s win – getting it by default and with someone else’s dish – is “bad chef etiquette.” Then Mike gets pissy because Richard doesn’t want to talk to him. “Grow up already. If you’re gonna win, be a fuckin’ winner. If you’re gonna lose go in the fuckin’ corner” he says with his usual degree of class and eloquence.

Antonia fills the other ladies in about Mike’s cheating ways, and they react melodramatically to this serious violation of “chef law.” Commercial.

Back. The chefs and their sous/eliminees hit the kitchen with two and a half hours to prep. Food flurry. Dale has a problem with having so many people in the kitchen – he’d like it just to be the 6 remaining contestants not the ones who were put out and “showed up like bed bugs.” Antonia pours two bottles of Makers into her pan. Yum. Carla doesn’t trust Tre with her collard greens.

Tiffani is doing all of Mike’s work, so he spends all his time heckling the other chefs, and slapping Angelo on the ass, causing him to drop something. I want to shoot him in the face. Marcel keeps giving Tiffany the same piece of advice over and over, but she finally shuts him down. Dale trusts Tiffany to keep Marcel in check because she’s “5’10”, Southern, black woman with some serious [snapping motion].”

The clock is running down and people are throwing things together. “This kitchen is like a war zone,” Dale tells us as clouds of nitrogen billow everywhere. Mike knocks things over. Time!

They all head out to the venue for their 30 minutes of prep. Dale says that this is the hardest challenge he’s had to go through, and he should’ve gotten more work done in the Top Chef Kitchen. Blais is nervous about whether the judges will understand what he’s doing with his dish. Carla ditches her cornbread because it didn’t work. “Redemption is slipping away. Far, far away. Bye redemption.”

The diners begin entering and hitting the food stations. The chefs are just turning and turning, 20 plates at a time.

The judges enter and John Besh stops on his way through the door to hug JONATHAN WAXMAN!!!!! Eeeeee! I LOVE Jonathan Waxman. But you all knew that already, having heard me squee about it for the better portion of two seasons of Top Chef Masters.
Besh tells Tom about the charity so that they get their full quota of mentions in on camera, and then the judges head off to the tables. They begin with “Mike’s” Grit-Crusted Gulf Shrimp, Sour Cream and Chive Potatoes with Pork and Lobster Sauce that Tiffani came up with and made pretty much in its entirety. Besh says that “Mike” hit the nail on the head, and Tom praises the clean flavors.

Diners and judges find themselves waiting at the Richard/Fabio station while they fight about their Crispy Gulf Snapper with Pulled Pork and Citrus Grits. Once they get the plates, Besh says he questioned how the dish would work, but “it kind of works.” Padma says it’s still pretty light.

AAAAH Carmen Garcia and David Burke are at a table with Johanthan Waxman!!!! Why can’t we spend more time with this table and less with Pauler’s cackling and John Besh’s bland anchormanstyle handsomeness?

Things go wrong at Dale’s station and he has to stop the line. Angelo tries to reassure him that things are fine. “it’s like slo-mo. You see yourself fucking up and you can’t do anything about it.” And then Marcel has to make additional Honey Glaze that Tiffany doesn’t have time to taste before it goes out. Carla is still fretting about the expectations.

Carla serves the judges her Fried Grouper with Collard Greens and Chow-Chow Pico. Paula doesn’t care for the collard greens, and Tom thinks there’s too much hot sauce on the fish. Carla hopes that somebody messes up more than she does.

Tiffany serves her Honey Glazed Shrimp, Grits with Jalapeño and Cheese, Shellfish Sauce. Pauler makes a HI-larious joke about sucking the head that everyone in the world finds charming and folksy, except me. Besh likes the glaze, but you don’t taste the shrimp. Tom hates the glaze, and thinks the shrimp is over cooked.

Dale haltingly explains his Amberjack Stew with Andouille Sausage and Potatoes, Creole Mustard Crouton. He worries that the potatoes aren’t cooked all the way, and Padma verifies that. Tom says there’s “way too much mustard on the crouton,” but Paula says the stew isn’t bad.

They wrap things up with Antonia’s Blue Crab Cake, Corn, Jalapeño and Andouille Relish with Crab Broth. Besh raves about how delicate the crab is, and Tom thinks she did a great job.

The judges recap the fact that they were “really impressed with a few and really underwhelmed with a couple of them.”

The diners drop a few bucks in the donation box, and the chefs all hug their sous while Mike yammers about it being his time to shine and how he went home “way too early” in his season. Oh fuck you, asshole. If anything, you’ve been kept around long past your expiry in both seasons. Carla is upset about how things went wrong. Commercial.

Fakeback! Antonia sends Spike to spy on the diners to see what the judges are saying. Spike, instead, flirts with some ladies and knocks over wine. “Spike is an amazing sous chef; really bad spy” Antonia tells us. That was cute. That was one of the few times I’ve ever found the fakeback worthwhile.

Back. Stew room. Carla and Tiffani mope about how they could go home on a Southern food challenge. Padma calls back Antonia, Richard, and Mike.

They obviously had the favorite dishes of the night. Richard says that the other side of the gulf – Georgia and Florida – was his inspiration. Besh praises the unexpectedness of the dish.

Mike then says a bunch of things about his dish that come across as disjointed and like he doesn’t know much about the idea behind the dish or how it was made. Tom gets a bemused look on his face, and you have to think the extent to which Mike must’ve relied on Tiffani is crossing his mind. Paula loved it, though.

Besh thought that Antonia’s dish exhibited a lot of balance, and Tom says that the smoke and spice was really special.

Besh and Paula announce that the winner is…Richard! Yay!! He’s thrilled to be recognized by “two amazing southern chefs,” and then in a RIDONKULOUSLY CHOPPY audio edit says “sorry. Mike. Ee. This one’s. Mine.”

Anyway he gets blah blah blah Hilton and blah blah blah Barbados. He says he’s going to invite Fabio to go with him and his family. Aw. Most annoying family vacation EVER. The daughter that’s old enough to remember it will probably end up in therapy because of her recurring nightmares about being hauled around the beach by an incoherent Italian.

And now Blais has to send back the other three for the bottom, and the three top places settle into the stew room to wait. Antonia requests that Mike not burp on her, fart on her, or flick a booger at her if he’s going to sit there. He says he’ll think about it, then burps on her. What a fucking charmer. Someone should skin him alive with a rusty carrot peeler.

The judges begin with the bottom three. “Tiffany, when you picked Marcel…” Padma begins. “I picked the shrimp,” Tiffany replies. Tom chuckles, then Tiffany acknowledges that Marcel helped a lot and cooked the shrimp. Besh says the shrimp was mealy, and she takes responsibility because it was her dish.

Tom brings up Dale’s raw potatoes. Tom says they should’ve made the judges wait if the dish wasn’t ready. Then they bring up the mustardy crouton, with Besh saying the dish was like “Flavor warfare” and says the one thing they didn’t taste was the amberjack.

Carla brings up the expectations again, and Tom says she drowned the flavor of the fish with the mustard and hot sauce. Paula says didn’t make sense because none of the flavors complimented the other.

In the stew room, Richard tells them that Marcel was talking shit about Tiffany and saying he had better ideas. The bottom chefs enter. Tiffany explains that Marcel also didn’t dilute the honey sauce for the shrimp. So really, now Marcel’s responsible for everything that went wrong.

The judges begin their deliberation with Dale. “Ah lahk mah potatoes dun,” Paula says, and Tom says that between the mustard and the andouille, all he tasted was hot dog.

On the other hand, Carla turned her beautiful fish into “chicken fingers.” Tiffany’s dish threw Paula one way and the other, and Tom says it didn’t work at all. Commercial

Back. Tom reminds them that they were supposed to honor the fish while raising money for the greater New Orleans foundation, and none of them honored the fish – they all covered it up with spices and crap. Struts With Big Cleaver is on the warpath again against the chefs who have not learned that only when the last fish has been caught will they find that money cannot be eaten.

Padma tells…Dale to pack his knives and go.


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

In the interview clips, Dale cries a bit rather than starting his interview right away, then he says it sucks to be so close.

They go back to the stew room, where the other chefs react in shock again. Dale is proud of how he went through this thing, and says that “the first time I was here, I didn’t like me very much so I took it out on other people. Hopefully people will see that I’ve grown up. I think this time around, I’m in a really good place. I know I’m leaving a better person, I know I’m leaving a better chef. It’s an experience. There’s no way I can’t handle anything. Opening a restaurant? Let’s do it. I feel like Superman.”

Next: Padma! Boat horns! Ellis Island! Family! Crying! If I go home today, I will be utterly heartbroken. And then the DVR cuts out.