Top Chef All Stars: The Salt Monster At The End Of This Post

Cookie Monster is good
But the salt monster is bad
He ate Angelo.

So let’s get the inevitable out of the way: O MI GOD, I CAN’T BELIEVE DALE WUN 4 SOOP!!!!!! UNFARE!!!!!! RICHURD AN ANTONIO’S DISHES WUR SO MUCH MORE COMPLICATED!!!! AN HOW COME ANGELO IS OUT FOR SALT THIS WEEK BUT DALE STAYED LAST WEEK! UNFARE TO FABIO! JUDGES ARE STOOPID!!!!!!!!!!

Sigh. Yes, but.

1. To the latter point – well, crap. Tom has deleted the tweet from last night where he said that Dale’s dish last week was edible even though it was too salty, but Angelo’s was oversalted to the point of being inedible. Hopefully he'll make the same point in his blog when it's up. And shut up, Fabio fangurls. You are throwing away the last gentle scraps of your dignity for a gross, gross man.

2. To the former point – I had a moment of thinking this myself after they announced the winner. Richard cooked his protein two ways; Antonia precision cooked eggs. Both of their dishes were inarguably more complicated to make under the circumstances than Dale’s tomato soup and ribeye grilled cheese.

But. . .

The competition is not “who can make the most complicated dish in this challenge.” It’s “who can make the BEST dish in this challenge.” The judges thought Dale made the best dish.

And for those of you still carping: please, look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn’t rather eat a GREAT grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup than a GOOD arepe or egg? Do you really go to a restaurant and say “this looks like the most complicated dish on the menu” and order that? Or do you order the best item?

Besides, he made grilled cheese with irons. Now, I love that for reasons we’ll get to in the challenge (80’s teen lit related reasons), but it also shows a level of innovation that really embraces the spirit of the challenge.

So for all that, and because – as we’ve discussed before – I like Dale more with every episode. And this week was full of new reasons why, including this:

You see that? You see how he apologized for something he said instead of going on for weeks about HEY MAYBE ANTONIO MAKE SOME GOOD FRENCH MUSSELS THIS CHALLENGE or MAYBE YOU ALL LOVE ANGELA’S CAMELTOE WITH HIS AVOCADO IN HIS PANTS HAHAHAHAH LOL!!!! FABI IS SO FUNNY, AREN'T I???? for weeks and weeks and weeks?

That is an adult, ladies and gentlemen. That’s a person worth rooting for. Not your hyperactive greaseball.

(I unfollowed Fabio’s tweets last night, and immediately felt like a healthier person. I felt that way for 50 minutes, until the preview for next week’s episode).

As for Angelo…as much as he and his Russian mail order fiancée and his fetishization of “Asian” culture creeped me out, I was never as anti-Angelo as some people during his season. But he was kind of a non-entity during All Stars – both because he’s clearly burnt out from back-to-back sesons and because he just got overshadowed by the stronger personalities.

So I’m of mixed emotions about him being gone. I'll miss him because with the back-to-back seasons, it seems like we've been hanging out together for months now. Really I’m going to decide to be pleased, though because it will upset all the bullshit rankings you all showed me where he’s at the top of a bunch of lists for no logical reason whatsoever.

But more on that later. Let’s start the show.

We open in the stew room with Mike and Richard talking about what a great friend Fabio is. Richard says Fabio should’ve taken the time to consult with him, since he runs a burger restaurant. Carla says it’s “amazing” to be one of the last three women standing.

We then cut to the Top Chef Bar. Oh, good, it’s like super mega opening where we get both variations of the usual opener at once. Anyway, Dale appears to be the only one drinking an actual drink. Everyone else has the paper cups of coffee again. Dale and Richard toast to season 4 “representing,” and agree to be allies until it’s down to just the two of them. Suddenly I feel like I’ve turned into the wrong channel altogether, and am accidentally watching Survivor. Dale wants "the championship belt around my waist. I’m not like these new school parents who are like ‘we’re all winners.’ Fuck that. That’s buuuuulllshit, man. Who the fuck said losing is ok? Like, in what country is that cool?”

At this point, I pause the TV and stand up to give Dale a rousing round of applause, because in addition to liking him more each week, I feel like I’ve found an ally in the war against our participation trophy culture. Fuck “we’re all winners” indeed. If everyone’s a winner, why the fuck are you playing? Because you enjoy it? That’s great. Get a little better at it. Win once in awhile. I guarantee you’ll enjoy it ten times more.

Credits.

The episode proper starts with the cheftestants entering the Top Chef kitchen, where Padma is wearing a floral dress and tells them ‘we’re on our way. Everything’s A-Ok.” Dale thinks she’s speaking in tongues. I would guess a bag of weed laced with some hard shit is a more likely option. And then she says “can you tell me. . .how to get to. . .” and after a lengthy pause, Telly Monster, Cookie Monster, and Elmo pop up from behind the table and yell “SESAME STREET!”

Let me get something out of the way here: I am fully and thoroughly part of generation Street. I was raised watching the show, often on the shitty little black-and-white set in my father’s study. I grew up going to Sesame Street Live! whenever it pulled into Veteran’s Memorial Coliseum. I regularly begged for The Monster at the End of this Book! as my bedtime story (spoiler alert: that monster is me! And you were so scared…). I can still sing about half the songs, do a creditable reenactment of the abierto/cerrado sketch, and call up a good Monsterpiece Theatre reference when the occasion calls. Mr. Hooper’s death is one of my earliest defining cultural memories, ranking right up there with the 1982 World Series and the 1980 Presidential debates.

I FUCKING HATE ELMO.

That stupid red piece of shit has been ruining everything since he made Maria and Luis’s wedding all about him by screeching “don’t drop the rings, Elmo!” after every single verse. He has eaten the fucking show. It’s no longer a dynamic ensemble cast; it’s now the Elmo show. And he is making your children stupid. He can’t put a sentence together to save his life. The “Elmo’s World” segments of the show take up the last FIFTEEN MINUTES of the program (and it’s not as though that’s the only time per episode that he’s on), and is so full of half truths and nonsense that your child’s lifetime earning potential probably drops by 3% every time he or she watches. And his voice makes me want to drive knives into my ears.

Anyway. Telly, Cookie, and He Who Must Not Be Named are there to judge the Quickfire in which the cheftestants must make their version of the best. . .

. . .can you guess?

Do you think you know what the monsters might want to eat?

Cookie Monster fills us in: “COOOOOKIEEEEE!!!! COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE!!” They have 45 minutes. Elmo wants zucchini or carrots in his. Cookie says “just make it yummy. Maybe chocolate chip cookies.” The winner gets $5000. “Wow. That buy lots of cookies,” Cookie tells us.

(See why the classic Muppets are better? Elmo is too fucking stupid to have figured out for himself that you can exchange money for goods and services, and use $5000 to buy lots of cookies. He’d probably have to ask his stupid fucking goldfish for help with that one)

COOKIE FLURRY!!!! Why do we get a lingering close up of the Swanson’s chicken stock? Gross. There’s no chicken stock in cookies people. Tiffany weighs butter. She’s planning a shortbread cookie with lemon zest. Richard tells us he doesn’t fear pastry like a lot of chefs do. He’s making the zucchini cookie Elmo asked for. Fucking Elmo. But I will say that Blais is one of those people who is MADE to interact with Muppets. He's so perfect at it, and he looks right for the job. He should have a permanent cooking segment on Sesame Street -- he can open a restaurant in Hooper's old storefront.

This is apparently the first cookie Angelo’s made. Ever? Seriously? Dale says it’s incredible that someone who eats as many cookies as Mike does would be so uncomfortable making them. Burn.

Dale puts potato chips in the cookies. Damn straight, Dale. When I was in grade school, there was this kid whose mom used to make Chocolate Chip-Chip Cookies – which were, if you didn’t catch on, chocolate chip cookies with crumbled potato chips in them. That kid is now an insane Tea Party acolyte who drives a city bus, but I don’t think we can blame the cookies for that. They were delicious. Antonia thinks Dale’s cheating because he’s not making cookies. Mike wonders if there will ever be a challenge where Richard doesn’t use liquid nitrogen. Cookie Monster eats the tablecloth. 5 minutes. Antonia’s cookies are huge. One minute. Cookie can’t take it. Time! Tasting! Commercial!

BACK. They open with Antonia’s Double Chocolate Cookie with White Chocolate Chips, Fresh Caramel Glaze, and Sprinkles. “Elmo can definitely taste the white chocolate, Elmo says. Cookie likes the texture of Carla’s Chocolate Chip Cookie with Cinnamon. “I thought it was cardamom,” Telly says. “Very close,” Padma tells him since Cardamom and Cinnamon are from the same part of the world.

You see, America? You see how much smarter the original Muppets are than that hyperactive freak you’ve sold your children to? You think Elmo knows fuck all about Cardamom?

They move on to Dale’s Pretzel and Potato Chip Shortbread Cookie with Salted Caramel Chocolate Ganache. My reaction to this is an instant NOMNOMNOM. I am such a sucker for salty/sweet, and those cookies sound epic to me. Richard gets Elmo to say “Hello Riley. Elmo loves you” for his daughter before presenting his Ice Cream Cookie with Chocolate Chips, Zucchini, and Mint. “Technically is that cookie?” Cookie demands.

Once again, Cookie show he smarter than Elmo. Cookie know value of $5000 for purchase of cookies, and definition of what cookie should be. Elmo only know driving everyone fucking crazy.

Mike has an Almond and Dried Cherry Cookie with Rose Petal Sugar. “Like Party in me mouth,” Cookie says. Tiffany presents her Shortbread Cookie with Lemon Zest, Rosemary, Thyme, and Coconut Milk. “How much Thyme?” Elmo asks. “45 minutes, Telly reminds him.”

We wrap things up with Angelo’s Chocolate Chip, Belgian Hazelnut Cookie with a Chocolate Banana Milkshake.

The esteemed judging panel runs through the least successful cookies. Cookie had an issue with Richard’s being “not quite cookie.” Richard bows to his expertise. Cookie also thought Angelo’s was a little dry.

On top were Dale because “we love the sweet and salty mix,” and Antonia since “they only cookie around here that chewy gooey,” Cookie says, but Elmo loudly insists that they look like cow chips. “COW CHIPS!” he screams. Fucking Elmo. And the winner is. . .Dale! Yay!!!! He says winning this is one of his top 3 Top Chef experiences ever, and he gets $5000.

The monsters leave. Padma says now that they’ve unleashed their inner child, they’ll be turned loose like kids in a candy store. They’ll be playing for. . .

Twenty.

Five

Thousand.

Dollars.

But first they have to go to Target. They have 3 hours to raid the store in the middle of the night, and find anything they need to make a delicious dish for 100 Target employees. And then there’s a lot of blah blah blah about how everything they need is at Target – produce, knives, everything.

The chefs head off to Target in the middle of the night. They enter the empty store (which is totally a lie – I know enough people who’ve worked for Target to know that their rule about resetting the store from zero every morning means that there’s always so much recovery to do that the stores are literally never empty. Someone is always, always there cleaning) and run through the aisles, racing around like nut jobs grabbing appliances and ingredients and. . .underwear? did someone just grab a three pack of drawers? What’s up with this?

Dale talks about how Tiffany has made it this far without a single win, and “she’s a little goofy and a little loud.” Then he remembers playing Hockey with a tuna can and brooms when he worked in a grocery store, and grabs a bunch of. . irons. To iron his drawers, I can only imagine. Antonia is grabbing all of the equipment she could possibly need before checking out the food. Angelo and Mike work together to grab their ingredients.

Then they begin setting up stations using folding tables and garbage cans. Tiffany has also grabbed herself a jaunty cap. Mike discusses the problem of working with smaller, low powered appliances, and also running amok about the floor when he’s out of shape. Carla gets hung up on her inability to find linens, and almost forgets to buy food. Commercial.

Back. Carla is still shopping. Everyone else is cooking. Richard is making a corn pancake with seared pork tenderloin and braised pork ribs. Nom.
Mike can’t find salt or a peeler. Angelo finds it for him. Antonia is making an egg dish, and is worried about her cooking implements. Tiffany is making a jambalaya take off. Carla is still wandering amongst the dishes, unable to find linens.

Finally, we see her grabbing some limes. She will feed them limes. And the thing is, she’ll probably call them homestyle limes, and she'll slice them with love, and they’ll probably be delicious, and she’ll probably win.

Dale says that this challenge reminds him of his college days “when I was broke and drunk” and he’d make grilled cheese sandwiches with his iron and tomato soup in his rice cooker. Hm, it reminds me of Paula Danziger’s classic YA novel The Divorce Express where Rosie shows Phoebe how to make grilled cheese sandwiches by wrapping them in foil and ironing them. Dale apparently read some of the same YA Chick Lit that I did.

Carla finally gets her table set up and starts cooking but she is now wondering if she has time to run back and grab a protein. She’s trying to make soup, and has less than an hour. Mike wants to know why Angelo didn’t grab him a can opener. Angelo wants to know if he should cook for Mike too since apparently he has to do everything else for Mike.

Mike is making coconut broth; Angelo is making potato soup. A lot of soups in this crowd. Mike thinks something’s missing from Angelo’s soup. Angelo adds bacon and salt. Antonia thinks everyone’s “frickin ridiculous” for making soup with $25,000 on the line.

Thomas O’Brien, an Interior designer from Target comes around and decorates an eating area for them. Hm. Angelo thinks he’s oversalted his baked potato soup. Mike runs off to try and find ladles. Dale irons some more sandwiches. I like a nice crease in my sandwiches myself.

Time! A bunch of Target employees in red and khaki enter. “If you guys don’t like it, Mikey over there made it,” Angelo tells them as he ladles up some soup for them..

The judges enter. It’s Padma, Bourdain, and Tom with Ken Jeong! No, just kidding. It’s Ming Tsai, but he still kind of looks like Ken Jeong to me, and the idea that he might bite the contestants’ faces off with his knowledge is really appealing. Ya bit, Mikey. Ya bit.

Bourdain tells us that he has to go right from this to a parent teacher conference. Thomas O’Brien is also there as a special guest.

The cheftestants bring their food over to the judges one at a time. First, Richard presents his Pork Tenderloin with Green Chilies, Apples, Braised Pork Ribs, and Corn Pancakes. Nom. Bourdain thinks it was “butt ugly” but delicious. A Target employee likes the flavor.

Next up is Dale’s Ribeye Grilled Cheese Sandwich with Spicy Tomato Soup. Nom. Ming Tsai thinks using the iron was brilliant. Bourdain says that like Dale’s other dishes, it’s great “late night stoner food” and wants to know if they’ve given Dale a urine test. “Maybe he’s trying to become an Iron Chef,” Ming Tsai says. The other judges groan at his pun, but all I want to say is “oh, you mean like you did, Ming Tsai? When you were a contestant on The Next Iron Chef? And how’d that work out for you?

Carla is nervous about her Curry Apple Soup with Tomato Ginger Jam, and Cucumber Apple Slaw because the flavors haven’t developed. Ming finds it “two dimensional” and Padma says it’s like a sauce that’s missing its protein.

Antonia presents her Parmesan Cream Eggs with Almonds, Tomato, Apple and a Garlic Crustini. (I don’t know if “crustini” is another Bravo intern error or a playful way of saying it’s a crostini made of crusts) Bourdain says it’s a “ballsy offering” to precision cook eggs for 100 people, and O’Brien likes the sweetness as a “breakfast surprise.”

Mike Presents his Spicy Coconut Soup with Mushrooms, Scallions, and Lime saying it has “fresh coconut milk.” “You found fresh coconuts here?” Padma asks incredulously. “No, I found coconut milk,” Mike admits. “Then it’s NOT fresh coconut milk,” she chides him laconically. Somehow she manages to sound both really ticked off and like she couldn’t care less. She stops eating after a teaspoon, but Ming says it’s satisfying for him to find something that spicy late night.

Tiffany presents her Jambalaya with Chicken, Sausage, and Shrimp with a Summer Salad. Bourdain’s not crazy about it because the chicken is soggy. Tom says it’s ok, and O’Brien says there’s something “not special about it.”

Finally we get Angelo’s Baked Potato Soup with Bacon, Onions, Sour Cream, Potato Skins, Scallions, and Grated Cheddar Cheese. “You do not need to pass the salt,” Ming says. “Too heavy and waaay too salty,” Bourdain concurs.

Tom thinks some of them did really well while others messed up a little bit. Bourdain is souped out from all the soups. They start off on their long drive back to judges’ table. Tiffany is particularly nervous about this challenge because she’s the only person who hasn’t won anything. Commercial.

Back. “That was a hard challenge,” Carla yawns, and Richard calls it “straight up guerilla style.” Carla is so tired she can’t “feel” whether she’s top, bottom, or middle.

Padma quickly ends the suspense on that one by calling back Dale, Antonia, and Richard. They had the top dishes of the evening. Ming says Richard was the only one to do a protein 2 different ways. Bourdain (like me) is “always happy to see runny eggs, particularly at 3 o’clock in the morning.”

Seriously, folks, there is nothing better than a runny egg (she said, dredging her toast through the yolk remnants smeared across her plate). If you’re one of those people denying yourself the joys of soft eggs – whether they be boiled, barely poached, or a nice fry where you can break the runny yolk and let it ooze all over the firm white – for fear of bacteria or whatever, I have two pieces of advice for you: 1) buy eggs you can trust the quality of (why are you buying eggs you can only use a certain number of ways? That’s like buying a car that can only drive due East), and 2) get the hell over it.

Tom wraps up the feedback portion of events by saying that Dale’s sandwich was hot and crispy and the soup was delicious. Bourdain credits him with having a great combination of “goofy and devious.”

Ming announces that the winner is. . .Dale! YAY!!!!! “Boom. That’s rent for a year,” he says. He’s pleased to have pulled it off “over a grilled cheese sandwich and soup. And an iron. That’s what’s up.”

The chefs clap with amazement as Dale comes back. Until he calls in Carla, Tiffany, and Angelo.

Padma asks Carla about her soup. She “hits the nail on the head” with her listing of the problems, according to Tom. Bourdain adds that it’s “desperately in need of protein.” Ming adds that it would’ve been a great sauce for a protein.

They all weigh in on Angelo’s soup being “way too salty” and Padma adds that it was very rich. Bourdain says it was “way too heavy on the scallions” and “left a bad taste in the mouth.”

Bourdain says that Tiffany’s use of the dried spice mix is what got her in trouble. They then weigh in on the problems of spice mixes. The whole thing is like a giant, beautiful “fuck you” to Sandra Lee.

Padma asks if the chefs have any final words before the judges make a decision. Tiffany has words. “I’m from Beaumont Texas. It’s a REAL small city.” And then she cries and babbles about how whatever the decision they make, it’s been an honor to work with the other chefs. Padma sneers at her tears, and sends them back to the stew room.

“Beaumont cried again,” Carla says derisively as they walk back into the stew room. HA. I’m both impressed by Carla’s steely tone when she says this, and kind of bummed that we haven’t seen more of the “Beaumont cried” trope in action. Angelo thinks he’s going home for the salt, which he clearly blames Mike for. He is. . . not wrong.

Bourdain thought Carla’s soup was “weak” and it reminded him of the watered down sauce you get in tea sauce in India. He also can’t get past the prepared seasonings in Tiffany’s jambalaya. But Angelo’s was inedible – they couldn’t eat more than a bite of it. But then Tom adds “this could easily be fixed. He just lost focus.” So you go into commercial wondering if they think that Angelo’s fixable error is a smaller flaw, ultimately, than someone else’s unfixable one. Commercial.

Back. Tom acknowledges that this was a difficult challenge which quickly turned into a real test of will. Carla’s dish never developed. Tiffany’s dish was incomplete. Angelo had way too much salt.

Padma tells. . .Angelo to pack his knives and go. “Oh mah gawsh,” Tiffany says. Angelo says he made a critical error, and that he’s “mentally fried” from making almost 40 dishes “back to back” between the two seasons.

He goes back and tells them he’s leaving. “What?” says Mike “Are you serious?” says Antonia. “YOU?” Mike asks again.

Angelo says the other chefs have pushed him to get to know himself even more. He says it’s been hard being away from his son for so long.

Next time: Paula Deen! The ousted chefs are back…including motherfucking Fabio and dbag Marcel. Redemption is slipping away. Far, far away. Bye, redemption.