Top Chef All Stars: A Boring Episode Made Worse By My Jet Lag

Goodbye, Tiffany.
Near invisible woman

You think of the last five syllables, bobbleheads. I’m too tired. Ooh, here's a thought: leave your last line in the comments by Monday, 6 a.m. I'll put up the submissions in a post; we'll vote on a winner, and they'll get a fabulous prize.

I will also accept suggestions for fabulous prizes -- my only ideas are 1) writing a post on a topic of their choice (within reason: nothing that will cost me my day job or embarrass my mother); and 2) baking them something. I'm quite tired.

So let’s shoot the elephant in the room before he steps on things and crushes them: when last you saw your fearless recapper (that would be me), she blithely said something about the next week’s recap being a few days late because she would be out of town. And then you heard nothing from her for two weeks, and she never said anything about Carla’s ouster, and there was never a recap of the first part of Top Chef’s apparently seventy five million part All Star season finale.

Unbeknownst to you, four days after writing that the next week’s recap would be late, said recapper hopped an Air France flight at Washington, Dulles, and then a second, smaller Air France flight at Paris, Charles de Gaulle, and found herself on the ground at Naples, Cappodichino, and embarked on her own six day version of the Eat, Pray, Love experience.

Except that in her case, it was more like the Eat, Eat, Eat experience – pastas, gelatos, pizzas, braschiole, sausages, fried things from street stands, desserts with which she had some sort of primal, ecstatic relationship, zabaglione every morning for breakfast cappuccinos, glasses and glasses of blood orange juice, pastries, beers, wine, wine, wine.

And steamed mussels, which, by the way, were on every menu everywhere, Fabio, you giant douche.

And in the midst of all that, she somehow lost three pounds, so pray on that, Elizabeth Gilbert / Julia Roberts and your stupid “no carb left behind” jokes and musical montages about needing new jeans.

Anyway. She got back late Monday night and was in no mood to watch Top Chef. And that persisted throughout the Tuesday she’d taken off to get over jet lag and get groceries and get at least partly caught up on her DVR. She told herself that she’d watch it after work on Wednesday and at least write up something cursory, but then she decided to go to dinner with a friend instead.

And part of it’s laziness and part of it’s jet lag, but part of it’s just that to some degree – not entirely, but to a point – all of the eating and drinking and tromping around on cobblestones and through archaeological digs and learning to make limoncello from a little old man in his 70s who teaches you the correct pronunciation of the town your great-great-grandparents were from (which shouldn’t have been hard)…anyway, it’s done some sort of damage to my cynicism, and I’m not entirely ready to let that go yet.

Especially not to see Hosea Rosenherp’s pale mankletoothed skull polluting my television.

So maybe I’ll watch last week’s episode all the way through at some point, but in terms of recapping, just consider it The Lost Episode. I’m sorry Carla’s gone, and regret that the one week of any show I've not been able to bring myself to recap happened on the week she got cut, because she’s a good egg and a good chef and that’s not always the easiest combination to stagger across.

I promise, I’ll write you posts about my attempts to make my own limoncello the way the man at Limone taught me to and replicate the croccante all’amarena gelato I had at Fantasia Gelati to make up for it.

(This is where my outline says I’m supposed to share my thoughts on last night’s episode, but as you may’ve guessed from the half assed limmericking, I don’t really have too many. Tiffany, whose qualifications for “All Star” status always puzzled me a bit – if we’re doing a fan favorites season, definitely, but All Star? – was such a nonentity in this season, and was so consistently spared by the Someone Sucked Worse clause that propelled her toward the finale that it’s tough to muster anything about her departure beyond 1) Goodbye, Tiffany. You too seemed like both a good egg and a good chef; and 2) thank god we’re one chef and one week closer to this interminable mess ending.

And on the rest of the episode – zabagliones, I am still so jet lagged that I literally fell asleep at least once during it. I say at least once because I KNOW I fell asleep during the commercial break after the lunch segment, and woke up at 10:54, right as they were about to announce the top and bottom, and had to rewind and watch the deliberation over again. But my notes were also about a page shorter than they normally are, so either this was a colossal dud of an episode or I blacked out at an earlier point as well. You’ll have to tell me which is true)

We open in the Bahamian Stew room after Carla’s exit, with everyone talking about missing her. Antonia worries that she’s second guessing everything she’s doing and not finding her groove. Mike I feels like he’s on a roll after that last episode.

Credits! Short version, where we just hear about the prizes and don’t see the exiled cheftestants.

The next morning, we find ourselves in their hotel room, with Blais wearing a ridiculous hat, and Mike I ridiculously not wearing a shirt. Gross. They head out to see what their challenge will be, with Richard guessing that it will involve “cooking, with not enough time and not enough equipment.”

Richard Blais should write recaps of this show – that’s the most perfect encapsulation of the entire premise that I’ve ever heard.

In the Atlantis kitchen, they meet Padma and Lorena Garcia – Lorena is one of the hosts of America’s Next Great Restaurant, which I quite enjoyed the first episode of, but haven’t yet caught up on the second -- and stacks of plates and aprons. Padma tells them that the quickfire is about consistency and precision. They’ll divide into pairs and make 100 identical dishes in an hour. The winning team gets $5000.

They start in boy/boy girl/girl pairs, with Antonia talking about how she would’ve picked Tiffany even if the boys hadn’t gone for each other, and Mike talking about how he and Richard are the favorites. Richard thinks their dish is way more complicated than the girls’. Antonia thinks their plating is much more sophisticated than the guys’. Time!

Padma and Lorena each pick two numbers at random and get the dishes with those numbers while the others go to the diners. The boys present their Pork Bolognese with Fresh Macaroni. Lorena compliments the consistency of the pasta.

Moving to the girls’ salad of Beef Tenderloin, Creamy Lentils, Celery, and Almond, Padma says they had good plating, and Lorena says it was a challenge to do four components. Mike says he could’ve done their dish himself while sending Richard to the store for a six pack to celebrate the win.

Anyway, Lorena announces that the winning team is. . .the ladies’ team! Antonia says it feels fantastic and that Mike and Blais are “sour grapes salty losers.” Tiffany calls it an “in your face kind of moment” and hopes that a woman can win Top Chef All Stars.

Commercial.

Back! Padma tells them that for their elimination challenge, they’ll be making a “deserted island” lunch for the president of the Commodore Yacht club. And they have to make conch. Mike is glad that he practiced working with conch before coming out since he knew it was one of the signature dishes in the Bahamas.

The next day, they get ready. Richard makes his hair super tall -- I feel like this is his battle intimidation tactic, like when warriors of yore used to paint their faces. They all say pep up things about how they’re ready and they’re going to win and blah blah blah conch.

Padma greets them in a bikini with some sort of old stoner who’s going to drive their boat. Their time starts as soon as their feet hit the beach.


So they head out on the yacht. Richard has also practiced with conch. They see smoke coming up from the island, and hit the water with 3.5 hours. They break into a bunch of crates to find gorgeous produce, some lobsters, snapper grouper. . .but in the box marked conch, they find only masks and snorkels. They have to go and get their own conch out of the ocean. This is an awesome premise with a terrible downside, as it means we’re subjected to another scene of shirtless Mike.

Even as a strong swimmer, Antonia is challenged to get the conch and get them in the bag. Tiffany plans to get at least ten so she doesn’t have to come back. Richard, who swims like I do – really just “not drowning” rather than swimming with any sort of technique – flails about trying to grab conch. Mike lumbers shirtlessly out onto the beach.

The chefs head back up to the beach and start working on their dishes, with no electricity, no gadgets and, worst of all for Richard, no liquid nitrogen. Antonia worries about the inevitability of getting sand in their food. They start breaking their conch open with little pickaxes. Mike boils his first and then pulls out the cooked meat more easily. Tiffany can’t get any meat out of hers.


Commercial.

Back! Tiffany finally gets her conch out. Richard washes down his station. Antonia feels like she likes her dish. Tiffany is pushing herself. Richard is exhausted and dehydrated and feels like he’s 70 years old. Mike is going to use the seaweed from the beach in his dish.

There’s a lot of food flurry and a lot of bitching about maintaining the heat on the wood burning grill and Richard stressing himself out about how he lost in the second season and giving himself a speech that is something like Chris Farley’s “stupid stupid stupid!” and half … something else. I was going to make a joke about Richard having a “Tiger Mom” here, but it’s just not coming out naturally. Jet Lag, people. It’s serious shit.

The judges and yacht club members stroll up, all dressed in white. Also, all ACTUALLY white, which says something unsettling about the makeup of this yacht club as compared to the actual ethnic makeup of the Bahamas as a whole. There’s a lot of desultory talk about yachts and regulations and then Richard and his self doubt come out to serve Sweet Potato Linguine with Conch and Spiny Lobster to the diners. The commodore of the yacht club likes it and Tom is impressed that he made the pasta on the beach. Someone else points out that it’s just very cleverly sliced and cooked sweet potato, which, if you can actually make it taste like pasta is even more impressive in my book.

A storm starts to approach their outdoor cooking area. Antonia serves next, and presents her Red Snapper with Tartar of Conch and Lobster Nage to the judges. Gail immediately reacts to the heat of the ceviche, but Lorena loves the “punch” it has. Tom doesn’t notice the conch and his fish is overcooked.

Next we have Tiffany’s Conch and Coconut Chowder with Sweet Potatoes and Conch Ceviche. No one’s chowder seems to be hot. Gail says something about growing up going to the yacht club in Canada. Oh, Gail. Don’t try so hard, lovey.

Finally Mike presents his Banana Wrapped Gouper [ah yes, the famous fish Gouper, eaten for lunch every day by the interns in the Bravo lunch room] with Braised Pineapple and Warm Conch Vinaigrette. The reviews seem mixed – one yacht guy says the conch taste has been overwhelmed, but Gail loves it.

(I am literally falling asleep at this point, so forgive me if things get even vaguer from here out). (editor’s note: I wrote this before I knew that I would actually fall asleep mere moments later)

Commercial.

Fakeback! They talk about who would be which character from Gilligan’s Island.

And then I did fall asleep for ten minutes, and woke up and had to rewind the show back until they’re all in the stew room talking about their dishes.

Judges table. Tom compliments them all on keeping sand out of their dishes. Lorena says Antonia’s dish was “right on” but Tom wishes the conch were cut bigger, and his fish was overcooked. Padma didn’t like the conventionality of the dish, and felt that hers was the most predictable. Antonia does a neat rhetorical trick of taking this as a compliment because it means she has an identifiable style.

She tells Richard his pasta was “quite unusual,” and Tom says he enjoyed the dish. Gail says it really worked, but Lorena says her lobster was undercooked.

Lorena loved the combination on Tiffany’s chowder. Gail wonders if the soup was meant to be hot or cold. Tiffany blames the wind that kicked up while she was plating. Tom says it was a little on the sweet side.

Gail asks Mike about the pineapple, which she thought was amazing. Tom enjoyed the smokiness of the banana leaf, but didn’t care for the butter taste.

Padma sends them back to the stew room. The judges deliberate and say that it’s a hard choice because they all did a “pretty good job” with the conch. Lorena is put off by the problem with Richard’s lobster. Tom says Antonia’s conch was the “least impactful” of the dishes. Tom thinks Tiffany’s dish didn’t come together, and the sweetness and temperature were off. Lorena found Mike’s dish a little bit greasy.

Commercial.

Back. Tom tells them they did a fantastic job, but the one who showcased conch in the most unique way was Mike. Ugh. He says some dumb, gloating things from his dumb, gloating face.

Tom tells them that one dish was a little less successful than the others –some of Richard’s lobster was undercooked; Tiffany’s chowder was cold and too sweet, and antonia’s had “little inconsistencies in the cooking.”

Padma tells Tiffany to pack her knives and go, surprising absolutely no one. Tiffany acknowledges that she was outcooked, and cries. She’s proud to have made it this far as someone self taught, and feels it’s important to keep going.


Next time! Finale? The Last Supper! This should be a walk in the park for you! It tastes like it’s about to go rancid. Whoever wins… is getting that last spot. Remember this? And maybe I’ll be a smidge less tired at that point.