Top Chef All Stars: Congratumalations, Richard! PHEW!

Richard wins All Stars And all is right with the world Riots averted

Well, THAT was a relief of Brobdignagian proportions, am I right my croccantes? (sidebar: I don't know what's up with the formatting, and I've wasted half the morning trying to fix it, so. . .sorry, but you're stuck)

Because I was convinced that they were going to fuck this thing up again. Because think about it: for every time that a clear favorite has won (and putting my own pro-Michael Voltaggio bias aside for a moment, I will concede that that has happened twice – with Harold and with Stephanie), there have been an equal or greater number of times when some dumb schlub you just wanted to punch in the face staggered ass backwards into the finale and somehow managed to handle the pressure better than people who’d schooled his ass time and time again (and here I am talking Kevin and Hosea, with dishonorable mention to Season 2, where I can’t believe that by the finale, anyone wanted EITHER Ilan or Marcel to win).

And given how close the judging seemed to cut it this time, I’m convinced that there are exactly two reasons this happened:

1) They didn’t want to get hosed –or rather, Hosea-d – again. Remember that the finale taped in late January/early February. By this time, we’d had almost two months (ALREADY! TWO MONTHS!!) of Top Chef All Stars under our loosened belts. They’d had time to watch the first several rounds of the competition, to remind themselves “oh, that’s right. No one likes that guy. And he’s gross. Hmmmm,” and make up their minds to avoid anointing back-to-back (and for some of you, back-to-back-to-back-to-back) winners who seemed unworthy.

2) Two words: Beet. Salad. Because if both dinners really were that great, if it really did come down to two courses each and a close shave on a few of those courses, then the difference is ultimately going to come down to the fact that one chef served you inventive food with a vision and the other served you a first course that can be found in every freaking steakhouse and Applebees in the universe, then you come down on the side of innovation. No matter how good a beet salad is, it is a beet. Salad. It is in danger of passing its brethren – Cobb, Caesar, and Caprese – in terms of ubiquity and overdoneness. It is the exact opposite of innovation.

(And yes, part of this is my personal bias against beets and their tendency to KILL ME DEAD, but most of it is just that I am sick of seeing beet salad all over every menu. Come on, America – can’t we move on to the next disgusting trend ingredient already? Anyone who thought that something that passé had a place in the finale …look, for that alone, he should be busted back to the first rounds, and Jen or Tiffani GIVEN his place in the finale just for having ten times the brains)

Anyway. Congratulations, Richard! It’s always nice when these things end right-side up, and enjoy the $200,000. I hope I get the chance to test whatever you end up doing with it, and I hope it’s better than fLiP Burger (which was good, but not even cracking the top 10 in terms of burgers I’ve had in my lifetime. Sorry).

And congratulations, Carla!!!! for winning Fan Favorite. It’s nice to see that particular wrong set right, although I’m disappointed that il douche* came in second, and that that many people are still falling for his “charm.”

So can we get going on this? Because mostly, I’m just glad it’s over. This has been a long, loooooong season, and as far as I can tell it gave up on being interesting months ago. So let’s just plow toward the finish line.

We open at the end of last week’s episode with Mike filling Richard in on how close the judges’ said the last challenge was, and then saying some nonsense about how “I’m going to beat Richard, I’m a better cook than he is, period.” Richard says he would’ve rather gone up against Antonia because he’s beaten her once before. So they both look kind of like assholes in this scene.

Padma and Tom enter and congratulate them on making the finale. And then it’s already time for the final challenge: create the restaurant of their dreams for the judges.

We cut to the credits – a modified final finale version where the two finalists say a bunch of things that don’t matter and make very little sense about their journeys and their talent and each other.

Back to the Bahamian stew room. The chefs will be creating a four course tasting menu to reflect their dream restaurant. Padma will give them the rest of the details in the morning. Mike gives his soundbite about how he quit his job and missed his honeymoon to be there.

So let’s talk about this challenge for a second. Part of me thinks good call – it’s All Stars. They should be doing something a little different, a little more challenging just to show that they merit the title. And a mini-restaurant wars is a nice spin to put on that. But the other part of me thinks that it’s the finale, and that having the finale challenge – either the “cook the meal of your life” of classic Top Chef or the “cook a meal that is your journey as a chef” (so literally the meal of your life) iteration from Masters is a part of that experience.

But no one asked, me, so….

The next morning in their hotel room, the guys argue about which of them is the underdog. I have a hard time paying attention to this segment since I’m trying so hard not to look at the screen – Mike is holding a pillow over his junk and wearing tan/beige shorts that are too close to his skin color, and it looks like he’s pantsless. I have such a thing about people wearing clothes that are too close to their skin color – it never fails to skeeve me out – and in this case. . .well, the only thing that could possibly touch shirtless Mike in terms of fodder for my nightmares is apparently pantsless Mike.

We cut to the kitchen, where Padma instructs every other chef from the season to cook an amuse bouche.

Back at the hotel, the finalists talk about who they’d want as their sous chefs if they had the entire field of contestants to choose from. Mike would want Jen Carroll. They both agree that they wouldn’t want Jamie, both because “she’s Jamie and she’s slow.”

They arrive in the kitchen, where the other chefs, having created their amuses, greet them with applause. The finalists will be picking their 3 favorite amuses to determine their sous chefs. . .but they’ll be picking them blind.

NICE. This twist is one of my two favorite parts of the episode – I’ve often thought they should do something like this, and it’s a particularly good idea in this situation where they’ve all seen each other’s strengths and weaknesses for a long time, and where personality clashes date back years in some cases.

The two finalists taste. Richard can’t match the chefs to the dishes. Mike continues talking about how much he wants Jen, because they work well together and she’s a beast in the kitchen. This is interesting, considering our very first introduction to Mike, wayyyyy back in August of 2009, was him saying that Jen – “a girl” shouldn’t be beating him at oyster shucking. Yeah, I hold a grudge, you fat sexist fuck. Deal with it.

Mike also says that he doesn’t want Marcel. If karma ruled the universe, he would get Marcel. Richard wants Dale T and Angelo or Jen.

Richard picks first, pulling Spike’s ceviche of squid. I’m pleased for our little Spikey, getting picked first based on the quality of his food in a blind taste test (because I AM capable of forgiving people who show that they aren’t the walloping fuckbags they originally seemed). Mike picks the yogurt curry, which is Tiffani F.’s. Richard’s next choice is a chicken dish, which is Angelo’s. Mike picks Jamie’s pork tenderloin. Richard’s final pick is an egg dish, which is Antonia’s. He’s thrilled at first but worried she’s been cut to recently to have her head in the game. Mike’s final pick is a tropical salsa, which is Carla’s. He then refers to his ladies as “his angels” as in Charlie's Angels. Pbbbblt. Being a cheerful avuncular sexist douche doesn’t make you less of a sexist douche, Mike, you sexist douche.

They have an hour to plan today and five hours to cook tomorrow before opening their restaurants for 70 customers and a panel of judges.

Mike is calling his restaurant “Is.” His ideas are inspired by things he grew up with. Richard’s restaurant will be called “Tongue & Cheek,” and all the menu items will have a dual meaning. Mike feels like “all the pressure’s on Blais, and the bottom line is I’m gonna out cook him.” Blais says that Mike’s strengths are his confidence and bravado…and his weaknesses are the same things.

Commercial!

Back! The chefs turn up in the kitchen the next day with 5 hours to cook. Mike is cooking at Seafire at the Atlantis. He says he wouldn’t have been mature enough in Vegas to handle this challenge.

Richard is at Café Martinique, trying to cook delicious food that shows he’s “over creativity for creativity’s sake.” He thinks he’s a better leader now and a better team player.

Mike drills his servers and chooses some wines. It’s boring. He’s setting up his chefs in stations – Tiffani on fish, Jamie on cold, and Carla on dessert and then up front.

Richard feels like he has four proteins on every dish. He has also decided to do an amuse in addition to his four courses. He worries that he might be doing too much. He has Angelo doing mise for the cold dishes, Antonia doing the vegetables, and Spike on dessert and front of house. He drills his servers and chooses some wines.

One hour forty seven minutes left. Richard is concerned about the dessert because he feels like it’s not thought through enough. He switches from Cap’n Crunch to foie gras ice cream. This makes me wish I’d had the foie gras shake when I went to fLiP Burger, because then I’d have an idea of what this ice cream would be like in terms of a flavor experience.

Tom thru! It’s kind of the meanest Tom thru ever – he basically goes to each restaurant and tries to psych them out by reminding Mike he hasn’t been in the finale before and Richard that he blew up during his.

Richard’s sous chefs are being collaborative – taking his dishes and making them better. Jamie tells us that Mike is concerned about the first course. Back at Café Martinique, Spike has his douche hat back on and is readying to hit the front of the hosue. Richard worries that he’ll fail again, and end up always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

The diners enter Tongue & Cheek. Ooh, it’s Lidia Bastianach and Hubert Keller! Commercial. Back! Richard is worried about the Raw Oyster with Lemon Horseradish Ice Cream and Salsa Verde amuse, but decides to serve it. Padma introduces Lidia, Hubert, Albert Portale and Bill Terlato. They eat their oysters, and are all pleased. Keller finds it “refreshing and creamy” and Portale says it has sophistication. Spike, who is lingering “subtly” behind the judge’s table goes back and reports to Richard that they loved the dish.

The first course, Raw Hamachi with Fried Veal Sweetbreads, Asian Pear, Pickled Radish, and Garlic Mayonnaise is served. That sounds like an interesting combination to me, though I have to admit that sweetbreads are one of those things I still just can’t bring myself to eat. I’ll try, and it’ll hit my mouth, and I’ll go “nope. You are glands. You can’t fool me,” and I’ll go back to eating my black pudding, or whatever else is on my plate that I find less disturbing than sweetbreads.

Anyway, Terlato says he loves the portion size – which may be the lamest critique of a dish ever uttered on Top Chef -- and the different elements. Tiffany, Tre, and Dale T. seem to be enjoying it as well.

At Restaurant Is, Carla greets some of the other competitors, and Gail, Tom, Curtis Stone and Art Smith (ugh). Mike presents his first course Spiced Beets with Mozzarella, Chocolate, and Truffle Vinaigrette. Or, in other words, beet salad. Already, he’s lost me. Art Smith finds the chocolate very subtle, and Tom thinks Mike is off to a good start. They get concerned, though about the amount of time they’re waiting for the second course: Halibut with Kumquats Marmalade, Cauliflower Puree, and Pancetta Crumbs. Tom says it’s nice looking, and the best cooked piece of fish he’s had on the show.

Back at Café Martinique/Tongue & Cheek, Richard is making “the prettiest food that I’ve put out on All Stars.” His second course is Pork Belly with a Black Cod Cutlet, Bone Marrow, Beets, Brussels Sprouts, and Kumquat. I didn’t hear about the beets during the TV airing, and my reaction was “YUM. YUUUUUMMMM.” But reading the description this morning and learning that there are beets in there, I just want to throw something. The diners think he did a great job with the dish. Spike assures Richard that they loved it.

Richard sends out the third course, Beef Short Rib with Mushrooms, Red Cabbage Marmalade, and Celery Root Horseradish Puree. Holy God, that sounds delicious. Portale says it’s not creative, but the execution is good and it’s really delicious. Terlato thinks it brings out Richard’s personality./p>

Mike prepares his third course of Braised Pork Shoulder with Pepperoni Sauce, Rosted Cabbage, and Turnips. “Wow, that is a nice plate of food,” Curtis Stone says. “This is as good as anybody’s food in the finale. In fact it’s better than most,” Tom says. Sometimes I feel like Tom gets defensive about who makes the finales and protests a bit too much. The fourth dish is Rosemary Caramel Custard with Pine Nuts, Citrus, Cherry and Apple. Tom says it’s “slightly overcooked but also cooked too fast.” Art Smith likes the flavor, but doesn’t like the way it feels in his mouth (thatswhatshesaid).

Richard’s fourth course is Cornbread with Foie Gras Ice Cream and Whipped Mango. He’s concerned about the foie gras ice cream. The diners like the cornbread, but aren’t impressed with the ice cream, but don’t think the foie gras adds much. Hubert thinks Richard did extremely well, but feels like the dessert was too built up.

Mike thinks he put out four perfect courses. The chefs both prepare for the second group of judges. Tom thinks Mike did a great job except for the wait between the first two courses. The judges swap restaurants. Richard is worried and trying to save the ice cream.

Commercial! Back! Finale Fake Back! The sous chefs talk about the two finalists. Jamie says Mike and Richard deserve to be there. Tiffani says Mike has a hell of a shot at it. Carla says she respects Mike as a chef and has seen his growth. Angelo says Richard is one of the best chefs in the country, and Antonia says she has a lot of respect for him. Spike.. .says nothing? What? Why no Spike interview, Bravo?

Really back. The Padma group of diners files into Restaurant Is, and sit down to the beet salad. They think the chocolate vinegar is clever. They enjoy the fish, and think it shows a lot of finesse.

Over at Tongue & Cheek, the Tom group sits down to their plates. They enjoy the oyster amuse, and think the fish has a beautiful texture and nice flavor. Mike’s pork dish is called brilliant and delicious by the second group, and Terlato sees a “grandmother’s influence” in his rosemary shortbread, which he didn’t see in Richard’s “foie gras ice cream.”

Back at Tongue & Cheek, the shortrib wakes Gail right up. Art Smith says he was skeptical on the foie gras ice cream, but thinks it’s subtle and well done.

Service finished, Mike and Richard file into the stew room. There’s a lot of bravado and nervous giggling from Mike and a lot of twitchiness from Richard and they file off to judges’ table.

Padma starts by telling them they both did a wonderful job, and Tom calls it the best food they’ve had in any finale. Gail tells Mike there was a “subtlety, and understatedness, almost a femininity” to his food. Mike thinks his steamed fish was the strongest dish, and Tom agrees. Gail thinks his pepperoni sauce was genius. Tom says his custard had bubbles in it, but all in all he did a great job.

Gail tells Richard he hit them with “the most intense extraordinary flavor course after course after course.” Hubert compliments the amuse, and Tom tells him the second course was strong and clean. Padma thinks the black cod was flawless and Tom says the beef was safe but perfectly done. Tom asks about the difference in the service on the foie gras ice cream, and Richard explains his correction.

Then they do the “why do you think you deserve to win” bullshit that I hate SO MUCH. Mike says something about his wife supporting him and how he can’t explain it. Richard says he hopes he showed creativity and whimsy and his newfound understanding of the pleasure principle, and how it’s not about him, it’s about the guests. He says winning would give him the opportunity something that he wants to do as a chef.

That is as good an answer as you can ever hope to get to that stupid, bullshit question, and a good illustration of why Richard deserves to win and Mike doesn’t: there is a thoughtfulness and a philosophy to Richard’s food that Mike does not have the capacity to imitate or articulate. It’s the difference between a craftsman and a draftsman, and as much as I hate hate HAAAATE the “why do you deserve” nonsense, I’m glad it was able to elicit such a typifying answer from both of them.

They send the cheftestants back. “going to be a tough one” Hubert whispers to Padma. “I know,” she says, caressing his shoulder. That’s sweet. It’s like she’s his nice, hot aunt preparing him for a tough day at school.

In back, the chefs are sitting quietly after some of the usual talk happens . They hear a noise in the hallway, and then Mike’s wife, mom, and sister enter, and Richard’s uncle comes in. There’s some hugging.

Back in the judges’ chamber Gail says she was impressed by both chefs. Tom is on the fence – he loved both meals. Padma loves Richard’s amuse, and Tom gives Richard the first course because Mike’s salad couldn’t compete with the himachi.

They also call Richard for the second course. Tom backtracks on saying Mike’s fish was the best fish he’s had on Top Chef, pointing out “I tasted that before I tasted Richard’s.”

Dayyyym. That must have been some good fish to unseat something that was “the best ever” moments earlier.

They all loved both chefs’ braised courses, but nothing in Gail’s dish blew Richard away the way Mike’s pepperoni sauce did. Hubert would order Mike’s dessert of the two, but Gail and Tom both opt for Richard’s – clearly the improvement made a difference. Padma and Hubert contend that everyone at their table was more open to Mike’s.

So it’s the first two courses for Richard’s and the last two for Mike’s – although, let’s be more honest than the judges here: it sounds like the two courses they call for Richards were clear calls, and the ones they call for Mike were closer. Gail says she’d eat at Mike’s restaurant during the week and Richard’s on the weekend. Tom babbles something and says “there’s one restaurant we prefer.” “I think we have a new top chef,” Padma beams coyly.

Commercial! Back! Richard and Mike file back into the judges’ table room to the cheers of their families and fellow cheftestants. Tom tells them they fought it out all season and especially here. Richard has been steady all season; Mike came on strong in the Bahamas. He thinks they’ll both have long and successful careers, and either of them is worthy of the title.

Padma tells. .. Richard that he is Top Chef! Richard looks shocked, and everyone else looks happy except for Mike and his family – which is fine, it’s ok to look disappointed, but to a one they look stoneyfaced and really pissed off. This is not a group of people I would ever want to hang out with (although you could probably make a bundle playing poker with them since they seem universally unable to hide their feelings).

Richard says he didn’t think he could do it and that he willed it to happen. Mike says that to come in second was tough, and he feels like he beat Richard, he just didn’t get the prize. Oh, suck it, you dumb fuck. You lost. You lost by a close margin and to someone amazing, but you lost. Grow a pair and deal with it instead of grousing like the chunky toddler you seem hell bent on being your entire life.

Richard calls his wife from the interview room and tells her. That’s adorable. That may be my favorite moment in all of Top Chef history – it’s definitely my favorite moment in this episode. They should’ve just run that on a loop for an hour instead of making us sit through all of Richard’s twitching and Mike’s swaggering bullshit.

And so our long (FOUR MONTHS) national nightmare is nearly over, poppins. Next week: reunion! And the new season of Masters (which you will probably see a recap for Friday or Saturday, because Mama needs to sleep at some point).

*It’s a Mussolini joke. Get it?