Top Chef All Stars: It’s really the penultimate supper, but that didn’t have the same ring

(The title is a callback)

Antonia is out
Goodbye, last lady standing
Spicy Bento Box

So let’s get some business out of the way first: the winner of our First Ever Last Line Limerick Contest, with a staggering 3/5ths of the vote, is.... Anonymous 3/18, 1:44!

Goodbye, Tiffany
Near Invisible Woman
Conched out on the beach.

So congratulations, whoever you are. We’ll now have to establish some sort of way to identify who you are, and you can select from one of the following prizes:

1) A post detailing a recipe for a dish made following YOUR CHOICE of this week’s quickfire rules – either one pot, made from canned goods, or a hot dog. But not the later twists, unless you’re going to give me $5000 for it and send Carla and a two-headed apron to my apartment.

2) A bottle from my inaugural batch of homemade limoncello. Note: this will take at least 90 days from the time I start making it to be ready, and I make no guarantees about it not tasting like paint thinner and ass.

3) A dozen of Dale’s cookies.

It occurred to me as I was toasting my toast this morning, conchs, that the trouble with these later parts of All Stars is the opposite side of the coin to the great thing about the earlier parts of All Stars. Remember back in December, when it was shocking that a chef of Jen’s caliber could go out second, or when Season 5 kick-ass Jamie morphed into perpetually incompetent All Stars Jamie, or when a double elimination took out Stephen, predictably, but also Dale L., unexpectedly?

Those things were shocking because we knew those people. By virtue of knowing that these were all solid chefs, every episode’s elimination was a shocker.

And now? Nothing is shocking because. . .we know these people. Who among us didn’t see last week’s final four getting whittled down to this particular final three, and this week’s final three getting pared further to next week’s final two?

It’s all so set in stone at this point. It’s like they’re not even bothering to try with the show anymore; just ticking the predictable boxes.

And as I was writing that, I realized that another part of the problem was that this show has been going on since DECEMBER 2, people. Four months! Four months of this nonsense! It’s been four months since we moved from the weird but refreshing little palate cleanser of Top Chef Just Desserts (which was only on September 18- November 18, by the way, which may account for at least part of its refreshingness) into the interminable slog of Top Chef All Stars. FOUR GODDAMN MONTHS.

And to add insult to long festering injury, we're now subjected to a four fucking part finale, which I'm convinced is absolutely nothing more than a way for Padma, Tom, and Gail to maximize the time they spend in the Bahamas on Bravo's dime.

Between all those things, I’m really looking forward to the early rounds of Top Chef Masters, and the rotating crop of personalities. It’s going to be nice not to be stuck with the same assholes every week for a change.

And speaking of which. ..

So Mike Isabella is in the finale, and I threw up in my mouth a bit. Not because it wasn’t predictable – I would never have called it at the beginning of the season, but between his performance lately and the “look at me not being a douchebag [except for when I’m a douchebag]” edit he’s gotten as the season went on, it’s been pretty clear that this is the showdown they’ve been setting up for awhile now.

I was actually worried that with all the cousins nonsense, they were setting up a Mike v. Antonia twist for the finale. I should’ve known better, because god forbid they do something we couldn’t all see coming from a mile away, but I’m so relieved that that didn’t happen and that Blais is still in it that I can’t get too exercised about the fact that he’s competing against a lump of Crisco in breathing human-ish form.

But I am sad that Antonia’s gone. I thought she had a really strong showing this season, and I’m glad that they focused on the fact that she is an absolutely rock-out chef, and not just someone crying about her daughter at every opportunity.

Also, look back up at that picture. Look at those LEGS! DAMN, girl! I am jealous as hell, and I hope you keep those things unwrapped when they’re not in the kitchen in danger of being burned.

Let’s just get this over with, shall we?

We pick up at night, in the Bahamian stew room, with everyone saying nice things about Tiffany. She’s a warrior, apparently, and should be proud of what she did. Mike brags about how his back to back wins mean he’s getting hot now. Blais points out in an interview that Mike has won 2 challenges in each of his seasons; Richard’s won 8. Antonia is determined not to let the boys club dominate.

Credits! Weird version – I wasn’t watching too carefully, but it seemed like just the cheftestants, not the prize list, and that it was either not all the cheftestants or it was some weird sped-up version. Anyway.

In the actual show, Padma and Wolfgang Puck greet them in the kitchen for their final quickfire. Wolfgang Puck is still responsible for one of my all time favorite Top Chef moments, when he threw Laurine’s bacon donut across the room after saying it had the texture of a golf ball.

Padma tells them this day will be different than anything they’ve done in the past – Instead of having one quickfire, they’ve chosen 7 quickfires from past seasons, and they’ll assign them to each other. Hm. Half of me likes this idea a lot; the other half thinks that it just points out that they shouldn’t have given up the “classic quickfires” conceit so early on. I mean, when was the last time we saw that? And now there are seven left that would’ve been perfectly good? Come on, guys. And the THIRD half of me (shut it) thinks that it’s an opportunity for a really uneven challenge – some of these quickfires are bigger challenges than the others, and as Blais points out, one of them (tacos) is one that he won previously.

Anyway, Mike assigns “Canned Goods” from season 2 to Antonia. Antonia gives Hot Dogs from Season 5 to Richard. And Richard gives Mike “One Pot” from Season 5. He says this is because Mike has talked in the past about needing 6 or 7 sautee pans; Antonia thinks he’s given Mike too much latitude because he can make anything he wants as long as it’s in one pot.

Food flurry! Antonia is grabbing ingredients for their flavor. Mike is doing a spin on pork and beans using a pressure cooker as his one pot. Richard would love to make a homemade hotdog, but given the limited time he’s making his own bread and a curried ketchup sauce.

Padma enters, her bright yellow dress a beam of ominous sunlight in the kitchen. They get to assign a twist to each other – one handed cooking from season 2; finishing your dish without knives or hand tools (wait. . .when in hell did this one happen?); and the 3rd, the double apron twist from season 7, with Carla as your conjoined apron twin.

Richard assigns no utensils (which apparently happened earlier this season) to Mike. Antonia gives one handed to Richard; Antonia gets conjoined Carla.

They go back to work. Mike isn’t worried. He’s also…cooking something green in a saucepan while his pork and beans are still in the pressure cooker. That seems like a contradiction of the one pot rule. Antonia and Carla are tied together, and Richard is laboriously slicing limes with one hand. Antonia says Carla is a great resource as a second palate, and thinks she’s the best team member you could hope for.

Mike opens up his pressure cooker to find his meat undone. Richard isn’t thrilled with the way the flavors in his dish are turning out. Mike’s pork is a little tough.

Padma and Puck enter and begin tasting with Antonia’s Curry Soup with Dried Soft Andouille Sausage, Banana, Peanut, and Curry Sauce. She mispronounces Andouille in a bizarre way while introducing it. Puck says it has strong flavors, but good balance. Richard has made Curry Wurst with Handmade Roti Bread, Ketchup, Mayo, and Spice which Puck says he could feed to his kids at home. Mike presents his "Pork and Beans" -- Black Beans, Chili Paste, Ginger, and Cabbage Salad. Puck likes the balance.

Commercial

Back. Puck says that Richard’s was a bit too ketchupy, but a very nice “santwhich, if you vanna call it dat way.” Antonia’s soup was delicious but too concentrated; Mike’s was balanced but his pork was overcooked. And Mike wins, and gets $5000. Richard is feeling the pressure because Mike is “on fire.”

I think I'd prefer it if Mike was ACTUALLY on fire instead of just figuratively so.

Padma tells them they have special guests waiting for them at the Cloisters at the Ocean Club. Richard expects “aliens or rock stars,” but no; it’s the ubiquitous Michelle Bernstein who is contractually obligated to show her sour face on at least one episode of every season of Top Chef and talk about being Latin and/or Jewish for at least twelve minutes, Chef Morimoto, and Wolfgang Puck. They’ll be doing the “Last Supper” challenge from Season 5 where they have to prepare what the celebrity chef would want for their last meal. And just as in season 5, it’s not actually the Last Supper, since it’s not the finale.

Mike gets to choose first, and he chooses the ubiquitous Michelle Bernstein. He also gets to assign the other chefs. He gives Morimoto to Antonio to mess with her, and Wolfgang Puck to Richard. Antonia realizes this is a ploy to throw her off her game.

And here’s my issue with this challenge: like the quickfire, like the Fallon challenge, like…a few others this season that I can’t be assed to look up at this point…it’s really uneven. None of these chefs do Asian food, so whoever gets Morimoto immediately has a bigger challenge than the other two.

Padma tells them that there will be a surprise twist. She holds up an envelope and tells them it’ll be revealed later.

The chefs meet with their celebrity chefs. Puck wants to go back to his roots – apple strudel and spaetzle and goulash. Richard is scared of the strudel as he doesn’t have a recipe for the dough in his arsenal. The ubiquitous Michelle Bernstein chooses fried chicken, biscuits, and gravy, because it’s the antithesis of how she grew up. Mike is not worried about cooking fried chicken; he worries about giving her his take on it.

Morimoto gives Antonia very specific instructions for a Bento box his mother used to make him involving a rice dish, miso soup, and some kind of sashimi. We then see adorable pictures of him playing baseball in Japan as a teenager.

The chefs return to their hotel room, and Antonia points out that Mike has given it to her twice today (that’s what she said). Mike then claims that he and Blais got the tough ones, and he picked Michelle because she’d give him that’s the biggest challenge. That is such bullshit. I would cross the room and punch him in the face if he tried to pull that shit with me. He’s also making a flaky empanada instead of the biscuit Michelle asked for. Richard is also not going the purely traditional route. Antonia goes to bed and cries about wanting to be there at the end.
The next morning. They’re all stressed out and feel like throwing up. Antonia is having fits of nervous laughter.

They head to the kitchen and start working. Mike feels confident about his adaptation of Michelle’s dish. Antonia is worried about “creating a memory” from Morimoto’s description. Richard is stressing about the strudel.

Commercial!

Back! Tom thru! You know, one of the things that’s sadly lacking in recent seasons is the Tom thru on a regular basis. They need to bring that back – I miss hearing what he has to say. In this case, he says that Mike picked the easiest dish for himself. THANK YOU, Tom, for acknowledging in one compact phrase that this is a radically uneven challenge and that Mike is full of shit when claiming he has one of the harder challenges. He talks to Richard about Mike’s momentum, and thinks his willingness to embrace the challenge gives him an advantage. He thinks Antonia’s dish is a chance for redemption.

Antonia unwraps her hamachi, and finds it slimy and on the brink of going rancid. Richard is struggling with his pressure cooker, and worries about choking again.

As the sun goes down, the diners enter a lovely dining room for their ...dinner. Morimoto is wearing a lovely grey kimono, and the ladies are all wearing lovely pink and red and purple dresses. Padma introduces Melanie Dunea, author of My Last Supper.

The chefs put the finishing touches on their dishes, and Antonia sends her take on Morimoto’s mom’s bento box out: Tuna Sashimi with Pickeld Radishes, Mushrooms, Roasted Japanese Eggplant with Miso Soup and Rice. Morimoto says that the miso is too salty, but he doesn’t dislike the vinegar in the sushi rice. The scotch bonnet peppers in the tuna blow out Gail’s mouth. Michelle and Melanie praise the rice, and Gail and Puck both like the pickle. Tom thinks the eggplant is the best thing, but that the box lacks subtlety.

Mike presents his Fried Chicken with Latin Egg Yolk Empanada and Gravy next. Puck calls it an elegant version of fried chicken. Michelle Bernstein likes the texture of the egg empanada. Morimoto’s chicken is a bit dry and Gail says that the batter on the white meat is not crispy. Tom says that the technique of sous vide-ing the chicken first means the batter doesn’t stick.

Finally, we see Richard’s Beef Goulash, Spaetzel with Sour Cream and Apple Strudel with Tarragon. The judges all “mmm” as they dig into the goulash. It reminds Puck of his childhood, but Tom thinks the onion is undercooked and wishes the dish were hotter. Gail says the strudel is outstanding. “Even mah mothah would’ve approved of dat,” says Puck.

The diners talk a bit. Bernstein says Mike was super creative, but Puck thought he was “overcreative” and strayed too far from the initial concept. Gail could see where Antonia tried to be delicate, but Morimoto can’t say she’s the best. Puck says Richard did a great job with the goulash, and Gail says he had a great balance of his contemporary techniques and Wolfgang’s very traditional menu.

Padma calls the chefs in and tells them judges table is starting.. .right now. Michelle tells Mike his chicken was crispy, but not juicy, and the breading was falling off. Puck says Richard got the flavors of the goulash right on, but the spaetzle was tough. Morimoto tells Antonia the soup was salty, but it was interesting.

Tom tells Richard that if this season was about redemption for him, he’s one step closer: he’ll be cooking in the finale. Richard is elated to have made it through two seasons without Padma telling him to pack his knives.

Padma reminds Antonia and Mike that only one of them will move on, and then she whips out her top secret twist envelope. “You r’member this?” she drawls. Oh, good, I was wondering where that envelope had got to. Commercial.

Back! Oh, fakeback. The chefs all reflect on how well known Top Chef is for twists, and what the envelope twist could be. Lamest fakeback ever.

Back for real. Padma hands Antonia the envelope. There will be one more challenge to determine who claims the last spot. Tom gives them 45 minutes to go back to the kitchen and make seven servings of one bite.

Food flurry! They run about a bit and give interviews about how battered they feel. Mike wants to do something bold with textures, but something no one else would do. So he grabs heavily original ingredients: tenderloin and lobster. Yes, because no one would ever think to use those things. Steak and lobster – what a revolutionary fucking concept. Moron. Antonia is trying to put together an aggressive dish that shows the judges who she is and what she’s capable of.

We get some shots of the judges discussing the fact that there’s $200K at stake. “Can I get in da kichen and cook?” Puck jokes.

The chefs come out and present Antonia’s Seared Grouper in Coconut Lobster Broth with a Yam, Apple, and Dill Pollen Relish and Mike’s Tempura Lobster Over Beef Tartare with Carmelized Olives and Chimichurri Sauce.

Gail loves the idea of Antonia’s dish, but thinks the sauce is very powerful. Tom wonders if that was what she was going for. Morimoto thinks she was trying to work with the simplicity of the grouper, and he wants a bigger piece.

Bernstein loved the lobster on Mike’s, but it didn’t wow her with flavor the way Antonia’s did. She and Gail are both intrigued by the olive caramel. Melanie was shocked by the different colors.

Gail and Michelle would both choose Michael’s to eat again, but Padma, Morimoto, and Melanie prefer Antonia’s. Tom likes Michael’s. Puck should be the tie breaker, but he gives a two sides answer about Antonia’s being his favorite but Mike’s being more technically perfect as we cut to the commercial.

Back. Padma reminds them that one of them will join Richard in finale. Tom tells Antonia her dish was aggressive on the spice, but had great notes. He tells Mike his tartar was on the bland side, but the sauces tried to make up for it. Then he tells them it was close – a 3 to 4 split. Padma points out that they came in as competitors but leave as cousins. Then she asks Antonia to pack her knives and go.

Antonia cries about coming so close again and how her daughter is the only thing that could make her feel better now.

Next time! Actual finale! (Finally) Create the restaurant of your dreams! Some of you are going to be working as sous chefs. I’m in the weeds, but you know.” “I quit my job, I missed my honeymoon.” Ugh, Art Smith. Curtis Stone. “Let me compose myself here a little bit.” “You are Top Chef.”