Top Chef All Stars: Only in America

No one was sent home
Why should I write a haiku?
Make your own last line.

Let’s get a few business items out of the way first, shall we?

Numero uno: a bunch of news about Top Chef Masters: 3 came out yesterday, including the roster of contestants, a few of the guest judges, and a cast list that includes Curtis Stone taking the place of KChoi and Ruth Reichl apparently taking the place of Gael Greene’s Hat (also, no mention of Jay Rayner, but that’s less heartbreaking). On the one hand, I’m stoked about the other half of the Two Hot Tamales competing and Christina Hendricks judging. On the other….NO GAEL GREENE’S HAT? Is this even worth watching now? We’ll find out starting on April 6.

Numero due: Chef Grant Achatz of Alinea will be on NPR’s Fresh Air from WHYY today discussing his restaurant, his recovery from tongue cancer, and his new memoir Life, On The Line. Check your local public radio station’s website for scheduling information, or you can listen to it on the Fresh Air page at npr.org after about 7 p.m. Eastern.

Numero tre: next week’s recap will be late. How late? Very late. DAYS late, in fact. Why, you ask? Oh, let’s just say I’ll be off somewhere that they probably won’t have Bravo, and even if they do I won’t be arranging my schedule around the ability to watch it in a timely fashion. And I plan on eating at least one plate of mussels while I’m there, despite certain people’s insistence that they don’t exist in said place.

But enough on that: on to the episode, right? So let’s start with the twist itself: I went back and forth on finding it “shocking.” I follow three of the five final contestants on Twitter, and … let’s just say there were some tweets a few weeks back that while not exactly indiscreet , did allow for a certain amount of reading between the 140 characters.

So I had an inkling about the final five situation from before the episode started, partly because of that and partly because I had a hard time imagining any of them being sent home right now – yes, even Teflon Tiffany. And then Antoina’s mom started hinting slyly about maybe trying a final five, and I was pretty much certain.

But the way Padma and Tom kept saying “one of you HAS to go home” and “we HAVE to make a decision” and “only FOUR of you can move on” did keep me on edge a bit. And the way they handled the order and phrasing. . .well, I’ll be sending them the bill for my cardiologist appointment is all I’m saying.

As to the challenge itself: LOVE the idea. Love it on so many levels. Like every other white American, no matter how much some of them like to pretend we do and have always owned everything about this country, I am the descendent of immigrants – which is to say people who came here because things weren’t looking so great where we were. In my case, that means everything from younger sons who didn’t have opportunities back in the UK to Southern Italians trying to get out from under the heel of the Camorra, touching on a bunch of persecuted religious sects and Industrialized Revolution types in the three centuries between. My first traceable female ancestor in this country was an indentured servant in Virginia in the first half of the 17th century. Two of my great-grandfathers were immigrants, one of them through Ellis Island.

And this is going to sound like an obvious thing, and I’m ashamed to admit that I learned it from an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy like a million years ago, but when we come to a new place, food is the thing we keep. The first few generations lose the language, whether as an intentional attempt to assimilate or through disuse. After that, you lose the cultural practices . But the food stays, even once you hit a generation that can no longer pronounce the family name. Because really, it’s the soul of who we are.

So I love the idea of this challenge, but at the same time…I wish they’d had a more diverse group of contestants to do it with. Two Italian-American chefs, and they’re both Southern Italian to boot. Two African-American chefs with Southern roots. And poor Richard, left to make the best out of a cultural heritage that’s dominated by potato famines and meat pies. It would’ve been REALLY easy for him to get the screwgie on this challenge.

And I wish they’d been able to take it further. Yes, I know there’s no way you can subtly do a DNA test on people, but wouldn’t it have been AWESOME if they’d been able to do one of those ones that tells you what percentage of what you are, and what Native American tribes or bits of Africa your ancestors came from?

I want to have more to say about this, and I want it to be more interesting, but the truth is, I'm getting over a cold and it's hard to think about anything deeper than how nice it is to be breathing through my nose again, even if it does whistle a bit when I do. Also, Cherry-Vanilla Swirl Nyquil? It is THE SHIT, as the kids say.

Anyway.

We open in the stew room, where everyone is bummed that Dale left. Richard wanted to go to the end with him, and says this is the only elimination he’s sad about. I have a frowny face in my notes, which I think was meant to indicate that I shared Richard’s bummed-ness. He also tells Tiffany that she’s invincible. She vows not to go out in 5th again.

And they head back to the Top Chef Bar, where Mike and Richard seem to have actual drinks. Antonia calls her daughter. I’m glad that they haven’t emphasized the whole “Antonia, the brave single mom” thing like they did in season 4 – I understand that that’s an important part of who she is, but it got so tiresome.

Credits!

As the show opens, we’re in the Top Chef apartment, where Antonia suspects that Padma may be coming to them instead of vice versa. And of course she does, and tells them to chef suit up and meet her on the roof. Antonia thinks they’re going to have to “base jump off our roof and she’s going to be like scramble an egg and fry an egg before you get down.”

That? Would be awesome.

Roofside, Padma reminds them that 18 chefs started this competition, and 5 remain.

For this challenge, they’ll be taking a ferry to Ellis Island, where they’ll meet Padma and the guest judge.

So the chefs hike out to the Miss Freedom. They’re on a Boat! And there’s a Note!

They have to assemble a dish with the shitty snack bar ingredients from the ferry snack bar – nacho cheese and chips and pickles and things. They have from the time the ships horn blows and they pull out to the time it blows again and they dock to cook.

The chefs twiddle their fingers waiting for the horn. “Blow!” Tiffany yells, and it does. And they’re off! Floating food flurry! Tiffany is making “some type of nachos.” Antonia is working to make a grilled cheese sandwich on the hot dog griller. Richard has an MRE bag in his knife kit, which is a bag you can boil water in like the troops do. Carla eschews the junk food options to make an orange salad.

They keep peeking out at the water, but they can’t tell anything about where they are. Mike is making a bread soup with hot dog buns. It’s very traditional to use stale bread to thicken soup, but the idea of using crappy Wonder Hot Dog buns to do it makes me yak. Carla thinks Richard’s “hot dog with a lotta stuff on it” isn’t a winner.

The boat starts pulling into Ellis Island. Tiffany starts making popcorn with dried fruit to augment her nachos. Horn! Time! Mike wouldn’t serve his dish to his cat.

Padma and the adorkable Dan Barber come aboard. We’ve met Dan Barber a few times before, including the Season 5 farm challenge. Carla thinks it’s funny to be cooking for him when they only have shitty processed boat food.

Richard reminds us that Dan Barber was his celebrity sous in the season 4 finale in Puerto Rico, and introduces his take on a Bahn Mi: Hot Dog and Beef Jerky Sandwich with Jalapeño, Pork Rinds, Lettuce and Apple. Tiffany explains her Nachos with Cheese, Lettuce, Tomato, Jalapeño, Banana Pepper and Sour Cream; Popcorn with Candied Mangoes and Pineapples.

Mike decries Tiffany’s lack of effort before describing his Bread Soup with Cheddar Cheese, Sour Cream, Green Chili and Pork Rinds. Antonia thinks everyone is “elevating their dishes in terms of terminology,” or as we call it in my neck of the woods, bullshitting. Carla hopes her Orange and Papaya Salad with Carrot and Rosemary Juice will be “very refreshing after your cheese soup.” Heh. Burn.

They wrap up with Antonia’s Grilled Cheese with Apples and Raisin Bread. Richard thinks she’s done a “shell game” by making her dish with “cheese from one sandwich that was already made and bread from another sandwich that was already made” to make her sandwich. Commercial.

Back! Dan Barber tells them that they did a great job under the circumstances. He runs through his critique: Tiffany’s dish was too much like a throw-away. Richard’s was tasty and creative. Mike’s soup could’ve sunk the ship. Antonia’s technique was smart, and Carla’s orange salad was refreshing and innovative. And the winning dish is…Carla! Yay!!!

Richard is bitter.

Padma tells them this will be the last elimination challenge in New York, then talks about Ellis Island as the symbol of the American immigrant, and they’ll have to make a dish to represent their ancestry and inspired by their family history. She talks about how the African-American experience was obviously different. Well, duh, Padma.

To give them deeper insight into their ancestry, they’ve hired one of the country’s best genealogists in the country to assemble their family history, and brought in special guests…

It’s their families, of course! Carla’s Husband! Tiffany’s Mom! Antonia’s mom! Richard’s female wife! Mike’s mom! Oh, Mike’s mom looks like she could be one of my aunts or something. Richard’s female wife is 5 months pregnant with their second daughter.

So the families and the chefs head to park benches to read their family histories. Richard says this has been a rough year because his mom and his wife’s mother recently passed, so there’s a huge emotional connection. Richard is mostly Irish and English, from Worcestershire, which is great, because he loves the sauce. He also has an ancestor who owned a meat market, and one who was a chemist.

Tiffany and her Mom are thinking of traditional dishes from their family. Tiffany’s mom looks just like her. Tiffany likes the idea of okra, but worries that Tom doesn’t like it. She decides to go with it.

Carla and her husband are looking through her book. Her great-great-grandfather was in the US Colored Troops during the Civil War, and later had his own business, which makes her feel a connection to him because of their shared independence.

Mike’s mother tells him he doesn’t look Italian, which is RIDICULOUS. I mean come on. We learn about how he learned to cook from his grandmother, Antoinette Antonacci.

And then Antonia finds the Antonacci name in her family tree as well, so they’re long distant cousins from Sicily. “I told you I was your brother you never had,” he tells her. Antonia finds a picture of her great grandfather, Giuseppe Esposito, who came from Palermo. And then I lose track of what happens because I’m crying a little. Commercial.

Back! Whole Foods! 30 minutes shopping! Richard kind of regrets being Irish and English, because they’re not exactly cultures that have a “backbone” to their cuisine. Carla thinks this is a very intimate challenge.

They head back to the apartment, where Richard can suddenly see the resemblance between Mike and Antonia. And…so can I, once they show a shot of the two of them with their faces right next to each other. It is the craziest coincidence that they’re related – and not just in some distant bullshit “Presidents Bush and Obama are cousins through their distant shared ancestor in 17th century Massachusetts and they’re both related to Princess Diana” way, but actually only a century or so back related. The chefs spend some time looking at each others’ pictures , including an EPIC one of Mike in pink spandex during dance class.

The next morning, as the sun gently rises over New York, the chefs wake up and Tiffany talks about how she and Carla are BFFs. And then they find a DVD and a Toyota key waiting for them. And of course, the product placement vehicle of the season is waiting for them.

They hop in the car, where Padma tells them via DVD that the challenge winner will get this Highlander Hybrid. And blah blah blah car features.

They head out to the challenge location with 3 hours to cook. Carla is making braised pork shoulder, fried grits, and biscuits. NOM. And she’s using liquid nitrogen in the process. Our baby girl’s all growdz up. Tiffany is making shortribs, oxtail marmalade, and stewed okra and rice. She’s on a mission to get Tom to like okra.

Antonia’s dish was inspired by the fact that her father loves veal; she wants to honor him because he’s just gone through another bout of radiation for prostate cancer. Richard is honoring his meat market owning and chemist ancestors with something called glasswort, which sounds like something out of Harry Potter. Mike sets a towel on fire.

30 minutes! Carla’s biscuits are anemic looking; she thinks the oven’s not as hot as it says. Antonia struggles with making her risotto the right conspiracy. Richard is nervous because he thinks going right near the end would be the toughest to swallow.

The judges plus Dan Barber and the chef’s family members arrive and sit down at the table. Mike serves first, introducing his Potato Gnocchi with Braised Pork Shank Ragu and Burrata Cheese, which was inspired by his great great grandfather from Naples. His mom tells them he was on a chair near the stove when he was 3. They all like Mike’s gnocchi, and his mom says it even tops his grandma’s.

Mrs. Lofaso explains to the judges how Antonia learned to cook at their restaurant. Antonia presents her Braised Veal, Rapini Leaf, and Fava Bean Risotto. Richard’s wife thinks she did a great job with the flavors, and Tom agrees that it’s packed with flavor.

Tiffany comes out next with her Braised Short Rib with Mustard Greens, Stewed Okra, and Oxtail Marmalade. Her mom thinks it’s delicious. Tom says “I have to say, your family’s well fed if this is what you eat,” and that Tiffany’s finally made okra that he likes. He asked Matthew and Jazmin if they’re feeling the pressure since their spouses haven’t presented yet. “Have you ever had a final five?” Mrs. Lofaso slyly asks.

Richard comes out with his Short Ribs, Potatoes, Fried Bone Marrow, Corn Purée, and Pickled Glass Wart. Mike’s mother loves the bone marrow. Tom says it’s all right. “Not alright, it’s all right.” His wife loves the corn puree.

Matthew talks about how he and Carla met on match.com. Awesome. They should do an ad, because they’re the best. And it’s totally a great selling point for match: “you can meet actual awesome people on match.com, like Top Chef’s Carla Hall, not just a bunch of guys who say they’re 5’11” when they’re actually 5’8”, and don’t realize that everyone has caught onto the fact that a baseball cap is like the universal symbol for bald.” Carla has a sinking feeling, because she doesn’t want to disappoint the family members or the judges. Seriously, Carla, if you won at match.com, you can win at anything. Commercial!

Fakeback! Tiffany wants to win this challenge because it’s emotional. Antonia thinks she and Richard are the worriers of the group. Richard says everyone’s dishes are tasty and amazing, and worries that he might be gone since he’s the only “big seed” left standing.

Back for real. Carla presents her Braised Pork Shoulder, Fried Grits, Corn and Sweet Potato Hash and Cheddar Biscuits. It’s Mike’s mother’s first grits experience. Jazmin likes that she served the biscuits family style. Gail loves the grits, and Dan Barber is excited about the pork shoulder. Tom is worried about how hard judges table is going to be.

The five chefs walk back out so that Padma can thank them for the meal and they can say goodbye to their families. Mrs. Lofaso tells Antonia what she said about how there should be a final five.

Everyone kisses and we cut to the stew room, where they toast each other and the emotional ride they’ve had. Padma enters and calls all of them back to the judges’ table.

Padma thanks them for the wonderful meal, and Tom assures them that their families were and should be proud. But, Padma adds, only 4 of them can compete for the $200,000.

At this point, it’s 10:56 and I realize we’ve been SUPERSIZED. Again

Carla says that going to Ellis Island was amazing, and finding out about her roots was inspirational. Gail loved the broth and said the biscuits were beautiful. Barber loved the shoulder. Tom thought the corn was on the tough side. Carla explains that she used liquid nitrogen to get the grits cold. Tom says it all worked together as a soulful, flavorful dish.

Richard says it’s hard to connect the dots when you’re a “mutt.” I feel for him – I was thinking, as I do, about what I would’ve done in this challenge, and I think I would’ve felt pressed NOT to do Italian since there were 2 fully Italian people there and I’m only ¼. So I would’ve been stuck with the delicious foods of the rest of my heritage – again, a lot of meat pies. But Richard is a better man than I am. Dan Barber could see the thoughtfulness in the dish, and Tom agrees that it made sense.

Padma tells Antonia she was courageous for serving them risotto. Gail says it had a great texture and the shank fell apart on top of it. Tom says her confidence came through in this dish.

Tom admits that Tiffany has converted him to liking okra because “the slime wasn’t slimy, it was rich.” Barber says her love for what she was doing really came through.

Padma compliments Mike’s gnocchi, and Barber says the flavor on his “gravy” was rich without being overwhelming. Gail calls the dish soulful and satisfying. Tom says that the last dish he wants to eat on earth is his mother’s “gravy” because it’s such a soulful dish.

Mike starts crying about how he didn’t want to cook Italian food because it reminded him of his grandmother. Gail tells him what his mom said about his gnocchi being better than his grandmother’s.

They file back to the stew room, and everyone compliments Mike for having emotions. Antonia then reminds them that someone still has to go home. Commercial.

Ah! Top Chef Masters commercial! Yay!

Back! Tom doesn’t even know where to begin, because, as Barber says, each of the dishes was stunning. So they have to go after real little nitpicky things: in the middle of all the praise, Gail says that Antonia’s shank, when eaten alone was just a hair salty. Barber thought Mike’s gnocchi should’ve been plated with a touch less meat. Padma says there wasn’t that much green on Richard’s plate. Tom thinks Carla’s garnish got lost in her broth. Tom thinks Tiffany had a “Coco Chanel” moment with her dish and needed to “lose some accessories.”

So they come to a decision. And they call the chefs back in.

Dan Barber announces that the winner is…Antonia! Yay!! She says her mother and daughter will be unbelievably excited. She gets to move on to the final round … in the Bahamas!

Tom tells Mike he’s safe and will be moving on as well. Padma tells i due cugini to go back to the stew room, where they hug and jump around.

Back in the stew room, Tom tells Tiffany she gave them a soulful dish of beautiful southern food with a lot of stuff going on. Richard pulled off a beautiful story with his food. Carla had some things here and there with the vegetables.

Richard. .. is told to pack his knives…and go to the Bahamas! I would freaking kill them if they did that to me – my heart literally stopped for a second as it was just watching it. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be there.

Tom tells Carla and Tiffany again that it was a tough decision. But…commercial! WHAT??? AUGH!

We return to the judges table room where Tom continues to keep Carla, Tiffany AND THE WORLD in suspense. Eventually, Padma tells Carla. . .and Tiffany. . .that they’re both going to the Bahamas!

Good job Mrs. Lofaso! You called it! Tom explains that it was too tough a decision and they couldn’t say goodbye to either of them.

The girls pull a Joey where they walk in looking all sad, and then say “we’re all going!” and explode into happy.

Next! Final rounds begin! Padma in a bikini! Head to Head with the chef that won their season! I may’ve just shot myself in the foot! I’ve choked once before so I’m nervous. Fire! The other chefs can think what they want, but I am here to win. I couldn’t finish eating the dish. I want to do it, I want to be there at the end.