Top Chef Masters: Bugs, Bossiness, and Booooooooos

I know. I’m the worst. I’m a bad, bad, negligent recapper. I didn’t watch the show on time; I didn’t recap it on time; I didn’t explain why things were late.

And you know what? The same thing may happen again next week.

Here’s the thing: I don’t feel 100% invested in Top Chef, Masters. I don’t like the switch over to the normal Top Chef format; I don’t like the lack of Gael Greene’s Hat or the chippy that’s replaced her; I’m not invested in any of these chefs , as they don’t seem to have either the caliber of previous Masters groups -- remember when we had Hubert Keller and Rick Bayless and Marcus Samuelsson and Jonathan Waxman and other chefs so good that Wylie Dufresne couldn’t even make it past the first round? TWICE? – or the character of the ordinary cheftestants.

And puddins? No offense, but you don’t seem too invested either. Yes, Masters always gets a lower response rate than the normal Top Chef, but it’s been creakingly slow around here the last few weeks. It’s like I’m blogging into a vacuum, my own words echoing back at me.

So I don’t have the sense of either investment or urgency I normally do. Certainly not enough to put other parts of my life on pause like I sometimes have, to say I’m not available on Wednesday or to say that I can go out but I have to be home before ten. So I went out on Wednesday night, and didn’t get home until (gasp) 10:45. And I didn’t feel like sitting up to watch a show I’m kind of “meh” about. And then I didn’t feel much like watching it Thursday or Friday night either.

(Also, I don't know what's up with blogger lately, but I can't post without my formatting getting completely jacked)

But here we are now, and this episode underlines some of the reasons I’ve been “meh” about the show. Is it just me, folks, or does the judging seem pretty well fekakta this season? I mean, I can understand the episode where Sue went home for not finishing even though Suvir managed to turn veal into veal jerky. But sending John home for perfect risotto because it was boring and safe when Celina made gritty “puddin’?” Is puddin’ really that much more exciting than risotto that it gets to stay even when it’s not as good as the risotto is?

Anyway. I’m irked. I liked John. And I assumed he’d be staying awhile, because we’ve seen a fair bit of him so far.

So let’s look at the ridiculous circumstances that led to his ouster.

We open with the chefs entering the Masters kitchen, faced with Curtis and a bunch of edible plants and flowers but Hugh can tell the flowers and plants are hiding something else. Curtis tells them they’re going “back to our roots. Literally.” What’s hidden is a bunch of bugs that are high in protein, iron, calcium, and so on. They have to make a 5 star dish for “the ultimate bug eaters.” The winning chef gets $5000 and immunity during elimination.

They have 20 minutes, starting. . .now! Freaky food flurry! The chefs are pretty grossed out. We get a montage of them boiling bugs, chopping worms, and deep frying crickets. “They’re not very delicious,” one of the ladies says. John C. is grilling scorpions, his first bug serving experience since shoving them in his brother’s mouth against his will when they were kids. He giggles, then adds “and I’m sorry for that, Richard.” Alex tries to be philosophical about it, saying that the first time someone cracked open an oyster they were probably like “should I eat this?” Hugh says the fact that he hasn’t won yet has been “buggin’” him. Oh, Hugh.

Mary Sue tells us she’ll eat any kind of eyeball, brain…”but not bugs.” Suvir says that as a Hindu “butchering animals is something I can’t do.” So he’s serving his greenworm with a torch so the diners can cook it if they like. Time!

In the tasting room, Curtis greets Mykel Hawk and Ruth England from Man, Woman Wild. I know of this show only because of The Soup where they refer to the host as Myke Hawk. Say it fast.

They commence to eating bugs, starting with Naomi’s Tempura Fried Nightcrawlers with Elderflower and Herb Salad, which Ruth says has a bitter aftertaste to it, but Mykel thinks it’s outstanding “best worm I’ve ever eaten.”

Next up is Hugh’s Tempura Fried Crickets, Sunchoke and Carrot Puree, Blood Orange Vinaigrette. Ruth loves it, and Mykel thinks it looks horrible but tastes great. Celina’s Soy Crickets with Salsify Salad is next. Mykel likes the saltiness, but recommends removing the legs for future preparation.

Next is Suvir’s Himalayan Jungle and Market Salad with Live Hornworms. Ruth thinks it’s a cop-out. Mykel is the only one willing to kill and torch the worm. Suvir respects the tasters for indulging him and his dish.

Next we have John’s Grilled scorpion with Smoked Poached Egg and Oyster Root. Mykel thins it works quite well. Mary Sue’s Thai Sunchoke Salad with Toasted Beetle Vinaigrette is next. Curtis likes the crunch. Traci’s Salad with Chipotle-Dusted Fried Scorpion and Aloe Vinagrette follows. Mykel doesn’t like the fact that one of the scorpions “swolled up” during cooking.

They move to Floyd’s Omelet of Nightcrawlers, Amaranth, Roasted Shiitakes and Bacon. Mykel is digging it. Next is Alex’s Angel Hair with Beetles and Flowers. Ruth likes the way the crisp beetles contrast with the soft angel hair. George’s Henworm and Coconut Soup with Lime, Lemongrass, Ginger and Arugula Flowers is next. Mykel says it’s awful tasting. Curtis finally eats a worm after picking around the bugs all day, and turns green. Commercial.

Back. Curtis tells the chefs they really amazed him. Suvir is called out by Ruth as her least favorite. He explains that he can’t take a life. Mykel assures him that it’s “all good.” His least favorite was George’s ginger soup.

They liked Hugh’s crickets and carrot puree and Mary Sue’s salad with beetle vinaigrette. The winner is. . .Hugh for his tempura crickets. He gets $5000 for Wholesome Wave, and immunity. He calls himself “the Phoenix of this competition,” and says his new skills will pay off handsomely when he opens “Hugh’s bug shack.”

We move on to the elimination challenge. Curtis tells them that since they’re all there to make money for their charities, that night they’ll be participating in a special fundraising dinner. They’ve invited fans of the show to a 10 course tasting meal. The guests will select their favorite dish and donate $100 each to that chef’s favorite charity. The winner gets the $10,000 on top of that. They have 3 hours to prep, and there’s no time to shop so they’ll be working with what’s in the pantry. Curtis tells them to expect twists.

Food flurry. Hugh volunteers to take the last dessert since he has immunity. Naomi starts organizing things again, rubbing some people (like Alex) the wrong way.

Celina is making dessert even though her last dessert didn’t go well. George goes to get some water and finds that the taps aren’t working. There’s no running water. Floyd realizes that he’s working with raw fish and can’t wash his hands. George thinks it’s funny that the water is off since he’s competing for water.org. They start harvesting water from the circulators and melting down ice. Suvir says that his zen attitude in the kitchen is probably because he never trained in the kitchen, so it’s a calming space for him.

Curtis comes in and tells them service will start 30 minutes earlier than planned. Hugh advises everyone to simplify their dishes. Suvir is thrown for a loop because his dish has a lot of components. Naomi is strategizing how to organize the servers and everything. Hugh decides to step up and help Naomi, but their instructions seem to contradict each other.

Curtis comes in again and tells them tonight’s waiters won’t be coming, so the “service is entirely up to you. Good luck.” Commercial.

Back. Alex says the loss of waiters is the biggest curveball so far. Naomi says they shouldn’t be working on their courses while service is going on. Traci points out that that’s impossible with the proteins.

The diners begin entering. Hugh yells that they need the first course plated now, and that if after they do that they want to pour the wine that’s on the tables, “that would be a nice thing to do.” Naomi and Hugh yell out orders in the kitchen.

Curtis introduces James Oseland and Danyelle whatsit, and Alan Sitzema from Grub Street who used to be James Oseland’s intern.

The first course comes out and Mary Sue introduces her Tuna Ceviche with Peruvian Aji Amarillo on Plantain Chips. Oseland finds the presentation pleasing, but the flavor is a little flat. Alan says it’s like a “poorly made guacamole.”

Next out is Suvir’s Chaat Salad of Chickpeas and Yogurt with Baby Spinach. Danyelle says it’s delicious, and Alan says the yogurt really rounds out the whole dish. Oseland worries that he’s too much inside his comfort zone. Back in the kitchen, Mary Sue raves about how delicious it is and asks what’s in it. “You’ll copy me for the next challenge; I’m not giving it to you,” Suvir says.

Hm, writing that out raises a question for me: is everything Suvir says actually hilarious, or is just made to seem hilarious because of his over-the-top delivery and charming accent? Is Suvir the Indian Fabio? Will I get really tired of him eventually too?

Next up is George’s Shrimp Alhinho with Pickled Carrot, Red Beets and Vanilla Oil. Oseland says it’s a gorgeous plate of food, and Daneylle says the shrimp is perfectly cooked. Alan likes ‘the tooth of the beet” but Oseland says it’s a bit salty.

Naomi’s simple but beautiful Celery Veloute with Salsa Verde and Lemon Oil is next. “Such a goooooooooooorgeous looking dish,” Oseland raves. Danyelle is surprised by the richness of the soup.

John’s Roasted Shiitake and Prosciutto Risotto with Pine Nuts and Paprika is the next item. Alan doesn’t know if he necessarily likes the crunch of the pinenuts. Oseland thinks John isn’t stretching himself.

Floyd’s Rice Flaked Sole with Roasted Cauliflower, Apple and Sundried Ginger Broth comes out. Oseland finds it “loud and bold and sweet and sharp and fantastic,” but Danyelle finds the broth too assertive.

Floyd worries about the lack of communication between Hugh and Naomi when they’re both trying to boss the whole thing. Commercial.

Back. Fakeback. Everyone tells the stories of the worst thing that happened at their restaurants. Naomi’s power went out and the chefs had to cook by candlelight; Celina lost both bathrooms and had to send guests to the grocery store across the street; John nearly murdered a pastry chef for putting salt on top of crème brulee and then sending it out when he was unable to caramelize it.

Really back. The atmosphere in the kitchen is tense, and suddenly it’s every man for himself. Hugh continues bitching about Naomi’s assertiveness. Alex sends out his Roasted Salmon, Gazpacho Vegetables with Roasted Chili and Tomatillo Sauce. Danyelle’s salmon is perfectly cooked but Oseland is on “this side of being raw.”

Traci’s Roasted Rib Eye and Slow Cooked Broccoli with Red Wine Sauce and Fried Shallots is next. Oseland loves it, but Danyelle finds it “musty” and Alan thinks it’s a little flat. Oseland says they’re too young to appreciate “bold cooked vegetables.”

We head into desserts with Hugh’s Buttermilk Strawberry Panna Cotta with Black Pepper and Champagne Berry Soup. Alan says it has the perfect, firm texture, and Oseland says it’s the perfect bridge from the savory courses to dessert. Finally, we get Celina’s Chocolate Puddin’ with Fleur de Sel and Ginger Cake Donut. Suvir says it tastes like a “canned or plastic wrapped American pudding.” Alan loves her donut, but Oseland and Danyelle find the texture gritty.

The chefs come out and take a round of applause from the judges and diners. The diners all circle their favorite dish from the evening to designate their donations.

The chefs return to the back and wait for Critics’ Table. Curtis comes back and compliments them on working together so well. He calls back Naomi and Suvir. Curtis congratulates them on having the dishes that got the most votes – Naomi got 43% of the vote, so $1800 goes to Seed Savers Exchange. Suvir’s got 40% of the vote, and $1700 for Agricultural Stewardship. The critics compliment both dishes, but the favorite goes to . . .Naomi, who gets an additional $10,000.

Curtis congratulates them and asks them to send back some of their colleagues – Mary Sue, Celina and John. They had the least successful dishes of the night.

Mary Sue acknowledges that her experience so far has been a roller coaster. Oseland tells her the ceviche was a bit bland, and Danyelle says the pickled onions took over. Alan thought John’s risotto was great, but wonders why he did such a straightforward interpretation. Danyelle says his dish didn’t stand out. Celina admits that she doesn’t necessarily love the dessert course. They ding the texture and flavor of the puddin’, and Oseland tells her to “get out of dessertville.”

They’re sent back to the wine room while the critics deliberate. They say essentially the same things they just said – the ceviche didn’t let the fish stand out, the risotto was unambitious, and Celina’s puddin’ was problematic. Commercial.

Back. Danyelle tells Celina that the quality of the cocoa powder took a toll on the pudding. Oseland says John’s risotto was average. Alan tells Mary Sue that she made a good ceviche, but they were expecting a great ceviche. And the chef going home is. . .John. Booooo.

He says he’s glad to have had the opportunity to work with them, and Curtis reminds him that winning a previous quickfire means he still gets $5000 for No Kid Hungry. Ok, that's cheap -- chefs who got bounced without winning anything got a donation made to their charities, but John only gets what he already earned? Booooo.

John interviews that his egg is scrambeled right now. He says that as challenging as the experience is, it’s just a “carnival freak show of magnificence.” He exits to applause, assuring the other chefs that he loves them.

Next time: Sami Brady! Calorie limits of 1500! Get ready for a funeral! Step it up Curtis! Suvir goes on a rant about how bad red meat is right in front of my dish. I would never do that.