Top Chef Masters: Losers, Lectures, and Low-Cal

Ok, I’m just going to come out and say it because time is precious and we all have to wake up early tomorrow and watch two perfectly nice seeming people promise to breed for the purpose of giving us further generations to ogle obsessively:

Anyone else feel like the critics are protecting Mary Sue?

I mean, last week, she made a pickle-y tasting ceviche and stayed. This week, there seemed to be a raft of issues with her egg and hash, and she stayed.

I’m not saying Suvir shouldn’t have been the ouster – he absolutely should’ve, given that he deliberately flouted the intentions of the challenge by making a dish that was nothing like what his client wanted.

But I feel like. . .ok, I feel like this season is trying to get a female Top Chef Master. I’ve already said the chefs for this season seem like a somewhat lower caliber than the past Masters; two clear exceptions to that would be Mary Sue, who’s been asked to be on previous seasons and whose partner was on last season, and Traci des Jardins. I feel like the deck is stacked in their favor already, and with Mary Sue in the bottom group twice now, I feel like they’re hedging the judging a bit to keep her safe in the early rounds.

Anyway. Suvir, I will miss you and your funny delivery that made not so funny lines hilarious. Now all we’ve got in the way of character is Hugh and his trying-too-hard attempts at humor.

The episode as a whole. . .I like the idea of the challenge. It reminds me of the challenge the Top Chef: Original Recipe Season 2 cheftestants did when they cooked for the overweight camp kids. Where it fell down a bit for me was in focusing solely on calories without taking into account any other nutritional factors (vitamin content, protein, fibre, etc) , but that’s where a lot of weight loss shows and programs fall down – hooray! You’ve only eaten 1500 calories today! Yes, it was 1500 calories of artificial sweeteners and chemical replacements that will probably cause your liver and kidneys to shut down just as quickly as any obesity related illness would, but hey, at least you’ll look good in the coffin, amirite?

I will say that it seemed like the chefs did a really nice job of balancing the dishes – none of them were churning out Hungry Girl bullshit where they tried to convince you that a dish of precut packaged coleslaw with canned tomato soup on it was a substitute for a dish of pasta -- but it would have been nice to see that explicated on the show.

(You all almost got treated to a post of Sandra-esque proportions on the whole Hungry Girl phenomenon, but the three episodes of her show I watched gave me such agitta that I couldn’t pull through with enough “research” to make it happen)

The Biggest Loser tie in was sheer corporate synergy, and that’s fine. I don’t want to talk about the show since I haven’t watched it since the first season (Caroline Rhea saying “now it’s time to cut. The Fat” before each elimination was too cruel for me to handle), so I don’t know much about it, or how it’s changed since or anything. But I do know that it’s more successful than the Bachelor franchise in producing relationships. And that some people say it’s less feel good and benign than it comes across on TV. Let’s leave the whole thing at that and get on with this show.

We open with the chefs entering the kitchen to find Curtis standing near a huge table of artisan cheeses. Yum and double yum – both things look delicious in their own cheezy way. Their challenge is to make a masterful cheese dish. Their guest diner is a cheese connoisseur. The winner gets $5000 and immunity. They have 12 minutes to cook. “It takes me longer to shave,” Hugh tells us. Psssst, Hugh: if it takes you 12 minutes to shave, stretch it an extra minute, and toss the patch between your brows in.

Fromage flurry. I love the idea of a cheese challenge because I love cheese (ok: I’m editing this this morning while listening to the weather forecast, and I just wrote “I love the idea of a cheese shower.” Which, much as I love cheese – no. A cheese shower does not sound pleasant). Naomi is cooking a steak to go with her cheese. Traci is making a “cheese carpacio.” She tells us “when you’re cutting a cheese” [heh] “you want to represent the cheese from the core to the rind, because there are different flavor profiles as you go.” Insert rainbow “the more you know” graphic and chimes here.

George says his parents bringing him back cheese from Portugal is what made him a chef. Floyd is basically making elotes. I have mixed feelings about elotes. They taste fine, but I’d rather just have a good ear of corn with butter, salt and pepper, completely unfucked with. Suvir says his dish is “very Calvin Klein rather than Paul Smith.” I have no idea what this means. Mary Sue has made her own tortillas in 12 minutes. Damn, girl. Traci worries that her dish is pedestrian.

Time! The chefs settle in to watch Curtis and Norbert Wabnig from The Cheese Store of Beverly Hills to eat their dishes. I love that there’s a person named Norbert and he owns a cheese store. I actually love even more that his name is Norbert Wabnig. It’s like his parents were thinking of names that went with Wabnig, and realized “look, the poor kid is fucked sideways regardless,” and so slapped Norbert on him to boot. Anyway, Norbert hopes there’s a balance between cheese and the other elements of the dish.

They begin with Suvir’s Cheese Pakora Two Ways: Mozzarella Di Bufala and Gouda, Tamarind Chutney. “I wonder who made it,” Mary Sue giggles. Norbert isn’t crazy about the presentation. Next we have Celina’s Manchego, Crispy Carrot, Fig, Golden Raisin and Sherry. Norbert thinks it’s very good.

Next is Hugh’s Crisp Camellia Goat Cheese, Fried Quail Egg, Pepper Salad, and Hazelnut Vinaigrette, which Norbert finds “stunning” except for the egg. “Have you had an omelet?” Hugh asks the monitoring screen sarcastically. It’s followed by Naomi’s Chaumes Cheese Toast, Skirt Steak, Apples, Onions, and Balsamic Vinaigrette which Norbert finds “quite good.” “I think it’s a brilliant idea, and I LOVE the cheese.”

I feel like Curtis throws his own opinion into the quickfire judging a lot more than K-Choi ever did. I understand it during the Elimination, since he’s meant to be a host and judge like Padma and Gail rather than just a figurehead like Choi, but there are times – particularly during this challenge – where it feels like he’s really trying to steer the guest judge with his remarks.

We move to Mary Sue’s Cojita and Gouda Cheese Empanada with Tomatillo Salsa. Norbert likes it. George’s Onion and Grana Padano Gratin, Quail Egg, Grilled Bread, and Asparagus is next, but Norbert thinks there’s too much onion. I think there’s too much Quail Egg – this is the second one already -- but my only Quail Egg experience was a negative one (the only negative experience I’ve ever had at Komi), so I’m biased.

Alex has made a Rocchetta and Prosciutto Quesadilla, Pickled Asparagus, and Fried Quail Egg.More Quail Egg? Barf. Find a chicken, people. It has “intense flavor” but “not enough cheese.” The next dish is Floyd’s Cojita Elote: Corn on the Cob, Crème Fraiche, Cojita Cheese and Cayenne Pepper. “A little too much of that pepper,” Norbert says.

Finally, they have Traci’s Colombier and Prosciutto Carpaccio, Arugula, and Croutons. “The cheese truly comes through,” Norbert raves. He thinks all the dishes were very inventive.

He and Curtis move into the kitchen to share his least favorites: Floyd’s elote “went too heavy” with the cayenne, and the onions overpowered George’s dish. Naomi’s Chaum and Traci’s dish are praised, but the winner is . . .Traci! She thanks the cheese for her win, and gets $5000 for La Cocina and immunity. Floyd is pissed that she won for just putting cheese on a plate. Commercial.

Back! Curtis says that as chefs, they constantly strive to create new and exciting dishes. Now they have to do that while creating beautiful food for a calorie conscious diet. He calls in trainers Cara and Brett and Hostess Sami Brady from the Biggest Loser. Wait, who are these Cara and Brett people? I thought the trainers were Mean Jillian and Nice Bob? Granted, I haven’t watched an episode since Caroline Rhea was the host, so I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Anyway, the challenge is to give the Biggest Loser contestants what they’re craving. A tray rolls out with the contestants’ pre-diet favorites – 3 breakfasts, 3 lunches, and 3 dinners, all superladen with fat and calories. The chefs will form 3 teams and prepare new versions of the contestants favorites, making up a full day’s dishes under 1500 calories.

They’re assigned their dishes in the order they’ve lined up, so Naomi gets French Toast with eggs and sausage patties; Celina lands bacon egg and bagel sandwich; and Mary Sue gets corned beef hash. For the lunch group, Traci lands a Chinese buffet (a whole buffet? That seems like an uneven challenge when everyone has one specific dish to make); Floyd gets a meatball sub; and Hugh ends up with roast beef with potatoes. There’s apparently some flexibility in which courses are lunch/dinner, since Alex and Hugh seem to have flipped courses by the time they present, but next we have Alex handed a fried chicken combo with creamed corn and other fixins; Suvir gets a bacon cheeseburger with fries, and George lands the deep dish pizza supreme. AND each team will have to make brownies as well.

The contestants from the Biggest Loser come out and talk to the chefs who have their favorite dishes about what they like about them. Rulan, the French Toast guy has a nostalgic reaction to French Toast. Floyd’s guy, Jay, is from the next town over from his, and they talk about using spice to get more flavor from less calories. Floyd talks about his son’s own struggles with weight.

Alex meets with Fried Chicken loving Hannah, who has lost a shitton of weight and is stunning. Alex tells her about losing 90 pounds after he got cancer. He says helping her would be the greatest thing he could get out of Top Chef Masters. Floyd’s lady, Irene – also stunning – studies in a bar a lot, so she loves pub food. Suvir talks her around to a veggie burger.

The chefs split into teams to sort out how to use their 1500 calories. Floyd, is happy to have George and Naomi on his team. Naomi’s a bit worried because they all have bread/carb heavy dishes.

Hugh, Celina, and Traci are another team. Traci plans on doing “kelp noodles” as part of her Chinese Buffet makeover. “Call them ‘really cool interesting noodles,’” Hugh cautions her, because yeah, kelp noodles sound disastrous.

The final team is Alex, Mary Sue, and Suvir. Their strategy is to do their dishes individually, count up the calories and see what they have left for dessert.

Shopping! The chefs make a late night trip to Whole Foods where they have 30 minutes to shop, and Cara and Brett are on hand to help them count calories. George wincingly buys low fat cheeses. Celina looks at the calorie count on a bagel and talks about her charity Harvesters. “If I vere chickpeas vhere vould I be?” Suvir wonders. I’m going to make that my meditation next time I drag my lazy ass to yoga – if I were chickpeas, where would I be? Naomi is making syrup out of Stevia and is nervous because this is uncharted waters for her. Commercial.

Back. They have an hour and a half to cook and a nutritionist on hand for each team to count their calories for them. Floyd’s team has agreed to keep their dishes each under 500 calories so they have room left for dessert. Hugh is trying to make a dish that’s like someone took “a shrink gun” to his client’s favorite food. Suvir talks about the farm he and his partner have in upstate New York, and the Agricultural Stewardship Association. Mary Sue worries about walking the line between meeting the requirements and meeting the critics’ expectations.

The critics, Sami Brady, and the Biggest Losers enter. As breakfast prepares to go out, Naomi worries that the Stevia has given her food a “weird, bitter aftertaste.” That is probably both the worst and most refreshing piece of product placement I have ever seen on television. Stevia: low in calories; weird, bitter aftertaste. (Has anyone seen that new Morgan Spurlock movie? I’m very curious).

The critics are once again Danyelle, Oseland, and Alan. And breakfast is served: Naomi introduces her French Toast, Berries, Scrambled Eggs, and Turkey Bacon; Mary Sue explains her Turkey-Vegetable Hash and Poached Egg; and Celina has made her Turkey Bacon and Egg Whites on Ezekiel Bagel with Vegetables.

Rulan says the French Toast makes him think of his mom. Sami Brady likes the Stevia syrup, and Alan says it has the “nice sweetness” he was looking for. That’s how you do product placement, Naomi.

Curtis loves Mary Sue’s egg, but it’s a bit underdone for Sami Brady’s taste. The Losers are happy about the Ezekial Bread Celina replaced the bagel with because it has added protein (product placement – yes!), but Curtis finds it dry (product placement – no!), and Oseland says that it really makes him want “fat and salt” (NBC synergy – fail!).

Lunch is next, and Alex has forgotten to put applesauce in the cornbread. He worries that it’ll be dry. They present Floyd’s Buffalo Meatball, Farro, Spinach, Cheese, Tomato Sauce, and Asparagus. Ok, pause for a moment because that sounds DIVINE. I love the hell out of Buffalo – I always feel guilty about eating it, since it was my high school mascot, but it’s freaking delicious. I may have to give this recipe a shot. Anyway, the other courses are Alex’s Oven Fried Chicken, Sweet Potato Puree, Cream Corn and Corn Bread (which looks like a hospital tray, everything in various shades of beige), and Traci’s Beef and Broccoli, Cabbage Salad, Rice, and Wonton Soup.

Oseland says Floyd’s meatball “packs a wallop of flavor” and it is complicated and delicious. Curtis worries that he’ll have to step it up the next time he cooks at the Biggest Loser ranch. Hannah loves the fried chicken, but Oseland says the corn muffin doesn’t have the right texture, and Alan doesn’t think the oven friend chicken is a terrific substitute for fried chicken. Oseland finds Traci’s buffet “a pleasing little mouthful.” Alan says it only satisfies “some of the cravings you have when you want a Chinese buffet.”

The dinner group brings their dishes out: first is George’s Whole Wheat Pizza with Tomato Coulis, Smoked Mozzarella and Vegetables (NOM)); then Suvir presents his Veggie Burger and Asian Slaw. He follows this up with a lecture about the horrors of red meat “red meat is a direct enemy of our hearts and our arteries,” he says. Hugh is pissed that he made this speech right before he got to present his roast beef. Commercial.

Back. Hugh tells them about his Flank Steak, Fingerling Potatoes, and Asparagus Salad which he tells us is “not as sinister as Suvir is making it out to be.” Curtis thanks them and dismisses them. “Maybe you don’t do that right in front of when I’m doing red meat,” Hugh says to Suvir once the doors close. “I would never do that,” he says to Suvir. “I’m sinister, you did plenty,” Suvir says, waving his hands madly.

Sami Brady loves all the veggies on George’s pizza, and Curtis loves the intense flavor from the smoked mozzarella. Irene who wanted the burger says that the veggie burger tastes “potato-y. I like my meat.” Alan loves Hugh’s Flank steak and Irene jokes about putting a portion of the steak on top of her burger to get the meat fix.

We don’t get to hear about anyone’s dessert, but unless we hear about their total calories: the Blue team (Naomi, Floyd, and George) had 1221 calories; Red (Celina, Hugh, and Traci) brought it in at 1263; and the Green Team (Mary Sue, Alex, and Floyd) had 1368.

The chefs settle into the wine room. “It really kicks your butt when you’ve got to cook without any of your normal tricks,” Mary Sue says. “You mean like 5 tons of fat?” Traci jokes. Curtis appears and calls the blue team back to the table.

They are the winning team. They cut nearly 4000 calories from their original items. Naomi talks about how moved she was by her client’s story. Alan tells George his pizza was extremely satisfying. Danyelle tells Floyd his sub was “sexy and exotic.” And Oseland tells Naomi she did a terrific job with the French Toast. And the overall favorite from their team is. ..

. .Floyd! Yay! He gets $10,000 for the Young Scientist Cancer Research Fund.

They return to the wine room, and everyone applauds Floyd's win. George sends back Suvir, Mary Sue, and Alex. They had the weakest dishes.

Suvir says he used his dish to make a statement even though he knew Irene might not like it. Alan thinks he cooked to his strengths, but also cooked for himself and not the diner. Curtis thought it was good, but thinks his statement comparing the increase in meat intake to the obesity epidemic was a bit of a stretch.

Mary Sue explains how she slow-poached her egg. Alan says she got a nice even cook on it, but the yolk didn’t become the sauce the way he wanted it to. Danyelle says her hash mimicked corn beef, but should’ve had a finer dice.

Danyelle didn’t like Alex’s cornbread. He agrees that he shouldn’t have sent it out knowing it was subpar. Oseland wasn’t crazy about the texture of the chicken itself, saying it wasn’t moist. Alex is confused, since he’d thought the yogurt would’ve kept it moist.

The critics deliberate. Oseland says Alex’s sides were “terrible. He turned cream corn into this bizarre baby food consistency thing, that was weirdly sweet and didn’t even taste like corn.” Alan points out that the challenge was to satisfy the Losers’ cravings, and that Hannah herself was satisfied. “I was perplexed by that,” Oseland says sneerily.

Curtis points out that Alex tried to stay as close to the original as possible, and Suvir took a different strategy altogether. Danyelle calls his dish “a lecture on a plate,” and Oseland says the pita was “cold and tough and really unamazing.” Between this and “undelcious” in the Christina Hendricks episode, I’m beginning to think Oseland is a fan of made up words.

Alan dings Mary Sue for always being “good, not great,” and Danyelle agrees that she just keeps playing it safe. In the back, Mary Sue worries that she can’t take “another minute in front of those. . .judges.” Commercial.

Back. Presumably I fast forwarded through the fakeback somewhere in there but. . .meh. Anyway, the bottom 3 are still staring down the judges. Curtis tells them that their team served the least favorite meals. Suvir’s burger had none of the juicy succulence they needed; Oseland was aware with every mouthful of Alex’s that he was eating low cal food, and Mary Sue’s didn’t rise to the level it needed to.

And Suvir is out. Curtis reminds him that he’s won $7800 for The Agricultural Stewardship Association. Oseland applauds his humanitarian goals, but thinks that doesn’t excuse bland, boring food.

Suvir says if he’d done what Hugh did with red meat, he would’ve failed himself and everyone who’s ever invested in him. He says he couldn’t have left at a higher point since he left for his convictions.

Next: Today you’ll be taking over the drivethru. I’ve got radio silence here. We’re never going to get our food.