Top Chef Masters: Masters, Mad Men, Meatballs, and My Milkshake

I’m secretly relieved that I’m not Haiku-ing out the Top Chef Masters Cheftestants, because there’s no way I could think of a haiku for Sue. I mean, I don’t think we even heard her name on screen last week, and this week she’s gone. What’s a girl to do?

I’m also not feeling much in the way of introductory writing at the moment, for which I apologize. See, I have that weird pulse in your eye thing going on, which is unsettling enough to begin with, but in my case it’s been going on on and off since Monday, and it’s really freaking me out.

So…goodbye, Sue. Hello, Christina Hendricks, whom I love. Hello, your scruffy husband, who always kind of weirds me out. Welcome back, Hugh. And thank you, Bravo, for getting “Milkshake” stuck in my head.

We open as the Masters all file into the kitchen, minus John S, who has unfortunately had to drop out of the competition due to an unspecified emergency. At first I’m kind of jazzed that this means we’re down to ten contestants after only two weeks, but of course, nothing in life or reality TV is that simple. So Hugh gets to come back, and Cliff O’Neill can now have his unibrow jokes back for at least another week or so. Curtis feels like it worked out for a reason since the critics felt torn about letting him go. The critics have been vocal about the fact that they disagreed with the diners who picked the winning restaurant – both during the episode and since its airing – so I can only imagine that making that decision had to be a wrench.

Anyway, it’s time for the quickfire: they have to make a meatball dish in 30 minutes. Sounds easy, right? They have all manner of meats to choose from, and they have to use a hand crank meat grinder. Their diner is Grammy nominated recording artist Kellis, who is also a trained chef and loves meatballs.

In fact, you might even say her meatballs bring all the boys to the yard.

Sorry. It was pretty much an obligation.

Sue tells us that Kellis’s “milkshake brings all the boys to my yard.” I don’t know if that’s an innuendo. Is that an innuendo? If so, it’s maybe a kind of inept one since it doesn’t make a whole ton of sense.

Floyd starts working with French bread, which makes him think of his son, who loves meatball subs. He’s competing for the Young Scientist Cancer Research Fund at Mt. Sinai, which brings the number of charities we’ve heard about to. . . 3. Out of 11. Naomi Pomeroy tells us she’s known for meat, and then we see all sorts of artsy shots of her toting pigs around in the tender light of dawn, presumably before she takes them off somewhere nice and private and turns them into delicious foodstuffs in totally humane ways. The chefs all struggle with their grinders. Celina is determined to finish this time since she didn’t complete their first quickfire. 14:40 left. Floyd thinks they’re screwed.

5 minutes! Naomi opens her milk with her teeth. John is making a Vietnamese chicken meatball. Suvir looks at everyone else running around frantically and smiles at his beautiful shoes. Or something. It’s very . . .wise and enigmatic. And the shoes are really something.

Time! The chefs all go and sit down while Kellis goes to sample their meatballs, beginning with Sue’s Spicy Pork Meatball, Spicy Tomato Sauce. Kellis says the cheese in the middle is a nice surprise. She thinks George’s Chicken and Short Rib Meatball, Spicy Tomato Broth is “an interesting take” but she doesn’t love the broth. “No milkshake for you,” Suvir tells George.

Next is Alex’s Spicy Lamb Meatball, Toasted Fruit and Almond Couscous, which she calls very good, but she’s not crazy about the non-edible garnish. “Well, I don’t like your songs,” Alex snaps at the CCTV screen showing them Kellis. This is maybe the best thing about Masters – that the quickfire judge can’t see them reacting to the judging, so they can react any way they like. Kellis turns to Floyd’s Fried Beef and Bacon Meatball Sandwich with Asian Slaw, which she finds overpoweringly salty. Floyd says this is because she won’t eat it with the bread.

Kellis moves to Traci’s Tarragon Chicken Meatball Consommé, which she finds mild. Traci’s also ticked about the way she’s eating it because she’s not using a spoon, and because she thinks the tarragon is dill and wonders why she can’t taste the dill. After that comes Mary Sue’s Turkey Albondigas Soup with Toasted Pumpkin Seeds and Manchego Cheese. She loves the flavor, and Curtis thinks it tastes really healthy.

John’s Vietnamese Chicken Meatball is next. She makes an odd face, and then says “that’s wonderful” in a monotone. Suvir’s Indiana [sic, Bravo interns – because Indiana is known for its spices??] Spiced Meatball, Tamarind Glaze is next. She loves the texture and the tamarind glaze. Then we have Hugh’s Lamb Merguez, Shitake Slaw and Yogurt. She doesn’t love the combination of the yogurt and the pepper sauce. He finds her criticism pointless. Mary Sue feels really stressed out. Commercial!

Back! Kellis says her least favorites were George’s chicken and shortrib, which was an odd combination and she found the broth “show offy.” This may be the dumbest judging ever – how is broth “show offy?” Broth is broth. She would’ve found Floyd’s beef loin better if it had been less salty. He tells her that she was hoping she’d eat it with the bread, and she replies that it should’ve stood on its own. What? She thought the flavors in Hugh’s were battling each other.

On the other hand: she loved Sue’s classic meatball, and thought everything in John’s worked well together. She also loved the sweet and spicy flavors in Suvir’s tamarind meatball. But the winner is…John’s Vietnamese meatball! He gets $5000 for Share Our Strength’s No Kid Hungry. Yay!! That's four! Four charities! Oh how I love to count charities!

Curtis dismisses Kellis, and tells the chefs about their elimination challenge, for which they’ll be going back to the ‘60s. This makes Mary Sue think of “3 martini lunches and cheese fondue.”

They’ll be exploring classic dishes from the time. They draw fondue forks with numbers that are linked to dishes like Chicken ala King, Beef Wellington, and so on. Floyd gets Ambrosia, and has no idea what it is. People tell him “oh, it’s this really crappy dish from the sixties.”

Ok, fuck all y’all Masters. I love Ambrosia. I don’t care if it’s clichéd or hackneyed or ‘murrrrrrrikin, I fucking love it. I would eat it all day every day if that was permissible, and I can’t wait to kill about a gallon of it at Easter dinner.

Curtis then introduces Christina Hendricks and her husband, Geoffery Arend from Body of Proof. This is the first time I’ve known what Christina Hendricks’ husband was “known” for, so thanks for that, Bravo. They want the Masters to update the dishes to something more modern, because Christina hates ‘60s food after being surrounded by it at a zillion different Mad Men events for the last few years. So they’ll be making the classic dish and an updated version as appetizers to serve to forty guests.

The Masters are sent out to Whole Foods for 45 minutes of shopping on a $200 budget. John is examining the oysters for his Rockefeller. He says drawing this dish is “a fastball straight down the center” since he’s from new Orleans. Sue is happy to have Duck a l’Orange because she made it as a child. She’s playing for the Louisiana SPCA. We are hearing way too much from Sue after not even getting her name aloud in the episode last week. She’s clearly going home.

Mary Sue wants to take chances with her devilled eggs since she played it safe on the last challenge. Floyd is still asking what ambrosia is. People apparently tell him that it’s whipped cream (no) Marshmallows and toasted (no) coconut with canned fruit. Wrong, wrong, and wrong, assholes. It’s sour cream or yogurt, marshmallows, regular coconut (if you must – I prefer not to), and canned fruit.

They jump back into their product placement vehicles and hit the kitchens for 2.5 hours of prep. Hugh says it’s fun to have a second chance, but it would be very embarrassing to lose the first and the second time. Suvir is preparing Veal Oscar which is “fatty and rich and quite flavorless. But that is, I guess, part of the ‘60s in America.” Alex has never made bread pudding before. Seriously? I would expect making bread pudding to be a prerequisite to admission to culinary school, not something a Master chef has never done in all their years of experience.

Celina likes classic ‘60s food. Me too, Celina. Let’s sit over here in the corner and eat delicious ‘60s food and drink some Manhattans and to hell with the rest of these types. Traci is deconstructing beef stroganoff. Floyd’s modern ambrosia is based on a mousse his wife makes. Naomi feels trepidation about grasshopper pie, and she feels like she’s been cursed with the dessert bug. Alex sees other people still running around, and wonders if he’s forgotten something. John is worried that he won’t really know what he has in terms of oysters until the next day since he can’t open them the night before. Commercial.

Back. The chefs head to Tar Restaurant with an hour and a half to prep and cook. Alex recaps that they’re cooking for Christina Hendricks -- “beautiful woman, gorgeous and a great actress and a great show. And her husband Geoffery.” OUCH. But probably pretty much how everyone views them.

There’s not enough workspace in the kitchen, and no room to plate and a high level of pressure. Suvir and Sue are basically forced out due to lack of space. The only cooking space left for Suvir is the deep fryer. Augh, deep fried veal sounds like a nightmare. They decide to help the others get done so they can get them out of the way.

The guests enter, including Paul Kinsey from Mad Men, who I have a secret guilty crush on because I know the world thinks Paul Kinsey is a bastard, but I’ve always had a soft spot for him because I feel like his bastardy often arises out of his kind of getting a raw deal for one reason or another, and I’ve wondered what happened to him since he was left behind at the former Sterling-Cooper when the rest of the cast went off to Sterling-Cooper-Draper-Price. Anyway, the critics are also there. Ruth Reichl is impossibly poorly groomed – she should be ejected from a Mad Men-centric party for failing to bring her cape of hair up to par. They begin getting cocktails.

Mary Sue is plating her eggs under the table because of the space issue. John has some oyster issues, so he’s serving pickled oysters for his modern interpretation. They serve first, with John’s Oysters Rockefeller and Mignonette Pickled Oyster, Horseradish Crème Fraîche, Collards and Spicy Bacon, and Mary Sue’s Deviled Eggs and Japanese Style Poached Egg, Umeboshi and Mustard Miso Mayonnaise. Christina finds John’s oyster “comforting and warm.” Christina thinks Mary Sue’s egg is amazing but it doesn’t make her think deviled egg. Paul Kinsey comes over and asks Christina which one the “traditional” Oysters Rockefeller was. Paul Kinsey is angling for more camera time now that he’s not on the hit show anymore, but who can blame him?

Next up we have George’s Chicken Á La King and Roasted Chicken Breast, Lemon Yogurt, Vegetables and Biscuit and Traci’s Beef Stroganoff and Steak Tartare and Fried Noodles. Ruth Reichl and her terribly styled hair find the bread in the chicken a bit soggy, but everyone else thinks she’s an idiot. Christina doesn’t know if there’s enough of a mushroom flavor in the Stroganoff, and Geoffrey says the noodles are what stands out and he’s not sure that’s the best thing.

Suvir pulls his veal out of the deep fryer and thinks he made a mistake. Sue only gets half of her plates plated. They take their dishes to the critics, and Suvir presents his deep fried takes on Veal Oscar, which Bravo’s website doesn’t even bother describing, while Sue apologizes for her takes on Duck a l’Orange, which they also don’t bother describing, and which is incomplete. Suvir stands up for Sue, saying that she was tripped up by her own generosity in helping others.

The critics begin tasting with the veal, which is tough and dried out. Aw. Oseland is verklempt about Sue’s bad kitchen experience. Other people say things, but I’m too distracted by Ruth Reichl’s awful hair.

Next out from the kitchen we have Celina’s Coq Au Vin and Chicken Frisée Salad, Pickled Shallots and Carrots, Bacon Vinaigrette and Hugh’s Beef Wellington and Filet Mignon, Mushroom Espuma and Crisp Puff Pastry. “I went lighter on the salt,” he assures the critics. Some find the vinegar in the modernized coq too acidic, but Geoffery and Christina like it. Ruth Reichl’s dreadful hair thinks Hugh’s dish is the opposite of a Wellington, but that’s kind of what he intended since he did a deconstruction of the elements.

We enter the world of desserts with Floyd’s Ambrosia Salad and Grilled Peppered Pineapple with Mango, Coconut and Orange Custard, Alex’s Bread Pudding and Chai-Spiced Custard, Panettone and Roasted Apple Salad, and Naomi’s Grasshopper Pie and Chocolate Mint Soufflé Cake with Toasted Kirsch Marshmallow.

Christina finds the ambrosia whimsical and Geoffery loves the pecan at the bottom. Christina thinks Alex’s bread pudding is “all sauce.” She thinks the mint in the grasshopper pie is a bit off, but Oseland would eat it at any cocktail party. Paul Kinsey goes around stealing people’s cherries (that’s what she said). I still find him charming, in a bastardy way. Commercial.

Fakeback. Suvir tells us about his farm in upstate New York.

Back. Critics’ Table. Mary Sue, Floyd, and John file in. They are the top 3. Oseland tells them all they did a fantastic job. Ruth Reichl was really blown away (maybe that’s why her hair looks so shitty), and Danyelle whatsername says they made “sexy finger foods.” Then they say nice things about each of the dishes, but the winner, who receives $10,000 for their charity is. . .Mary Sue and Share Our Strength!

So maybe this is why we’re only hearing about two or three charities per episode – 90% of the chefs are playing for Share Our Strength. Which is a great charity, but you do have to admit it would’ve been awful last episode if they’d all come in and said “my name is X, I have Y years of experience, and I’m playing on behalf of Share Our Strength.”

They’re sent back to the kitchen and told to send back some of their colleagues. Floyd tells Sue, Alex, and Suvir that they’re getting the hook.

The bottom 3 enter the chamber of doom. Sue knows she’s there because she didn’t get her food onto the plate in time. Danyell wonders why she was helping everyone else. Oseland kind of chokes up when he says she was obviously having a rough day at the office. Ruth Reichl’s embarrassing hair says she didn’t’ show a real difference between the two dishes.

Oseland says Suvir’s veal was like shoe leather. Suvir talks about the divas taking up the space in the kitchen, and refuses to name who said divas are.

Ruth Reichl’s awful mom hair thinks Alex should’ve done more with his bread pudding. The three of them are sent back to the kitchen while the critics deliberate. Oseland makes a strong case for Sue’s dishes tasting “fine” incomplete or not. Danyell takes the opposite tack of saying that Suvir met and completed the challenge even though his veal was awful. Oseland and Danyell both hated Alex’s bread pudding, though Danyell thinks it wasn’t “quite as bad” as the veal. “Tough decision, but it sounds like you’ve made one,” Curtis smarms as we cut to commercial.

Back. Ruth Reichl’s dreadful bangs remind Sue that her plates were incomplete. Oseland tells Alex his puddings were disappointing and “undelicious” and Danyell tells Suvir that his veal was too tough for words.

And the chef to be eliminated is. . Sue. She’s disappointed, but she understands. She says she’ll take away a lot of great memories and friendships, and she wishes everyone the best of luck. She knows that the women are going to take it and the boys had better watch out.

Next time: bugs! No waiters! It’s certainly not going to win any beauty prizes. She’s just trying to take total control and so am I. You motherfuckers set your own damn table.