Top Chef Masters: Well, That Was...Different.

Oh, kids. I don’t know how I feel about this.

There are things I’ve really loved about Masters. I’ve loved that they usually have such a nice camaraderie between them. I’ve loved the gentler pace of getting to know a handful of chefs and a handful of their charities each week. I’ve loved Gael Greene’s hat.

Except for the camaraderie, so far all of that seems to have been sucked out of this season. We’ve switched to a format like the regular Top Chef, so instead of the tournament style, they’re just all thrown at you at once.

And it sucks. Usually in the first episode of Masters you know who the contestants in the first heat are, and which charities they’re representing. This time around, I might have heard some of the chefs names once; I have no idea who a few of them are; and we’ve been told the name of exactly three charities.

And there’s no Gael Green’s hat. WHAT WILL I DO WITHOUT THE HAT????

That said, there were good things about the episode too. I like the twist of opening with Restaurant Wars – throw the heavy shit at them right out of the gate. And the elimination challenge was interesting, in that I don’t know if the judges have ever disagreed with the diners so explicitly in a challenge where the diners had the say.

Curtis Stone. . .I’m going to hold my opinion on that for a minute. I don’t know how he’s suddenly everywhere when ten minutes ago he was in some sort of cabinetry commercial, but what are you going to do? And it’s not like I’m going to miss K-Choi, except for the opportunity of writing K-Choi. Ruth Reichl. . .has a great deal of hair. And no hats. And she’s not Gael Greene.

Anyway. I want to wrap this up before bed tonight so I can wake up tomorrow and just get shit done. So let’s go over what we’ve got.

We open with the traditional running of the Masters where we learn some of their names, but not all. There are some people whose names I only hear when their dishes are announced during the elimination round. But we do meet John Currance; Suvir Saran, who jokes that the decision to compete came after he was bitten by a rabid dog; John Sedlar; Alex Stratta, who has willed that he will win Top Chef Masters; Traci des Jardins; Mary Sue Milliken; Naomi Pomeroy, who says she’s a care taker, but demanding; and Hugh Acheson, who says he’s the “white swan.”

Curtis Stone wanders in and greets them. Mary Sue Milliken is excited to have a chef as the host of the show. Curtis says some product placement shill stuff about the kitchen and how it’s equipped, and then already, it’s time for the quickfire. They’ll go head to head against the chef standing next to them. Everyone chooses one mystery box and will make a dish incorporating their box’s ingredient and that of their competitor. The winner gets $5000 for their charity and immunity from elimination. They have 20 minutes, and time starts. . .now!

Mystery box flurry! Celina Tio has canned corn beef, and her competitor Suvir has marshmallows. Suvir is insulted by the ingredients because he’s a true master. Other pairs have chicken liver and popcorn; sardines and dragon fruit; cockles and marmite; black licorice and peanut butter; and frog legs and cottage cheese. John Currance says watching Mary Sue cook is like ballet. And there we get to what I still like about Masters (so far) – the respect they seem to have for each other.

5 minutes! Panic in the Masters’ Kitchen! Time! Naomi didn’t finish her dish, nor did Celina, nor John Currance, who forgot to put his cottage cheese ranch on the plate.

Commercial!

Back! James Oseland and Ruth Reichl are there to judge the quickfire. They start

with the Frogs Legs and Cottage Cheese pairs – Mary Sue’s Chili Cottage Cheese Cake Meunière and John’s Buffalo Frog Legs. Oseland wants more “Buffalo oomph” with John’s frog’s legs. Mary Sue wins.

Marshmallows and corned beef are next, represented by Suvir’s Corned Beef and Marshmallow Chaat. Oseland says it has a loathsome texture, but Celina put out an empty plate, so Suvir wins.

Next they have Hugh’s Pan-Seared Sardines with Dragon Fruit Salad and Naomi’s empty plate. Naomi is mortified not to have finished; Hugh gets the win.

We move on to Alex’s Cockles and Leek Soup with Marmite, in which Oseland says there’snot enough Marmite. It’s against Floyd’s Marmite Soup with Cockles, which wins.

Finally, we hear about Traci’s Two salads: Celery Salad with Peanut Butter Vinaigrette, Licorice, and Orange Salad. They’re against John S’s Bacon Licorice Peanut Butter Hors D’Oeuvre. Oseland would eat John’s dish if he was wasted, but the salads win.

They head back to the kitchen to givethe results. James says their favorites were Mary Sue's cottage cheese cake and Traci’s duo of salads. And the winning dish belongs to. . .Traci’s two salads. I think that’s kind of bullshit – she didn’t really make a dish that incorporated both ingredients – she made one dish for each ingredient. But she gets $5000 for La Cocina.

Now it’s time to hear about the elimination challenge – Restaurant Wars! It’s the first time they’ve done it on Top Chef Masters, because it wouldn’t have gone with the tournament format. That’s a narrow definition, though – they haven't done Restaurant Wars, but they did Wedding Wars last season. Anyway, the winning chefs from the quickfire are put on team red while the losers are team blue. Each chef must be responsible for one dish, and the diners will select the winning team.

The chefs split out to their teams and walk into the restaurant space. Naomi takes charge of team blue, dictating their style of service even though Celina thinks her idea sucks.

Hugh says his group looks like a “joke somebody’s grandfather would tell. Two Indians, two Americans, a Canadian and a Portuguese guy walk into a bar.” They name their restaurant Mosaic. Traci is unstressed because she has immunity, and agrees to do front of house. Floyd is designated to lead in the kitchen. George Mendes thinks their team is too scattered right now. Traci wants him to chill.

That evening the chefs all head out to do their shopping – 3 from each team to Restaurant Depot, the others to Whole Foods. There’s some Sprint phone product placement where they talk about using apps to check their lists. Hugh grabs some giant tinned scallops, and talks about how he never went to culinary school and ended up a chef because “cooking paid the bills a lot better than political philosophy did.”

Back in the kitchen, they have two hours to prep. The blue team names their restaurant Leela, which means a moment of enlightenment. Alex is concerned about the seating and the number of courses. We get a rundown of their dishes.

Over on the Mosaic side, Suvir tastes something that Mary Sue and Traci hold for him. “Every man needs a woman to take care of him,” he says “I need two.”

Alex tells us about his charity, Faster Cures, which he supports because he is a cancer survivor. John C worries that Alex needs to step it up. Naomi thinks the quickfire winners look like the winning team because they’ve broken their tasks down into a brigade system. She wonders how the hell her team is going to come together. Commercial.

Back. The Masters return to the kitchen where they have 3 hours to cook for 50 guests. Suvir worries that people are overcomplicating things. “When you become Masters, you make magic from nothing,” he tells us sagely. He’s going to be a hoot, I can tell. Alex says he’s going for it, and will not be the first one to go.

Mary Sue can’t find her unsweetened chocolate, so has to figure out how much to reduce the sugar by in her recipe. George tells Hugh his potatoes taste fantastic. Hugh tells George he has great hair.

Time! The diners begin entering Leela where Naomi welcomes them, trying to engage with each customer. Traci is shocked by the other team’s method of serving all at once.

The judges hit Mosaic first with guest judge Danyelle Freeman from Restaurant Girl. The first courses are Traci’s Warm Bread Salad with Artichokes and Burrata and Hugh’s Scallops with Grits, Leeks, Scallions, Peppers, and Pancetta. Oseland says it’s the biggest scallop he’s seen in his life, and that it’s intensely salty and undercooked. Ruth Reichl says Traci’s salad “epitomizes what is great about California American cooking.”

The second course is George’s Salmon Confit with Saffron-Fennel Purée and Smoked Potato Purée and Floyd’s Spice Braised Short Ribs with Oat Risotto. Curtis says George has done a good job with the salmon, and Oseland loves the subtly smoky taste of the potatoes. He’s not sold on Floyd’s oat risotto (the entire time, I thought they were saying haute risotto), but Reichl loves it.

For dessert, they get Mary Sue’s Signature Chocolate Cake with Lemon Purée and Suvir’s Pear and Berry Cobbler with a Buttermilk Biscuit. Reichl loves the cobbler because it has a nice touch of spice. Oseland says Mary Sue’s is a “supermarket cupcake” and that it’s too moist and too dense.

Let’s point out that Freeman has said nothing so far. Not a word.

The judges mosey over to Leela, where they’re left waiting at the host stand. Curtis asks about the strategy of seating everyone at once. He tells the other critics he would fire his maitre d’ if they did something like that.

Their first courses are Alex’s Celery Root, Potato and Spinach Fricassée and John C’s Sweet Potato and Peanut Soup with Spicy Chicken Liver Mousse. Freeman finally speaks, saying that the Fricassee is amazing, and she loves the texture. Reichl thinks the heat in the soup is “not fair” to the other elements of the dish.

In the kitchen, something catches fire. The judges wait impatiently for the next course, Oseland calls Naomi and asks where the food is. Leela is feeling the pressure.

They finally bring out Sue’s Halibut and Scallop with Glazed Pearl Onions, Artichokes and Pesto and John S’s Lamb Rack with Jicama, Apple and Lime Salad. Oseland says the halibut is a pretty plate of food, and Reichl likes the pesto beurre blanc, but thinks it’s hotel food. They all think the lamb is rare to the point of being raw, and they find labels from the apples on their plates.

The desserts come out: Naomi’s Chocolate Torte with Grand Marnier and Meringue and Celina’s Pistachio Cake and Honey Semifreddo. Danielle whatsername is in love with the torte, and Curtis says it’s “special.” Reichl finds it difficult to eat all the elements of Celina’s dish at once and says the plating is problematic.

Naomi is relieved that the diners are voting. Suvir feels like their team has nothing to worry about since Leela was running their restaurant like “a banquet facility.” Commercial.

Back. Master Fakeback! The chefs talk about how it was exciting and exhausting to have Restaurant Wars as the first thing. Suvir says that after being the heads for so long, it’s the first time many of them have come back to earth.

Really back. Hugh feels that their restaurant will win on food. Curtis calls in team Leela to the Critics’ Table.

Curtis tells them that the critics preferred Mosaic, but the diners preferred Leela. Ouch. But the chefs take it in stride and high five each other.

Freeman tells Naomi that her torte was outrageously delicious, and Reichl says her one complaint is that she would’ve liked a vat.

Oseland says Alex’s Fricassee was bright and fresh and light. And the winner is…Alex. He gets $10,000 for Faster Cures. He says he’s glad there are funds out there for the people who can’t afford the care he had.

They return to the wine room, where Alex tells Mary Sue and Hugh to go back. Curtis tells them it’s tough to have them there, but their dishes were the weakest.

Reichl tells Hugh her scallop was “inedibly salty.” They think it’s admirable that he took a chance on the new dish. Oseland thinks Mary Sue’s cupcake felt too safe for her. She tells him it’s a part of her history, and wishes she’d had the bitter chocolate. Freeman says the cake was a bit dry for her.

The two of them head back. John C says there’s no reason Hugh’s there – he’s too good to be standing in that room.

The critics debate. Reichl says it’s heartbreaking because they’re really good chefs who wowed them in the quickfire, and Freeman says neither dish was a disaster. They chat a bit, and come to a decision. Commercial.

Back. James tells Mary Sue that her cooking needs to be ambitious and inventive, and the cupcake wasn’t. Reichl says bright flavors and contrasting texture were missing from Hugh’s scallop dish.

Curtis announces that the first chef to be eliminated is Hugh. “Please return to the kitchen and pack your knives.” They’ll be making a donation to Wholesome Wave even though he’s going home.

Hugh says he’s learned a lot in the last two days. He goes back to tell the other chefs that he’s out. John C hugs him. Hugh says it’s hard for people to understand how difficult the competition is.

This season: AUGH! We’re all really talented! Christina Hendricks! I am going to propose to my girlfriend. We are maroon 5. These challenges have been completely insane! Bugs! Susur! Sami Brady! Things are heating up and it’s very easy to just. .. crack. Suddenly you’re not your sweet self! Tom! Neither dish was particularly good. I don’t know if I’d pay 50 cents for that. Wowwwww.