Top Chef Masters: Bands, Buses, and Bad Seasons

Guys, I hate this season.

I hate this season so much that if it were bleeding on the side of the road, I would drive by and laugh like Nelson.

No, actually, that’s not true. That would require me to go out of my way to drive to the place where this season was bleeding. And I’m just not that interested in it.

I do hate it enough that if I saw it out walking its dog, I would wait until it was bending over to pick up the poop, I would knee it in the groin and steal the dog. Because the dog deserves better.

Every week just reaffirms my conviction that they are setting up the easiest possible path for a female winner. Out of 6 ousters, one woman has gone home. And that woman went home because she didn’t even finish her dish.

I thought they would send home Celina last night for sure, just to keep things plausible. Just to keep the numbers at 5 ladies to 3 dudes instead of the obvious blowout it's becoming. Instead, perpetually bottom dwelling Celina with her zero wins is in, and Alex is out.

And the thing is, I can’t even say that on an episode-by-episode basis this was the wrong call. If Alex really messed up the pasta that badly, he deserved to go home. If Celina’s soup was really one of the best things about their meal, there’s a point in her staying. . .this week. But it still stings to see her hanging on for good enough when she should’ve been gone for her gritty “puddin’” back on April 23.

The episode itself. . .was so bland and flavorless that there’s not a whole lot I can really say about it. Maroon 5 was the perfect band for the chefs to cook for, because their banal, insipid, elevator pop would be the perfect soundtrack to this season. The episode itself was so flaccid and inoffensive that it might as well have been “This Love” stretched out to 60 minutes and forced to cook.

Let’s take a look at it, shall we?

We open in the Masters kitchen, where the chefs enter to see Curtis and a display of beautiful ingredients. Curtis says something ridiculous about taking the diner “to heaven.” They can make any dish they want using the “heavenly” ingredients on the table, but they have to do it in ONLY 7 minutes. The winning chef gets $5000 and immunity. And their seven minutes in heaven (HA! I see what they did there) starts now.

Food flurry. Celina is determined to win since she’s “carrying the big old goose egg” for her charity. Naomi wants to highlight the ingredients quickly and effectively. She’s searing foie gras. Nom. Hugh wishes he was that ambitious. Traci is shaking from all the adrenaline.

Two minutes! Floyd runs for the fryer. Hugh is making tuna two ways, but his poached tuna hasn’t poached. He worries that he may be making “the most elaborate cat food of all times.” My cat looks up at this line – she will gladly take the tuna if he has.

Curtis tells the chefs to his left to go to one side. They’ll be judging each other. Traci worries that it has the potential to cause animosity. They’ll rank each dish from one to seven, with one being the best and seven being the worst.

They begin with Hugh’s Tuna Two Ways: Chopped with Caviar and Ventresca with Celery. Floyd is concerned about the bitterness. Traci has made Tenderloin Beef Carpaccio, Truffle, Maitake Mushroom, and Balsamic. Alex says it’s well seasoned and good. Naomi’s Foie Gras, Chanterlle [sic] Mushrooms and Fried Lady Apples is next. “where’d you get the extra five minutes?” Traci asks. She’s shocked that Naomi is flourishing so much in the competition since she’s one of the least experienced.

The next up is Celina’s Scallop Crudo, Blood Orange, Kumquat, and Lemon Agrumato. It needs more salt. Mary Sue has made Scallop with Pink Salt, Lime, and Cilantro. Naomi says it’s perfect. Alex has made Prawn Ceviche, Kumquat, Chili Peppers, Celery , and Blood Orange Vinagrette, which they call fantastic. Floyd’s is last with a Prawn with Serrano Chili, Wasabi, Blood Orange Juice. Mary Sue loves that he used the head.

They head back to their own dishes and start ranking everyone’s food. Mary Sue finds having to choose awkward.

Hugh’s dish goes first, and he, Traci, and Floyd have all ranked it last. I’m impressed with his honesty. Naomi gives Traci her #1 ranking, as does Mary Sue. Hugh and Traci both give their #1s to Naomi, but Floyd has given it his 6 because he got a salty piece. Celina seems to have pulled all 6s and 7s. Yipes. Mary Sue has scores ranging from 1 to 5. Alex similarly has 1s to 5s, and he gives himself a 6. Floyd gets everything from 3 to 6.

Curtis gives them all their rankings. Celina is last. Coming in at 6 is Hugh; 5 is Floyd; 4 is Mary Sue; 3^rd is Alex, and the winner is either Naomi or Traci. . .but we’ll find out after the commercial.

I’m sorry .. .are the rest of you seeing commercials for the UniverSOUL Circus during this break, or is only DC that lucky? We get some epically good local ads around here.

Back. The highest ranking chef was…Traci! She says it always feels great to win a quickfire. Naomi is disappointed, but rationalizes that Traci has been cooking 20 years longer than she has. Traci gets $5000 for La Cocina and immunity for the elimination.

As the winner, Traci also gets to pick her team for the elimination, and choose whether she’s on the 3 or 4 person team. She picks Hugh, Naomi, and Mary Sue.

Curtis says that some chefs like to think of themselves as rockstars. But tonight, they’ll be cooking for “one of the biggest bands in the world.” Hahahahahahahahahah oh, I’m sorry. Was he serious? Because from the ads I thought they were cooking for Maroon fucking 5. Anyway, the chefs have to make one family style meal for the band, inspired by their requests.

Curtis reveals that the band is Maroon 5. A lot of the chefs clap politely and make “ah,” noises, but Floyd is impressed, and thinks his kids will be too. Oh, Floyd.

The band tells them via video about their requests for the meal, which range from vegan Mexican to Japanese steak.

The chefs head out to Whole Foods in their special transportation – tour buses, where they’ll also have to cook. Celina is happy that there are only 3 of them since the space is so limited. They menu plan en route to Whole Foods. Both teams seem to have created very disjointed and disconnected menus based on the band’s requests, but really, that’s all you can do. You can’t really create a cohesive menu when one person wants Japanese and steak, one person wants Thanksgiving, one person wants corn soup, one wants spanakopita, and one’s a vegan who wants Mexican food.

The team of 3 loses time at Whole Foods because Alex’s cart gets stuck on the escalator. That’s something I’ve always wanted to see happen – I actually lurk in that section of the Columbia Heights Target waiting for someone’s cart to get trapped. They still get out of the store before the other team, though, and Floyd is glad because this gives them a time advantage.

They hop back on their bus and start their prep. The other bus peels out afterward. Traci worries about her past as a “really super carsick child.” Oh, man. I feel her pain – I also got really super carsick as a child. Floyd says that when he and his wife retire, they want to get a “van” like this and travel the country. A hard brake flings open the team of four’s refrigerator and sends ingredients flying.

The Team of 3, which I guess is officially called the “Red Team” pulls up to the Roosevelt Hotel and gets to start cooking in their mini kitchen. They joke about draining the pasta in the bathroom “in honor of Hubert” which is both funny and a sad reminder of how much more awesome this show used to be, and Floyd ends up putting an induction burner on the toilet to maximize space. The other team is about ten minutes behind. Hugh is making corn soup with vanilla and coconut milk. That sounds vomitous to me. Alex is trying to help other people with their dishes. Commercial.

Back. Except while we were on commercial, my battery ran down on juice so I had to get my laptop plug and plug it in to the one plug in the living room that will take it, and to do this I had to unplug a lamp and move the sofa. . .anyway, it was a whole thing, and when I finished Maroon 5 was bowling and the chefs had 4 minutes left to finish.

Floyd is still cooking steak in the bathroom. Alex’s pasta is overcooked. They come out of the bus as Maroon 5 enters the dining room where Gail, Curtis, Dnayelle and Oseland await. The “Red Team” of 3 enters with their dishes, and Floyd continues geeking out about how much his family loves Maroon 5.

They introduce their dishes. Floyd has made Winter Salad and Soy and Rice Wine Vinegar Marinated Steak with Asian Slaw. Celina’s contributions are Silky Corn Soup, which is vegan, and Spanakopita with Cous Cous Salad. Alex has made a vegan Penne with Broccolini, Tomato and Garlic and a vegan Enchiladas with Onion and Seitan, as well as Coconut-Almond Tapioca with Grapes and Breaded Turkey Cutlets.

Some long haired guy from the band (I’m sorry – I don’t know any of their names except Adam Levine, and I’m not even 100% sure which one he is) likes the corn soup. Oseland is not pleased with the spanakopita, and one of the Maroon 5s says it tastes like it’s out of a package. They’re not impressed by the enchilada until they realize that it’s vegan, and Curtis says that “as a chef” he’d have no idea where to even START making an enchilada without cheese. I feel like a good drinking game would be to take a shot every time Curtis says “as a chef.” They’re not impressed with the lack of imagination in the pasta.

The “Black Team” of 4 has 5 minutes left to their service, and things are a bit testy. Back in the dining room, Adam Levine says the steak is “real good” but Gail doesn’t find it memorable. Oseland is completely disappointed in Floyd’s salad. The guy who wanted Thanksgiving loves the gravy but not the turkey cutlets. Oseland and one of the Maroon 5s fight over whether the tapioca was any good. They marvel at how much Alex did for the team and wonder what the rest of the team was up to.

Back on the other bus, Mary Sue has “covered the bed in tostadas” which Hugh tells us is “not any fetish I’ve ever heard of.” Oh, Hugh. Thank you for being a friend. They head out of their bus for service.

They open with a margarita and Mary Sue’s Chips with Salsa Diablo and Guacamole, with her vegan Tostadas with Black Beans, Mexican Chopped Salad, and Crispy Fried Avocado Wedge. Hugh has made Corn Soup with Vanilla, Pecans, and Brussels Sprouts and Fennel-Parmesan-Spinach Spanakopita, Dill Salad, Lemon Vinaigrette. Traci’s Japanese Style Steak, Miso Braised Daikon, Cucumber and Pea Shoot Salad is next, then Naomi’s Breaded Turkey, Chanterelle Smashed Potatoes, and Sour Cherry-Cranberry Chutney. They finish with her vegan Apple Crisp with Coconut, Almond, and Oats.

Curtis is thrilled with the margarita and they all enjoy the chips and salsa. They think the avocado wedge on top of the tostada “looks like poop that was rolled in birdseed” but it tastes good. They do not care for Hugh’s corn soup which “tastes like a bad candle smells.”

Danyelle thinks Traci’s steak was really well executed. Oseland thinks the corn on Naomi’s breaded turkey is too coarse, but some dude loves the potatoes. Oseland then calls her apple crisp “flaccid.”

On the bus, the teams confer and realize they’ve made many of the same choices with their menus, and worry about the implications. It gives the judges an easy job to compare. Commercial.

Back. Fakeback. The chefs are drinking beer. Hugh talks about how the women in the competition have really stepped up. He cleans the sink and Mary Sue sexually harasses him. Hugh tells us he’s got “youth and panache and one eyebrow on my side.”

Really back. The chefs try to suss out whether the winning or losing team will go first. Curtis calls in the black team/team of four.

They go in to see the judges and are told that they were the favorites. Gail says there were a lot of beautiful little touches, and the food was comforting but still delicious. Then there are compliments, which are uninteresting and really nothing we didn’t hear in the dining scenes, except that Hugh’s spanakopita gets raved over.

Anyway, the winning chef is. . .Traci! She gets $10,000 for La Cocina, bringing her total winnings to $25,000. She says it would be pretty cool to be the first woman to have the title of Top Chef Masters. Ugh. Look, Bravo – you’re doing a good enough job letting us know that the fix is in. You don’t have to over sell it with these little testimonials.

They return to the bus and send the red team/team of three in to face their fates. Curtis tells them they were the least favorite, obviously.

Floyd admits they had a hard time with the restrictions. Curtis says it doesn’t seem like the work was split up evenly. Oseland takes his hat off to Alex for juggling so many dishes, but the enchilada had a ‘bizarre, not very appetizing texture.” Danyelle tells Floyd there was nothing interesting or innovative about his salad, and Oseland says his personality and style didn’t come through this week. Danyelle tells Celina her spanakopita was “indistinctive and forgettable.”

Curtis tells them the duress they were under came through in the food. They send the chefs off so they can deliberate. I suddenly want spanakopita.

Curtis says they allocated jobs poorly, and Oseland says Alex’s pasta was “actually bad.” Curtis says they shouldn’t put him out to sea when the other chefs didn’t do much. Floyd did little work and his personality didn’t come through in the food. There was nothing about Celina’s spanakopita or cous cous that spoke to being made by a chef of her caliber. Commercial.

Back. Gail tells Alex he took a lot of risks, but his pasta was lousy (my words, not hers).Danyelle says Floyd’s salad was so unremarkable than anyone could make it. Oseland doesn’t understand the pie/cous cous pairing, and the dishes cancelled each other out.

But the chef who’s leaving is. . .Alex. He has managed to win $10,0000 for his charity Faster Cures, but he acknowledges that this challenge was too much for him. He returns to the bus and shakes hands with his fellow chefs. He’s a bit sad to leave, but is glad to have learned he still has ‘the fire” after 30 years of cooking.

Next: blindfold taste tests! Oh, Darn it. Mary Sue is throwing the top of her thumb into the garbage can. GAEL GREENE’S HAT!!! And then some people make out on the floor of the dining room, which, gross.