Top Chef Masters: Fast Food, Farmer Boys, and Failures

Well, there went the eye candy.

Good morning, farmer boys. How are you this morning? I’m a bit flummoxed, as my alarm went off right in the middle of a dream where some friends and I were at an event and the organizers said “please help yourself to complimentary all-you-can-eat breakfast.” So we ate a lot and then the organizers were all “ok, there is also complimentary luxury lunch,” and we were mad because they’d filled us up on the generic quality breakfast without mentioning the “luxury lunch,” but we went through to eat it anyway. And we were just sitting down to eat the luxury lunch when the alarm went off, so I don’t even know what made it luxurious.

Anyway. My head is a little done in because my dream process was interrupted. It’s a good thing this episode was fairly straightforward, because I don’t know that I’d be capable of working through anything that took more thought.

It was pretty obvious from early in the episode that George was going home. In fact, if I had to sum up the episode in two sentences, I could: oh look – George is speaking! Oh look – George is out!

Whenever someone who hasn’t had a lot to say in the first four episodes gets every other interview in the fifth …you know that person is going home. And George seemed like an ok guy, but he also seemed like he had a bit of an attitude…though that may’ve been just in this episode since WE’VE NEVER HEARD HIM SPEAK BEFORE.

Also, he was pretty cute, and for that he’ll be missed.

The episode was an interesting idea, and particularly so for what it showed about who could adapt and who couldn’t or wouldn’t. Some of them had the benefit of having thought up dishes that would work in the environment that was described (hands only eating); some took risks that they lucked out on, like Mary Sue getting the fryer they needed; and some just froze and couldn’t adjust or dug their heels in and decided not to.

I do wonder about the “no utensils” thing, though. What kind of restaurant doesn’t even have a plastic fork for you if you need it? Even McDonald’s will give you a plastic fork if you order a salad.

Anyway. More time for that later. Let’s get on with the show.

We open as usual with the chefs meandering in to the Top Chef Masters kitchen for their weekly dose of Quickfireage. Curtis greets them and they all gaze on a bunch of ingredients with bright pink and orange price tags. Their challenge is to design and cook an appetizer for ONE. DOLLAR.

Holy smokes, kids. One dollar? I have cooked on the cheap for. . .well, as long as I’ve cooked really. I was working on my MA when Survivor started, and I used to sit there watching those bastards complain about having “nothing but rice and fish” and scream “YOU BASTARDS HAVE FIIIIIIIISH!!!!!!” at the television. But I don’t know if I could make an appetizer that was worth shit for a dollar.

Anyway. The winner gets $5000 and immunity. Their guest diners are from American Public Media’s Dinner Party Download. I’m sorry. . .whose what now? Not to give away the store or anything, but I know more than most about Public Radio, and I have never heard about Dinner Party Download. Come on, Top Chef Masters. You couldn’t even get The Splendid Table lady?

The chefs start shopping for ingredients. Floyd says he’s good at budgeting because he came to America with only $100 in his wallet. Mary Sue goes over budget. Celina is planning to make a really inexpensive soup – she buys chicken stock, carrots, a lime and a shrimp. Hugh wrecks an egg and loses 18 cents. Alex is figuring the per price piece of almonds and calamari and comes in at 98 cents. Mary Sue is afraid to even taste the small amount of bacon she’s bought because she doesn’t want to not have enough for her appetizer. Naomi is using one cherry tomato and two spears of asparagus in her panzanella.

Five minutes left. Hugh and Naomi make up a bacon song. George is at $1.54 and has to take off two elements. Time!

Brendan Newnan and Rico Gagliano of Dinner PartyDownload…fame… enter. “This is like from the fanciest dollar store ever,” one of them says. Then they talk about their program for awhile, which is nice since I’ve never heard of it. In fact, I can’t find any evidence of it being carried on any actual public radio station – it seems only to exist in podcast form.

So why can’t you just admit that, Bravo? Why you gotta be all “oooh, we got the cool kids from American Public Media’s legitimate radio program” when what you’ve actually got is two dudes with a 15 minute podcast?

Seriously. You couldn’t get Lynn Rosetto Kasper? She would’ve done it. She’s a nice lady.

Anyway, the two dudes with a podcast begin tasting with Celina’s Spicy Carrot Soup with Lime-Pickled Shrimp. The guy with glasses finds it flavorful. The total cost of the dish was 96 cents, but non-glasses guy says he could see someone spending $15 on it.

Mary Sue’s Bacon, Lettuce, and Tomato Salad with Celery Seed Vinaigrette is next. Someone says it’s inventive, which is ridiculous – who doesn’t have a BLT salad recipe. I question the credentials of these two guys who have a podcast (I would question Curtis’s credentials as well, but that’s been covered ad infitum). Anyway, it blows glasses guy’s mouth out with the salt.

Naomi’s Asparagus and Bread Salad with Cherry Tomato, and Lemon Vinaigrette is next. They admire the razor thin cuts on the asparagus. It’s well received. Hugh has made a Lyonnaise Salad with Bacon, Frisee, Radicchio, and Poached Egg. The judges say the chefs are putting fast food to shame (Foreshadowing!). Hugh thinks “Dollar Store” would be a great restaurant concept

Alex’s Spiced Squid with Garlic, Olives, and Almonds is next. Again, the judges talk about how they can’t believe it’s under a dollar. They find George’s Grilled Calamari Salad with Cucumber, Tomato, and Almonds underwhelming. It’s followed by Traci’s Chicken Paillard with Asparagus and Lemon Brown Butter, and finally we get to Floyd’s Fricassee of Shrimp and Asparagus with Beef and Tomatoes.

Back to the judging room. One of the judges jokes that coming from public radio, they know about budgets. Oh, the hi-larity. Anyway, their least favorites were George’s calamari and Mary Sue’s salad. The favorites were Alex’s spiced squid, Celina’s soup, and Naomi’s panzanella. Their overall favorite was. . .Naomi! Yay! I like her, even if everyone else thinks she’s bossy. So she gets another $5000 for Seed Savers Exchange and immunity for the elimination.

Curtis tells them that for their elimination, they’ll be taking a road trip where they’ll each be cooking a main dish and a side for up to 100 people. Their diners won’t have any utensils. Traci wonders where the location will be, and Curtis tells them he’ll meet them there tomorrow. Commercial.

Back! The chefs go shopping with the narrow guidelines Curtis has given them. Floyd is going crazy from the lack of information. Alex is planning to make ceviche and tortilla chips. Hugh can’t think of a side – all he can think of is slaw and “while we’ve all eaten slaw with our hands, it’s done in private.”

Traci is planning on a burrito. George is taking a risk on pork loin and clams. George is talking too much in this episode, whereas he’s never spoken more than six words in an episode before. Clearly, he’s out this evening. “That was a fiasco,” someone says as they leave.

And off they go in their product placement Lexuses, still speculating about where they’re going “I see waves, the beach, surfers…” says Mary Sue. She doesn’t feel good about having been on the bottom three times. And they pull up to their restaurant, which is. . .Farmer Boys.

What in hell is a Farmer Boys? Jesus, this episode is chock full of things I’ve never heard of before. Anyway, apparently it’s a “Fast Casual” restaurant with locations around California and Nevada. I’ve been on the East Coast too long, I guess. It looks like it exists in some weird nebulous restaurant class that’s somewhere between a Fast Food Restaurant with a drive thru and like a Bob’s Big Boy level restaurant with actual waiters.

Curtis welcomes them to Farmer Boys and tells them they’ll be taking over the lunch rush for the restaurant and the drive thru. They’ll work in two shifts – half in the kitchen while the other half take orders in the dining room and the drive-thru, and then they’ll swap.

They rush in for their prep. Mary Sue has fast food experience in a donut shop and a pizzeria. Celina’s first job was at a Bennigan’s, and she thinks that’ll help her. I used to heart the crap out of Bennigan’s back in the day. You know, I think it’s been too long since I ate anywhere “fast casual.” I have this really weird form of food snobbery where I’ll eat absolute crap OR fine dining, but I shun places like Friday’s and Ruby Tuesdays and so on. I think the last thing I had that could be described as “fast casual” was the Lambert’s in Sikeston, and that’s not really fast casual. That’s an icon. They’ve got throwed rolls, for chrissakes.

Someone is making pancakes. which seems odd considering that they’re serving the lunch rush. They have 15 minutes to service. “Is it still called service in fast food?” Hugh wonders. George is working with his original pork and clams concept and thinks it’s probably the first time clams have been served at a Farmer Boys. Oh George. You are so doomed.

Service! Naomi starts her shift at the drive thru. She loves her headset. Floyd, George, and Traci are also with her on service – Traci as cashier, George is calling orders, and Floyd is doing the table number system and the other register.

Meanwhile, Hugh, Celina, and Mary Sue are cooking. A line starts forming at both the dining room and the drive thru and the food’s not ready. And one of Alex’s salmon tacos hits the floor, and he complains about George being unclear in what he needs. There’s some sort of mess where George doesn’t get the full order to Naomi. He does seem to have the worst attitude of all of them in terms of this challenge, yet another sign that we will be waving a fond farewell to him before the night is over. “It’s like an architect who builds beautiful tall buildings can’t even make a house out of Lego,” Hugh says. And the judges mosey in. Commercial.

Back! We’re still on the first shift. Oseland and Alan come up to the counter and order. The kitchen is underwater, so Traci goes into the back to help, but ends up getting annoyed by Mary Sue. Oseland talks to a diner who’s been waiting 15 or 20 minutes. He and Alex order one of everything and collect their number – 98. We don’t see the scene where the table with number 3 is still waiting for their food, sipping sullenly at their third grape soda of the day.

In the meantime, Curtis and Danyelle drive up to the drive thru, but Naomi has been pulled away from the window to help serve customers in the dining room. Curtis has to honk to get her attention, and they finally order one of everything. Her heart sinks as she wonders how long they’ve been waiting.

Oseland and Alan toast with their paper cups. Danyelle and Curtis begin with Hugh’s Bahn Mi of Pork and Liver Pate, Chili Watermelon with Serrano and Feta. Oseland is underwhelmed by the watermelon feta salad. They like the flavor of Mary Sue’s Skirt Steak Quesadilla Diablo, and Curtis likes the Quinoa Fritters with Sweet Pepper Garlic Mayo. “It’s like a healthy hush puppy,” Danyelle says “You’re a healthy hush puppy, Curtis says saucily.

Oooh, girl who played Jane in the failed American version of Coupling better look out – her man’s making eyes at the blog girl.

They’re not crazy about Alex’s Salmon Fish Taco with Fennel and Apple Slaw, which is more of a burrito, but Danyelle likes the Butternut Squash Fritter. Celina’s Lamb, Pork and Garbanzo Wrap is unwrapped “it’s having an existential dilemma” Oseland says, and calls it “a pancake with some stuff on it.” We don’t hear about her Pickled Cauliflower because Oseland is too busy looking forward to the other four. He and Alan hop into the Lexus while Curtis and Danyelle take their “drive thru date” to the dining room.

The second team starts firing their food. This time, Alex is runner, Mary Sue is on Drive Thru, Celina expedites and Hugh is on register trying to charm the customers but not being terribly helpful. Curtis stares dumbfounded at Hugh’s attempt at patter.

The orders start backing up once again, and the critics show up. Curtis and Danyell order one of everything from the counter, while Oseland and Alan do the same at the window. Celina gets into a hole expediting and is holding back tickets before calling them out, which them puts even further behind.

“If we were driving, this would count as making bad time,” Alan jokes as he and Oseland sit in the Lexus. George is not enjoying the fast food environment. “It’s lke ‘we were supposed to be in San Antonio an hour ago,'” Oseland jokes as passengers in the Lexus of DOOM continue waiting. Curtis wonders if the back up is due to the kitchen or the service staff.

The critics begin eating with George’s Pork and Chorizo Skewer with Clam, Cucumber and Olive Side. Oseland says it’s the ugliest food he’s seen in his life. “Not enough drive thru’s in manhattan,” Alan speculates.

Curtis likes the flavor of Traci’s Chicken Chili Verde Burrito, Jicama Sticks and Tortilla Chips so much that he pounds the table. Alan can picture driving while he eats it. Oseland is impressed by the fresh made wrap on Floyd’s Chicken Frankie with Cucumber, Daikon, and Grape Slaw as opposed to Celina’s “pancake”.

Curtis says there’s nothing wrong with Naomi’s Grilled Rib Eye Steak Sandwich on Ciabatta, Caesar Salad with Herbed Croutons, but there’s nothing great about it. “Even you don’t look sexy eating your salad like that” Danyelle tells Curtis as he noshes the Caesar salad with his fingers. Oh, the tension between these two. You need a knife to cut it. Commercial.

Back. Fakeback. The chefs hash over which shift had the worst of it. Floyd has never worked a register before, and couldn’t find the ice. Ineptitude is so amusing.

Really back. Curtis calls Alex, George, and Celina into the dining room of Farmer Boys. Traci thinks they’re probably the bottom three.

Traci is right, of course, since Celina’s wraps were repeatedly called pancakes and George has been obviously going home since the first minute. The critics complain about the service and then start in on the dishes. Celina doesn’t know why she’s on the bottom. Danyelle calls her out for her unwrapped wrap, and Alan says the food was underseasoned. Oseland found the cauliflower a “relatively pleasing little mouthful” but doesn’t understand its relationship to the “so called wrap.”

George has to explain that the clam was part of the side dish. Danyelle says it was well cooked but hard to eat. Curtis says he snubbed his nose at being in a fast casual environment, but George denies this.

Alex admits to being out of his element, and that he missed the mark on his side. Danyelle says the burrito was practical, but too sweet.

They get sent to the kitchen and send back Mary Sue, Traci, and Floyd. Traci is reassured that it looks like they reversed the order.

Curtis tells them they’re lucky they weren’t being judged on their service, because they had great dishes. Oseland tells Floyd the Frankie wrap was genius. Curtis was in love with Traci’s burrito after one mouthful (that’swhatshesaid). Curtis thinks Mary Sue had an advantage in this environment because of the Border Grill’s food truck, and Danyelle thinks the fritters were dynamite.

And the overall favorite is. . . Mary Sue. Mmmmm hmmmmm. Oh, who was it said they’d been floating her the first few rounds to improve the chances of having a female winner in the long run? Would that be me? Yes. Yes that would. Just watch – this is where she starts surging forward for her redemption edit.

(Those fritters do look really freaking good, though)

They congratulate her. She gets $10,000 for Share Our Strength. Oseland says that what she made would’ve been great in any context, and she says she’ll put the quinoa fritters on the food truck’s menu.

The judges send them back while they deliberate. Oseland says that Alex’s food didn’t have “direct immediate flavors,” and Danyelle found a lot of the little elements distracting. Curtis says he struggled to be adaptable.

Celina’s dish was, according to Danyelle “a lost cause,” and they all make more pancake comparisons to her wrap. Oseland adds that the filling was tasteless.

But on George’s dish, no one knew which was the side and which was the main. Alan says that pork loin and chorizo is “not a dish,” and Oseland complains about how ugly it was. Curtis says he didn’t adapt to the challenge. They agree that they’ve reached a consensus. Commercial.

Oh, look. A Rocco’s Dinner Party Commercial. Oh my god, Caroline from Real Housewives of New Jersey AND Liza Minelli? My skepticism about this show was just destroyed altogether.

Back. Alan says that Alex’s salmon taco didn’t come together in a cohesive way. Oseland tells George he didn’t adapt to fast food. And Danyelle repeats the pancake claim about Celina’s wrap. And the chef who will be leaving is. . .George. But they will be making a donation to Water.org even though he has to pack his knives.

George says that no one likes to lose, but he decided to take a risk and stand behind his food. He wants to learn more, travel more, and bring more to the table. He’s not going out a sore loser; he’s going out happy.

Next: Seven minutes. Who’s got the caviar. I do have the caviar. It’s like a quickfire on steroids. We are Maroon 5. Cooking environment is ridiculous. It’s disgusting. Lovely. The mashed potatoes will be your Yoko Ono. Oh, look – Gail! Hi Gail! We miss you!