Rocco's Drinking Party

So let me just say off the bat: for the most part, I am enjoying Rocco's Dinner Party.

(let me also, off the bat, apologize for the total absence of images in this post. Blogger is being fekakta).

I like the concept. I like the opportunity it provides for meaningless celebrity gazing. I even like Rocco's nastiness to the contestants -- I have developed in my head a secret backstory for the show, where Rocco is an insane millionaire who traps chefs in his loft, forces them to cook for him, and then the winner is released while the losers are fed to his pet crocodiles. (I even tried to write a recap of it along these lines last week, but I got no further than "Deep in the bowels of Rocco DiSpirito's stately manor. . ." when I went "oh, Jesus," and quit).

But I will also say: I find it really sags in the middle. Once the two chefs who will be preparing the dinner parties have met with the planner, I kind of stop paying attention for half an hour. I know they're going to be preparing good, servicable food, but I have no hopes that they're going to prepare something that's such a new concept that it rocks my world, or even something that I'm going to really, really want to get the recipe for and make.

And I'll also say: it's already really predictable. We've had two episodes in which there's one super cocky, super experienced male chef; one nice male chef with a less impressive resume, and one female chef. In both episodes, the female chef has gone home in the first round. In both episodes, the nice male chef with the less impressive resume has ended up winning. In both episodes, one chef has had a clearly articulated vision to convey to the planner while the other has kind of floundered.

I can see how it could get really old, really fast...if it hasn't for you already.

So here's what I propose: let's use it as an excuse to get plowed.

I present to you... Rocco's Dinner Party: The Drinking Game.

There will be a set of general every-episode rules that I outline in this post. Then, each Wednesday morning, I will post rules specific to that week's episode and celebrity guests (this weeks are at the end of the general rules).

You will need: 1) A television with Bravo; 2) a lot of the booze of your choice.

Ready? Let's play.

General Rules:

Part One: Introduction and the Signature Dish Challenge

1. If there are two male chefs and one female chef, take a sip of your drink.

2. If one chef has a noticeably better resume than the others, take a sip of your drink while holding your pinky finger out.

3. If one chef calls another a "definite threat," take a sip of your drink.

4. If one dismisses the others as "not a threat to me," finish your glass.

5. Every time Rocco sidles up to the chefs during their prep time, invading their personal space and destroying their concentration, take a drink.

6. For every snippy comment Rocco makes during tasting, take a drink.

7. For every compliment Rocco gives during tasting, take two drinks.

8. If the only female chef goes home after the Signature Dish Challenge, take a drink and gargle it to the tune of "I Am Woman."

9. If the female chef stays after the Signature Dish Challenge, pound two glasses of your beverage, pause your TV, and sing "I Will Survive" while running in place. (Don't worry; this will never, ever happen)

Part Two: Party Planning and Prep

1. If the theme is lame (e.g. "Mystery Guest"), take a drink of water.

2. If the planner obviously favors one chef's plan over the other, take a drink of your favorite beverage (even if that's not the one you're using for that night's game)

3. If the chefs can't find a critical ingredient during shopping, hide your drink from yourself. You may be so drunk at this point that you won't be able to find it until morning, at which point you should finish the glass.

4. Take a drink every time one chef mocks the other during prep

5. Take one drink for every food restriction Rocco's guests have that he doesn't tell the chefs about until the last possible minute.

6. If the planners have had problems executing one chef's "vision," take a drink.

Part Three: Hail, Hail, the Gang's All Here

1. For every actual, famous guest who enters (e.g. Liza Minnelli), take a dainty sip of your drink.

2. For every "Bravolebrity" who enters (Housewives, hosts or past contestants from other shows, etc), drain your glass and then flip a table.

3. For every guest who's clearly tied to the night's theme (e.g. an actor from Boardwalk Empire during the "Speakeasy" dinner), do a waterfall (this is hard if you watch alone, I know, but maybe you can get your cat to slurp out of his bowl while you drink).

4. If a guest fulfills your existing perception of him/her (e.g. Padma sexily describing potato skins), take a drink

5. If a guest subverts your existing perception of him/her (e.g. the actor who played Omar on The Wire comes to dinner wearing a cardigan sweater that would do Bill Cosby proud), finish your drink and give yourself a stern talking to about how assuming makes an ASS of U and MING.

6. If you have no idea who any of these people are... you're probably not watching the show. But take a drink while patting yourself on the back for being too classy for your own good.

7. If the chefs freak out about one or more of the guests, take a drink while jumping up and down.

Part Four: And Now. . .WE DINE

1. If there's a problem with the service, finish your drink and then drop your glass.

2. For every dish everyone hates, take a drink while holding your nose.

3. For every dish everyone loves, take a drink while rubbing your belly.

4. If someone tries something s/he has never had before, go to the kitchen, get a mixer you don't usually use with your beverage (e.g. gingerale with red wine; orange juice with absinthe), and add an ounce of it to your glass. Then chug.

5. If someone with a restricted diet gets a plate that doesn't honor those restrictions, take a drink with either a Benadryl or a Tums.

6. If the chef with the less impressive sounding resume wins, toast him and drain your glass.

For this week only:

1. For every twin joke, take a drink.

2. For every Real Housewives joke, give your drink a stupid name ("Skinny Girl Margarita" "Fabullini" "Ramona Pinot Grigio" "Tamra"), flip a table, accuse another person in the room (or your pet) of not "having your back", chug your drink, and then act like you're trying to cry but can't because of all the Botox.

3. For every N'Sync reference, especially if actual lyrics are quoted, take a drink while doing a '90's style boy band dance.

4. Every time Caroline brings up her sons, Albie and Christopher, take a drink.

5. If she tries to set any single women at the party up with Albie, take two drinks.

6. If she tries to set them up with Christopher, drain your glass (she never tries to set Christopher up with anyone).

7. Every time someone makes a sweeping generalization about Italian or Italian-American families or culture, finish your drink while gesticulating wildly.

I look forward to hearing about your hangovers.