Project Runway: You Say Pajamas, I Say Couture

Headwrap dilemma
Hm, to use or not to use?
Not to use like that!

It’s back, nibblets! It’s finally back! Hard to believe, I know, but it’s been about nine months since the last time we settled in to watch a new episode of Project Runway together.

Nine months. Significant, no? It’s like the last season impregnated us with a baby of bile and rage, and we’ve just now purged ourselves of it. Good job, Lifetime. Good planning, giving us enough time for the anger to simmer down and for us to forget the sick, black injustice of that whole Gretchen fiasco …

….ok. Maybe some of us are better at the forgetting part than others. Although I’d done an ok job of actually forgetting how to begin a Project Runway recap – it is just “New York!” except for during that one season we won’t talk about, but nonetheless I had to look it up –even if I hadn’t forgotten or forgiven that stupid, stupid mistake that Kors and Nina made over the protests of a sensible-for-once Heidi and an alarmingly sentient Jessica Simpson.

But I had started to miss it. Yes, I did miss you, show, even if I’ll never be able to love you in quite the same way that I used to.

I don’t have a whole lot to say about the premiere –there’s almost never a whole lot to say about the premiere. It’s just one long parade of getting to know people’s faces, trying to learn their names, and having some sort of challenge to remind you how zany the challenges are. At best, there are little hints about the characters we may or may not come to like, and the various interpersonal dramas that are likely to unfold.

And we’ve lost Rafael, but the impact of that is lessened by the fact that we hardly knew him, and also the fact that we’d already lost four other people earlier in the episode. I don’t even remember their names. Does anyone remember their names?

So let’s just launch into this – I promise, things will return to their normal level of bitchiness as I the season catwalks its way interminably toward Fashion Week, and I come to know and love or hate these designers as I have come to know and love or hate their predecessors. And then their friends and family can write in semi-literate screeds about what a horrible person I am, and it can all be as it always has been, world without end, Amen.

New York! Twenty designers – yes, 20 -- start rolling up in taxis and arriving on foot as Tim and Heidi introduce the season. They make sure we know they “haven’t quite decided who’s going to compete yet.” The 20 designers will have to prove themselves to the judges and Tim, and four of them will be going home before the competition even starts.

The judges are reviewing the contestants in what appears to be some kind of terracotta floored hotel banquet facility or something . First up is Kimberly, who is 35 and has made some yellow pants that Nina loves. Her ideal customer is “urban, but likes to be glammed up.” Next we meet Bryce, whose clothes reveal that he saw Black Swan at least 6 times –everything is all over feathers.

Then we have Anya, or Sex Tape Beauty Queen as we’ll be calling her here. She has elements from a military-inspired collection, but she just learned how to sew when she applied for the show 4 months ago. Tim and Kors examine her stitches and say it’s masterful – Tim doubts her credibility and is “horrified” because she could be handicapped by not having the same sewing skills as the other contestants.

Becky, the token “old” at 38 is next. We only see her briefly be going on to Oliver, who’s made something with a boob window. Heidi loves his boob window clothes, and him. Of course Heidi loves a designer who’s made something she describes as a boob window. Of course.

Josh is bald and used to be a professional spanker. From what I learned from the brief bit of the casting special I watched, he is also LDS and self-identifies as a heterosexual. These are all perfectly fine things to be, of course, but it makes for a rather confusing bio when you meet the gentleman in person. Laura is a blonde from St. Louis, and Nina thinks her collection is one note. David Chum’s clothes are inspired by cocoons. Nina calls him one note because his clothes all have the same shape. Viktor goes by in a flash.

Then we have Julie, who’s made some stuff from Mexican blankets. The clothes are nice, but trending a bit toward the Southwest stereotype view in my eye. It’s like she’s Gretchen’s older sister, the one who developed an eye for color and shape somewhere along the line. She says her clothes are “in between” runway and outerwear. Amanda shows them her romper, which she loves even though she hates rompers generally. Heidi is scared when she talks.

Fallene – is that a name? – holds up a feather dress that looks like it’s made of moss. She likes the idea of men’s apparel for women. Gunnar Deatherage – now THAT’s a name!—shows them a dress from the Kentucky Derby. Danielle has a completely sheer line, and thinks she has more experience than the others. Joshua McKinley shows them a weird vest. Celia presents a lot of white, tailored clothes. Heidi says they show her sewing skills more than her fashion.

How many is that? Are we done yet? Nope. We're not done yet.

Rafael shows them a Michael Jackson looking jacket, and thinks he and Nina are “talking sex with our eyes.” Oh, Rafael. I know that the French call orgasm the little death, but what Nina is doing with her eyes? She is sending you straight toward a big, actual death.

Serena shows them a silk crepe romper. Token old man Bert, who is either 57 or 102, worked for Blass, Scaasii, and Halston back in the day, but left designing in 1992 because he lost two close friends to AIDS. He started drinking to cope, but now he’s 3 years sober. Heidi likes his clothes (and you know he’s going to make it b/c who doesn’t love an old guy with a comeback story), but thinks he needs to turn the volume up.

Anthony is a testicular cancer survivor, so he – like CJ – “rock[s] one now.” He’s also colorblind. And he cries, already.

The designers pace backstage. Doess that mean we’re done with them? Yes. Good. The judges confer, but we don’t really get to see the conferring. Boooooo. Heidi and Tim emerge from the banquet hall so Heidi can tell them “who is in and who is out.” Commercial.

Back! Heidi tells Fallene, Danielle, Rafael, and Kimberly, that they’re… in. Victor, Bryce, Becky, Oliver, Laura, Anthony, and Julie are ….also in. Joshua is…. in. David is the first one told that he’s out. Gunnar Deatherage is…. also out. But he’s GUNNAR DEATHERAGE! His name was meant to be on reality TV.

Bald Josh the spanker is… in. Amanda is ….out. Anya Sex Tape Beauty Queen is in, duh. Bert is in, of course. So either Cecilia or Serena is out. Serena …is out. Whoa, too bad, because she’s the one who cancelled her wedding in Iceland to be there.

After the losers leave, Heidi congratulates the remaining 16 and they have the ubiquitous toast to start the season. Heidi sends them to move in the Atlas apartments. Tim tells them to unpack and settle in “because you never know what’s waiting for you on project runway.” They all cheers and clink glasses.

The designers split into their apartments: Becky, Fallene, Julie and Cecilia are in a pink apartment together. Rafael, the two Josh’s and Bryce are in a green one. Anya, Kimberly, Danielle, and Laura are together, and Oliver, Bert, Anthony, and Viktor are in the last one. Everyone unpacks. “I feel like we’re in summer camp” the one I think is Bryce says. They all go to sleep.

At five in the morning, a pair of gleaming shoes marches down the hallway and Tim gun lets himself into their apartments. “Surprise!” he tells them. Ok, no lie – I kind of wish Tim Gunn had a key to my apartment, and would let himself in in the morning and take me on adventures. I’d like it better if he brought the paper in with him, and made me coffee and a poached egg on toast first – in this fantasy, Tim Gunn is like my own personal Steven Fry as Jeeves, and I am a lady Bertie Wooster – but I’d take what I can get.

He tells them they’re having a “Project Runway Come As You Are Party.” They’re allowed to bring one sheet and whatever they’re wearing.

They march out through the city in their jammies and sheets, eventually arriving at Parsons, where they head up to the workroom. Rafael says he can “feel the energy of so many people who’ve been here before you.” Cheese.

Tim does the blah blah blah brother sewing machines and hp Tablets product placement, and then explains why they’re there at the ass crack of dawn: their jammies and their one sheet are the only materials they’ll get to use for the challenge. And they get nice little scrubs to put on. There are closures and dyes and things in the next room. They have until 10 p.m that night. “Make it work,” he tells them.

While watching this episode, I was wearing tiny St. Louis Cardinals boxers, a t-shirt from my college Writing Center, and a purple sports bra I bought in 1995. All I could think is how pissed I’d be: 1) to have that little fabric and that poor color choice to work with, and 2) to have to carve up a t-shirt with sentimental meaning.

They sketch. Joshua is glad he wears a lot of clothes to bed because it gives him a lot of fabric to work with. Fallene is using the puking clown logo off her t-shirt. Laura is psyched to be a girly girl, because she’s wearing satin pajamas with lace. Bert is going to make a bodice from his boxers.

Tearing! Sewing! Cutting! Cecilia dyes some fabric. Anya is also dying, which she’s never done before. She has difficulty threading her sewing machine because she only learned how to sew four months ago. She feels like it’s showing that she doesn’t have the experience the others do. Yeah it’s showing – because you never stop talking about it. Commercial!

I am not at all interested in this TV show about the lady cop from a family of cops who becomes an IA detective and apparently has a lot of sexy sexy sex with some dude while her cop family shuns her for joining the rat squad (they don’t say rat squad; I just know the phrase from my decades of Law & Order watching), and no amount of commercials will convince me otherwise, Lifetime.

Back. Julie is trying to make something “sporty and sophisticated” out of her pajama pants with candy on them. Someone wonders if they’ll have a twist. “You have to make an accessory out of your underwear!” one chimes in. “I have a clutch idea!” another trills in a sing-song voice. Someone points out that Bert is already using his underwear. “Your model’s gonna have nut juice on her,” Kimberly says. Everyone ews.

Tim thru! He tells the scrubs-clad designers that he feels like he’s in a medical center, then goes on his visits. He warns Anthony about the danger of placing feathers in a pubic area. He thinks Josh C’s could be an absolute knockout. He questions if Julie has enough time, and she says “yes,” with complete confidence. He tells Bert to keep his client in mind while styling.

Anya is making pants for her first time ever, and Tim says the work so far looks very well done. He’s concerned that Rafael hasn’t made a lot of decisions yet, and asks why he’s not using his leopard print headwrap as part of the outfit, and warns him that his name was “in and out of the out pile” yesterday. Commercial.

Back. Tim warns them that some of them have a lot of work to do because there’ll be very little time tomorrow. There are 2.5 hours left to the end of the day. Model fittings! Bald spanker Josh has some issues with his model’s measurements being incorrect. Oliver and his model speak Italian to each other. “Are you speaking foreign?” Laura demands. Ulch, are you speaking ignorant American, trollop?

Anya hadn’t realized how far behind he’d gotten. At ten, they all retire to Atlas. And we cut to…Day of Runway show! The designers all leave Atlas and head back to the workroom. Tim comes in and tells them that they’ll have 2 hours for the L’Oreal/Garnier/Piperlime portion of product placement events. Rafael tries to figure out how to incorporate his headscarf.

Hair and Makeup flurry! Yay, handlebar moustache man is back! And then they get their models dressed, and Tim collects them all and they head down to the runway. Joshua M thinks there will be some interesting looks and they’ll all be “a bit surprised.” Commercial.

Oh, look. It’s the lady cop who has sexy sex again. This commercial is specifically about all the sexy sex she has. I’m still not interested.

Back. Heidi comes out on the runway and shows off her Heidi math once more by telling them that there are 16 now, but soon there will be 15. Can I tell you, I was so worried about Heidi math when I heard there were 20 designers this season – I didn’t think she’d be able to keep up. And then she went and showed her ability to take FOUR out of 20, which is more Heidi math skill than I’d ever thought she had.

And then she rattles off a lot of other numbers about how many of them will go to Fashion Week (3) and how much they’ll win (a lot) if they’re the winner. The winner of this challenge gets immunity.

Let’s meet the judges! It’s Michael “hey guys” Kors, Nina “Hi everyone” Garcia, and Christina Ricci. And now for the moment we’ve been waiting eight months and 75 minutes for, the clothes. Let’s start the show!

Josh M has made a black skirt and tank with white vest. Laura’s outfit is long grey palazzo type pants with a purple top and some sort of little jacket. She says the jacket is lined and weighted, which is an impressive amount of work.

Danielle’s model is wearing turquoise shorts and a long sleeved brown and black top. Laura expresses a desire to steal her model. I’m pretty sure that’s a foreshadowing moment that will come back to us, if not next week then sometime in the season.

Viktor has turned his jammies and sheet into a sporty little white dress with black accents (right). I have one very much like it from Zara, from two years ago. Becky has made a one shouldered aqua dress with a green stripe. Bryce’s look is a grayish top with bell sleeves and a tight black skirt (left) – it’s kind of cute in a Kardashian way.

Anya has made a cropped halter and grey pants. The top to me is sheer barf, but the pants are amazing, especially if they really are her first try. Julie has made grey pants and yellow/pink top with the odd candy print from her pants on full display. She’s mortified.

Oliver has made a green skirt and a grey jacket. It’s kind of a matron of a future prison look. Kimberly’s is white pants and an odd bib/bow top. It’s got a nice effect in back – mostly bare with an aqua waistband. Anthony has made a green skirt with a black feather panel down the center and a striped tank. He prays “no ass cheek” over and over to keep her butt from popping out.

Rafael’s look is grey pants, white top with some interesting detail and a necklace made of his scarf. Fallene’s is a white dress with a yellow belt and a puking clown on it. It’s got a halter neck with long ties – it’s cute and fun. Bert’s is a green dress with plaid (boxer) accent. “The boxers are just amazing,” Bryce tells him.

Bald spanking Josh has made white shorts, a sporty orange top, and a cropped grey hoodie. And we close with Cecilia. She has made an orange skirt I can only describe as “blumpy” – that sounds bad but I like it – with a striped top and a cropped jacket.

Back on the runway, Heidi calls Anthony, Rafael, Josh C, Anya, Bert, and Julie. The rest are safe and get to go back to the green room. Danielle snipes that being safe isn’t good enough for her.

The models of the remaining designers come out. Commercial.

Oh, look. More about the cop from the family of cops. Just stop already, Lifetime.

Back.

The judges begin their critique with Anthony. Heidi likes the way he changed his pajamas. Kors says his sense of color is good for a colorblind person. Nina compliments the way he used trimming, and Christina Ricci agrees that he used them to fix problems. She also compliments his sense of proportion.

Next on the block is Rafael. Heidi sees a lot of problems with the outfit, and asks about the neckace “what grown up wants to walk around with a bib?” On a similar note, Kors calls it a “Flinstones disco patch.” Nina says there are fit problems and it’s dated. Christina Ricci calls the pants “off-putting.”

We then turn to Julie. Heidi says she had high expectations of Julie, but this outfit is bad. Christina says the shirt is charming, but she wouldn’t want to wear it. Kors thinks the pocket is an “I like myself” pocket, and mimes a masturbation situation so we know what he’s talking about.

Anya hammers home the fact that she’s never sewn silk. Nina compliments the pants and top. Heidi’s happy to see that she can really sew. Christina wants the top. They all rave about the butt on the pants, which is excellent.

Bert is next. Heidi is in love with his outfit, calling it “sexy, elegant, and modern.” Nina says he has “adorable boxers” and used them to make an adorable dress. Christina loves the proportions, and Kors likes the tones, but hates Bert’s styling.

Finally we get to bald spanking Josh. He admits that there are fit issues with the shorts. Heidi can’t decide if his or Rafael’s is worse. Um, Rafael’s is, Heidi. No contest. She can tell that the front panel is to hide the fact that it didn’t fit. Nina says that making a pair of white shorts and a tank top shows a lack of imagination.

Heidi sends the designers out. They get hugged by their fellow designers in the green room.

Back on the runway, the judges talk about how the designers did a good job with the challenge. They start their discussion of hate with Joshua’s fit nightmare. Heidi says Rafael’s is just as bad, but Christina thinks the shirt saves it. Nina thinks Rafael doesn’t understand that there’s a problem. Kors says it’s “fashion backward.”

Julie’s was also pretty bad, but Kors acknowledges that she had to work with the juvenile print. Nina says the print was less offensive than the construction of the pants.

Now to the good side. Kors thinks Sex Tape Beauty Queen made the right decisions to get them to stop doubting her, and Christina Ricci loves the top. Kors is still stunned that she can be “that much of a wizard” at sewing already. I feel like this is going to be a theme.

Nina loves Anthony’s t-shirt, and Kors likes the overall look. Christina compliments his styling. Finally, Bert. Heidi praises the fact that he listened to their comments, and Kors thinks it was the most interesting garment in terms of design, but the styling freaked him out. They call the designers back out to the runway. Commercial.

And we get one last cop/sexy/family commercial, of course.

Heidi tells Bert he’s the winner of the challenge! Yay!!! Yay Bert! “Dankeschoen,” he tells her. He has immunity for the next challenge. He interviews that he feels amazing and very relieved. Everyone in the green room claps for him. He’s shaking because he’s so freaked out. Bryce says he may have discriminated against Bert because of age.

Heidi tells Anya and Anthony that they’re in too, and they leave the runway. One of the remaining three are out. Julie is in, though. Josh is. . . in. “But Barely,” according to Heidi. Because we can’t get rid of the bald, LDS spanker in the first episode.

Rafael is out. He says he enjoyed his time there. Tim comes in to the green room to collect him and tells him that they’ll miss him. Rafael continues talking but really, does it matter?

This season! Petland! Track! Outdoor runway! Stilts! I will not have it Bert! I’ve never ever felt this worried about people not finishing. If this is too hard for you, you can go any time. That looks bad. She looks like an old grandmother. I haven’t probably gotten this pissed since I had cancer.