B-L-G to the double O-P

I kicked off this whole Gwyneth Paltrow cookbook situation by talking about my complicated relationship with Gwyneth Paltrow. And while I'm currently mostly in the "like" column with her, I'll admit that things can still be a bit fraught at times.

I mean the one minute, she's tweeting awesome things like this:

And COME ON. How hilarious is that? I want to hang out with that girl.

But on the other hand, there are still times when that "I know better than you about everything, and will gladly tell you so" attitude really starts to get to me. For example, when her cookbook includes a recipe for BLT's.

Yes. A recipe. For BLTs.

I mean it's just so...."Get your pencils out, peasants. Gwyneth Paltrow is going to teach you how to make a sandwich."

We do not need that, Gwyneth. The peasants do not need your help to learn how to make a delicious BLT. Oh, and the correct pronunciation is "sangwich."

We do not need you to tell us to cook the bacon in a skillet until it's crispy on both sides.

We especially do not need you to tell us to use turkey bacon, or "fried tempeh bacon to make a delicious vegan version." Bacon comes from pigs. Not turkeys. Not whatever in hell a tempeh is.

We do not need you to tell us to toast the bread. Everyone knows that BLTs should ONLY be eaten on toasted bread. We may not be on your level, Gwyneth, but we're not de classe enough to make a BLT on bread that hasn't been toasted.
We sure as hell do not need you to tell us to "spread one side of each slice of bread with 1 tablespoon of Vegenaise." Firstable, no duh on the "one side" remark. Even people crass enough to eat their BLTs on untoasted bread aren't so stupid as to spread something on both sides. If you did that, you'd get spread all over your hands, and it would destroy your enjoyment of your delicious sangwich.

In the second place, Vegenaise? Is this a recipe for a BLT, or a JTS -- that's Joyless Terrible Sangwich, just in case you didn't know. If you're not using Duke's mayonnaise, you might as well just be spreading book paste on two slices of cardboard.

We don't need you to tell us that the lettuce goes on first. Of course the lettuce goes on first -- it provides a stable backdrop for the tomato and bacon, and keeps any juices from seeping into the bread and making your sangwich soggy and awkward to eat.
The one original touch you brought to this entire enterprise was using two halves of your slow roasted tomatoes in place of normal tomatoes. But did that single contribution really merit an entire recipe? Couldn't you have just devoted a page to "things you can do with my slow roasted tomatoes," and made this one of six or seven suggestions?

Then you tell us to "Shingle 4 pieces of turkey bacon on each sandwich (each sandwich is entitled to 2 whole slices)."

Shingle? Are we making a sangwich or a roof here? Oh, and thanks sooooooo much, Gwyneth, for telling us how much bacon we're entitled to. What would the peasants do without you?

And then you tell us to "top each sandwich with the spare piece of Vegenaise-slathered bread." Like we couldn't have figured it out ourselves. What, the other slice of bread goes ON TOP? You're kidding me! I was going to use it as a sun hat for my cat.
I mean honestly, Gwyneth. It's a sangwich. And when the chips are down, it's not even up there among the best BLTs I've had in my life (and I have eaten many, many a BLT sangwich). The flavor of the roasted tomatoes is overwhelmed by the bacon, and the texture of them is less complimentary to the other components than an equal amount of fresh tomato slices would be.

It could've been worse, I suppose. You could've included a recipe for PB&Js, except the peanut butter would be subbed out in favor of some hippier-than-thou nut butter, and the jelly would be made of tempeh. Whatever the hell that is.