Project Runway: How Much Is That Bald, Spanking Mormon In The Window?

Bald spanking Mormon –
Oh wait – did he say “banking?”
Hm. Doesn’t matter.

Kittens, I am DEPRESSED. In the first place, I made an ass of myself last week thinking that there was some exciting backstory about Josh being some sort of LDS Dom of questionable orientation. “A bald spanking Mormon!” I crowed from the rooftops. “They have hit the jackpots with this dude!”

And then someone kindly pointed out that he was actually a bald banking Mormon, not a spanking one. And that made it much less exciting. It made much more sense, but it was much less exciting.

I then decided I was going to stick with calling him "spanking", because it made him so much more interesting …

…Buried deep in the Salt Lake Temple, past the Celestial Room, accessible only through a secret tunnel located under the Holy of Holies, one man carries out a dark task specially ordained unto generations of his family by the decrees of Joseph Smith. Josh, the Bald, Spanking Mormon, clad only in his gimp mask and his garmies, doles out chastisements to missionaries who called home on a day that was not Mother’s Day, and mortifies the flesh of the church president that he might better receive the word of God.

Fact: It was after a spanking from one of Josh’s ancestors that Joseph Smith was told that polygamy was awesome; after another such that Wilford Woodruff was told it was no longer awesome; and after one from Josh’s own grandfather that Spencer Kimball decided black guys were ok for the priesthood after all. Indeed, pretty much every advancement in LDS doctrine has been preceded by a spanking from a bald man of Josh’s line.

Josh hopes to someday spank the current president into declaring that dudes can marry other dudes, and then that Bald Spanking Dudes can marry MANY other dudes. Until this is written, he’ll continue to look for the right girl….

…anyway, just as soon as I’d reconciled myself to Josh’s bald spanking storyline, he was unceremoniously (but not undeservedly) yanked away from me by being kicked off the show for making something shitty two weeks in a row.

I will miss him so, so very much.

The rest of the episode…meh. It was fine, I guess, but pet store materials just don’t compare to hardware store materials or car parts when it comes to being a challenge to make clothes out of. Too much paper and fleece and stuff – too easy to make into something fabric-esque. And I was actually kind of disappointed by the number of them who really just glued things onto muslin. Yes, the beading was – in some cases – excellent, and the materials used as beads were unusual, but really. When you break it down, the clothes were made of decorated muslin. How much of a challenge is that?

And I don’t love the show becoming so self-aware that Tim kicks off the episode by announcing “it’s the unconventional challenge! A Project Runway favorite!” What’s next, show? What’s next? When two designers accuse a third of cheating, will Tim pop up and announce “it’s the cheating accusation pile on! A Project Runway favorite!”

Anyway. Let’s do this thing before Josh gets angry and comes to spank us.

Morning! New York! Atlas Apartments! Josh the bald spanking Mormon is a bit hung up on the judges’ critique and being in the bottom, but knows he can only go up from here. Or home, Joshie. You can also go home. There are always two choices. The guys in his apartment vow to let Rafael’s empty bed be their inspiration.

Anya feels amazing because now she can compete with the others. Bert is glad to have immunity, and Viktor says they’ll be his “evil friends.” “Oh well. That’s the price you pay for being fabulous,” Bert says. And Viktor gives a look like this is somehow a sketchy thing for Bert to have said. I mean… catty, yes. But it’s a perfectly normal thing for a Project Runway designer to say. It certainly didn’t merit the generous helping of side-eye Viktor was dishing out.

Runway . Heidi emerges and tells them that this challenge will let them “unleash” their creativity. Joshua M. immediately thinks they’ll be doing a fetish/S&M challenge. But no, they head out and meet Tim at Petland. They’ll be getting the materials for their next challenge there. Tim warns them against using a lot of fabric-esque materials, though they’ll be allowed to use muslin for infrastructure.

The designers race through the store picking out their materials on a $300 budget. The live animals, fortunately, are off limits. Anthony’s entire plan is to use things that other people aren’t using. Tim reminds them not to just use things that are easily reduced to just fabric, like dog beds. Cut to Bert, asking a Petland employee to reach him down a dog bed. He is really glad to have immunity for this challenge. Bryce is grabbing pee pads (it drives me mad that the designers keep calling them “wee-wee pads” during the episode. I have never heard them called anything but pee pads, so for the purposes of this recap, pee pads they shall remain) and aquarium filters. Laura has a couple of the Elizabethan “cones of shame”. Time. “Thank you, Petland discounts!” Tim calls out in his “thank you, Mood!” voice. This episode makes me miss Swatch.

Back to the workroom. Tim tells them they have until 11 that night and not very much time tomorrow. Then he leaves them to work. Julie is using the paper from a bunch of Iams bags. She’s no longer happy with her materials. Anthony is using birdseed as beading. Cecilia is using dog food for the same purpose. Bryce has a leopard print cat tunnel. Ooh, I need to get that for my cat – she enjoys leopard print. Laura is making the e-collar into a skirt and covering the “inappropriate” bits with fish tank gravel. Falene feels like she’s under pressure because people expect her to do well in the “artsy” challenge.

Josh is ripping up a cat post, a doggie bed, and an umbrella. Oliver says he’s not crafty, and tells us about being born in Columbus, OH, moving to London alone when he was 16, and then going to Milan for University. Ok, so where in the bluedilly fuck did that – pardon me, but it’s true – FOB Asian by-way-of the home counties accent come from? If he was living in Ohio until he was sixteen and he’s only 22 or so now? I mean… as an Arizonan, I started out with a fairly neutral accent and “absorb”/ unintentionally mimic the speech patterns of those around me really easily. But you’d NEVER get my accent to change that much.

Viktor and Joshua trash talk each other a bit. Commercial.

Back. Workroom. Anya is cutting the head off of some stuffies. They should’ve let my parents’ dogs in there to tear those things apart for them – it would’ve gotten done much faster. Joshua says he loves unconventional challenges because he grew up in the theatre, and yada yada cliché stuff about more being better. Julie is weaving strips of Iams bags into fabric. She tells Bert that “in my mind… this works.” “Yeah, but in your mind, you’re Queen of Austria,” he reminds her. “YOU’RE queen of Austria,” she tells him. Hee.

Laura then prattles something about how she grew up in an upper class family and has shopped at Neiman’s “since I was in single digits.” Oh, barf. Falene freaks about people thinking this is up her alley. Joshua rants about Bert using the most conventional materials. ‘I’m glad I’ve got immunity, doo-dah, doo-dah,” he sings.

Anthony doesn’t know if he’ll have enough time. Oliver is making a top out of a fleecy dog bed. Bryce is stressing about how the pee pads will work. Viktor is dying his pee pads. “This is worse than doing laundry in the river,” he says.

Tim thru! He jokes that with Viktor’s pee pad dress “you never have to get up from your bar stool.” He worries that Bert phoning it in will “recalibrate” the judges’ good opinion of him. He tells Josh that his dress so far is “beautifully done.”

Oh my god, there are more opinions, but I’m having a hard time keeping track of all the designers. And there are a lot of quick cuts between them, so who knows. He’s struck dumb by Laura’s e-collar skirt. He wonders if Joshua’s look “can really be executed in the time we have.” Commercial.

Wait, what the hell? Russian Dolls? Is this some kind of Housewives of New Jersey meets Jersey Shore filtered through a pot of borscht?

Back. We’re still with the quick cut Tim thru. I don’t know why they had to drag this show out to 90 minutes if they’re going to strip it of the elements – like Tim’s critiques – that make it interesting. Anya’s complex dress makes Tim’s brain bleed. Kimberly’s looks like a tire track. Becky’s looks like it sprung from the forest. He thinks Anthony’s birdseed idea is fabulous. On his way out, he tells them he’s hugely enthusiastic about what they’ve got going on.

Model fittings! Viktor’s dress is really tight on his model. Bryce thinks Bert has a crummy attitude about not wanting to make costumey things. Anthony assures his model that they’re going to win this one. Josh is being conscious about fit this time since he got called out for that in the last challenge. Joshua has no top yet, and he’s freaking out. He strategizes. Laura’s model’s butt cheeks are all the way out of her cone of shame skirt. The models leave.

Joshua is working with aquarium rocks now rather than aquarium tubes. Laura throws away her dog collar skirt and starts making a skirt out of deconstructed cat scratchers. My cat hits the TV repeatedly because she’s pissed about the way Laura’s wasting scratchers. Bert compliments Oliver’s sophisticated, minimalist aesthetic. Josh and Joshua become friends.

45 minutes left. Julie feels like she’s up shit creek. Bryce’s skirt is looking “nice and fluffy” according to Becky, but Laura thinks he’s in big trouble. Joshua tells Falene that her skirt is going to “read amazing on the runway.” Anthony is still gluing birdseed. “This shit is for the birds!” he sings. Josh is feeling discouraged when he sees everyone else gluing things on their clothes. Commercial.

Back! Day of Runway show! Becky thinks the room looks like a disaster with all their pet store detritus all over the place. Anthony has discarded the grass and is covering his entire skirt in birdseed. Anya hasn’t even made a skirt.

Tim enters and tells them they have two hours for the blah blah product placement. Their models enter. Anthony says it would be devastating to go home over “birdseed and hot glue.”

Hair and make-up flurry! Oliver wants handlebar moustache man to glue pieces of the fleece fabric to his model’s eyebrows.

10 minutes! Anthony has his model lay on the floor while he finishes gluing on the birdseed. Josh thinks what he made looks really good, even if it doesn’t meet the full criteria of the challenge. Bryce knows that his dress isn’t a winning ensemble. Viktor thinks Laura’s dress is really blah. Anya glues leashes onto her model. Time! They all head down to the runway. Commercial.

Back. Runway. Heidi “Hallos” them, and reminds them that there are 15 of them, but after tonight there will be 14. The judges are Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and Stacey Bendet, who created Alice & Olivia and who is wearing what appears to be a Cyndi Lauper costume I would’ve coveted when I was 7 or 8.

Runway show! Danielle has made a grey skirt with a woven brown top. Falene’s orange skirt is an interesting texture, but that’s the only thing notable about her orange/brown outfit. Anthony’s (right) is a striking beige dress with a high green/grey neck. It’s all over birdseed and there’s something vaguely Egyptian/Cleopatra-esque about it.

Bert has made a boring black dress with two sheer tiers edged out in pink. It looks like something my Barbie would’ve had in the ‘80s. Julie has made a weird asymmetrical dress in browns, oranges and whites. It’s a bit of a mess. Anya has made a black skirt with an intricate woven halter top (left), keeping all the questions about how someone who learned to sew 4 weeks ago consistently goes from having nothing to having an intricately done garment in no time flat.

Bryce has made a giant ESPLOSION of a blue dress. I kind of like the texture on the top, but the skirt is like a costume for some sort of lady bird character from children’s TV. Oh, and what I’d thought was a wide belt is actually his model’s bare midriff, which makes it less striking/classy somehow.

Kimberly has made a too-short black skirt with a blue bodice top of coiled aquarium hoses. Josh the bald spanking Mormon has made a grayish purple skirt with a purple halter and a green belt. Viktor’s is a simple lilac sheath dress – it looks well made, and the dye job is great, but it’s boring. Cecelia’s outfit is a beige top and blue skirt with some sort of textural effect that makes it look floral, somehow. Oliver has made a textured skirt in graduated shades of beige and a fleece top. His model’s fleece encased eyebrows make her look like Mr. Freeze.

Becky’s dress has a BRIGHT purple feathery top and a green and gold skirt. It’s like a loco bird costume, but in a good way. Laura’s outfit is a boring black top with a boring cardboard skirt. Finally we have Joshua, who’s made a black skirt with some sort of mirror hanging off of it, and a dazzling beaded top.

Heidi calls: Danielle, Julie, Laura, Viktor, Becky, Cecilia, Kimberly, Anya, Bert. They are safe. But Heidi has one thing to say: Bert is lucky to have immunity. He agrees. They all go back to the green room. The models for the other 6 designers come out on the runway. Commercial.

Back. Heidi begins the critique with Bryce, who explains his rabbit bedding top and pee pad skirt. Kors says this is yet another of the many “ugly napkin” dresses they’ve seen in Project Runway, and that there’s nothing interesting about it. Nina says “she looks like she’s in the Blue Man Group,” proving that Nina has no idea what the Blue Man Group is or looks like. Stacey likes the texture of the top, but the fit’s not great. Heidi says he didn’t manipulate the fabric much.

Anthony explains why he avoided textiles. Heidi likes the dress a lot, and thinks it looks strong and modern. Stacey loves it. Kors thinks it captures “what this challenge is about.” Nina thinks it’s beautiful, and loves the touch of the belt.

Next we have Oliver. Nina loves his animal bed look, and thinks the combination of texture with a simple, dramatic shape works well. Kors loves the ombre effect and thinks the silhouette is terrific. Heidi says he manipulated the materials well. Stacey thinks it’s fabulous, but isn’t a fan of the eyebrows. Kors agrees that they’re distracting.

Josh explains how he changed the umbrella with the puppies. Heidi says he used too much normal material. Kors says he used conventional materials in conventional shapes. Nina gives a disgusted sigh, then says it’s “not terrible,” but it’s just ok. Stacey agrees that you could see this girl in a college bar, but it’s not fashion.

Joshua is next. Nina thinks the top is colorful and beautiful, but doesn’t understand what the “tag” is on the side. Joshua explains that it’s a mirror so your bird can see itself. Yes, Joshua, but what is it in the context of the outfit? Heidi thinks the outfit is modern and unique, but that the model is wearing too much makeup. Stacey loves the sparkle, but thinks the accessories are too vampy. Kors thinks there are too many accessories and that he’s in danger of turning the girl into “sea vixen Barbie.”

Heidi thinks Falene’s silhouette is too simple, and that it doesn’t excite her. Falene agrees that it’s not what she wanted. Nina hates the color combination. Stacey says the accessories are hurting the garment. Kors says there’s nothing interesting about the materials, and that the model looks like “Miss Pumpkin” at “the Autumn Harvest festival.” Falene agrees with them, and doesn’t defend her outfit at all.

Heidi sends the designers back to the green room. The judges start their ripping with Josh and his boring dress. Stacey says there’s something so boring about it that it becomes ugly. Heidi thinks Bryce’s outfit is the worst, and would like to pee all over his pee pad skirt. Heidi is into water sports, I guess. Not a shock, actually. Falene’s was just boring and had horrible colors. “It’s a standoff for who’s the most boring,” Kors said.

On the flip side, Kors loves all the aquarium jewels on Joshua’s top, and Stacey loves the proportions. Nina says the accessorizing killed it. Anthony’s was different than everyone else’s. Nina says there was an issue with the length. She likes Oliver’s outfit more than Anthony’s, saying it’s more sophisticated, elegant, and modern, but Stacey points out that the fit wasn’t as perfect. Kors points out that Anthony and Oliver’s dresses could both walk in the same show. There’s some back and forth between Nina and Heidi over whether Anthony’s or Oliver’s is better. The designers return to the runway. Commercial.

Back. Heidi tells Oliver…that he is the winner of the challenge! He has immunity for the next challenge, and assures him that he will only work harder. He goes back to the green room where they all cheer for him. Anthony is also in, and Heidi tells him his look was her favorite. Joshua is in. Bryce is in.

So it’s down to Falene and Josh. Falene’s outfit was boring, and her color palette didn’t work, and she couldn’t even defend her own design. Josh showed them no imagination, and they question whether they want to see more from him.

Josh is …out. Oh, no! I’ve lost my bald spanking Mormon! Falene goes back to the green room, sobbing about how intense it was.

Heidi gives Josh his aufweidersehn. Tim tells him to feel extremely proud of what he achieved, and sends him to clean his space. Josh says these experiences will help him accomplish great things.

(Editor’s note: after being sent home from Project Runway, Josh combined his actual career with the one he had in my head and became Salt Lake City’s first S&M Banker. He is still looking for the [cough] “right girl”)

Next! Stilts! The bigness of it is very exciting to me. Teams of two/ You act like a small kid. This jacket has taken you 12 hours!Kardashinas! This has no effort. Put into it.