Project Runway: Long Tall Sally is Built For Speed/ Has Everything That Michael Kors Needs

To go against grain
Can be a good thing in life
But not in fabric

Moppets, let me tell you how much I love you and am excited about Project Runway being back. I am currently en vacanze. True, it is not a glamorous vacanze, like my vacanze to Naples in the spring. No, it is a vacanze to my parents’ house. There is a lot of napping and dog walking. But still, a vacanze it is, and yet here I am, recapping the Project Runway for you, and getting up really early in the morning to find the images for the recap.

And also because their dogs are demon creatures who wake you up really early in the morning anyway, even if you don’t have the reality show recaps to write.

But regardless. I am here and awake…and wondering what, really, one can say about the festival of ugly they put out for us last night. Ugly clothes! Ugly attitudes! And at the end of it all, poor little Fallene, our gutsy little Gwen Verdon impersonator, is sent packing for crying a lot and failing to make anything other than a hat.

Let’s break it down, since I kind of just set up three categories.

1) Ugly clothes. I literally hated everything. Actually, no—I take that back. The one thing I didn’t hate was Joshua and Julie’s outfit, which according to the judges was a travesty of poor taste. Whatever, man, it was the one thing that didn’t involve a flowy skirt over flowy pants. And what is Kors SMOKING thinking that a flowy skirt over flowy pants and a top that involves ILLUSION NETTING in unmatched reds is something that’s going to work on a real person as well as on a stilt model? Jesus.

2) Ugly attitudes. Are we supposed to hate Bert, or Viktor? Because my initial impulse was that Bert was a nice old curmudgeon while Viktor was a creepy creepster with eyebags that won’t quit and one of Darren Criss’ leftover Glee costumes trimmed down to short pants. But my final feeling is that they’re both douchebags. Also kind of douchebags: Joshua, Cecilia, Kimberly, and sometimes Bryce.

3) Poor little Fallene, our gutsy little Gwen Verdon impersonator, is sent packing for crying a lot and failing to make anything other than a hat. And so she should be. By only making a hat, she has failed as a designer. By crying a lot, she has failed as a gutsy little Gwen Verdon impersonator. Gwen Verdon does tough vulnerability, yes. But though she may duck her head and get a catch in her throat, she never actually breaks down in tears. You fail on all counts, Fallene. Every single one of them.

But at the same time, I feel bad for her because she did get a bit walked all over by Bryce, and his absolute horror at her being self-taught. It is inconceivable to me that she didn’t know about not cutting against the grain, yes, but he didn’t have to go and whisper it to all the other kids in the lunchroom, like she’s the last one not to know about Santa or sex or something.

Let’s look at this nightmare in exhausting detail, shall we?

Morning! New York! Atlas Apartments! Joshua puts product in his hair and talks about not being ready for Josh to go, and how Fallene is a hairstylist not a designer. Meanwhile, in her apartment Fallene is yawning and waking up. Anthony feels good about having been in the top 3 for the first two challenges.

Runway! Heidi emerges on stilts and carrying the giant velvet bag of doom. I miss the days when it was just a giant bag of models’ names, and not a bag that always contained some sort of shocking twist. Anyway, for their next challenge, they have to think “big. REALLY big.” And then a bunch of models on stilts enter. These are their models for the next challenge, where they’ll have to create an eye catching imaginative and “larger than life” group for the stilt walkers. They’ll be in teams of two, chosen by Heidi from the velvet bag of Doom.

The first pair she pulls out is Bert and Viktor. Viktor doesn’t like this, because he thinks Bert is a difficult person. Bert thinks Viktor’s reaction to the pairing is childish and unprofessional.

Next up are Anthony and Laura, then Joshua and Julie. This makes Joshua nervous. Danielle is with Cecilia. Sex tape beauty queen Anya is with pretentious in every way Olyvyererree (look, if he can’t be assed to spell his name in a way that can be reconciled with the way he pronounces it, then why should I be?). She says she lucked out. Kimberly is with Becky. And Bryce is with Fallene. Fallene wants to shit her pants because they were both on the bottom last time.

Heidi adds that for the first time ever, the show will take place outside in front of a live audience and the press. She wishes them good luck, and she and the stilt walkers exit.

Workroom! The teams start consulting on what they want to do. Tim enters and talks about how thrilling the challenge is. He talks about how Paris couture week causes them to question what’s real and what isn’t. They’ll have 30 minutes to consult with their stilt walker models before going to Mood with $500. And they have ONE DAY for the challenge.

The stilt models duck into the workroom, nearly touching the ceiling, and then sit on tables or do deep crouches while they talk to the designers. They give them the low down on what’s important for stilt fashion – not passing where their feet join the stilts and so on. Fallene and Bryce want to do a big full skirt for their model, who is a tattooed ballerina. Viktor is now talking about Queen Victoria, but sexy. Bert points out that Queen Victoria was in mourning for 50 years, and that what Viktor is talking about is Elizabethan, not Victorian. Viktor thins this makes Bert a know it all. No, Viktor, it just makes him aware that no two queens are the same – you should be able to learn that just by looking around the workroom without having to develop even the most rudimentary working knowledge of history.

Mood! They have 30 minutes. Fabric flurry! Joshua and Julie fully hate each other. Anthony and Laura are buying a lot of red. Olyyyyyeveryrrr and Anya are a “dream team” according to Tim (and a nightmare team according to the American Dialectology Society). Joshua tells Julie that “anything in life can be pleated.” What about kittens, Joshua? What about kittens? Can you pleat them? No? Well, shut up, then.

Fallene refuses to create a “fucking gothic stilt walker.” Two minutes! Time! Thank you, Mood! And Swatch walks past for his first cameo of the season. He sniffs derisively and looks at the camera as though to say “this? This is what you’ve sent me this year, Klum? Seriously, this whole enterprise stinks more and more of desperation with every passing year. One wonders what depths you’ll sink to before this is finally over.” And then he waddles off camera to lick his junk. Yay, Swatch.

Workroom. Bert and Viktor continue hating each other. Tim tells the designers they have until 9 tonight. Viktor hates the fabric they’re working with. Joshua and Julie are making a “romantic matador stiltwalker.” Bert and Viktor hate each other again, some more. Bert thinks the direction they’re going is all wrong. Viktor says Bert acts “like a small kid” and doesn’t let him talk. Yes, because mature people walk out of the room passive aggressively referring to the person they’re fighting with as “a 57 year old kid.” Commercial.

Back. Joshua demands that Viktor tell him about his huge fight with Bert. Viktor thinks Bert is defensive. Viktor tries to make it Bert’s design, even though he’s the one who came up with this Queen Whoever vision in the first place. Viktor thinks Bert is trying to sabotage him. I think Viktor should eat a bag of dicks.

Laura and Anthony are making a big ass hoopskirt to give volume on the bottom without it getting caught in the stilts. Olyeyveryveyrrr talks about how group challenges are about collaboration. Julie pokes Joshua to make her point. Joshua thinks they could swap genders. Danielle and Cecilia are working with chiffon. Becky and Kimberly are basically just not speaking to each other. Bryce and Fallene are making the world’s largest tutu. Bryce says that their dress needs to be “a thin line between costume and fashion.” Dude, it’s for a stilt walker. You’re going to end up on the costume side of that thin line whether you mean to or not. And then he nixes the waistband she wants to put on.

Julie tells Danielle that she and Joshua are working well together. Joshua tells everyone else that he’s basically working alone. Anthony and Laura have to ditch their hoop skirt. Becky works to keep Kimberly from putting gold lame on their outfit. Bryce gives us a lesson on why it’s important to match the grain of a fabric as Fallene frets about being able to do that. Bryce clutches his pearls and tells everyone in the green room that Fallene doesn’t know about the grain.

Tim thru! He thinks Joshua and Julie’s pants are smashing. So do I, though Anthony says they remind him of Beetlejuice. He cautions Danielle and Cecilia about proportion. Viktor and Bert hate each other in the presence of Tim, and argue about whose horrible idea their “ghastly” dress is. Bert rats Viktor out for fleeing instead of working through things. Commercial.

Back. Tim is concerned team Bertkor is not working together, and that neither of them has said “we” once during the conversation.

Tim “wows” all the red at Laura and Anthony’s station, and says their shoulder pads are very on trend for fall. Hate. Please tell me that shoulder pads aren’t actually on trend for fall? I’ve already lived through the ‘80s once. I can’t do it again. Becky and Kimberly explain how their jacket is designed to show off the model’s tattoo and how they’ve divided the work to what they’re best suited to. Bryce worries that the skirt is getting too big. He wants Fallene to get the bodice done so they can work on the pants.

At the team of unintelligible accents, Anya and Olyeiveivvier throw Tim off with their dress. Tim leaves.

Viktor calls Bert “Bertzilla,” which actually seems to go over better than all of his previous shitassed passive aggressiveness. Becky thinks Bryce and Fallene are in trouble because all they have is the tutu. Joshua tries to show Julie how to quickly and effectively ruche the bodice.

Two and a half hours left. Cecilia and Danielle bicker. A lot. Ceclia is concerned.

Stilt models enter! Olyevevever and Anya’s outfit looks AWFUL – there’s some sort of agonizing granny print involved. Fallene and Bryce’s bodice is off grain. Fallene gets to recutting it. Bryce worries about how it will go. Danielle and Cecilia stop screaming at each other and hug because their outfit actually looks ok. Bryce has a feeling they’re going to be in the bottom. Fallene sobs and apologizes for letting him down. The clock hits 9, and they leave the workroom.

Next day! 4:30 a.m. Everyone gets ready for the outdoor runway show. Viktor and Bert come to some sort of reconciliation about their look, both claiming that they’re happy with it.

Workroom! Viktor and Bert are chilling out since they’re finished on time. Fallene and Bryce are trying to improvise something to substitute for the bodice. Bryce takes over all together. Bert feels like Bryce has pushed Fallene around a lot. I cannot get over the ugliness of Olyeyvvver and Anya’s print.

Enter Tim! They’ll be leaving the workroom in an hour and a half for the outdoor runway. Joshua is speechless to be part of the first public outdoor runway in Project Runway history. Commercial.

Back. Seventy five minutes until they leave for the runway. Bryce is stressed out and Fallene feels bad. Anya is frustrated with Olyyyyverrr. Bert gives Joshua bling for his jacket. Laura and Anthony are racing around trying to finish. Fallene is creating a headpiece.

Models! They have an hour for blah blah hair makeup blah blah Piperlime blah blah product placement. The models are off their stilts. Julie asks Joshua if he wants to be in charge of the makeup. “I think you’ll be better at it,” she says. “I’ll wager that!” he laughs. Oh, have they forgotten his clown whore styling from last week already?

Hair and makeup flurry! And then the designers and Tim all head out to the runway. Fallene is terrified and regrets having let Bryce take over instead of making it work herself.

They arrive at Battery Park, where the judges are all doing press. Anya finds it exhilarating. Fallene is panicked and cries to Tim. She feels like she’s not even a designer right now. Commercial.

Back. Heidi walks out onto the outdoor runway. She needs to get her roots touched up. Anyway, she yaps about how doing an outdoor public show has been a dream of hers, and introduces Kors, Nina, and Kim Kardashian “Fashion Entrepreneur.” Cough. Sorry. Something in my throat.

Let’s start the show! We open with Josh and Julie’s Circus Matador outfit, which is awesome psychotic pants with a red shiny top and a red cape jacket thing. I kind of love it. Apparently this means I have no taste whatsoever.

Bert and Vitktor’s model is dressed as Queen Bertkoria, which involves a brocade top with a weird iridescent skirt and pants. Gross. Fallene and Bryce have made a Giant tutu thing over pants with a black tank top and a belt in the material the bodice was meant to be in.

Kimberly and Becky’s model is dressed in green pants with a one sleeved striped jacket. Their model has the worst walk, which Becky puts off to her wearing borrowed stilts. Who knew not working with your own stilts could throw a girl off so much?

Anya and Ollllliiivvverrr have made a grey vest of the sort Anya always makes over a flowing skirt in that tragic print that looks better from a distance than it did on the form. Cecilia and Danielle’s outfit is brown pants and turquoise top paired with tragically bad ‘60s secretary hair. She looks like a minor character on Mad Men … on stilts. Stilt Secretary. She’ll end up having an affair with Pete Campbell, who has hidden his secret yen for extremely tall women all these years (come back, Mad Men! Please come back!).

We finish with Anthony and Laura, who’ve made a red skirt and pants with red top with illusion netting and feathered shoulders. Their model’s walk is awkward too. I kind of think that the stilt walk being so unlike a regular model’s walk is undermining all the clothes for me (or rather I thought that until I looked at the still pictures and realized everything really was just that ugly).

The models do a final walkabout, which underscores for me that I kind of really hate everything on this runway. We quick cut back to Parsons where Heidi asks if they enjoyed the live audience. Heidi calls out Olyvevyer and Anya as being able to move on to the next runway. Anthony/Laura Danielle/Cecilia and Kimberly/Becky had the highest scores. Joshua/Julie, Fallene/Bryce and Bert/Viktor had the lowest.

Heidi sends the low scoring teams off. They go back and Joshua complains about how all the people who did ready to wear stuff are on the runway, while all those who did costumes are at the bottom. Commercial.

Back. We begin with Anthony and Laura. Heidi liked it a lot and thought it was “dramatic enough.” Kim Kardashian loves it and thinks it’s elegant “not costumey at all.” Honey, it involves illusion netting. There is no place for illusion netting in real life. Nina thought the way it moved was beautiful, but finds it referential, and says this is a recurring problem with Anthony. Kors thinks it would still be fabulous even if it weren’t on stilts. Anthony claims he told Laura before they got there that she wanted her to take credit and get the win if they had the top look.

Danielle and Cecilia explain their division of labor – Danielle top; Cecilia pants. Heidi says the hair ruins it for her. “The HAYER is CA-RAYZEE!” Kors explodes. Kim finds the color “rich.” Nina says it’s a pretty outfit, but too quiet. So essentially, it’s on stage for the mere fact that it’s not costumey, but will not win because it’s not costumey enough.

Kimberly explains that she did the pants and Becky did the jacket in their collaboration. Heidi says that it’s sharp and “almost perfect.” Kors tells Kimberly she cuts a mean pant, and says the jacket will make everyone want to get the model’s tattoo. Nina wishes they’d edited the “circusy” half collar.

Heidi tells them to send out the losers. Bert and Viktor go first. Viktor explains that he did the bottom and Viktor did the top. Kors says it’s like “the wallpaper and curtains at a really tacky catering hall.” Kim Kardashian makes some sort of weird comment about The Sound of Music and Marie Antoinette. It’s so sad to watch her trying to be Project Runway clever/bitchy rather than Keeping up with the Kardashians petty/vapid/bitchy. It’s actually kind of painful. This must be why they cut all her lines. Bert says he didn’t create it. Viktor says he owns the work “with him,” Bert turns “slightly lobster color” according to Heidi.

Kim says Bryce and Fallene’s outfit has no effort put into it. Nina says the idea had promise, but there’s “nothing.” Bryce agrees that it’s “half done,” but Nina calls it “none done.” Kors loves the headpiece, and Fallene laughs that at least she did something. Bryce says that both of them should go home if they lost, but when pressed both he and Fallene say Fallene.

Julie explains that she came up with the matador concept. Kors yells “ole” ninety times and says drama doesn’t have to mean tacky. Nina points out that the tiny arms with the huge legs look weird and disproportionate. Heidi says it’s well made. Julie and Joshua both choose Julie to go home if things go awry.

The judges begin deliberating. Laura and Anthony’s was “modern, dramatic” and “exciting.” Danielle and Cecilia’s outfit was “really chic” and the beading was beautiful. Becky and Kimberly’s outfit was impeccably tailored and the proportions were right, and the look was cohesive.

On the bad side, Julie and Josh were an odd team, and made an “insane, very tacky matador outfit.” Bryce and Fallene made a “Black Swan Bob Fosse combo.” Viktor “totally threw Bert under the bus,” and Bert threw back. Heidi and Kim think Viktor is full of it. They’ve made a decision, and call the designers back out. Commercial.

Hasn’t this sexy cop who has sex show been on for two weeks now? Why are they showing the same commercial still?

Back. Heidi tells Anthony and Laura that they did a great job, and that Laura is the winner of this challenge. She has immunity next time. Anthony is also in. Laura says that winning is “awesome.” Becky and Kimberly and Danielle and Cecilia are also in. Joshua and Julie are in.

Bert and Viktor are reminded that dramatic doesn’t mean costumey. Bert is in.

Bryce and Fallene’s look was “boring ballerina” with no effort in it. Bryce is in.

So it’s between Fallene and Viktor. Fallene …. Is out. Viktor is in, and is allowed to leave the runway. Fallene gets her aufweidersehn. She’s happy to have tried this, and happy and proud to have made it this far. She gets hugs from Viktor and Cecilia. Tim tells her they’ll miss her and her “eccentricities.” He sends her to clean up her space. She hopes she inspires people to always go with their heart.

Next time! Designing for Nina! You’re so very different, Julie. I’m just trying to be normal. No. No. It’s just looking a little sad. The fabric is a disaster. The choice of fabric is very sad. I mean it’s depressing.