Project Runway: (No Longer) New (Still Un)Balance(d)

(The title is a callback, children)

A green chiffon top
Or unenforced rules of game?
Which sent Danielle home?

Good morning, cornflakes. Did you enjoy last night’s episode? It certainly was full of… things, wasn’t it?

I actually had a hard time taking it all in, both because there were so many … things and because like everyone else on the East Coast, I waiting for this Irene thing to happen, and wondering whether I should try to get the crap out of town before everyone else does. I am usually very good at poo-pooing weather hysteria, muffins, but this one has got itself under my skin.

But the episode. I mean, clearly the first theme was “what a bunch of lousy asshole teammates.” Joshua was a lousy asshole teammate. Bert was a lousy asshole teammate. Anthony and Laura were lousy asshole teammates, and whiny crybabies once it turned out that the fruits of their antagonism were Bert putting out an ok design while they produced crap.

The other theme, though, I think was “this is clearly irregular and unfair.” And the first example of that was Viktor and Ofldffdjfrrr being allowed to choose which contestant came back. When has anyone other than the last person ousted come back when a contestant dropped out, on any reality competition, ever? If Cecilia had done the right thing and dropped out the previous evening (and don’t get me started on Cecilia), Julie would have still been in the competition.

It’s not that I’m not thrilled to have Bald Spanking Mormon Josh back, understand. It’s just one of those things I have to file under (to quote Whitney) not right, but ok.

What is neither right nor ok, though, is Danielle’s ouster. Heidi was absolutely right – as much as I complain about it from time to time, the competition is meant to be based on who made the best and worst outfits that week. Who they want to see more from, or who’s been the better designer overall is only meant to come into play if there’s an absolute tie. And there was absolutely not a tie this week – Danielle made another boring piece of shit garment, yes, but Anthony barely made a garment at all. It was merely a wodge of fabric that managed not to fit his model in anyway, anywhere.

He should’ve been gone. And I hate the universe for making me defend that wet lump Danielle, and for making me agree with Heidi, again.

Let’s get this over with so we can all go buy sandbags, shall we?

Morning! New York! Atlas Apartments. We flash on little cards with the contestants’ names on them, that’ve been set out on top of shoeboxes and gym clothes. Anthony perceptively realizes it’s an athletic challenge. In the ladies’ apartment, Becky tries to rouse Cecilia, who pouts in bed. They also have a note telling them to meet Heidi and Tim at the New Balance track.

Cecilia informs us that she didn’t feel like getting out of bed because she’s angry that the judges sent Julie home and she’s still here. Which… ok, sour princess. Why didn’t you say so on the runway, then? Because last week you said it wouldn’t have made sense to do that. Dumb bitch. She refuses to change into her gym clothes.

Kimberly vows not to ride on her immunity. Danielle giggles that at least she was in “the top of the bottom 3.”Ulgh, useless lump. Eventually, everyone heads out, even Cecilia.

They turn up at The Armory and hit the track. “Look how cute you guys are,” Heidi tells them. They’re here because Heidi thought it would be a good idea to get them out of the house… and because they’ll be working in four teams of three for the next challenge, and each team will have a captain. Anthony and Viktor don’t want Bert. Bert doesn’t want anyone.

To determine who becomes captain, they have to run around the 200 meter track. The winners will be captains. Cecilia mopes some more about how unhappy she is to be there. She heads over to Tim and Heidi, explaining that “I tried my best to get out yesterday” because she “hate[s] this.” Really, dumbass? Really? You tried your best? You stopped just short of trying to mention that you didn’t want to be there so that you would’ve been the one sent home, didn’t you?

They give her the talk about how it’s not going to work for her if she doesn’t want to be there. She opts to go, saying she doesn’t want to take anyone’s opportunity (except for Julie’s, which she was clearly fine taking the previous night). She wanders off the track, saying it took her a long time to become the woman she wants to be and she doesn’t want to change that for anyone. Whatever. Don’t let the door hit you.

After a heavy moment, the designers run their asses around the track. Danielle says she’s “like hauling ass.” Olsdfidfdfr wipes out on the track. Joshua is first across the finish line. Bryce and Anthony follow behind him, and then Viktor. Bert is the last one to cross the finish line, with Heidi joining him in heels for the last few meters.

A medic takes a look at Oliver. Oliver faints while being examined. “This looks bad,” says Tim Gunn, master of understatement. Commercial.

Back. Olfirfdfsdr interviews that he had a panic attack. He thinks he’ll be fine, though.

Heidi and Tim call up the team captains, and tell them to choose. Joshua chooses Anya, of course, since everyone thinks she’s some sort of taste and design savant despite her poor sewing skills and her tendency to make the same top week after week. Bryce chooses Kimberly, of course, because she was last week’s winner. Anthony chooses Laura ,of course, because they’re ass buddies from the previous challenge. Viktor picks Orersfdfdffr, of course, because they want to have all the incomprehensible accents on one team.

“This feels like volleyball in Jr. High School,” Bert tells Becky and Danielle, since they’re the last three left. Joshua takes Becky. Bryce takes Danielle. And Anthony is stuck with Bert. Viktor and Oliver are stuck with two… but they can choose ANYONE who’s been eliminated to come back and be on their team and in the competition again.

And they choose…JOSH C!!!!! The Bald Spanking Mormon is BACK! Time for a little LDS & M, baby!

Heidi tells them that they have to create a look to go with the sneakers she’s designed for New Balance. They have to use denim and suede (sneaker materials) and make 3 winning looks. The winning look will be sold on Amazon as part of Heidi’s line. Aha, another make money for Heidi challenge. These are always so delightful. Or not.

They have 30 minutes to caucus and sketch before going to Mood. On team Joshua M., Becky wants to design an off the shoulder dress that can be worn “with leggings or without.” Joshua winces at leggings, which he says are over. Oh, thank God. I hope he’s right. I hope leggings really are over.

Team Viktor and Ofdfffrrr have vague ideas that they communicate to each other through a series of chirps and beeps. Bryce and his team seem to have cohesive ideas and pull them together pretty quickly. Anthony and Laura discard all of Bert’s ideas.

Tim tells them to get back into their street clothes and go to MOOD. They have a $300 budget and 30 minutes to shop. Fabric flurry! Josh and Anya override all of Becky’s ideas. Viktor thinks he and Offfrr have an advantage because they don’t have to struggle with a third person. Bert isn’t being allowed input into the fabric choices on his team either. Time! Thank you Mood.

Back at Parsons, Tim reminds them that the denim and suede should be prominent in their looks, but it should be present. They have until 11 p.m. tonight.

Bryce and Danielle are frustrated from having been on the bottom, and he feels like they’re the underdogs.

The door swings open and Team Viktor walks in complete with their Bald Spanking Mormon. “I’m the happiest boy alive!” he says. Laura is happy Josh C. came back because “he’s a good person. He deserves it.” Commercial.

Back. The teams continue working. Anya and Joshua consult with each other and ignore Becky. Joshua says he needs her for her work, not “to be thinking too much, or designing anything at all.” Jesus. What a fucking douchebag.

Anthony is trying to keep the peace on his time, but finds Bert’s attitude sour. Bert also doesn’t remember Anthony’s name, because apparently he doesn’t think he’s “that significant.” I’m beginning to wonder if Bert is ok in the head.

Becky is shocked to learn that Anya’s never sewn jersey. Becky’s beginning to feel like her teammates’ intern, not a member of the team.

Heidi and Tim thru. Oh, good. Let’s see some stank German bitchery. She wonders if team Bryce’s “cowl hoodie” is really fashion forward or cool, and says their leather dress is boxy and a hard sell to be part of their collection. Kimberly feels like they have to start over. Laura interviews that “Bryce is a sunken ship” and it’s time for him to go home.

On team Viktor, they call the long skirt “a bit farmy,” and she doesn’t think the pieces in their collection work together. Oliverrrsrsefsdfr feels like on the runway he can prove they’ll love his farmy skirt.

On team Anthony, she questions the neck on Laura’s design, and asks Anthony to think about his “high waisted Grecian Goddess jumpsuit” with sneakers. They think Bert’s is too dressy too.

They head to team Joshua M., and Heidi asks why he’s making the same dress he made last week. They want to infuse Anya’s modernness into Joshua’s design. Tim is worried about the fact that Becky’s role in the process has been so “trivialized” that she’ll be thrown under the bus.

It’s nine when Heidi and Tim leave, and she decides to give them until 4 a.m. instead of eleven. They all clap like idiots. Yayyyyy! We get to stay up until 4!!!! Yayyyy!!!! It doesn’t seem to occur to them that there are probably ways she could’ve extended the time that might’ve been more humane, like moving the runway show the next day back the same number of hours or something.

Becky tries to suggest some changes to the dress, and Joshua says “Becky, you design dowdy dresses.” She walks off. He says her demographic is “40 to dead” and then corners her in the sewing room and tries to tell her that dowdy isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Then he flounces off and continues berating her from a distance. She shuts herself in the women’s room, slamming the stall door in the cameraman’s face. Good for her. The cameraman pretty much deserved it. Commercial.

Back. Becky is still crying in the ladies’. Anya comes in and asks if she can talk to her. Joshua barges in and makes a more articulate apology. It’s not sincere, but at least it’s the right words. They do an insincere team hug to cap it off.

Models. Oferrrr thinks the outfit Heidi didn’t like looks amazing. Laura and Anthony don’t think Bert’s skirt works, and he thinks their works look Midwestern. Anthony says that if their team loses, Bert’s out.

Danielle worries that the extra time could be a curse because Heidi will wonder why they didn’t do more with it. Joshua’s team adds red stripes for a pop of color. Fashion flurry. Time.

Next day. Anthony is running a fever and feels like crap. Tim enters and tells them they have two hours for blah blah blah product placement. Bert and Joshua have a fight over a sewing machine, and Bert tells Joshua to drop dead. Bert thinks Joshua tries to intimidate people with his brashness, and mutters “self centered prick.” Which…Bert’s a grouch, but he’s not wrong.

Hair and make-up flurry. They get the models dressed and accessorized, and the models with their sneakers head down to the runway. Laura feels like her fate is completely out of her hands. Commercial.

Back. Runway. Heidi Hallos them while wearing some sort of …glittery cat suit? She welcomes Josh the Bald Spanking Mormon back to the contest, and then introduces the judges: Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and Model and Designer Erin Wasson. Let’s start the show.

First out is Viktor’s grey cotton dress under a cute motorcycle style jacket. Josh’s contribution is pants with a grey t-shirt – just an ordinary grey t-shirt with some weird leather detail. And Odfsierrrr has made a dark leather or denim racer back top with the much malighned farmer skirt.

Next out we have Bryce’s usual space dress, this time rendered in the denim. Kimberly has made some tailored shorts and a pretty fierce jacket. Danielle has made a horrible teal tank top and a pair of extremely boring shorts. She should be so gone.

And here comes Anthony’s look, a shittastic jumper with gymshorts at the bottom. It’s too big on the model too. Laura’s outfit is shorts and a tank with some sort of drapey vest. Bert has made a mini skirt and an off the shoulder top in the same material Laura’s top is. Some of the ladies whisper that it looks like she’s going to work and sparing her heels.

Joshua’s outfit is shorts and a long t-shirt with a shredded vest. Next we have Becky’s contribution which god knows who designed it, but it’s this messy skirt with an equally messy tank top. Anya’s dress looks like it’s made from a space leopard, but it’s better than the shit the other two produced.

Heidi tells them it was a little bit all over the place (thank you, Heidi Klum, mistress of understatement)– in each team, there were looks they liked and ones they didn’t, so there were no clear higher or lower teams. They’re going to be talking to all of them, beginning with Joshua and Anthony’s teams. Bryce and BSMJosh note that the teams out there now are the ones who couldn’t work together. Commercial.

Back. Heidi begins with Anthony’s group. He lists who worked on what, and says he and Laura worked well together, but Bert didn’t. Bert says he tried to work with them as a team. Anthony says he didn’t like Bert’s look. Bert brings up the fabric issues. Anthony keeps yelling at Bert about how his look looks like a cocktail dress.

Heidi asks Anthony if Bert’s look is going to a diner, where’s his going. “Nowhere,” he admits. Kors points out that the shorts are big and tight at the same time, and that she has both cameltoe and camelbutt. Heidi tells them that Bert’s is the only good look on the team. Ha. Suck it, mean girls. Kors says that it’s not necessarily appropriate for the challenge, but it works, whereas Anthony made one messy garment and Laura made three messy garments. He doesn’t see a connection between any of the three looks. Anthony claims that he got caught up in trying to work with “everyone” and that Laura was a pleasure to work with. Oh, bullshit. You two princesses didn’t “try” to work with Bert – I’m not saying he would’ve been a joy to work with if you had – don’t even pretend you did.

Joshua tells them he had a hand in all three pieces, but that he did the center one, Becky’s was the two piece, and Anya’s was the maxi dress. Heidi feels like they used the extra time to bedazzle their existing looks instead of improving them. She thinks Anya’s look is the best one out there, but Kors thinks it’s too tailored. Heidi’s confused about Joshua’s shredded jacket, but Nina likes it. Nina really doesn’t like Becky’s look. Joshua, to his credit, admits that he gave her a lot of direction on it, and that they had a disagreement. Becky says that Joshua didn’t trust her to design, and that she was picked as a seamstress, not a designer. Kors and the other judge point out that at least their team had some synchronicity.

They head back to the green room. Anthony tells Bert he’s not the easiest person to work with. Bert blames it on a generational issue. They each blame the other for making snide comments.

We join the other teams on the runway, where Viktor explains the division of labor on their team. Viktor’s look is Heidi’s favorite, and everyone compliments the jacket. Oliver’s skirt gets more “farm” criticism. They like Joshua’s t-shirt with a holster. Nina says she really likes the collection, and that it has a road warrior look.

Bryce explains who made which mess on his team. Kors likes Bryce’s space dress, even though it hasn’t been more than “safe” any of the other times he’s made it. The others don’t look like they were designed and made by a single person (I think this is meant to indicate that they’re lacking cohesion, not just as a collection but as individual outfits). Kors thinks Danielle’s tank is terrible, and Heidi feels like it’s the same “green top” she keeps making. Nina doesn’t understand why the turquoise isn’t anywhere else in the collection. Heidi says Kimberly’s jacket is sellable and cute, but shouldn’t go with those shorts.

They send the designers away, and Heidi says it was crazy. Kors doesn’t mean any other group having so many problems, and that Anthony was obviously a poor leader, and he made the worst outfit. Erin thinks Joshua was smart to admit that he chose Anya for her vibe and Becky for her skill. Heidi thinks it’s very sellable. That’s her word for the day.

Viktor’s team was “slouchy with heart,” but the farm skirt was a weak link. They think Viktor was a great captain and made the best look. Bryce’s collection had the right attitude, and Kors loved his space dress. Nina thinks Danielle is a bit of a problem because she has ambitious plans but can’t deliver, and she never stops making crap tops out of green chiffon (ok, those are my words).

Erin thinks that Anthony’s look was messy, but Nina thinks he has promise as a designer. “We go week by week,” Heidi reminds them. “It’s not fair to let him go on when Danielle has done something that’s alright.” They fight again, and the show once more sticks Heidi Klum in the unlikely role of voice of reason.

Heidi calls the designers out and says that since this was her challenge, she’s been changing the rules a little bit. So she wants to do one more thing to mix it up. Commercial.

Back. Heidi tells Viktor he’s the winner of the challenge. Joshua is also the winner of the challenge. Viktor’s dress and jacket will be made for Heidi’s line, as will Joshua’s team’s maxi dress. Ok, but that’s Anya’s dress – the look Joshua had the least input in. Should he really get the win (and immunity) for someone else’s design just because he was team leader? They both have immunity next week and can’t be eliminated. Their whole teams are in. Everyone hugs back in the green room.

Out on the runway, Heidi tells Bert he’s in. Laura is in. Kimberly is in. Bryce is in.

So it’s down to Danielle and Anthony. Heidi says it wasn’t an easy decision and it wasn’t unanimous. Danielle bored them again with another poorly made chiffon blouse. Anthony completely fell apart on the challenge. Anthony… is in. But if it was up to Heidi alone, he’d be out. He cries and hugs Danielle, then goes back to the green room where all the cool kids hug him and Laura talks about how much they had to go through together. Ulch, cry me a river, jerks. I’m sure it was soooooooo hard for you to go through constantly shooting Bert down and not letting him participate while he shot you the occasional snide remark. It’s practically Auschwitz.

Danielle thanks the judges, and says that she’s disappointed to have to leave now. The second string kids hug her. Tim enters and says he admires and respects all of them for being truthful on the runway, and sends Danielle to clean up her space. She says she doesn’t have any regrets, but she doesn’t think her look was the worst and she doesn’t think she should’ve gone.

Next time: Working with children. How cute is that. It looks like Carmen Miranda and a Vampire. He’s worried more about being safe than he is about showing them. You actually glued your top to the model? That’s against the rules.