Top Chef Just Desserts: Fairy Tales Can Come True...

A house made of cake
And a bossy attitude
Lina’s going home

Good morning, my pineapple brioches. How are you today? Did you enjoy the premiere of season 2 of Top Chef: Just Desserts?

I have conflicted feelings about it myself. I liked both challenges a lot, but something seemed super off with the editing. After episode one, I don’t know half the cheftestants names – and I feel like Bravo doesn’t either. It seems like they introduced a few people: The Villain (Orlando); His Nemesis (Chris); The Sassy Black Lady (Melissa); and The Bottom Two (Craig and Lina) and then didn't bother with the rest of them.

It will make it easy to tell who’s going home week by week, though. Whoever we meet that we haven’t met before is clearly going to end up being cannon fodder.

I don’t 100% agree with the ouster, though. Craig was so lost and so clearly out of his depth. He was basically an anchor around his team’s neck instead of a third teammate. But then the judges didn’t see his floundering in the kitchen; they had every opportunity to see Lina’s bitchassedness at Judges’ Table. So I guess in their shoes, I probably would’ve made the same call.

On a shallow note, I LOVE these chic black chefs coats. So sassy. And now, the show.

Morning! Los Angeles! It’s time for the traditional arrival of the Top Chefs, which this time is being staged at at some sort of pier set up. Chris H orders a Coke from a soda jerk. He’s the youngest pastry chef champion… IN THE WORLD. Orlando competed against him in a competition last year, so he thinks the caliber of chefs will be higher than it was last season.

We continue meeting chefs – some of them, at least. It feels like we never really meet about half the chefs this time, doesn’t it? Nelson has a thick accent and Craig has a nebishy voice. Sally was his instructor at pastry school, and says she’s alpha female in the kitchen. Rebecca is planning world domination. That sounds like a notch above alpha female in the kitchen, if you ask me.

And before we can meet the remaining chefs, in walk Johnny and Gail. Gail welcomes them. Vanarin says he can’t believe how beautiful Gail is or how “Johnny’s eyes stare[d] deep into your soul.”

Time for their first quickfire! They’ll be working in pairs, which seems odd for the first quickfire. Usually it’s some kind of “show us who you are” thing so they can get to know the contestants, right? They pair up, somewhat reluctantly. Lina and Craig are the last, and are stuck together. Foreshadowing! The challenge is that they can use any of the ingredients in the soda fountain shack they’ve been clustered around to create a “modern soda fountain treat” that takes a classic soda fountain item to the next level. I could not use the words “soda fountain” more in that sentence if I tried. They have 30 minutes, and both members of the winning team get immunity.

Soda Fountain Flurry! Matthew (who works at CityZen, so he’s our local boy, and I’ll be rooting for him until he turns into an ass or a washout like local girl Heather did last season) and Katzie – who I will probably default to calling Serena Southerlyn at some point because she’s such an Elizabeth Rohm clone -- are making a combination of egg cream and Île Flotant. Carlos, who’s pared with Rebecca, says this is right up his alley. 20 minutes! Lina and Craig are floundering. Lina worries that Craig has no clue what’s going on right now, so she makes an “ode to Elvis.”

17 minutes. Vanarin and Melissa are making a chocolate malt microwave cake. Melissa is from Haiti. Megan and Orlando are doing something with bananas, but Megan is worried that this will be what everyone’s doing. Amanda and Nelson are doing something with pickled cherries because that was the last thing she did before leaving work to come here.

Time! Orlando thinks he could’ve done better by himself.

Gail and Johnny begin tasting with Chris and Sally’s Caramelized Bananas, Wafer Crunch, White Chocolate, and Butter Pecan Ice Cream. Vanarin and Melissa have made Micro Cake with Shattered Banana Carpaccio and White Sauce. Orlando and Megan’s treat is Feuilletine, Brûléed Bananas, Chocolate Ice Cream, and Chocolate Syrup. Carlos and Rebecca’s entry is a Breakfast Milkshake which involves white chocolate ice cream and Cap’n Crunch. Johnny and Gail adorably drink the same shake out of two straws.

Katzie and Matthew are up next with their Chocolate Egg Cream with Île Flottante, Citrus, and Lemon. Amanda and Nelson present their Chocolate Sponge Cake, Pickled Cherries, and Pistachios, which is a play on the flavors of a sundae. Craig and Lina explain their Almond Crispies, Raspberry Sauce, and Butter Pecan Ice Cream as an “Elvis tribute.” Um, no, ya dolts. An Elvis tribute involves peanut butter, ‘nanners, and Fluff. And preferably bacon. Where is the Fluff in this treat? Where is the ‘nanners? Where – WHERE GOD, WHERE??? – is the bacon?

Johnny names his least favorites. Orlando and Megan just made a banana split. Johnny says that Craig and Lina’s had nothing to do with Elvis. My love for Johnny Iuzzini reaches perhaps its all-time peak.

His favorites were Carlos and Rebecca’s cereal milkshake and Amanda and Nelson’s sundae cake. The winner is… Amanda and Nelson. They both get immunity in the first elimination challenge. Amanda says that the immunity is like a get out of jail pass and a chance to get to know the kitchen. Gail tells them to head over to the Just Desserts kitchen. Commercial.

Back. Gail welcomes the chefs and their sassy black coats to the kitchen and introduces the elimination challenge, which is designed to test their creativity and imagination. Everyone except Nelson and Amanda has to draw an old book, which contains one of four famous fairy tales – Goldilocks, Little Red Riding Hood, Jack and the Beanstalk, or Hansel and Gretel. The story they get determines the team they’re on.

Nelson and Amanda get to choose their teams, since they won. Nelson says that they don’t have Fairy Tales in his country, Argentina (which… I kind of thought Fairy Tales were a borderless thing?), so he chooses Goldilocks. Amanda chooses Little Red Riding Hood.

Gail tells them that each team will be responsible for making a fantastic showpiece and two plated desserts inspired by their fairy tale. They’ll need to make 150 desserts for a costume gala. They’ll have 6 hours to prep in the just desserts kitchen, and 4 hours tomorrow.

It’s a pretty bold challenge for the first elimination – if you’ll recall, last season’s “Showpiece” challenge didn’t kick in until episode 4, when Malika finally quit and Seth finally went totes m’goats off the rails crazypants (and shirtless, so thanks for that one, Bravo).

30 minutes planning. The chefs are shocked at how dark the real ending of Red Riding Hood is – they have the legit “Wolf eats Red/ Woodsman slices him open to save her and Granny” version, not the “Woodsman arrives in the nick of time/Granny was hiding in the closet!” sanitized one. They discuss how to represent their fairy tales. Some of the discussions seem pretty fraught – Craig wants cotton candy clouds somehow, and Nelson still has no idea what a fairy tale is. Orlando is cringing at Rebecca’s idea to use rice pudding to represent Baby Bear’s porridge, which sounds like a solid idea to me. He says he identifies more with the villains of the stories: “screw the heroes, the villains have a lot more to say.” And then he does a faux-villainous laugh. Oh, honey. You’re trying too hard.

The Hansel and Gretel group, predictably, is talking about a gingerbread house. Lina wants to make a cake for their showpiece. The rest of the team hates this idea, but somehow lets her run with it.

After planning, the teams start working on their showpieces. Time counts down crazy quick – I think they jumped from 6 hours to 3 and then down to one and half. On the one hand, I appreciate them not putting us through a “supersized!” episode, but on the other … it makes the episode a bit boring. You don’t really see any of the technique, and it just adds to the problem I’ve already mentioned where we aren’t really getting to know more than two or three of the cheftestants (and only a slim narrative about those). Chris talks about how he and Orlando have competed against each other in the past. Chris is making a Little Red Riding Hood figure out of sugar.

Melissa is annoyed that Lina is trying to get in on the desserts as well as insisting on being the one to do the showpiece. Craig is trying to drill something, and has no drill experience. Rebecca is working with oats instead of rice for her rice pudding, based on Orlando’s recommendation. She worries that he’s trying to sabotage her. I think he’s just a douche, hon.

Four minute thirty seconds. Craig’s team has absolutely no faith in him and isn’t getting anything done on their plated desserts because they keep getting pulled over to help him with the showpiece. Time. Commercial.

Back. At the Just Desserts Loft, the chefs continue to strategize. Craig talks about how he hasn’t pulled sugar in awhile, and Katzie feels like they’re really behind on everything.

Next Day! Four hours to cook. Rebecca is stressed over the texture of her porridge, and worries it won’t get the texture she wants. Orlando is a douche about it. Craig worries that their team has nothing resembling any kind of showpiece. The sugar tube/beanstalk cracks as his teammates are trying to spin the sugar.

Thirty minutes! Lina complains about how Melissa has been negative the whole way through. Eleven minutes. Team Jack is still assembling their beanstalk. Melissa is so pissed with the way their showpiece looks that she wants to kick the table to make it fall “and if we’re all disqualified, fine.” WHOA there, Mrs. Attitude. Time.

The revelers for the Fairy Tale Costume Gala start entering. The judges follow close behind, with Gail in a red cape and Hubert in an 18^th century coat. They love the Goldilocks showpiece. The team’s desserts start with an Almond Bar (which Bravo has not seen fit to include in the photo/description gallery) with elements that bears would like. Hubert likes the crunchiness and thinks the honey ice cream is a nice compliment. Rebecca introduces the too hot/too cold/just right elements of her Baby Bear’s Porridge, Hot Ranier Cherries, Basil Syrup, and Cherry Sorbet. The sorbet, naturally, is too cold; the cherries, obvi, are too hot, and the porridge is juuuuuuusssst right.

Johnny and Whatsername approach the beanstalk showpiece, which Whatsername finds pretty from the front, but they see all the imperfections in the back. Johnny introduces Whatsername – fine, alright. He introduces Danielle to the team, and hears about their Bergamot Clouds, Whipped Lemon Ricotta, Sweet Pea Sorbet, and Spiced Golden Syrup and Brown Butter Hazelnut Cake, Lemongrass Stalk Infused Cream and Passion Fruit. Johnny finds the ginger in the first overpowering, and Danielle says the cake is one note.

Hubert and Gail are impressed by the sugarwork on Little Red Riding Hood’s showpiece. The team behind it introduces their Rose Scented Bomboloni, Coconut Tapioca, and Red Berry Gélee. Hubert finds the texture beautiful. They also have a Blackout Sponge Cake, Cocoa Nib Nougatine, Poached Cherries, and Micro Basil. Gail says the basil adds an enormous amount of flavor.

Finally we have Johnny and Danielle approaching team Hansel and Gretel’s area. Danielle “was wanting to love” their showpiece, but she’s disappointed they didn’t make a gingerbread house. Their desserts begin with a Butterscotch Brioche, Goat Cheese Mousse, and Smoked Pineapple, which is meant to represent the flavors of the forest. Johnny asks what kind of forest has pineapple growing in it. Hee. I love him this year. Their second item is a Chocolate Cloud, Milk Sherbet, and Hibiscus Apple Seltzer. Johnny says the second has too many soft textures without something to break it up.

The judges meet back up and agree that they were “blown away.” They head back to judges’ table. Commercial.

Back. Oh, it’s the fakeback. Melissa is embarrassed by the work their group did, and can’t believe Lina is happy with it. Melissa says if their group is in the bottom, she’s going to fight. This may be the angriest fakeback in the history of fakebacks.

Back. Pudding room. The groups discuss who did what in which group. Craig feels like he had a really rocky start. Gail enters and calls back Team Goldilocks and Team Little Red Riding Hood.

They are, of course, the top two teams. Gail congratulates them. Hubert Keller says that even walking in was like “starting at 11.” Johnny tells Little Red Riding Hood that the desserts raised the bar from last season, and the showpiece blew him away.

Everyone loved Goldilocks’ showpiece, which was Nelson and Orlando’s work. But team Little Red Riding Hood wins. Orlando is displeased. Gail tells them to send back the other two teams.

The losers enter the judges’ table room. Gail tells them they made their least favorite desserts and showpieces.

Gail wonders why team Hansel and Gretel didn’t take the opportunity to make the house made of candy. Lina says she wanted it to be a witches’ house. Melissa talks about how she wanted a gingerbread house. There’s a lot of fighting about how Lina wanted to make a cake. Lina says “I’m not going to say that that’s true.” What the hell ever does that mean? Is that some kind of stupid hedge because you know they have tape of you saying you want to make it out of cake, but you don’t want to admit that in front of the judges? And yet you know that if you lie about it they’ll do that Bravo thing where they show you saying you NEVER wanted to make it in cake and then cut to the sepia tint flashback of you insisting on making it in cake?

This one sentence is enough for me to be delighted that her ass is grass.

Melissa explains her intention with the chocolate cloud. Keller says it was too texturally similar throughout. He thinks Lina’s seltzer didn’t do anything for the dessert. Vanarin’s pineapple brioche didn’t flow together and didn’t seem related to Hansel and Gretel.

Craig steps up and admits that he took on the showpiece not having done some of the tactics on his own before. Johhny thinks his teammates did a good job recovering from his early misstep.

Gail found the ginger in the pea and ginger dessert overpowering, and similarly the hazelnut was overpowering in the other dessert.

The teams are sent away. Danielle says that though Jack’s team only had one side, that side was lovely. Johnny thinks Craig lacks experience and maturity.

Gail was unimpressed with a few of the things Lina did, and Melissa’s dessert was “no exciting at all” to Hubert. Johnny gives her credit for at least knowing they should’ve been going in another direction. Johnny doesn’t know how Vanarin managed to spend 10 hours on brioche and let his team go totally awry. Commercial.

Back. The judges stare down the bottom two teams. Johnny says that things went wrong for both teams. Hansel and Gretel’s desserts didn’t connect to their story, and their showpiece didn’t show much technical skill. Jack and the Beanstalk had problems with flavors, and clearly ran out of time with their showpiece.

Gail tells… Lina to pack her tools and go. She’s a little bit embarrassed to have been eliminated this early, and feels like Melissa threw her under the bus “big time,” and she’s pissed off about it.

This season: Whoa! I have to say, this place is really amazing. On Top Chef, OH MY FUCKING GOD ORIGINAL VERUCA SALT. AND AD ROCK. And the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. “It’s like a food orgasm.” “I’m a hooker. A sugar hooker.” “They always start out so nice to each other.” “I know. Give ‘em a Week.” “Borderline offensive and just tasted bad.”