Project Runway: Well, Well, Well, Well, Do You Know Me Well?

Giant ass pockets
On a Pepto-Bismol dress
Finally, Bryce leaves.

Good morrow, finger puppets! How’s it going so far this morning? I had a rough start – was awakened by a marauding Siamese around 4:30, and made the mistake of trying to go back to sleep. Finally managed it around five, at which point I had a few minutes of a weird dream about work (except it was some sort of hybrid of my real job and the company in Better Off Ted, which I sorely miss), before waking up surly and confused when my “write yo’ damn blog” alarm went off at 5:30. But now a largeish amount of Italian espresso from my little stove top espresso maker has mitigated the grumpies, and I am UP UP UP and ready to talk Project Runway with you.

I rather liked the challenge. I’m glad they brought the ladies in fairly early, because otherwise it would’ve devolved into some weird comedy of errors where the designers were fully into a dress based on the husband’s specs, only to find out that the women hated it. This way, it was more like the mens gave the basic idea, and the women had control from a fairly early point on.

I loved the winning dress as much as I hate its oily, bare chested designer. And I’m super glad that Bryce is finally gone. He designed few things that were memorable and even fewer that were any good, and it seems like his spirit’s been broken by this competition for weeks now. Also, there’s an odd moistness about him that made me very uncomfortable.

Let’s start the show before I achieve lift-off from all the espresso I’ve had, shall we?

Morning! New York! Atlas apartments. Joshua is wearing a leopard tank top. I was going to share with you a partial list of things the large group of gay men I watch this show with said about Joshua within the first 30 seconds, but after typing it out, I realized that even a partial list sounded completely homophobic. Let’s just say: it began with “you can see Joshua’s gayness from space,” and went on from there.

Anyway, Bryce says it’s hard that he’s the only one left who hasn’t had a win. Oh, wow, that’s right. That’s how evenly matched this bunch is in terms of their absolute mediocrity. Everyone but Bryce has had a win. Joshua tells us he’s exhausted mentally and emotionally, but a better person after the last challenge. Oh, fuck you, cockplant. Don’t make me regret not busting out the rest of that list.

On the runway, Heidi greets them and says they’re going to have new clients. Their clients trickle out on to the runway. It’s a bunch of MENS. The designers react with varying degrees of horror. Joshua hesitatingly tells us he does some men…swear.

The Mens introduce themselves. Heidi tells the designers there will be no more immunity going forward. Anya, as the winner of the last challenge and the final immunity-haver, gets to choose her man first. She picks Mike, because he’s the “most slender.” Mike, unaware that his girlish figure has just been complimented on national TV, happily trots offstage. Bryce chooses Javon. Bert chooses Anthony, who does a spirited bell kick and immediately becomes my favorite. Viktor takes George, who looks a bit of a dandy. Joshua picks Joshua, because that’s how deep and pure his narcissism runs.

Olerrsrerserr tells us he’s not pleased with his remaining prospects. “We’re left with all these fat people, and fat is fine, but not when I’m making clothes.” Oh, Oleander. Just when I thought I couldn’t like you less.

Back to the choosing. Anthony chooses Brian – we’re relieved by this, because Brian is kind of rough looking and hippie-ish, and we were going to feel really bad if none of these pretty princesses picked him. Oliver chooses Josh – why must there always be two Joshes? Laura chooses Daryl (and his other brother, Daryl). And Kimberly is stuck with the remaining guy, who she identifies as “dimples.” Heidi sends them all to the workroom so that Tim can explain the challenge.

Tim tells them they’ll be creating a look not for the mens themselves, but for their better halves – their wives and girlfriends. There is a palpable sense of relief among the designers. They’ll be creating the look based on the mens’ descriptions of their partners, to see how well they know each other. So it’s like The Newlywed Game, but with dresses instead of questions designed to elicit questions that can be interpreted as sexual innuendos? Got it. The partners will walk the runway. They have thirty minutes to meet with their mens, and 2 days for the challenge.

The mens enter. Viktor’s guy has no ideas. Anya’s doesn’t know his lady’s favorite color, or what she wears normally. The theme of this segment is “mens don’t pay no attention.”

To reinforce another stereotype, Bert’s dude, Anthony, is focused entirely on his lady’s boobs.

Joshua’s dude (Joshua) says his lady likes “simple,” which worries Joshua in much the same way as being natural and organic in the art-inspired challenge did: it’s not his thing. I think we’ve seen in the past that Joshua is much better off doing things that aren’t his thing, given that his thing is tacky and awful. Javon tells Bryce his girlfriend is into pink, which isn’t Bryce’s thing. See note above. Brian the weird hippie wants to replace his lady’s favorite dress, which he lost recently. Olerrrewrer’s dude wants to see his lady’s curves.

The go to MOOD with the mens. They have thirty minutes and a budget of $200. Laura finds taking the husbands’ advice scary. Olerrswerrr has to ask advice from Tim Gunn about breasts (which is kind of like asking me for advice about boats. I don’t have a boat; I don’t want a boat; I could care fuck-all about boats. Why you askin’ me about your damn boat? Ask a damn boat captain). Oerererwerer tells us “these boobs to me are trouble.” I kind of want to put that statement on a t-shirt and sell it and give the proceeds to breast cancer research. Commercial.

Back. Back at Parsons, Tim tells them that they have until 10 that night to work, and the wives and girlfriends will be in for a fitting.

Work montage. Kimberly explains taping “style lines” to her dude, Dimples, and by extension to us. Bert’s Anthony is still concerned that the dress form’s boobs aren’t big enough. He says that’s what attracted him to her (his wife; not the dress form) in the first place. There’s some sort of motorboating demonstration.

The wives and girlfriends enter. Laura is relieved to see the woman she’s dressing, but wonders how her dude got this wife. Said wife, Rebecca, tells Laura she wants to be a Barbie, because she couldn’t afford Barbies when she was little.

Client-Anthony’s wife Ariana like’s Bert’s more modest design better than Anthony’s boob centric one. I should add here that the way Anthony says “boobs” is such that I began spelling it “BOOOBs” in my notes to capture his tone. The skirt Viktor is making is exactly like the one his client comes in wearing. “I guess we were meant to be together,” he says adorably.

Weird hippie Brian’s wife Caitlin immediately recognizes the dress Anthony is making as a replacement of the one Brian left behind in an airport. Joshua-client’s wife finds Joshua-designer’s design too showy. Olerererr’s client hates the fabric he’s chosen. The couple confuses Oleraeerrr because he doesn’t know which of them to listen to. He tells us he’s “never really worked with a client before.”

Jovan’s wife Janine is adorable, and loves the shitty pink fabric Bryce has chosen. He’s going to dye it to make it brighter.

The wives leave. Bryce tells us he finds it hard to be around two people who are so much in love, and blah blah blah he misses his boyfriend. Anthony interviews that everyone feels bad for Bryce. Commercial.

Back. Next morning. Laura and Anya are snuggling in a single bed. Bryce hopes the clients arent’ there all day.

Workroom. Viktor compares Bryce’s fabric to “an anti-diarrheal medicine.” I guess they couldn’t get clearance to air the first take of that where he said “Pepto Bismol,” right?

The designers work for a bit, then the mens and their wives enter. Oleraererr continues arguing with his couple about the shape of the human ass.

Tim thru! He thinks Viktor’s outfit looks so right for his client that she could’ve come in off the street in it. Anya’s look needs to be cleaned up, and he worries that the sleeve might throw off the proportions. He’s concerned about the cleavage on Bert’s.

Over at Oerarerawerr’s station, the wife, Suzanne, is concerned about the pant but loves the top. Tim worries that the colors are “crayon-y,” and about Oeweraerr’s time management issues. He compliments Joshua for editing himself in this challenge, and Joshua’s client for having such firm breasts that she doesn’t need a bra. Finally, he warns Bryce not to second guess himself. Even as Tim walks away from his table, Bryce second guesses himself.

The clients are dismissed, and Tim tells the designers they have until 11. Bryce is starting over. He talks a lot in the next segment, but we don’t hear him because we’re all too caught up in how he absolutely should not be wearing tank tops, particularly ones that match his skin tone so exactly. Commercial.

Back. Day of show. The designers enter and do finishing touches. Joshua is wearing a shirt off of which he seems to have tragically mislaid all the buttons. Tim Gunn enters and tells them they have two hours for finishing up and all the usual product placement nonsense.

Fashion flurry. The clients enter. Javon says Bryce’s dress is incredible. Bert’s lady practices her walk. Oaerrerr’s is concerned about the pants going up her butt.

Laura thinks Kimberly is in trouble because she hasn’t made clothes for real women. Kimberly’s client, I should mention, has a whole lot of “realness” in her trunk.

Product Placement. Tim has to chase Olaewrerr downstairs to do his hair and makeup.

The client’s dress. Laura says Joshua’s client looks like she’s going to a funeral. Laura is a fucking DUMBASS with no taste – Joshua has designed an impeccably beautiful and classy little black cocktail dress. I can’t believe those words just came out of my mouth… or rather fingers… but it’s true. Anyway, the point is it couldn’t look less funereal.

Tim Gunn announces a surprise – the wives and girlfriends are getting a gift of Piper Lime jewelry. The wives all give each other “what, this shit?” looks. And what about the mens, by the way? Why no gifts for the mens? The mens have done all the work here.

Tim gathers them up for the runway with greater effort than usual, having to tell them “no more sewing! Stop, Stop, Stop, Stop! No more sewing, anyone!” Commercial.

Back. Runway. Heidi successfully subtracts one from 9 to tell us all that after tonight, there’ll be 8 designers left. The mens are sitting with the designers, just as the childrens did in the art-inspired challenge. So cute. The judges are Kors, Nina, and Malin Akerman.

The show opens with Laura’s lady wearing a boring green gown. The color is great and the back is great, and we like her lady better than a lot of the others, but the gown is just pageant. Anthony’s woman is in a sporty black and red little number that my friends immediately begin comparing to the Cheerios costumes from Glee.

Bert has made a fairly basic cocktail dress in a great fabric. The length’s not great, but it certainly shows off Arianna’s BOOOBs. And then we see Joshua’s totally chic little LBD. I would wear the shit out of it.

Bryce has made a pink hooker sheath with giant pockets, presumably for keeping your condoms, lube, and taser in when you’re working the corner. Kimberly’s lady is working the opposite corner in a purple blouse with a black skirt. The proportions of the skirt and the exposed zipper up the back REALLY accentuate the hell out of her badonkadonk. Adorably, her man gives her a “bom-chicka-wow-wow” as she walks the runway.

Olerer’s lady is wearing an ugly beige top with black pants. Poor thing is nipping out on the runway – it must be freezing. Anya has created some sort of black and white caftan nonsense. Finally, Viktor has made a cute little hipster outfit in separates.

Heidi tells Kimberly, Oleareawrer, and Laura that they are in the middle, and can leave. Everyone else has the highest and the lowest scores. Commercial.

Back. Heidi tells Bert, Bryce, and Anthony that they’re the worst, and sends them away so they can talk to the high scorers – Viktor, Joshua, and Anya.

Anya tells the judges some bullshit about her client being an architect, and wanting to make something to an opening. Kors thinks its fabulous. Heidi likes that it’s short and long at the same time. Of course she does. Nina thinks the one sleeve overwhelms the client. Malin Akerman thinks it makes a bold statement in a classy way. I can tell already that this episode will do nothing to elevate my existing opinion of Malin Akerman and her soul searing mediocrity.

Heidi is shocked that Joshua didn’t bedazzle the crap out of his client, but happy that he resisted. My notes say that she then “tries to bully Joshua into marrying her.” That seems unlikely, but whatever. OH. Wait -- just remembered -- Heidi tried to bully client-Joshua into marrying his girlfriend, not designer-Joshua into marrying her-Heidi. Anyway. Malin Akerman thinks it’s a great LBD. Heidi says that it’s elegant and chic with classiness, and Kors says it’s like a “modern Grace Kelly.” Nina says it could work in a color too.

Viktor credits George for describing his lady so well. Malin likes the sheer top. Kors thinks it’s over accessorized. Nina agrees, but also finds it “so charming,” and says it’s nicely balanced.

The bottoms come out. Bert’s client loves her dress, and doesn’t know why she’s here. Bert explains the BOOOBs situation. “Hey, badabing,” Heidi says, hilariously, and tells Anthony that she understands falling for Arianna’s BOOOBs. Stop making me like Heidi, show. Just stop it. Kors thinks it’s too safe, and Malin agrees that it’s a nice dress but she’s seen it before. Nina says it’s tight, short, and shiny, and they’ve seen it from Bert before.

Nina thinks Bryce’s has too many details, and it’s swallowing up the model. Malin likes the pockets, and the client agrees that she wants to put her cell phone in them. I groan audibly – ladies, no matter how big our pockets are or what they’re attached to, we should never, ever, ever put our cell phones in them. We are not men. We have adorable purses. Let us not throw off the line of our clothing by using it for storage.

Anyway, Kors says the dress “looks like you’re going to a buffet table, and you put a lamb chop in one pocket and a beer bottle in the other pocket.”

They move to Anthony. Brian loves the dress, but Malin says it looks like her old cheerleader outfit. Nina says adding the white belt to it makes her look boxy, and Kors says it could be a costume for a “superhero ice skater.” Heidi says it’s “super safe and super boring.”

The designers leave and the judges deliberate, and say exactly what they just said a minute ago, so let’s go to commercial. ‘

Back. Heidi tells Anya that she’s in. Joshua is the winner. He says he’s on cloud 9 because he’s the first to have 2 wins. He goes back stage and makes Anya and Oaerwerer touch his exposed boob.

Viktor is also in. Bert needs to step it up, but he’s also in.

So it’s Bryce and Anthony, and we all know where they’re going with this, right? Anyway, Bryce didn’t capture his client’s spirit, and Anthony made his look frumpy and old fashioned. So Bryce is out. He says some things about this, as they all, always do, but I don’t hear anything he says because my friends – who if you’ll recall, began this episode with a series of gay jokes – have suddenly discovered the tonal similarities between “auf” and “Auschwitz,” and are ending it with a series of Holocaust jokes. Like the comments about Joshua, they’re slightly hilarious, but best kept among friends.

Next week! TEAMS. Again. The Sheep Dogs (this seems to be a band, not actual sheep dogs, mores the pity). MENSWEAR (for real this time). “It draws your eye to the crotch.” “You don’t like it?” Adam Lambert. “I think he looks like Pocahantas.”