Project Runway: Closing Walls And Ticking Clocks Gonna Come Back And Take You Home

Becky made three skirts
Or one skirt three different ways
Not enough to stay.

To echo what I said yesterday, marlins, I don’t have much in the way of preamble. Despite this week being short, it has been ungodly exhausting for some reason. I don’t know if it’s 100% the weather (though I’d venture that it’s at least 60% the weather), or the fact that I’ve been running a sleep deficit since getting home at midnight after waiting out a rain delay in my work clothes in the freezing cold at Tuesday night’s Nationals’ game, or if my cat is secretly torturing me in my sleep, but I just don’t have a lot of energy.

Plus, this was the first time this season I’ve watched the show with other people, making it the first time since November that I’ve recapped something from handwritten notes rather than writing directly into my computer. It makes for a lot more work the morning after, and I’m running a bit late.

So Becky, blah blah blah, out. She seemed like a nice lady, and I would rather have seen Joshua go for being such a cockplant, but what can you do? She made very ordinary clothes, which is not what this show is about.

The other note I have is this: It came up while we were watching the “previouslies” that Josh and Bert are basically the same, very unhappy person, only 30 years apart. I hope they both learn from this experience and course-correct a bit. There’s still time for both of them.

Morning! New York! Atlas apartments. Anthony is happy to have immunity, but wants to win again. Anya is glad she’s never been in the bottom. Josh thinks the avant garde challenge should’ve been his. I think Josh should button his goddamn shirt. Yes, we get it – you are thin, relatively fit, and have a very thorough asesthetician in charge of your waxing. Now put some clothes on (shakes fist, mutters “whippersnapper,” beneath her breath).

On the runway, Heidi “hallos!” them, and tells them that for this challenge, they’ll be working in two teams of five. There will be no team leaders; they’ll all work together on this. Given how well team work has gone off in the past with this bunch, they are all SUPER thrilled to hear this news, naturally.

As last week’s winner, Anthony get’s to choose one team. He begins with Anya, which must stick in his soul sister Laura’s craw a bit (I initially wrote crotch, both because I always arse up that phrase, and because I think there is probably something vaguely sexual about Laura’s jealousy in this situation. Joshua is randomly chosen as the starting member for the other team, and chooses Laura. Then Anya chooses Viktor, and Laura chooses Kimberly. Kimberly is not thrilled to be with Joshua, as she thinks he bullies people. Which, yes. Viktor chooses Olrrrreerrreswerr. Kimberly chooses Becky. Olerrerswrrr chooses Bryce. Finally, Becky chooses Bert.

Anthony is happy with his team. Anya thinks the other team will be a disaster because of Bert and Becky. This is where they should start focusing on both teams, so that there’s a chance for the Bad News Bears to shock everyone and win the whole challenge. But this being Lifetime, home of knock-you-over-the-head unsubtle editing (and something called Dance Moms), they don’t. The bad team will remain the bad team; the good team will grace our screens for less than 6 of the episode’s 90 minutes, so there will be no doubt about winners and losers.

(We’re the losers, by the way. Every single one of us watching this. We’re all the losers)

In the workroom, Tim tells them that this is the challenge where they’ll use all the product placement computers to make their own ugly textiles. They’re really hoping this will evoke another tearful HIV confession, like last season, instead of just a ripped off “esosa” print like it did the season before.

They’ll use their textiles to create a 5 look collection, which they’ll showcase in a full fledged show including video and music. Betsey Johnson comes skipping out to share her creative process with them. She tells them that she always starts with “the girl” she’s designing for – “is she tough, is she slesev?” (no, I don’t know what slesev means, but that’s what my notes say, and if that’s what Betsey Johnson is looking for, I now aspire to be slesev.). they then get to watch a video of Betsey Johnson’s show.

The teams then have 30 minutes to meet and 45 minutes to use the product placement machines to create their textiles. Anthony’s team comes up with an idea based on inkblot tests. Joshua’s doesn’t have such an easy time – Joshua suggests “carnival” whereas Laura says “sea amoeba,” while Becky throws in “gritty.” Joshua then says something about “five female versions of the Village People,” which I initially think is meant to be a metaphor for how disconnected their ideas are, but he does seem to spend some time actually pursuing the notion.

Anthony’s team talks pieces, and they name themselves “Team Chaos.” 1) This is hilarious, since everything we’ve seen so far is them being very orderly while the other team is the one that’s chaotic. 2) I wish they spelled it KAOS, like on Get Smart.

Joshua abdicates responsibility for his team because he thinks he’ll be prepping his own vision for Fashion Week in a few weeks. Ok, given that the Project Runway show is today, and all 9 remaining designers get to show, he isn’t wrong – whether he’s a finalist or not. Still: shut your face, princess. They name themselves “Team Nuts & Bolts.”

They have 45 minutes to design their fabrics. Nuts & Bolts are working on a theme of time and clocks. Becky conceives this in terms of clocks and wheels, while Bert thinks pocket watches, like a train conductor. When they meet back up to compare them, Bert’s doesn’t print on time, or correctly, or something. “So much for my fucking clocks,” he mutters under his breath. Joshua freaks the fuck out – he spouts some nonsense about how Bert’s dirty mouth makes him a negative person (yes, jackass, because the fact that you ride everyone down without swearing makes you a charmer), but really it’s just an excuse to make a scene. Commercial.

Back. Josh continues being an unreasonable dick because Bert sullied his virgin ears with the F word. Becky thinks Josh woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, and that he has to pick on someone, always – it was her last time, it’s Bert this time.

Becky, Kimberly, and Bert work together while Josh whines to Laura, who seems to have some capacity to calm him down. I decided during this episode that while I don’t like Laura’s clothes, I’ll probably like her in about five years – once she gets out of her own ass a little bit and stops using her people skills on behalf of festering cockplants like Josh. They decide that she and Josh will do the video while the others go to Mood.

We then see an adorable moment and a half of the other team getting along like a dream. Viktor and Bryce go out to shoot “Chaos.” The others have 30 minutes at Mood to buy supplementary fabrics. Josh films Laura wearing a bunch of different Piper Lime shoes getting in and out of cabs. They hit an antique store and film clocks.

The teams come back together to review their videos. Anya has the great idea to “mirror” the images in their video to reflect the “inkblot” theme. Toward the end of the work day, Josh says he has to make a Public Service Announcement. Oy. Commercial.

We return for Josh’s PSA – he apologizes for his insanity and says there are no excuses. . He and Bert hug. Bert thinks Joshua’s apology is a total insincere cover-your-ass move, but thinks that he did it is more important than how.

The next morning, they meet up back in the workroom and receive their fabrics. Olerrr says their fabric has a subtle but clear message. Bert thinks their fabrics are stronger than the others. Kimberly says her team really is Nuts & Bolts – she and Laura are the bolts; the other 3 are nuts. She’s not using any of the custom textiles on her look because she doesn’t like them.

Laura and Anya meet in the break room to eat and talk shit about people. Becky comes in, and Laura tells her that her skirt – which is covered with numbers – reads “Math Teacher.” Becky thinks that talking behind her back to the other team means that Laura is throwing her under the bus already, but she agrees to remake the skirt in a different fabric.

Timthru! He meets with super happy Team Chaos, who show them their very cohesive collection. This literally lasts all of fifteen seconds. Then he switches over to team Nuts & Bolts, where he’s troubled. He’s troubled by Laura’s jumpsuit (jumpsuits are troubling), and by the scale of the print on Becky’s skirt. She shows him that she’s working on remaking it in the cogs fabric, and he suggests she do it again in Joshua’s fabric, which has scheduling words printed all over it.

Tim tries to talk to the team about where “the girl” is going. He wants Joshua to let his ego go, and says there’s no cohesion among the five of him – there are good things happening, but they’re not happening together. He makes them form a Kumbaya circle and vow to work together.

Joshua weeps about coming from a humble family. Is this supposed to make him look sympathetic? Because it doesn’t. It makes him look like a full of himself jackass cockplant who moves to the city and looks down on where he’s from. Anyway, he calls his dad on the phone and cries a bit about his mom’s birthday and missing her, and not being able to make it back before she died. He also pronounces frustrated as “fustrated” about 97 times, which starts to kill me a little bit. His dad gives him some very solid Midwestern type advice.

Model fittings! Joshua and Bert start working together well. Bryce is making a pair of tragic shorts.

At night in the ladies’ apartment, the girls talk about the stupid Kumbaya moment Tim made them have. Laura thinks it made a huge impact.

Day of the show. Joshua tells us he’s having “so many emotions,” but Laura thinks he’s put the drama behind him. A friend of mine says that Laura looks like a “glamour monkfish,” and tells me to write that down, so I do. I actually think Laura is quite pretty – she just has a normally proportioned face that doesn’t have the exaggerated features you need to come across as truly beautiful on camera.

Anyway, they go to the workroom, they have their hair and makeup scenes, and yada yada yada… Tim leads them off to the runway. Commercial.

Back. On the runway, Heidi welcomes them and introduces the judges – Kors, Nina, Rachel Roy and Rose Byrne. The shows begin.

Team Nuts & Bolts goes first. Joshua has made a blue top with an ugly jacket and ugly pants. Becky’s outfit is a green top with a black bolero and a truly boring skirt. Bert has made an asymmetrical cocktail dress in the “cogs” fabric (left). The length is a bit off, but I lie it otherwise. Kimberly has made a bubble skirt with a chartreuse top. We finish with Laura, who has made a blue Princess Jasmine jumpsuit.

On Team Chaos, we open with Anya’s chic black & white cocktail dress. Bryce has made ugly shorts and a red top. Anthony has made some sort of black & white collision of a skirt and top – I’d like either piece separately with a solid, but I don’t think they work together. Olrerrer has made a ringmaster jacket and pants. We end with Viktor’s gown. The front (right) is nice enough, but the back (left, just below) is just STAGGERING.

Heidi tells them that one member of the winning team will win, while one from the losing team will be out. Team Chaos is the winner, just in case you missed the point of the last 70 minutes. Team Nuts & Bolts is sent back to the green room to pout.

Kimberly asks why Joshua is all of the sudden mute. Becky says he wants her and Bert to go home so “he can have his fun with the rest of you.”

“Becky,” Josh says in his most fustrated princess voice, “this is not about having fun. This is about creating a product that people are going to want. I know what I want to deliver to someone, and I feel that you don’t. So that is probably why I should be here and you should not be here.” Then he gives a cockplant smile to the camera and/or his ass buddy Laura, and arches his eyebrow. Ulch. Cockplant. Commercial.

Back. On the runway. Heidi tells Team chaos she likes all the outfits. Kors likes some more than others. He loves Orerrr’s jacket, and think the evening gown is “chic, sophisticated, and fantastic.” The downer look is Bryce’s which is like this urban sophisticate “went to the mall.” Rose Byrne uselessly says she would wear all of them, and Rachel Roy throws in an equally useless comment about liking the collection. Why are these two dames here? And is that why they need two of them – because they can’t even come up with ½ of a worthwhile comment each?

Anyway, Nina says the styling needs to be more sophisticated. Heidi asks them who should be the winner. They all say themselves, except for Bryce, who says Anya.

Team Nuts & Bolts is dragged out on to the runway. Kimberly explains their time and clocks theme. Heidi thinks their prints are too busy, while Kors thinks it’s too literal. Rachel Roy doesn’t want to wear a print that says “cancelled.” Kors also hates their video, saying all the high heels getting in and out of taxis was like a “hooker convention coming home at night.”

Nina says there were mistakes and missed opportunities. Becky tells them about making and remaking the skirt three times in the different prints. Kors thinks Kimberly was smart not to use their shitty prints and “realize that not a lot of women want ‘cancelled’ on their crotch.” Personally, I’d be more concerned about “delayed” across my breasts, but to each his or her own, I suppose.

The judges think Bert’s dress is well cut. Heidi asks how they worked together. Bert acknowledges that there was an altercation involving Josh. Heidi calls this a pattern, since he fought with Becky during the last team challenge… which you rewarded him for, calling it strong leadership, ya morons. Jesus, this season. It’s so inconsistent it makes my brain bleed.

The team is asked who the weakest link is. Becky and Bert say Josh. Josh and Kimberly say Becky. Laura says Bert. The judges send them away.

They begin their discussion with the favorites. Kors says Olerrrer’s tailoring is spectacular. Heidi found Viktor’s beautiful, and Kors says it was interesting but wearable. Heidi also thinks Anya’s was beautiful, and Nina says she has a wonderful eye for prints.

On the other team, they were bored by Becky’s outfit – she can sew, but as Kors points out, it’s not “Project Seamstress.” Heidi worries about Josh’s taste level. Nina agrees that he made the worst print, and Kors says he’s a dictator/bully. Just say cockplant, Michael. It’s easier.

They then discuss Bert, but I can’t read my notes for shit – it looks as though Nina says Bert has no pants, but Michael says he knows how to craft and is a hot teaslag. Rose Byrne either says he doesn’t do anything, or just doesn’t do anything herself. The latter seems infinitely more likely. Commercial.

Back. Heidi names Anya the winner. She’s thrilled because she’s being recognized for her skills. The whole team is in.

On the other team, Laura, Kimberly, and Bert are all in. So it’s Joshua and Becky. Joshua was very involved in the fashion show, and it was bad. His print missed the mark. Becky’s look was the weakest in a weak collection.

So Becky is out. She doesn’t think she deserved to go home, but agrees she may be more commercial than the others.

Next week! Oh, Christ, I can’t read my notes here at all. Here’s what it looks like “Mars wear celery but lie elegant. I don’t have any personal experience with lithium. Looks like she slept in her car. Why way to look wacky.”

I appreciate any insight you can offer into what any of that nonsense actually means.