Project Runway: LDS....&M

Bald Spanking Mormon
Out for bondage waitress
Hope it sticks this time.

Guys, this show. I mean, seriously. This show.

(Oh, but before I launch into this tirade, let me apologize to the people who are looking for Top Chef: Just Desserts. I had a commitment on Wednesday night, but will get to that show sometime this weekend)

Anyway, as I was saying: this show. Is it just me, or have they completely (pun totally and thoroughly intended) lost the thread?

I mean, it’s not just that the critiques were so fekakta (I hated it! I also hated it! Well, I loved it. I loved two elements and hated two others) that not only do I have no idea how they came up with a top and bottom, but that some of the designers on the runway finished the critique portion of events not knowing who was on the top and bottom (although, granted, that was Bert, and he consistently has trouble with things like learning people’s names and not being a dickslice).

It’s not even just that they’ve amassed a crop of designers who seem to have absolutely no understanding of what avant garde means. I mean, let’s be honest – there are always at least four or five jackholes who hear avant garde and make a prom dress, or a Ren Faire costume, or old lady underwear. There may be more than usual this time, but it’s not a new phenomenon.

It’s the judges, peaches. It’s that those judges sat down to judge an avant garde challenge, and ended up rewarding… a chiffon princess dress with some strips glued to it.

What, my little landmines, what exactly in the bright blue blazes of holy hell, is that even remotely ahead of? Jorts and a tank top? Is that our threshold? “Designers, we’re going to call this an avant garde challenge, but as long as you make something that’s vaguely more au courant than jorts and a tank top, you still stand a chance of winning. Make it work.”

Augh. This show.

I can’t muster any more sadness for Josh, my poor little Bald Spanking Mormon, on his second ouster. In the first place, he shouldn’t have come back, period. Putting his return in the hands of the other designers and frog jumping him over two challenges (and two competitors who deserved to comeback more than he did) that the other designers had to complete was among the worst moves this show has made lately. And this show has made a lot of bad moves. A Lot.

In the second place, at least this time, Josh the BSM made something that was true to his character – a bondage wolf waitress costume. The judges may not have liked it, but you and I will always know that it was the purest expression of his bald, spanking self.

Let’s just do this, can we?

Morning! New York! Atlas Apartments! In guys’ apartment #1, Anthony doesn’t want to be in the bottom 2 again, but he and Bert have called a truce. Bert says he’s not going to be an asshole to anybody because he’s tired of having to make amends. Ok, it’s not the most gracious reason for a transformation, but whatever gets you to that place of yes, Bert.

In the girls’ apartment, Laura hates Becky for some reason. I don’t think we’ve seen her hating Becky before; it kind of seems to come out of nowhere. In Bryce and the 2 Joshs’ apartment, they high five. The girls decree that a guy needs to go home—“two if possible,” Kimberly adds.

On the runway, Heidi reminds them that Victor and Joshua have immunity. She’s sending them “back to school” for this challenge. Anthony thinks they’ll either be dressing students or teachers.

Tim meets them at Harlem School of the Arts, where they meet the President and CEO, the director of visual arts, and a bunch of students who’ve created art. The designers will be collaborating with one of the students on a piece of art. That piece will inspire an avant garde look. They have two days for this challenge “which is an indication of how ambitious we want you to be.”

Oh, guys. Remember when a lot of the challenges were two day challenges, not just the ones where you were meant to be super ambitious?

Anya is excited because her parents run some sort of foundation for children and the arts. The designers pair off with their kids and start creating their art. Viktor’s student, Skyy, wants him to make something “bustier-ish,” even though she’s not sure what a bustier is. He finds her mouthy, but loves the swirls she makes on her paintings. Bert gets a quiet young man named Antonio, and they get along well.

Josh the Bald Spanking Mormon is determined to prove himself. His artist tells him she’ll cry every time the judges say something negative about his work. That poor little girl must’ve produced a flood of tears last night if her parents let her watch. Olfrrffr depresses the crap out of his poor teenager by saying he likes to listen to “depressing music” when he works. Laura unloads on Kai, her little 11 year old about how hard the last challenge was. Kai tells her “failure is opportunity in disguise.” Laura asks her if she can get her number to call when she needs help. Anthony and his kid make self portraits.

They wrap up. Some of the art is really cool. The designers now have 30 minutes to sketch a design for their avante garde look based on the art. “I’m never having kids,” Victor tells us. “Oh my Lord of the Rings.” Bert sees his student’s painting an opportunity to do a totally different silhouette than the ones he’s made so far. Good instinct, since he’s pretty much made the same stripped down silhouette every single time. Olfeferrr is confused. Joshua finds nothing inspiring about his student’s tree painting, because he’s “not organic. I’m totally fake.” Anthony is doing a nude dress since he and his student are nekkid in their self portrait. Josh BSM doesn’t want to be too literal. “Thank you, Harlem School of the Arts!” Tim calls as they leave.

Mood! 30 minutes! SWATCH!!!! As the designers chase around looking for fabric, Tim chases Swatch through the aisles. I dream of a show that’s nothing but Tim and Swatch frolicking among the bolts at Mood. I want to be there with them. (Note: This picture of Tim and Swatch frolicking is actually from last season. Whoever’s picking the photos at mylifetime.com this season doesn’t understand the demand for fresh Swatch pics for every episode, apparently).

Anyway. Fabric flurry. They’re all buying millions of yards. Olffrrrr is buying chiffon even though he’s never worked with it before. “You’re not getting fur, are you?” Tim asks Josh Bald Spanking Mormon. Swatch whines in horror at the idea that anyone would use fur. SWATCH!!!!! JBSM agrees to faux fur.

Time! Josh BSM has only spent $166ish of his $300, and reminds us that this is his first time at Mood. you know, since he went out on the second challenge, when they’d only used their own pajamas and the pet store stuff. Ulch, him coming back was the purest expression of fail.

Back to the workroom. Viktor thinks Josh BSM’s wolf fake hair thing is going to be crazy, and that Anya has a lot of feathers. He doesn’t see a lot of potential in the room. Commercial.

Back. Workroom. Everyone is pinning away at their avant garde looks. Tim enters and tells them they have until 10 that night and all day the next. He’ll check in with them tomorrow. At Bert’s prompting, he reminds them that this is an avant garde challenge, not a red carpet challenge. Laura says that to her, avant garde means something that can’t be worn in “real life.”

Everyone works. Joshua is painting a circle skirt to look like wood. He’s making a burning tree dress, and may “carve” his mom’s initials on it since he lost her to ovarian cancer.

Josh BSM is playing with his faux fur. Bert is dying bodice and pant fabric. He’s trying to create a silhouette that balloons out over the hips without making his model look silly. A dummy falls over. “Man down,” someone says. Laura is burning the edges of her organza to keep it from fraying as she cuts flowers out of it.

Joshua is excited to see what Becky is doing for the challenge. He thinks his direction in the team challenge might have helped her think outside the box. HA! Sure, Joshua. You were a bronzer coated inspiration to her. Or you scared her out of her skin and broke her spirit altogether. One of those.

Laura asks Bert if he’s gay or straight, and if he’s married. “Widowed,” he says, and tells them about how his partner of 18 years died of AIDS. He tells us again about how his partner’s death took him to a “dark place” that he used alcohol to cope with in a call-back to the first episode. Then he video chats with his family. They’re rehumanizing him, I think. Hope it’s not too little too late.

Before long, it’s 10 and they head back to the Atlas apartments. Laura has anxiety about Josh’s wolf look. “He has a lot to prove,” Kimberly says, reminding them that Josh was in the bottom twice before he left and then got brought back.

Next day. Back in the workroom, everyone returns to their forms. Viktor tells us that Olivererrsfsdr is a “turtle” because he works slowly and a “worrier.” Hilariously, Viktor makes it very clear that he’s saying “worrier” and not “warrior,” which is nice because of the accent but hysterical in that he thinks anyone, anywhere, ever would’ve thought he said Olerrursrr was a warrior.

Tim enters and has good news – their artwork has arrived via special delivery. It’s their kids! The designers show the kids what they’re doing and how it’s taken from their paintings. Bryce measures his girl’s head, for some reason. Josh BSM’s girl, Sasha, suggests that he texture the bodice. Skyy loves Viktor’s dress.

Tim thru! He talks to the designers and student/artists. He supports Anthony’s plan to scrap the orange, which was his artist’s idea. Anya is trying not to veer into costume. He warns Kimberly to “avoid giving Michael Kors the opportunity to say you’re having a Hiawatha moment.” Kai diplomatically says that Laura’s will look “much better once it’s a finished project.”

Tim warns Becky to keep it sophisticated “to a degree” and keep it from looking like a craft project. Which is tough, since she’s making a gown out of denim with little squares and things attached. Tim tells her she might not be doing enough. Commercial.

Back. Kimberly thinks Bert’s look is too literal, but Tim says it’s “not expected of you, which is a good thing.” He thinks Ofererrrr isn’t taking his look far enough, and isn’t really avant garde. Tim questions whether Joshua’s look will stand on its own without the explanation about his mom and the tree and things. He asks if Josh BSM is maybe being too literal. Josh agrees, and starts editing. Viktor is scared and tense when Skyy takes over the conversation with Tim, but she really sells the concept to him.

The designers are told to say goodbye to the students for now – they’ll see them again at the runway show. Viktor has had a revelation and now likes Skyy because she’s funny and will shut down Kors if he starts anything.

Work work work. Bryce is losing his mind trying to figure out how to take the dark creepy aspect of the painting and incorporate it into his look. Laura thinks Olfddrr hasn’t taken his design to the right place.

Three hours left. Anya asks Josh BSM how it feels to be back. She thinks he should be making more of a point to prove himself. I’m not an Anya fan, but I SUPER LOVE the rainbow top she’s wearing in this interview. Josh BSM makes himself a fairly convincing fake Mohawk out of his faux fur.

Model fitting! It’s really quick and then we’re right back to the work. Becky worries about the fact that she’s in the middle because she hasn’t been in the bottom or the top. Laura is going to town with a glue gun. Viktor “secretly” likes Bert’s outfit because even if it isn’t “tasteful to a lot of people,” it’s fun to look at.

30 minutes to end of the day. Josh is stuck and can’t bust out of his literal costume box. “It looks kind of like Carmen Miranda and a Vampire,” Viktor says helpfully. Josh doesn’t want to blow his second chance. Commercial.

Back. Day of Runway. At the apartments, Becky is redying the blue part of her hair. Olferrr isn’t nervous, but Anya is concerned about him. Josh is scrapping all the fur from his look to get away from the literal.

Workroom. 3 hours to runway. Joshua says this is the first time since his mother passed that he feels inspired again. Tim enters and tells them they have 2 hours for blah blah products blah blah blah, and tells them to think very thoughtfully about how to style their avant garde looks.

The models enter. Olfdrerr thinks he made a mistake in spending too much time on the top garment. Then he says a fair bit of deeply unintelligible stuff. Why don’t they caption him?

Hair and make-up flurry. There’s a lot of dramatic makeup and big hair. Anya gives her very white model an afro.

Back in the workroom. Oliverrsfrerrr borrows Bert’s glue and is going to glue a blue patch to his model’s boob. Tim enters, and asks why he’s glued the top to his model. He tells him it’s against the rules to mitigate construction issues with glue. Viktor interviews that gluing, to him, is like cheating. He’s not wrong, but hmm…. I wonder who told on Oldrererrr?

Becky thinks Laura’s looks like a Barbie dress. Joshua thinks it’s time for Bryce to go home. Kimberly thinks Bert’s is “kid crafty.” Anthony thinks he’s going to be in the top. Commercial.

Back. On the runway, Heidi “hallos” them, and reminds them that there are 11 of them now, but after tonight there’ll be ten. She also welcomes the Harlem School of the Arts students. The judges are Kors, Zanna Roberts Rossi, who is sitting in for Nina, and Kenneth Cole.

The show opens with Kimberly’s look, which is a kind of showgirl looking thing based on the bird painting. Becky has made an asymmetrical gown covered in little foamy nobs and squares. Let me say right now that the best thing about this runway is watching the high school students. Some of them are so absolutely thrilled to be there, and excited to see the designs their paintings inspired.

Oldkedrrrr has draped his model in a few sheets. Joshua’s burning toxic tree outfit is the brown “wood” skirt and a puffy “flame” top in oranges and golds – high in front, cut out back. It’s kind of stunning.

Bert has done this insane dramatic silhouette with a really exaggerated long-legged high waisted jodfur and a teeny tiny top. It’s like the stilt looks all over again, but in a good way. Viktor’s model appears to be wrapped in party streamers.

Laura has made … ok, it looks like a down on her luck southern belle Barbie, but apparently “busted fairy” is what Laura was going for, so… success? Bryce (at right) has made an orange “straight jacket” top (don’t laugh, but if that was a sweater? I would so fucking wear that. Short brown skirt, brown boots, super hot) and a voluminous blue skirt.

Josh BSM has made a BDSM/Elizabethan /Hansel looking leiderhosen thing. Anthony’s look is a sheer nude dress with strips of colored fabric covering the naughty bits. Anya’ has made a feathered bodice and a kind of insane overskirt thing. I like it – it’s desolate, just like her student’s picture.

Heidi calls Kimberly, Viktor, Becky, Bryce, and Anya. They’re all safe to move on to the next challenge, and can leave the runway. They head back to the greenroom, and speculate about who’s in the top and bottom. There’s a lot of disagreement about whether Bert’s on the top or bottom. “If Bert wins, I am jumping out that fucking window,” Bryce says.

The other designers’ models join them on the runway. Heidi reminds them that one of them will be the winner and one will be out. Commercial.

Back. Joshua explains his “toxic tree” concept from Patrice’s painting. Heidi likes his look and the painted effect on the fabric. Kenneth Cole also loves the skirt, and the contrast between top and bottom. Kors says the texture on the skirt is spectacular, but calls the styling “Tim Burton-y.” Zanna asks about the initials on the tree.

Josh BSM explains his artist’s wolf painting. Kors says it’s not avant garde because she looks like “a Victorian cocktail waitress in Las Vegas.” Zanna thinks it’s trashy. Heidi saw it and thought “I’m going to be a hooker for Halloween.” Or, maybe Heidi just thinks that on a fairly regular basis. Making her grocery list– “I’m going to be a hooker for Halloween.” Picking the kids up from school – “I’m going to be a hooker for Halloween.” Browsing the American Folk Art Gallery at the Met – “I’m going to be a hooker for Halloween.” Anyway. Kenneth Cole thinks the proportions are awkward and the effect “dominatrix-y” but overall it’s not bad, it just doesn’t come together.

Zanna thinks the art and fashion of Bert’s aren’t in harmony. Kors says that while avant garde can be “oddly beautiful,” Bert’s model just looks misshapen. Heidi actually liked it, and liked that it was very literal and not sad or drab. Kenneth Cole thinks it’s too outside the box, and he doesn’t get the forms.

Laura explains how her dress references Kai’s painting. Zanna says she couldn’t see the connection before, but she can now. Kenneth Cole likes the interplay of the corset and the soft fabric. Kors and Heidi say essentially the same thing.

Oldrrurrr explains Tanya’s dream painting. Heidi says it all looks sad, and that the painting is much more vibrant. Zanna says the top half is extremely well constructed, and the bottom is just loose fabric. She thinks the interpretation is good but boring. Kenneth Cole has the opposite reaction – he thinks there are too many details. Kors thinks the bodice is spectacular, but the rest of the dress “looks like Mood exploded on her.”

Heidi loves Anthony’s dress, and finds it sexy and modern, and simple yet powerful. Kors says it gets the attitude of the painting without being literal. Kenneth Cole says it feels “homemade” and he struggles with the execution. He likes it a lot, but he feels like it’s “not there.” Zanna likes the brushstroke effect of the strips.

Heidi dismisses the designers, who head back to the green room. Even having been there, Bert can’t figure out who was in the bottom. Laura says they didn’t go after the bottom, but Josh disagrees.

The judges start with the top. They think Joshua’s was “very cool” and well thought out. They like the mix of soft and hard in Laura’s, and Heidi thinks it was well made. Heidi says Anthony’s was beautiful and well made, and Kors thinks that you could see someone wearing a version of it. Cole still has gripes with the execution.

On the bottom, Cole says Oerererrr’s dress just didn’t work, and Kors says his clothes are “like Valium clothes.” Heidi is bored with his sad grey clothes. Josh is “still in love with his hooker,” according to Kors, and didn’t do anything with his painting. Cole calls it “pure generic dominatrix wear.” Kors was surprised by Bert’s outfit “but not in a good way.” He thinks it looks like “something a Teletubbie would wear to a party.” They’re all perplexed by the toys stuck to the outfit. They reach a decision, and call the designers back out. Commercial.

Back. Heidi tells Anthony that he is the winner of this week’s challenge. Oy. They made a very basic dress the winner of the avant garde challenge. He’s excited to have finally won and be a bride, not a bridesmaid.

Joshua and Laura are also in, and allowed to leave. Heidi tells Bert that he’s lucky she liked his outfit. He’s in.

So it’s Josh or Olererer. Josh’s look wasn’t avant garde, it was just bad. Oliererrs construction was a mess, and his look was sad. Olererururr …. is in. Josh is out again. He thanks Heidi and the judges. He says elimination gets easier the second time around. Good for him. He’s grateful for everything he learned.

Tim hugs Josh and tells him “you’re experiencing twice what most Project Runway designers only get to experience once.” He sends him up to the workroom. Josh is content with his effort.

Next time. Two teams of five. That is a disaster just waiting to happen. “I will. Not have it Bert.” “I wasn’t able to make it back to see my mom one last time.” “That textile gives me hives.” “Can you all join hands for a minute?” “Who is the weakest link?”