Project Runway: Men, Men, Men, Men, Manly Men.

Oh, Oh, Olivier
(The second I is silent)
You’re a jerk. Get lost.

Peaches, I’m exhausted. As the two of you who watch Top Chef Just Desserts know, I had to be up at the ass crack of dawn yesterday to go to Baltimore. And then I had to spend all day in Baltimore. It was exhausting.

So forgive me if I’m brief. I am utterly JOYFUL that we’ve gotten shot of that pretentious knob Oliver with the extra I so it’s spelled like the actor Laurence Olivier but pronounced like the small orange cat in Oliver and Company. I’m so glad we’re rid of him, and his fakey-fake-fake accent, and his affected mannerisms, and his clothes that are made only for mannequins, because actual people might ruin them by breathing or having flesh on their bones or something crazy.

And I was sorely disappointed in how much they crapped up the menswear challenge. It’s been so long since we had a menswear challenge, and then we do and they come up with all this crap that looks like poo stained bedspreads and bad hippie costumes that you might buy in a bag at Target. Which is maybe why we don’t have menswear challenges often, I guess, because it all turns out so poorly.

I just don’t have the energy to say too much about it. And I have to go to work, despite really just wanting to stay in bed sleeping all day. So let’s do this.

Morning! Atlas apartments! The boys in one apartment eat cereal together cheerily. In the other, Joshua mopes alone, since there are only 5 dudes left and everyone from his apartment has been eliminated. Anya tells us that everyone who’s left is her friend.

Runway! Heidi hallos them and tells them that image is everything. Tim will meet them at the Rockwood Music Hall with the details. Well, it’s a good thing that someone is meeting them somewhere for the details, because Heidi has apparently devolved back into her old gnomic self and is just making bizarre statements with no clear bearing on the contest. Anyway, Anthony thinks they’ll be revamping the images of old rockstars. He’s excited.

At the Rockwood Music Hall, Tim introduces Peter Butler of Garnier. We’ve met him in previous seasons, I think. He’s like the Collier Strong for when Actual Collier Strong is unavailable. Anyway, between the two of them they manage to blather out something about an unsigned band being on the cover of Rolling Stone. Said band is The Sheepdogs. The designers’ challenge is to take them “to the next level,” whatever the fuck that means. The winning look will be featured in advertorials in Marie Claire and Rolling Stone.

And, since it’s a band, and it’s this year and no one on any show is allowed to work alone, ever, they’ll be working in TEAMS! Yayyyyy!!!! Except not. The first team is Olestra, Viktor, Kimberly, and Joshua, meaning that team two is Bert, Laura, Anya, and Anthony. Laura bitches about how she always has to work with Bert in every team challenge.

Tim introduces the Sheepdogs, who are all men. Kimberly bitches about having to make menswear, which she’s never done. The Sheepdogs play a song for the designers so they can get a sense of their vibe. Oleander, unused to the strange human noise we call “music,” freaks out and covers his ears. Anyway, the Sheepdogs aren’t bad – their song is a pleasant, 60s sounding little tune. Then the band members give some ideas about what they want from their looks. One wants a dashiki, one wants Jeans, Joshua is drawn to Ryan’s “snakeskin boots.” I can only assume “snakeskin boots” is gay slang for “crotchital area,” since that’s what Joshua ends up designing for. And Laura likes Leot’s idea about red jeans. Or pants.

Tim explains that each designer will make a look for one band member. The teams don’t have to be cohesive – which is really good, because I can imagine in a pure team challenge, you’d end up with some dreadful matchy-matchy shit. And these are the Sheepdogs, not Josie and the Pussy Cats.

The designers divide up the bands and get to working. On “Team Harmony,” Anya takes Sam, Laura takes Leot, Anthony takes Ryan, and Bert takes Ewan. On “Team Untitled,” Kimberly will design for Sam, Viktor takes Leot, Origami takes Ewan, and Joshua takes Ryan and his bulging package. I mean snakeskin boots. One of those.

Bert jokes to his team that he’ll come in handy because he’s actually from the era the Sheepdogs are inspired by. Anthony interviews that Bert may be from the sixties, but whether he remembers it is another thing entirely.

MOOD. Laura looks for dyeable denim. Overage wants corduroy, and runs short on time. Anya is shocked by what she buys. Laura runs out of money, but Bert has plenty to spare and gives some to her. Thank you, MOOD.

Back at Parsons, they get out their fabrics. Olestra bitches about Ewan being bigger than mannequins. Well, it’s nice that his sizeism applies equally to both genders, I guess. Commercial.

Back. Everyone is designing. We see Joshua’s horrifying hairy ass as he tries the fit on the pants he’s making. It’s really gross. In the lunch room, Anya and Viktor gossip about Overlap’s inability to work with actual people

Peter Butler and Tim arrive to have a hair consultation or something about the band members. I assume that’s what happens, anyway -- my notes just say “Garnier thingy”. We learn a lot about styling men’s longish textured hair, which is really useful if you’re Jesus or something, but has no useful application in my own life.

Suddenly it’s Day 2 and we’re back in the apartment. Anthony shaves. Kimberly wonders what Bert will do since he has no extra fabric.

Back at Parsons, they get to work. Bert’s dyed fabric has come out grape juice purple rather than navy blue.

Tim thru! He brings the Sheepdogs with him, and the individual band members come and check on their looks. Leot thinks Laura’s red denim needs to go darker, and he doesn’t want the shirt to show off his “rug” of chest hair. Sam likes Anya’s idea. Ryan likes “the wood” print Anthony has chosen. We see Bert’s pants, and I immediately start singing the “la da da, la da da da” portion of “Me and Bobby McGee,” because they look like something Janis Joplin would wear. So… era appropriate, but gender not so much. Tim Gunn agrees with me that they feel a little feminine, and Ewan says there’s a “lot of purple going on.” Commercial.

Back. We see the other team’s looks. Tim worries that Viktor’s look for Leot will look cheap. Sam wants something simpler than the brown and plaid combo Kimberly has planned. Anya has given her some fabric he likes better – Anya will be pissed if having been helpful ends up benefiting the other team.

Joshua wants to draw the eye to Ryan’s crotch. He apparently can’t sell to straight men. Oarlock doesn’t know if Ewan will be happy with the shirt he’s making for him. I can’t see how he possibly would, since the shirt appears to be made out of the Jessica McClintock dress I had for my eighth grade graduation in 1991.

Two hours left until the clients come back for the fittings. Bert redyes his pants to try and get a less purple-y color. And then some other stuff happens that I ignore, because the next note I have is “client fittings.”

Client fittings! I love Bert’s Ewan pants, but I’m a lady. Viktor talks about … ok, help me translate this people, because my notes appear to say “Viktor talks about how Kimberly and Anya can’t structure butchery wkit.”

Ewan calls Orgasm’s pants “a little wedgifying.”

Fashion flurry! Orchestra drifts into the lunch room, borne on a soft wind like a piece of dandelion fuzz, and almost overhears Anya and Joshua talking shit about him. At this point, we decide that Orville is actually Dieter from the old "Sprockets" sketch on Saturday Night Live (we’d previously decided he was Tila Tequilla –have you ever seen them together? – so Dieter seems almost charitable).

At this point, we stop paying attention, because we’ve decided that this show was made to kill rock n’ roll. And gays. And women. But the show goes to commercial.

Back. Day of runway show. Kimberly is stressing about the cut of her pants. Tim Gunn tells them they have a jam packed morning because of sharing their models. Also, the models will perform in each of their outfits rather than walking the runway.

Bert is tie dying. He hasn’t tie-dyed since 1971. There’s some situation on the back of the shirt that makes it look like Ewan pooed. Ewan spends his fitting with the other team sitting around in his briefs – not because he actually pooed, but because Oregon hasn’t made him any pants yet. As for the top, I realize that it’s not my eighth grade graduation dress – it’s the yellow and blue Ralph Lauren Home bedspread that half the girls in my freshman year dorm had in 1995.

Kimberly has made her dude a uniform for his part-time job at Arby’s in 1976. Anya isn’t satisfied with her outfit, but is crossing her fingers that she’s better than Kimberly. Commercial.

Runway. Heidi gives them the horns in silhouette, and then welcomes them to the first ever rock concert on the runway. The judges are Kors, Garcia, and Adam Lambert. One of my friends says that Adam Lambert looks like a “hard, fat Pink.”

The Sheepdogs perform in team Harmony’s costumes. It’s a lot of purple and fringe. Anthony says Ryan looks like Rock Jesus. Bert’s pants are awesome, but he has Ewan wearing dreadful braids. The band plays a second song while wearing Team Untitled’s designs. The collision of browns and florals make it look like someone’s pooed on their Laura Ashley sheets. Commercial.

Back. We begin with Team Harmony’s clothes. Kors doesn’t see any swagger in their designs, and Nina says everything is “very expected.”

They open with Laura’s outfit for Leot. Kors likes the dark colors and retro vibe. It’s one of Heidi’s favorites. Lambert says it’s 70s, but also contemporary. Kors says the top looks like he cut himself shaving, and she needed to push it further. And Nina thinks the jacket looks like a ladies’ jacket, and the scarf is like a scarf from the mall.

Adam Lambert likes Bert’s poo tunic, and thinks it’s very chic. Kors says he wouldn’t have thought that Bert had a rocker in him. And Nina likes the stupid braids.

On the other hand, Nina thinks that Anya has made Sam look like Pocahontas, and his pants are splitting in the back. Kors says her outfit is a combination of “Reggae Jesus” and a “suede lobster bib,” and that her only 4 months of sewing is really showing itself here.

Finally, Anthony. Heidi thinks it’s ok, but Kors says it’s “Golden Girls goes rock & roll.” Adam Lambert… I don’t know. The notes look like they say the outfit “reminds him of his doom,” but that seems unlikely.

Now it’s Team Untitled’s turn. Okefenokee gets his first, as Heidi says his outfit is really boring. Lambert says it’s not a flattering cut, and Nina tells him it’s not the right look for the band’s lead. Lambert also hates the upholstery fabric.

Kors thinks Kimberly’s look is “Peter Brady at an Autumn Harvest,” while Nina calls it “Old Man PJ’s.” Adam Lambert says it’s “Scooby-Doo, where are you?”

Kors loves Viktor’s jacket, and Heidi agrees that it’s impeccable. Then Kors says something about “Mad Max meets Woodstock.” Nina says it’s very impressive.

Heidi likes the crotch zipper on Joshua’s pants, but hates the fringe. Lambert agrees that the pants are cool and the zipper is sexy. Nina thinks the look is too tricky.

They send the designers off for deliberation. They don’t like Osteopath, Anya, or Kimberly’s looks. They’re particularly shocked by Ochre’s unfinished design since he’s a menswear designer. He is?

On the plus side, Heidi thinks Joshua’s guy is hottest. Joshua thought the same thing, but is that reason enough for him to win. Kors praises the fit on Viktor’s jeans. And they also like Bert’s look, which is modern but with a wink at the past. Commercial.

Back. Heidi tells Bert he’s in, and they loved his outfit. Viktor is the winner. Yay! He goes back to the green room, where Bert hugs him. It’s nice that they’ve gotten past their shit.

Laura, Joshua, Anthony, and Anya are all in. So it’s down to Osh Kosh and Kimberly. Ombre’s was not good, and Kimberly’s was massively disappointing.

But Kimberly is in, and Oncle is out. He goes back and unnaturally hugs the others, as he hears this is what humans do when they have the emotion they call “sadness.”

We see a bit of Viktor’s photo shoot with the Sheepdogs. Thank god, they’ve found different clothes for the rest of them.

Next! Look at the past! I have lived in that time. I’m not drivin’ you no more Miss Daisy. Four hours. No thanks to any of those girls.