Project Runway: That '70s Sew

Anthony Ryan
Rockin’ one testicle
But not the runway.

(If you’re here for baseball, be patient – I will sneak some time later in the day to get that up and then link it here)

Chickens, I feel like last night was maybe the first legitimate shocker this show’s offered up in a long time.

From early early early in the competition, I thought Anthony Ryan was going to be one of the ones to go all the way. He’s been fairly consistently strong, and he’s got a compelling narrative – what with the cancer and the color blindness and the super hot fiancée to video chat with and all.

Especially since – and I only noticed this last night – but he, Joshua, and Anya are the only three designers to get face close-ups during the opening credits, which I thought might mean something…

…but anyway, now he’s gone, and he’s gone in favor of that wretched cockplant Joshua. Blearghhh. I hate this decision. But aside from hating it, I don’t have a lot to say (except for the 6 pages that will follow this introductory chit chat), because the episode itself was kind of a snooze? At least, I felt like there were little hints about drama that might be happening, but not a lot actually happened…

…that made no sense. I’m too tired – the cat was angry at me for having people over last night, so she wrought her horrible vengeance by playing noisily from about 3 a.m. forward. Let’s just do this.

Night! New York! Atlas apartments! Kimberly is fretting over how tough the challenge was for her since she’d never done menswear. In the men’s apartment, Viktor is excited to have gained a second win. Joshual feels like people were making excuses about their skill level. Viktor also tells us that if people get nasty, “the Tiger will come out.” And then he gives the prettiest little kittenish “meow!” to punctuate that statement. It’s pure comedy.

The next day on the runway, Heidi tells them that for their next challenge, they’ll be looking to the past to find their inspiration. She tells them that Tim and a guest will explain. In the workroom, the guest turns out to be Heather Archibald from Piperlime. The winning designer will have his or her garment produced for sale on Piperlime so that Lifetime can squeeze every last possible design out of this floundering franchise.

Heather tells them that one of the trends the Piperlimers are excited about this fall is the “revival of the sophisticated ‘70s.” The designers all commit internal hari-kari over this, because they still vividly remember the last challenge. Tim does too, apparently, since he stresses that their task is to create sophisticated ‘70s inspired separates, and that they shouldn’t be too literal.

After a brief Q&A session about what the Piperlimians are looking for, the designers grab Piperlime accessories off of the Piperlime accessory wall and begin sketching. Bert has serious plans. Joshua is thrown for a loop because he “never lived …in that time,” which he says as though the ‘70s were the Middle Ages or something. Joshua was apparently born in the ‘80s in a small plastic bubble, into which nary an old movie nor a Charlie’s Angels rerun nor a picture of his parents before he was born was allowed to permeate.

Kimberly, on the other hand, is being inspired by a picture of her mother, who was a secretary in the ‘70s. Anya wants to design what someone in the ‘70s would wear to holiday in Jamaica. Laura says she’s a “’70s glam kind of girl.” She says this in an interview, while wearing a J. Crew cardigan in grass green (trust me).

Tim collects them and they head off to MOOD, where they have $100 and 30 minutes to shop. Everyone looks for prints. A lot of people go for muted earth tones. Anya, since she’s wearing a dress with no pockets, keeps her money tucked into her top, and somewhere between the bolts and the register, it falls out. There’s a mad flurry while everyone looks for it. They don’t find it before time is called. Tim tells Anya that she’ll have to ask the other designers if they have extra money they can lend her. She’ll also be allowed to use muslin. Commercial.

Back. Anya begs around and manages to scrounge $11 and change, most of it from Anthony Ryan. She gets one piece of fabric, a zipper and buttons. Tim says it’s ironic that this has happened to her because she gave away so much of her extra fabric during the last challenge.

In the workroom, everyone rallies around Anya, giving her scraps and things. Well, everyone except Viktor, who shrugs and reminds us that it’s a competition. Tim reminds them to balance the “wow and pizzazz” of their design with the fact that this will have to be something Piperlime will want to produce. They have until 10 p.m. that night, and then all of the next day.

Work montage. People keep asking living relic Bert if things are ‘70s. Bert kindly indulges the stupid children instead of shaking a stick at them and telling them to get off his lawn. He tells us his advantage isn’t just having lived through the ‘70s, but having done the sort of commercially producible work that Piperlime needs.

Anthony Ryan tells us “from Woodstock to hippie movement, there’s a sort of ease to the ‘70s.” Anthony Ryan should go back to Bert’s station and ask him what the ‘70s were again, because he seems to be off by a few years. Laura is excited about the challenge because she wears ‘70s clothes all the time. Viktor doesn’t trust Joshua’s interest in his work – he thinks Joshua steals people’s ideas. “I’m not drivin’ you anymore, Miss Daisy,” he tells us in interview.

Anya starts dyeing some muslin to make her garment. Bert is confused by Anthony’s late ‘80s prints. Viktor thinks Laura’s prints clash. In the sewing room, Anya and Laura mention that the three girls have a pact to tell each other if their designs aren’t working. They wonder if they should exercise the pact on Kimberly, because they think her outfit is very “9 to 5.” Which was made in 1980, by the way girls, so it’s not that far off.

Laura asks Bert if he went to Studio 54 a lot. Bert shakes his stick at her and tells her to get off his lawn. No, not really. Bert apparently went all the time, and saw all the people there – Diane VonFurstenburg, Diana Ross, Liza, Halston… Laura asks if that’s how Bert got his Halston job. Bert says no, and then coyly adds “I got it in the balcony in the third row.” There’s a beat where Laura doesn’t quite get it. “Is that a dirty joke?” She has to ask him.

Meanwhile in another part of the workroom, Kimberly tells Viktor that she thinks Joshua is copying him. Commercial.

Back! Tim enters and tells them that surprise! They have to create a SECOND look so that Piperlime can exploit them twice as much. The second look must be a one-piece look. They have 15 minutes to sketch, then $50 and 15 minutes at MOOD. Kimberly continues work on her first look while others are sketching.

Bert comes up with the genius plan of pinning a swatch of his first look fabric to his shirt, so he knows what he’s already working with and can make sure the new fabrics work with it. Everyone copies this plan, and tell her Anya should do it with her money.

MOOD. Joshua buys the ugliest fabric ever. “It’s out of Tyler Perry,” one of my friends announces.

Back to Parsons, where we’re just in time for the Tim thru. He’s worried that Anthony Ryan’s look might make the model look too old. Anya’s paper bag waist is more like “a Hefty bag waist” in his estimation. Bert has made a “very serious moment,” that the judges could either be enraptured by or think it’s not modern enough.

He loves Kimberly’s jumpsuit idea, but worries that her separates look is too bare. He encourages Viktor to add more safari elements to his safari look. Joshua is cautioned to be careful of relying too much on the narrative – he needs to have clothes that speak for themselves. He warns Laura that Nina is already “bristly” about her taste level. Commercial.

Back. Laura is fretting that Tim questioned her taste level because she thinks that she’s “sometimes maybe too refined.” Oh, bitch, please.

Their models breeze in and out quickly, then the designers are back to work. Bert helps Joshua use a “turner,” and tells him it’s like “you’re putting a you-know-what on.” Then he acts all innocent and tries to play it off like he means a sock. I so enjoy the new charmingly filthy Bert.

Anthony tells us he asks Anya’s advice about clothes because she’s the girl he wants to dress. They hit the end of the day.

Next day! Day of show! Tim tells them they have two hours for the usual hair and makeup, and reminds them that since is the Piperlime challenge, they should use the Piperlime accessory wall Piperlimily. Then he just stands there for about forty minutes going “Piperlime. Piperlime. Piperlime. Piperlime. Piperlime.”

After the models go through hair and makeup, Kimberly realizes the waistband of her jumpsuit is too small because she made it for the model’s natural waist, not her low waist. With ten minutes left, she rushes into the sew room, and then ends up hand sewing the model into it with no closures.

Anya, in similar trouble, runs into the sewing room with one minute on the clock. Tim calls time on her. Commercial.

Back. Heidi successfully subtracts 1 from 7 to tell them that after tonight, only 6 of them will be left. The judges are Kors, Nina, and Olivia Palermo from Piperlime.

They open the show with Kimberly’s separates, which are a trashy blouse with a black skirt. Either would be ok separately, but together they’re a dud. Her one-piece (right) is awesome, though – it’s an awesome jumpsuit made out of suiting. Mark your calendars, folks: I just liked a jumpsuit (ooh, although now that I’ve seen the still photos, there are some real issues with construction).

Anthony’s is next. His first look is some sort of awful weird vest with an awful Southwestern print dress. His second look is a fairly cute maxi dress in a geometric print. Bert has made this WILD blouse/cover-up with a disco top and super booty shorts (left). His second look is a very simple toga dress with different colored front and back.

The first thing Laura sends out is an ugly print skirt with a clashing chevron stripe trop. The second is a black & white jumpsuit that I’m pretty confident my Barbies had – which, depending on when I got it and whether I bought it or got it as a hand-me-down, does make it authentically ‘70s.

Joshua has made a weird equestrian top with insane plaid pants (right). He has lined up the pattern on the pants in such a way that they make her ass look like it is swallowing the material, like a black hole sucking up all the matter in the universe. He has created an ass vortex. His second look is a boring maxi dress.

Anya’s $11 look is first. It’s an orange-ish top with zebra-y looking palazzo pants. Her second look is the a jumpsuit that looks essentially the same as the maxi-dress she always makes, with a slightly lower plunge to the top. Viktor has made a grey safari suit – it’s great, but the color is a total snore. And he’s also made a very boring little cocktail dress.

After lining them up on the runway, Heidi tells Kimberly that she’s in. The rest have the highest and lowest scores, and have to stick around for the critique. Commercial.

Back. They begin evaluating with Laura. Heidi doesn’t love the prints together, and Nina thinks the top looks like a prison uniform. Her second look is so dull that it won’t read as anything online at Piperlime.com. Piperlime Olivia agrees about the prints, and Kors thinks it doesn’t look like fashion; it just looks like clothes.

It is at this point that I realize that Piperlime Olivia looks a lot like Rose Byrne – enough that I kind of wonder if it isn’t just Rose Byrne playing a character named Piperlime Olivia as some sort of weird performance art thing.

Heidi says Viktor produced 2 great looks, though she wishes the suit was sexier. Kors says the t-shirt is killing the sex appeal. Nina thinks it’s beautifully tailored, but a little conservative.

Moving to Joshua, Kors says there’s a real schizophrenia in his outfits. He asks to see the back, and screams at the ass vortex. Heidi says it’s one of the worst outfits she’s seen in a long time. Joshua gives some sort of weird defense of his work, but my attention span – like all the other matter in the universe -- has been sucked up into his model’s ass and completely destroyed. Anyway, Piperlime Olivia is appalled by the leopard accessories with the insane plaid pants. Nina caps things off by saying his choice of fabric is “ho. Ren. Dous.” But she appreciates his willingness to take risks.

Anya tells the judges about her money situation. They marvel that the pants only cost $11. Heidi likes the print. Kors thinks the muslin top is the color of chewed Dentyne, but he loves everything else. And Nina loves the jumpsuit, and thinks it will photograph well.

Piperlime Olivia thinks there’s something incomplete about Anthony’s looks, and says his maxi dress is like a tent. Nina says it’s very hippie-dippy, and not in a good way. Heidi says both girls look boring and have no sex appeal; they’ve just come out in their schmattes. And Nina adds that they’re “two boring girls that are part of a cult.”

Which, if you think about it, what’s more ‘70s than being part of a cult?

Finally, we go to Bert. Heidi likes the styling on the first look, but wonders why the shorts were so short. She doesn’t mind that, though. Of course she doesn’t. Kors likes the shoulder-baring blouse, and that his looks showed two sides of the ‘70s. Nina thinks his tunic dress is beautiful and simple.

The designers head back to the green room, where Joshua gives his bullshit defense about being too young for the ‘70s again. Viktor points out that he was born in 1980, but that doesn’t mean he’s never seen an old movie or anything. They argue for awhile, until Bert and Kimberly point out that part of being a designer is knowing the history of fashion. Sensing that no one is on his side, Joshua flounces off.

Meanwhile, the judges deliberate. Piperlime Olivia says no girl wearing Joshua’s pants would ever get laid. That’s probably because her ass vortex has sucked up all the potential sex partners along with all the other matter in the universe. Nina says Anthony’s girls looked like Manson family members, and that Laura’s clothes looked cheap.

In the top, Heidi says Anya has good taste and pick good prints. They all want her jumpsuit. Nina says Bert’s looks will photograph phenomenally, and they all want the silk dress. They loved Viktor’s t-shirt, and Kors emphatically says EVERY PIECE HE MADE IS GREAT. Commercial.

Back. Heidi tells the designers that they really had a hard decision, and that this is the point in the competition where you must bring your best. On that note, Anya is the winner. Her jumpsuit (left) will be sold on Piperlime.com.

Then she tells Bert that his dress (right) will also be sold on Piperlime.com! He’s in too. He does an adorable little old man proud strut once he gets behind the scrim.

Viktor is also in. Laura is in, but she really missed the mark.

So it’s down to Anthony Ryan and Joshua. Anthony made a shapeless tent dress and an unattractive jumpsuit. Everything of Joshua’s was overdesigned as usual.

And Joshua is …. [everyone in my living room starts chanting “out, out, out!” except for one guy who says “he’s in. He brings too much drama for them to get rid of.”] … he’s in. I scream in terror.

Because I object to this decision so much, I will now share with you one of the things all my gay friends have said about Joshua that I hadn’t previously shared because I worried that me saying them sounded homophobic: “Joshua is so gay that Chris Colfer is sitting around with his friends going ‘damn, this guy is GAY.’”

See? You see how bad that sounds coming from me? You see why I won’t tell you all the other hilarious but even more awful ones?

Anyway, Anthony Ryan is out. Anya is going to cry because she’ll miss him. Anthony doesn’t think he got to do his best work, but his voice was heard. Tim Gunn tells them that losing people will be this hard from now to the end. He says he’s proud of Anthony Ryan.

Next time! FUCKING BIRDS. Head to head. It’s over for that dress. How’s she gonna get in it. You’ve only sewed for 4 months…and it shows.