Top Chef Just Desserts: Gettin' Giggy With It (Na Na Na Na Na Na Na)

Solving Rubik’s Cube
Won’t make dog-face-pops taste good
Au revoir, Nelson.

I’m not in much of a mood for preambles this morning, nubbins. I’m on my second night in a row of not-much sleep – going on third, since we’ve got Project Runway this evening. I have a broken coffee machine. And I didn’t know Nelson enough to care about him. He had an accent and ended up in the bottom a few times over the course of the first three weeks of competition. And that is all we know on earth, or ever need to know... about Nelson.

Also, I’m in much more of a baseball mood than a reality TV mood of late. I went to three games between Friday and Tuesday, and I’m so in that mindset that it’s hard to flip the switch back to pink! Desserts! Sugar sculptures!

Even if I had been in the right frame of mind, I wasn’t sold on either challenge this week. I’m not a gum chewer – except at particular times, like when I eat a Ben’s Half Smoke “all the way” during a baseball game, and my seatmate politely offers me a piece, and I figure that’s a hint – so the idea of all this super sweet gum kind of turned my stomach a bit (although I will say that during my gum chewing years, I was a fan of Bubbalicious' Chocolate Mint gum. So I really shouldn’t talk). And is that a prize a chef would really be excited about? The chance to inspire gum?

And then the team challenge. Another. Fucking. Team Challenge. Three weeks in, and we’ve yet to see what these bozos can do on their own. I remember thinking that last season was team challenge heavy, but this one is just beyond. And it looks like next week, they’re all going to have to collaborate on a single project? Even if their work is ultimately judged individually, there are still too many opportunities in challenges like this for people to hide in the middle of the pack.

Beyond that, the elimination was nothing special – make a crapton of pink desserts for Lisa Vanderpump and her yappy dog. [sarcastic]Yayyyyy[/sarcastic]. I didn’t watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills last season, and I won’t be watching it this season (in fact, I have recently re-cold turkeyed all the Housewives after realizing I couldn’t take a flat fucking second of the New York reunion), so except for what I read on Gawker and the few seconds of a couple episodes I saw at the gym because there was nothing else on, I don’t have any opinion of these dames, and I normally don’t mind the cross-show promotion.

I did, however, kind of bug out at the “flashback” from one show being used in a different show. Particularly as that flashback involved Taylor, the one whose husband just offed himself, ”sexily” eating cotton candy. I guess the Just Desserts episode didn’t get included when Bravo reworked the RHBH season to be more sensitive and tasteful? Look world! Her husband just hung himself, but remember that time she fellated a cone of spun sugar?

And it also meant that those of you who tuned in early were subjected to the season premiere – which (from the few seconds I saw) kind of undercut TCJD’s attempts to paint Ken as classy and sophisticated since it features him berating a woman (Taylor? Kyle? I couldn’t tell which was the target) about marital counseling being a sign of weakness. And we got the creepy ass, totally insincere suicide prevention hotline PSA between shows. Look, world! Bravo is totally sensitive! We may’ve been a factor in driving a man to his death, but here’s five seconds of a green screen telling you NOT to kill yourselves! High fives all around.

Argh. Let’s just bang this one out, huh?

Morning! Los Angeles! The Top Chef Dessertestants walk into the Just Desserts kitchen and are confronted with “a huge gum display”…and Hugh! Rebecca is excited about how cute he is. I’m excited because none of these hamsters seem terribly bright yet, so hopefully Hugh will elevate the level of discourse and snark during the episode. Hugh says all the gum indicates a “sticky situation.” Aaaaaaand my hopes are dashed. Wah-wah.

Their quickfire is to come up with a dessert to inspire a new flavor of Extra Dessert Delights gum. They have to fit their portions into an adorable little toy plates, but pack big flavor into it the way Extra does the gum. The winning chef gets immunity and their flavor “placed in a consumer vote” to become a new flavor of Extra Dessert Delights gum.

So… wait. Does the winning flavor get to be gum, or does it just get voted on for the chance to be gum? Because one of those is more of a prize than the other, methinks. There’s a world of difference between “yay, you win! Your gum will be made!” and “yay, you win! A bunch of yokels will vote on whether your gum is made!”

And they also get $25K, which is way more of a prize than either being made as gum or getting the chance to be voted on to be made as gum, if you ask me. Shoulda led with that one, Gail.

They have one hour to cook. Food flurry. Amanda is making pina colada because she and her boyfriend take a tropical vacation every year. Pretty sure I’ve had pina colada gum before – and again, not a big gum chewer here. Craig is making some kind of mascarpone pancake which… does not sound very gumlike to me.

Matthew and Chris have a “bromance dynamic” according to Sally. They’re very handsome together. Melissa is making some kind of latte gum. Megan is annoyed by Melissa’s constant complaining. Nelson is determined to get his dish plated on time this time. Time!

Before we launch into the tasting, we get a lingering shot of Carlos’ dessert. It is SUPER adorable. Anyway, the tasting starts with Rebecca, who gushes over Hugh and presents her Raspberry, Panna Cotta, and Linzer Crust. (ok, Bravo interns: is it a raspberry panna cotta or a raspberry and a panna cotta?) Gail wants more gingerbread from it. Craig introduces his Lemon Mascarpone Pancakes with Cream and Strawberries. Gail wants to feed her dessert to her Barbies. Sally has made Passion Fruit Piña Colada, which Gail finds tart and sour.

Matthew has handsomely made an Oatmeal Raisin Cookie Parfait, which the judges find a bit sweet. Even for a dessert gum? Yeesh. Amanda has made Coconut Rum Mousse, Lime-Pineapple Coulis, and Vanilla Bean. “Where does the little umbrella go?” Hugh asks. “You can win it with a pack of gum,” Amanda replies. Way to think on your feet.

Carlos’ adorable dessert is Passion Fruit Gelée, Coconut Tapioca, and Meringue. Hugh wonders if tapioca will translate as a flavor element, but Carlos says it can be like the flavor crystals that burst when you chew. Also good on the feet thinking. Maybe this bunch are brighter than I’ve given them credit for. Melissa’s is a White Coffee Cream with Honey Roasted Bananas and Brown Butter Crumbs. Gail really gets the banana and coffee. Which… barf. Not a combination I’d go hunting for, frankly. Katzie/Serena Southerlyn thinks coffee gum sounds gross. Her dessert is a Chocolate Cream Cookie, Bitter Chocolate Cream, and Orange Cheesecake. “There’s a lot goin’ on,” Hugh says. Finally, Nelson’s is a Black Forest Dessert. The judges shoot it (like a shot of booze, not like with a gun. In case you were worried).

Hugh begins his list of least favorites with Rebecca’s, which had too many flavors. He thinks Melissa had an interesting idea, but doesn’t care for coffee gum. Matthew, while handsome, made a dessert that tasted like a sweet granola bar. On the flip side, he loved Craig’s, and found it a novel idea for a gum. Nelson’s worked very well. Carlos’ use of tapioca was great.

And the winner is…CRAIG. HOLY JESUS, that dunderhead won! He’s super excited, and says that while he had thought he’d use the $25K to pay off school loans, he’s probably going to go shopping. Carlos, who had earlier talked about using it to send his five kids to college, looks pissed. In my own home, I am probably making a similar face since the 6^th of the month is when Citibank dutifully sends my student loan bill. And Craig has immunity. Jesus. Another week where we won’t be getting rid of him. Commercial.

Oh, and we get the “consumer vote” as the Bravo poll heading into break – do you want the new gum to be Bananas Roster, Root Beer Float, or “Lemon Square” which is the one inspired by Craig’s dessert. Poor Craig. Even for a non-prize, that’s not much of a prize. Also, I want Bananas Roster. But not as gum (again – not a gum chewer). I’d just kind of like a big ass portion of Bananas Foster. Now, please.

Back. Craig gets to pick team captains. He nominates himself and Amanda, and says he has no real reason for doing so. The team picking goes thusly: Craig, Sally; Amanda, Chris; Craig,Matthew; Amanda, Carlos; Craig, Orlando – and Orlando is predictably a douche about this, in case you were worried we weren’t going to have enough time with him being up his own ass despite having been in the bottom in every elimination and 2/3 of the quickfires so far -- ;Amanda, Megan; Craig, Nelson; Amanda, Katzie. Craig takes Rebecca “the one armed bandit” as his final choice. So Melissa is the last one chosen again. She’s down about this. (But really, she shouldn’t be, since [spoiler alert] this is the second time in a row that being the last one picked has landed her on the winning team)

Gail tells them that for their elimination challenge, they’ll be taking on a new client: Real Housewife of Beverly Hills, Lisa Vanderpump. Megan says Housewives is her guilty pleasure. Anyway, each team has to create a dessert table pitch for the Vanderpumps’ restaurant’s second anniversary.

And in walks Ken Vanderpump with Giggy the Pom. Oh, winkles. How long has it been since we’ve talked about my loathing of Pomeranians? Stupid yappy little dogs who I hate and have a deep-seated almost siblinglike rivalry with (grandmother issues – I feel the same way about Reva from Guiding Light and the actress who portrayed her). Giggy seems relatively chill, though, so maybe he’s ok. Even if he did totally steal the Housewife-pet spotlight from Grandma Wrinkles, which I don't think I'll ever forgive him for.

Anyway, Ken tells them that Lisa loves pink, is very meticulous, and loves fresh flowers and Giggy the Pom. If she made a dessert for their daughter, it would probably be a crumble. Tomorrow Ken will bring Lisa and the other housewives to see the presentations and taste samples of the desserts. Each team must present no more than 6 desserts.

They have 30 minutes to plan. Craig’s team is focusing on different shades of pink. Sally thinks they have a strong team. Craig is nervous about being a team captain, but wants to show that he can lead. Across the room, Amanda is focusing on particular shades of pink and not agreeing on anything. Amanda needs them all to put their egos in check. Melissa is “dead inside from this team shit.” Me too, girl. Me too.

They now have 6 hours to cook. Amanda’s team is still planning. She decides to be more firm and direct things since she’s captain and the one whose head will roll if they lose.

Craig is making a lemon cocktail and helping his teammates since his dish takes less work. Sally is making macaroons because they’re so trendy right now. Orlando is making a sugar centerpiece using a glass blowing technique to make the sugar look like a chandelier.

On Amanda’s team, Chris is making the dessertscape. He’s making a bamboo chandelier to hang over the table. Katzie is making little dog bones for Giggy to eat while he’s there. I hope they’re better than those Sandra Lee bones I made for George. On a similar note of tribute, Nelson is making “little lollipop with face like dog.” I … do not know how I’d feel if someone fed me a lollipop that looked like an animal head. Rebecca is still struggling with having only one arm and some strong personalities on their team. Orlando’s sugar sculpture does look good. Melissa is worried about time, and has had to remake her brownies three times. Time! Commercial.

Back. It’s the next day in the dessert loft. Amanda is stuffy and not feeling her best, and her taste buds are off. Nelson works a Rubiks Cube. He thinks Craig is lucky to have immunity on this one.

Back in the kitchen, they have another 2 hours to cook. Rebecca calls Matthew Chris by accident. All handsome white dudes look the same to her, I guess. Melissa has a lot of work to do. She thinks Amanda is a good leader, and worries that she herself isn’t pulling her weight. Amanda delegates the presentation of their dishes to Chris because she’s under the weather, and she thinks Chris’s handsomeness will win over the housewives. Nelson wraps his dog head lollipops in pink chocolate and cotton candy.

Craig’s team sets up their table. Craig says they’re trying to strike a balance between whimsical and modern and classy. Rebecca is worried about there being too much going on because she thinks less will be more with Lisa. Orlando sees a pile of roses in one spot, and sprinkles some rose petals all over the table to balance it out. Time.

The housewives and judges enter. Lisa Vanderpump gushes about how gorgeous it all looks.

In the kitchen, Melissa’s cremeaux is still not setting up. She goes to pipe it instead. Amanda’s team heads out to present their desserts. Gail introduces the housewives, Lisa’s business partner, Giggy, Hubert, Hugh, and Lisa’s daughter Pandora.

Chris explains their table and says they tried to keep things clean and simple. They begin introducing the dishes with Amanda’s Cava Gelée with Buttermilk Foam, Hibiscus, and Raspberry. “It’s going to be a very fattening day” Kyle Richards says. Carlos has made a Guava Pâte de Fruit, Fromage Blanc. and Phyllo Cigar. Katzie explains her Macaron with Mascarpone, Strawberry Jam and Mint, which looks super cute, and Lisa loves the little dropper of mint.

Melissa’s dessert is a White Chocolate Crémeux, Rose Gelée, Rhubarb Foam. Hugh really gets the rose, and Lisa loves it. Megan’s is Pink Velvet Cake with Chocolate Mousse, Cherries, and Cream Cheese Sorbet. Lisa begs Gail to give her a job as a judge so she can do this every day. And they have oatmeal, apple, and peanut butter biscuits for Giggy, who chows down enthusiastically. Ok, Giggy is chill enough and cute enough to almost win me over to the Pom Team. Make Giggy a judge, show. That would be awesome.

Back in the kitchen, Craig’s group is finishing up their plates. Sally is worried about her sorbet melting, but she knows she can’t leave it off. They head out to the dining room.

The team begins their presentation with Sally’s Chocolate and Raspberry Tarte Nouveau and Lychee Sorbet. Hugh likes the lychee, but the sorbet is melting. Matthew has handsomely made a White Chocolate Cherry and Pistachio Entremet. Nelson explains his Passion Fruit Cheesecake Lollipop and Pink Chocolate Namelaka. Lisa finds it difficult to maneuver, and this is where we get the “sexy” flashback of Taylor eating cotton candy. Tasteful.

Craig announces his Pink Lemonade with Rose Cava Gélee. Kyle is worried about her lipstick with the rimming sugar. Lisa thinks Orlando’s centerpiece is wonderful. Finally, Rebecca has made Chocolate Beet Cake, Beet Cream Cheese, and Orange Sauce (or CAKE OF DEATH as I call it) and Rhubarb Rose Crisp with Crème Fraiche Sherbet. Pandora loves the crisp, and it’s Lisa’s favorite thing of the day. Commercial.

Fakeback, but we’re seeing Chris’s Strawberry Streusel with Almond Cream and Rose Vanilla Ice Cream. During the fakeback. Weird. We get all sorts of transatlantic double entendre between Johnny and Lisa about “going into” Chris’s tart, and how his tart should be loose. Zany!

Really back. Gail tells Lisa she has to decide which of the two teams is the winner. She thinks Craig’s table is more balanced, but she was impressed by the balance of Chris’s table. And then they all go back and forth giving the pros and cons so that everything sounds tied, and Gail calls the chefs in. Lisa says they all did an amazing job and she loved everything, but one team embodied Ken’s instructions more. So the winning team is… Chris’s team! Yay! Amanda is disappointed that they say “Chris’s team,” but feels ok because it’s a team challenge. They’re all safe from elimination, but everyone from Craig’s team will have to go to Judges’ Table.

And we fast forward to Judges’ Table. Gail asks Craig why he thinks they’re there. He thinks they took too much of a whimsical approach. Hubert says they didn’t get Lisa’s personality, and didn’t get that Lisa was refined in addition to loving pink.

Nelson explains how his dog face lollipops evolved into his cotton candy mess. Hubert says you couldn’t eat it all at once, and Gail says it was too sweet for her. Gail calls Sally out on her sorbet puddle. They go into the whole scattered rose petals debacle, and Johnny says they should’ve left the tablecloth white and clean and not kept adding so much to it. Hugh says their tablecloth looked like “an episode of Dessert Hoarders,” and Nelson agrees. It’s nonsensical – he agrees to it as readily as he would were it an actual show, but to my knowledge, it’s not (is it? Do I need to be watching this?).

Craig admits to being a bad leader, and Hubert and Hugh say he should’ve done more. Rebecca stands up for him and points out all the things he did for other people. Sally cries because she’s shocked that they’re there, and Gail gently reminds her that sometimes they’re not choosing “the worst dish, we’re choosing the worst of the best.” Which is nonsensical too – even when it’s “the worst of the best,” it’s still the worst dish of that day, and you’re still going home for it, ultimately.

The team goes back to the pudding room. Matthew says “that fucking sucks,” and Rebecca says Hugh is no longer her favorite. Well. She sure showed him.

Back at judges’ table, Hugh says Nelson’s lollipop was horrible and no one knew what to do with it. Gail thinks Sally’s dessert was uninspiring, and Hugh says it didn’t show much skill. They think Orlando’s showpiece tarted up with all the flowers was “like creating the most beautiful thing and putting the worst outfit on it.”

In the pudding room, Craig says he’s going to vomit and cry while someone else goes home. He doesn’t want to be responsible for someone else going home, particularly Sally. Commercial.

Back. Gail tells them they didn’t meet their client’s expectations. Johnny tells Rebecca and Matthew that they created some of their favorite desserts, and are safe. Yayyyy y – he’s handsome and she’s spunky, so I’m glad about this. Craig created their least favorite dessert, and is safe, but Johnny makes a point of calling him back to tell him that he wouldn’t be if he didn’t have immunity. Gail informs Nelson that his dessert just didn’t measure up.

He says he’s very disappointed to be going home for a lollipop, and that Craig doesn’t have a clue about what he’s doing.

Orlando says he’s torn that someone he liked just left. Craig says he’s more torn about what Johnny said to him. Orlando tells him – and all of them – that he doesn’t give a damn what any of them say, “so keep your sad stories? To yourselves”

And this group of geniuses all cock their heads and stare at him, like this is the first indication they’ve gotten that he’s a fucking asshole.

Next time! No way! The original cast of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory! A landscape of pure edible imagination. We’ll be sending two of you home. Every man for themselves. I’d quite like to spit it out. You did so much for everyone else, but it’s cost you now. The chance to do this was so important to me.