Top Chef Just Desserts: Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme, Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme, Gimme that Cake

One ugly ass cake
With misshapen instruments
Vanarin goes home

I know, I know! I’m late! It’s inexcusable! Shoot me, why don’t you!

Apologies, though – I had to go to a fundraiser on Wednesday night, and I didn’t get home in time for the show. So I just watched it this morning… and I must say, I’m a bit let down. It feels like too many team challenges and too many “show” challenges too early in the season. I’m kind of ready for the judges to kick the training wheels off so we can see what these chefs can do on their own.

Vanarin, though… man, I feel bad for your whole tragic-family-backstory and all, but dude, that was one ugly ass cake. I could do better than that, and I specialize in ugly ass cakes (my philosophy, unchanged since sixth grade, is that you make a damn good cake, and then the mo’ toppings the mo’ better. Restraint is not in my cake vocabulary).

But anyway. You’ve all seen it and had five days to digest, so let’s just cut to the meat of it.

Morning! Los Angeles! At the Dessert loft, someone is making toast in a toaster oven, while Rebecca has hurt her left wrist. She knows this will make things harder, but she’s not going to give up.

They head to the kitchen for the quickfire challenge where they see a bunch of lemons and Margaret Braun. Their challenge is to make “the new lemon dessert.” They have 45 minutes to make an amazing lemon dessert. The winner gets immunity from elimination.

Dessert flurry! Matthew says everyone running about is like a “rocket taking off.” He’s fairly good looking. We’ll root for him from now on (note: I realize that last week I said I’d be rooting for him because of his DC connection. I am fully prepared to come up with new reasons to root for Matthew every week). Orlando is allergic to lemons, but isn’t going to stop “just because of a stupid allergy.” Amanda thinks everyone is making pretty standard desserts. Rebecca really wants to win so she has immunity to protect her because of her wrist. Katzie/Serena Southerlyn is making ribbons that will look like fettucini – she’s all about whimsy and fun.

Time! Gail and Margaret begin with Nelson’s Lemon Pavlova with Mango Coulis, which he was unable to finish because of timing. Orlando has made lemon “three ways” (ugh, a trio)-- Coconut Lemon Cream Cake, Lemon Curd, Lemon Fritters, and Chocolate. They giggle at Katzie’s Lemon Crepe Ribbons with Egg Yolk and Butter Emulsion and Candied Fennel Seeds, and say it’s a lot of fun. Handsome Matthew has made a Lemon Vanilla Créme with Mint Purée and Hazelnut Sable, which they say is nice.

Carlos has made Citrus Soup, which Bravo couldn’t be arsed to provide a photo or description of, but which Margaret says looks like breakfast. Amanda’s Caramel Crémeux, Café Dulce Confit Lemon Segments is next, followed by Melissa’s Lemon Beignet with Thai Basil Sugar. Craig dishes up a Lemon Sour Cream Pound Cake with French Meringue and Coconut Cream. Vanarin has made a Lemon Curd Semifreddo with Coconut Brown Butter Streusel and Blackberry Compote. Rebecca’s is a take on Lemon Meringue Pie with Blueberries in Ginger and Lemon Syrup. Gail says doing it with one hand is like “2 quickfire challenges in one.”

Margaret says she was blown away by their desserts. But her least favorites were Nelson’s, because lemon and mango are too similar, and Orlando because she’s never had lemon and chocolate work for her, personally. Orlando thinks she should be judging on a professional level, not a personal level, and that she should leave her “personal shit at the door.”

That’s just so much bullshit. I’m sorry, it’s all well and good to say that you should judge on the merits of a thing rather than your personal preferences, but it’s damn near impossible to separate the two when what you’re judging is food. If you don’t like a dish, it’s not going to end up in the top of your rankings, no matter how well executed it is. Oh, and also, douche, you were in the bottom on the last quickfire too, so I have no faith that the dish was even all that well executed to begin with.

Margaret’s final least favorite is Amanda, because the contrast between the caramel and lemon was too great. On the flip side, she liked Matthew’s cake, thought Katzie’s was bold and funny, and thought Carlos balanced the flavors and textures really well. But her favorite was… Matthew’s! Yay! He has immunity, which is great because he’s handsome. He’s feeling really good about the start he’s gotten off to. Commercial.

Back. For the elimination challenge, they’ll be in four teams. Orlando, Carlos, and Amanda have been randomly assigned to lead 3 teams, while Matthew gets the fourth, and to pick first since he won the quickfire. He picks Chris because he’s “multifaceted, and we get along great.” Carlos takes Sally. Orlando grabs Nelson. Amanda takes Katzie. Matthew picks Megan. Carlos takes Rebecca and her gimp arm. Orlando picks Craig, which is a ridiculous choice given his performance last week… or great strategy by making him the easy goat if you land on the bottom. He also doesn’t want Melissa because she “drove the bus over one of her teammates.” Amanda picks Vanarin. Melissa is embarrassed to be last man standing, but she’s on Matthew’s team.

Their challenge is based on the Walt Disney Concert Hall. They have to make a cake to celebrate the concert hall for a party for the orchestra the next night, and each chef is responsible for one tier of the cake.

They have 8.5 hours to cook. Flour flurry. Matthew’s Red team is planning something fairly simple. The blue team (Amanda’s) is trying to incorporate musicality. Orlando is psyched because cakes are a specialty of his. He’s on the black team. Carlos takes a leadership role on his green team. The ladies don’t seem too psyched about that – they have a hard time understanding him since he uses different words for things.

Vanarin is molding instruments out of modeling chocolate. He talks about being a first generation American, and how winning this competition would prove that his family belongs in America. Oh, he’s doomed. Chris is worried about the fact that Melissa is putting cardamom in her layer of the cake. Nelson talks about how he went to college to become an architect, and then in his last year decided to become a chef.

Johnny Iuzzini through! He wonders about the wisdom of the green team having two devil’s food layers. He thinks the instruments on the blue team’s cake are too small, and wonders how “different” the red team’s design really is. He doesn’t understand Craig’s description of his cake as having a “sweet pow-pow” flavor.

Nelson is worried about the thickness of Craig’s cake, and worries that he’ll have to do thicker towers on his tomorrow to support it. Commercial.

Ooh, nice Top Chef Texas ad with the electronic bull. Except that I thought it was going to be a Most Elligible Dallas (aka “Because Miami Social Club was such a raging success”) ad. Maybe a bit too much Texas at once, Bravo?

Back. Next day. Dessert loft. Craig is thankful that Sally is there with him. He talks about being a fat kid with flamboyant tendencies and how kids picked on him. He wants those kids to see him kicking ass on Top Chef Just Desserts and feel bad about being assholes to him.

Oh Craig. So sweet. Not bright at all, I don’t think, but so very, very sweet.

They leave the Loft and hit the kitchen with four more hours to cook, pack, and be in their cars. Nelson cuts into his cake to reinforce the columns. Craig paints his cake with a tiny brush at a pace that infuriates Orlando. Ten minutes. They work on getting their cakes safely into the vans to transport.

Then they have an hour and a half to get the cakes out of the vans, up a million stairs, and onto the tables for service. Oh, and it’s also hot. Megan tells us that “heat is the enemy of cake.” So things start melting, and one of Katzie’s panels pops out. She thinks Vanarin is on a “runaway train” of decorating. Their cake is ass ugly.

Carlos inadvertently spray paints the cake pink (I mean, the painting is intentional, but the pink isn’t). The modeling chocolate on the black team’s starts to get soft. Another instrument falls off the blue team’s. Amanda says she should’ve “pushed the edit button” on her team’s cake.

Cake time! The musicians arrive and start checking out the cakes. The judges – Johnny, Gail, Hubert Keller and Margaret Braun come up shortly after.

The red team explains how they wanted to incorporate the building’s architechture into their cake. They serve out Matthew’s Lemon Pound Cake, Almond Dacquoise, Créme Fraïche Mousse and Strawberry Jam, Megan’s Yellow Butter Cake with Honey Caramel Cream, Preserves and Mocha Praline Feuilletine, Chris’s Chocolate Sponge Cake with Praline Jam and Vanilla Crémeux, and Melissa’s Cardamom Sponge Cake with Ginger Cream and Strawberry Jam.

Next they go to the blue team’s “whimsical”/ugly ass cake. Actually, it’s like an ugly ass cake on top of a cute cake – the bottom two layers are ok, but the layer with the instruments is shit. The layers are Katzie’s Buttermilk Cake with Black Currant Jam and Pistachio Buttercream, Amanda’s Devil's Food Cake with Raspberry Gelée, Chocolate Buttercream and Praline Feuilletine, and Vanarin’s Smoked Salted Caramel Cake with Pistachio Buttercream.

Up next is the black team, which is the most architecturally confusing so far – a triangle leading up to a cube leading up to a round. The judges notice that the G clef has fallen off. But they eat Orlando’s Vanilla Sponge Soaked in Chambord, Blackberry and Port Buttercream, Nelson’s Vanilla and Lemon Zest Cake with Pistachio Buttercream and White Chocolate Pearls, and Craig’s Grandma’s Chocolate Cake with Caramel and Marshmallow Buttercream. Orlando says if they’re on the bottom, he hopes Craig goes home.

Finally, we see the green Team’s very harmoniously constructed cake. Johnny finds the color offputting, though. They start eating with Carlos’ Vanilla Sponge Cake, Lemon Cream and Strawberries, then Sally’s Devil’s Food Cake with Chocolate Buttercream, Salted Caramel and Raspberries, and finish with Rebecca’s Devil’s Food Cake with Whipped Caramelia Ganache and Almond Dacquoise.

Johnny thinks that overall, the chefs really embraced the challenge. They head back to judges’ table. Katzie doesn’t want to be in the bottom again, and feels a little nauseous. Commercial.

Fakeback. We learn that Craig’s chocolate cake recipe came from Sally, who was his teacher. Awkward.

Back for real. Gail comes back to the pudding room, and collects the green and red teams for Judges’ Table. They are, of course, the top two teams. Rebecca is emotional because she was nervous because of her bum hand. Margaret thought their team’s cake was very cohesive.

On the red team (who are adorably standing in order of height), Hubert loves the structure and airbrushing on their cake. Margaret loves Melissa’s cardamom cake. The red team had the favorite cake in this week’s competition. They’re asked to send back the other two teams.

The black and the blue teams file in dejectedly. Gail tells them that they made their least favorite cakes. Johnny asks Craig why they think they’re in the bottom. Craig thinks they stepped too far out of the box, and that it came across disconnected. Johnny says a lot of the details on the cake were sloppy. They think Nelson’s layer was the best.

Vanarin thinks they tried to cram too much detail into it, and admits the instruments could’ve been better. Gail says the instruments and the seams looked amateurish. Johnny says Katzie’s cake had a strange texture. Hubert says Amanda’s cake was his favorite. They send the teams away so they can discuss.

Gail says the two cakes were pretty disappointing. Margaret says the blue team’s was cohesive in terms of story, but visually a wreck, while the black team’s was not at all cohesive, but some things were individually impressive. Johnny points out that Orlando’s cake was the only one that actually broke. Margaret asks if he’d prefer a broken cake or a really ugly cake? After some discussion of the individual flavors, they reach a decision. Commercial.

Back. Johnny tells the blue team that they failed on both the design and structure of the cake, and the composition of the flavors. The black team lacked cohesion and synergy. Gail tells Vanarin that his dessert just didn’t measure up. He’s told to pack his tools and go.

He feels sad to be going home, and thinks he hasn’t shown his full potential as a pastry chef. He’s leaving feeling inspired , which he hasn’t felt in a long time.

Next time! Twenty five thousand dollars. Somebody’s boilin’ over. It’s not good. It’s not good. A real housewife of Beverly Hills, Lisa Vanderpump. This is going to be a really fattening day. Hugh!