Top Chef Just Desserts: Land of Dual Elimination

(Just for today)

Oompa, Loompa, Doompity-Deg
Finally we have got rid of Craig!
Oompa, Loompa, Doompity-Do
And then Melissa had to go to.

What do you do when your chef is a dope?
Cannot make de-sserts, and runs out of hope?
Dragging down everyone else on the show?
Then they must pack their tools! And! Go!
(it’s really for the best you know)

Oompa, Loompa, Doompity-Derts
Only one can win Top Chef, Desserts
S/he will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompity Do!
(Doompity Do!)

I am going to take a short break from being a total whiner about all the team challenges and how there is a GODDAMNED ‘NOTHER one coming up next week and just say:

That challenge? Was AWESOME. Best ever. Best best best best best ever. I can’t even begin to articulate all the things I loved about it, but just as a brief list: seeing the Wonka kids; seeing how geeked out everyone – the chefs, the judges, the kids – got over the idea of the challenge; seeing them really get into something that creative; seeing the looks on everyone’s faces as they walked in; seeing the kids (the actual kids AND the Wonka kids) tearing into that insane, gorgeous landscape of desserts…

I mean, who hasn’t wanted to do that? Who wouldn’t have the exact same reaction of sheer, juvenile delight if they were offered the opportunity to do so?

And also, Craig is finally gone. Finally. That’s yet another thing that’s awesome about this week’s episode – that we won’t have to see his poor, dumb, rabbity face struggling to comprehend what’s going on as he failed week after fucking week. Sorry, Craig. I’m sure you’re a great guy, but watching you in this competition was like watching a man drown, slowly.

I’m more torn about Melissa as the other ouster, though. Sure, her green donuts were apparently crap, but everyone liked her Whoopie Pie Daisies, so it seemed like that should be worth something. But I guess I wouldn’t have wanted Megan to go since she got fucked over by helping others too much, and it’s good that we’ll get a chance to see what Sally can do without the anchor of Craig around her neck, so… best choice of the three, I guess, but it sucks that she had to go home right after we’d seen her being so amped and cheerful about this challenge.

So let’s just get to the awesomeness of the episode, right?

Morning! Los Angeles! Top Chef Just Desserts Loft. Everyone is doing basic hygiene stuff when we see a bunch of tickets on the table. Rebecca has a fetching new pink cast. There’s also a note from Gail inviting them to a “special movie presentation.” Amanda says she’s looking forward to the day off since she’s still sick. Oh, Amanda. To paraphrase the wise words of NeckTattoo: It’s never a day off. It’s always a trap.

Matthew is brighter (and also quite handsome) – he’s expecting a quickfire at some point, so when they get to the movie theatre, he buys his snacks accordingly and doesn’t eat them in case he needs them. I love that he has his attractive head that much in the game.

The chefs head into the theatre, where there are a bunch of people, and watch a screening of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Katzie/Serena Southerlyn says she loves this movie. We see some of the audience giggling to themselves. A woman next to Orlando is amazed that he knows the words to the movie. I am too – yes, I know that pretty much everyone who went through childhood since the movie came out knows the words to it, but it’s tough to believe that a turdpuppet like Orlando was ever a child.

But… after the scene where they enter the Chocolate Room and start going to town on all the grass and mushrooms and things, the movie fades to the Top Chef logo, and Gail emerges to a soundtrack of groans rather than whimsical music. After telling them that they’ll get the chance to make the dream of entering Willy Wonka’s world a reality, she brings four very special guests up on stage with her. It’s the four kids! Everyone is there but Augustus Gloop. What happened to Augustus? Where is Augustus? (Hm… he seems to be off being a tax accountant in Munich. That’s good – I was worried he’d gotten sucked up a tube to that big Fudge Room in the sky)

Violet, in a raspy smoker’s voice (you know, they have a gum to help with that…), talks about how wonderful it was to enter the factory for the first time. Veruca says everything was actually edible – at least in part. Only the ear of the giant gummy bear she’s shown nomming was real. And Charlie Bucket (yes, I know they have real names, but come on) says that the lickable wallpaper was always disappointing, because it was just… wallpaper.

Gail says this is the 40^th anniversary of the film, and as part of the celebration, the chefs will take them on “a delicious stroll through Wonka’s world.” They’ll transform the Top Chef dining room into a world of pure, edible imagination. They’ll work as one team. They’re dismissed to the Top Chef kitchen to plan… but not until they cajole Veruca into saying “I want it and I want it now” once.

In the kitchen, they’ve got one hour to plan. Matthew suggests a gumball tree. Chris suggests splitting into a creative team and a food based team to make sure they can execute it – one will focus on the props and one will focus on the dessert. Katzie/Serena Southerlyn is super excited. Commercial.

Back. At the loft, they continue planning. Megan thinks it’s important that there be “some level of cohesive thought.” Rebecca wants to make a cupcake from her store that is called the Veruca Salt. Chris says an ordinary cupcake won’t be that impressive, and asks her if she can make it look like a wall. Ahhhh…. Not the first place my head would’ve gone when trying to reshape a cupcake, but alright. Chris nixes a bunch of other ideas, frustrating Katzie/Serena Southerlyn and costing himself several handsome points in my book.

They hit the kitchen the next day and view the partially converted dining room. The creative team is Megan, Chris, Matthew, and Orlando. The production team is Rebecca, Amanda, Sally, Katzie, Craig, and Melissa (and Carlos, presumably? I don’t hear his name mentioned, but … there he is). They start with their own desserts and then help with the common projects. Craig is making giant pâte de fruit gummy bears that will be fully edible rather than just having an edible ear. Chris is working on the chocolate waterfall out of foam core and Styrofoam. It will be functional to serve one of his desserts.

Sally talks about how the movie made an impression on her because she, like Charlie, is totally poor and lives with her family. Her “golden ticket” is the opportunity to be there. Katzie dyes her hands Oompa Loompa orange by grating a shitload of carrots. Orlando is melting a shitton of chocolate and making sure it’s properly tempered. Rebecca feels like too many people are working on Chris’s chocolate fountain – three of them are working on that.

Carlos is making the edible wallpaper, because the Wonka kids remembered wishing the wallpaper was really edible. Chris’s gummy bears aren’t setting. Sally tells him to recook them with agar. She gets stressed because Craig is taking up all her time.

Johnny-thru! He asks how much chocolate they’ve gone through, and Orlando tells him about 120 kilos so far. Johnny’s excited to see it come to life. He then gives an adorable talking head about being envious of the chefs’ opportunity. Seriously, the extent to which everyone gets entirely geeked out about this project is the best thing I’ve seen on reality tv in a long, long time. He loves the idea of Rebecca’s “Veruca Salt” cakes baked into golden eggs. Melissa is also excited – she’s making Whoopie Pie flowers and describes everything with more animation than we’ve seen to her in ever. Johnny worries that she’s not thinking about what the PVC pipes will look like once people eat the donuts and things off of it.

Johnny worries that Megan is working on the common projects too much, and that her proposed dish (involving bourbon and peanuts) sounds too grown-up for the challenge. Then he says “I hate to be a Slugworth, but…” (awwww) and announces that after this elimination, two of them will be gone.

Chris says “the important thing is that no one on the creative side goes home.” He’s worried about finishing the chocolate waterfall. There’s a miscommunication where Amanda ends up making her own chocolate cups even though Chris has said he would. Serena Southerlyn realizes it’s "every man for herself". Yes, that’s what she says. I delight in the contradiction. We have a finishing up flurry, and then hit the commercial.

Back to the kitchen. Next day. Serena Southerlyn is dashing around making an “edible carrot patch” and a beehive, and realizing she can’t count on the creative team, she takes on constructing the props herself. Orlando calls her a “messy trainwreck.” Craig hopes that he won’t be going home. He has one successful pâte de fruit gummy bear, and “four other gummy bears that Sally helped me make.” Matthew is filling profiteroles.

Thirty six minutes. Melissa realizes that the ground she was supposed to put the poles/stalks into didn’t have holes drilled in it for the poles, and feels like Chris and his team aren’t living up to their end of the bargain. Chris’s chocolate fountain isn’t working the way he wanted, and Matthew thinks they bit off more than they can chew. Megan rushes to get decorative elements out there, and is struggling to get her dish out because she gave all of her time to Chris’s waterfall. Rebecca doesn’t think “3 people spending six hours” on the waterfall was a good use of time. TIME

The judges and Wonka kids enter to the strains of “Pure Imagination.” Johnny looks like a big freaking kid, he’s so delighted. Megan thinks “Willy Wonka would come and have a very good time.” “Where were you all forty years ago?” Charlie Bucket asks. Oh, Charlie Bucket. The joy with which you say that makes me believe you've totally forgotten that forty years ago, only Carlos was probably even a gleam in his parents’ eyes. I hope it's not just clever editing that makes me think this, but the way Charlie Bucket reacts to everything in this challenge makes me think that on some level, he still believes. And that's truly, truly priceless.

The guest judge this week is “Master Wedding Cake designer” Ron Ben-Israel. Then they bring a bunch of actual children in to join them and the children see the fantasy candy world and OH MY GOD, THERE’S SOME KIND OF LIQUID COMING OUT OF MY EYES. Megan hopes that her dish having booze in it won’t bite her in the butt.

They begin with Chris’s Chocolate Waterfall, which is served in edible chocolate cups. It’s hard to get into, but delicious. Chris thinks he’ll be in the top. They move to a tree with Amanda’s Raspberry Fizzy Chocolates, (Veruca says they do fizz; I wish they’d made the connection to Fizzy Lifting Drinks more explicit) and then enjoy her Chocolate Tulip Cups with Blueberry Sauce.

The kids are going to town on everything. Craig’s Giant Gummy Bears are kind of a flop, so we may get shot of him finally. The marshmallow in Rebecca’s Vanilla and Coffee Bean Moon Pies is tough, but they like the presentation on her "Golden Egg" Cakes. Veruca points out, however, that the eggs aren’t Golden. She wants Golden eggs. She wants them naaaaow.

Matthew has made trees full of Strawberry, Lemon, and Vanilla Profiteroles, which Veruca thinks are lovely. Orlando has made Raspberry Chocolate Crunches. They all find them a bit huge, but quite tasty. Sally’s dish is Pistachio Financier, Orange Dirt and Milk Chocolate Mousse. It’s a bit messy. Sally worries that it’s not whimsical enough.

Johnny thinks Melissa should’ve put more thought into her Green Donuts, which Veruca would like to spit out. Her Whoopie Pie Daisies are deemed “lovely,” though. Katzie’s Carrot Patch where you dig up chunks of chocolate dipped carrot cake out of chocolate soil is a hit, and Ben-Israel loves the idea. Charlie Bucket gives her credit for coming up with a new idea instead of just trying to replicate something from the movie, saying “Willy Wonka would’ve approved.” They’re similarly delighted with her Beehive (yes, I’m beyond irritated that the Bravo interns have not told us what these desserts are made of, but aren’t impressed with the bees.

Hubert says Carlos’s Peanut Butter and Jelly Macarons are the best he’s ever had. They try to talk Violet into licking the Fruit Wallpaper, but Ben-Israel does it instead. Ben-Israel is like the Augustus Gloop of this experience, greedily eating food out of the mouths of the others. Megan’s Bourbon Caramel Candy Bar Pops are sweet, but good. Mike Teevee can’t taste the lavender in her Creamsicle Curd with Lavender Shortbread. Backstage, Carlos reassures Megan who is starting (starting!) to worry that she should’ve focused more on her own dishes.

Wrapping up, the judges and Wonka kids are thrilled with the work the chefs did. In the back, Orlando says it’s “about time we start cleaning house” with the double elimination. Douche. Commercial.

Fakeback. Craig thinks Katzie would make a good Willie Wonka. Orlando thinks Rebecca looks like an Oompa Loompa. Rebecca takes this in stride, saying that they’re the right complexion to be from New Jersey, and are like “the original Snooki.”

Back. In the pudding room, Katzie is fretting. Orlando wishes she’d shut the fuck up. Gail calls back everyone but Chris, Orlando, Amanda and Rebecca. So Katzie, Matthew, Craig, Sally, Melissa, Megan, and Carlos are the favorites and least favorites.

We begin deliberation. Matthew is one of the favorites. Gail liked the way he made three different flavors of profiterole. Katzie was also a favorite. Ben-Israel was excited about interacting with her pieces. And Carlos is a favorite: Gail thought his Macarons were her favorite, and Ben-Israel was amazed by the wallpaper because “the Snozzberries tasted like Snozzberries.” Ok, I love this man. They should have him on more often.

Craig talks about himself in the third person, saying “Craig had a ROUGH day,” and agrees that his bears were at best “edible-ish.” Melissa puts some of the onus for her failure on the creative team for not dressing her donut cactus. Johnny says they were horrible. She admits she didn’t taste them. Hubert compliments her flowers.

Johnny thought Sally’s dirt didn’t have a whole lot of flavor, and Ben-Israel had nothing to eat it with. Johnny is disappointed that they didn’t see more from her. She explains the things she did for the team, and Johnny says doing things for others cost her.

Megan says she kept simplifying the items she was doing to work with the team. Gail points out that the bourbon wasn’t kid friendly, and Johnny couldn’t taste the lavender in the shortbread. Carlos and Katzie point out all the things that Megan did for others. Megan tearfully tells the judges that “the vision and the chance to do this was so important for me that I made some bad decisions.” Gail assures her that they all achieved the vision. They send them off so they can deliberate.

Chris wants to know why the others aren’t being called back, and is shocked to learn that the top and bottom have already been called back. He seriously can’t comprehend that he’s not in the top. It’s kind of amusing – it seems like he’s starting to get the overconfident dick edit. Not the outright villain – that’s Orlando – but a sort of junior level dick.

The judges immediately “think we have a favorite,” but we don’t see them debate who. They had a problem with Sally’s presentation, and Johnny thinks her flavors didn’t make sense together. Ben-Israel thinks Craig made fun of his own failure to avoid responsibility, and Johnny thinks he’s outclassed. Hubert thinks Megan’s problems are balancing flavors and having confidence in them. Melissa’s donuts were “green belly bombs,” but she had other, redeeming desserts. Johnny says that’s all the more reason she should’ve edited herself. Gail thinks “we know what we have to do.”

Back in the room, Sally thinks she’s going. Commercial.

Back. Gail asks Ron Ben-Israel to announce the winner. It’s Katzie/Serena Southerlyn! Yayy!!! I like her -- much better than I ever liked the actual Serena Southerlyn. She, Matthew, and Carlos are sent back. She’s happy she followed her gut and was true to her own vision. Chris and Orlando look pissed when they hear she won.

Gail tells Craig to pack his tools and go. Well, we all knew that one was coming. His teammates are as non-shocked as we are.

Melissa is also told to pack her tools and go. She agrees that her donut monster was a shame to put out there. She and Craig leave hand in hand. She’s inspired and hopes she made people proud. He’s sad to be leaving, but thinks making it through 4 means he can hang with the big boys. Which… no. It just means there were two people even less able to hang with the big boys than you are, and one who got eliminated because you had immunity. Get your facts straight, Craig.

Next: Rebecca has basically given up. One team is using both ice cream machines for two hours. You put six hours worth of work into that mousse?