One arm’d Rebecca
Victim of the falafel
Ad Rock signed her cast.
Good morning, sabre toothed tigers. How are you?
I’m a bit more fatigued than usual (I know, it probably seems like I say that every week) as I had to stay up last night until the end of the Atlanta/Philadelphia game to find out whether the St. Louis Cardinals would be getting the National League Wild Card slot. And I had to kind of root for the Phillies while I was doing that, which as anyone who’s been around these parts for more than a flat second will know, is anathema to me.
But it was necessary. Uncomfortable and unpleasant, but necessary. Like taking a really hard poop, if I may be indelicate for a moment.
And then I was so janked up that I had to take a Benadryl to get to sleep, so now I’m still in that weird Admiral Stockdale-esque Benadryl hangover place. Who am I? Why am I here? Call Lloyd Bentsen, get this motha fuckin’ crunk.
Anyway, those of you who are into that sort of thing can look for the first Fearless and Fairly Illogical Postseason Post tomorrow around midday. For the rest of you, let’s talk Just Desserts.
As someone who’s made her share of bacon ice creams, I like the idea of the challenge. Sweet/savory combos have been a big thing for awhile now, so it’s nice to see that idea getting some play in one of these challenges. And I will flatly admit: I have NO idea what I would’ve done if faced with some of those ingredients. I’ve never even eaten Pork ‘n’ Beans as Pork ‘n’ Beans, much less tried to think of a way to incorporate them into a dessert.
Oh, and also, Ad Rock was there. Ad Rock!!!! As someone who spent a fair chunk of 6th grade memorizing the lyrics to Paul Revere so that I’d seem less desperately uncool than I really was, I was totally psyched to see him. And he had a legitimate POV and some solid critiques, unlike a lot of the celebrity guest judges that trickle through these shows.
I’m bummed that Rebecca had to go, because she seemed like a really nice person and a straight up trooper. I mean, she broke her hand during the first challenge, right? And she’s hung in for the next five challenges with one hand, and had some pretty good showings for the last few weeks. So props to her. And props to handsome Matthew for winning! I can’t believe he made cheesecake out of mashed potatoes… and looked so good doing it. He’s still totally my favorite, even though poor little mouthy Serena Southerlyn demands more of my attention lately because of all the haterade Sally is throwing her way.
Let’s do this, shall we?
Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaow, here’s a little story I got to tell
About 9 pastry chefs we know so well
They’re in a contest on Bra-vo t-v
For Hubert and Gail and Johnny Iuzzini…
(Too fatigued to do more than that. Maybe later).
Morning! Los Angeles! In the Dessert Loft, the chefs reminisce about the water park challenge earlier that day. Sally says some dumb shit about not giving Katzie a chainsaw. Katzie walks off in a huff after Sally makes fun of her, but points out that you “can’t knock someone for being successful.”
The next day in the Dessert Kitchen, they walk in to see Gail and Jordan Kahn a “pastry wunderkind,” according to Gail, known for using unusual ingredients in his dessert. For their quickfire, they have to pick root vegetables from a garden and use the vegetable in their desserts. Carlos gets celery root. Chris draws jicama. Orlando plucks a radish. Matthew handsomely pulls a parsnip, while one armed Rebecca gets a potato. Katzie gets a turnip, and Megan gets a burdock root. Sally gets turmeric. The winning chef gets immunity and $5000.
This seems like a really unfair selection to work with. Turmeric, at least in its spice form, turns up in everything. I’ve seen turmeric on dessert menus millions of times. I can’t recall ever seeing a dessert radish.
Food flurry. They have an hour to cook. Megan doesn’t even know what her root is. On the theory that it’s Asian, she starts grating it in the hopes that the aroma will inspire her. Chris is glad to have jicama. Carlos is working with peanut butter, again, some more, on a celery root dish that will be based on celery and peanut butter. First, Ew. Second, enough with the peanut butter already, man. At least he didn’t throw Cap’n Crunch in there again this time. I swear, his diet must be comprised entirely of peanut butter and Cap’n Crunch.
Matthew thinks he and Sally will have a leg up on the competition because they both started as line cooks and have the most savory experience. Carlos’ celery root chips aren’t drying out. Megan has caramelized her burdock root. Times up, roots down!
The chefs begin the tasting. Please forgive the occasionally sketchy descriptions both here and in the elimination challenge – Bravo has for some reason seen fit to provide descriptions and pictures of only 13 dishes, omitting both Sally’s win in the quickfire and Rebecca’s ousterworthy (spoiler alert) elimination dish from that total. Who knows why. And I didn’t feel like firing up the TV and speeding through bits of the episode first thing in the morning to get the remaining 6.
Anyway, Gail and Jordan start tasting with Rebecca’s Frosty and French Fry inspired French Fries, Chocolate Sauce, and Malted Milk Ice Cream. Megan explains her Burdock Fritter. Jordan says it’s cool, and he’s a big fan of burdock root. Katzie has turned her turnip into Soy Milk Panna Cotta, Mascarpone Cream Caramel, and Turnip Chips. Sally takes this opportunity to bitch some more about how she doesn’t understand Katzie winning two challenges because her dessert is a mess. It’s official: Craig was the only thing that made Sally human. Now she’s just a bitch lizard.
Chris has to be disqualified because he didn’t put his jicama chips on his Jicama Watermelon Jam with Panna Cotta and Jicama Salad (yes, for some reason they provided a picture of a disqualified dish, but not the one that actually won the quickfire) before plating. Carlos explains his Celery Root in 3 Textures with Peanut Butter Pudding. It looks like a disgusting mess. Matthew has made Caramelized Parsnip Cake with Banana Puree and Caramelized Hazelnuts. Sally’s dish is Some Sort Of Mango Pudding With Turmeric. We finish with Orlando’s Peach and Radish Crumble with Kataifi Crunch and Vanilla Bean Sherbet.
Jordan informs us that least favorites were Rebecca’s overfried potatoes and Carlos’ idea that didn’t translate. His favorites were Sally’s, with its vivid colors, and Matthew’s which was the most beautiful. And the winner is… Sally. Boo. She’s smug and elated. I’d like to punch her. Commercial.
Back. Gail says that for their next challenge, they’ll be adding a little “street” to their menu. She introduces Ad Rock from the Beastie Boys to help with the challenge. Rebecca has had a crush on him since she was 15.
Ad Rock talks about sampling in music – taking what you can to make it their own. So the chefs will be sampling… foods into desserts. A lacky rolls out a “Beastie Boys pantry” full of food referenced in Beastie Boys songs.
They each have to choose 2 items. Megan takes Brass Monkey and whiskey. Matthew picks whiskey and cornbread. Carlos takes popcorn and bacon. Chris goes for broke, grabbing pizza and pork ‘n’ beans. Sally goes with cheddar cheese and prosciutto. Katzie takes hot butter and fries. Orlando grabs sugar coffee with cream and white rum. Rebecca takes a 40 and some ham. NICE. The ham is a bold choice.
Oh, and there’s one more thing. They’re picking one more item to stick one of the other chefs with. Listen all of y’all, it’s sabotage. Sally gets to pick first, and she sticks Carlos with a cucumber. Carlos drops a whole chicken on Sally. That’s awesome.
Matthew gives Orlando peas. Orlando gives Katzie gorgonzola and provolone, smugly saying that they’re things she can’t possibly use Oh, come on, man. Who hasn’t had a dessert with gorgonzola in it? That’s not sabotage. A fucking chicken is sabotage. Get with the villainy, man. Katzie gives Megan oranges and onions. Megan gives Chris canned ravioli. Chris sticks Matt with mashed potatoes and gravy. And Sally sticks Rebecca with falafel.
Gail tells them to get their bodies movin’, because time starts now. They’ve got 4 hours. Matthew is making potato cheese cake with a cornbread crust. He remembers burning out Beastie Boys tapes when he was younger and adds “shit, if this gon’ be that kind of party, I’m’a stick my dick in the mashed potatoes.”
Love. Him.
Chris is realizing that maybe he didn’t make the best choices. What, you’re just now thinking that maybe pizza and pork ‘n’ beans aren’t the next great dessert? Go fig. Orlando is happy that they finally get to cook “by ourselves for ourselves.” I'm totally with him on that. He oversamples the rum a bit, and it slows him down a bit. Two hours.
Sally is butchering a chicken. She’s determined not to play it safe just because she has immunity, like she did last week. Katzie is making sweet pommes frites with different sauces. We hear about Katzie coming out to L.A. when she was really young to work for Sherry Yard, who we met during last year’s Dessert finale. Sally bitch lizards that Katzie’s dish doesn’t look like a dessert.
Rebecca is using falafel flavors in a panna cotta. Orlando is using pre-made cookies, which seems like a complete cheat. Carlos is trying to incorporate street art into his dish by making a sort of popcorn brittle.
Half an hour left. Chris says this is the first time he’s seen Chris worry about a dish. Sixteen minutes. Food flurry. Time! Commercial.
Back. Next morning. Dessert loft. Everyone is looking really tired. Katzie is feeling bad about dumping the onions on Megan since Megan’s her buddy. Chris is missing his wife and his one month old baby with a congenital heart defect. Oh, Jesus, man. That’s not just normal reality show I miss my family type sympathy fodder, that’s sympathy fodder times a million (not that I doubt his sincerity – it’s just that a one month old baby AND a heart defect turns it up to 11). Matthew calls his wife and daughter. He says his daughter was “an accident, but the greatest accident ever.”
They hustle off to Angel City Brewing to set up their dishes among the street art. Fifteen minutes. Matthew puts his gravy in a cream whipper to make gravy foam.
Time! The guests start filing in, tagging the tables as they get food. Marcel comes in and hugs Sally, because they’re close personal friends. Wow, liking her less by the second.
The judges enter and begin with Carlos’ Popcorn Panna Cotta, Spicy Cucumber Air, Bacon Caramel, and Popcorn Glass. Danielle can really taste the cucumber, and Ad Rock loves it. Next they have Orlando’s Coffee, Strawberry, and Rum Parfait with Green Peas. He refuses to tell Johnny whether he made or bought the cookies, but gets called out for it. Danielle says the contrast of strawberries and peas is “artful.”
Megan explains her Chivas Whiskey Pudding Cake, Brass Monkey Sorbet, and Caramelized Onions. Johnny says the cake falls apart on impact, and Megan admits they dried out a bit. She says she’s feelin’ kind of funky because she could go home for brass monkey.
Sally explains her Prosciutto Cake, Chicken Toffee Sauce, and Cheddar Ice Cream. Ad Rock thinks the chicken skin is delicious. Next they hit Katzie with her Sweet Pommes Frites with Sweet and Savory Sauces. Gail wishes there was more intenseness with the cheese. They head over to Rebecca, who gets Ad Rock to sign her cast. She explains her Falafel Panna Cotta with Ham Brittle. Ham brittle? Jesus. Johnny says there’s a lot of garlic in the panna cotta. Gail wants to taste the beer more.
Up next is Chris’s Pork and Bean Brownie, Pine Nut Cream, and Naked Ravioli. “Totally weird,” Gail says. Johnny gets the texture of the Pork ‘n’ Beans but not a lot of the flavor. Marcel snidely tells Chris not to be offended if he doesn’t finish it. Finally, we see Matthew’s Cornbread and Mashed Potato Cheesecake, Whiskey Caramel, and Gravy Foam. Their mind is a little blown by the aerated gravy. Johnny says he can taste all of the ingredients, but doesn’t say if he likes it. Matthew feels like he’s going home. He wants to throw up on himself. Commercial.
Back. Fakeback. Carlos and Rebecca explain the banana game, where you put a banana on a person without them knowing it. Apparently you get bonus points if you banana Johnny, but no one’s ever done it yet. Marcel tries and fails. Good.
Back. The chefs are in the pudding room, reflecting on how hard the challenge is. Matthew says the waiting is intense. Gail enters and calls back Katzie, Megan, and Rebecca. Oh, that’s probably the bottom? But the other chefs think it’s the top.
The chefs enter Judges’ table, where Gail tells them that they were the least favorites. Rebecca says the falafel threw her for a loop. Johnny was blasted with garlic from the first bite, and Ad Rock says the ice cream didn’t taste like beer. She cries about how much it sucks to be judged for falafel, ham, and beer.
Megan explained that her cake sat out too long and dried. Ad Rock suggested she should’ve put the onions in the cake for texture. Katzie says she took a risk again, but this time it didn’t pay off. Johnny says she should’ve made fewer condiments, because there were too many combinations and it was too hard to get all the flavors. Gail tells them to call back some of their fellow chefs.
Megan calls in Matthew, Chris, and Sally after telling the other chefs that the three ladies were the least favorite.
Those three chefs enter the judges room, somewhat confused. Gail tells them they made their “absolutely favorite desserts.” Chris says he’s going to throw up now. Ad Rock apologizes for the crazy ingredients. He says Sally’s chicken skin ruined everything else for him. Danielle says it was “salty, crunchy, creamy, everything you want in a mouthful of dessert pleasure.”
Ad Rock compliments Chris’s brownie and “pizza stick,” and Johnny says he did well for having sabotaged himself. Johnny couldn’t believe how well Matthew controlled his flavors and delivered a delicious dessert.
And Ad Rock announces that the winner is… Matthew! Yay!!!! He handsomely thanks Chris for the mashed potatoes and gravy. “I freaked the shit out of that gravy,” he says. Everyone claps for him when he goes back to the pudding room as the handsome winner.
Deliberation. Gail is bemused that some of the most difficult seeming ingredients were the best, and some of the easiest seeming ones missed the mark. She didn’t think Katzie’s was really a risk, and Danielle says it was too literal. Ad Rock says Rebecca fucked up – from his culinary standpoint “she fucked up.” Johnny says it was a garlic bomb. They think Megan was smart for grabbing two kinds of booze, but she didn’t incorporate them, and the onion jam was out of place. Johnny says the ingredients weren’t the chefs’ worst enemies: their own skills and confidence levels were. Commercial.
Back. The chefs are in the pudding room, where Katzie is stressing about being in the bottom. She snaps at one armed Rebecca.
They return to the judges’ chamber, where Johnny reminds Megan that her cake was dry and her marmalade pungent; Rebecca was unable to overcome obstacles; and Katzie’s dessert was not creative. And of course it’s one armed Rebecca going home. She’s proud of herself for making it this far, and not giving up even after she broke her hand. She tells the other chefs “I like all your hair, and I hope y’all win.” She still loves the Beasties, but hates falafel. What a sweet lady.
Next: chocolate. Any way you want. Spray spray spray. Oh, and it’s teams. Again. Some more. Chris and I are going head to head. It’s not very interesting, I don’t want to get closer. Chris is extremely critical: it’s just uncalled for.
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