Top Chef Just Desserts: Waterloo, Couldn't Escape If I Wanted To

Amanda Must go
For in Soviet Russia
Cake funnels you.

Parnsips, today is going to be even faster and more furious than ever. I have to leave the house ridonkulously early this morning to go to an all day conference in the smelly metropolis of Baltimore, so I ran this whole stupid thing up last night and scheduled it to publish instead of leaving it in rough form and going back through and putting in fancy things like pictures and verbs and whatnot in the morning.

So that means we’re pretty stripped down here. Few pictures. No Bravo intern descriptions of the food. No reflection. And absolutely no proofreading.

So Amanda’s gone, and I’m bummed about that because I kind of liked what little we saw of her. I guess we should’ve known what side the bread was buttered on once Sally SUDDENLY had a crush on her and we SUDDENLY learned about her Russian mom when she’s been a nonentity up until now. But whatever. She ruined funnel cake, and funnel cake is one of my favorite things in the world. You ruin funnel cake, you gots to go.

On the flip side, I’m super pleased that Katzie won two in a row, and I now have a negative opinion of Sally and Carlos – both of whom I’d previously liked – because they’re being such haters about her. Matthew continues to be handsome, and is additionally funny and self aware. And Orlando’s small heart grew three sizes when he helped Rebecca One Arm with her candy bar.

Oh, and then there’s this:

NOT EVEN, Gail Simmons. The Water-Loo scenes – like ALL of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure -- were filmed in ARIZONA. AT THE GOLFLAND/SUNSPLASH ON US-60. THE ONE I GREW UP GOING TO. IN THE ‘80S.

Rispetto, Simmons. Don’t you go spreading lies with your inaccurate water park tweets. You bow down to Golfland/Sunsplash, and Metro Center Mall, and the Tempe Village Lanes (two miles south of the house I grew up in, yo), and Coronado High School, and all the other great things the Valley of the Sun gave Hollywood that it might birth Bill and Ted and their Excellent Adventure.

Let’s just do this, huh? I have to go to Baltimore tomorrow.

Morning! Los Angeles! At the Dessert Loft, Katzie is pleased with herself for winning. Sally doesn’t think she deserved it. She says something ridiculous about Katzie being young, which is made even stupider by the fact that Sally was the one dragging Craig around by his apron strings for the last five weeks.

They head over to the Dessert kitchen for the quickfire, where they’re greeted by Gail and pastry chef Pichet Ong. For their quickfire, they have to create an entirely new, original candy bar from scratch. Orlando is psyched because he owns his own chocolate factory. The winner gets immunity.

They start the candy bar flurry with 1 and ¾ hours to cook. That’s kind of random. Carlos hits Rebecca’s busted arm and she collapses in pain. She cries. Orlando boasts that he doesn’t like crying “but I’m very good at making individuals cry.” Douche.

Matthew is making a custom mold to differentiate his candy bar from the others. Carlos is making something with chocolate, peanut butter, and banana flavors. Sally thinks she’ll be noticed since, like Pichet, she bases her stuff on Asian ingredients. Katzie’s caramel is messy but delicious.

Twenty-nine minutes. Chris is doing both a white and milk chocolate version of his bar. Matthew’s aren’t working. One arm Rebecca knocks over her tray. Orlando, for all his boasting about making people cry, rushes over to help her since he’s done. “I do have a little bit of a heart,” he tells us. She’s blown away that he’s helping her.

Time! Gail and Pichet begin their tasting with Katzie, who’s made a “Caramel Cove.” “Lot of Banana in there,” Gail says, and Pichet thinks the banana is too soft. Carlos’ candy bar is a “Choconana” involving chocolate pop-rocks. Sally’s is a “Who’s It?” with black rice. Pichet likes the texture.

Matthew introduces his “M Pastry Bar” which involves hazelnut and orange. Gail points out that the bottom isn’t finished. Orlando has a “Berry Blast” with blackberry port jam. Gail finds the jam a little too liquid. Chris has made “Lil’ Darling” in milk and white chocolate. Matthew thinks he has iti n the bag. Amanda’s is a “Royal Chocolate Bar” with Earl Grey. YOM.

Megan gives a grandma-related backstory about her “Ginger Buckeye Blast.” “It’s a very sophisticated buckeye,” Gail says. Rebecca’s is “Fruit on the Bottom.” Pichet thinks the technique with the panna cotta is interesting.

Pichet says that his least favorites were Matthew’s unfinished misshapen bar; Katzie’s “mess on a stick” which drives her bananas because it’s not on a stick. Serena Southerlyn is very literal.

His favorites were Sally’s, Rebecca’s (she thanks Orlando). And the winner is Sally. So she has immunity, and “it feels freakin’ good” because she’s tired of being at the bottom. Commercial.

Back. Elimination challenge. They draw popsicles that assigns them to three teams. Carlos, Sally, and Amanda are one, Orlando, Chris, and Matthew are another, and Katzie, Rebecca, and Megan are the third. They’re going to make refreshing desserts for water park visitors. Amanda has never been to a water park because her mother was an immigrant from Communist Russia.

Food flurry. Four and a half hours to cook. Rebecca is “super stoked” about the team she’s on. Katzie says their plan is to make “best of class versions of traditional summer treats” instead of anything crazy. Team Orlando/Matthew/Chris is taking the opposite approach, and trying to do something refined. Sally is “doing what the team wants” because she has immunity, and she doesn’t want the other guys to go home because of her mistake. In other words, she’s abdicating responsibility.

Orlando talks about coming from the Caribbean and growing up surrounded by water. Ok. Carlos is making 150 ice cream bars, and there are only 2 machines. Their team is hogging the ice cream machines, which frustrates Katzie. There’s a huge scene about divvying up the ice cream machines. Chris’s team strategically opts to use the Poco Jet Machine instead of having to share out the two ice cream makers.

Johnny-thru. He doesn’t think Orlando put enough thought into his combination of root beer float and ice cream sandwich. Katzie is making a spumoni dessert based on a restaurant Johnny is very familiar with. Amanda is challenging herself being the only one using a fryer.

He asks Sally about the stress with the ice cream makers, and at this point, Katzie’s overflows. Carlos smiles meanly. “She is a disaster,” he says. “She’s just a hot mess,” Sally agrees. Oh, grow up. I don’t like you anymore.

Time is running out. Carlos’s ice cream pops aren’t freezing fast enough. 20 minutes. Chris and Matthew dump liquid nitrogen on the Paco Jet canisters. Chris steals the liquid nitrogen from Carlos. Carlos, the ice cream maker hog, thinks that’s not very professional. Commercial.

Back. At the dessert loft, the girls discuss what to wear to the water park. Katzie doesn’t want anyone to see her in a bathing suit. Sally thinks Amanda is funny and beautiful, and would have a crush on her if she was a lesbian. Chris points out that this is the third time Carlos is doing something Cap’n Crunch related.

Water Park. They have an hour and a half to set up their statements. The Orange Team (Chris, Matthew, and Orlando) is spinning Matthew’s ice cream and mocking Orlando’s shorts. The Blue Team sets up Amanda’s fryer so she can test her funnel cake.

Time! A bunch of screaming children rush in and start grabbing treats. Katzie squirts them with lavender. Orlando says the rush for food is like “a zombie attack.” Eventually, the judges arrive and head for the Orange team. We have Whatsername rather than Huber, and Pichet is back to judge the elimination.

Chris introduces his Passion Mixer with Ginger Fizz and a Passion Sorbet served from an ice luge. Whatsername says it’s refreshing, but Johnny finds it sticky at the back of his throat. Orlando explains his Chocolate Vanilla Root Beer Surprise. Pichet thinks a bit of fruit would make it more refreshing, and Whatsername says that it’s heavy. Orlando over explains his decisions.

Matthew wanders off to prepare his dessert ala minute. Johnny is displeased about waiting. Matthew presents his Strawberry Shortcake with Sauteed Strawberries and Ice Cream. Johnny says the ice cream’s a bit gummy. Gail is not thrilled with the warm strawberries. Matthew agrees that she’s right.

The judges hit the Green Team next, and begin by getting squirted in the face with lavender mist. Rebecca’s dessert is a Lemon Snickerdoodle Ice Cream Sandwich. YUM. Danyelle loves the nostalgia, and Johnny compliments her ice cream. Next is Megan’s Strawberry Soda Float with White Peach and Basil Sorbet. Johnny compliments the mildness of her basil but Gail thinks the strawberry is too sweet.

Katzie introduces her Baked Alaska with Spumoni Twist. Danyelle says it’s a really nuanced and sophisticated. Pichet was worried it would be a mess on a stick again, but he likes the way it melts in his mouth.

Finally, we wind our way to the Blue Team, where Carlos introduces his Capn’ Crunch Ice Cream Bar. Pichet says it’s pretty but not refreshing, and Johnny calls it “sweet on sweet on sweet on sweet.” Amanda worries that the funnel cakes will get too firm while they sit there waiting for the judges to try Sally’s Berry Smoothie with White Chocolate Rice Krispies. The judges like the Krispies, but think she should’ve done more with that element.

Amanda introduces her Funnel Cake with Coconut Sorbet and Pineapple Jam. “Did you want it to be crispy?” Danyelle asks. Amanda explains that it’s sat too long. Johnny says if you’re going to do an ala minute component, you should actually do it ala minute.

Carlos says this is the first time in any challenge he’s heard more negative than positive feedback, and he’s nervous. Amanda says she should’ve insisted on going first. Commercial.

Fakeback! The chefs decide to go on the water slides after service. Some of them are chickens and sit out by the side of the pool. Katzie goes down with such enthusiasm that her board shorts come off. Fortunately, she’s wearing a bathing suit under them.

Back. Sally claims she “sacrificed herself” to her team. Rebecca points out that it’s not a sacrifice since she had immunity. Gail calls back Megan, Katzie, and Rebecca. Sally gives a smug look. “Totally sucks being on the bottom,” Matthew says.

Gail tells the girls that they’re the winning team. They jump and hug. Pichet says he’d have their desserts on any hot day. Johnny compliments them on doing elevated versions of ice cream truck classics. But one really stood out. Pichet announces that the winner is…Katzie! Yay!!!! Twofer, Serena Southerlyn! Johnny tells her she did Spumoni Gardens proud. Gail asks them to call back the other two teams.

Sally looks furious when Rebecca announces that Katzie’s the winner. The other two teams file in to the judges’ room. They begin with Sally. Johnny asks if she thinks she played it safe because she had immunity. “No, god no. I’d never do it that way,” Sally says, wide-eyed, despite the fact that this is exactly what she did despite not wanting to frame it like that. Johnny says that what she created wasn’t very special.

Pichet compliments Carlos’s idea, but says the “main flavor was sugar.” Gail said it needed something to cut the fattiness – “I felt like I was eating the dessert equivalent of a log of foie gras.” Danyelle says Amanda’s funnel cake was more like a funnel pretzel. Johnny says she should’ve remade them once they knew they’d been sitting out so long.

Orlando says he’s “uncertain” why his team is there. Danyelle says they didn’t think about their audience, and Gail says they weren’t practical for the environment. Chris says he thought his was very practical – Carlos rolls his eyes – but Johnny points out that it was sticky. Orlando says he wouldn’t have done anything different, but they hit the same notes about his float not being floaty. Pichet would love Matthew’s dessert in a restaurant, but not at a water park. They’re sent back to the pudding room. Matthew jokingly raises his hand. “WHAT?” Rebecca gasps. He admits they don’t know who’s going home yet, and high fives the girls. I love him.

Gail thinks neither team saw what was wrong with their desserts. Pichet says they didn’t think about their audience. He was looking forward to Carlos’ popsicle, but thought it was like “a log of butter and sugar.” Johnny says Amanda rethinking funnel cake was a great idea, but they can’t get past the bad funnel cake.

Orlando had no idea what went wrong, but his dessert wasn’t sparkling and lacked effervescence. Chris’s dessert had the most potential to be refreshing, but failed. They’ve reached a decision. Commercial.

Back. Gail tells Matthew, Sally, and Chris that they’re safe. They head back to the pudding room. In the Judges’ room, Gail tells Amanda that her dessert just didn’t measure up. She has to pack her tools and go.

Amanda says being eliminated is incredibly humbling. There’s more, but seriously. Tomorrow. Baltimore. Very, very early.

Next time: Ad Rock!!!!!! Awesome! Beastie Boys Pantry. Ravioli. Pork N Beans. Bacon. Hot! This is the first time I see Chris worried about a dish. Beer Ice Cream!