Project Runway: Is That All There Is?

What a fucking waste
What a sad fucking waste
Should have watched the game.

Well, there’s an hour and a half of my life I’ll never get back.

Is anyone else pissed off about being yanked around like that? About sitting through what felt like the world’s shortest home visits, and thinking the whole time “wow, there must be something big waiting for them back in New York, some super surprising challenge or something.”

And then there wasn’t. There was just that sad little parade of schmattas, repeated threats of “only THREE of you will be going to Fashion Week! ONLY THREE! That is all! Just THREE! Which means one of you will have to be eliminated. And possibly fed to Heidi’s dogs. Because we can only have THREE! Ha ha, just kidding. Congratulations, you’re all going.”

Bullshit.And for what? Because they were all so good? Because the talent level in this group is so high that they couldn’t make up their mind?

Remember the last time they couldn’t make the cut from four down to three? It was in season 3. It was Jeffery, Laura, Uli, and Mychael.

(It was also in 2006, the last time the Cardinals were in the World Series. The weird symmetry of my diverse interests sometimes throws me for a loop)

These assholes aren’t talented enough to scrape the shit off of those designers’ shoes.

Let’s just do this. Not that I know what to say beyond “it was an hour and a half long and yet NOTHING HAPPENED.”

The designers all reconvene on the runway where Heidi congratulates them on being in the final four, and then lies to their faces and says that only 3 of them will compete at Mercedes Benz Fashion Week. But for now, they’ll head home for five weeks and spend $9000 making 10 looks that will be of no higher quality than the shit they’ve turned out in five hours while on the show.

Tim Gunn enters, his gentle spirit broken by the crapfest this show has become. He wishes them luck and tells them he’ll be coming to mercy kill them in their sleep…. I mean, to visit them while they’re working.

The designers go back to Atlas and talk and pack. Then they all head home. Viktor descends to the subway, not to go home but because he actually lives in a secret subterranean lair like all pale tortured geniuses. Anya is swept off in a taxi to resume her glamorous life as a sex tape beauty queen. And Joshua and Kimberly start walking, because the grim truth is that they’re just a pair of hobos Heidi found on the street corner, and now they have to hitchhike back to their hobo encampment and make ten looks out of your dad’s old discarded suits and strips of soda cans cut up for decoration.

Because they’re not dumb, these hobos Joshua and Kimberly. They’re not wasting that $9000 each on fabric. They’re going to use it on food; on treating all the other hobos to a HOBO FEAST, so that they can be declared king and queen of the hobos.

There’s a star-wipe or something to indicate time passing, and Tim shows up in White Plains, Maryland, which is in Charles County where my cousins live – and also, apparently, the Chupacabra. And its where Kimberly’s hobo camp is too, but for the purposes of Tim’s visit she’s borrowed a nice little house with a gorgeous studio. She tells Tim she hasn’t slept since coming home, and explains to him that her theme is “pre-gentrified Brooklyn” (and/or PG County, Maryland, if you ask me). There’s a lot of color.

Tim has dinner with her sister and her best friends, and her little niece Avery. Avery is an adorable prop child borrowed to make this episode exponentially cuter, and we’re told that she walks around the house saying “Tim Gunn! Work!” I do this sometimes myself, so I feel like Avery and I are simpatico. Maybe we can hang out next time I’m down in Chuck County. Everyone talks about how Kimberly has always been a trend setter. Kimberly talks about her mom dying when she was 17, and how she wants to make her mother proud and be an emerging African-American designer.

From here we star wipe to Trinidad, where Tim has gone to see Anya. Trinidad, with its palm trees and heat and water, must be an awkward place to be if you’re Tim Gunn and have a suit permanently grafted to your skin. They get whisked off on a speedboat, like something out of Miami Vice, and arrive at Anya’s adorable little house – suitable for the filming of sex tapes, or meetings with her brothers Yves and Will. Her brothers are glad that the show is letting people see Anya for her talent rather than just her beauty and sex tapes. Then they talk about losing their brother Pilar when he was 18, and how they’re living for him since he can’t live his dreams.

The theme of this week’s episode, apparently, is “Everyone Knows Some Dead People.”

Anya shows Tim the fabric she’s chosen, because with two weeks left to go, she hasn’t actually completed any looks or been able to draw. Tim clearly has the fact that she just learned how to sew a minute and a half ago at the front of his mind, because he gives her a stern reminder about the rules about not having help with regular construction. Commercial.

We come back with a star wipe back to New York, where Tim is clearly in his comfort zone. He heads through Christine’s secret mirror and down into Viktor’s hidden studio in the bowels of the Opera House. Or somewhere in Brooklyn. Tim loves the space and light Viktor has, but isn’t crazy about all the stairs it’s taken him to reach the secret underground lair.

Viktor’s theme is “Urban Coast.” He apparently went down to Mexico to observe his brother’s “death anniversary” (because Everyone Knows Some Dead People) and wants to make him proud.

Anyway, Tim loves a jacket that Viktor has made, but is confused b a dress. He warns Viktor not to overthink it. They then head to Viktor’s house and meet his boyfriend David, who’s kind of pale pink and adorable and very proud of Viktor.

Tim’s final visit is to Joshua up in Queens. Joshua is concealing the fact that he lives in a hobo camp by meeting Tim at a restaurant with his little sister, McKenzie, who looks like a girl Joshua – which is to say, she looks like Joshua, but with longer hair and more subtle make up. I get distracted during their meeting, because I have one earbud in so I can listen to the game on my phone (like Joey at Nana’s funeral), and at this point the Cardinals turn a very nice double play to send the game to the bottom of the sixth scoreless. But there’s some talk about how they come from a very athletic family, and we see pictures of high school Joshua running track. High school Joshua has more natural hair, and no make up, and is much hotter than present day Joshua.

Tim then goes to Joshua’s studio to see the ugliest textiles in human history. He tells Joshua that the colors look like a gimmick, and that the dresses make him want to weep. Ohhhhhh, it’s so good to see Tim back to actually saying things again after the way the producers have put the mute button on him this season. Commercial.

Back. And we’re back to New York for Fashion Week. Joshua arrives at their penthouse first, and cries on the balcony while wearing his amazing technicolored dream bolero vest. He says the view is like his mother’s spirit reaching out to him or something, because as we know, Everyone Knows Some Dead People.

Anya, Kimberly, and Viktor arrive, followed by Tim who comes and gives them a half hearted toast, this band of hobos and sex tape beauty queens and pale subterranean geniuses that he’s forced to pretend are anywhere near as good as the contestants he’s worked with in the past. He tells them to enjoy the evening because tomorrow they’ll be back to work in their new workroom.

Star wipe to tomorrow, when they arrive at 1407 Broadway and start laying out their garments and shit talking each others. Anya hates Kimberly’s colors. Viktor says Anya’s aren’t anything forward. Kimberly says Viktor’s is very Viktor, and Viktor says Joshua’s is too casual.

Tim welcomes them, and tells them they’ll be presenting 3 looks tomorrow. The models will be in tomorrow for their fittings and to go to the runway.

Tim then does a Tim thru. Joshua quakes before Viktor’s jacket. Tim tells Joshua that the 3 looks he’s selected are “a little schizo.”

Kimberly show Tim 3 million looks, and Tim tells her to center herself and show the judges the “edgy Brooklyn urbanite” she’s been so passionate about. Tim is disappointed that Anya has retreated to her comfort zone. Anya cries. Tim Gunn hugs her and leaves.

Anya cries some more, and stands with her pencil centered on her nose to show that she’s thinking. Commercial.

Back. Anya resumes crying, and vows to stay strong. They all work work work until 11:30.

Day of show. Joshua puts on his mom’s brooch to remind us that Everyone Knows Some Dead People. In the workroom, Viktor feels like his looks are complete while the others are struggling. He thinks this puts him in the lead. Tim enters and does the usual product placement stuff.

The models enter. Anya switches one from a gown into a swimsuit. They get their hair and make up done, and Viktor gets his eyes touched up once his models are finished. Anya sews last minute stitches on her look, and Kimberly is feeding the skirt of a gown into a sewing machine while the model has it on. Commercial.

Back. Heidi is wearing leather pants and a black t-shirt with a crystal skull on it to welcome them back, because Heidi Knows Some Dead People too. The judges are just Michael Kors and Nina Garcia, because why pay some starlet to show up for this farce?

We start the mini-shows with Viktor, who presents a cute purple and black cocktail dress with an overskirt of black leather strips; some ugly purple pants with a mirrored top and a tuxedo jacket, and a dramatic mullet gown with the awesome jacket over it.

Next is Anya, who’s made a brown dress in a great fabric that looks like wood; a black swimsuit with a crappy zipper and a gold coverup; and a bland gold gown.

Kimberly’s first look is ugly blue hammer pants with an ugly print top. There’s then a skirt made in magenta satin with what looks like a built in bubble ass. Her final look is a sequined black gown.

Joshua has made pink pants and an ugly jacket; a very ‘90s LBD that gives his model super poodge; and a gown with an interesting collar. I start clapping.

“What, you like that?” a friend of mine asks.

“Oh, god no,” I said. “But Craig just scored Freese and moved Punto to second, so the Cardinals are up 1-0.”

Joshua cries, because he can sense through time and space that I’m not paying attention to him. “Don’t you know my pain?” He screams. “Do I have to tell you again about the hobo camp and the dead mother and the artillerary and the catastrophic guyliner shortage in the small Midwestern town where I grew up? I've been ignored too long for baseball! I will! Not! Have it!” Commercial.

Back. The judges start their pointless critiques with Anya. Nina loves the wood dress. Heidi is surprised because she only liked the brown dress. The bathing suit was not flattering, and the gown looks done in a day. Holy smokes, don’t make this another year where Heidi is the voice of reason. I can’t cope with two in a row. Kors agrees that the gown is tortured looking, and the styling doesn’t help at all: the “shoes look like something a bad newscaster would wear.” Nina tells her to embrace what she’s good at.

Moving to Kimberly, Kors likes how she’s handled the sexiness – covered in front, but full of appeal. The styling is awful, but “has her vibe.” That is the biggest non compliment ever. “The styling is awful – it’s so you!” Nina agrees that accessorizing is an issue. Heidi doesn’t love the bubble butt skirt – she thinks it’s cartoonish and awful.

Viktor explains about how he was inspired by Knowing Some Dead People. Kors loves Viktor’s first two looks, and thinks that the tuxedo jacket is great. Heidi likes the mirrored top. Kors thinks the gown is great, but the jacket with it is too much. Heidi then tries the jacket on and steals it from the model. Kors advises Viktor to whip up some black pants and a tank to go with the jacket so that it’s showcased. Nina makes the girl in the cocktail dress take the leather panels off the skirt. Kors tells Viktor that even though they’ve been telling him to turn up the volume, he can now back off a bit.

Finally we have Joshua. Heidi likes the colorful top and jacket, but isn’t fond of the cheap touches. Kors says the collection is a roller coaster. He hates the “modesty tab” on the front of the dress, and the “Olivia Newton John’s leggings” with the gown. Nina say she has the best styling, and assures him that he’s a good designer.

The designers head back to the green room. Anya thinks the boys are in, and it’s down to her and Kimberly for the last slot.

The judges deliberate. I can’t even be bothered. Commercial.

Back. Heidi tells Joshua he’s in. A long ball by Pujols is caught right against the right field fence by Nelson Cruz. This is where the evening starts to go awry.

Viktor is in. He and Joshua hug, and Joshua touches Viktor’s breastbone to feel his heartbeat.

Heidi tells the two ladies they have a lot of potential, but also problems. Kimberly has styling problems, and Anya’s looks are missing something.

Kimberly… will show at fashion week. I scream with joy. And then I retract my scream of joy, because Anya is in too. They’re all showing at Fashion Week. We have just wasted the last hour and a half of our lives.

There’s a lot of hugging and giggling. Josh doesn’t think either of the girls should be going to Fashion Week, but he fakes his way through the hugging. And there’s hugging and yapping, and then the show is done. And I walk home, angry, and get even angrier when I lose my internet connection on the way home and can’t listen to the game, and even angrier when I get home and the Rangers are suddenly on top 2-1, and then win the game.

That's how quickly an evening can go downhill, kids.